Only Fools And Horses

From Prussia With Love

THE NAG'S HEAD. Albert is sitting at a table playing cards with a couple of locals. Del and Rodney are at the bar talking to Mike. Sitting alone at a table, a suitcase by her side, is Anna. She is an attractive 19-year-old language student from Germany. She can speak English quite well, but has problems with 'Nag's Head English.' She surveys the bar in an almost frightened manner. She is vulnerable and sad. Del What do you reckon then Mike, 25? Mike Last orders now - please. (To Del) I'm not interested. Del I'll give you the box - it's got re-dial -, oi, top me up too, don't hang about. Mike Maureen! Maureen! (Indicating Anna) Go an' tell that girl over there will you, we're closing in a minute. Maureen And how am I supposed to do that? I've been tryin' to talk to her all night but she's foreign, don't understand the lingo! Rodney What's occurring Mike? Mike Well it's that foreign tart, she can't speak a word of English. She's been sitting there all night. Keeps bursting into tears! Del Yeah, well at your prices you can't blame her? What's her nationality? Mike Ain't got a clue! Rodney (Hopefully) Maybe she's Swedish!! Mike and Del Swedish?? Del Hark at him. Mike Yeah, well d'you know the Swedish for 'Chucking out time'?? That's one pound fourty-seven... Del Alright, I'll get it. Mike Here Del, Del, you speak a bit of French don't you? Del Potage bonne femme! Mike Listen, go and have a chat with her, see if she speaks French? Del Of course I will Mike, any- thing for a mate. How much d'you say these drinks were? Mike One four...On the house Del! Del Good boy, well done Michael, you're a gentleman! Right, you can stay here if you l like Rodney. Rodney You must be joking! You're gonna to speak French to someone, I wouldn't miss this for a million pounds. Del Alright, alright then - I'll show you. Come on. Rodney Go on then. Del approaches. Del Alright Maureen, I can take over now. Right. Alright. Au revoir! Parlez vous the old Français? Anna Oh, oui bien sur. Pouvez vous m'aider s'il vous plait? Est'ce qu'il y'a un hotel ou pension quelconque par ici ou je peux trouver une chambre? Del is stunned. For the first time his 'Renault Handbook' French has been confronted by the real thing. Rodney grins at Del. Del Na, she don't speak French either Mike! Anna Excusez-moi Monsieur. Je ne suis pas Français, mais Allemande! Del Who? Anna Allemagne!! Deutschland!! Germany!! Ja? Rodney She's German! Del Oh, it's alright, panic over Mike, Bamber's cracked it! She's German! (To Albert) What do you want? Albert I can speak a bit of German, I was over there just after the war. Del Yes, sit down, sit down. Come over here. Now listen to me. I want you to ask her what her name is, where she lives, her address and all that sort of thing. Albert Right, leave this to me... (In cod German accent) Vot ees your nem? Del Vot is your n...Vot is yor nem...He's winding me up ain't he? Anna Does anyone speak English? Del English! You saucy mare, course we speak English, we invented the lingo didn't we? Rodney Yes we sp... Well, I speak English! Anna You help me maybe? I look for my hotel! Rodney Oh right. Which hotel? What is the name of your hotel?? Anna I not sure of this! Del Oh stone me, there's bloody millions of them across the river. Anna looks to Rodney for the translation. Rodney Er, he say 'There are many hotels in London.' Anna Oh ja, many! Albert You just come in then? Gatwick airport - silver bird? Anna (To Rodney) Please? Rodney He say 'Have you just arrived in England?' Anna Oh no. I be in England now for one year. I am language student. French and English, ja? I work as au pair and study at the college. This morning now, the family I work for tell me I must go. They are not happy with me. They say I must leave., so I have hotel yes? Rodney Oh yes! Don't worry, I - I will make sure you get to your hotel. I will make sure you get safely to your room! I think I can handle this on my own Del, don't you? Del Yeah, I bet you can! Yeah, blimey what a turn up, eh? He thought he was gonna pull a Swede and she's got lumbered with a cabbage! Come on Albert, let's take a Toby home, we'll leave the keys of the car with the old saint here! Off you go. Tata darling. Albert Best of luck darling, keep yer hand on yer pfennig! Mike No Del! Del Alright, I tell you what I'm gonna do Michael, I'm gonna leave the phone here so that you can have a think about it and I'll give you a bell on it in the morning. Alright son. Rodney So, have you any idea where your hotel is? Anna I do not have hotel! Rodney But I thought you said you were looking for a hotel? Anna Ja, I look for hotel. Rodney Oh...There are no hotels in this area! Anna This is what I think! So, I am nowhere? She begins to sob. Rodney No, no, don't cry! Some- thing'll turn up! Give us a bit of time to think! Anna (Producing a few fivers) I have money! Rodney Put that away! Blimey, they'd chop your head off round here if you've got gold teeth! Anna Please? Rodney This is dangerous place at night! The streets are bad place! Anna Ja, this is why I fear! Mike Come on, time to go home now - please. Rodney Well look, you could stay the night at our flat I suppose. You know - if you want. It ain't very much, but it's comfortable...Well no, it ain't really comfortable. You're more than welcome! You could have my bed. Anna But where will you sleep? Rodney Oh, we'll think of something. Shall I take your case? Anna Thank you. Rodney picks up her suitcase. Anna stands and it is evident that she is heavily pregnant. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Albert is watching TV eating fish and chips from the wrap- ping paper. Del is at the table engaged in a conversation on a 'nomad phone.' On the table he has fish and chips and a lurid cocktail. Del Mmmh! Yeah! Eh. Yeah, listen Kristos, everyone's got a cordless phone these days except you! What? No, of course they're not faulty! I said of course they're not faulty! Rodney Hi! Rodney enters, nervously. Albert D'you get that little bird home? Rodney Eh, yeah I got her home! See thing is Del, she didn't actually have a hotel to go back to! Del Alright Rodney - can't you see I'm on the phone. What did you say - go on. Rodney So I said she could spend the night here! Del What d'you mean, she can spend the night here? Rodney Come in Anna. Anna enters. Del Yeah hello dar... (Spying the lump) Alright Kristos, listen, I've got to go, I'll hang up because something big has just turned up. Del switches the phone off. Rodney Anna, this is my brother Derek. Del, this is Anna. Anna Good evening. Del Good evening, yeah. Rodney And this is our Uncle Albert. Anna How do you do? Albert Hello dear, nice to meet you all! Anna May I sit down? Del Certainly, yeah, sit here. Please put your bag down. That's it - good girl. Albert D'you fancy a bit of 'addock? Rodney Hey, no, you're alright, we've already eaten. I took her down the Star of Bengal. Del D'you think a ruby was wise in her condition? Excuse me, excuse us. (To Rodney indicating kitchen) Could I have a private word with you in private please, thank you. Rodney Yeah, yeah sure. I won't be a minute Anna. Del Albert please try to enter- tain our guests! KITCHEN. Del Shut the door. Rodney Del, I couldn't help it, honest, I mean, how was I to know she was pregnant? Del 'How was I supposed to know she was pregnant?' It doesn't take a Doctor bleedin' Spock to work that one out Rodney! Rodney Look, Ill take her out tomorrow and find her a room, eh? Del And what happens if that sprog of hers decides to clock in tonight? Albert enters. Albert I don't want to worry you two boys, but unless I'm very much mistaken that young girl out there's up the duff! Rodney Why don't you go out an' hit an iceberg Albert? Del I don't understand this, I just don't know what's been happening to me just lately! I just do not know what's happening. I've got more relatives crawling out the woodwork than Blake Carrington, and now I'm taking in the waifs and strays of Europe. Rodney Ah, that's why we gotta help innit? We're in the European Community now, we've gotta stick together! Del Pity her knees didn't! Rodney Look Del, come on, we got room in the flat ain't we? I mean, it's only one more person. Albert Yeah, but it's one more person who's about to become two more persons! On the other hand it could be twins or triplets, or quadlets!! Del Yeah, he's right an' all. I mean, she could be sitting out there with a bellyful of people! One hot bath and we get chucked out for over- crowding! No, I'm sorry Rodney, I'm sorry. I can't take the risk. Sorry, no! Rodney Alright, alright, we'll chuck her out in the street shall we? But you go an' give her the good news Del! LOUNGE. Rodney is already in the lounge as Del and Albert enter from the kitchen. Del (To Anna) Munchengladbach! We've hit a bit of a snag! See the thing is, Anna, I mean at the pacific moment in time, we are a bit knackered for space see. Anna (To Rodney) Please? Rodney He says 'There is no room at the inn!' Del Don't start all that Sunday school rubbish with me Rodney. (To Anna but gesturing to Rodney) Unt plonker, yah! Anna (To Rodney) Please? Rodney He's calling me a... Don't matter. Albert Who did the dirty deed then? Anna (To Rodney) Please? Rodney He say, who's the father? Oi, that's a bit personal innit? Del Yeah, a bit personal. Anna Oh, father, yes, I under- stand. Family I work with, Mr and Mrs Wainwright, have son, Spencer, who is the student. One day Spencer return from university with degree ja? I'm not drink but this day I have the champagne. Then I am spinning, ja? Then Spencer comes to my room. He wants word? Del Oh, you mean he wants to... Rodney (Warning) Del!!!! Anna He wants to be my friend, ja? Albert What, while you were still spinning? Anna Ja, I am still spinning! Then I find baby is here. I phone Spencer and he say I must not tell his parents he is father. But this morning, I am very worried and I tell them. They say I lie, they say I am bad person. Mr Wain- wright say 'My inexpedient for me to remain!' Del (To Rodney) Please? Rodney He say 'On yer bike!' Del Oh! On yer bike. Anna Mr Wainwright, he is a...What word? Del Git? Anna A businessman. A rich man. He give me money for journey home. Albert So why didn't you go? Anna I cannot go yet. My family will see baby. This is not good! So I wait and when baby is born I give baby to people. Del Yeah, yeah, if you think so sweetheart, yeah. It's a terrible world this innit Rodney? Terrible. Look, the best thing you can...Why don't you chuck Anna's things in your room for you know - for tonight. Rodney Cheers mate. Del Anna, listen, you go with Rodney through there and he will show you where you can kip tonight. Yeah. Anna Thank you. Del It's alright - here you are girl - let me help you. I'll take these - straight through here. Open the door - take that, take this as well. Rodney and Anna exit. Rodney Mind the batteries. Del Yeah, mind that, alright? Goodnight now. Night. Albert It's a funny old world innit? I mean, you take thousands of couples round the world all trying to have kids but can't! I remember my mate Nipper Townsend. Years and years him and his wife dreamed of having a kid. They never did though!! Del Yeah, well you got to take so many things into account, ain't you? Well, the temperature, the cycle, tight pants, all that! Albert True! Course, Nipper being stationed in Malta didn't help! You seem to know a lot about all this medical malarkey! Del Yeah well, I get it off Boycie and Marlene don't I?! You know Boycie, the second- hand car trader. Yeah, well him and Marlene have been trying to have a little sprog for years but no joy. They've had more tests you know than the atom bomb - still no good. I mean they've tried to foster and adopt, no, nothing. Funny that eh? Funny, they're stinking rich and yet with all that money they can't buy the one thing they want most dearly - a little baby! Albert Yeah, that's the way the cookie bounces, eh? Del nods in agreement. Then looks up. He is putting two and two together. A scheme is being born. Del Yeah, I expect... Albert What's wrong? Del Eh? No, nothing, nothing. No, I've just worked out every- thing could work out very very cushty! THE FRONT OF BOYCIE'S HOUSE. Boycie's Mercedes and the three-wheeled vanare parked in the driveway. Duke the dog is barking. Rodney's voice can be heard in the distance. Rodney Come on Duke, get stick. Come on Dukie. BOYCIE'S LOUNGE. Del is seated in the armchair with a cigar and a glass of beer. Marlene is on the settee, Boycie is standing. They are both looking stunned. Boycie S...say that again Del Boy?? Del I said, I could help you have a baby! Marlene Well, what d'you mean? You're willing to be one of them suffragette fathers? Del No, no! I mean, I know where there's a baby going! Boycie What - knocked off? Del No, no, no, it's all pukka! You see, I know this young German girl. She hadn't been in our green and pleasant land for no more than three months when she was suddenly taken pregnant! Boycie Oh that's lovely innit Marlene? A little while from now we could be awakened by the pitter-patter of tiny jackboots! Del Leave it out Boycie! Look, he'd be brought up as yours wouldn’t he. Anyway, the father is English, you see, the full story is Rodney met this girl in the pub little while ago... Boycie Hang about! You mean that dipstick Rodney's the father? Del moves towards the patio doors. Del No, no, no, of course he ain't Boycie, leave it out. What Rodney, blimey, he don't know what it's all about yet. Haven't you seen the funny way he still stirs his tea? (Shouting from window) No, Rodney, get your leg out of that dog's mouth!! I despair of that boy - I really do. The father is some sort of student geezer who's washed his hands of the whole affair like he don't know! Boycie Well him and me have got a lot in common, because I don't wanna know either! Marlene We can at least talk about it Boycie! Boycie Yeah, yeah, alright then love. Just give us a couple of minutes, will you Del. They move away for a discussion. Rodney enters, exhausted. Rodney I think I've tired him out, he's a rascal! What they doing? Del It's alright, nothing. They're just having a bit of a chat. Go and get yourself a little ale, and top me up while you're over there, alright. Boycie It is definitely a boy?? Del Yep, definitely a boy! Rodney What's all this about? Del No, no, nothing, Boycie's thinking of getting a boat and I'm gonna get him some equipment see. Rodney Oh, that sort of buoy! Boycie This German bird, is she healthy? Del Healthy? She's Boris Becker's cousin! Rodney What the bloody 'ells going on here Del? Del Alright, alright Rodney! I was gonna tell you, see Boycie and Marlene might have Anna's baby. Rodney What!!! What is this, a raffle? Del, this is a tiny human being we're talking about!! This is flesh and blood. It's Anna's child! Del Yes I know that Rodney, but Anna wants it adopted, and Boycie and Marlene want to adopt! Rodney Yeah, well, if that's what they want they can go to an adoption society? Marlene No, we've tried lots of times Rodney, but they always turn us down. (Indicating Boycie) It's because of his record! Del Boycie did a little bit of a stretch when he was younger you know. Rodney Oh yeah! What for? Boycie Perjury, embezzlement, conspiring to pervert the course of justice, the fraudulent conversion of traveler’s cheques and attempting to bribe the Mayor of Lambeth! See, it's any little thing with these adoption people! Marlene Leave it out Boycie, with your record I'm surprised we're allowed to keep a dog! Boycie Yeah, but it's all in the past! I mean how many times have I gotta repay my debt to society?? Del Yeah, that's true. I mean, don't a person deserve a second chance? Rodney Well...Yeah, that's fair enough. Del And that's what we're gonna give this little baby! A second chance! A chance to live in this beautiful house. A chance to have a loving father and a doting mother! And they don't come more doting than that! I mean, even Duke's got a bib! Rodney But it's illegal! Marlene What, giving a little baby love and warmth and a chance in life is against the law? Rodney I don't know, the welfare people gonna wonder where Anna's baby is? Del It's obvious innit? It's with its mother...In Germany!! Marlene I think we've cracked it at last Boycie. Well, you can tell everybody it's our own child! I mean, we're always reading in the papers about women giving birth who didn't even know they were pregnant. Boycie It might raise a few eye- brows! Marlene Well yeah, but they're only neighbours! Boycie I was thinking more of that gynecologist who examined you on Monday! Marlene I'll never have to see him again, will I? Just give us a minute Del. Come on Boycie. Look. They go into a huddle. Rodney You're gonna earn out of this ain't yer? Del How dare you! That is a terrible thing to say!! What sort of bloke do you think I am?? I'm doing it for Anna and them two, but most important of all, I'm doing it for that little unborn baby. Rodney Oh look, I'm sorry. Del No, don't touch me. Rodney I'm sorry...But you are gonna earn out of it ain't yer? Del Look. That is a cruel and cal- lous jibe. Boycie How much this all gonna cost? Del Only her airline ticket home, and of course money for the birth certificate and a few quid to cover our petrol and telephone calls...Three grand should cover it, I should think. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Anna is in the armchair watching TV. Del is at the table work- ing on a computer. He presses a few keys as if he knows what he's doing. Albert enters from the kitchen with a cup of tea. Albert Tea up Del Boy! Del Ssssh! Can't you see I'm busy? Del presses another button. We hear the sound of an explosion. Del (Cont'd) Got you, you Martian git! Let me see, re-set... Rodney enters from the bedroom, giving Del a withering look. Del (Cont'd) What's up with you? Rodney You know perfectly well what's up with me! Selling a baby. God - it's like some- thing out of Dickens' times! Del Rodney listen. How many times has Boycie tucked me up, eh? That three grand isn't for the baby, it's just payment of old debts! Albert It's most probably for the best son. I mean, Anna gets her baby adopted by a loving family. Del That's right. Marlene gets the sprog she's always wanted. Rodney (To Del) And you get three grand!!! Del Exactly, everyone's a winner! Rodney Yeah, everyone, everyone except Anna! Del Au contraire Rodney, au contraire! Because as soon as old Boycie weighs in with the poppy I'm going straight down the bureau de change and I'm gonna get a few hundred translated for her! So that means that Anna is gonna go straight back to the Father- land with 300 drachma in her bin! Anna lets out a howl of pain. The Trotters are terrified. Del She's in pain! Albert How'd you know, you can't speak German! Del This is it! This is it! Rodney No, no, no, it's not. Maybe it's just indigestion! Del Listen to me - go in the kitchen and get a glass of water! Rodney Right! Rodney exits to kitchen. Albert You ain't giving her Andrews are you? Del Don't be a plonker, now phone the hospital, get on the blower, don't forget, call the maternity unit! Rodney pours a glass of water and drinks it himself. Rodney I'll hold the lift. I'll hold the lift. Del Yes. Deep breaths!! Deep breaths!! Albert is fumbling with the cordless phone. Albert How the bloody hell do these phones work??? Del Right, when did you start getting the pains darling? Anna They come this morning. Del This morning - don't worry, don't worry because the ambulance is gonna come any minute and don't worry. Just relax, everything's gonna be cushty! How are you getting on? Anna Del. Del It's alright darling. Anna Danke. Del That's alright. Vorsprung durch Technik! Anna cries out in pain. Del (Cont'd) Oooh don't. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. A WEEK LATER. Boycie is seated nervously on the sofa. Marlene paces the floor. Del pours himself a drink. Del Sit down Marlene, you're doing the Wilton up! Boycie Sit down Marlene!!!! Marlene sits. Marlene The baby's alright, ain't he Del? Del Yes, yes, Marlene, for the umpteenth time. You're gonna have a beautiful bouncing baby! Marlene What's he weigh? Del Dunno, he ain't stopped bouncing yet! Ain't stopped bouncing! Del laughs. Boycie and Marlene do not. Del (Cont'd) I don't know, seven pound something! Marlene We've decided to call him Mark! Del That's handy, 'cos his Dad's name was Spencer! The front door opens. Rodney Del. Del They're here, they're back. Here they are now! Just take it easy. Don't panic, alright? Calm down. Del exits to the hall. HALL. Del Everything alright Rodders? Rodney No, everything is not bloody alright! Del Sssshh! Boycie and Marlene are here. Rodney Oh, are they here already? Have you told them about their little boy? Del What about him? Rodney About him being a little girl. Del No, no, I haven't broken the news yet! How could that Anna do it to me? After all I've done for her! So what's wrong then? Rodney Well for one, Anna has fallen in love with her baby! But the most important thing... Del She's done what? Oh no, she can't do that to me. No she can't do - a deal's a deal! I'll sort it out. Rodney No you've got to listen... Anna enters with Albert. Del Get in - alright Albert? Alright, I'll sort it out. Here she is. Hello sweetheart, how you feeling? Anna Oh, I am fine thank you. Del Oh good. Anna I think maybe things are not cushty! I think maybe now I keep baby. Del No, no, no. You can't do that darling - no, no, no. Because you know, we'll have the VAT people round here. Come in, come in and I'll explain everything. Go on, go in there. Go on, in you go. LOUNGE. Del Put the baby down there. First of all these are the very nice people who are gonna buy...erm, erm, who are gonna look after your baby. There we are. Boycie Someone upset her? Del No, no, no. She's just got like baby blues that's all... Just a minute Boycie, I'm gonna have to come clean, you see the thing is, it's about your little boy - he ain't. Marlene Ain't what? Del Well, ain't a little baby boy. Boycie What is it then? Del A baby girl innit, eh? Boycie A girl? But you said she'd had a scan. Del I know what I told you, alright Boycie. I know I told you it was gonna be a boy but it ain't. Just keep your money the deal's off right. Marlene I don't care if it's a boy, a girl or twins! It's a baby. Boycie Alright Marlene, we'll take it. It's amazing innit? Everything you buy off him's got something missing! Marlene moves towards the cot. Del (To Albert) Alright, don't look at me like that. What else could I do? Albert No good asking me son. I ain't never flogged a baby before. Del Rodney, you know I was doing it for Anna weren't I? I was only tryin' help. Rodney What do you want, applause?? Del Alright sorry Boycie, sorry mate. Listen the deal's off, it's off alright. Boycie has now moved towards the cot. Boycie Is that right Del? The deal's off is it? Too bleedin right it's off. Del What are you talking about? What?! How?! Rodney That's the other thing I meant to tell you out there. You see Spencer's mummy and daddy came over in 1956 from the West Indies. Marlene Well it don't bother me Boyce. Boycie Leave off Marlene. The baby's brown. Marlene So is Duke. Boycie But I ain't claiming to be Duke's father. Albert There is a likeness though. Boycie Just shut it. Marlene We could say it's a throw- back. Boycie For Gawd's sake Marlene. I might be able to con people into buying cars. I might be able to convince 'em that you conceived and gave birth in seven days flat, but how the hell am I gonna persuade 'em that my grandad was Louis Armstrong!! You ain't heard the last of this Del Boy! Boycie exits. Marlene I s'pose he's right, eh Del? Del Yeah, yeah, you know it makes sense darling eh. Marlene Still, it was a nice little dream while it lasted, eh? I'm gonna turn round now, I'm gonna walk out that door ...and I ain't gonna look back. Del No, of course not. Marlene exits maternally. Anna starts crying, then the baby. Del (Cont'd) Gawd, women. Ssh Anna. Anna come out here, your baby's hungry. Quiet, quiet, your mummy's coming, yes she is. (To Baby) Ain't you got bright eyes, eh? Look at that. She's gonna be a blinder when she gets older, eh? Yes you is. (Tickling Baby) Coocky coochy coo! Coochy coochy coo...urgh!

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