Only Fools And Horses

To Hull And Back

CUSTOMS AREA. Among the passengers there is a well-dressed man carrying hand luggage. A short distance away is a well-dressed woman carrying a suitcase. Female Tannoy Announcer British Airways are pleased to announce the arrival of Flight 417 from Amsterdam. The man and the woman appear not to be together, though they share a tiny glance which indicates they know each other. As they enter the Customs area the woman's suit- case opens, spewing clothes onto the floor. She feigns a stumble. Two customs officers leave their post to give her assistance. Female Passenger Oh, I'm sorry. Male Airport Worker Are you alright madame? Female Passenger Oh, I'm sorry, I've spilled everything out of my case, I don't think the catch is working properly, I don't know what it is - thank you very much. As the customs officer assists her, the man walks through customs and out into the main airport foyer. THE NAG'S HEAD. The bar is packed. Albert is seated next to an elderly lady. They are trying to watch a film on TV depicting a black and white film about some Second World War naval battle. Rodney and Del are leaning against the bar. Del is not really listening to Rodney. Rodney So anyway, I says to her right, you know, I mean as gently as I could like I said, 'Engage- ment is a big step'. Del Yeah terrific, yeah right. Rodney I said you know, 'It's not the sort of thing you enter into very lightly'. Del No, no it isn't. Del reacts to some beer spilt on the bar which is now on his sleeve. Del (To a young rastafarian) Oh look at that. Oi, Calvin, spill your lager over this bar once more and I'll smack you right side of the bloody ear 'ole. Calvin Sorry Del man. Del This is not polyester you know, this is pure crimplene. Rodney As I was saying... Mike Have you seen Boycie Del? Del No no not recently, why? Mike Well he's looking for you, says it's urgent. Del Oh well, he knows where to find me Michael don't he eh? Knows where to find me. Rodney Now where was I? Del Hey, are you still going out with that little sort? Rodney Imogen, yeah, I'm still going out with her, that's what I've been telling you for the last ten minutes. Del Oh why, what's up then? Del calls across the bar. Del (cont'd) Hello Corrie love how are you alright? (To Rodney) Yeah, go on. Rodney She's getting a little bit too serious for my liking, and I'm trying to find a way of cooling her down a bit but I don't want to hurt her. Del All you've got to say is, you got to say, 'Imogen, you're giving me the right hump. Now go away and haunt someone else for a change!' Rodney Yeah that's pretty... Del innit? I don't believe you. Del You're too soft with her Rodney, you're too soft, that is your trouble. Look, here y'are, you get the drinks in 'cause I'm going to pop over there to do a bit of business. Rodney Vicky, can I have a pint of lager in there and what's Del drinking these days? Vicky Oh God knows, Tuesday it was a Bacardi and Russian, last week it was Grand Marnier and Orange, the week before that was Dubonnet and Coke. Rodney Oh, give us a Tia Maria and Lucozade then. Del is trying to sell a digital watch to one of his mates. Close by Albert and the elderly lady (Ruby) are still watching the war film. Del There you go look, it's fifteen quid, I can't say fairer than that - it's none of your foreign rubbish, look it's Japanese. Ted Del, I've already got a watch. Del Call that a watch? That's crap that is, that's crap. Ted You didn't say that when you sold it to me. Del No, no, Ted what I meant was, well, I mean its had it's day innit? Look, here, here, fifteen quid right, that's what I paid for it, you're getting it at cost. Ted Del, I don't fancy it. Del Alright then, for you, a tenner, as it's the last one. Ted Ten? Del Hm hm. Ted Here, it's got a scratch on the face. Del Oh don't worry about that I'll get you another one from the back of the van. Look it plays thirty-six different national anthems, it tells you what day of the week it is and it's a calculator an' all. Ted Blimey, is that the time? Del Oh no it's still set on Oriental hours innit? Get your money out, I'll be back in a tick. Back in a tick, I like it. Del Exits. Albert (Indicating battle on the TV) I was there Ruby. Ruby Where, yeah but which one were you then? Albert No, I didn't mean I was in the film, I meant I was in the battle. Ruby What battle is it? Albert God knows I can't hear a bleed- ing thing with all this monkey music. Ruby Must have taken a lot of cour- age to do what you did Albert? Albert Yeah. Ruby All them sharks and icebergs. Albert Yeah, and a giant octopus. Ruby Oh, it gives me itchy fever just thinking about it. Albert Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night screaming, nightmares about all the torpedoes, mines, kamikaze pilots - that's why I never talk about it Rube. Ruby My Harry used to wake up in the middle of the night screaming. Albert No. Ruby Yeah - sometimes he used to scream in the middle of the day. Bloody glad when they put him away I was. What did it was the tragedy that happened to our son. Harry just never got over it, he was such a lively lad, he went to school with Del Boy, they used to sit next to each other in class, Del must have mentioned it, Slater, Roy Slater. Albert Slater - don't remember Rube. Ruby No, well maybe it's still too painful for Del to talk about, he was only 18, he had all his life before him. Albert What was it a motor-cycle accident? Ruby No he, he joined the police, he's one of their top men now, he's put more people behind bars than Watneys. Del returns to the bar. Boycie and Abdul enter. Del I know it looks like...? That's why the girls...? Boycie. Boycie Can I have a quiet word? Del Yeah sure - watcha Abdul alright my son? Abdul Very well thank you. Del Hey, are you still up at that Hatton Garden are you? Abdul Yes, I am still at Hatton Garden. Could I have a word with you please? Del Yeah course you can, why not? Boycie We'll be in the back room. Del Oh, oh alright I'll just get me drink. (To Rodney) Here, I've got to do a bit of business with Boycie and Abdulla. Vicky takes Rodney's tenner and holds it up to the light. Del (cont'd) Oi, saucy mare. Vicky It's orders from the governor, there's a lot of forged money floating round. Del You didn't check his money just now. Vicky Yeah well, that's different innit? Del I'm going right off that girl - see you in a minute. Del sips his Tia Maria and Lucozade. He doesn't know what it is, but he likes it. Trigger enters. Trigger Alright Dave? Rodney Watcha Trig, how you going? Trigger Alright, I'm feeling lucky tonight, you never know I might pull so I thought I'd have a dab of Blue Stratos, put me best clothes on. Rodney Yeah, what stopped you then? Trigger These are my best clothes. Rodney Oh. A young attractive girl passes by. Trigger Hello darling, where you been all my life? Girl Piss off! Trigger I always use that line with the birds. Rodney Yeah? Why? Trigger Dunno really, it never worked. BACK ROOM OF THE NAG'S HEAD. Del, Boycie and Abdul are seated round the table. They are already in discussion. Del I see, so what sort of deal is it? Abdul I have recently made contact with a certain gentleman who runs this business in Amsterdam. Del Amsterdam - Amsterdam in Holland you mean? Boycie I told you he was the right man for the job, didn't I Abdul? Abdul My brother Sayeed has done business with him in the past. Do you know my brother lives in France now. Del No, no I didn't know that. Abdul Yes, yes, he's doing very well. Del Is he? Abdul Yeah, he's married now. Del Oh good. Abdul His wife's expecting. Boycie Get on with it Abdul for God's sake, otherwise we'll be here all bleeding night. Abdul Yes well, last week I flew to Amsterdam to see this gentleman in question, a Mr Van Cleef and after some preliminary discussions Mr Van Cleef has agreed to sell us some merchandise. Del Merchandise, what sort of mer- chandise? Boycie Diamonds. Del Diamonds? Abdul Thirty of them cut and polished blue diamonds. Boycie Top of the range Del Boy. Del Blimey, it's going to cost an arm and a leg innit? Boycie Fifty grand. Del Fifty grand, you and Abdul are weighing out fifty grand? Abdul In England they have a market value of one hundred and fifty thousand pounds. Del Bloody hell - I take it you're not going to bother to inform our friends at Customs and Excise of this little matter? Boycie No, well they're rather busy. I think they'd appreciate it. Del Really? Well anyway where do I come into all this? You're not expecting me to buy any off you are you? The thing is you know, I've had a few bad results lately and I'm potless. Boycie Leave off Del Boy, these gems sell at around five grand apiece. Abdul What we are asking you to do Derek is - is to take the money to Amsterdam for us. Del You want me to take fifty thousand pounds to Amsterdam? Boycie Yeah and... Del And what? Boycie And bring the diamonds back. Del Do you know for a minute there I thought you were serious. Boycie We are very serious Del, deadly serious. Abdul There is nothing to worry about Derek, Mr Van Cleef has completed many of these transactions and he assures us nothing ever goes wrong. Del Up your kilt. What do you think I am? A total wally or some- thing? Abdul We would look after you Derek. Del Yes, I'm sure you would. You'd visit me once a month wouldn't you eh? Bring me cakes with files in - you find yourself another mug. Boycie We'll give you ten grand. Del who was about to leave, stops at the door. He's never been offered ten grand before. He's never seen ten grand before. Del Ten thousand pounds? Abdul Alright twelve. (To Boycie) I knew he'd haggle. Boycie You berk Abdul. Alright Del twelve grand. Just think of it Del Boy twelve big 'uns - set you up a treat for the future. Abdul And there will be no problems, it will all be as easy as apple tart. Del Well if it's as easy as apple tart how come you two ain't going yourselves? Boycie Well we're both scared of fly- ing ain't we? Del Oh leave it out Boycie, Abdul's done more flying than sparrows. Abdul No, no, no, no, it would look very suspicious for me a registered Hatton Garden merchant to fly to Amsterdam too often. Del I don't know about this. Boycie Look Del, we chose you specially, we needed someone we knew, someone we could trust. Abdul Someone who was skint. Del What happens if I get caught? Boycie Well Abdul and me have done our money haven't we? Del Done your money, your money? I stand to get banged up for five years. Boycie Right Del - fifteen grand. There is a short pause. Del Not much use to you when you're locked up in the Scrubs though is it eh? Abdul We are paying you to take the risk Derek. Boycie It's a big gamble Del - and he who dares wins donít he? 'Course if it's too big for you Del, if you think you're a bit out of your depth just say so. Del Fifteen. THE BAR OF THE NAG'S HEAD. Rodney See my problem is I don't want to hurt her, 'cause Imogen's a lovely kid you know, I mean she's gentle, she's sensitive and on top of all that she cares. Trigger I reckon she'd do a turn if you played your cards right. Rodney What's the point in discussing it with you eh Trig? We're talking on two different levels. Trigger Yeah. Del exits from the back room. Albert is still chatting with Ruby. Albert Two and a half weeks we were adrift in the middle of the Pacific Ocean - got a nice tan though. Del Come on Albert we're going home. Quick Rodney, come on, home. Rodney Well suppose I ought to be getting on really - give Imogen a ring, tell her it's all over between us. Sorry can I just get past you? Rodney pushes past some people including a kissing couple. He reaches for his coat near the kissing couple. Rodney (cont'd) Sorry. Sorry, I was just trying to...Hello Imogen. THE MARKET. Del and Rodney are unloading the van. Rodney Look, I know what you're doing, I just don't understand why? Del Mum said to me on her death- bed, she said 'Del Boy' she said. Rodney No, no, don't start on that. What do you think the odds are of you getting caught? Del Oh shut up Rodney, you've been going on about it all night. Rodney Del, you are smuggling diamonds. Del Do you think you could yell just a bit louder, 'cause there's a geezer down there at the other end of the market who didn't quite catch it all? Rodney Del, do you realise what you're getting into? Del Yes I do know what I'm getting into, fifteen grand is what I'm getting into. Look Rodney, this is not drugs or guns is it? I mean that, that sort of stuff kills people - it's only little diamonds - I try to bring down the cost of getting engaged, I thought you and Imogen would have been pleased. Rodney Yeah well, me and Imogen's finished. Del Oh so you finally told her then did you? Rodney Yeah, sort of. Del Did she cry? Rodney No, look Del smuggling diamonds is still illegal. Del It's only illegal because Boycie and Abdul ain't paying any import tax. Alright, right, supposing they pay import tax then eh? What do you think the government is going to do with that - they're only going to go out and buy another Strident missile ain't they eh? Rodney So you're telling me that smuggling diamonds is a blow for world peace? Del Every little bit helps Rodney. Rodney Well why don't you bring back a load of diamonds Del? You might end up with the Nobel Prize. Del Hadn't thought of that. Now come on Rodney we'll waltz through the customs at Gatwick, they wouldn't take any notice of us. Rodney Del, what do you know about diamonds eh, I mean to you diamonds are them things that you wear in your cufflinks and, to be quite honest with you I've seen better cats eyes. Del I don't have to know anything, Abdul's in charge of that side, we're just the couriers. Rodney Hang on a minute - what do you mean we? Del Look, you don't think I'm going to cut my little kid brother out of a deal like this do you? What sort of bloke do you think I am? Rodney Well your little kid brother don't want a cut in. Del A little while ago you said you wanted to be a courier. Rodney Yeah, for Club 18-30. Del Look, I'm going to need you on this one Rodney 'cause when that aeroplane lands you're going to be my diversion. Rodney Do you know how long I'd go away for, I've already got a record for possession of cannabis, ain't I? Del Exactly, and that is what's going to be my diversion 'cause not only is Amsterdam the centre of the diamond trade, it's also the drugs capital of Europe right? So when we go through passport control they see Rodney Trotter nipping off to Holland they're going to say, 'Oh, that little rascal he's after the old exotic stuff again'. When we come back through Customs who are they going to nab, me the sophisticated jet- setter in a camel-hair coat, or you the boomtown rat? Rodney Well they'll pull me won't they? Del So whilst you're inside being strip searched you know and all that game - me and the diamonds have been having it away down the kermit! Rodney Oh terrific, so while you're up the road jollying it up, it's touch your toes time for Rodney. Del Oh you won't come to any harm Rodney, it'll only be a minor discomfort - they'll let you go in a couple of hours and then you come home to five lovely grand - your share. Rodney Five grand? Del Five grand. Buy an awful lot of lollypops for five grand Rodney, get yourself a nice second-hand Capri, whip round to Imogens, get your old card stamped, know what I mean? Rodney I don't know, I've never actually been to Amsterdam, I suppose we could turn it into a bit of an 'oliday, eh? Del Well, yeah, I mean we'll be there at least an hour. Look come on while you're thinking about it let's try and knock some of this gear out and make some of that stuff that we read about called profit 'cause if all this falls through bruv we are right skint. As Del turns away, Denzil is seated at the wheel of a juggernaut, caught in traffic. Del Denzil my son. Denzil No. Del No what? Denzil No I don't want to buy any- thing, no I don't want to sell anything and no I don't want you to make me a millionaire! Del Innit, innit marvelous eh? Innit marvelous? You just stop to say hello to an old mate and all you get is a load of old verbal - I don't want anything Denzil honest. What you carrying? Denzil Nothing it's empty. Del Ah well, I could fill it up or you. You could earn yourself a few bob. Denzil Look, just leave me alone will you, alright? Corinne and I have just got back together again and I've had to promise her that I'd stop seeing you, stop getting drunk, stop gambling and get a steady job. Del Is it my fault you married a wrong 'un? It's no reason to give me a bolly. Hang about there for a minute, I'll be back. Denzil (To Rodney) It's everywhere I go you know, he's on the phone to me, he's at me front door, he's in the betting shop, he's in the pub and now he's in a bloody traffic jam. You know what Rodney, I get this feeling that he's haunting me, know what I mean? Rodney Yeah - yeah I know exactly what you mean. Denzil drives off as Del returns. Del Hey what's up with him, what have I done now? Rodney I can't understand it Del, I mean all you've ever done is ruin his wedding reception, almost break up his marriage, flood his kitchen and steal his two thousand pounds redundancy money, and he goes and gets all silly about it. Del Yeah. THE MARKET (PROPER). Del has the suitcase open. There are watch cases inside. Del These are Japanese and these... (Rolls his trouser leg up) ...are hairy knees. Right, now now what's the difference, I'll tell you what the differ- ence is - (Indicates his knee) These will not give you the time in all the major capital cities of the world, neither are they a calculator, nor do they play thirty-six different national anthems, but this... (Indicates a watch) ...well this is a quality timepiece of precision crafts- manship that will cost you sixty-seven pounds upwards - now, I'm not going to ask you for sixty-seven pounds oh no, I'm not going to ask you for forty-seven, I'm not asking thirty-seven pounds. Rodney Steady on Del, think of the profit margin. Del No no don't interrupt me now Rodney 'cause not while I'm in my stride, I'm not asking you for twenty-seven pounds, this is fifteen pounds for this quality watch ladies and gentlemen, that's all, this beautiful timepiece, yes ladies and gentlemen for a mere twenty quid. Woman in Crowd No no you said fifteen. Del I beg your pardon madame. Woman in Crowd You said fifteen. Del No I didn't. The Crowd Yes. Del No I didn't. Rodney He didn't say fifteen pounds. Del Hold on, hold on Rodney, no hold on, I do believe that I said fifteen pounds, I'm sorry, I must be going mad, I'm sure I said, I'm going, alright darling just to show you that I'm a man of my word, go on you can have this watch for fifteen quid, go on, steal it from me. Go on, I'm losing money on the deal, right Rodney come on, get the rest of the watches out of this suitcase, 'cause there'll be a mad rush in a minute. (To Rodney) Oh they're not going all that well are they? Rodney They're going down like savel- oys in a kibbut. Del If I could just sell one I know that the others would follow... Here just a minute I've had an idea, watch this... (To Crowd) Right here you are, listen ladies and gentlemen, listen, listen, excuse me just a moment, give us, give us your time 'cause I've just had a business discussion with my partner here on my right who informs me that we desperately need the space in the suitcase right? So what I am going to have to do, I'm going to have to give these watches away so here you go, I'm going to give them away at ten pounds each there you go, go on, ten quid, fifteen quid to the black bloke can't say fairer than that. Black Man Why can't I have it for ten pounds then? Del For ten pounds sir, course you can. Rodney take this man's money, there you go, there we've sold that one, there we go, we're off and running, there we are, come on darling, cast your bread upon the water, that's what I say, it'll come back tenfold. That's it, there you are, alright listen - give us your money, take the money. A policeman approaches. Del closes the case. Del (cont'd) Alright, listen, hang about we'll be back in five minutes alright. Del and Rodney hurry off. Del (cont'd) (To Rodney) Don't look back! They run back to the van, as they do Slater and Hoskins appear. Slater Del Boy. Del Slater. Slater Well what a coincidence, I was just saying to Hoskins I wonder how my old mate Del Boy is, weren't I Hoskins? Hoskins Eh? Oh yes sir. Slater How are you Rodney? Rodney Very well thank you Detective Inspector. Slater Chief Inspector. Rodney Sorry, I didn't know you'd been promoted. Slater Yeah about six months back - I took Hoskins with me, he's my driver. Del Oh, driver - everyone always said you'd be going places Terry. Hoskins Going places - oh yeah. Del Here I saw your mum down the Nag's Head last night Slater. Slater Yeah - she ask after me? Del No. Slater Do you fancy a cup of tea Del? Del Ah, actually Roy we're in a bit of a hurry if you don't mind. Slater I don't think you heard the question Del, I said do you fancy a cup of tea? Del Well now you come to mention it, I am a bit parched. SID'S CAFE. Del is seated opposite to Rodney at the table, the suit- case is at their feet. Slater and Hoskins are at the counter. Sid puts four teas on the counter. Sid There you go Detective Inspec- tor. Slater Chief. Sid What? Slater I'm a chief now. Slater turns to get some spoons. Sid I'll be bleeding glad when Custer arrives. Hoskins smiles and then takes the teas to the table. Del Watch what you say Rodney, that Slater's a bastard. Rodney Eh? Del I said... Del quietens as Hoskins approaches. Hoskins Watch what you say, Slater's a bastard. Rodney Yeah I remember him from the last time. Hoskins He's on the warpath now, he's retiring soon and wants to go out in a blaze of glory. Del Retiring - that's a bit early innit? Hoskins He's had no choice, it's come from the top they're forcing him out. See, a little while ago Slater persuaded this young black fella to sign a full confession to being a peeping tom - when the case gets to court it turns out he's a registered blind person - bad publicity for the police innit? Rodney What about the poor black bloke? Hoskins Oh he's not too upset they reckon he might get a record contract out of it, sh... Hoskins stops as Slater arrives. Slater There you are Hoskins, bacon sandwich for you - are you sure you didn't want nothing to eat? Del Yeah yeah, quite sure, we're not all that hungry actually Roy. Anyway, what you doing back in the parish? Thought you'd been transferred to river police. Slater No not transferred no, that was just a special assignment, I was after this little gang of diamond smugglers. Del Any luck? Slater Oh I caught them Del yes, even nabbed the ringleader, a geezer called Hendrix. They got away though, lack of evidence. Del That's a choker innit? Slater Oh, I'll have him down. Rodney What, they still doing it then? Slater How many times have you almost? Hoskins Twice. Slater Twice that's right but each time they've somehow managed to get shot of the diamonds - if you haven't got them, you've got no evidence. Del No no. Slater Between you and me Del I've heard a whisper they're trying it on again. A couple of local businessmen shall we say have put the money up and we know who they are don't we Hoskins? Hoskins Boycie and... Slater Hoskins. Hoskins Sorry sir. Slater But I don't know who the courier is, now unless I can catch the courier with the stones on him I'm knackered - this is where you come in Del. Del Me? You don't think I'm the courier do you? Slater Leave off Del, this is big - no, the way I see it is this you hear all the gossip in the clubs and the pubs, now it's no skin of your nose if you ring me with a name, after all these businessmen ain't puttin' no money your way are they? Del No. Slater You don't even have to say who's calling, make in anony- mously, and I will make life very comfortable for you, no more aggro from wooden-tops in the market. Del That's very fair of you Roy, innit? Rodney Oh yeah, very fair. Slater This is my lat case Del, I'm retiring form the Met. Del Oh. Slater The Commissioner begged me to stay but I've had enough, I want my career to end on a high note. Del Yeah, well 'course we wish you a lot of luck Slater. Slater I'll get 'em in the end Del, I never give up you see once I get my teeth into something I don't let go - do you know what they call me at the Met? Del No. Slater Bulldog. Del Oh - actually I have heard one or two people call you bulldog or words to that effect anyway. Slater That's the sort of guy I am, I never give up, so if you hear anything Del, you know my number. Well it's been nice, like old school days you and me sat at the same desk - only this time you didn't put frogspawn in me milk - you rascal. (Calls) Do you want me to pay for my breakfast Sid or what? Sid No, have it on the house Mr Slater. Slater Very nice of you Sidney, very nice indeed. You'd better pay for your breakfast Hoskins. Hoskins Thank you sir. Hoskins moves to the counter. Rodney So you don't know if this courier is a man or a woman. Slater No, I hadn't thought of that, that's very good thinking Rodney. Have you ever thought about joining the police? Rodney No, I'm ambitious. Slater Ha ha, very good - no all I know is that he or she will be flying in with the goods next week and I'll be waiting for them. Sid hands Hoskins his change. Sid There you go young Terry. Hoskins Thanks Sid. Slater and Hoskins exit. Rodney Well that's that then, innit? Del How do you mean? Rodney You can't go head with it now can you? Slater's got all the airports covered. Del He can't watch the airports twenty-four hours a day can he eh? Have to find another way of sneaking in? Del moves to the telephone on the wall. Sid You owe me thirty-two pence Del. Del Eh? No no, Mr Slater paid for ours. Sid Oh. BOYCIE'S OFFICE. Boycie is with a middle-aged couple extolling the virtues of one of his cars. Boycie Oh yes it has a full service record, taxed till the end of the month, it'll have no trouble passing its MOT. Boycie's young car-cleaner Colin exits from the office and calls. Colin Boyce someone on the phone wants you. Boycie Who is it? Colin Don't know. Boycie Would you just say that I'm rather busy with some clients at the moment please Colin? Colin He said it's something to do about diamonds. Boycie I'll be right there. (To the couple) Yes it's the new Austin Diamond coming out next year, still in the experimental stage - do excuse me Mr Biggastaff? Boycie picks up the phone. Boycie Yeah, what up? Del It's Del Boy. Listen, I've just had a very interesting conversation with Chief Inspector Slater, you know bullshit of the yard. Boycie Slater? What's he want? Del He knows. Boycie How? Del Look, I don't know do I? He's got more grasses than Fisons. Boycie Well how much does he know? Del Well he knows...He knows that you and Abdul have put the money up. Boycie I don't believe it. Well, we can't pull out now Del, Abdul's just made all the arrangements with Van Cleef. Del Alright, alright listen, don't panic, don't panic - he doesn't know who the courier is, that's what he was pumping me about so I'm the last bloke he suspects. Boycie Yeah well, it's alright for you I've still got fifty grand in my house, if Slater comes sniff-ing around how am I going to explain that away. No - we've got to meet tonight, I'll give you the money and Abdul can make the final arrangements. Del Right, where shall we meet, your place? Boycie You must be joking, my house might be under surveillance, we can't meet at Abdul's either for the same reason. Del How about my flat? Boycie You don't honestly think I'm going to walk across your estate with fifty grand on me do you? Del You've got a point. What about the Nag's Head? Boycie Leave off, he knows that's our local - anyway we can't meet in any public places, he sees the three of us together he's got he full story. We've got to come up with somewhere dark and secluded, somewhere where we can lock the doors and be on our own and nobody will be able to se us. Del I know just the place. Boycie Yeah, where? THE BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Boycie and Abdul are in the back. Boycie carries a suit- case. Boycie The back of Denzil's bleeding lorry, I mean what a place to hold a meeting. Abdul Personally I think it's a good idea - as Derek said this is the last place Slater would think of looking. Boycie Yeah but I'm going to get grease stains on my coat, I am going to look a right mess. I mean what has Denzil had in here? Smells like rotten fish. Abdul Oh, stop your whining Boycie, you're like an old woman at times. LORRY PARK. The three-wheeled van pulls in to park and halts fifty yards away from the juggernaut. Del alight. He spots Boycie's Mercedes. Del Right they're here - about five minutes. Spot any danger give us a signal, right? Rodney Oi, what's the signal then? Del You what? Rodney Shall I beep the hooter? Del No you wally, that'll attract all sorts of unwanted attention wouldn't it, eh? Rodney Well shall I flash the light? Del How are we going to see flash- ing lights when we're in the back of a ruddy trailer? Rodney Alright then, so what's the signal? Del Can you make a sound like an owl? Rodney An owl sound? Del Yes you know like this? Del makes a owl impression. Rodney Oh that? Del Yeah. Rodney No. Del Oh. Rodney I can do bunny shadows though. Del Enough of your bloody sarcasm Rodney, just think of a signal - back in a minute. Del moves towards the trailer. BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Abdul You don't think Slater suspects anything else do you? Boycie No, if he'd suspected that he'd have been round with a search warrant by now. Del 'Ello 'elo 'ello, what are you doing in here then? Boycie Get in here for God's sake will you? Del Cor, it don't half hum in here don't it? Alright Abdul, got everything sorted out? Abdul Yes the arrangements have all been made. Boycie Of all the places on earth, why in God's name do we have to meet in the back of a stinking lorry? Del Oh dear - look around you, can you think of a better place eh? Look, no prying eyes, no plain clothes coppers, nobody knows we're in here. Boycie What, do you mean Denzil don't know? Del Course he don't, leave it out, he'd go diddley - no apart from Rodney out there in a van we're the only three people in the world who know we're in here. SLATER'S OFFICE. Slater is on the phone. Hoskins is putting some files away. Slater Alright, alright, leave it to me. Slater replaces the receiver. He takes his coat. Slater (cont'd) Get your coat and a uniformed officer Hoskins. Hoskins Where are we off to sir? Slater Transport Cafe in Soweto Road, one of the neighbours reported seeing three men breaking into a lorry. Hoskins Righto sir. Parker, geta car morning about the date, the round to the front. BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Abdul I spoke to Mr Van Cleef this morning about the date, the venue and the time of the exchange and you must be very clear about these matters Derek, so listen carefully. The exchange will take place this coming Friday at twelve noon. Del Twelve noon right. Abdul That's right - now here is the address in Amsterdam, memorize it and then destroy it. Del Doesn't self destruct then? Boycie Be serious Del, please. Friday at twelve right. Del Alright, alright - got it. Abdul My cousin, Hussein, will meet you in Van Cleef's office. Del Your cousin - stone me Abdul your family get everywhere don't they, got a brother in France, cousin in Holland. Sure you ain't got no one out in outer Mongolia? Abdul A very distant uncle, but we never talk about it. My cousin is also a diamond merchant, he will be there to check the merchandise. Boycie Don't want you coming back with a load of Mickey Mouse gear, do we Del Boy? Del Watch it Boycie, my mum gave me them. Boycie Oh. Del's alright, so come on where's the money, where's the money? Boycie hands Del the briefcase. Boycie There's fifty grand there Del Boy, please be careful with it. Del Trust me Boycie. Boycie Of course we trust you. Del What's the combination to this? Boycie When you get to Van Cleef's office you phone me and then I'll give the combination. Del Oh that's terrific, that's a great deal of trust that is, innit eh? Abdul One thing we forgot to men- tion, the most important thing of all, if anything should go wrong, nothing can go wrong, but if it should, you never heard of us. Del Terrific - that means I'm up on offer don't it eh? Boycie That's what we're paying you fifteen grand for. Del Alright, alright don't worry, won't be no comebacks. What about the expenses for these aeroplane tickets? Abdul Tickets!? You only need one Derek. Del No, I'm taking my kid brother with me. Boycie Taking Rodney, what is this a bloody outing? Del No - Rodney is going to be my diversion for when I come back through the Customs - look, it's going to be hard enough with Slater and the 7th Cavalry ferreted about amongst all the duty frees, don't make it any harder. Abdul Very well we will pay the expenses, it's alright. Boycie Don't lump 'em up too much though. Del No, alright. Boycie Right, I'm off. Del Are you? I wondered what the smell was. Alright. Abdul Right we'll see you next Friday when you return - good luck Derek. Boycie Best of luck Del Boy. Del And you. Boycie Give us a minute to get clear. LORRY PARK Rodney is in the van reading a magazine. He sees Boycie and Abdul jump down from the trailer and get into Boycie's Mercedes. They drive off, just as a Panda car roars into the park. Slater Park down there. Hoskins check over the back there. The three check beneath the lorries. Rodney gently winds the window down. He cups his hands together and does his best impression of an owl hoot. It sounds more like a ruptured seagull. Parker What was that sir? Slater Don't know, sounded like a crow. Rodney (Offended) Crow!? BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Del moves to the trailer door. He sees the blue flashing light on the Panda car. Del Oh my God! Oh God, they'll throw the bloody key away. Del closes the door quickly. LORRY PARK. Slater Go on get on with it or we'll never get home tonight. Parker Not yet sir. Slater gestures towards the trailer. Slater Hoskins, Parker. Hoskins' torch fall on the trailer's open latch. Hoskins This looks promising sir. Slater Take over Hoskins. Hoskins Alright parker. Parker Me? Parker pulls the door open. He shines his torch into the empty trailer. Apart from some tarpaulin, the trailer is empty. Hoskins What is that? Parker I don't know but whatever it is, it's been dead for a fortnight. Slater Right, we'll have a quick shufti over the back then we'll call it a night. He slams the latch into the locked position. Slater (cont'd) Some of these lorry drivers invite crime don't they? They exit. In the trailer Del hurls the tarpaulin back - a great cloud of cigar smoke billows out. Del is coughing and gasping for air. He staggers to the trailer door only to find it is locked tight. Rodney is still in the van. He reacts as Denzil, ghetto blaster playing, exits from the cafe and approaches the juggernaut. Rodney can see both Denzil and the police. Rodney (Hisses) Denzil, Denzil, Denzil. Denzil climbs into the cab. Del is trying to force the doors as the engine starts. Del Denzil, Denzil, Denzil, wait I'm in here. Is that you? Denzil you plonker. The juggernaut moves off. Rodney is desperately trying to start the van. Rodney Oh come on please, please, I'll clean ya, I'll clean ya. It starts and Rodney sets off in pursuit. Denzil has the radio blaring and is blissfully unaware of what is happening. Del is swaying in the back. Del Denzil, Denzil this is your friend speaking - I'll do you when I get hold of you. SLATER'S OFFICE. Slater and Hoskins enter. Slater Bloody hoax phone calls, my last station I had to put up with jokers. Get to your desk Hoskins, might have had some new reports. Hoskins No, nothing yet sir. Slater I want a watch put on Boycie and Abdul, I want to know everywhere they go, everything they do - got to make their move soon. Who's the courier Hoskins? I know who's putting the money up, what they're buying and who from but I don't know who's bringing it in. Hoskins Bound to be local sir. Slater Oh yeah wouldn't go far out- side the parish, got to have someone they can trust - but who? Hoskins It's a mystery sir - no one's behaving in an unusual manner, well no more unusual than normal - everyone's just carrying on the same. Slater Except the Trotters - went round the estate their van's missing, toured the area, no sign of it. Policeman Maybe it's been nicked sir. Slater Nicked? If someone's nicked that three-wheel van of theirs we've got a dangerous maniac on our hands. Ha ha ha. Policeman Take your point sir. Slater Something's just struck me Hoskins, maybe we've been underestimating Del Boy. All these years he may have been fooling us with his 9 carat gold and his wide-awake suits, I mean Del Boy's well acquainted with the ways of this world - he knows all the wrinkles, he invented a lot of them himself, and his soppy brother has got GCEs. Hoskins What are you trying to say sir? Slater What I'm saying is Hoskins, maybe them two's more intelli- gent than we've given them credit for, yeah, it's all beginning to fit. The Dutch firm are the suppliers, Boycie and Abdul are the money men and the Trotters are the brains. Hoskins You could be right sir. Slater I was only joking Hoskins, for God's sake ain't you got no sense of humour? Hoskins Sorry sir. BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER. Del, exhausted and sweating and being flung about, is banging with both fists on the trailer's walls. Del Denzil, Denzil, Denzil...? A motorway sign indicates 'The North.' The juggernaut roars past. Shortly after the van passes. In the cab of the lorry Denzil places a cigarette in his mouth. There is a distant muffled sound - Del shouting. The cigarette falls from Denzil's mouth. The haunting has now begun. He switches the radio back on. The van passes the motorway sign, backfiring. The juggernaut crosses the Humber Bridge. Denzil pulls up at a toll booth. Man at Toll Bridge Cheers. He drives off. The van crosses the bridge. It draws to a halt at a toll booth. Man at Toll Bridge That's a pound. Rodney What? Man at Toll Bridge I said that's a pound. Rodney I've got 75 pence. Man at Toll Bridge Well that's not a pound is it? Rodney Oh no, but this has only three wheels. The man at Toll Bridge indicates a silhouette of a car on a sign. Man at Toll Bridge That's only got two but it's still a pound. Rodney finds the coins and hands it to the attendant. Man at Toll Bridge (cont'd) By the way be careful where you dump that thing will you? Rodney Funny innit? I'm laughing, look. Rodney drives off. THE DOCKSIDE CAFE. Denzil's lorry is parked outside. Inside, weary from his night's drive, Denzil rests his head on his hands. Lil, the woman who runs the cafe, approaches the table. Lil There's your tea Denzil. Denzil Ta. Lil Don't you want that breakfast? Denzil Course I do, just a bit drowsy that's all. Lil You've been overworking love, I've seen it before with your lorry drivers trying to work 25 hours a day. I know the money is good lovely, but you'll get no overtime in the mortuary. Denzil I'm always like this after a night drive. Lil You're looking very tired lovely, you're dark round the eyes. Denzil I'm dark around everywhere Lil. Listen, don't you worry about me, I'm a big, strong lad you know, I'll prove it to you. Lil I'm not talking about physical illness, there's no knowing what lack of sleep and over- work does to the brain. I've seen it happen to them lovely. Denzil Seen what happen? Lil Young fit men, went to pieces, started hearing things and seeing things - you slow down lovely, or you'll go the same way. Denzil thinks about her words then shrugs them off. As he picks up a mouthful of food the yellow van drives slowly past the window. Denzil sees the van in the mirror. He looks around but the van is gone. CAFE CAR PARK. Rodney has pulled in behind the juggernaut. He opens the trailer door. Del is crumpled up asleep at the front of the trailer. Del wakes. Rodney Del. Del Is that you Rodney? Rodney Yeah, it's me. Del I knew you'd come and save me, you're a saint Rodders, oh, you're a 42-carat saint. Rodney Come on, let's get you out of here. Del Thank you, oh, oh - it's been a nightmare Rodney, a bloody nightmare. Camp on Blood Island was a doddle compared with that. Rodney Look, do you want something to eat or a cup of tea? Del No. It's alright, we ain't got time for all that, we've got to get the aeroplane tickets and the lot ain't we eh? Come on let's go, come on Rodney, come on. Del looks around at the ships, the sea etc. He looks alarmed. Del (cont'd) Where the bloody hell am I? Rodney Hull. Del Oh. Hull - what Hull in what's its name? Rodney Yorkshire, yeah. Del What the bloody hell am I doing in Hull? Rodney Well this is where Denzil brought you innit? He's most probably got a load to pick up. Del That bloody half-head Denzil, I'll get him, just see if I don't. Rodney Oi, don't you think you ought to have a rest eh, get your strength back? Del No I don't Rodney, just get me back to Peckham as soon as possible otherwise I'll be saying hey-up and breeding whippets before I'm very much older - come on. They get into the van. Rodney tries to start it with little success. Del is looking out at the ships. We can sense his brain ticking over. Del Switch that off Rodney - take a look. Rodney What? Del Boats. Rodney Oh yeah. Del Big boats, little boats. Rodney Yeah there's a red one, a white one look. Del Don't you see Rodney? Rodney See what? Del Slater has got all the air- ports covered. Why has he got all the airports covered? 'Cause that's how he thinks we're getting back into the country. Rodney Yeah - but that's how we are getting back in the country. Del Not anymore we ain't, we're going by boat. Rodney Oh yes like it Derek, yeah, we get the Ferry. Del Not the Ferry you plonker, the Customs there are going to be just as bad as they are at the airports. No we're going to sail across in our own little boat. Rodney Sorry? Del We're going to sail out of here to Holland and back again and no one will be any the wiser. Rodney We...we are going, in the sea? Del Hm, Rodney, it's not far look it's only across the water there look innit eh? I mean, I remember seeing it on the map it's only, only that far. Del holds thumb and forefinger an inch apart to indicate distance. Rodney Derek, we'll die. Del No it'll be a piece of cake, we'll be in and out of there like a sour plum. Rodney Del, we don't know the first thing about sailing a boat. Del Oh Rodney, Rodney, use your filbert - I'm going to get one with an engine. Del walks off leaving Rodney in the van. DOCKSIDE. Del is checking name plates on doors. A group of men cross a zebra crossing. Del walks with them.. Denzil stops at the crossing in his lorry. Del is behind the men, partly hidden. Denzil reacts horrified at this apparition. He puts his hand over his eyes and shakes his head. He looks up again. The men disperse but there is no sign of Del ALLEY/DOCKSIDE. Del arrives at the end of the alley and enters the quay side. A boat owner is repairing a boat. Del Ahoy there, shipmate. Boatman. Morning. Del Any idea where I could hire a boat round here? Boatman You want to hire a boat? Del Yeah. Boatman What kind of boat? Del Er, schooner. Boatman Schooner? Del With an engine. Boatman Schooner with an engine - follow me shipmate, I might have just the thing for you. Del Oh tally-ho. ON BOARD THE INGE. Del, Rodney and the boat owner are on deck. Del Well Rodney, what do you reckon? Rodney What - this boat's got wood- worm. Del No that's not woodworm, that's just um, it's - what is that? Boatman That's where the ropes have worn it away through the years. Del Just where the rope has worn it away through the years, it's sort of wear and tear innit? Rodney And we're supposed to sail to Holland in this thing? Boatman This is a sturdy vessel sir, built of very mature timber. Rodney In other words, it's old. Del Well the old 'uns are the best 'uns Rodney. Rodney We're talking about boats now Del, not your birds. Del Oi, don't push your luck you saucy git. Boatman I'll leave you two alone to discuss it - I'll be over here. Boatman exits. Rodney Right. Del Yeah, okay yes, ahoy there shipmate, we'll be ashore in a minute. Rodney Yeah, we'll go ashore what, about 7 bells eh Del? Will you pipe him ashore or shall I? Del I'm beginning to lose my temper Rodney - you'll cop an unfortunate one in a minute. The boatman approaches a friend. Boatman 2 You're really not letting your boat out to them southern nancies are you? Boatman Oh aye. Boatman 2 You'll never se it again. Boatman That vessel's worth ten grand - at least that's what it says in the insurance paper. Del and Rodney are still conferring. Del Come on Rodney, we can do it, you know he who dares wins. Look, I got the right price from the owner and everything. Rodney Del, I'll tell you now there's no way us two can sail this thing to Holland and back. Del What? Us two, you think that... that we're going to sail it... is that what you thought, that us pair of wallies are going to take this thing out on the high seas. Rodney Well yeah. Del Course we're not. No, I'm going to get us a skipper, and experienced man to do the sailing. Rodney So there's going to be someone in charge? Del Of course there is - you didn't think I was going to risk our lives did you? Come here you dipstick. HULL RAILWAY STATION Albert, complete with duffle-bag, alights from the train. Rodney Dear God. Del Oh, leave it out Rodney, that is England's greatest little sailor since Nelson lost the Armada. Albert approaches. Albert Ahoy there. Del Yeah, yeah, ship ahoy. Rodney Del, every single ship or vessel that man has ever sailed on has sunk. Del I know, luck's got to change sometime innit Rodney? Alright Uncle Albert? Albert All shipshape and bristle fashion. Del He's got all the dialogue ain't he? Good good come on then. Right now listen - did you bring the passport? Albert In the old duffle bag. Del Good good - did you bring some clothes? Albert I threw some on me old jumpers in. Del Lovely - did you bring our clothes? Albert Did you want me to bring you some then? Del Oh, what do you think I phoned you about? Albert I thought you meant my clothes. Rodney We haven't had a wash or change of clothes for two days now. Albert Well how am I supposed to know that? Rodney Well it don't take a lot of working out does it? Del Oi, oi, oi, you two - alright calm down, calm down, don't worry we'll sort something out. Right come on skipper, let's show you your vessel. Albert Yeah I'd like to look her over Del make sure she meets with my approval. Del Bleeding shame if she don't because we sail in half an hour. HULL DOCKSIDE. The boat is sailing up an narrow strip of water. Albert is in the wheelhouse. Del is directing him from the bow. Del Albert slow down, you're going too fast. You're going too fast, slow down, don't...right, right a bit. Albert Eh? Del To your right. Albert You mean starboard? Del I mean right - don't start all that Captain Birdseye bloody cobblers, I said right. Rodney is in the cabin. He is tying up his life-jacket. Del Now you've gone too far now, you're too far don't...come on, come over to your left, there - I said...I said left. Albert That's portside. Del I'll come up there and punch you in the bloody nose in a minute - when I say left I mean left. Mind...mind this little boat down there. Albert Eh? Del Watch, watch this, watch this little boat down - sorry ship- mate. What did you say pal? And to you sir, cheeky git. Alright come, come to your right again now Albert, you're doing very well. Not, no no. What are you doing up there, you got Saint Vitus Dance or what? Look come right again. Denzil is strolling along the shore. He is a very worried man. Denzil It's overwork that's all, too many hours in that lorry cab, all you need is a bit of relaxation and some fresh air, that's all. He sits down and takes a deep lungful of fresh air. He looks out to sea. His expression changes. The boat is sailing out of the estuary. Del is at the bow looking out to sea. Denzil (cont'd) Gordon Bennett. I'm sick. I'm sick. oh. Back on the boat, Rodney climbs up from the cabin. Rodney I feel sick Del. Del What? Leave it out you tart, we've only just started, that was only just a little ripple. Wait till we get out there on the big waves, we'll be going up and down and up and down, be just like the big dipper, whoooo... Rodney Oh, God! Rodney leans over the side of the boat to be sick. Del That's it Rodney, go on cough it up, could be an ace? Oh, gets an old tingle running down the spine this don't it? Ha, ha, well it's in the blood of course. Ah, this island race, this skeptic isle, yeah us Brits, we've got salt water flowing through our vents. Rodney Oh will you shut up about bloody veins! Del And when you think of all the English heroes that have set sail out of these waters to go and discover the new world and stitch the dagos up, makes you feel very, very proud. (Sings) 'Robin Hood, Robin Hood with his band of men, Robin Hood, Robin Hood riding through the glen, feared by the good.' ON A BOAT AT SEA. The Trotters are all in the wheelhouse. They are all simply staring out into the blackness. Del Have you got any idea where we are? Albert (Looking at the chart) Not really Del, I never got the hang of these charts. Rodney Well then how in God's name did you expect to get us across to Holland? Albert Well Del said it weren't all that far. Del Well it ain't all that far if you're going in the right bleedin' direction. We should have been in Holland five hours ago. Look at it - middle of the poxy bleeding night and not a windmill anywhere. I thought you said that you could sail a boat. Albert Well it went, didn't it? Del I know it went, yeah, it went alright, but where hey? Look Albert where is our position? Albert Well we're er, we're here ain't we? Sort of. Rodney is checking the chart. Rodney Oh right, so according to all your calculations we're just off the Strait of Gibraltar but we're also very close to Copenhagen. Albert Well it narrows it down a little bit don't it? Del Yeah - the right ocean at least ain't we? Albert When I was in the Navy I was a boiler maintenance man. Rodney So you've never actually studied navigation at all Albert Boiler maintenance men didn't have to - see the boiler has a tendency to go wherever the ship's going. Look, we can't be far away can we? I mean, seemed to go pretty straight, didn't we? Rodney He's something else ain't he? And what about all the currents they got around here, eh? We could have drifted anywhere by now. Del Yes he's right an' all ain't he? We're in the middle of the North Sea ain't we? It's got more currants than a hot-cross bun. Albert Let's not panic hey, we'll wait till the morning, bound to see something. Del Oh yeah, we'll keep our eyes peeled for tulips, listen out for the sound of clogs. Rodney looks up at the night sky. Rodney Stars. Del What? Rodney The stars. Del Stars. You don't need to read your horoscope Rodney to realise you're in dead lumber. Rodney Them stars - you can steer a ship by the stars. Del That's right an' all - I remember seeing it once in the Onedin Line. Albert That's a bloody good idea Rodney, yeah. The Trotters exit from the wheelhouse and stare up to the sky. Albert There's millions of them ain't there? Rodney I love him, I just bloody love him. Del Isn't there anything up there that rings a bell? Albert I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be looking for - they've all got names ain't they? Like The Bear, things like that. Del Can't you just find The Bear? Albert Well what does he look like? Del Well it looks like a bloody rabbit don't it? I mean what do you think a bear looks like? Albert Well where would I find it? Del Standing up there on top of the glacier mint - you're giving me the hump you are Albert, you're giving me the right hump. Albert Look! Albert points up into the sky. Del What? Albert Up there, it's Concorde. Del So? Albert I'm just saying, Concorde. Del I'm going to kill him, I'm going to kill him, the soppy old git, I'm going to kill him! Albert Agh, Rodney! Rodney Del leave him alone. It is the following morning. Rodney is in the wheelhouse surveying the area with bleary eyes. Del climbs up with a cup of tea. Del Here we go Rodders, here's our tea, sorry I spilt it. Any luck? Rodney Not a thing - where's Ahab? Del Oh he's down below in the cabin poncing about with the radio - it's all crackles and hisses and dog-a-bag, can't be doing with it. Rodney Well at least he's doing some- thing positive to get us out of this mess. Del Positive - he's trying to get the Kid Jensen Show. Del spots something upon the horizon. Del (cont'd) Where are them binoculars? Rodney There. Del Ahoy - full ahead both Mr Christian. Rodney Why? Del We're going to Holland Rodders, we're going to Holland. GAS RIG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NORTH SEA. The boat approaches a gas rig. There are men working onboard. Del (Calls) Hoy, hoy, John - Holland. Man on Rig What? Del Which way to Holland? Man on Rig Holland - (Points) It's over there. Del Cheers pal. Albert it's to the right, Holland is that way. Thank you. Rodney see, you don't know the way, you just got to ask someone ain't you? Hey diddley dee a sailor's life for me. THE BOAT ON THE CANAL. Rodney exits from the cabin. Rodney Where are we then? Del (Referring to the windmills) It's obvious innit, eh? We're in Bulgaria! Rodney I know that, I know where we are. What I meant was, well, where are we? Albert This is the North Sea Canal Rodney. Takes us right into the heart of Amsterdam. Del Yeah, just don't act suspicious Rodney, just let's pretend we're Dutchmen, right? Del waves to some people on the bank of the canal. Del (cont'd) Ajax! BOYCIE'S OFFICE. Boycie It's one minute past time. Why ain't he rung? Abdul Maybe they've sunk! Boycie No no they've got their Uncle Albert with them - yeah maybe they have sunk. The telephone rings. Boycie picks it up. Boycie (On phone) Hello? Oh hello, Mr Biggastaff, you bought a car of us when? Well I don't care if you are broken down on the A1, what do you expect me to do about it? Well my advice to you pal is shove it. No this is not Mr Boyce speaking, this is his public relations officer. STREET IN AMSTERDAM. The Trotters check name plates on the doors. They find the door they are looking for. Del, realising he has no idea what he is walking in to, calls on his courage. Del You stay down here alright? Rodney Why? Del 'Cause we don't know what sort of welcome we're going to get up there do we? Might turn very nasty. Rodney Oi listen Del, if there's going to be any trouble I want to be up there with you. Del I want you to stay down here Rodney, first sign of any trouble from up there now, you leg it. Rodney No way. Del Rodney - (To Albert) You keep your eye on him, make sure he stays down here. Albert Alright Del. (To Rodney) It's for the best son. VAN CLEEF'S OFFICE. Van Cleef is seated at his desk smoking a cigarette. On the settee is Abdul's cousin, Hussein. One of Van Cleef's heavies sits in a chair, the other stands at the window. There is a knock on the door. Del Good afternoon, Derek Trotter from London. Del pats his briefcase. The heavy looks to Van Cleef who gestures for him to enter. Del enters. Del (cont'd) Good afternoon Mr Van Cleef, my name is Derek Trotter, sorry I'm a bit late, I had a bit of bother as you can probably see. Mr Van Cleef Not a worry Mr Trotter, you're here now - this is Mr Hussein Abdul's cousin and these two gentlemen are my assistants. Del (Indicating Heavy) He's a big lad ain't he? Suppose it's all that cheese he eats is it? Mr Van Cleef Do you have the money Mr Trotter? Del Yes I have the money Mr Van Cleef. Do you have the diamonds? Mr Van Cleef Yes I have the diamonds. Mr Van Cleef produces a pouch of diamonds. He pours them on to the table. Mr Van Cleef (cont'd) If you'll examine them, I'll go and make the phone call. Mr Hussein goes to examine the diamonds. In Boycie's office, the telephone rings. Boycie grabs it quickly. Boycie Hello? Oh good afternoon Mr Van Cleef. (To Abdul) It's him. Mr Van Cleef (On phone) Your man has arrived. Of course. (To Del) He wants to talk to you. Del Hello Boycie. Boycie Everything alright Del? Del Yeah, couldn't be better. Abdul (To Boycie) Is my cousin there? Boycie Is Abdul's cousin there? Del Yeah. (Looking toward Hussein) He's checking the merchandise now. Mr Hussein has finished checking the diamonds. Mr Hussein These are blue white stone, purity absolutely clean, cut by experts. These are of the finest quality. Del He says they're pucker. Boycie (To Abdul) The stones are good. Okay Del, I'm now going to give you the combination to the briefcase. Its 7.1.4. Del 7.1.4. Boycie 9.3.9. Del 9.3.9. Del opens the briefcase and looks at the money. His face tells us nothing. He hands the briefcase to Mr Van Cleef who gives the contents a cursory inspection. He hands it to one of the heavies who begins flicking through each pile. Del awaits the decision anxiously. Eventually, one of the heavies gives Mr Van Cleef a nod of approval. Mr Van Cleef. Good. Mr Van Cleef hands Del the pouch. Mr Van Cleef (cont'd) I believe these are yours Mr Trotter. Del Thank you very much. (On phone) Boycie we got a deal. Boycie Good - no problems? Del No, everything went as sweet as a nut - I'll see you soon. Boycie Yeah don't forget now will you? Del I'll give you a bell. Del hands the receiver back. Mr Hussein Will you be needing me any longer? Del No, no, on your way pal. Mr Hussein exits. Mr Van Cleef (On phone) The exchange is completed. Thank you, it's nice doing business with you as well. Del Well must fly. See you soon Mr Van Cleef. Mr Van Cleef Good day Mr Trotter and good luck. Del moves towards the door. Del Thank you. (To Heavy) Ajax. Del exits. Mr Van Cleef (Picking up phone) The courier just left - should be with you soon. Trotter. Derek Trotter. THE STREET IN AMSTERDAM. Rodney and Albert are waiting outside the door. Del exits. Albert Alright Del? Del Terrific. Well gentlemen. Rodney gestures in the direction of a police car. Rodney Del. Two officers alight from the car. A plain clothed police- man steps out of a doorway and moves in their direction, followed by the two officers in uniform. Del Leg it! Rodney Let's go! They dash off. The chase takes place through the streets of Amsterdam. Albert shows signs of tiring. Eventually he stops and leans against a wall. Albert (Gulping for air) Oh Del. Del Come on Albert, come on. Rodney Come on, we got to keep going. Albert You two go on, go on, I'll be alright. Rodney Yeah alright, come on Del. Del Terrific, we can't leave him. Rodney Why not? He's got nothing in- criminating on him. Del Hey now, come on, you can't leave the poor old sod to face the music can you? The plain clothes policeman runs round the corner followed by the two in uniform. Del and Rodney put their hands up into the air. Del (cont'd) Alright, alright, look, look, hands up, no rough stuff, eh? The plain clothes policeman rushes straight past the Trotters pursued by the two in uniform. Eventually they catch their man and a short struggle ensues. The Trotters make to leave. Del You dozy little twonk Rodney, what did you shout run for, eh? Rodney It weren't me, it was him. Albert Del shouted run. Del No I didn't, it was nothing to do with me. Rodney Yes you did, I heard you. Del I come out the building didn't I? I was doing all the main heavy... SLATER'S OFFICE. Hoskins You called sir? Slater indicates Del's name on a board. Slater We've got our man Hoskins! Hoskins Del - how did you find out sir? Slater I've got a funny feeling in my water - remember what happened last time I had that funny feeling? Hoskins Oh, you mean the antibiotics? Slater No, I don't mean that. I'm talking about the time I nicked that little Paki gang for bringing in cocaine mixed with curry powder. Hoskins Oh yeah, that was a good hunch of yours sir. Slater Have a look at this - I've got Davis and Skinner covering Luton Airport, there's a ten- man team at Heathrow, you and me are at Gatwick. Right Hoskins, I'm going to teach you the basic rules of airport surveillance - remember patience Hoskins, be prepared for a long, long wait, also suspect everyone. What's the most important thing we have to do Hoskins? Hoskins I don't know sir... Slater produces a sombrero. Hoskins (cont'd) Oh yeah, wear sombreros! Slater What do I look like? Hoskins Carry on sir. Slater I look like an ordinary holiday- maker don't I? Hoskins Oh I see - blend into the sur- roundings. Slater The first rule of surveillance is, don't look conspicuous. We'll have to get you something Hoskins, you look a right tit! THE MIDDLE OF THE NORTH SEA. Del (Shouting) How can we be lost again? I thought you'd know the way by now! Albert So did I - it looks the same to me. Rodney I feel sick. Del Oh shut up Rodney! (To Albert) Look, why can't we just go back the way we came? Albert That's what I've been trying to do. Rodney has seen something on the horizon. Rodney Del, there's a ship. Del Oh well, that's a turn up for the book innit eh? This is the last place you'd expect to find a ship, oh. Rodney It's the Norland. Del It's the Norland - so what? Albert The Norland, we saw that back in port just 'fore we left England. Rodney Del, that is the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry. Del Alright so it's the Zeebrugge to Hull...the Zee...ah, good boy Rodney, well spotted. Albert. Albert Sir? Del Follow that boat! BACK ROOM OF THE NAG'S HEAD. Boycie is seated. Abdul is pacing the room. Abdul (Checking his watch) Four o'clock they're still not back. Boycie (Checking his watch) It's not four o'clock it's half past twelve. Abdul Bloody watch. They're still a day late though, something has gone wrong. Boycie Del phoned me this morning at half past seven he's back in England, they even got through customs without a hitch, they probably got held up on the way h... There is a sound of a van backfiring. Abdul It's them. The van stops outside the pub. Del Let Popeye out the back will you Rodney? Boycie unlocks and opens the back door. Del enters. Rodney and Albert follow. Boycie Where the hell have you... Del Alright, alright, alright. Had a bit of trouble you know, got lost in the middle of the North Sea, then Rodney spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry so we followed it. Abdul And that's how you got to Hull? Del No, that is how we got to Zeebrugge - it was going the wrong bloody way, so we had to wait for it to turn round and then we followed it back. Boycie Okay well you're here now any- way. Okay, you got the diamonds? Del You got the money? Boycie takes a large wad of notes from his pocket. Boycie Here's your money. Del Now, put it on the table. Abdul Del, Del. Del On the table, on the table. Boycie puts the money on the table. As Del hands him the pouch of diamonds the back door is kicked open. In the doorway is Slater wearing a sombrero. Slater Buenos dias. Boycie Bloody hell, Slater. Del Rodney, quick this way, out the back. They make a rush for the door, put Parker is blocking the way. They make their way to another door, but Hoskins is there holding a straw donkey. During this Slater has walked to the table and has picked the diamonds up from the table. Slater pours the diamonds into his hands. Slater They're pretty ain't they? Abdul (Appealing to him) Inspector Slater. Slater Chief Inspector. Abdul My apologies, Chief Inspector, couldn't we discuss this in a civilized and gentlemanly manner? Slater What's to discuss? I've got you bang to rights. Slater reacts to the smell of the Trotters. Slater (cont'd) Phew, you smell like a mackerel trawler. Albert So would you if you spent half the week in the middle of the North Sea. Slater Oh, so you came in by sea did you? I just spent eighteen hours waiting at Gatwick Air- port for you. (Referring to Albert) Who is this little person - don't tell me, you're a Trotter ain't ya? Albert I'm the boy's Uncle. Slater Yeah you can see the family resemblance - it's those shifty little rodent eyes and the furtive movement of the feet, dead giveaway. This is a very sad day for me - my very last case and I have to nick two of me old school friends. Still never mind, eh? Slater places the last diamond into the pouch. Slater (cont'd) Thirty, spot on. Boycie Roy, give us a break will ya? Wasn't us that smuggled those diamonds in, it was Del Boy. Abdul Yes he's right Chief Inspector, it was nothing to do with us, it was them three. Del No, no, no, it was just me Slater. Albert No, I was the brains behind it. The others give Albert a 'Don't be stupid' look. Albert (cont'd) Oh alright then. Slater It is tearing me apart to see you lot squirming like this - what am I to do? Slater opens the door to Parker. Slater (To Parker) Away you go Parker. Parker exits. Slater addresses the others in the room. Slater (cont'd) Alright I've reached a decision - there are two ways we can handle this unfortunate situation - one, I take you all down the nick with the evidence and see you banged up for five years apiece, or - two... (Placing diamonds in his pocket) I walk out of here and pretend it never happened. Boycie Yeah, that sounds a good scheme Roy, let's pretend it never happened. Abdul Yes, yes, I will go along with that. Slater What do you think Del Boy? Del I think something smells very fishy around here and it ain't just these clothes. How come you knew there were thirty diamonds in that bag? Rodney Yeah, and how come you knew who was involved right from the start? Del Just a minute - when we were in the cafe the other day that bloke you was telling us about that you couldn't nick for smuggling diamonds 'cause of lack of evidence, what was his name? Slater You mean Henry? Del Yeah - his surname wouldn't have been Van Cleef by any chance would it? Slater You found me out you rascal. Boycie What - you and Van Cleef? Slater That's right. He offered me a little business deal. He sets up a bunch of wallies who are greedy enough to smuggle diamonds into the country and I pick them up this side of the water. Not only do I get paid both ends - you take all the risks. Brilliant innit? It's the third time we've pulled it off and there is nothing you ca do about it - unless of course you fancy a spell in the Scrubs. Well gentlemen, I think we've concluded our business don't you? Ain't you going to wish me good luck for the future - no? Oh well, win some, lose some. Del I hope we bump into each other one of these days, Slater. Slater I don't think so Del Boy, I'm going a long way away from here. Cheer up lads - still got your freedom. Slater exits. Boycie You berk Abdul. Abdul How was I to know Van Cleef was a crook? Bloody foreigner. Del walks towards the door. Boycie Where are you going Del? Del Where am I going? I'm going where I should have stayed right at the bloody start - going home. Boycie Look, don't, don't get the hump with us, we ain't done nothing. Del You ain't done nothing? You sent me half-way round the world, I've been to Amsterdam, I've been to Hull and back, what for? Slater's taken the diamonds, he's taken the money, on top of all that my two mates have grassed me up. Boycie We weren't actually grassing on you. Abdul No, no, no, it was more of a diversary tactic. Albert Yeah to divert the blame from yourselves. Del Come on Rodney, Albert, let's go home. SLATER'S CAR. Hoskins is driving. Slater is in the back feigning de- jection. Hoskins I can't understand sir not a single clue to the diamonds whereabouts. Slater Not a thing, they were all as clean as whistles. Hoskins This is the third time we've followed these diamonds and this is the third time we've drawn a blank. Slater That's the way it goes in this game - maybe I'm past it Hoskins, my hunches don't seem to pay off any more. Just as well I'm taking early retire- ment. Hoskins Do you know what I think? Slater No and to be honest I'm not really interested, you're not paid to think Hoskins, you're paid to do your job, now drive me home. Hoskins Yes sir. Hoskins swings the car left into a side road. Slater Where are you going Hoskins, this isn't the way to my house? Hoskins No, I know it isn't sir. There is a police block. Hoskins stops the car. Slater What's all this? Hoskins They've known about you for a long time and they just couldn't catch you in possession till now sir. Slater You've set me up. Hoskins You set yourself up, sir. Slater Look Hoskins, Terrance, use your loaf, help me out of this and I'll make you a rich man - the money from them other diamonds is in a bank account, I'll let you have half. What do you think? Hoskins You seem to forget sir, I don't think, I only do my job. Hoskins turns his lapel over to reveal a small hidden microphone. A DUTCH BANK. The briefcase containing the counterfeit money is being examined by the teller. Van Cleef waits patiently. The teller shows them to a colleague, who examines them then gestures to a couple of security men. The security men lead him, protesting his innocence, away. BACK ROOM OF THE NAG'S HEAD. Boycie and Abdul are together. Abdul I think we should phone the police. Boycie Phone the police? Oh yeah. And what are we going to tell the? A bent copper disguised as the Cisco Kid stole our smuggled diamonds. Abdul Yeah, you have a point. Well anyway at least the only money we lost was counterfeit. Boycie Apart from the fifteen grand Slater half-inched. Abdul You mean that was real? Boycie I drew it out the bank Friday. I didn't intend to pay Del funny money, I ain't into plastic surgery. I am gutted. Gutted. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Del, exhausted, enters and throws his coat on the settee. Albert follows him in. Albert Del. Del Alright, alright, hold on, hold on a minute. Rodney enters. Rodney Oi, listen you two, this hasn't turned out as bad as you think. Del Hasn't turned out as bad as we think - it's turned out bloody well Rodney. Albert, pour the drinks. Albert What do you want Rodney? Rodney (Bewildered) Well an explanation would be nice. Del Listen to me, you know that fifty grand that we took over to Amsterdam? Rodney Yeah. Del It was counterfeit. Rodney It was counterfeit - and you knew? Del Well not till I opened the case in Van Cleef's office I didn't. There's one thing I do know about Rodney, and that is kosher readies. Oh cheers. Rodney And you didn't tell no one? Del Oh yes, I said, 'Excuse me Mr Van Cleef, all that money, it's Mickey Mouse money.' Of course I didn't, I just stood there and prayed, course me old apron was going like a moped. Fortunately he gave the money to these two gorillas to check and, well, they were about as bright as an eclipse. Rodney So Boycie and Abdul sent us over there with fake money? Del Hm hm. Rodney Right, we're going to get even with them for that ain't we? Albert We already have Rodney. Rodney Eh? Del Go on Albert, show him. Albert produces his pipe. Albert Hold your hand out. Albert removes the tobacco and pours two diamonds into Rodney's hand. Rodney They're real ain't they? Del They're top of the range my son, blue-white purity, absolutely clean, they are as they say in France, chasse de forme? Rodney Eh, no, hold on, Slater picked up thirty diamonds. Del No he didn't, he took twenty- eight diamond and... Del shows Rodney his cuff-links minus the solitaires. Del (cont'd) ...two cats eyes. Rodney Oh Derek, oh, who's a pretty boy then? Del Worth about five grand each - well by the time we've put them through the fence we'll get what, six grand for the pair. Six thousand pounds split three ways means that you two get one thousand pounds each in your skies? Albert Yeah - hey? Rodney Well actually, we got slightly more than that Derek. Del Hm, what do you mean? Rodney You know that fifteen grand that went missing? Del It didn't go missing, that bark Slater picked it up, didn't he? Rodney Oh, Slater didn't pick it up. Del Eh? Rodney (Producing a wad of notes) I did. Albert (Taking the money from Rodney) You crafty little sod Rodney. Rodney Well you know, it was just there lying on the table and in all that confusion when we tried to escape I could just hear it saying, 'Daddy, Daddy', so I picked it up. Del You know what we're going to do with this money Rodney? Rodney Yes - we'll invest it, we'll make it work for us, this time next year we'll be millionaires...or shall we go to Benidorm? Del No, I'll show you what we're going to do with it. Del throws all of the money out of the window. Rodney and Albert are left open-mouthed. Albert For a minute I thought he threw that fifteen grand out the window. Rodney No don't be silly Unc, I mean who'd do a silly thing like that! Del Del It was Boycie's money weren't it? It was fake, dud, counter- feit. Rodney But it looked genuine enough to be 'cause you know it had all the little watermarks in it and the little silver strips and everything. Del Oh leave it out Rodney, what do you think I am eh, some sort of wally?

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
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                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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