Only Fools And Horses

Tea For Three

NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD. It is talent night. On the small podium that acts as a stage there is a pianist, a drummer and a bad singer. Albert is at the bar in a maudlin mood. Trigger is at the bar when Del and Rodney enter. Del Oh, excuse me mate, oi give us...oh, Gawd blimey Michael, give us... Mike Two pints. Trigger Alright Dave? Rodney (No longer reacts) Oh yeah, hello Trigger. Looks like rain don't it? Trigger Yeah, tastes like it. Mike Oi, I heard that Trigger! I'll have you know my beer has just won second prize in the breweries contest! Del Yes that's right, he was narrowly beaten by the Metropolitan Water Board! They all laugh except Trigger. Del (Cont'd) Do you hear that? He was narrowly beaten by the Metropolitan Water Board! You see Trigger, they sell water you know and Mike, he sells... (He gives up) Yes, what do you want? What is it Albert? Albert Now brace yourselves boys, I just had a bit of bad news. Your Aunt Ada's been rushed into hospital, she's in a bad way by all accounts. Rodney Oh no, that's a shame innit? Del That's a choker. Trigger Who's Aunt Ada? Del Gawd knows; I don't. Albert She's me wife. Del Oh that Aunt Ada? But you ain't seen her for ages. Rodney Yeah, she said to the rest of the family that if she saw you again she'd kill you. Del Yeah. Albert She was annoyed when she said that. You see it's like a chapter of my life is coming to a close. Del Yeah, I know just how she feels though, eh? Albert Well that's it you see son, I don't know. I'd like to go and visit her and find out. Rodney Well why don't ya? Albert 'Cos she might not be as ill as they say. Albert moves off. Trigger He's really in the dumps ain't he? Del Yeah, I know. Still what can you do? Sorry darling! I'll tell you what we can do, why don't we take him down the chinky, that should cheer him up, eh Rodders? Do you want to come with us Trigger? Trigger No, I ain't sure Del. My niece'll be here in a minute. She's come up from the country for a few days. You remember little Lisa don't you? Del Lisa, oh your sister's kid? Yeah, I remember her. Trigger I'd better see what she fancies doing. Listen, I'm gonna have a chat with Albert, jolly him up a bit. Trigger moves along the bar. Del Jolly him up. Thanks Trigger, you're a pal. Rodney I remember Lisa - scruffy little mare weren't she. She had more candlesticks than Liberace. Del Yeah, that's her. I remember her mum though, she was a fair sort - pig- ugly, but a fair sort. I nicknamed her Miss 999 you know 'cos I only phoned her in an emergency. See if we can do a bit of business here, Michael... Mike, just a moment - Mike...Could I...Michael... (To Singer) Oi, shut up will yer, I can't hear myself think over here. Rodney Del, it's a talent contest! Del Well she ought to be dis- qualified. Rodney That's the favourite! Mike Oi, what's all the hollering about? Del Well, I dunno, I just told her to shut up. (Showing brochure) 'Ere, listen Michael, now listen, I've got a beautiful ultraviolet sunbed back at the flat. Now they retail normally at three hundred and seventy five quid, it's yours for a hundred and twenty. Just think of it eh, your own personal home solarium? Mike I don't want it. Del I can see that you're in two minds so I'll tell you what I'll do. I have here a super delux modern plug- in telephone and I'm gonna give it to you free with your home-solarium. I can't say fairer than that, because this is my last one. Mike I don't want it. Del I'll chuck an extension in. Mike I - don't - want - it. Del Yes or no? Mike Do me a favour Del...please. Del I'm doing you a favour... (To Rodney) And I nearly had him then. Rodney Yeah, I could see he was weak- ening. Is it worth stopping here for another one? Del No it ain't. Come on Rodney - let's get going. That bird over there's giving me the right hump. Oi, shut up. Rodney Derek. Lisa enters. Trigger Del. Lisa's here. Del Not now Trigger, we ain't got time. Say hello to her for us. Come on Rodders - let's get going. Lisa (Calling across from bar) Hello Del. Del Hello darling...Bloody hell! Rodney is in a state of shock. Rodney That ain't that scruffy little thing with the funny drawers is it? Del I think so. Yeah, must be, yeah. Rodney Bloody 'ell...Are you off then, are yer? Del Eh? No, no, no, I think I'll stay for another one. Are you gonna go down the chinky with Uncle Albert then? Rodney No, I don't fancy it - all that batter and that. Del Na. Rodney Na. Del tries to push past Rodney to get a head start. Del Well, out of my way, come on, get out of me way. Rodney (Elbows him back) You piss off. Del (To Rodney) Look, there's a pound down there, look there. Rodney (Stops) Where? Del Hello darling. Lisa Hello, Del. Oh it's been such a long time. Del Yeah innit? Haven't you got big, eh? No, I mean you've grown up. Lisa Well I'm 25 now. Del You're not! 25 now... Rodney Hello Lisa, do you remember me? Lisa Hello. How are you? Rodney Oh fine, I'm really good. Lisa Oh that's nice. (Quietly to Del) Who is he? Del Eh? Who him? That's little Rodney. Don't you remember little Rodney. You used to play with him. Lisa Oh, of course. You've changed. Rodney Yes, so have you. Del I'll say she has changed. Cor you are a big girl... Rodney Why don't we go and sit down over here, and have a little chat. (Starts moving to table) I'll see you later on Del. Del No, no. I'll come with you. I'll come with you. Rodney Here you are, sit here Lisa. Do you remember the old days? Lisa Oh it's lovely seeing you two again. (To Del) You know I always remember that day - ooh it was years and years ago - you drove round to me Nan's house in a brand-new-three-wheeled van. (To Rodney) I remember him saying to Uncle Trigger, this time next year it'll be a Mercedes. I was so impressed...Did you ever get the Mercedes? Del Na, na, I went off 'em...I got a nice little two-seater now! Rodney Yeah, two seats, three wheels! It's the same van innit? Del That's right, I let Rodney borrow it sometimes when he's behaved himself, 'cos he can't afford a car of his own! I mean, what kid can of his age, eh? So you're living down in the country then, eh? Lisa Just outside Winchester. You still livin' in the same place? Del Yeah, yeah. we're still there. Listen, you know before you go home you ought to come round to the flat. We can have a chat about old times, you know. You can stay for tea. Lisa Oh thanks, I'd love to. Rodney I was gonna invite you to tea an' all. How about tomorrow night? Lisa Fine. Del Yes tomorrow's fine with me sweetheart. Rodney No, I invited Lisa for tomorrow night. Del Yes, I know Rodney, but don't forget I did invite Lisa first. Rodney Derek, you clearly heard me invite Lisa for tea tomorrow night. Del But I invited her first. Lisa Look, why don't we have tea together? Then the three of us can talk about the old times. Del (Reluctantly) Yeah...Alright then. Rodney (Equally reluctant) Fine. Lisa Oh good. Rodney Yeah, great. Albert is on the stage at the piano. Lisa Isn't that your Uncle? Del What's that soppy old duffer up to? Albert I'd like to sing a very special song for a very special lady who unfortunately ain't with me tonight. I'd like to think this song was named after my dear, sick wife. It is that beautiful old ballad, Ada. Del Ada?? Lisa Is there a song called Ada? Rodney Well there must be, he's about to sing it. Albert 'Ada, you with the stars in your eyes, Love never made a fool of you...' THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Albert is lying beneath a sun-bed canopy wearing protective glasses, a white vest, baggy old navy shorts and plimsoles. Rodney enters from the kitchen. Rodney Hurry up will you, I want 'alf an hour under there. Albert 'Ere, these ultraviolet rays contain vitamin E don't they? I read somewhere that vitamin Es are good for an 'angover. Rodney Yeah, well you made a right berk of yourself at the talent contest didn't yer? Getting up on stage and singing that stupid song. Albert What are you on about, I won! Rodney You won?? Del enters with a bag of groceries. Del Who did? Rodney Roy Orbison here! Del Must have been a sympathy vote! Anyway, I've got all the grub in for me and Lisa's tea tonight. Rodney Yes, well I made a contri- bution too. Del Oh, have ya? Well I got chicken Italienne and fruit salad and Dream Topping to follow and what've you bought? Rodney Cheese. Del Cheese! Cheese? Well, it's a good job I bought all this grub then innit, eh? If it was left up to you the poor little cow'd have been down for Welsh rabbit. Albert gets up. Rodney Well, if you put your hand in your pocket every so often and give me some proper money. Del Listen, I earn the money in this family. Albert Why don't you two pack it in? Rodney (Referring to Albert) God, you look like a geri- atric ball-boy. Albert You two were niggling each other last night and you've been bickering all morning, I'm fed up with yer. I'm going down the Legion. Del (Referring to Albert's legs) Well, just make sure that you put on a pair of trousers first. There's a lot of stray dogs on this estate! Anyway, I better make sure we've got enough Smash in for Lisa's tea. Rodney Right, I'm gonna have a quick tone-up, a nice shower and I am sorted! Oi, how'd you turn this thing on for 'alf an hour? Albert On the end there. Rodney Right, got it. Rodney lays out beneath the canopy. Rodney (Cont'd) Oh, this is lovely! Albert Listen to me Rodney. I told you once, you remember, that Grandad and I didn't speak to each other for years? Rodney Mmmmh. Albert Well that was all over a woman! It was yer Aunt Ada! Rodney (Sleepily) You're not gonna sing again are you? Albert I remember me and yer Grandad, we were just like you and Del Boy. We weren't just brothers, we was mates, went everywhere together, got up to some right capers. Then one night we met Ada at the local palais. She was a beautiful woman - a bit like Ginger Rodgers. Last time I saw her she looked more like Fred Astaire! Well, we both had a couple of dances with her, then we both wanted to take her home. We ended up fighting in the street over her. He never spoke to me from that day to...He never spoke to me ever again. I'm frightened history's about to repeat itself. I don't wanna see that happen to you and Del. Rodney! (Rodney is asleep) Bloody kids! Oi, Rodney! Del Oi, Rodney! I'm gonna whip down the shops for another packet of Smash and some Brut so I want you to...Rodn ...Ah, he's gone to sleep bless him! So you wanna get a nice tan for the girl then do you? I'll give you a nice tan alright. Del switches the timer on to full then exits. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. The meal is finished. Del and Lisa are alone at the table. Del fills her wine glass. Lisa Oh, not too much I got to be up early in the morning. Del Just a little topperooni - there we go. (Calling to kitchen) Come on Rodney. Oi, come on, bring your cheese. Lisa I really think Rodney should go to hospital with his face. Del Yeah, I know, I've been telling him that for years! Rodney enters from the kitchen carrying a cheeseboard. He is wearing a beige suit, open at the neck. His face is lobster red. Del makes a Red Indian gesture. Del How! Lisa Does your face hurt? Rodney Only when I smile. Del Listen Rodney, I wouldn't stand about in that suit too long if I were you, not with your head! Lisa Why not? Del Well, he looks like a Swan Vesta! You've only got your- self to blame, haven't yer? Rodney How's your mum these days Lisa? Lisa Oh, she's fine thank you. Rodney Did you know that years and years ago, Del used to take your mum out? Lisa Oh, I didn't know that. Del Yeah, yeah, we were just little tiny kids then. Rodney What was it you nicknamed her, Del? Del Em... It was the Rose of Peckham. Lisa My Mum??? I can't wait to tell her. Rodney Well, that's funny because he told me in the pub... Del (Changing subject) I know there was something I wanted to ask you. D'you like going to the flicks? Lisa Oh the cinema, oh yeah. Have you seen An Officer and a Gentleman? Del and Rodney Oh yeah, yeah. Lisa Oh that Richard Gere, isn't he fabulous? Rodney Yeah, he's alright. Del I like what he wears. Lisa Oh when he was wearing his uniform. Oh God, I went all goose-pimpley. You know there definitely is some- thing about a man in a uniform. Del Well you take after your mum there, she used to go out with this geezer from the Gas Board! Rodney I used to be in the army! Well, cadets! Del I used to be a paratrooper! Lisa Really? Del Didn't I Rodney?? Rodney Well you've made a few drops in your time Del. Lisa I don't know how you could do it. I've got these friends back home who belong to a hang-gliding club. Del Oh, yeah hang-gliding, well I love all that. Lisa They're always asking me to try but just the thought of it terrifies me. Del There's nothing to it. No, I used to free-fall from 20,000 foot. Lisa No. Del Yeah, I didn't used to open my chute 'til I saw the tops of the trees. Lisa Oh God. Del At night. Rodney You also had your feet tied together and a hand over one eye, didn't you!! Del One night my chute didn't open at all! Lisa What happened? Del Eh? Oh, er, I had a bad landing! But fortunately they teach you to fall properly! It was alright. Lisa You know it's funny but I've always imagined paratroopers to be...Well, taller! Rodney Yeah well, he used to be six foot one but, like he said, he had a bad landing! Del Thank you, thank you very much Rodney for your observations. Now, get out in the kitchen and put the kettle on will yer? Lisa Oh no, no. I've got to be going. Del No, no, no. Rodney Listen, I'll walk you home, eh? Del No, no, no Rodney, you can't do that. You can't stand around street corners with your face, the traffic'll be waiting for you to change to green! No listen, I'll give you a lift home. Lisa Oh that's nice of you Del. Del L'etat c'est moi! As the French would say. What else could I do for a charming lady? Lisa Why thank you kind sir! Del Not at all. I'll just go and get the keys shall I? I'm going. Del exits to bedroom. Rodney Well, it's been really nice seeing you again after all this time. Lisa Oh I've enjoyed it so much. You know - shopping and meeting old friends. Rodney Yeah, what time you off tomorrow? Lisa I get the 10 o'clock train from Waterloo. I've got to be home by 12 noon, I'm meeting those friends I was telling you about. Rodney What, the hang-gliders? Lisa Mmmmmh. I'll just get me jacket. She goes to the hall to get her coat. Rodney's brain is working overtime. He follows her into the hall. Rodney Yeah, why don't me and Del drive you home tomorrow? Lisa I couldn't ask you to do that! Rodney No, no, we'd like it. We'd have a nice day in the country! Del'll jump at the chance. And I was thinking, it's Del's 46th birthday soon and I'd love to give him a real surprise. D'you know what his ambition is? Lisa What? Rodney To hang-glide! Well, you know, being the old ex- paratrooper it's natural innit? So d'you reckon your mates could arrange for him to have a little flight? Lisa No problem, they'd be de- lighted. Rodney Oh that'll be great! I can't wait to see his little face. It'll be our little secret though, eh? Lisa Sure, oh me bag. Lisa goes back into the lounge. Rodney Yes, I can't wait to see his little face. VAST OPEN COUNTRYSIDE. Del What??? Del looks up skywards. In the background there are hang- gliders in action. Del (Cont'd) You want me to go up on one of them wing fings? (Trying to shrug it off) No, no, no, not today darling, you see I'm not in the mood. Lisa You can't wait to get up there can you? I can see it in your eyes! Del Really? Lisa (Calls) Andy, come over here and meet some friends of mine. Del looks to Rodney in desperation but Rodney just grins. Lisa (Cont'd) I'd like you to meet Del and Rodney. Andy Oh, nice to meet you. Del Watcha son. Rodney Hi. Andy Hi! (Noticing Rodney's face) Are you okay? Rodney I'm fine. Andy Sorry, it's just that you look sort of flushed. Del No, no, it's alright. It's just his great-grandad was a Comanche. Andy Well, Lisa tells me you used to be a paratrooper. Del Eh? Oh yeah, well it's many, many years ago now like, you know what I mean? Andy Well, I've done a bit of free-falling myself, nothing in your calibre of course, but it was great fun. Del Yeah, triffic! Andy (Indicates a glider) Well, whenever you're ready Del. Del Em...No, no, no, it's alright, I don't wanna spoil your fun Andy, I'll stay here and just watch, eh. Lisa Listen to me Derek Trotter. I've arranged all this specially for you! It's my way of saying thank you for that lovely meal last night. I wish you could have seen it Andy. Rodney (Quietly to himself) Hang around and you might! Lisa Andy doesn't mind you borrow- ing his equipment, do you? Andy No, no, it's a pleasure. And we've got some great thermals today. Del Thermals? Oh what a shame, I'm just wearing me ordinary Y-fronts. Andy No, no, thermals, you know - warm air. Lisa He's just having you on! Andy Oh I see! We'll get every- thing ready then. Andy and Lisa move away. Del Yeah, okay. What am I gonna do? Rodney I don't know! Dear oh dear oh dear oh dear, hat a pickle! I mean really, it's a bit of a shame you ever said you were a paratrooper. Del I wish I'd kept my bloody mouth shut. What's that Andy want to go sticking his 'ooter into my affairs for eh, eh? Rodney Well he thinks he's doing you a favour, don't he? Del I'm gonna land him a doughboy right round the lug 'ole before he's much older! What am I gonna do Rodney? I can't tell 'em I'm scared can I, eh, eh? Rodney No, no, you'd make your- self look a right dipstick in front of everyone. You don't fancy having a little fly then? Del No I do not. I want to keep my feet firmly on the old terra-cotta! I'll tell 'em I'm not feeling very well! Rodney Eh, you can't do that! A Green Beret with an 'eadache! This is one little problem you're gonna have to work out on your own Del, innit? Del See Rodney, listen to me. I know we haven't been seeing eye to eye for the last few days, but listen to me, we are brothers after all, ain't we? I mean it's blood! It's like Uncle Albert said, he said brothers shouldn't fall out over a woman. Didn't he, eh, what d'you reckon? Eh Rodney, eh? Rodney You're right Del! No, you're right. I mean it's stupid arguing, innit? Del Of course it is, you know it makes sense. Come on, help me out of this mess Rodney, please. Come on, any ideas? Eh? Rodney Alright, alright we'll just have a look at the problem, right. On the one hand right, you don't want to fly! Del No. Rodney No, no, that's alright. But on the other hand you want to keep your pride intact? Del Of course I do. Rodney Right, right, I've got it. You pretend to be dead keen to get up in them old clouds right! You put on all the gear, put yourself in the glider thing, then at the last minute I come over from the van, rushing up and say we've had an urgent call come through on our car-phone. Del Yeah! That's brill innit eh? But we ain't got a car phone, have we Dopey? We ain't even got a ruddy car, look. Rodney produces a phone handset. Rodney Who's gonna know any different? And then I say you've gotta rush back to London immediately, right, and you act all disappointed, you go 'Oh no, but what can you do?' Then we're in the van and we're away! Del Oh yeah, good boy. Well done Rodders, well done. Listen, you are gonna stay here though aren't yer? Rodney I'll be right here, mate. Del Good boy, good boy. (Calls) Hey Andy, come on then, hurry up, I'm getting a bit impatient to be off ain't I? (To Rodney) He don't know does he? Del is wearing a crash helmet and has the glider strapped to him. He is still wearing his camel coat. Lisa Everything alright? Del Oh yeah, beautiful darling, beautiful. Andy Now do you remember everything I told you about controlling the glider? Del Yeah, don't worry Andy, it's all up there. Down there for dancing. What d'you reckon, all the thermal and all that - alright up there Andy? Andy No, no, it's one of the best days of the year. Well, whenever you're ready Del. Del Ah right, cushty. (Nods in Rodney's direction) Cushty. Andy You're switched on...Yeah, it's all working, yeah. Del (Cups his ear) Oh! Is that our phone I can hear ringing Rodney? Rodney Eh? Del I said is that our phone I can hear ringing? Rodney No! Del Are you sure? Rodney Yeah. We ain't got a car- phone! Rodney grins a victorious 'Got you bastard' grin. Rodney (Cont'd) Get up as high as you can Del. You might get a tan. Del realises that this was Rodney's plan. Del I will get you for this Rodney, you see if I don't. Andy Are you going Del? Del Eh? Yeah. Yeah I'm going... Oh my good Gawd! Oh bloody 'ell! Del closes his eyes and uns forward with a great 'Geronimo' shout. He flys off the hill. Rodney (Horrified) Oh! Del is in the air, his eyes are squeezed closed. Del They do this for fun! Oh Gawd, please let me get down safely. Lisa What's he doing???? Andy Well, where's he going??? I told him to stay close to the ridge. Rodney Why, what's over there? Lisa He's heading out to sea. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is studying a globe of the world. He is a worried man. Albert, disgusted with him, puts a brandy on the table. Albert Get that down you! He's been missing for 12 hours! 12 hours, that's nearly 'alf a day! Rodney I know, I've got a GCE in Maths, haven't I. There's a ring at the front door. Albert Shall I answer it son? Rodney Yes please. Albert exits to the hall. Albert and Trigger enter. Trigger Watcha Dave. Rodney Watcha Trigger. Trigger You alright? Rodney Yeah, I'm fine, this is nothing! Have they found him? Trigger Yeah... They found him Dave! Rodney Eh. Where? Trigger He crashed into a television transmitter in Redhill. They rushed him to the local hospital. X-rays and that. They tried to phone his next of kin - but they couldn't get through, so they phoned the pub. Me and Mike got a cab out there. Albert We'll see you for the fare son. Trigger Na, that's alright. We got a Green Line back. Rodney But what happened? Has he broken anything? Trigger Well they reckon the aerial's beyond repair. Rodney No Trigger! I mean Del - how's Del?? Trigger You'd better ask him your- self Dave. Del, in a wheelchair pushed by Mike, enters. His face is bruised and speckled with bits of plaster. His coat is ripped and stained. He is a wretched, pathetic sight. Del See you got home safely then Rodney? Rodney Yeah. Are you alright Del? Del Is he winding me up or what? Mike No, no, he's just a bit concerned that's all Del. 'Ere, are you alright? Rodney I'm fine!! Albert So what did the hospital say son? Del They said... Del lowers his head, as do Mike and Trigger. Rodney becomes suspicious. Del (Cont'd) They said I may never walk again! Rodney, Rodney, my brother, I know that in your heart of hearts you never meant to disable me! And I just want you to know I won't hold it against you. Rodney Alright. Del Alright, what I meant was, I'm sorry I let you lay under our home-solarium all that time and made you go a bit red. I suppose, alright, this is my punishment, innit? Spend the rest of my life in this wheelchair! Trigger Still, it could have been orse Del! Mike How?? Trigger My gran had one with a squeaky wheel! Rodney This is all a bit sick innit? I mean, you might fool these three, but not me bruv! Del What do you mean Rodney? Rodney Oh come off it Del! Two pina coladas then you'll put on your Eric Clapton LP and you'll be up jiving won't ya? Del I don't believe this! I don't believe what he's doing to me! He's torn my world in half and now he's having a pop at me! Albert You're right out of order son! Rodney Oh listen to me. Hospitals do not send home paralysed people by bus!! What is it you are after Del, sympathy from Lisa or a disabled sticker for the van, eh? Del leaps from the chair, and grabs Rodney by the throat and pushes him against the wall. Del You listen to me you vicious little git! I may never walk again for the rest of... (Realising he is standing) Although I must admit, I'm getting some feeling back. Albert You should never tell them sort of lies Del! Mike You made us go all the way out to Redhill and there was nothing wrong with you! Del Don't blame me, it was him. I just wanted to get my own back on this plonker. Trigger Yeah, but when you fancied a smoke on the bus you made me carry you up to the top deck. Del Don't blame me Trigger! Don't blame me! Blame him! Rodney, I was up there three hours! Three bloody hours! I did the loop-the-loop over Dimchurch. Little kids were shouting at me, 'There goes a spaceman, a spaceman.' Finally, just when I'd given up hope I clattered into an aerial thing and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God that I landed on something soft. Rodney Yeah, I noticed the bruising around your head. Del It was not my head! I landed on a very unfortunate and very unsuspecting courting couple. Rodney You're kidding? Del No, I wish I was. Due to your vicious mind and general wallyness, they've had to put their wedding back six months. I've had to pay for a new sun-roof in their Sierra - and that's regardless of what Radio Rentals are gonna do me for for the aerial! Rodney Would it help if I said I was sorry? Del No it would not! Trigger Talking of weddings, that reminds me. Lisa has invited you to hers. Del Well that's all I need innit, eh? That's another trip down to bleedin' Hampshire... Rodney Lisa's getting married? Trigger Yeah, in a couple of months, that's what she came up for - to buy herself a wedding dress in Oxford street. Del This is all a bit sudden innit? Trigger No. She's been engaged for over a year - some geezer called Andy. Mike That's a bit of good news Trigger! 'Ere, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll open the pub and we'll have a little celebration drink. Trigger Yeah nice one Mike. You coming Albert? Albert Yeah I'll be there son. Mike I suppose you two will be joining us? Albert So she was engaged all the time! What a couple of wallies!

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