NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD.
It is talent night. On the small podium that acts as a
stage there is a pianist, a drummer and a bad singer.
Albert is at the bar in a maudlin mood. Trigger is at
the bar when Del and Rodney enter.
Del
Oh, excuse me mate, oi give
us...oh, Gawd blimey Michael,
give us...
Mike
Two pints.
Trigger
Alright Dave?
Rodney
(No longer
reacts)
Oh yeah, hello Trigger. Looks
like rain don't it?
Trigger
Yeah, tastes like it.
Mike
Oi, I heard that Trigger!
I'll have you know my beer
has just won second prize in
the breweries contest!
Del
Yes that's right, he was
narrowly beaten by the
Metropolitan Water Board!
They all laugh except Trigger.
Del (Cont'd)
Do you hear that? He was
narrowly beaten by the
Metropolitan Water Board!
You see Trigger, they
sell water you know and
Mike, he sells...
(He gives up)
Yes, what do you want?
What is it Albert?
Albert
Now brace yourselves boys,
I just had a bit of bad
news. Your Aunt Ada's been
rushed into hospital,
she's in a bad way by all
accounts.
Rodney
Oh no, that's a shame
innit?
Del
That's a choker.
Trigger
Who's Aunt Ada?
Del
Gawd knows; I don't.
Albert
She's me wife.
Del
Oh that Aunt Ada? But you
ain't seen her for ages.
Rodney
Yeah, she said to the rest
of the family that if she
saw you again she'd kill
you.
Del
Yeah.
Albert
She was annoyed when she
said that. You see it's
like a chapter of my life
is coming to a close.
Del
Yeah, I know just how she
feels though, eh?
Albert
Well that's it you see
son, I don't know. I'd
like to go and visit her
and find out.
Rodney
Well why don't ya?
Albert
'Cos she might not be as
ill as they say.
Albert moves off.
Trigger
He's really in the dumps
ain't he?
Del
Yeah, I know. Still what can
you do? Sorry darling! I'll
tell you what we can do,
why don't we take him down
the chinky, that should
cheer him up, eh Rodders?
Do you want to come with us
Trigger?
Trigger
No, I ain't sure Del. My
niece'll be here in a minute.
She's come up from the
country for a few days. You
remember little Lisa don't
you?
Del
Lisa, oh your sister's kid?
Yeah, I remember her.
Trigger
I'd better see what she
fancies doing. Listen, I'm
gonna have a chat with
Albert, jolly him up a bit.
Trigger moves along the bar.
Del
Jolly him up. Thanks
Trigger, you're a pal.
Rodney
I remember Lisa - scruffy
little mare weren't she.
She had more candlesticks
than Liberace.
Del
Yeah, that's her. I
remember her mum though,
she was a fair sort - pig-
ugly, but a fair sort. I
nicknamed her Miss 999 you
know 'cos I only phoned
her in an emergency. See
if we can do a bit of
business here, Michael...
Mike, just a moment -
Mike...Could I...Michael...
(To Singer)
Oi, shut up will yer, I
can't hear myself think
over here.
Rodney
Del, it's a talent contest!
Del
Well she ought to be dis-
qualified.
Rodney
That's the favourite!
Mike
Oi, what's all the hollering
about?
Del
Well, I dunno, I just told
her to shut up.
(Showing brochure)
'Ere, listen Michael, now
listen, I've got a beautiful
ultraviolet sunbed back at
the flat. Now they retail
normally at three hundred
and seventy five quid, it's
yours for a hundred and
twenty. Just think of it
eh, your own personal home
solarium?
Mike
I don't want it.
Del
I can see that you're in
two minds so I'll tell you
what I'll do. I have here
a super delux modern plug-
in telephone and I'm gonna
give it to you free with
your home-solarium. I
can't say fairer than
that, because this is my
last one.
Mike
I don't want it.
Del
I'll chuck an extension in.
Mike
I - don't - want - it.
Del
Yes or no?
Mike
Do me a favour Del...please.
Del
I'm doing you a favour...
(To Rodney)
And I nearly had him then.
Rodney
Yeah, I could see he was weak-
ening. Is it worth stopping
here for another one?
Del
No it ain't. Come on Rodney -
let's get going. That bird
over there's giving me the
right hump. Oi, shut up.
Rodney
Derek.
Lisa enters.
Trigger
Del. Lisa's here.
Del
Not now Trigger, we ain't
got time. Say hello to her
for us. Come on Rodders -
let's get going.
Lisa
(Calling across
from bar)
Hello Del.
Del
Hello darling...Bloody
hell!
Rodney is in a state of shock.
Rodney
That ain't that scruffy
little thing with the funny
drawers is it?
Del
I think so. Yeah, must be,
yeah.
Rodney
Bloody 'ell...Are you off
then, are yer?
Del
Eh? No, no, no, I think I'll
stay for another one. Are you
gonna go down the chinky with
Uncle Albert then?
Rodney
No, I don't fancy it - all
that batter and that.
Del
Na.
Rodney
Na.
Del tries to push past Rodney to get a head start.
Del
Well, out of my way, come on,
get out of me way.
Rodney
(Elbows him back)
You piss off.
Del
(To Rodney)
Look, there's a pound down
there, look there.
Rodney
(Stops)
Where?
Del
Hello darling.
Lisa
Hello, Del. Oh it's been such
a long time.
Del
Yeah innit? Haven't you got
big, eh? No, I mean you've
grown up.
Lisa
Well I'm 25 now.
Del
You're not! 25 now...
Rodney
Hello Lisa, do you remember
me?
Lisa
Hello. How are you?
Rodney
Oh fine, I'm really good.
Lisa
Oh that's nice.
(Quietly to Del)
Who is he?
Del
Eh? Who him? That's little
Rodney. Don't you remember
little Rodney. You used to
play with him.
Lisa
Oh, of course. You've changed.
Rodney
Yes, so have you.
Del
I'll say she has changed.
Cor you are a big girl...
Rodney
Why don't we go and sit down
over here, and have a little
chat.
(Starts moving to
table)
I'll see you later on Del.
Del
No, no. I'll come with you.
I'll come with you.
Rodney
Here you are, sit here Lisa.
Do you remember the old days?
Lisa
Oh it's lovely seeing you two
again.
(To Del)
You know I always remember
that day - ooh it was years
and years ago - you drove
round to me Nan's house in a
brand-new-three-wheeled van.
(To Rodney)
I remember him saying to
Uncle Trigger, this time next
year it'll be a Mercedes. I
was so impressed...Did you
ever get the Mercedes?
Del
Na, na, I went off 'em...I
got a nice little two-seater
now!
Rodney
Yeah, two seats, three
wheels! It's the same van
innit?
Del
That's right, I let Rodney
borrow it sometimes when he's
behaved himself, 'cos he
can't afford a car of his own!
I mean, what kid can of his
age, eh? So you're living
down in the country then, eh?
Lisa
Just outside Winchester. You
still livin' in the same
place?
Del
Yeah, yeah. we're still
there. Listen, you know
before you go home you ought
to come round to the flat.
We can have a chat about
old times, you know. You
can stay for tea.
Lisa
Oh thanks, I'd love to.
Rodney
I was gonna invite you to
tea an' all. How about
tomorrow night?
Lisa
Fine.
Del
Yes tomorrow's fine with me
sweetheart.
Rodney
No, I invited Lisa for
tomorrow night.
Del
Yes, I know Rodney, but don't
forget I did invite Lisa
first.
Rodney
Derek, you clearly heard me
invite Lisa for tea tomorrow
night.
Del
But I invited her first.
Lisa
Look, why don't we have tea
together? Then the three of us
can talk about the old times.
Del
(Reluctantly)
Yeah...Alright then.
Rodney
(Equally reluctant)
Fine.
Lisa
Oh good.
Rodney
Yeah, great.
Albert is on the stage at the piano.
Lisa
Isn't that your Uncle?
Del
What's that soppy old duffer
up to?
Albert
I'd like to sing a very special
song for a very special lady
who unfortunately ain't with me
tonight. I'd like to think this
song was named after my dear,
sick wife. It is that beautiful
old ballad, Ada.
Del
Ada??
Lisa
Is there a song called Ada?
Rodney
Well there must be, he's
about to sing it.
Albert
'Ada, you with the stars in
your eyes, Love never made a
fool of you...'
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Albert is lying beneath a sun-bed canopy wearing
protective glasses, a white vest, baggy old navy shorts
and plimsoles. Rodney enters from the kitchen.
Rodney
Hurry up will you, I want
'alf an hour under there.
Albert
'Ere, these ultraviolet rays
contain vitamin E don't they?
I read somewhere that vitamin
Es are good for an 'angover.
Rodney
Yeah, well you made a right
berk of yourself at the
talent contest didn't yer?
Getting up on stage and
singing that stupid song.
Albert
What are you on about, I
won!
Rodney
You won??
Del enters with a bag of groceries.
Del
Who did?
Rodney
Roy Orbison here!
Del
Must have been a sympathy
vote! Anyway, I've got all
the grub in for me and
Lisa's tea tonight.
Rodney
Yes, well I made a contri-
bution too.
Del
Oh, have ya? Well I got
chicken Italienne and fruit
salad and Dream Topping to
follow and what've you
bought?
Rodney
Cheese.
Del
Cheese! Cheese? Well, it's a
good job I bought all this
grub then innit, eh? If it
was left up to you the poor
little cow'd have been down
for Welsh rabbit.
Albert gets up.
Rodney
Well, if you put your hand
in your pocket every so
often and give me some
proper money.
Del
Listen, I earn the money in
this family.
Albert
Why don't you two pack it
in?
Rodney
(Referring to
Albert)
God, you look like a geri-
atric ball-boy.
Albert
You two were niggling each
other last night and you've
been bickering all morning,
I'm fed up with yer. I'm
going down the Legion.
Del
(Referring to
Albert's legs)
Well, just make sure that
you put on a pair of
trousers first. There's a
lot of stray dogs on this
estate! Anyway, I better
make sure we've got
enough Smash in for
Lisa's tea.
Rodney
Right, I'm gonna have a
quick tone-up, a nice
shower and I am sorted!
Oi, how'd you turn this
thing on for 'alf an
hour?
Albert
On the end there.
Rodney
Right, got it.
Rodney lays out beneath the canopy.
Rodney (Cont'd)
Oh, this is lovely!
Albert
Listen to me Rodney. I told
you once, you remember, that
Grandad and I didn't speak
to each other for years?
Rodney
Mmmmh.
Albert
Well that was all over a
woman! It was yer Aunt Ada!
Rodney
(Sleepily)
You're not gonna sing again
are you?
Albert
I remember me and yer Grandad,
we were just like you and Del
Boy. We weren't just brothers,
we was mates, went everywhere
together, got up to some
right capers. Then one night
we met Ada at the local
palais. She was a beautiful
woman - a bit like Ginger
Rodgers. Last time I saw her
she looked more like Fred
Astaire! Well, we both had a
couple of dances with her,
then we both wanted to take
her home. We ended up
fighting in the street over
her. He never spoke to me
from that day to...He never
spoke to me ever again. I'm
frightened history's about
to repeat itself. I don't
wanna see that happen to you
and Del. Rodney!
(Rodney is asleep)
Bloody kids! Oi, Rodney!
Del
Oi, Rodney! I'm gonna whip
down the shops for another
packet of Smash and some
Brut so I want you to...Rodn
...Ah, he's gone to sleep
bless him! So you wanna get
a nice tan for the girl
then do you? I'll give you
a nice tan alright.
Del switches the timer on to full then exits.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
The meal is finished. Del and Lisa are alone at the
table. Del fills her wine glass.
Lisa
Oh, not too much I got to be
up early in the morning.
Del
Just a little topperooni -
there we go.
(Calling to
kitchen)
Come on Rodney. Oi, come on,
bring your cheese.
Lisa
I really think Rodney should
go to hospital with his face.
Del
Yeah, I know, I've been
telling him that for years!
Rodney enters from the kitchen carrying a cheeseboard.
He is wearing a beige suit, open at the neck. His
face is lobster red. Del makes a Red Indian gesture.
Del
How!
Lisa
Does your face hurt?
Rodney
Only when I smile.
Del
Listen Rodney, I wouldn't
stand about in that suit too
long if I were you, not
with your head!
Lisa
Why not?
Del
Well, he looks like a Swan
Vesta! You've only got your-
self to blame, haven't yer?
Rodney
How's your mum these days
Lisa?
Lisa
Oh, she's fine thank you.
Rodney
Did you know that years and
years ago, Del used to take
your mum out?
Lisa
Oh, I didn't know that.
Del
Yeah, yeah, we were just
little tiny kids then.
Rodney
What was it you nicknamed
her, Del?
Del
Em... It was the Rose of
Peckham.
Lisa
My Mum??? I can't wait to
tell her.
Rodney
Well, that's funny because he
told me in the pub...
Del
(Changing subject)
I know there was something I
wanted to ask you. D'you like
going to the flicks?
Lisa
Oh the cinema, oh yeah. Have
you seen An Officer and a
Gentleman?
Del and Rodney
Oh yeah, yeah.
Lisa
Oh that Richard Gere, isn't
he fabulous?
Rodney
Yeah, he's alright.
Del
I like what he wears.
Lisa
Oh when he was wearing his
uniform. Oh God, I went all
goose-pimpley. You know
there definitely is some-
thing about a man in a
uniform.
Del
Well you take after your
mum there, she used to go
out with this geezer from
the Gas Board!
Rodney
I used to be in the army!
Well, cadets!
Del
I used to be a paratrooper!
Lisa
Really?
Del
Didn't I Rodney??
Rodney
Well you've made a few drops
in your time Del.
Lisa
I don't know how you could
do it. I've got these
friends back home who belong
to a hang-gliding club.
Del
Oh, yeah hang-gliding, well
I love all that.
Lisa
They're always asking me to
try but just the thought of
it terrifies me.
Del
There's nothing to it. No,
I used to free-fall from
20,000 foot.
Lisa
No.
Del
Yeah, I didn't used to
open my chute 'til I saw
the tops of the trees.
Lisa
Oh God.
Del
At night.
Rodney
You also had your feet tied
together and a hand over one
eye, didn't you!!
Del
One night my chute didn't
open at all!
Lisa
What happened?
Del
Eh? Oh, er, I had a bad
landing! But fortunately
they teach you to fall
properly! It was alright.
Lisa
You know it's funny but
I've always imagined
paratroopers to be...Well,
taller!
Rodney
Yeah well, he used to be
six foot one but, like
he said, he had a bad
landing!
Del
Thank you, thank you very
much Rodney for your
observations. Now, get
out in the kitchen and
put the kettle on will
yer?
Lisa
Oh no, no. I've got to
be going.
Del
No, no, no.
Rodney
Listen, I'll walk you home,
eh?
Del
No, no, no Rodney, you can't
do that. You can't stand
around street corners with
your face, the traffic'll be
waiting for you to change
to green! No listen, I'll
give you a lift home.
Lisa
Oh that's nice of you Del.
Del
L'etat c'est moi! As the
French would say. What else
could I do for a charming
lady?
Lisa
Why thank you kind sir!
Del
Not at all. I'll just go
and get the keys shall I?
I'm going.
Del exits to bedroom.
Rodney
Well, it's been really nice
seeing you again after all
this time.
Lisa
Oh I've enjoyed it so much.
You know - shopping and
meeting old friends.
Rodney
Yeah, what time you off
tomorrow?
Lisa
I get the 10 o'clock train
from Waterloo. I've got to
be home by 12 noon, I'm
meeting those friends I
was telling you about.
Rodney
What, the hang-gliders?
Lisa
Mmmmmh. I'll just get me
jacket.
She goes to the hall to get her coat. Rodney's brain
is working overtime. He follows her into the hall.
Rodney
Yeah, why don't me and Del
drive you home tomorrow?
Lisa
I couldn't ask you to do
that!
Rodney
No, no, we'd like it. We'd
have a nice day in the
country! Del'll jump at
the chance. And I was
thinking, it's Del's 46th
birthday soon and I'd
love to give him a real
surprise. D'you know what
his ambition is?
Lisa
What?
Rodney
To hang-glide! Well, you
know, being the old ex-
paratrooper it's natural
innit? So d'you reckon your
mates could arrange for
him to have a little
flight?
Lisa
No problem, they'd be de-
lighted.
Rodney
Oh that'll be great! I can't
wait to see his little face.
It'll be our little secret
though, eh?
Lisa
Sure, oh me bag.
Lisa goes back into the lounge.
Rodney
Yes, I can't wait to see
his little face.
VAST OPEN COUNTRYSIDE.
Del
What???
Del looks up skywards. In the background there are hang-
gliders in action.
Del (Cont'd)
You want me to go up on one
of them wing fings?
(Trying to shrug
it off)
No, no, no, not today darling,
you see I'm not in the mood.
Lisa
You can't wait to get up there
can you? I can see it in your
eyes!
Del
Really?
Lisa
(Calls)
Andy, come over here and meet
some friends of mine.
Del looks to Rodney in desperation but Rodney just grins.
Lisa (Cont'd)
I'd like you to meet Del
and Rodney.
Andy
Oh, nice to meet you.
Del
Watcha son.
Rodney
Hi.
Andy
Hi!
(Noticing Rodney's
face)
Are you okay?
Rodney
I'm fine.
Andy
Sorry, it's just that you
look sort of flushed.
Del
No, no, it's alright. It's
just his great-grandad was
a Comanche.
Andy
Well, Lisa tells me you used
to be a paratrooper.
Del
Eh? Oh yeah, well it's many,
many years ago now like,
you know what I mean?
Andy
Well, I've done a bit of
free-falling myself, nothing
in your calibre of course,
but it was great fun.
Del
Yeah, triffic!
Andy
(Indicates a glider)
Well, whenever you're ready
Del.
Del
Em...No, no, no, it's
alright, I don't wanna spoil
your fun Andy, I'll stay
here and just watch, eh.
Lisa
Listen to me Derek Trotter.
I've arranged all this
specially for you! It's my
way of saying thank you for
that lovely meal last night.
I wish you could have seen
it Andy.
Rodney
(Quietly to himself)
Hang around and you might!
Lisa
Andy doesn't mind you borrow-
ing his equipment, do you?
Andy
No, no, it's a pleasure. And
we've got some great
thermals today.
Del
Thermals? Oh what a shame,
I'm just wearing me
ordinary Y-fronts.
Andy
No, no, thermals, you know
- warm air.
Lisa
He's just having you on!
Andy
Oh I see! We'll get every-
thing ready then.
Andy and Lisa move away.
Del
Yeah, okay. What am I gonna
do?
Rodney
I don't know! Dear oh dear
oh dear oh dear, hat a
pickle! I mean really,
it's a bit of a shame you
ever said you were a
paratrooper.
Del
I wish I'd kept my bloody
mouth shut. What's that
Andy want to go sticking
his 'ooter into my affairs
for eh, eh?
Rodney
Well he thinks he's doing
you a favour, don't he?
Del
I'm gonna land him a
doughboy right round the
lug 'ole before he's much
older! What am I gonna do
Rodney? I can't tell 'em
I'm scared can I, eh, eh?
Rodney
No, no, you'd make your-
self look a right dipstick
in front of everyone. You
don't fancy having a little
fly then?
Del
No I do not. I want to keep
my feet firmly on the old
terra-cotta! I'll tell 'em
I'm not feeling very well!
Rodney
Eh, you can't do that! A
Green Beret with an
'eadache! This is one
little problem you're
gonna have to work out on
your own Del, innit?
Del
See Rodney, listen to me.
I know we haven't been
seeing eye to eye for the
last few days, but listen
to me, we are brothers
after all, ain't we? I
mean it's blood! It's
like Uncle Albert said, he
said brothers shouldn't
fall out over a woman.
Didn't he, eh, what
d'you reckon? Eh Rodney,
eh?
Rodney
You're right Del! No,
you're right. I mean it's
stupid arguing, innit?
Del
Of course it is, you know
it makes sense. Come on,
help me out of this mess
Rodney, please. Come on,
any ideas? Eh?
Rodney
Alright, alright we'll just
have a look at the problem,
right. On the one hand
right, you don't want to
fly!
Del
No.
Rodney
No, no, that's alright. But
on the other hand you want
to keep your pride intact?
Del
Of course I do.
Rodney
Right, right, I've got it.
You pretend to be dead keen
to get up in them old
clouds right! You put on
all the gear, put yourself
in the glider thing, then
at the last minute I come
over from the van, rushing
up and say we've had an
urgent call come through
on our car-phone.
Del
Yeah! That's brill innit
eh? But we ain't got a car
phone, have we Dopey? We
ain't even got a ruddy
car, look.
Rodney produces a phone handset.
Rodney
Who's gonna know any
different? And then I say
you've gotta rush back to
London immediately,
right, and you act all
disappointed, you go 'Oh
no, but what can you do?'
Then we're in the van and
we're away!
Del
Oh yeah, good boy. Well
done Rodders, well done.
Listen, you are gonna stay
here though aren't yer?
Rodney
I'll be right here, mate.
Del
Good boy, good boy.
(Calls)
Hey Andy, come on then,
hurry up, I'm getting a
bit impatient to be off
ain't I?
(To Rodney)
He don't know does he?
Del is wearing a crash helmet and has the glider
strapped to him. He is still wearing his camel coat.
Lisa
Everything alright?
Del
Oh yeah, beautiful darling,
beautiful.
Andy
Now do you remember everything
I told you about controlling
the glider?
Del
Yeah, don't worry Andy, it's
all up there. Down there for
dancing. What d'you reckon,
all the thermal and all that
- alright up there Andy?
Andy
No, no, it's one of the best
days of the year. Well,
whenever you're ready Del.
Del
Ah right, cushty.
(Nods in Rodney's
direction)
Cushty.
Andy
You're switched on...Yeah,
it's all working, yeah.
Del
(Cups his ear)
Oh! Is that our phone I can
hear ringing Rodney?
Rodney
Eh?
Del
I said is that our phone I
can hear ringing?
Rodney
No!
Del
Are you sure?
Rodney
Yeah. We ain't got a car-
phone!
Rodney grins a victorious 'Got you bastard' grin.
Rodney (Cont'd)
Get up as high as you can
Del. You might get a tan.
Del realises that this was Rodney's plan.
Del
I will get you for this
Rodney, you see if I don't.
Andy
Are you going Del?
Del
Eh? Yeah. Yeah I'm going...
Oh my good Gawd! Oh bloody
'ell!
Del closes his eyes and uns forward with a great
'Geronimo' shout. He flys off the hill.
Rodney
(Horrified)
Oh!
Del is in the air, his eyes are squeezed closed.
Del
They do this for fun! Oh Gawd,
please let me get down safely.
Lisa
What's he doing????
Andy
Well, where's he going??? I
told him to stay close to
the ridge.
Rodney
Why, what's over there?
Lisa
He's heading out to sea.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is studying a globe of the world. He is a
worried man. Albert, disgusted with him, puts a
brandy on the table.
Albert
Get that down you! He's been
missing for 12 hours! 12
hours, that's nearly 'alf a
day!
Rodney
I know, I've got a GCE in
Maths, haven't I.
There's a ring at the front door.
Albert
Shall I answer it son?
Rodney
Yes please.
Albert exits to the hall. Albert and Trigger enter.
Trigger
Watcha Dave.
Rodney
Watcha Trigger.
Trigger
You alright?
Rodney
Yeah, I'm fine, this is
nothing! Have they found him?
Trigger
Yeah... They found him Dave!
Rodney
Eh. Where?
Trigger
He crashed into a television
transmitter in Redhill. They
rushed him to the local
hospital. X-rays and that.
They tried to phone his next
of kin - but they couldn't
get through, so they phoned
the pub. Me and Mike got a
cab out there.
Albert
We'll see you for the fare
son.
Trigger
Na, that's alright. We got a
Green Line back.
Rodney
But what happened? Has he
broken anything?
Trigger
Well they reckon the aerial's
beyond repair.
Rodney
No Trigger! I mean Del -
how's Del??
Trigger
You'd better ask him your-
self Dave.
Del, in a wheelchair pushed by Mike, enters. His face
is bruised and speckled with bits of plaster. His
coat is ripped and stained. He is a wretched, pathetic
sight.
Del
See you got home safely then
Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah. Are you alright Del?
Del
Is he winding me up or what?
Mike
No, no, he's just a bit
concerned that's all Del.
'Ere, are you alright?
Rodney
I'm fine!!
Albert
So what did the hospital
say son?
Del
They said...
Del lowers his head, as do Mike and Trigger. Rodney
becomes suspicious.
Del (Cont'd)
They said I may never walk
again! Rodney, Rodney, my
brother, I know that in your
heart of hearts you never
meant to disable me! And
I just want you to know I
won't hold it against you.
Rodney
Alright.
Del
Alright, what I meant was,
I'm sorry I let you lay
under our home-solarium all
that time and made you go
a bit red. I suppose,
alright, this is my
punishment, innit? Spend
the rest of my life in
this wheelchair!
Trigger
Still, it could have been
orse Del!
Mike
How??
Trigger
My gran had one with a
squeaky wheel!
Rodney
This is all a bit sick innit?
I mean, you might fool these
three, but not me bruv!
Del
What do you mean Rodney?
Rodney
Oh come off it Del! Two pina
coladas then you'll put on
your Eric Clapton LP and
you'll be up jiving won't
ya?
Del
I don't believe this! I don't
believe what he's doing to
me! He's torn my world in
half and now he's having a
pop at me!
Albert
You're right out of order
son!
Rodney
Oh listen to me. Hospitals
do not send home paralysed
people by bus!! What is it
you are after Del, sympathy
from Lisa or a disabled
sticker for the van, eh?
Del leaps from the chair, and grabs Rodney by the throat
and pushes him against the wall.
Del
You listen to me you vicious
little git! I may never walk
again for the rest of...
(Realising he is
standing)
Although I must admit, I'm
getting some feeling back.
Albert
You should never tell them
sort of lies Del!
Mike
You made us go all the way
out to Redhill and there was
nothing wrong with you!
Del
Don't blame me, it was him.
I just wanted to get my own
back on this plonker.
Trigger
Yeah, but when you fancied a
smoke on the bus you made me
carry you up to the top deck.
Del
Don't blame me Trigger! Don't
blame me! Blame him! Rodney,
I was up there three hours!
Three bloody hours! I did the
loop-the-loop over Dimchurch.
Little kids were shouting at
me, 'There goes a spaceman,
a spaceman.' Finally, just
when I'd given up hope I
clattered into an aerial
thing and fell 50 foot to
the ground. It was only by
the grace of God that I
landed on something soft.
Rodney
Yeah, I noticed the bruising
around your head.
Del
It was not my head! I landed
on a very unfortunate and
very unsuspecting courting
couple.
Rodney
You're kidding?
Del
No, I wish I was. Due to
your vicious mind and general
wallyness, they've had to put
their wedding back six months.
I've had to pay for a new
sun-roof in their Sierra -
and that's regardless of what
Radio Rentals are gonna do me
for for the aerial!
Rodney
Would it help if I said I was
sorry?
Del
No it would not!
Trigger
Talking of weddings, that
reminds me. Lisa has invited
you to hers.
Del
Well that's all I need innit,
eh? That's another trip down
to bleedin' Hampshire...
Rodney
Lisa's getting married?
Trigger
Yeah, in a couple of months,
that's what she came up for -
to buy herself a wedding
dress in Oxford street.
Del
This is all a bit sudden
innit?
Trigger
No. She's been engaged for
over a year - some geezer
called Andy.
Mike
That's a bit of good news
Trigger! 'Ere, I'll tell you
what I'll do, I'll open the
pub and we'll have a little
celebration drink.
Trigger
Yeah nice one Mike. You
coming Albert?
Albert
Yeah I'll be there son.
Mike
I suppose you two will be
joining us?
Albert
So she was engaged all the
time! What a couple of
wallies!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
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