THE NAG'S HEAD.
Albert is playing the piano. Boycie is at the counter,
fawning over and desperately trying to impress Jumbo
Mills. Jumbo is one of the old gang and was once Del's
partner. He emigrated to Australia in 1967 where he
became a successful businessman. His main ability is a
shrewd eye for investment. His great failing is in the
field of public relations - he gets up every sod's
nose. He is rather flash and blunt to the point of
being considered big-mouthed. He wears clothes that
show off his tan and as much gold as Del. He also
wears a wig.
Boycie
Ah yes, we'll have two
sirloin steaks, thank you
Michael.
Jumbo
Make 'em big 'uns mate.
Boycie
Yes that's right, as Jumbo
says, make 'em big 'uns.
Sauté potatoes, a selection
of greens and the whole
thing put on my account
will you Michael.
Mike
What account?
Boycie
Ha, ha, what account! See
what I mean Jumbo, the old
place hasn't lost its sense
of humour!
Jumbo
Well, I wouldn't laugh if a
barman made a berk of me.
Mike
Barman! Now just you listen
here pal!
Boycie
Michael, Jumbo did not mean
any offence. Shall we sit
down over here?
Jumbo
Hey mate.
(To Albert)
Did you know this pub hasn't
got a music licence? Still,
as long as it's him playing
there's no problem, hey?
Albert
Who's the big-mouth Aussie,
Mike?
Mike
Oh him, he's no Australian,
he used to be a local lad
then he emigrated.
Albert
That was a bit of luck
weren't it? So what's he
doing back?
Mike
Buying some cars off Boycie
or something.
Del enters.
Del
(To Albert)
Oi, there you are, you mucky
old sod. Listen, have you
seen the state of my Persian
rug back at the flat? You
run the old J Edgar over it
as soon as you get back. Cor
blimey, should see it. Give
me, giss a Manhattan Mike,
small rum for him. Spit in
the rum.
Albert
Where's Rodney?
Del
Rodney, I left him down
clearing up the market.
Albert
'Ere, some mush just had a go
at me.
Del
Had a go at you? Who had a go
at you, where?
Albert
(Indicating Jumbo)
Him! Took the mickey out of
my piano playing.
Del
Well, you ought to be used to
that now Albert. I'll sort
him out, you stay here. I'll
sort you out an' all - later.
Right 'ere, excuse me pal -
I don't believe it! I don't
believe it!
(Moves towards
table)
Jumbo bloody Mills! Who let
you back in the country?
Jumbo
Oh, look at this will yer!
Talk about a bad penny. Del
Boy, how are you mate?
They are genuinely pleased to see each other.
Del
Alright mate, alright my son.
You are looking double well.
Jumbo
That's 'cos I live in a
healthy country. No fog or
frost in Oz mate.
Del
It's great, it suits you, it
suits you. Look at all that!
So tell me, what are you
doing back home, eh?
Del sits at the table to Boycie's chagrin.
Boycie
Derek, Jumbo and I are having
a business meeting. It's all
rather confidential.
Jumbo
I've got no secrets from Del.
Me and him were partners back
in the Sixties.
Del
That's right, that's right.
We used to have a fish stall
right outside the pub 'ere,
didn't we?
Boycie
Yes, I remember.
Del
Cor, those were the days, eh.
Those were the days. So how
long you back home for
anyway?
Jumbo
Well, just a week or so. In
fact, I'm just here to
finalise a deal with Boycie,
take in a bit of sightseeing.
I wish to God I hadn't
bothered. This country's
become a cesspit Del.
Boycie
You're right there Jumbo.
Del
(Patriotic)
A cesspit. What do you mean,
cesspit?
Jumbo
You could find cleaner places
in an Abbo's armpit.
Boycie laughs with him. Del has a crooked, vengeful
grin.
Del
I tell you what though Jumbo.
You can't tell that that's a
wig.
Jumbo
(Stops laughing)
That's because it's not a wig.
Del
Oh, do me a favour. You used
to have curly hair, come on
that's a syrup innit?
Boycie
Course it ain't a syrup.
Del
Look, I've got a tenner here
that says that is a syrup.
Boycie
I have got a tenner here
that says it ain't.
Del
Alright then, cover that
Boycie. Now listen, I tell
you why I know that...
(Indicates bar)
Is that your change over
there?
Jumbo turns and Del snatches the wig from his head.
Del (Cont'd)
Here we go.
(Picking up
the money)
Thank you very much.
Jumbo
What the flamin' hell d'you
think you're playing at?
Boycie
I don't believe you some-
times Del, here am I tryin'
to clinch a business deal
and you've just nicked my
client's wig.
Del
Well it was for a bet! You
do understand don't you
Jumbo?
Jumbo
No I bloody well don't!
Jumbo has difficulty putting the wig back on straight.
He gives up and puts it in his pocket.
Jumbo (Cont'd)
Jeez. You always did like
embarrassing me didn't you?
Look chaps, this is just a
temporary condition. My
doctors have assured me
that my own hair will grow
back - well - eventually.
Mike arrives at the table.
Mike
Here you are gents.
(To Boycie)
Where's the loud-mouthed
Aussie gone?
Jumbo
Just put the stuff on the
table and leave us alone
mate.
Mike
Now just a minute pal.
Del
Mike, Mike, leave it, leave
now, go on, it's
alright.
(To Jumbo)
He's a nice bloke, he really
is a nice bloke.
Jumbo
Oh yeah, a typical Brit, the
only thing that works is the
mouth!
Boycie
Del, I'm trying to have a
business meeting, do you
mind?
Del
Alright. You enjoy your nosh,
I'll see you later.
Jumbo
Yeah, I've gotta talk to you
Del.
Del
Alright then, any time.
Sorry. They want you over
there Boyce.
Boycie looks away and Del pinches a chip.
Del (Cont'd)
See you.
Del moves to the bar.
Boycie
Oi!
Albert
He seems a nasty bit of
work.
Del
Who, Jumbo? Na, that's just
the way he is, that's all.
He's got a heart of gold,
that bloke. His trouble is
that his mouth is always
three seconds ahead of his
brain. But, I tell you what,
I tell you what, he is a
diamond that bloke. He's
never cheated me. He's as
straight as a die. A real
diamond.
Boycie
The import and export
licences will be looked after
by my people, they should
only take a couple of weeks.
Jumbo
Yeah, yeah, look Boycie I'm
sorry, but I can't
concentrate without the
toop. I feel naked. I'll
pop out to the gents and put
it back.
Boycie
Oh course Jumbo, I fully
understand.
Rodney enters.
Rodney
Oi, I want a word with you.
Rodney passes Jumbo and then stops.
Rodney (Cont'd)
What's the idea...
Del
Oi Jumbo, no wait a minute.
Listen, you remember that
horrible little kid brother
of mine? One with the funny
hair cut, all snot and
Marmite.
Jumbo
Yeah, I remember. It's him
innit? You ain't changed a
bit Rodney.
Del
This is Jumbo Mills, remember
him?
Rodney
Na.
Del
Na, of course you wouldn't,
you were only a little sprog
when he emigrated to
Australia. Done very well
for himself, ain't he, eh?
Look.
Jumbo
You can say that again mate.
The best thing that I ever
did was getting out of this
dump. Now, of course, I'm a
major shareholder in an
office cleaning company. Got
a chain of fast-food
restaurants and I'm just
going into the automobile
trade. Last year, Del, I
bought this apartment over-
looking Sydney Harbour. Half
a million dollars.
Architect-designed interior
right down to the mirrored
ceiling in the bedroom.
Del
Mirrored ceiling!
Rodney
Oh, kinky.
Jumbo
No, no, it's purely decorat-
ional. I mean, I wouldn't
use it for anything like...
well, like that.
Albert
Well, you wouldn't use it to
comb your hair, would you.
Jumbo
(Offended)
You think I'm bald don't you?
Rodney
Well, it had crossed my mind.
Jumbo
Well, I'm not.
Albert
Well, that's a hell of a
parting you've got there son.
Jumbo
What I mean is I am not
naturally bald.
Rodney
You mean you pay someone to
do that?
Jumbo
What I mean, Rodney, is that
this is the result of a
nervous disorder, and my
doctors have assured me that
me own hair will grow back
at any time now.
Mike
Trouble is that they told
him that 15 years ago!
Del
No, listen, he don't mean
it. He's only winding you up.
Jumbo
Alright Del, I'll see you
about eight o'clock.
Jumbo exits to toilets.
Del
Alright mate, see you later.
Come on then Rodney, Albert,
drink up we've got work to
do. D'you clear up down the
market?
Rodney
Yes I did. That's what I
wanna talk to you about. How
long have I been a rubbish
clearer? You never told me I
got promoted. And that
weren't even our rubbish,
Del, that come off Harry
Dando's fruit and veg stall.
Del
I know it did, now listen
Rodney. Harry's, well, and
old man now, he's getting
on, got arthritis and a
touch of rheumatism. You
know, if I can help
somebody as I go along my
way, my living will not
have been in vain. That's
my motto.
Rodney
How much he pay you?
Del
A fiver, so you want two
pound then don't you?
Rodney
No I don't. I want two pound
fifty.
Jumbo exits from the toilet.
Rodney (Cont'd)
Oi, when that doctor said
your hair could grow back
anytime now, he weren't
kidding was he.
INT. NAG'S HEAD. LATER THAT EVENING.
Del and Jumbo enter.
Del
So anyway, listen, he said
for a moment, 'There I
thought you were 'hissing my
performance.'
Mike
Hello Del.
Del
Alright Mike. Listen, giss a
banana daiguiri for us moi
and Australian lager for
Jumbo. Alright.
Jumbo
Please.
Mike
I only sell British lager,
Del. Kronenborg, Hofmeister,
stuff like that.
Del
Well, giss one of them then,
that's alright, fine.
Jumbo
So how's life been treating
you Del?
Del
I'm alright, not complaining,
not complaining.
Jumbo
I take it you never did
become that millionaire you
were always talking about?
Del
Well, no, no, not yet. You
know.
Jumbo
'This time next year I'll be
a millionaire.' Do you
realise they were the last
words you said to me before I
emigrated? Trouble is that
was 1967!
Del
Well, you know there's still
time, still time. Thank you
Michael. Thank you, cheers.
Jumbo
D'you believe that Del? I
mean, do you truly believe
it?
Del
Yeah, course I do, yeah.
Jumbo
You should have come with me
Del. You're wasted here.
This country's finished,
it's old - decrepit.
Del
Yeah, alright, it's my
country so stop having a pop
at it will yer?
Jumbo
The stench of defeat is
everywhere.
Del
Alright, so it's British
stench and I happen to be
proud of it. Alright?
Jumbo
The old place has got no
guts any more.
Del
That's funny that is Jumbo,
someone said that a while
ago. A little jumped-up
general in Buenos Aires.
And if you're not careful
you'll get what the Argies
got, a good smack in the
eye. Right!
Jumbo
Now hold on, hold on. I
didn't mean to offend you.
I'm just tryin' to point
out a few facts, that is
all.
Del
Alright mate, leave it at
that then.
Jumbo
D'you remember when our
business broke up and I
decided to emigrate? Well, if
it hadn't 'ave been for you
Del, I'd have gone to
Australia potless. You gave
me your last two hundred
quid.
Del
I told you to forget it,
forget it, didn't I?
Jumbo
Well I never did forget it
mate. No, even when times
were hard I used to lay in
bed at night and think to
myself 'One day I'm gonna pay
Del back, with interest!'
And now I am. I want us to
reform our old partnership.
Del
What, get another fish stall?
Jumbo
No, no, no, no. You see, I'm
starting up this business.
I'm gonna import prestige
European motors, like
Rollers, Mercs, that kind of
thing. I want you to come to
Australia as my partner. I
want you to front the
business Del Boy, I want you
to deal with the public,
give 'em that old
razzamatazz like you used
to.
Del
Australia?
Jumbo
Well, I've got the money,
I've got the site and thanks
to my little deal with
Boycie, I've got the motors.
All I need is you.
Del
Well, I dunno. Australia, it
ain't 'alf a long way away
off innit, eh?
Jumbo
They'd love you over there,
they've got no class.
Del
What?
Jumbo
No, what I mean is they've
got no class structure like
they have here in England.
Over there it doesn't
matter how you talk. You
see, in Oz, a bloke's just
a bloke.
Del
Yeah but, cor blimey, it'll
cost a fortune to get over
there, won't it eh?
Jumbo
I'm paying.
Del
No, no, I couldn't, I ain't
got a trade or nothing. You
know, they wouldn't accept
me, would they?
Jumbo
You've got better than that.
You've got a full partner-
ship in a growing company.
Derek, this time next year
you will be that
millionaire!
Del
No, no, you know, I've got
family ties and all that
ain't I?
Jumbo
Well bring 'em with you. Put
young Rodney on the pay roll.
Del
Well, he has got two GCEs.
Jumbo
That doesn't matter, we'll
find something for him to do.
Del
Well, no, no Jumbo. You gotta
remember we didn't 'alf used
to row a lot didn't we?
Jumbo
So we'll still row. Our
biggest argument will be
who's got the most millions.
Jumbo spits on the palm of his hand and holds it out
for Del to smack.
Jumbo (Cont'd)
So what do you say Del Boy,
are we gonna do it or ain't
we?
Del
Alright, put it there, you
old bastard, you're in for a
fast ride.
(Smacks Jumbo's
hand)
Michael, Michael, please a
bottle of champagne for my
partner and me. And make it
the best champagne. A bottle
of that Dillingers 75.
That's Prince Charles's
favourite champagne that.
Jumbo
No, that's Bollingers.
Del
It's bloody true I'm telling
you.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Albert is watching TV, a documentary on the blitz of
London. Rodney enters from the kitchen.
Rodney
(Referring to TV
programme)
They're not at it again in
Brixton are they?
Albert
This is the blitz of London.
I was there.
Del enters.
Del
Rodney, Rodney, Rodney,
we're going to Australia!
Rodney
I'll just see the end of this
first.
Del
(Switching TV
off)
Good boy, good boy. Listen,
I'll get the glasses.
(Singing)
'Sunarise, she come in the
morning. Sunarise, she come
up in the morning, Lighting
up the ground all around.'
Rodney
I think you've had enough,
don't you?
Del
I'm celebrating ain't I? It's
not every day like you decide
to go to Australia, is it? Go
on.
Rodney
I tell you what, I'll make
you a nice cup of black
coffee.
Del
Oi oi oi. No, you don't
understand. We're going to
Australia!
Rodney
What do you mean 'We're going
to Australia?'
Del
Now listen, I met...What's
the matter? What's the matter
with this boy? Don't he
understand? Let me put it
another way, right. We are
going to Australia. See what
happened, Jumbo, Jumbo
offered me a partnership in
his company, his new
company, and it's gonna be a
real big earner, Rodney,
this time next year we will
be millionaires. Right,
first thing in the morning
we're going up[ Australia
House, right and we fill in
our forms and you know,
we're away, we're away.
Rodney
Don't I have any say in
this? I might not wanna go
to Australia.
Del
It's too late, it's too late
now, I've given him your
word, you see.
Rodney
Well, I want time to think
about this.
Del
You don't have to do that,
I've done all that for you.
Just think Rodney, eh,
Australia, where the men
are men, eh.
Albert
And so are the women.
Del
What's that supposed to mean?
Albert
Last time I was over there
the only way you could tell
the sexes were the men spit
further.
Del
Alright, when was the last
time...When was the last time
you was over there?
Albert
1929.
Del
1929. Cor blimey, we were
still transporting prisoners
over there then, weren't we?
Never mind, listen, I want
to explain something to you.
(Produces photos)
Look Rodney, I've got...Look
Jumbo borrowed me some of
his photos. Look at them,
look at that beach there.
Rodney
Oh yeah, look at that bird.
Del
Oh, that'd bruise yer ribs
wouldn't it. Hey Rodney,
that could be us in a little
while. Blue skies, surfing,
beach parties, all that, eh?
What'd you reckon?
Rodney
It sounds great. And he
wants us to help run his new
car business?
Del
No, no, no. Not help run it.
No, no, no, I'm gonna be a
partner, aren't I. Straight
down the middle, see Jumbo
he's gonna have 51 per cent
of the shares you see.
Rodney
Well how's that straight down
the middle then?
Del
Well I'll get 51 per cent as
well, I suppose. The thing is
Jumbo's gonna be behind the
scenes like, he's gonna
handle all the money like,
and I'm gonna be the sales
director. I'm gonna have my
own executive office, with a
swivel chair and all that
game. See.
Rodney
So what's my job?
Del
Ah, listen Rodney, you're
gonna play a very vital role
in the organisation, and I
know, I just know that you
can handle it.
Rodney
So what is it?
Del
Well you know when all them
Rolls Royces and Mercedes
they come trundling off the
ship, what is the first
thing they're gonna need?
Rodney
Import licences, customs
clearance, all that.
Del
More important than that.
Rodney
(Snapping his
fingers)
Re-registering, they gotta
have new number plates and
log books and all that.
Del
What are they gonna need
more than that?
Rodney doesn't know the answer.
Del (Cont'd)
Cleaning!
Rodney
Cleaning?
Del
Yeah.
Albert
He's going 20,000 miles just
to be a car cleaner?
Del
No, he's not gonna be just a
car cleaner. He's gonna be a
prestige car cleaner. You
know, he's gonna be in charge
of it and all that.
Rodney
I'll have staff working under
me then?
Del
Eventually, yeah. I mean this
is a growing business,
Rodney, and in a year from
now I can't afford to have
you down there with your
mutton cloth and your T cut.
I've got to have you up in
the boardroom, and you'll
have your own in-car
celluloid phone.
Rodney
And a secretary?
Del
Yeah, all that, you've got
to have all that.
Rodney
What about Albert, though.
We got to find something
for him to do.
Del
Yeah, well I've sorted it
all out.
Albert
I wouldn't waste your time
boys, 'cos I'm not going.
Del
Oi, come here Albert, what
you mean not going?
Albert
Listen to me son. I've spent
three-quarters of my life
sailing round this world.
Now, all I want is a place
to sit down and stay there.
When I come to live with you
two I hoped that I would end
my days here.
Rodney
Yeah, well so did we. But, I
mean, this is a great
opportunity for us Unc.
Del
Yeah.
Albert
It's a young man's oppertun-
ity Rodney. I'll be alright
here on my own.
Del
Alright, if that's what you
really want Unc.
Albert
Yeah.
Del
Listen, I'll make sure
you're alright for a few bob.
Albert
Yeah, you're a good boy Del.
Albert exits to the bedroom.
Rodney
Hey Del, we'll be getting
away from all this - the
fumes and squalor.
Del
It's goodbye to all that and
hello to clean air, good
living.
Rodney
That's a point, where are we
gonna live?
Del
Jumbo said we could have his
apartment for a while.
Rodney
What, not on Sydney Harbour?
Del
Yes, that's the one. It'll
be like living on another
planet.
Rodney
Er, Del.
Del
Yes Rodney, you can have the
room with the mirror ceiling.
INT. DAY. TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
This is a fortnight later. Albert and Del are sitting
at the table. Del reads a letter.
Albert
Well, what's it say?
Del
I've been accepted. I've
been accepted!
Albert
Well, thank God for that.
Del
I've had this feeling see.
Everything's been going so
well I thought something's
gotta go wrong, ain't it?
Albert
No boy, you're home and dry.
I've got this feeling as
well. I think this is the
chance that's gonna change
your life.
Del
Yeah, I'm gonna make it this
time Albert. You bloody see
if I don't!
Rodney enters from the bedroom area.
Rodney
Alright?
Del
Triffic Rodders, triffic. I
had a letter, I've been
accepted ain't I??
Wassamatter?
Rodney
Nothing, nothing's the matter.
Del
Oi, you ain't getting
homesick already are you?
Rodney
No! I got a letter this
morning as well.
Del
Yeah, yeah.
Rodney
They've refused me an
immigration visa, they've
turned me down. Sorry mate.
Albert
But why Rodney? I mean you're
young.
Del
And you've got GCEs.
Rodney
I've also got a criminal
record for an offence
involving drugs.
Del
Yeah, but, I mean, bloody
'ell! That was years ago and
you only took one bloody
puff!
Rodney
Yeah I know, but it don't say
that on your file does it. It
just says 'Found guilty for
the illegal use of drugs.'
I'm sorry mate, I'm really
sorry. I've messed it all up
for you ain't I?
Del
No you ain't bruv, no you
ain't.
Rodney
Yes I have. I've blown your
big chance.
Del
No you haven't, there is a
way round Rodney. There's
always a way round it.
Rodney
Really?
Del
Yes, don't worry Rodney. I'll
find another car cleaner.
Rodney
You're still going? You're
gonna go without me?
Del
I've got to, I mean, I've got
a partnership waiting for me
over there.
Rodney
But what about our partner-
ship?
Del
Our partnership? Oh, our
partnership. Well, yeah, that
means all the world to me
Rodney you know that, but I'm
just gonna have to say bonjour
to it.
Albert
Look boys, I know it's none
of my business...
Rodney
You're spot on Albert.
Albert exits to the kitchen.
Albert
I'll make some toast, son
Del
Look Rodney, this is my
golden opportunity to fulfill
my potential. What do you
want me to do? Stay here,
flogging all this rubbish.
I've got 24 computers here
that don't work, I gotta
near-Persian rug that's got
more food on it than a menu.
Rodney
But last year when I had a
golden opportunity you
forced me to give it up
didn't you? You give me all
that cobblers about loyalty
and family ties.
Del
But you wanted to become a
window cleaner, didn't you?
It's hardly the end of the
rainbow stuff that, is it?
Rodney
Yeah, well I'd have had my
own business.
Del
I know Rodney, but you will
have your own business
because as soon as I step
on that aeroplane you will
become the sole proprietor
of Trotters Independent
Traders.
Rodney
And what exactly am I
supposed to trade with?
Del
Well, at least you've got 24
beautiful looking computers,
and this sort of Persian rug,
not bad, you sloosh it over
with a J cloth and it's a
real goer. I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do. Here's my
little black book right. Now
I'm gonna give you that and
that contains the names and
addresses of all my birds.
Rodney
(Takes book)
And this is my future. 24
computers that don't compute,
the only rug in the world
with a sell-by date and...
(Referring to book)
The script to A Hundred and
One Dalmatians. Thanks a
lot!
Del
Don't you think I've
sacrificed enough for you?
Rodney
Sacrifices? For me?
Del
Yes you, when dear Mum, Gawd
rest her soul, when she
died...
Rodney
Don't start again.
Del
When she died, who stood by
you?
Rodney
Yes, I remember that well. I
was a little five-year-old
stood in a damp graveyard
wondering what the hole in
the ground was for, I
remember all the other people
saying 'I wonder what's gonna
happen to poor little
Rodney?' But I had no need to
fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a
vision appeared from beyond
the silhouette of the
gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it
a plane? No, it's Del Boy!
Da da da daad! 'I, Del Boy,
will look after this small
waif. I will bring him up in
the ways of Del Boy. He will
sell iffy watches from old
suitcases on street corners.
And I will also teach him to
drive a three-wheeled van
whilst pissed out of his
skull!'
Del
And I did, didn't I?
Rodney
Yeah, you made a bloody good
job of it too. Just think
Del, so far I'm your only
success! That says a lot for
the two of us, don't it?
Del
Look Rodney, Rodders, listen,
I'm gonna make a fortune over
there, I'll send you money
and that.
Rodney
You know what you can do with
your money Del.
Del
Rodney, look, I've gotta have
a chance, I mean this
country's going downhill fast,
innit?
Rodney
I know but I think the real
opportunity lies right here
Del. What happens when a
country's in a depression, eh?
Money gets tight, don't it?
People can't afford to pay
the inflated shop prices, so
what do they do? They come to
blokes like us don't they. I
tell you, the more hard up
Britain gets, the richer we'd
become, eh?
Del
This is my big chance Rodney.
Rodney
Fine, well I'll see you
around, sport!
Rodney exits.
Del
Dipstick.
Albert enters.
Del (Cont'd)
I suppose you heard all that?
Albert
There are tugboat crews on
the Thames heard it all. So
what have we come to, eh? A
family feud. You're like
them Ewing brothers, Bobby
and JR.
Del
Yeah, I suppose I am a bit
like that Bobby. I wouldn't
have said Rodney was like
that JR though. AJ Arthur,
but not a JR!
INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Later the same day. Del sits solemnly in the armchair
puffing a castella and pondering the situation.
Albert is in the other chair watching the TVs.
Albert
Rodney's late.
Del
He's probably out getting
smashed somewhere. Families,
families, they're nothing
but problems, ain't they
Albert?
Albert
That's true son. Would you
like my advice Del?
Del
Yeah, why not. Go on, chuck
your penny-worth in.
Albert
You've gotta go son. If you
don't take this chance down
you'll spend the rest of
your life wondering what
might have been. It's a kind
of thing can eat away at you.
I know it'll be tough for
young Rodney, but eventually
he'll learn to stand on his
two feet. In the long run,
this could be the best thing
for the both of you.
Del
Cheers Albert. Thanks very
much, perhaps one day you'll
try explaining it to Rodney.
You're better at it than me.
I'm gonna phone Jumbo, and
tell him what time I'll be
arriving.
Del presses out five digits on the phone. Pauses.
Presses another four digits. Pauses. Presses five
more digits.
Del (Cont'd)
I tell you one thing, phoning
Australia don't 'alf hurt
your finger. Hello Jumbo, Del
Boy, eh? Well with your money
you ought to have a phone in
the khazi! Now listen, a bit
of a problem. Young Rodney
won't be coming over. No,
we've got a few snags this
end see. Me?
Del struggles with himself. Trying not to say the
words.
Del (Cont'd)
Na, I won't be coming over
either. Well it's loyalties
innit? Family ties, all that.
I know what I am. I'm sorry
mate, the whole deal's off.
You know it makes sense.
Anyway, thanks very much for
the offer, it was much
appreciated. Yeah, I'll see
you around pal, cheers.
Albert
Well, I'm glad my advice
helped.
Del
Well, what else could I do,
eh? I suppose it'll be for
the best in the end.
Albert
Are you happy now son?
Del
I dunno, in a way I suppose,
yes. It's like a big
weight's been removed from
my shoulders, I know that.
Albert
Well I suppose that's
something. Well, see you in
the morning son, goodnight.
Albert exits.
Del
Yeah, night Unc.
Del goes to pour himself a large brandy. Rodney
enters.
Rodney
(Sheepish)
Alright?
Del
Oh yeah, brill.
Rodney
I owe you an apology Del. All
them things I said earlier, I
was right out of order, and
you've gotta take that
opportunity.
Del
Na, it's too late bruv. I've
already phoned Jumbo and told
him the whole deal's off.
Rodney
You ain't? Because of what I
said?
Del
Well, yeah, in a way Rodney,
in a way, because you said
'The real opportunity lies
here.' You know the country's
in a bad way, money's tight,
people are looking for
bargains and who do they turn
to first, eh?
Rodney
Blokes like us.
Del
Blokes like us. I was sitting
here, you know, and I thought
Rodney has hit the nail right
on the head there. I thought,
this wonderful land of ours
is on the eve of a golden age
of the black market. And you
and me, you know we're gonna
be in there first. I'm glad I
listened to you Rodney, I
really am, because if I'd
have taken that 'Chance of a
Lifetime' it could have
ruined me.
Rodney
So we're...we're still
partners?
Del
Yes, if you'll have me back?
Rodney
Oh well, let me sleep on it,
eh?
Del
I'll smack you in the nose,
saucy sod.
Rodney
Hey Del, this time next year,
eh.
Del
Yeah, this time next year
Rodney, eh.
Rodney
Well, I'll see you in the
morning.
Del
See you in the morning.
Rodney
And Del, you know...
Del
Yeah, I know bruv, good-
night...
Rodney exits to the bedroom.
Del (Cont'd)
Yeah, this time next year!
Del downs his drink with a vengeance. He crosses to
the door and looks back at the room. He is deeply,
deeply saddened. A tear is in the corner of his eye.
He sings, his voice faltering with emotion and
frustration.
Del (Cont'd)
'Who wants to be a million-
aire?'
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.