Only Fools And Horses

Video Nasty

THE NAG'S HEAD. Mickey Pearce is at the bar with Amanda. Boycie and Trigger are at the table playing poker. Trigger What's the matter with you Boycie? You don't seem you're old self tonight, You ain't cheated once. Boycie No, sorry Trigger, I'm just a bit down, that's all. I mean, you don't know what it's like to have a wife who cannot have children. I've tried to console her. I've said 'Marlene, God didn't mean you to have kids, so shut up about it. 'Doesn't seem to help. Trigger I'd like to be someone's dad. Boycie We're down for another bloody going over at the hospital next week. I mean, embarrassing ain't the word. I'm sure they do half those tests just for a giggle. I mean, she's the one with the problem, why have I gotta go? Trigger I never knew who my dad was. Mike I heard your mum weren't that sure. Trigger You're out of order Mike. She knew who my dad was... roughly. Boycie Now, come off it Trigger. I seen your birth certificate at school! What did your mum put down under father's name? Trigger ...Long time ago weren't it? Boycie What did she put down under father's name? Trigger 'Some Soldiers!' Well maybe that's where I get my military bering from! Boycie (Hands him his glass) Oh yeah? Well go'n do a counter-attack then! Where's Del Boy tonight then? Mike He's gone to the Zoo. Boycie He's gone to the... Mike Don't ask. Amanda Right then, I'm off now Mickey. Mickey (Produces a wad of notes) Yeah, I'll see yer later Amanda. Here doll, treat your- self to a chinky, yeah. Amanda Cor, cheers Mick. I'll give you a bell in the week. Amanda exits. Mike Seems like a nice girl Mickey! Mickey Yeah well! You know how it is Mike, every so often a person fancies a bit of rough! Mike And she picked you? Mickey Oh that's a joke innit? I remember you said something funny a couple of years ago! Rodney enters carrying a large case. Rodney Alright Mick? Mickey Alright Rodney, what you having? Rodney Oh, um, 'alf a lager please, ta. Mickey 'Ere y'are Mike, make that a big pint! Rodney Oi, oi, what have you been up to then? Mickey I'm working for Boycie ain't I! Delivering, picking up. He's in the video game in a big way. Pirates, naughties, all that! And it's cash in hand, no questions, sweet as a nut! (Indicates case) Where you been, out on the knocker? Rodney No, I've just come back from me evening class ain't I? Remember I told you we'd applied for an Arts Council grant? We got it! Mickey Never! Rodney Yeah, straight up! Mr Stevens, right, he's head of our art group, got confirmation this morning. We got ten thousand quid to make a local community film. (Patting the case) And we've got all the equipment, everything - and guess who's in charge of the project? Mickey You're putting me on! Rodney No, straight up, it's me. What I've got to do, you see, I've gotta come up with the idea and then delegate the various responsibilities to all the other students. Mickey Yeah, well put me in won't you? I'm a member of your art class aren't I? Rodney Oh come off it Mickey, you only came one night - and that's only cos I told you we had a nude model. Mickey Yeah, well I thought it would be a bird. Anyway, you've gotta write it Rodney? Rodney Yeah. Mickey Well, you're a natural when it comes to the written word. I'll never forget that thing you wrote some years back. What was it called? Rodney The Indictment. Mickey That's it, The Indictment, yeah. That would have made a terrific book you know. Why didn't you send it to the publisher? Rodney I'll be perfectly honest with you Mickey. I couldn't think of a single publisher who could understand what I was saying. Mickey Yeah, it was a bit strange weren't it? Del and Albert enter. They are covered in little bits of straw and hay. Del Alright Rodders? Trigger Hello Del, what you having? Del What am I having? (Indicating Albert) A bleedin' hard time with this moaner, here. Albert I shouldn't be humping bales of hay around at my time of life. Trigger Bales of hay?? Del You see, Abdul's cousin's girlfriend's brother's mate, right, he's a gamekeeper down at one of these private Zoos! And Monkey Harris's sister's husband's first wife's stepfather, right, he works for an animal food company. So, put the two together and what you got - a nice little earner. Mike (Indicating Albert's beard) Don't wanna worry you but I think you've got something nesting in there, old son. Albert Up yer shirt! (Calls) Oi Rodney! Rodney (To Mickey) Hang on. I'll see you in a minute. Albert While you've been poncing around at yer soppy art class I've had to unload two tons of hay! Rodney Oh, poncing around, is that what you call it? Well, for your information, this evening I was commissioned to make a film! Trigger Leave off Dave, I wouldn't leave you to make a jelly! Boycie I have heard rumours Mickey Mouse wears a Rodney Trotter wristwatch! Rodney It's true. Del I love it, Boycie. Rodney I'm telling you!! I've got all the equipment, and everything! I'm writing it and...and Mickey Pearce is directing! Del You what...Mickey Pearce directing. He couldn't direct a sea gull to the coast him. Rodney He's got experience in films! Del What, that Saturday-morning job at the photographic counter at Boots? Leave it out Rodney. Anyway, you couldn't write a film script. I mean, what was that book that you wrote, what was it called The Indikment, I mean that never got published did it, eh? Rodney No, 'cos you chucked it down the bloody chute! Del Yes that's right, because I didn't want to see you disappointed! It was a bloody stupid story - no murders in it or nothing! Rodney It was an indictment of a failing system weren't it? Alright, it was a first effort so it probably didn't have the same social impact as, say, Cathy Come Home! Del It didn't have the same social impact as Lassie Come Home! Mike This film you're making Rodney - anyone in it we know? Del points to Mickey and a group of girls. Del I tell you what, all them birds are in it for a start, look. Albert That's a shred move on your part Rodney. You're the writer, Mickey's the director. So he gets the cast- ing couch and you get the Biro! THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is seated at the table with a notepad and a pen. Rodney gets sudden inspiration, goes to write, then returns to his original position. Del enters from the hall carrying a large package wrapped in brown paper. Del 'Ey up there, here you are Oscar, mind out, quick - I've got a present for you. There y'are. Rodney What is it? Del Close your eyes. Rodney Oh come on Del! Del Now, come on, close yer eyes! Rodney (Closing his eyes) I bet Tom Stoppard don't have to put up with all this! Del places the package on the table and removes the wrapping to reveal a very old, slightly battered typewriter. Del Alright, come on then open 'em. Well? There you are. Rodney's's a typewriter, innit? Del You see that Albert, he recognised it straight away, that's the author in him! Well, come on Rodney, come on, let's get going boy. You'll soon have that old screenplay knocked out now won't you my son? Go on, there. Rodney It's's old isn't it? Albert They made stuff to last in them days. That is quality Rodney. Look at that crest, by royal appointment. Rodney Oh yeah...Victoria Regina! Del Well go'n. Rodney What? Del Well go on, try it. Rodney hits a key then checks the paper. Rodney It's very faint Del, innit? Del Well you gotta hit it harder than that Rodney - have another go. Rodney (Hitting key harder) It's still faint Del. Del Well, you've gotta give it a good whack haven't ya. Here look. (Giving the key an almighty thump) I'll tell ya - look. There y'are, there y'are, that's a bit better, look. Rodney Yeah that's great, thanks a lot. Del Away you go then. Rodney Away I go what? Del Well, you know, you know, start the old typing. Albert Yeah, be creative. Rodney Be creat... I can't just be creative at the drop of a hat can I? There are certain things a writer needs before he can actually start writing. Like a story! Albert You ain't even got a story?? Rodney Not exactly, I've only been trying for a few days, ain't I! Del Listen, I've had an idea for a story and it's a bleedin' good 'un an' all! D'you wanna hear it? Rodney No...Not really Del. Albert Oh that's charming innit? You buy him a brand-new typewriter and come up with a story for him, and what thanks d'you get? Del I'll tell you what thanks get Albert, no sodding thanks, that's the thanks I get! Rodney Alright, tell us yer story then! Del No, no, don't bother your- self Rodney, please. I was only tryin' to help you! Rodney Oh now, come on, honestly Del, seriously, I'd like to hear your story...Well, I need a bit of help, don't I? Del Right, okay, now this is a Jaws-type story. Rodney Jaws?? Jaws has been done though. Del I know it's been done! But this is different. It's called...There's a Rhino Loose in the City! Rodney stares at Del incredulously. Rodney There's a Rhi...There's a Rhino Loose In...A rhino? As in rhinoceros?? Del That's right. There's a Rhino Loose in the City! Albert What's it about Del? Del Well, it's about this rhi- noceros right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London! And after two or three days they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it! So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman. Before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's yer romantic interest! Rodney A rhinoceros?? Del Yeah! But they don't know it's missing! Rodney But how can you not know Del? If you've got a rhinoceros right and one day it ain't there - well, you tend to know it's missing!! Del Don't be a plonker all yer life Rodney. She ain't got one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses! Albert And how's he escape? Rodney Squeezed through the bars most probably! Del Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney. I'm only trying to help you. Rodney I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it? Del Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death! Rodney And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in cafes, the people sitting on top of buses! It's a rhino Del. Del He only comes out at night! Albert What is it, a vampire rhino? Del No it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit eh? Albert And where does he live during the day? Del In a lock-up garage in a back street! Rodney What, he's leasing it is he? Del He's not leasing it. It's a disused garage in a back street where no one ever goes! The detective does find it, only it's at night! Albert And the rhino's gone out? Del That's right see, so you see the old detective is nowhere near solving the mystery. You see what it is Rodney, it is not only a love story! It's a whodunit! Rodney An whodunit? What do you mean an whodunit? We know who-dun- it! The rhino done it! Del Yes, I know that, we - we the audience know that, but they don't know - the actors do they? Rodney This is something! A rhinoceros has escaped from a zoo! There are 300 dead bodies covered in rhinoceros footprints! There's a lock- up garage two and 'arf foot deep in rhinoceros crap and Charlton Heston suspects the butler!! Del I do admit there are one or two teething snags! But it's got all the essential qualities of a hit hasn't it. I mean, it's got suspense, lots of killings and a bit of humpty dumpty! I mean, look, this is a disaster movie! Rodney Disaster? It's a calamity Del! Albert Why is he killing people? Del Well, what d'you want him to be a social worker? Well, he's a man-eater ain't he? Rodney No, no, rhinoceroses aren't carnivorous! They're vegetarians! Del Alright, so we elbow the lock -up garage and we make him hide in the back of an health food shop! Rodney And he won't head for the city neither. Albert But he's gotta head for the city so that he can kill lots of people! Del Yeah that's right! Rodney No, his natural habitat would be open country. Del Alright, so what are you suggesting? We call the film There's a Rhino Loose Somewhere Out in the Sticks Where No Sod Lives?? Albert You don't call the likes of Charlton Heston in 'cos something's eating carrots! I think it's a good idea Del. Del Thank you very much Albert. Rodney Yeah, well I'll pass! Del Alright, alright, I just wanted to put an idea in your head that was all. I wish it'd been a bleedin' bullet now! Rodney Del, I've only got a small budget, ain't I? Del But that's the beauty of it Rodney. I know where there's a rhinoceros going cheap! CHINESE TAKE-AWAY. Albert and Rodney are standing at the counter. Del is on the pay phone. Del Yeah, alright Chas, I'll knock out that stuff for you tomorrow night. Eh? Um, not sure if we'll be wanting the rhino now. Rodney We won't. Del Alright, listen I'll give you a bell tomorrow Chas. Tata mate. (To Chinese Owner) Oi Tony, come on, where's that grub - we've been waiting 'alf hour. There's something I wanted to catch on the telly, the Epilogue. Owner Yeah it coming, it coming. Wha' you order? Del Look I told you, two chicken and rice and one Spanish omelette. Owner Two chicken rice, one Spanish omerette. Del Can't even speak the lingo can he? (To Rodney) Well, how are you getting on with your story then? Rodney Well I have the kernel of an idea! I'm just waiting for it to develop somewhat. It's what writers call the gestation period. Albert And what do you call it? Del Stop it, stop your winding up you. Albert And where's your director then Rodney? Rodney He's acquainting himself with the video camera and all the equipment. Del Yeah. He's down the Town Hall filming a wedding. Rodney What d'you mean he's down the Town Hall filming a wedding? Del Well, well you see what happened was, I went down the Town Hall and around a few churches taking notes of the banns. Then I contacted a few brides and asked them if they'd like their happiest day recorded on film for 50 quid a throw! Rodney I don't believe you're doing this to me! Del Well look Rodney, that Mickey Pearce has gotta practice with that camera ain't he? He's gotta work out how to focus it and all that. You know, why not earn while yer learn! That's what I say. Anyway, he nicks all the tapes from Boycie, don't he, eh? Rodney But Del, this is an opportunity for me and all you're doing is making money out of it! Del It'll be alright because he's only got five or six weddings to do, two or three christenings and he's finished. Rodney But that camera is council property! Albert Yeah, so is the Town Hall. Del Yeah see, there you go! Rodney You're just abusing the trust shown in me, ain't yer. Del Look, will you shut up you tart! Look, here is your share. Rodney I don't want it. Del Oh well, please yourself. It goes back in the... Rodney Alright, just this once! Del Don't do me no favours Rodney! Will ya, eh? Rodney You've got a nerve... Boycie and Marlene enter. At first they do not notice the Trotters. Marlene Well, that's shut you up for a good while though innit Boycie! Boycie I keep telling you Marlene, them doctors don't know everything! They're a bunch of chancers that's all. (To Owner) Good afternoon, I phoned an order through earlier, Mr Boyce. Owner Oh yes, I go see. Boycie Thank you. Marlene All those bloody tests I've had! Boycie And what about all the bloody tests I've... (Seeing the Trotters) Oh, good afternoon Derek. I didn't realise you and your family were dining out. Del Oh yes, I like to treat 'em once in a while, keep the moral up. (Slapping Marlene's bottom) Hello darling, how are you? Hey, is my little godson in there yet? Marlene No he ain't! And he ain't likely to be with him around! Boycie Marlene! Marlene Marlene bloody nuffing! All these years you've said it was my fault we couldn't have kids! They've just discovered there's nothing wrong with me - it's him. Boycie Ain't it bleedin' fair eh?? Del What's the matter then Boycie? You ain't a noofter are you? Boycie See that you've started now Marlene? Even the doctors ain't allowed to discuss this outside the confines of the laboratory. And you're holding a public debate in a Chinese take-away. Marlene He's got what the doctors call a low count. Rodney Don't want to buy a calculator do you Boyce? Albert What's it mean? Boycie Nothing! Marlene It means he's been firing more blanks than the Territorials! Boycie You happy now Marlene? The owner exits from the kitchen with a plastic bag. Owner My Boyce, prawn balls? Boycie Yes thank... Boycie looks around at everyone, daring them to smirk. Boycie (Cont'd) Yes, thank you very much. Marlene It's our anniversary next Friday. 20 years, Gawd, that's something to celebrate innit? Anyway, we've hired the pub and you're all invited. Del Oh lovely, we'll be there sweetheart. Boycie Well, come along then Marlene. Marlene Yeah alright, oh Rodney is that right you're making a film? Rodney Yeah. Marlene You know I used to act a bit when I was younger. Actually someone once said that I had a promising career in films. Boycie Yeah, then talkies come along and ruined it! Let's go Marlene! Del Tara Marlene. Bye bye Boycie. Boycie and Marlene exit. Del (Cont'd) What about that then? Old Boycie's a Jaffa. Rodney A Jaffa? Del Yeah, you know, seedless! Rodney I could use Boycie's problem as a theme for my film couldn't I. Because that hospital they attend, that's one of the leading centres for genetic research, artificial insemination and all that. That's quite interesting? Del Oh yeah, on the edge of yer seat stuff that - yeah. Have you thought any more about the rhino story? Rodney Del, I am not doing a film about a blood-sucking rhinoceros and a divvy detective! No, that hospital interests me though. Albert I don't reckon they should be allowed to do it - freezing things and all that. They're messing around with nature. Rodney No, they're not messing around with nature are they? They're assisting nature! See, 'cos they only freeze the ova, or eggs, right, until they are ready to be fertilised, right, and then thy get the egg and well they sort of mix...There's this geezer... Albert Oi, oi, I've ordered an omelette 'ere. Del Yeah, yeah. Do you know what I reckon, in a few years tie, young married couples wanting to start a family, they won't go to the doctors, they'll nip down the road to Bejams! THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is at the typewriter. He has a large pile of fresh writing paper and a tiny pile of finished pages. He starts whacking at the keys. Del enters from the bedroom area. Del Everything alright Rodney? Rodney No, the T and the A are miss- ing. Del Well it's no problem is it? Rodney Well it is if you wanna write words like 'at'! Del You'll find a way round it, I've got faith in you, I really have. Anyway, how are you coming on? Can I have a read, or something? Rodney No you can't! It's not finished yet! Del Oh alright. What's this, just a minute. (Indicating page) What's this red mark up here, is that something technical is it? Rodney No, one of my fingers started bleeding! Del Never mind, you'll be alright. Hey! I tell you what, your movie ain't 'alf caused a stir round here! You'd be surprised how many actors and actresses live locally. I don't mean - you know, like professionals, I mean a lot of new, fresh, untapped talent! Well, I made a list for yer, there you are. Del hands Rodney the list. Rodney studies it, turns to the second page: Rodney You're not suggesting I use all these people in my film? Del Just extras Rodney, just extras. Don't mind the quantity think about the quality! Rodney I'm thinking about the money Del! Del I did say, well a tenner a day. Rodney I can't afford to pay 'em a tenner a day! Del No, they pay us a tenner a day. Rodney You're just exploiting people again ain't yer? Del No I am not Rodney. I've given 'em your word now. Rodney Well you had no right to! Del Alright here’s your share. There you go, look. Del lays the money on the table. Rodney And they're just extras? Del That's all - just extras. By the way, there's a list here of local businesses you might like to mention. Del hands Rodney another list. Rodney (Reading list) The Seventh Heaven Sauna Parlour?? Del Yeah, just a mention, some- thing like 'The nice relaxing atmospheric, nice and friendly service.' You know what I mean? Oh, is the undertaker's down there? Rodney No. Del Oh well bear it in mind, will yer? Rodney Del, why are you doing this to me? I had high hopes when I started this project! Mr Stevens said if it was good enough he'd show it at the National Film Theatre. Del What's the matter with you, you're earning ain't yer? Look, listen I've gotta shoot, I've got another client to meet. It might mean another booking... 'Ere, talking about that... what is a 'natural birth'? Never mind - I'll find out myself. Oi Albert, Albert, d'you wanna lift? Albert Yeah, I'll be with you in a minute son. Del Well come on, come on shift yourself I ain't got all night you know. See you later. Del exits to the hall. As he opens the front door, Mickey arrives with the camera on his shoulder. Mickey Smile, you're on Candid Camera. Del Alright, listen, I might have another booking for you later on. I'll bell you, alright. Del exits. Mickey Smart. He enters the lounge. Mickey (Cont'd) Alright Rodney? Rodney No it's not alright! This is getting out of hand! (Handing Mickey the cast list) Look! Mickey What is it, a petition? Rodney No, that's our cast list! (Handing him another list) And this is a list of all the shops and businesses we've gotta advertise. Mickey (Reading) He forgot the undertakers! Rodney You mean you knew about it? Mickey Well it's good business Rodney! Albert Right, I'm off out now Rodney. The doorbell rings. Albert (Cont'd) I'll get it. Rodney Look it's gotta stop Mickey! Amanda enters, heavily made-up. Rodney (Cont'd) We're promoting shops and businesses, ain't we? We've got more extras than Ben Hur there. Mickey Watcha babe. This is Amanda. Rodney It's a what? Mickey Amanda. I'm taking her out for a drink tonight so I asked her round here so you could make her a nice cup of coffee. Alright Rodney. Rodney Yeah, okay. Rodney exits to kitchen. Amanda removes her coat to reveal a very short nurses uniform, black stockings and suspenders. Rodney appears at the kitchen door. Rodney (Cont'd) D'you take sugar? Amanda Two please. Rodney exits. Two seconds later he enters the room. Rodney Mickey, could I have a moment of your time please. Mickey What's up? Rodney Why is she wearing a nurse's uniform? Mickey She's just come off duty! Rodney Oh yeah. You must think I've just come off a banana boat! What are yer playing at?? Mickey Look, I've been delivering these films for Boycie ain't I, so I know where I can sell 'em. We've got all this equipment, why waste it? We can cut the middle-man out! Rodney I'd like to cut your liver out. You are not making any films in this flat. Understand? Both of you?? Mickey Alright Rodney, no need to get out yer pram about it. Rodney Sit down. I'll make you a coffee then you can both hit the road. Rodney exits. KITCHEN. Rodney What's happening? What the bloody hell's happening? I've got a cast of thousands, I've got more advertising than Pearl and Dean and now Mickey wants to make Emmanuelle in Peckham. Oh, this is a bloody nightmare...Now Rodney, Rodney...Calm down...Deep breaths...Nice 'n' easy does it... Mickey (OOV) Night Nurse Take One. Rodney Night Nurse Take One?? LOUNGE. Mickey is filming. Amanda's hand drops the bra. Mickey That's the way baby. Let it slip to the ground. Rodney Mickey...You better not be doing... (Sees Amanda) Oh no Mickey. No, get her to put 'em back! Oh bloody hell! THE NAG'S HEAD. Mickey is still in filming. Mickey Right, hold 'em up. That's it. Move 'em about a bit. Del, Rodney, Albert, Boycie, Marlene, Trigger, Mike, the vicar and other guests are holding their glasses up in a toast. Marlene Oh hurry up Mickey love. Boycie, he don't like smiling for too long. Mickey Okay everybody, that's a wrap. Boycie I wasn't ready for that one. Del Happy anniversary. Albert Happy anniversary dear. Mickey Oi, vicar get a move on. We've got that christening to do in 20 minutes. Vicar Yes, I'll be with you in a moment Mickey. Mickey Alright, I'll wait for you down the church then. Alright Rodney? Rodney Shut up! Mickey Please yerself! Mickey exits. Del Here we go Rodney, my son, that's your share, alright? Rodney I don't like this Del, you know I don't like this. Ta. Mike Here Del, we're slipping out to the back room. (Winks) Alright? Del Right, good Mike, yeah. Mike Hi Rodney. Rodney Alright Mike. Mike (Bogart impression) Of all the bars in all the world and you had to walk into mine. Rodney You in my film as well Mike are yer? Mike Yeah, just a little cameo role son. I'll see you in a minute. Del Come on Rodney. Come on Albert. Rodney Alright. Vicar Well it seems to be going rather well. Rodney Oh yeah, it's very nice innit vicar? Vicar I married the happy couple all those years ago. Of course, I had hoped by now that the Good Lord would have blessed their union with an offspring or two. But if it's not to be... Rodney Well I heard that because of the precarious state of the world, Boycie and Marlene had decided against starting a family. Vicar Oh really? I heard that Boycie was a Jaffa. Tell me, is it true that you're making a film Rodney? Rodney Oh yeah. We got an Arts Council grant. Vicar I er...I was talking with Derek earlier... Rodney I'll give you a bell when we start shooting vicar. Vicar Thank you my boy. BACK ROOM OF THE PUB. Trigger draws the curtains. Boycie puts a video tape in the recorder. Rodney enters. Del Alright - everyone got a drink have they? Rodney Even the vicar's in on it Del. Del What you want to drink? Rodney Give us a beer. Del Here. Go on then my son. Trigger Watcha Dave. Rodney Alright Trigger. Trigger You dirty rat! Rodney Oh, this is getting bloody stupid. Boycie Alright gentlemen, would you like to settle down. If you'd like to take your seats. Del Come on, here we go. Boycie The Boycie Video and Leisure Arts Company is proud to present the British Premiere of Night Nurse from the novel by Enid Blyton. Mike Ooh, that was a bit unex- pected innit? Del Here look at that one. I've got no sympathy for her, look. Mike No, no, Del that's gotta be special effects. Del No that's real. No stop - it's starting proper now. The picture shows a flat. Boycie Where do they get these grotty flats to film in? Mike 'Ere I've seen that bird before somewhere. On screen Amanda is lying on the Trotter's couch. She wakes, stands and stretches. She begins unbuttoning her blouse. Rodney stands and heads for the door. Del Go on girl, let's have a look. 'Oh dear, I am tired I've just come back from nursing.' Boycie One of those would do me a week. Del Hello, who's got her ear muffs off now... On the screen Rodney appears at the kitchen door as Amanda removes her bra. Del (Screams) Rodney! THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is pinned against a wall by Del. Rodney It was nothing to do with me Del. It was a Mickey Pearce production! Del Mickey Pearce. You wait till I get my hands on him. I'm ' gonna shove that camera 'alf a mile up his nostril! Rodney, didn't you have any idea what you were getting yourself into? Rodney I thought Boycie wouldn't be too pleased you know, some- one muscling in on his business and that. Del God. Boycie. Boycie's not the one that worries me. It's his partners that are giving me grief. D'you know who's backing him in this, only the Driscoll Brothers that's all. Have you heard of 'em? Rodney No. Del No. Well let's hope they haven't heard of you. Now I'm gonna see if I can save your knees and make sure they stay in the same place. (Produces the tape) Now I'm stuffing this down the khazi, you stay there. Rodney Del, I promise nothing like this will ever happen again - I promise. Del exits, Mickey enters. Mickey Hello Rodney? Alright for a cup of coffee?? Rodney Oh yes, do come in Mickey. Mickey I brought a few friends with me. Amanda, another girl and a big bloke enter. Rodney Oh yes. Del enters. Del Pearcie! I want a ruddy word with you. You wait. They run out, Del chases. The telephone rings. Rodney answers it. Rodney Hello? Oh Mr Stevens, hi! Yeah, yeah and have you had a chance to read it? Great. Well what do you think? And please be truthfully blunt with me. Okay, yes, ah ha! Yes well that's truthfully blunt innit Mr Stevens. Yes, there are a lot of characters in it, yes, but all vital to the theme I thought. Yes, well, I actually wanted to write a film that not only dealt with the contemporary issues but also challenged some of the more widely held beliefs of modern youth! No, that is no problem because my brother knows where he can get us a rhino, yeah!

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