STUDIO. INT. NIGHT. NAG'S HEAD.
Del and Rodney are at the counter. Albert is seated at
a table nearby. Trigger is chatting to him.
Del
(Calls)
Michael - Mike.
Mike, bored with Del's efforts to sell him something
- anything, approaches Del.
Mike
What is it now?
Del
This is your lucky night.
Del produces a brochure of a Rajah computer.
Del
(Cont'd)
What about that for a
portable computer, eh, Mike?
It's got 64K, UHF output, a
megabite disc-drive, it's
got ROM, it's got RAM, it's
got them, red and green
lights, everything!
Mike
What do I want with a
computer?
Del
What does he want with a
computer? Everyone's got a
computer these days!
Mike
Have you got one?
Del
Have I got one?
Rodney
He's got twenty five!
Del
Yes, thank you, Rodney!
Michael, this particular
model retails at three
hundred and ninety nine
pounds of the realm. I'm
giving it to you for one
hundred and fifty, I'll even
chuck a joystick in. See?
You can process all your
data.
Mike
And what exactly does that
mean?
Del
Well it means you can... you
can... tell him what it
means, Rodney.
(To Mike)
He's taken a course in this,
he came top of his class.
Rodney
Well, in 'layman's' terms it
means you can, em, well,
you er, you can record all
your business deals.
Mike
I spend half my life trying
to hide my business deals.
So the last thing I want is
to have 'em all recorded on
a floppy bloody disc! I'm
not interested. Ask Trigger.
Rodney
Trigger? With a computer? Do
me a favour, he's still
struggling with light
switches.
Trigger sips his beer (a full pint) and reacts to its
weakness.
Trigger
Try that, Albert.
Albert
(Sipping the
beer)
Last time I tasted something
like that was when I was in
Egypt.
Trigger
Yeah? What was it a local
brew?
Albert
No, I fell in the Nile.
Trigger
Here, Mike, I ordered beer!
Mike
Don’t try'n be funny with
me, Trigger. I'll tell you
this much, I've had
certificates for my beer.
Trigger
Yeah, I've had a few days
off work with it as well!
Del and Rodney move towards a table.
Del
Bloody computers. I bought
thirty of the things, I've
only sold five.
Trigger
Well that's not too bad,
Del.
Del
Not too bad? I've had 'em a
year and a half!
Rodney
Our sales campaign suffered
badly when the local office
of fair trading announced
to the press that they
don't work.
Del
They do work, Rodney!
You've just gotta fiddle
around with 'em a bit.
Rodney
They don't work properly!
Trigger
You know about this sort of
thing, Dave?
Rodney
As it happens I do. Recently
I took a computer course and
the adult education centre.
Albert
And failed!
Rodney
I didn't fail!
Trigger
What, you passed?
Rodney
No, I didn't actual pass
either. The man in charge
said - in not so many words
- that I should concentrate
more on the theoretical side
than the actual keyboard
area.
Del
What he actually said was,
'Keep your bloody hands off
my machine!'
Rodney
Thanks for being so encourag-
ing, Del! If I could pass
that course and get my
diploma I might be able to
get a real job, working as a
real company employee,
instead of hanging round with
the deadly duo, you and that
suitcase!
(To Albert and
Trigger)
D'you know what he's had me
doing today?
Rodney produces one of the inframax massagers.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
This in an infra-red
massager, cures rheumatics
and all that. He's had me
hobbling through the market
like I've got bad lumbago.
Then 'Healing Hands
Trotter' spots me and cures
with his ray-gun in front
of all the punters. He used
to be a cowboy now he's a
medicine man!
Del
Oh shut up you tart! You're
just narked 'cos you had a
hole in your vest!
(Checks his
watch)
Anyway I can't hang around.
You know that chop-suey
house down by the station?
The one we decorated?
(Standing up)
They've gone bust and they're
auctioning all their gear
tonight, so I'll see you
later.
Del moves towards the entrance, as he does so we see Mr
Jahan enter. He wears a blazer and old school tie. He
scans the bar, obviously looking for someone.
Del
(Spotting Mr
Jahan)
Oh my God!
Del turns and starts to walk in the opposite direction.
Mr Jahan
(Calls)
Mr Trotter!
Del
(Delighted)
Mr Jahan! What a pleasant
surprise. What brings you
in?
Mr Jahan
That computer you sold me
last month is still not work-
ing.
We see Mike react.
Del tries to quieten Mr Jahan.
Del
No, no, I'm sure there must
be a simple explanation.
Del leads Mr Jahan over to a table. They sit down.
Del
(Cont'd)
Let's discuss it over a
drink. What can I get you, Mr
Jahan?
Mr Jahan
Something non-alcoholic.
Del
(Calls to Mike)
Pint of your best bitter,
please, Mike.
Mr Jahan
I have a business to run, Mr
Trotter. I bought the
computer, at your suggestion,
in order to streamline my
business. So far your
computer has managed to
destroy my accounts, wipe out
my entire annual stock
records and set fire to my
curtains.
Del
You must be pressing the
wrong button. You see Mr
Jahan, it's as important for
the computer to get used to
you as for you to get used to
the computer.
Mr Jahan
Are you suggesting there is a
personality clash?
Del
No, no. What I mean is we are
talking outer-limits hi-tech.
That computer was used in the
American space shuttle.
Mr Jahan
But it blew up!
Del
I don't mean it was the same
computer. Although that
would explain why it's not
working too well! Trust me,
Mr Jahan. Give it a bit of
time and I guarantee you
that one of these days
you'll wonder how you ever
managed without it.
Mr Jahan
I'll give it one week then
I'll be back to see you.
Del
That's the spirit, you know
it makes sense.
Mike arrives at the table with drinks.
Del
(Cont'd)
Thank you Michael. Anyway,
I thought that young fella
who works for you was a
computer bofin.
Mr Jahan
Oh he has resigned. Said the
work did not agree with him.
Del
They don't know they're born
half of 'em, do they?
Mr Jahan
I have placed ads in the
local paper and at the job
centre, but all to no avail.
It's not a difficult job and
I pay good wages.
Del turns and looks in Rodney's direction.
Del
Yeah, it's not gonna be easy,
Mr Jahan. I mean you're
looking for a young man with
plenty of drive and enthus-
iasm.
Mr Jahan
Not really.
Del
A couple of GCEs wouldn't go
amiss though, would they?
Mr Jahan
It is not a necessity.
Basically I a looking for
someone who can walk.
Del
That's what I mean, you're
talking top-notch. Most
people of that calibre have
gone off with the brain-
drain No, it's gonna be
difficult... Pot pourri,
pot pourri! This is your
lucky night, Mr Jahan. I may
have the perfect person for
you.
Mr Jahan
Really? Who?
Del
My very own younger brother.
Enthusiastic, and he's got
GCEs in maths and art.
Since he left Cambridge he's
spent most of his time
wheeling and dealing in the
commodities market. All the
headhunters have been after
him from the Bank of England
to ICI but he fancies
something a bit more local.
Mr Jahan
Can he walk?
Del motions with his hands as if dodging round tables.
Del
Dashes about all over the
place.
Mr Jahan
Would he like to discuss it
with me?
Del
No, no, I'll do that for him.
How much you offering?
Mr Jahan
A hundred.
We cut to the table of Rodney, Albert and Trigger. Mike
has now arrived at Rodney's table.
Mike
Del Boy's got something
going over there.
Rodney
That means someone's gonna
suffer.
Rodney smiles at the fate of this anonymous person.
Trigger
Talking of suffering, my
niece is getting married
next Saturday.
(To Rodney)
You remember little Lisa,
don't you? She came up last
year. She was the one who
arranged for Del Boy to
have a go on the hang-
glider.
Rodney
Oh yeah, I liked her.
Trigger
Well she's invited you all
down to Hampshire for the
wedding.
Mike
Well that's very nice of her,
Trigger. Tell her I'd be
delighted.
Trigger
(To Albert and
Rodney)
You two are coming, Del's
accepted for you.
Rodney
He's accep... He's something
else ain't he... Hold on, I
thought Lisa was getting
married last year?
Trigger
(Slightly
embarrassed)
Yeah, she was. Then she found
she wasn't.
Mike and Albert catch on after a tiny pause.
Mike and Albert
Oh!
Rodney
Wasn't what?
Albert
You got a pencil and a bit of
paper, Mike?
Rodney now catches on and performs a pregnant gesture.
Rodney
Oh!
Trigger
Yeah. Well now she's found
he is again. Should be good
though. A day down by the
coast, nice little drink
afterwards. Talking of
drinks, I'll get these in.
Trigger moves to the bar. We se Mr Jahan leaving. Del
arrives at Rodney's table.
Del
Rodders, this is your lucky
night! I've only been and
got you a job.
Rodney
(Without hesitation)
I don't want it!
Albert
What d'you mean you don't
want it? You only just said
that you'd like to get a
job.
Rodney
Yes, but not from him! I've
had some of his little
'jobs' in the past and I am
here to tell you that he's
no Brook Street Bureau!
Del
That's charming innit? After
all my time and effort
that's the thanks I get!
This wasn't just a job,
Rodney, it was a career
move!
Rodney
But I haven't got a career.
Del
But you could have had one!
And it'd been moving! And
it would have been some
wages coming into the flat.
We are brassic at the
moment.
Rodney
Yeah, some of your novel,
money-saving devices are
in evidence - again! So
what's the job?
Del
Well you're not interested,
Rodney, so it's purely
epidemic innit?
Albert
What sort of job was it, Del
Del
He would have been a trainee
computer programmer! Event-
ually. It was mentioned that
the successful candidate
would - with endeavor -
attain executive status.
Rodney
Well... I thought, sort of,
well I thought I'd be
humping boxes round and all
that. I didn't know it was
trainee executive.
Del
He mentioned your CV. How
bad's that eh? Nice little
Citroen.
Rodney
No, I think he might have
been referring to my
curriculum vitae.
Albert
Well that's no problem,
there's no heavy lifting
involved.
Del
Well, he'd have to start at
the bottom of course.
Rodney
Of course. Doing hat?
Del
Well, em, basically it's kind
of... em, kind of delivering!
Only to begin with though!
And it's ninety pound a week
in your hand, no tax, no
nonsense!
Rodney
But if I'm working for cash
in hand I'm not really an
employee!
Del
It's only for a trial period!
So what do you say?
Rodney
Where will I be working?
Del
D'you know that new office
block in Wilmot Road, the
one with all the smoked
glass and lairy cars?
Rodney
Where all them young birds
come out of at lunchtime?
Del
That's the one.
Rodney's head is filled with the idea of leather chairs
and mini skirts.
Rodney
Yeah, I know it!
Del
Well, right opposite it
there's an alley.
Rodney
(The balloon
deflating)
An alley?
Del
Between the undertakers and
the Light of Nepal restau-
rant. Well, at the bottom of
the alley there's a yard.
Pop your head in there
Monday morning and ask for
Mr Jahan and he'll give you
your duties and uniform. Is
that the time? Gotta get
down the Chinkies before the
auction finishes. See you in
the morning.
Del exits.
Rodney
Why would a trainee computer
programmer need a uniform?
Albert
Dunno, son...
Albert starts laughing at Rodney. One of those slow
burn laughs.
Rodney
I don't know what you're
laughing at, Unc. Don't you
see what this means? You've
just been promoted to the
bloke in the market with
the bad back!
Albert's laugh die.
INT. SAY. FOYER OF RECEPTION HALL.
A set of open doors lead through to the main hall. All
we can see of the main hall is the end of the dining
table with a waitress putting the final touches to
flowers, glasses, etc. (This is purely background to
suggest where the wedding breakfast will be held).
Coming off the foyer is a corridor leading to an
entrance or some kind of cloak area where a semi-
private conversation could be held.
We also have a set of French windows overlooking the
open countryside. (We must emphasize we are in the
country)
We have two tables joined together and bearing a pile
of presents. Two presents are placed apart from the
rest. The first present is very neatly wrapped in
tasteful and expensive wrapping paper and
complemented by a large silk bow. (This is the
Boyces' present)
The second present is wrapped in a rather cheap paper
and is very untidy, as if a heavy handed man has
wrapped it. (This is the Trotter' present)
Andy, the groom, and his male relatives are wearing
morning suits. Lisa's male relatives are wearing
Burtons' suits.
As we come up on scene Lisa (in wedding dress) and
Andy are receiving their guests who are in a queue.
Most of the guests have been received and are
standing around sipping sherry and awaiting
permission to enter the main hall.
We see Albert staring out of the window. The vicar
goes to greet Andy and Lisa.
Vicar
Congratulations, Lisa, and
you too Andrew. My very best
wishes for your future
happiness.
Lisa
Oh, thank you Reverend.
Andy
Yes, thank you very much,
sir. It was a lovely service.
Vicar
Why, thank you. And who
knows, in a year or two from
now we could all be back in
church celebrating the
christening of your first
born.
Lisa and Andy look at each other.
Lisa
(Quietly to
Vicar)
Actually, my Mother wants to
talk to you about that.
Vicar
(Reacts)
Oh... Oh yes... I see.
Andy and Lisa wander away.
We see Del exiting from main hall eating a piece of
brown bread and butter he has just taken from one of
the tables.
Del calls, as if he's addressing a life-long mate.
Del
Vicar!
The vicar reacts alarmed at the sound of Del's voice.
He would have liked to have avoided him.
Vicar
Ah, Mr Trotter, how nice.
Thank you once again for the
lift.
Del
Oh bain-marie, bain-marie,
it's the least I could do.
I'm sorry it was a bit bumpy,
but, there again, we didn't
have far to go. By the way,
that computer I was talking
to you about earlier. I left
it in your vestry.
The Vicar reacts. He doesn't want the computer.
Vicar
You left it in my vestry?
Del
Oh, please, it was no
problem! I mean I had to
clear it out the back of the
van to make room for you!
Now remember, in case the
Bishop asks, they retail at
three ninety nine, it's
yours for one an' a half and
a score off for cash. I
can't say fairer.
Vicar
But I'm not sure I have a
need of a computer!
Del
You can have it on two weeks
approval. I mean, if I can't
trust you then who can I
trust? Ask and it shall be
given, that's my motto.
(To someone
out of vision)
Hello there, turned out nice,
didn't it?
Del moves out of shot leaving a bewildered vicar.
We cut to Albert at a window. Rodney joins him and
hands him a sherry. It's been a nice day and Rodney
is feeling particularly benevolent and there is a
nice 'family' atmosphere between him and Albert.
Albert
(Taking the
sherry)
Thanks, Rodney.
Rodney
What are you doing over here
on your own?
Albert
Just reminiscing.
(Gesturing to
countryside)
This used to be my old stamp-
ing ground. Portsmouth's
only a couple of miles up the
road there.
Rodney
Bet you had some laughs round
here, eh?
Albert
Not half! The warning used to
go out, 'Lock up your
daughters, Trotters back in
port!'
We cut away to the bride, groom and queue. Trigger and
Mike are chatting to the happy couple.
Trigger
(To Lisa)
You remember Mike, don't you?
He's the water-diviner from
the Nag's Head.
Lisa
(Kisses Mike)
Of course I do. Hello, Mike,
it's lovely to see you
again. This is Andy, my
husband.
Mike
(To Andy)
Congratulations, son. You
will never regret what you
did today. I should know,
I've been married eighteen
years.
Andy
Thanks a lot. Is your wife
here?
Mike
No, we broke up in '73.
Anyway, well done.
Cut back to Rodney and Albert.
Albert
Finally the skipper said, 'I
know, we'll try and hide in
one of the fjords.' So...
Rodney
(Cutting in)
Albert, I think I might have
heard this story. Did you
sink?
Albert
Yeah.
Rodney
I've heard it!
Rodney walks away.
Del is standing a couple of yards away next to the
table bearing presents. He has heard the tag-end of
Albert's story and is chuckling at Rodney.
Del
Why do you listen to him?
Rodney
I don't know - a moment of
weakness I suppose.
Boycie and Marlene approach.
Marlene
(Referring to
reception)
It's a bit up-market, innit,
Del?
Boycie
Mmmh, I was surprised to see
you here.
Del
I am at home in all walks of
life, Boycie.
(To Marlene)
Anyway, how are you, sweet-
heart?
(Touching Marlene
up)
Woh!
Del and Marlene laugh.
Boycie
I don't believe it! Will you
behave yourselves! This is
only an hyphen or two off a
society wedding and you're
acting like you're on a
charabang trip to the
lights.
Marlene
Oh shut up you snobby git!
Boycie
I am merely trying to conduct
myself with a bit of decorum!
Boycie does a double-take on the Trotters' present.
Boycie
(Cont'd)
I assume that 'bundle' is
from you?
Rodney
(Offended by
his tone)
Yeah, that's our present.
Boycie
God, it looks like the bomb
squad have had a go at it!
And what have you bought the
unlucky couple?
Del
It's a thirteen piece dinner
service!
Marlene is now worried about a clash of presents.
Marlene
But we've bought 'em a dinner
service as well!
Boycie
I shouldn't worry, Marlene,
they'll be no comparison.
(Touching or
patting their
present)
We got ours from Royal
Doulton, they most probably
got theirs from Dalton's
Weekly.
Del
(To Rodney)
He's something else, ain't
he? He's got more front than
Southend.
Marlene
No, but it is a lovely dinner
service, Del. It's got a hand
-painted pattern depicting
the changing seasons of the
English countryside.
Boycie
He's most probably given 'em
that old crockery he bought
at the Chinese auction.
Del and Rodney react deeply offended. Rodney's express-
ion now changes as he remembers the strong oriental
influence of the crockery.
Del
(To Boycie)
How dare you! What sort of
bloke d'you think I am?
Boycie
Well I wouldn't put it past
you. Shall we circulate,
Marlene?
As they walk away we hear Marlene in background.
Marlene
Bloody 'ell, Boycie, we've
been round more times than a
break dancer!
Rodney
Did our dinner service come
from the bankrupt Chinkies?
Del
No it didn't! I swear to you
on my life!
Rodney
Well those plates had an
awful lot of Pandas and
Pagodas on em!
Del
Alright, they did come from
the Chinese take-away. Look,
we've been a bit strapped for
money recently! Anyway,
they're very nice Pagodas.
Rodney
No they're not, they look
more like prisoner-of-war
camps! I mean how is it gonna
make us look? Boycie and
Marlene's service depicts the
changing seasons and ours
contains scenes from Tenko!
Del
Yeah, I suppose you've got a
point... Hang on a minute.
Del now removes his carnation and deliberately drops it
to the floor. He bends down to pick t up and is now at
eye-level with the two presents. Taped to the front
of both presents are small envelopes containing
congratulations cards. Del removes the two cards and
swaps them. He now stands and surveys the room making
sure nobody has seen. Rodney has witnessed it and is
terrified that they might have been seen. Del nudges
him.
Del
(Quietly)
He who dares wins, Rodders.
Del wanders off into a room saying hello to a few
total strangers.
INT. NIGHT. THE FOYER OF RECEPTION HALL.
The doors to main hall are still open but the dining
tables have gone and been replaced by dancing guests
and the sounds and lights of a disco.
The wedding presents have disappeared and been
replaced by a couple of long trellis tables which
act as a bar complete with optics stand.
Mike is behind the bar serving. Rodney, Trigger and
Boycie are standing around bar chatting. Trigger's
Aunt Reen appears from corridor or wherever. She is
about 60 and a cockney. Jovial, good natured, good
hearted and went through the entire blitz without
spilling a drop of gin.
Trigger
(Calling her)
Aunt Reen. D'you wanna drink.
Reen
I'll have a port and lemon.
Better make it a small one,
I've had my orders from young
Lisa, I mustn't get Oliver
Twist in front of 'his'
family. I don't know who she
thinks they are, big hats and
no drawers most of 'em!
Albert exits from the main hall.
Trigger
(To Reen referring
to Albert)
Here's a face from the past.
Albert recognises her immediately and smiles. Reen
squints at him before recognition.
Reen
Albert Trotter? I don't
believe it!
Albert
Hello, Reeny girl, how you
going?
Reen
I thought you went down with
the Lusitania!
Rodney
(Quietly to
Mike)
Fiver says he did!
Albert
No, they tried but they
couldn't get me. How long
you been living out this way?
Reen
I moved from Peckham in 1965.
I couldn't stand that estate
anymore. It's nice and
peaceful out here and I don't
have to save up to get to the
seaside. You must be retired
now.
Albert
Yeah. I'm living back with
the family, Joannie's kids.
Reen reacts as if it is too much to ask for.
Reen
Del Boy's not here is he?
Albert
Yeah, he's in there having a
dance. He'll be out soon, he
ain't had a drink for four
minutes. And little Rodney's
here as well!
Rodney
(With a dread)
Oh no!
Reen
Rodney's here? Oh the little
love!
Albert indicates the group at the bar.
Albert
He's over there.
Reen walks towards the group at the bar.
Reen
The last time I saw you you
were still in your pram.
She now kisses an unsuspecting Boycie on the cheek,
accompanied by a big hug.
Boycie
Who the bloody hell is this
woman?
Rodney
(To Reen)
No, no. I'm Rodney.
Reen
You're little Rodney? Ain't
you got big?
(Giving Rodney
a big kiss)
You don't remember me, do
you, darling?
Rodney
No.
Albert
This is Trigger's Aunt Reeny.
She used to be your mum's
best friend.
Reen
Oh yeah, me and Joannie, the
terrible twins. D'you
remember when your mum had
that cleaning job at the
town hall?
Rodney
No.
Reen
I used to look after you
while she was at work - bath
you and everything.
Rodney is cringing with embarrassment. Mike is enjoying
Rodney's discomfort.
Reen
D'you remember when I took
you shopping that day in
Woolworths?
Rodney
No.
Reen
As I was pushing you round
you were picking things up
off the counters and I
didn't know! When I got
home and took you out the
pram I found three bottles
of scent, a packet of
Weights and a Helen
Shapiro record!
(Laughing)
So the next day I took you
up Selfridges!
She now laughs even louder.
As her laughter fades she begins to study Rodney
critically.
Reen quietly turns to Albert and is referring to Rodney.
Reen
I reckon the rumours were
true, don't you Albert?
Joannie was never a hundred
percent sure, but you can
see the likeness, can't you?
Rodney is puzzled by this. Albert is embarrassed.
Albert
D'you fancy a dance, Reen? I
can still cut a rug with the
best of 'em.
Reen
You keep your hands to your-
self though.
(To Rodney)
See you later, love.
Albert and Reen move to the main hall.
Rodney
(To Mike)
What was that all about?
Mike
Gawd knows.
Boycie
I remember her from years
ago, she's never been the
full ten bob.
Rodney closes his eyes in embarrassment for Trigger.
Trigger
Oi, she's my Auntie!
Mike
It must be a family trait
then!
As Albert and Reen reach the doors to main hall so
they virtually bump into Del as he exits. Del is
jacketless and sweating from dancing. He is tucking
his shirt flap back into his trousers.
Del
Be careful in there, Albert.
Marlene is pulling all the
blokes' shirt flaps out.
We see Boycie's reaction to this news. Del now spots
Reen.
Del
(Cont'd)
No... No, it's not! Reeny
Turpin!
They embrace.
Reen
Remember me, do you?
Del
Remember you, I'm still
having nightmares about you!
How are you, sweetheart?
You keeping well?
Reen
I'm smashing, Del.
Reen has now seen Del's rings and chains.
Reen
(Cont'd)
I must say you're looking
very prosperous.
Del
Well, life has been good to
us, innit, Rodney?
Rodney
Oh yeah, a non-stop Mardi
Gras.
Del
Let's have a sit down, eh?
I'm feeling a bit cream-
crackered after that dancing.
Del and Reen move to chairs.
Albert
(To Rodney)
She sed to be a right little
raver in her younger days.
Rodney
(Smiling at
this)
Yeah?
Trigger is a couple of feet behind Rodney.
Albert
They reckon during the war
she had more yanks than
Eisenhower.
Rodney and Albert laugh. Upon hearing the laughter
Trigger turns and smiles as if he wants to be in on
the joke.
Albert is now looking in Reen's direction and so not
spotting Trigger.
Albert
I heard the Normandy landings
started from her scullery.
Rodney and Albert laugh again.
Trigger is at Rodney's shoulder and is laughing.
Trigger
Who you talking about?
Rodney
Trigger's Aunt.
Rodney and Trigger react.
We cut away to Del and Reen.
Del
So how long is it since I
last saw you?
Reen
I moved from Peckham in '65,
so that's nearly twenty
three years! You said you'd
pop down and see me.
Del
It's been a bit tied-up,
Reen, you know how it is,
business and what have you.
Reen
He seems a nice kid, little
Rodney.
Del
That boy has got a diamond
where other people have got
hearts. Clever kid an all,
GCEs the lot.
Reen
But he's had you in there to
guide him, Del. He wouldn't
be in the position he's in
today if it hadn't been for
you.
Del
(Modestly)
Well, you know, I've done my
best by him. Kept my promise
to mum.
Reen
She would have been so proud
of you two. I think that's
why I moved down here. The
old place changed after your
mum went. I lost the best
friend I ever had.
Del
Yeah, she was a lovely lady.
Reen
If things had worked out a
bit better you and Rodney
could have been millionaires
by now. I remember visiting
your mum in hospital and her
saying to me, 'If only I
knew where he'd hidden it,
Reen. My boys could be set
for life!'
Del nods in agreement. He now reacts.
Del
Hidden? Hidden what?
Reen appears now quieter, assuming Del knows.
Reen
You know, the gold!
Del
What gold?
Reen
'His' gold!
Del
Who's 'he'?
Reen
Freddy the Frog!
Del
Freddy the Frog? Who's Freddy
the Frog?
Reen reacts as she realises Del knew nothing.
Reen
You mean your mum never told
you? Oh my Gawd, me and my
mouth! Forget I said any-
thing Del.
Del
How can I forget it? You
might as well tell me, Reen,
otherwise I'll get it out
of someone else.
Reen
It all happened a long time
ago. She met him in about
1959.
Del
Met who?
Reen
Freddy Robdul.
The vicar is collecting his coat. Upon hearing the name
Robdul he turns as if recognising the name. He then
exits.
Del
Who's Freddy Robdul?
Reen
That was Freddy the Frog's
real name. He was a villain
from Rotherhyde, he wasn't
a nasty-type though, no
guns or violence. He was a
gentleman thief. Bit of a
dandy was Freddy, loved
French wine and paintings
and what have you. He had a
little holiday chalet down
this way. They reckon when
the police broke in the
walls were covered with
Monets and other originals.
Del
Yeah, yeah, but what's this
got to do with my mum?
Reen
Well, she, sort of...
(Choosing her
words carefully)
'befriended' him.
Del
Yeah, well, she was a
friendly lady, weren't she?
Help anyone out.
Reen
Yeah. Well, she used to help
Freddy the Frog out. Anyway,
one day in August 1963
Freddy and a little gang
broke into the vaults of a
bank in the city. They got
away with over a quarter of
a million pound in gold
bullion The rest of the gang
got caught but Freddy - and
the gold - got away. Well, a
short time afterwards, while
still on the run, he was
tragically killed in a freak
accident. When they opened
his will he'd left every-
thing he owned to your mum.
Del
What, including the Monets
and originals?
Reen
Oh no, they had to be return-
ed to their rightful owners.
The same went for the gold
except no-one knew where
Freddy had hidden it. Then
your mum left all her
worldly possessions to you
and Rodney - including the
lost gold.
Del
If it was valued at a quarter
of a million in 1963 it's
gotta be worth at least a
million now! Maybe two! And
it's mine!
Reen
Yours and Rodney's.
Del
Same thing! I'm a millionaire.
Reen
Yeah. Bloody shame no one
knows where it is, innit?
Del
Yeah, it's a bit of a choker.
(Taking Reen's
glass)
I'll get us a re-fill.
As he moves to the bar he passes Rodney.
Del
(Cont'd)
Rodders, I know you may find
this hard to believe and it
may come as a bit of a shock
to you, but - you and me are
millionaires!
Rodney
Oh good, perhaps we can take
the magnet off the electric
meter now.
He now nods his head as he realises that nothing has
changed, they are still skint.
EXT. DAY. THE MARKET
We are at (or give the impression of being at) the far
end of the market where the road joins a T-junction.
Del is on the corner of Market Road and the more
residential road. He has the trellis table open with
the suitcase on top. He is trying to flog infra-red,
hand-held massagers.
Del is spieling to a small crowd, indicating his back.
Del
Now in the past if the old
Cilla Black was playing you
up you'd have to stagger
down to the quack's to pay
a two pound fifty
prescription for a three
bob tube of Algipan. But
those days are over thanks
to this revolutionary
device - The inframax deep
-penetration massager.
We hear a few giggles form a group of girls in the
crowd.
Del
(Cont'd)
No, no, you're miles off.
This is an osteopeadic
machine which emits soothing
infra-red rays right into
the muscles and warms your
pains away. Now if you tried
to buy one of these up
Harley Street they'd nip you
for seventy to eighty
pounds, but thanks to free-
enterprise, bulk buying and
a mate of mine who does a
bit of smuggling, I can offer
it to you good people for a
mere fifteen quid.
There is little reaction from the crowd.
Del
(Cont'd)
Come along now, I can't be
any fairer. You be glad you
sprained your ankle with
one of these.
At this point Albert appears from around a corner as
part of the act. He is stooped with mock back pains
as he hobbles through the crowd.
Del
(Cont'd)
Alright, fourteen quid,
that's what I paid for 'em,
snatch it off me.
(To Albert)
Excuse me sir, could you
hurry along please, I'm tryna
do some business.
Albert
Sorry, son.
Del
(To crowd and
ignoring Albert)
I don't care if you've got
back-ache, neck-ache, ear-
ache or any other ache,
this little thing will
cure it.
A woman in the crowd calls out to Del. Her tone is not
accusing or suspicious but jovial and all part of the
fun and interplay that builds between a good market
spieler and his audience.
Woman
(Referring to
Albert)
Try it on him then.
Del
Eh?
Man in Crowd
Try it on the old fella.
Del
No, no, I don't wanna do the
batteries up.
We now hear light-hearted jeering form the crowd. 'Go
away' and 'Get off home' etc.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Referring to
Albert)
That might not be backache.
For all you know it could be
body-language.
Albert
No, it's rheumatics, son.
Suffered with it for years.
Woman
Try your massager on him.
Del
(Defiantly)
Alright, I will.
Albert is now indicating the massager machine.
Albert
That soppy little thing
won't do me no good. My
back's been under
experts! Confounded the
medical world, my back
has.
Del
Well, at least let me try,
sir. It can't do any harm.
Let's get your coat off.
Nice and easy.
Del gently removes Albert's duffle coat. Albert
flinches a few times in pain.
Del
(Cont'd)
(Referring to
Albert's medals)
I see you're a naval war
hero.
Albert
Forty years before the mast
fighting for King and
country.
Albert snaps to attention and salutes.
Del
(Quietly to
himself)
He ain't real!
(Whispers to
Albert)
Groan, you daft old git!
Albert
Eh? Oh yeah.
Albert groans loudly and clutches the small of his
back.
Albert
(Cont'd)
Oh Gawd, my back!
Del
No sudden movements, sir.
Not until I have applied
the healing rays of the
Inframax deep-penetration
massager.
Del switches the machine on. Displays the machine to
the crowd like a magician starting a trick. He now
begins to rub the machine gently over Albert's back.
Del
Can you feel the relaxing
warmth soothing the tension
and pain from your lumbar
region?
Albert
Yeah, that's very thera-
putic that is. I've never
had this done to me before.
Del
Coming from an old sailor
that's saying something,
innit?
Albert is now referring to the warming rays on his
back.
Albert
Oh, that's lovely. My back
feels better already.
(Now begins to
straighten up)
Look at that, I can stand up
straight! I haven't been
able to stand up straight
for years!
To emphasise his new found mobility, Albert goes right
over the top and does a little tap-dance routine. Del
turns away in disbelief.
Del
I don't believe him! What is
he doing to me?
The crowd is now laughing and dispersing.
Man in crowd
(To him mate and
referring to
Albert)
He's just a stooge!
Woman
He's part of the act!
Del
No he ain't! We've never met
before, have we, sir?
Albert
Never, Del.
Del hurls the massage machine to the ground in anger.
The crowd disperses and drifts away. Albert steadily
approaches the fuming Del.
Albert
You told me to 'get better'
in front of the crowd.
Del
Yes, but I didn't ask you to
do the third act of 'Singing
in the Rain'! You came round
that corner looking like Old
Father Time. One rub of me
massager and you turned into
Wayne Sleep!
Albert
Well, I'm not used to all
this market spieling. Why
didn't you get Rodney to do
it?
Del
Because Rodney started his
new job this morning. He
can't be in two places at
once.
(Indicating suitcase,
tables, etc)
Right, clear this all up will
you?
Albert is reluctant and is now mumbling to himself.
Albert
Innit bloody fair, eh? I
fought a war for the younger
generation.
Del
Yeah, but whose side was you
on?
Albert begins closing the suitcase, folding table, etc.
We see Trigger and his dust cart appear in background,
he is sweeping round the corner of the T-junction.
Trigger
Del Boy, Albert.
Del
Wotchyer, Trigger.
Trigger
Good wedding weren't it?
Del
Yeah, mustard.
Trigger
Lisa and Andy were double
pleased with that dinner
service you bought 'em. Must
have cost a fortune?
Del
It was nothing Trigger. Any-
thing to help the young
couple.
We hear the bip of a car horn. We see Boycie pulling up
in his Mercedes. He wears dark glasses and has a large
cigar between his fingers (really flash). He stops the
car in the centre of the more residential road and
prepares to reverse into a space on the corner of the
T-junction.
Del
Here comes Money!
Trigger
(Referring to
Boycie)
D'you see the crappy present
he bought 'em?
Del
No, no I didn't catch that,
Trigger.
Trigger
Load of cheap old plates.
Kind of thing you'd get in a
bad Chinese restaurant.
Del
Well, that's how he got rich,
through being tight.
Trigger
Yeah, he's always been tight,
ain't he?
Del
He's the kind of bloke who'd
buy a tin of baked beans on
Tuesday 'cos he fancied a
bubble bath Wednesday.
Trigger nods in agreement. Boycie reverses into space
and alights.
Boycie
Good morning, gentlemen.
Another fine day in Gotham
City. The wedding seemed to
go well, Trigger, all things
considered.
Trigger
Yeah it was alright, weren't
it?
Boycie
Did Lisa and what'shisname
find time to look at my
present?
Trigger
Yeah they looked at it - not
for long though.
Boycie is bemused by Trigger's last remark.
Boycie
(Referring to
Del)
And what about 'his' little
gift?
Trigger
They put Del's present
straight in their display
cabinet.
Boycie
(Horrified)
Peasants!
Del
Talking of the wedding,
there's something I wanted
to ask you two. Think back
to the early sixties. Do
either of you remember -
Freddy the Frog?
Trigger
Freddy the Frog? No, don't
ring a bell. I remember
Torchy the Battery Boy.
Boycie
Yeah, and what about Twizzle?
Boycie does the stretching, growing motions of Twizzle.
Del
This is something else!
They're from another planet!
Trigger now spots something n the distance.
Trigger
(Respectful tone)
Hold up lads, hats off.
Del and Trigger remove their hats.
We cut to see a hearse carrying a flower covered coffin
moving slowly along the road. We are at an angle where-
by we cannot see the driver of the hearse, or front
seat passenger, at this point.
Boycie
Albert, your mini-cab's
arrived.
Albert gives him a sneer.
We cut to see the funeral cortege. Behind the hearse
(we still cannot see the driver or passenger) comes
one official funeral car, behind this comes an old
Renault and then a Cortina, both containing
mourners.
We cut back to see Del, Albert, Trigger and Boycie
(and a few other locals who have stopped to show
their last respects).
Trigger now zeros in on something at the very front
of the cortege.
Trigger
(To Del)
Is that Dave?
Del
(Sheepishly)
Yeah.
We cut to see Rodney walking slowly and mournfully in
front of the hearse wearing the long-tailed coat and
uniform of the official chief mourner (he carries his
black top hat in hand); he is obviously feeling very
self-conscious.
We now cut to the hearse where we see a white driver
and Mr Jahan sitting next to him. They are both
dressed in smart black undertakers' suits. We cut
back to Rodney who does a quick double-take as he
spies Del in the crowd.
Rodney is seething and loathing. He tries to hiss the
word under his breath but his anger is so powerful he
cannot contain it.
Rodney
You git! You rotten git!!
Del holds a finger to his lips and indicates the
cortege - reminding Rodney of his duties.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
(To Del from
across street)
You didn't tell me my new
job was a chief mourner!
Del
Have some respect, Rodney.
Cut to interior of hearse.
Mr Jahan
(Referring to
Rodney)
(To Driver)
What's he doing?
The driver shakes his head. Cut back to street. Rodney
is walking on in the middle of the road but is looking
in Del's direction.
Rodney
I'll get you for this, you
bloody well see if I don't!
Del
Behave yourself, Rodney.
You're in a responsible
position now!
Rodney
You just wait, Del! You just
wait!
Rodney turns to the front and walks on a few paces. He
now stops as he realises he has led the cortege into a
no-entry street. He holds his hand out for the cortege
to stop. We see all the cars pull to an abrupt halt,
not actually crashing into each other but getting too
close for comfort. We hear a couple of tiny screeches
of tyres.
Mr Jahan opens the passenger window of the hearse.
Mr Jahan
(Calling to
Rodney)
Why are you taking us down
there, Rodney? It's a
no-entry!
Rodney
Yes, sorry, Mr Jahan, I was
talking to my brother and
I... Sorry!
Rodney calls out to a car at the back of the cortege.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
If you could back up a little
bit, please.
We cut to Del.
The last car in the cortege (the Cortina) has stalled
and as the driver tries to re-start the engine we
can hear the battery running down.
Rodney is running up towards the car.
Rodney
Would you mind backing up a
bit, please?
(To Driver)
What's the trouble?
Del
I can't stand it any more.
What a plonker!
Del turns and disappears into the crowd.
Boycie
Yes, I'm finding this very
upsetting as well.
Trigger
D'you know the bloke in the
hearse then?
Boycie
No, but I know the bloke in
the Cortina, I sold it to
him last week.
We cut to cortege. Rodney is now calling to the occupants
of the official mourners' car and the old Renault.
Rodney
Would you mind giving us a
push please? It won't take
a moment.
(Calling down
towards hearse)
Sorry, Mr Jahan!
STUDIO. INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Albert is alone in the lounge and reading the newspaper.
From the bedroom area we can hear Del and Rodney
arguing.
Rodney
(OOV)
You're a liar, Del!
Del
(OOV)
Rodney, I swear to you I
didn't know what your duties
would be, Mr Jahan never
told me!
Rodney
(OOV)
Didn’t know, my arse! You
just set me up for that job
so that I could bring some
money into the flat.
Del enters.
Del
Well every little helps,
Rodders. Anyway that black
suit looks really good on
you.
Rodney enters.
Rodney
No it doesn't! I saw my
reflection in a shop window
and I looked like a wand!
You said I'd be a trainee
computer programmer!
Del
And are you not programming
his computer?
Rodney
Oh yeah, I'm programming the
computer. I'm also an
apprentice pall-bearer, a
fully-fledged chief mourner
and I have to go and get the
sandwiches!
Albert
Long as you've got job-satis-
faction, that's the main
thing.
Rodney
No, I have not got job-satis-
faction! To be honest, I'm
thinking of resigning!
Del
Well, I'd hurry up before he
sacks you!
Rodney
That big traffic jam was not
my fault! Alright, name one
person who blamed me!
Del
Mr Jahad did.
Albert
The grieving relatives did.
Del
The Flying Eye did.
Rodney
I can't help it if the
differential on that Cortina
seized up! I had to call the
RAC, and they had to call
for a tow truck which
couldn't get through.
Albert
Why?
Rodney
'Cos of the big traffic jam.
Anyway it all went off
alright in the end.
Del
Yeah, and you could have set
a trend. Floodlit funerals
could be all the rage!
Anyway, I don't want to talk
about it anymore, I've got
far more important things on
my mind.
Rodney
Oh, we're not going back to
Freddy the bleedin' Frog
again, are we?
Del
Yes, we are Rodney. There's
a million quids worth of
gold bullion out there, and
it's ours!
Rodney
You're something else, you
are. Some drunken old woman
spins you a cock 'n' bull
story and you fall for it.
Del
Reeny might have been a good
time girl who likes the
occasional Tizer, but she
was never a liar. Besides,
I've been and seen a few
faces this afternoon and
they've confirmed it. The
robbery - the gold never
being found - the lot.
Rodney
But how can you be certain it
hasn't been found? I mean at
some time or another, every
policeman and underworld
figure in the country must
have been searching for that
gold.
Del
And what would they have done
with it? They'd either have
put it through a fence, which
meant it became public
knowledge within the month,
or they'd have to smelt it
down and sell it themselves,
and that amount of bullion
coming on the market causes
ripples, the kind of ripples
that'd be remembered for a
long time!
Albert
And what if the police found
it?
Del
I'm talking about the police!
The chaps haven't found it
either. I had a chat with the
Driscoll brothers.
Rodney
(With a chill
down his spine)
You went and saw the Driscoll
brothers?
Albert
Why what they like?
Rodney
Smashing blokes, Unc. It's
like bumping into the two
Ronnies - Biggs and Kray!
They didn't catch on why you
were asking questions?
Del
No. You know what they're
like. A couple of years back
some Guru said the world
would end in a month. Danny
Driscoll bet a grand it
would. And he's the brains
of the outfit. Trouble was I
had to keep referring to him
as Freddy the Frog, I
couldn't remember his
surname. It was Robson or
something.
Albert
Robdul.
Del
That's it, Robdul! I've been
tryna think of that all day
to... Did you know him?
Albert
Vaguely!
Del
Why didn't you say?
Albert
Well, the first time I met
him he was just a kid -
eighteen, nineteen, a
different age group from me.
Then over the years I'd
bump into him every so
often, usually in one of
the pubs near the docks. He
was a likeable fella,
always knew the latest
jokes, and a generous
bloke. He was very tall and
handsome. Everyone liked
him, specially the women.
Used to fall over them-
selves for Freddy.
Del
Yes, yes, yes, but what
about the gold bullion?
Albert
Well they robbed a bank in
the city...
Del
Yes, yes I know all about
that! I mean what happened
after the robbery?
Albert
About a week after, Freddy an
an explosive expert. bloke
called Jelly Kelly, broke
into a sub post office in
Plumstead. Apparently they'd
wired the explosives up and
everything was going well,
when - and no-one knows why -
but Freddy the Frog sat on
the detonator. They
eventually found him on the
roof... of a building across
the road.
Del
And what about the other
mush, Jelly Kelly?
Albert
Well, he was holding the
nitroglycerine when Freddy
sat down.
Del
So obviously he didn't
survive either.
Rodney
Well, if he did he'd be no
good in a Mexican wave.
Del
Wherever I go it's the same
story - Freddy took the
secret with him.
Albert
Maybe he shipped the gold
abroad.
Rodney
There wouldn't have been
time. There was only a week
between him doing the job
and hitting the snooze-
button.
Del
There's something else
that's confusing me as well.
If he was having an affair
with a married woman on this
estate, why did he leave all
his money to our mum?
Rodney and Albert just stare at Del in disbelief.
Albert
(Shaking his
head)
It's a mystery, innit?
Rodney
I'll make some tea.
Rodney exits to kitchen.
Del
I was talking to one of the
Driscoll heavies. He said
he'd heard that Freddy had
a son by this woman.
We cut to kitchen and see Rodney's reaction. Cut back
to lounge.
Albert nervously eyes the kitchen door, fearing Rodney
might have heard.
Albert
Just rumours, Del. I'd take
no notice of rumours.
Del
No. But if it were true the
boy would be in his mid-
twenties by now. Still, he
don't know who his real Dad
is so he can't make a claim
on the fortune.
Rodney enters from the kitchen.
Del
Bloody good, innit, bruv?
Here we are, millionaires,
are we're getting threaten-
ing letters from the milkman!
Del holds up a note from Express Dairies.
Rodney
(To Albert)
This er, Freddy Robdul. Did
he have any hobbies or
pastimes?
Del
Hobbies or pastimes? We're
searching for his gold, not
his tennis racket!
Rodney
No, I thought the more you
know about him the more
you'll know how his mind
works.
Del
Yes, good thinking, Rodney.
He was a bit of an artist
weren't he, Albert?
Rodney reacts.
Albert
(Very aware of
Rodney)
Yeah, good artist. They
reckon if he hadn't been a
tea-leaf he could have
made a very good forger.
Del
Well that's got us a lot
closer. It's almost solved.
I'm gonna sleep on it.
I'll see you two in the
morning.
Del exits to the bedroom area. 'Goodnights' are
exchanged. A long look is exchanged between Rodney and
Albert.
Rodney
Did Mum ever...
Albert
They're rumours, Rodney.
That's all, rumours. Good-
night son.
Albert exits to bedroom.
Rodney sits alone considering it all.
Del
(OOV)
Rodney. Don't forget, you've
gotta be down the morgue by
half nine.
Rodney closes his eyes.
INT. DAY. NAG'S HEAD.
Del
We'll finish this then we'll
pop down the market and have
another go with the
massagers. And this time,
when I've finished operating
on you, no tap-dancing! Just
straighten up slowly like
it's a miracle.
Rodney in chief mourner's gear appears from entrance
on far side of bar.
Rodney
(Calls excitedly)
Del! Got it!
Rodney is holding a piece of paper which is some kind
of printed form with biro handwriting on it.
Rodney makes his way round the bar towards the table.
Del
(To Albert)
What's that about?
Albert
Dunno. It looked like 'peace
in our time!'
Rodney arrives at the table.
Rodney
This morning Mr Jahan asked
me to transfer all his old
paper files onto the
computer.
Del
(Horrified)
What, my computer?
Rodney
Yeah.
(Handing Del
the paper)
Have a read of that.
Del
(Refusing to
touch paper)
No. No!! What is it, a
summons?
Rodney
No. It's one of Mr Jahan's
order forms from July 1963.
Look who ordered a coffin to
be specially made. One
Frederick Robdul. It was
ordered five weeks before
the robbery, six weeks
before he blew himself up.
D'you see what it means?
Albert
He had a premonition.
Rodney
You berk!
Del
(Reading the
paper)
No, Freddy only paid for it,
it was made for some bloke
called Alfred Broderick. Who
was Alfred Broderick?
Rodney
No, look at the two names
closely. It's an anagram.
Del
Oh yeah, yeah, I can see
that. But who was he?
Rodney
No - bloody 'ell - look, if
you transpose - you know,
mix up - all the letters in
Frederick Robdul it turns
into Alfred Broderick. In
other words Alfred Broderick
never existed, it's just one
of Freddies' aliases.
Del and Albert study the paper.
Albert
He's right an' all.
Del
So he put...
Rodney
... the bullion...
Del
In the coffin and then got
the Co-op to hide it for him
or in this case, Mr Jahan.
Rodney
Right. It was all above
board and out in the open.
It was most probably paraded
through these streets.
Del
I'll bet the old Bill
stopped the traffic for it.
Rodney
Yeah. Then it was buried
with all the usual honours.
All Freddy had to do was
bide his time, then come
back for it.
Albert
You seem to be forgetting
something. This isn't a
family pet we're talking
about. If what you're
suggesting is right he'd
have needed permission from
the authorities - he'd have
needed official document-
ation - and lots and lots
of it! So where's he get
all that?
Del and Rodney look at each other. They have no answer.
Rodney
He always has to spoil
things, don't he?
Del
Wait a minute, I think I've
cracked it. Back in the
early sixties when you was
a nipper, Mum used to work
at the town hall as a...
secretary.
Rodney
A secretary?
Del
Yeah. Well, part of her
duties was hoovering out the
Registrar's department.
Don't you see, she could
have got her hands on every
document he needed and
marked it with the official
stamp!
Mr Jahan in his funeral director's suit, enters.
Mr Jahan
Rodney, what are you doing
here? You're supposed to be
helping me with the
embalming.
Rodney
Yeah, sorry, Mr Jahan. I just
took an early lunch.
Del
Sit down Mr Jahan. I want to
have a chat with you. Now, Mr
Jahan, Rodney found this in
your files.
Del shows him some paperwork.
Mr Jahan
But this is confidential
material.
Del
It just shows you how
enthusiastic he is. He's
even taking homework to
lunch with him. Do you
happen to remember this
gentleman, Mr Frederick
Robdul?
Mr Jahan
Oh yes I remember him very
well, a most charming man.
My father had only just
bought the business and Mr
Robdul was one of my very
first clients. The other
reason it sticks out in my
mind is because Mr Robdul
ordered an extra-large
casket to be made.
Del smiles as it all clicks into place.
Del
Did he now? Well, I suppose
his friend, Mr Broderick,
must have been an extra-
large chap.
Mr Jahan
I wouldn't know, we didn't
handle the funeral.
Del
(With a now
faded smile)
What?
Mr Jahan
We simply supplied the
casket. Mr Robdul collected
it in a van one night.
Del
You mean it was a take-away?
Mr Jahan
Mr Robdul told us it was to
be a very private affair.
We didn't question his
decision - we did not wish
to intrude upon his grief
and we needed the business.
Mr Jahan stands. Del pulls him back down.
Del
So you don't know where it
was buried?
Mr Jahan
I have no idea, as I say, it
was a private affair. Now, I
must return.
(Standing up)
Rodney, how long will you be?
Rodney
Back soon, Mr Jahan.
Mr Jahan exits. Del sits at the table, trance-liked
and socked.
Rodney
(Cont'd)
Well, that's the end of that.
Albert
You'll never find it now,
son.
Del
Yes we will!
Rodney
Del, the gold has been
missing for twenty four
years. The last thing anyone
saw of Freddy the Frog was
on a radar screen, so what
chance have we got?
Del
He must have buried it some-
where local. I mean he'd
stick to an area he knew
well. I tell you what we're
gonna do. I'm gonna see the
flower man in the market
and get us a codgel of
tulips on sale or return.
You're gonna visit every
graveyard and cemetery in
the district and check the
name on every headstone.
Leave a flower on each one
as if you're a relative.
Albert
But there's thousands of 'em!
Del
If anyone asks tell 'em
you're form a big family! You
do the same thing on your
travels, Rodders. It'll be
like a busman's holiday to
you. In the meantime I'm
gonna check a few records at
the town hall, churches,
stonemason's yards, that sort
of thing. We'll find it! You
mark my words.
Rodney
Derek, I don't want to be the
prophet of doom or nothing,
but I just get the feeling
we're wasting our time. Time
that should be spent in more
practical pursuits, like
earning some money and pay-
ing some bills. We owe two
months rent, we're dinking
tea without milk and the
electricity board are
calling round to see why
their meter is going
backwards.
Del
There's food in the
cupboard, ain't there?
Albert
Yeah, thanks to my pension
and Rodney's wages. It
wouldn't be a bad idea for
you to drive down to
Hampshire and pick up that
computer money off the
vicar.
Del
Listen to me, that gold is
here somewhere. It can't
just have disappeared, this
is Peckham not the Bermuda
Triangle. And for me to
drive all the way down to
Hampshire to collect a
piddling hundred and twenty
quid would be like
admitting defeat. A sign
that I'd give up all hope
of ever finding my birth-
right. And that is not my
style. When Del Trotter
says he's gonna do
something, Del Trotter does
it!
STUDIO. INT. DAY. CHURCH VESTRY.
The computer is on the table and plugged in. The screen
shows lots of fizzy lines like interference. The vicar
enters followed by Del.
Vicar
(Indicating the
screen)
You see what I mean Mr
Trotter, I've tried every-
thing but it simply refuses
to work.
Del
Hmm, I see. Has the machine
received a knock of any kind?
Vicar
Oh no, I can assure you.
Del
Oh.
Del now gives a heavy thump with the side of his fist.
The screen clears and appears to be in working order.
Del
(Cont'd)
There you are, that's all it
needed.
Vicar
Yes! Well, I'm not as tech-
nically minded as you, Mr
Trotter.
Del
Sometimes these hi-tech
advancements need a bit of
encouragement. So, if you've
got the money vicar, I'll
bid you farewell.
Vicar
I'm afraid I shan't be
needing the computer, Mr
Trotter.
Del
What?
Vicar
As I told you at the wedding,
I honestly couldn't see what
part a computer could play
in the daily running of a
small parish such as this.
And my words have been borne
out.
Del
Oh yeah, but if it had been
working properly you might
have seen the benefits.
Vicar
I'm very sorry, Mr Trotter
and I'm very grateful to you
for giving me two weeks
approval on the machine, but
I simply have no need for
it.
Del becomes increasingly desperate and closes the door.
Del
I can't take it back now,
it's been used.
Vicar
Well, of course it's been
used! You told me to use it!
Del
Yeah, but it's been taken out
of its protective wrapping.
Del points to a spot on the computer - the spot where
he hit it.
Del
(Cont'd)
And it's had a whack on the
side as well.
Vicar
But you just did that!
Del
Yes but I'm not a technician,
I'm just the salesman. So
what do I tell my head
office? You've taken the
protective wrapping off,
messed about with it, let an
unqualified wally repair it
and now you wanna elbow it!
I mean that was in lovely
condition when I loaned it
to you, but now it's second
hand... Look, I'll be fair
with you. Even though you
were the one who naused it
up I'll let you have it at a
second hand price. Gimme
hundred notes and we'll say
no more on the matter.
Vicar
I don't want the computer!
Del
But this machine is top of
the range, this is the
Silver Cloud of computers.
And just think, there are
thousands of people
pouring out of London to
live in new housing estates
in this Parish. Your flock
is increasing daily, you're
gonna need something to
keep a check on 'em all!
Vicar
I only wish it were true.
Unfortunately few of them
seem to need the spiritual
services of this church.
It's a pity more of them
couldn't be like our
mutual friend Mr Robdul.
Del
What?
Vicar
I appologise, but I couldn't
help overhearing you and Mrs
Turpin discussing Mr Robdul
at the wedding.
Del
You knew Freddy the Frog?
Vicar
I'm sorry?
Del
Freddy Robdul. You knew him?
Vicar
Many years ago when I first
came here to St Mary's. He
had a holiday home just a few
miles from here. He'd always
call in when he was down this
way. A charming and very
generous man. He donated the
stained-glass windows. In
fact he loved this church so
much he had his parents
buried here.
Del
Did you ever meet Freddy's
mate? Bloke called Broderick.
Vicar
Alfred Broderick? Yes, well I
didn't actually 'meet' him,
not in the conventional
sense. It was my sad duty to
lay the poor man to rest. He
must have been rather a large
man, it took eight of us to
carry him from the hearse.
Del
Yeah, he was an anagram!
Could you tell me where you
buried it - him? I'd like to
pay my last respects.
Vicar
Why, of course. I'll check
the records.
The vicar begins checking a large ledger.
Vicar
(Cont'd)
He must have been very close
to Mr Robdal. I'll never
forget the way he constantly
patted the coffin and
contained his grief behind a
smile.
Del
Yeah. We was all a bit
choked. You found it yet?
Vicar
Ah, here it is.
Del shoves the vicar out of the way and reads the page
of the ledger.
Vicar
About the computer?
Del
Don't worry about the
computer. Give it to the
jumble sale, it's a load
of junk anyway!
EXT. DAY. THE CHURCH.
Rodney is reading. A puff of smoke drifts past his
face. He looks at Albert.
Rodney
What do you put in that
thing?
Albert
It's me own recipe. Dutch
tobacco. Navy shag and a
spoonful of rum to keep it
moist.
Rodney is revolted.
Albert
(Cont'd)
(Taking a deep,
deep breath)
Smell the salt, Rodney?
Rodney
You put condiments in it as
well?
Albert
I mean the ozones in the air.
Takes me back. Funny how a
smell can start the mind
turning.
Rodney
(Looking at
pipe)
Not to mention the stomach.
Del now rushes from the church doors and comes towards
the van. He has a quick, purposeful step. He is alive
and raring to go. We should not be able to tell
whether his mood is one of anger, determination or
greed.
Del
Rodney! I know where it's
buried!
Rodney
What, you mean - here?
Del
Yes, here! Come on.
(Indicating back
of the van)
Albert, fetch that shovel!
Del moves off quickly along the path leading to the
graveyard. Rodney gives chase but never quite catches
up to Del. Albert follows with the shovel.
Rodney calls after Del.
Rodney
(Hushed shout)
Del, you can't go digging up
a grave in broad daylight!
EXT. DAY. AREA OF GRAVEYARD.
Del marches towards us with Rodney some yards behind
and Albert further back carrying the spade.
Rodney
I mean, I know there's
nothing actually in it -
except for gold bullion,
but if anyone saw us doing
it they might not under-
stand!
Del
Come on!
EXT. DAY. ANOTHER AREA OF GRAVEYARD.
This is the edge of the graveyard and the perimeter is
marked by a small fence (two foot high).
Del
(Stepping over
fence)
Over here.
Rodney and Albert follow.
EXT. DAY. AREA OF OPEN GRASSLAND WHICH LIES BEHIND
GRAVEYARD.
Del walks out into the centre of the grassy area and
stops. Rodney and Albert now join him.
Del gives a nod of the head which indicates nowhere
in particular.
Del
That is it. That is where he
buried it!
Rodney
(Surveying the
grassland)
Where?
Del
(Pointing)
There!
Rodney turns in that direction. We pan to find our-
selves looking at to sea. If possible it should be wide
open ocean - no islands, headlands, piers or ships to
mar the view - just miles and miles of sea. We are in
fact upon a cliff top or high point.
Rodney
(Incredulously)
A burial at sea? But why?
How did he ever hope to get
the gold back?
Del
There are a few minor things
our dear Uncle forgot to
inform us of, Rodney. He
told us he met Freddy the
Frog but he didn't tell us
where and how.
Albert
I met him when he was doing
his national service in the
navy.
Rodney closes his eyes as things begin to click into
place.
Del
Yes, he was a sailor! And he
also omitted to tell us why
he was nicknamed Freddy the
Frog. We assumed it was
because of his love of all
things French.
Albert
No, it was 'cos he was a
frogman.
Rodney closes his eyes again and lets out a low moan.
Del
Yeah, I know that now, the
vicar's just given me the
full SP.
Rodney
(To Albert)
Why didn't you tell us?
Albert
Well, you know me. I never
talk about my days at sea.
Rodney
Look, we knew that Freddy had
a chalet down here by the
coast. If we'd have also
known that he was an ex-
sailor and a deep sea diver
we could have put two and two
together.
Del
And saved ourselves a fort-
night of creeping round every
cemetery and churchyard in
South London!
Albert
Well, if you knew he was
buried at sea why'd you ask
me to bring this shovel?
Del
(Grabbing the
shovel)
To whack you on the bloody
head with!
As Del lift the shovel into the air, Rodney grabs it
and stops him.
Rodney
Del, take it easy!
Del
Well, he's given me the 'ump,
Rodney, he's given me the
right steaming 'ump!
(Staring out
to sea)
I mean, it's beautiful,
innit? He had all the kosher
paperwork, a pukka ceremony
with an authentic vicar. He
even got two off-duty
policemen to help carry the
coffin to the boat!
Rodney
All he had to do was wait
for the dust to settle, then
come back with his frogman
gear and dive down and get
it. He must have known these
waters well, most probably
been diving here for years.
Del
It's out there, Rodney, our
legacy!
Albert
Nothing you can do about it
now, Del.
Del
I'm not leaving it there!
The sea shall not have it!
I will bring it back to the
surface! We can do it! I've
got faith in you, Rodney!
Rodney
But how are we gonna... Me?
What d'you men you've got
faith in me?
Del
I'll get you all the equip-
ment, flippers, goggles,
the works. You're the only
one in the family who can
swim, Rodders.
Rodney
All I ever got was a fifty
yard certificate at school.
Del
You've only gotta swim
fifty yards - down!
Rodney
On your bike!
Albert
(To Del)
Where you gonna start
searching? You're looking
at five hundred square
miles of ocean! It took
'em seventy years to find
the Titanic so what chance
we got with an outsize
coffin?
Del, becoming most hysterical in his frustration and
greed:
Del
There's gotta be a way! He
who dares wins! There's a
million quids worth of gold
out there - our gold! We
can't just say Bonjour to
it!
Del storms away from them leaving Albert and Rodney
alone. Albert and Rodney stare out to sea. (Slight
pause)
Rodney
Do I look like him?
Albert
It was just a rumour, son.
Rodney
Do I look like him?
Albert
Bit.
Rodney
I always felt as if I was
different from the rest of
the family. A bit of a
cuckoo.
Albert
It was just a rumour!
Albert walks away leaving Rodney alone.
Rodney looks out to sea.
Rodney
Freddy the Frog! Killed him-
self by sitting on someone
else's detonator! The last
anyone saw of my Dad was on
a radar screen!
Rodney smiles to himself.
Rodney looks up to the sky. We sea a seagull gliding
above. To Rodney, the artist, it represents the free-
spirit.
Rodney smiles to himself. He now feels completely at
one with the world and himself. He turns and walks
past Del.
Rodney
Come on, let's talk about
it over a pint.
Del
Yeah, alright, bruv.
Del points out to sea as though as if threatening it.
Del
(Cont'd)
But in the words of General
MacArthur, 'I shall be back
soon!'
They walk towards us. Rodney steps over the small fence,
followed by Albert. Del is following them.
Del
(Cont'd)
I am not leaving our birth-
right down there in Davey
Smith's locker. No way, I
tell you Rodders. This time
next year we'll be
millionaires.
They turn and walk back to the car.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
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