Only Fools And Horses

The Seocnd Time Around

EXT. LONDON STREET MARKET. DAY. Del and Rodney are selling packs of hankies from a suit- case, surrounded by a crowd of women shoppers. Del is in the middle of his sales pitch. Rodney is holding up the packs of hankies and waiting to take the money. Del Here we are, the finest French lace hankies - there you are, they're a pleasure to have the flu with! Thank's luv. Rodney Now hurry up girls, get in while the going's good. It's one for the price of two. One for the price of two. Del Keep taking the money Rodney. I'm gonna pop down the pub to get a lemonade for the old Hobsons. Rodney Get us a packet of pork scratchings would you. Del Pork scratchings. Sounds like a pig with fleas. Rodney Come on then, get in while the going's good. We're not here today gone tomorrow, we're here today gone this afternoon, now come on. INT. DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD. The bar is fairly crowded with lunchtime boozers. Trigger is standing at the bar just finishing a pint. Joyce is behind the bar. Del enters and approaches the bar. Del Hey, hey, alright Trigger? Trigger Hello Del Boy, how's yer luck? Del You can have it for a nicker. Hello Joyce, I'll have a pint of diesel oil for Trigger and I'll have a blackcurrant and Pernod. (pronounced Pernod phonetically) Thank you. Trigger You'll never guess ho I just saw! Del Er, King Faisal of Saudi Arabi. Trigger No. No, yer miles off Del! Del No, no, I knew he wouldn't be in here. He'd be in the saloon bar wouldn't he. I'm joking, Trigger. Trigger Oh gotcha! No, it was your ex- fiancée! Del Which one? Trigger Pauline. Del Pauline? Pauline Harris? No, no, no you must have been mistaken. She got married to that Bobby Finch didn't she and went to live abroad. Trigger Yeah? Well who's that sitting over there then? Del (He looks) Hm. Where? Pauline is sat at a table. She is in her early thirties, smartly dressed and still very tasty. She was the great love of Del's life, a love that has still not died. Del (con't) Cor, it is her Trigger. It is her. It's at moments like this when I wish I carried an emergency capsule of Brut around with me! Trigger Leave it out will you Del, you don't wanna get yourself involved with her again. Remember what happened last time? Del Yeah, yeah. Did she ask about me? Joyce Yeah, she seemed very concerned to know how much you was earning. Del How the hell do you do that? Trigger What? Joyce I said she seemed very concerned to know how much you was earning. Del Yeah well she probably is concerned isn't she, eh? You know, perhaps she's worrying about me! Alright, alright, I'm not gonna get involved am I? No, I'm too shrewd for all that, ain't I, Eh? No, I might just go over there, you know, and say hello. If that is alright with you two? Joyce You want your brains testing! Del Yeah thank you, Joyce. There did you take one for yourself? Joyce No. Del Good! He walks across to Pauline sipping his drink nervously. The blackcurrant is staining his lips. Del (cont'd) Excuse me. Excuse me, squire. Hello Pauline! Pauline Del... She gives him a long, lingering kiss. She also now has blackcurrant on her face. Pauline (cont'd) Oh I can't believe it...It's so nice to see you again. Del Well it's nice to see you. Pauline, what have you got over your lips there? What's all that? Pauline It's blackcurrant. Del You what? Pauline It's on your lips. Del Oh blackcurrant, look - yeah, it's probably from my blackcurrant and Pernod. Sorry. Oh thanks. Ta. Here let me, er, let me wipe that off yer - They both take a serviette from the table. Del dabs his own face, then they dab each other's faces. Pauline gives Del another kiss, leaving him in a gooey-eyed state. He looks back to the bar to see Joyce and Trigger watching. Pauline I haven't seen you for 12 years or more, I want to know all that's been happening! Del Er...Nothing you know, nothing really! I heard you got married to that Bobby Finch...where's he now? Pauline He's down the Blackshaw Road. Del Oh yeah what in those council flats? Pauline No in a cemetery. You mean you didn't know? Del No! No, no, I'm terribly sorry, I am sorry, I didn't realise. You see the last I heard was that, you know, that you went to live abroad, so naturally I thought that you and Bobby, like, had emigrated. Pauline No, after Bobby died I went to San Francisco - it suited me being away from familiar surroundings. I got a job as an air hostess, it's a good salary, uniform, free travel! Del Yeah of course! That's in your blood innit eh? 'Cos your mum was a bus conductress. They laugh. Pauline You never married yourself, Del? Del No, no, no, I never fancied myself. (Laughs) No, no, no, you know what I mean, I mean what I mean is you know, I never - never met a girl that I cared all that much about really you know. Well, I mean, you know, well, there was one. Pauline But you don't see her? Del Oh yeah. Well I'm looking at her now. Pauline holds his hand. They stare into each others eyes and are bout to kiss when Rodney appears at the table. Rodney Where's my pork scratchings? Del Oh I'm sorry Rodney, I got distracted. Yeah. This is my brother Rodney. D'you remember - you remember Rodney. He used to be a little scruff. Look at him now, he's a big scruff, isn't he? You remember Pauline? Rodney Yeah I remember. Pauline Harris innit? Del Yeah, yeah or do you call your- self Mrs. Finch now? Pauline No. I call myself Mrs. Baker. I remarried, you see, an American chap. Del Oh gotcha, you're a divorcee are you? Pauline No, a widow! Del Blimey, what he kicked the bucket and all did he? No, I am sorry, I didn't mean that, sorry. What about that - ain't that a shame, eh, Rodney you know she's had two husbands die on her. Rodney Yeah, one more she keeps the match ball. Pauline Excuse me a moment. Del Yeah, yeah of course. Pauline I'm just going to powder my nose. Del Yeah, yeah, well hurry back won't you because, you know I'll be waiting. Pauline exits. Rodney Yes of course Pauline, hurry back Pauline, can I pull the chain for you Pauline? You make me sick! Del You've been very hostile towards Pauline ain't you? Rodney Well, can you blame me? I remember how she treated you when you was engaged. I may only have been a little nipper Del, but I remember how she screwed you up. Del That was a long time go Rodney, weren't it? Pauline and me, when engaged, we was mod - the only reason she left we was because she found a bloke with a faster Vespa. Rodney And that's a fair reason? Del Yeah it was in them days. You've got to understand the times Rodney. In them days, I mean, teenage marriages broke up because the husband didn't like the Hollies! But we're older now, you know, more mature, we've developed sensitivity and emotion. Rodney Oh my God. Del Yeah we have - what would you know about it anyway, eh? You don't have romantic feelings you, you just have animal urges. Sometimes I think you learnt the art of seduction by watching Wildlife on One! You've got to understand Rodney that - you know deep down inside me I'm a very sensitive person. I am, I am. What - look at last Christmas and that film Love Story. Look how upset I got then. Rodney I got upset an' all. Del I know, I know, I got upset because Ali MacGraw died - you got upset because Ryan O'Neal didn't. Rodney Well, he's too good-looking ain't he? Del What do you know about it any- way? What do you know? I am talking about men and women I am. You, you're still knocking about with Brownies. Rodney No I'm not. Del Yes you are, leave it out, some of your dates arrived by skateboard. Rodney Look Del, all I'm trying to say is don't get hiked up with that Pauline again. She'll screw you up, you mark my words. Del Look, Rodney, a lot of water has run under the bridge since me and Pauline broke up. I know what it's all about now, you know, I understand the rules of the game. I know you're concerned for me and trying to give me your advice can I put it? Shove it Rodney, shove it. INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Grandad is watching the TVs. Rodney is lying on the settee reading a dirty magazine. Grandad Del Boy's late ain't he Rodney? Rodney I wouldn't worry about it Grandad. I'll give him another 15 minutes then start phoning round the morgues. Grandad What do you mean the morgues? Rodney Well, it's something about that Pauline that kills 'em off. I think she must be a carrier or something. Grandad It's bad news him meeting her again this afternoon. I remember the last time she hooked him. I mean, up till then he was doing alright - well your mum had died and your dad had run off and left you - but... Rodney But other than that tickety- boo? Grandad Right, Del was out wheeling and dealing and he was coming along nice. Then she turned up. I've never seen anyone change so fast as Del Boy. He was besotted with her - they was engaged within the week - broken up within the month. Little cow was out skylarking around with other fellas. Del had more fights that John Wayne. Well, up 'till then he was always a strong believer in God and all that. I mean he didn't go to church or nothing. Rodney No, didn't carry it to ridiculous lengths? Grandad No. But he'd always give the church a good few quid towards their fund for a new roof. He said it was a penance seeing as how it was him that nicked the old one. But after that he lost faith. The front door slams. Rodney Sssh. Act naturally - stare vaguely at them tellies right and no questions. God Almighty, what's he done? Del enters, slightly sloshed, tie and waistcoat undone. Del Gentlemen, attention gentleman. Gentlemen and Grandad I have a gentleman's announcement to make. Pauline and I are engaged to be married. (There is silence) Don't all bust a blood vessel will you, eh? Rodney That's triffic Del. We'll have to put an announcement in the Exchange and Mart. Del That's a lovely idea that, here go and get some glasses, go on and get some glasses, we'll celebrate alright. Rodney Celebrate? You think I'm gonna celebrate my older brother getting hiked up to a gold digger? Del Listen, oi, listen motor-mouth! I know that you don't like Pauline... Rodney Oh does it notice that much? Del Yes it does. I know - look I know you don't like the idea, right, but it's, you know - that's what I want! Right come on, come on, come on, have a drink eh? Rodney Yeah...Yeah I'll get some glasses. Rodney exits into the kitchen. Del Yeah, get some glasses - get some glasses, that's it. Here, Grandad, what do you think then Grandad? Grandad I'm not saying a word Del Boy! You want to put yourself in lumber for the rest of your life that's entirely up to you. I'm not saying nothing! Del Oi, listen, you haven't heard the best part yet, listen this is double celebration, because not only have I got engaged to Pauline, but my bride to be has kindly condescended to come and live with us! There is the sound of glass smashing in the kitchen. Rodney enters, crosses the room to his bedroom. Del (cont'd) Well don't say your congratulations then will yer! Rodney (Out of view) Alright. Del Say something Grandad. Grandad There's a film on the other side, lots of people getting killed in it! INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE Del is at the dinner table finishing a large meal. He is struggling, but forcing it down for Pauline's sake. She is lying in Rodney's usual spot on the settee filing her nails. Rodney is sitting in the armchair giving Pauline dirty looks. Grandad is watching the TVs. Rodney puts his feet up on the coffee table. Pauline I cleaned that table today! Rodney Good, it won't make my plim- soles dirty, will it? Pauline Del... Del What? (she gestures to Rodney's feet) Rodney! Well, that was divine my love. That was divine. That was well - was - Pas de Calais as they say in France. Long time since we has a steak like that, eh, Rodney? Rodney Hell of a long time Del. Me and Grandad had corned beef! Del Corned beef? Pauline I'm not cooking for them two as well Derek! I'll cook for you and me and you and me only. I didn't come here to be a skivvy! Del No, no, no, I know my love. I know my petal, you see the thing is when I gave you the housekeeping money at the beginning of the week, I meant for you to get some grub for them an' all. Pauline I did, I got corned beef! Del Ah yeah - well. There you are see, you like a little bit of corned beef don't you Grandad? (Grandad sneers) What's up with you then, eh? Grandad It's her innit! Del What? Grandad She hid my teeth! Del What - what you hidden his teeth for then petal? Pauline Look you don't know what it's like in this place. Well you and Rodney are out at the auctions or the market. But I'm stuck here with him. He's nibbling all day long. There'd be nothing left if I let him carry on! Don't worry, he gets his teeth back at meal times. Del Yeah, alright, well you - you know best, eh petal. Pauline Why don't you and Grandad go out Rodney? I wouldn't mind being alone for once! Del D'you want to be left alone? Pauline Of course. Del Right, I'll go with 'em, come on Grandad. Pauline I mean alone with you. Del Oh, I see. Pauline Well we never have any time for ourselves in this place. Rodney No time to yourselves! You spend most of your lives in that bedroom! Giant pandas mate quicker than you two! Del Please. That's enough! Pauline Ever since I moved in here all we ever seem to do of an evening is sitting here watching them rotten televisions. And that's another thing, why does he have to watch two televisions? Grandad 'Cos the other one's being mended! Pauline You mean he normally watches three? Del Yeah! Pauline He's going senile. Del Yeah! Pauline Well wouldn't he be happier with company of his own age? Del You're not bringing your Granny round here to live with us are you? Pauline I was thinking of a home. Rodney He's already got a home! Pauline I know a very nice place down near Thames Ditton. Bobby Finch's Grandad died there. Del I can't put him in a home Pauline, he's family! Pauline But I'll be your family soon! Rodney Well you go to a home then... Grandad I don't want to go into a home Rodney, I might catch some- thing! Rodney Don't you worry Grandad, we're staying put. Pauline Well, the only alternative is for us to buy a house of our own! Del What, me buy a house? No, no, couldn't do that. Couldn't do that. Don't you see that as soon as I put my signature on a document the authorities are gonna know that I'm alive. They'll be round here after their pound of flesh quicker than the Mafia! Pauline But you can do what my other husbands did, put the house in my name. Well nobody's going to think it strange me buying a house, not with all the money I got on the life insurance. Have you got your life insured Del? Del No. I've never thought about dying before! Pauline Well, we'll have to sort that out - a wife needs protection. Rodney Specially with your luck Pauline! Pauline I fancy an early night Del. Del Oh no, what, again? Pauline Come on. She leads Del by the hands. Del Yes alright my love, my petal... Grandad and Rodney give Del the 'under the thumb gesture'. Del (cont'd) Listen you two - hey! INT. TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Grandad , wearing his overcoat and hat, is sitting in his chair. One TV set shows the BBC2 test card, the other set shows the ITV test card. He sits back and watches them. Rodney You ready Grandad? Grandad (Indicating the TVs) Yeah - I just wanna see what happens first! Rodney Eh? Now don't start making excuses! We both agreed we're not wanted here no more, so let's get out before Del wakes up. Grandad We can't go without saying goodbye to him! Rodney No, alright we'll say goodbye then we'll get on our way. Pauline enters carrying a tray containing a large fried breakfast, pot of tea, etc. Rodney Is Del up yet? Pauline No he's still in bed. He needs his sleep, he had a bad night. Rodney Yeah, didn't sound too bad from where I was...I'll go and wake him up. Pauline I'll wake him Rodney! I don't want you going in that room. Rodney That's my Mum's room! Pauline It used to be your Mum's room Rodney but it's mine now and I don't want to se you in there. Is that understood? Rodney (Giving Nazi salute) Jawohl mein Oppengruppenfuhrer! Pauline Act your age Rodney... Pauline exits. Rodney Why don't you bike it you old bag! You know why she don't want us in there don't you? Probably filled up with sexual torture devices. I bet poor Del's in there now, bound and gagged, wearing a rubber mask, a loincloth and being threatened with French lessons. Grandad Maybe that's why he's been looking a bit seedy lately! Rodney Yeah and it's hardly through lack of food is it. I mean, look, there are Third World nations who'd give up their mineral rights for what's on that plate. I wonder what happened to his fried slice. Grandad Perhaps he didn't want it. His stomach's been a bit dicky hasn't it. Rodney That's true... The telephone rings, Rodney answers it. Rodney (cont'd) Hello Trigger...Yeah, hang on I'll get him, Pauline, untie Del will you he's wanted! Del enters wearing silk pajamas and a dressing gown. He looks totally exhausted. Del I'm up, I'm up...What do you mean untie Del anyway? Rodney Nothing. Del Who is it? Rodney It's Trigger. Del Trigger? Oh, hello Trigger, what do you want? No, no, no, you didn't disturb me, I had to get up anyway, I was wanted on the phone! Pauline enters. Pauline Del - Del Hang on a minute will you Trigger? Cut to Rodney as he clicks his heels together. Del (To Rodney) Cut it out Pauline I'm just popping down to the jewelers to put a deposit on that ring I saw. Del Alright. Rodney Another one? You've been engaged five times, married twice, you must have more rings than Bravingtons. Pauline Just shut it Rodney! Rodney I mean what is it with you, eh? Are you trying to corner the world's gold market or have you just got a thing about wedding cakes? Del I'll bang you one in a minute, leave her alone will you! Pauline Don't forget you've got to arrange a medical for your life insurance. I'll see you down the estate agents. We can go on to the bank from there. Del Alright darling, yeah. Rodney Sieg Heil! Pauline exits. Del Cut it out, what have you been doing sniffing that glue again have you? Cor dear - (On phone) Hello, sorry about that Trigger, yeah, no just Rodney having one of his fits... Anyway what d'you want to phone me about? What do you mean it's a delicate subject? No, I know you're a mate! No, I won't say that you're interfering! I promise I won't tell you to mind your own business. Just say hat you want to say will you...Yeah... Oh did I? Did you? Did he? Well listen Trigger, why don't you mind your own bloody business, eh? Who do you think you are interfering? Look, you just keep your nose out of it, alright pal? Del hangs up the phone. Rodney How's Trigger keeping? Del D'you know what he had the audacity to say, he phoned me up to say he heard last night that the police had investigated Bobby Finch's death. Apparently he died of poisoning! Rodney Food poisoning! Oh... Grandad Your breakfast's getting cold Del Boy! Del Yeah, yeah, thanks Grandad. Do you know I think I'm putting on a bit of weight. I think I'll - I think I'll go on a diet. Grandad Get off, there's no calories in weed-killer! Del You make me die you do! I suppose you think that Pauline's gone - gone window shopping at Rentokill. Well I'm going down to make arrangements for my medical, I'll see you two later. Rodney No you won't Del. Because me and Grandad have had it up to here. We're getting out! Del Eh? What d'you mean you're leaving? No - leave it out Rodney, what you o for money? Rodney We'll get by. We're thinking about forming a partnership! Del A partnership! A partnership, you and Grandad? Gawd leave it out Rodney, what have you been doing, sitting on your brains again? You must have noticed at one time or another that he doesn't move. You know - he made the front page of the Lancet... (To Grandad) ...don't you as being the only living man in history to be treated for rigor mortis... (Back to Rodney) Where you going to go anyway? Rodney Auntie Rose's in Clacton. Del Auntie Rose's in Clacton? Rodney Yeah. Grandad says we can go there anytime. Del Oh did he! Oh did he. Well you'd better go there now then hadn't you, eh? Go on. The pair of you, get on your bike. Go on before Pauline comes back with - with me Deadly Nightshade. (Grandad exits) Rodney - no - come on you don't believe all that rubbish about food poisoning do you? Rodney Of course not, eat your mushrooms Del. Rodney exits. Del Rodney. Rodney (Out of view) We're not coming back Del. Del No, hang about, I'm coming with you. SMALL COTTAGE AT SEASIDE RESORT. DAY. The three-wheeled van pulls up outside a small cottage. Del Come on Rodney, you bring them suitcases. Grandpa, you carry the light stuff. Okay! (Auntie Rose opens the door) Surprise, surprise, hello Auntie, I bet you're surprised to see us, eh love? Come on, come on. Bring that in you two. AUNTIE ROSE'S COTTAGE. DAY. They all enter the room. Del Oh yes, very nice. Here we are. Here, Grandad, change the channels over will you, there's racing on half past two. INT. NIGHT. AUNTIE'S COTTAGE. Grandad is watching TV. Del and Rodney are finishing a meal. Rodney So what d'you put in the note to Pauline then? Del I just put 'My dearest darling Pauline. The engagement's off, the wedding's off and, as you can gather from this letter, I'm off! I'll give you five days to clear out of the flat and do not ever come money-grabbing old murderess. All my love Del Boy!' And then lots of kisses. I didn't - I didn't put it quite as nicely as that but that was the gist of the idea, yeah. Rodney God knows what we'll go back to! She'll most probably smash that flat to pieces! Auntie enters. Auntie Have you had enough? Del That was handsome - handsome well it was, Champs Elysees as the French say. Del peels a few fivers from a wad of fivers and hands it to her. Del (cont'd) Now listen Auntie, we're going to be here for about five days so what I want you to do is, I want you to take this money here like that, put that in yer pinny, because I don't want you spending your own money on us. Alright? Auntie Well that's very nice of you! Do you mind if I ask you some- thing? Del Well of course not, manière d' être. Fire away. Auntie Who are you? Del Who - who are we? Rodney You mean we've been in your house for five hours, had all your shepherd's pie and had a bath each and you don't know who we are? Auntie Well I didn't like to ask you because you seemed to know me! Del We're Joannie's boys aren't we. (Indicating Grandad) Well, I mean, he isn't no - no. You remember Joannie, my mum, married Reg Trotter! You were at the wedding! Auntie I don't remember you! Del No, no, no, of course you wouldn't remember me, not at me mum's wedding. I was only a babe in arms. Grandad You said come down anytime! Auntie When was this then? Grandad 1947! Rodney So here we are! Del You must - you must remember the wedding! It was at that big church - you know Our Lady the Divine Rosemary, Peckham Auntie Peckham...I've never been to Peckham in my life! Funny you should mention it though because the lady that owned this cottage before me, she came from Peckham. Del (To Rodney) Auntie Rose has moved! Rodney Well who's this then? Del Gawd knows! Auntie Joannie! Joannie Hollins? Married a Jamaican fella? Del and Rodney Yeah. Auntie Yeah but you don't look very... Rodney We're adopted! Auntie Oh, would you like some apple pie? Del That would be smashing Auntie, thank you. THE TROTTERS' FLAT. The front door opens and Del pops his head around it cautiously. He, Rodney and Grandad enter. Del Sssh, come in. Come on, come in here. Listen, be alert! Pauline could come rushing out of any of these rooms in there brandishing her mother-of-pearl hankies flick knives! It'll be like Psycho in a tower block. Sssh, listen, I'll take the living room, Rodney you take the bedroom, Grandad you take the kitchen...Right and good luck! THE LOUNGE. DAY. Del creeps into the centre of the room. He realizes Pauline is not there. The room is bright and tidy. Rodney enters, Del jumps. Del Go on my son, go on, go on. Rodney She's not in the bedrooms! Del Ah? She done any damage? Rodney No, all the beds are neatly made, she's even been round with the hoover! Grandad enters. Both Del and Rodney jump. Grandad She's not in the kitchen! It ain't 'arf clean and tidy out there! Del What's her game then, eh? What is her game? There's no-way that - that Pauline would leave this flat without doing something really nasty to me! No, no, don't be daft. Where would she get a bomb from, eh? Rodney Eh there's a letter here! It's addressed to 'That no-good lying two-faced creepo'. Del Oh, that'll be for me Rodney! Let's have a look, see what she's got to say for herself then, eh? Right, here we are. Oh well now that's more like the Pauline that I know and loved! Oh dear look at the - look t the language here. You'd think an ex-air hostess would know how to spell better than that look at that, eh? Rodney (Reading some of the letter) Is that true? Del No, get off! Rodney Del - did Pauline really mean that much to you? Del No, no, not really. No, somehow it wasn't quite the same. Sometimes I think I'm not really cut out for this falling in love lark. Rodney I've got a confession to make Del. You know that phone call from Trigger, the one about the police investigations into food poisoning, well it was a wind- up! Me and Grandad put him up to it...We did it for you Del. Del You put him up to it? Grandad It was nothing to do with me Del, I only suggested it. Rodney Yeah, he only suggested it! We was only thinking of you Del. Del You was only thinking of me! You couple of...rascals (Laughing) What am I going to do with you two, eh? What am I going to do with you? Rodney Got you out of schtuk didn't it! Grandad Yeah, we're alright on our own - we don't need no birds. Del No, no, not if you say so Grandad...Here - go on - go on, put the kettle on, eh? Look at the girl the way she spells, look at that. Rodney That's, that's PTO 'please turn over'. Del I know that, I know that please turn over means, don't I, PTO, I'm not illiterate an' all that. Grandad Here, there's someone on the phone, it's Tim! Del Tim who? Grandad Tim, the talking clock. Del Here. Oh the cow! She only phoned the talking clock before she left! And this is - Gordon Bennett this is dated four days ago! Rodney I don't want to worry you Del but this Tim's got a funny accent! Del (Realizing) She only phoned the talking clock in America that's all. Grandad You mean we're connected to America? It's amazing innit! (Into phone) Hallo. Rodney and Del (Shouting) Hang it up!

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