CUSTOMS AREA.
Among the passengers there is a well-dressed man carrying
hand luggage. A short distance away is a well-dressed
woman carrying a suitcase.
Female Tannoy Announcer
British Airways are pleased to
announce the arrival of Flight
417 from Amsterdam.
The man and the woman appear not to be together, though
they share a tiny glance which indicates they know each
other. As they enter the Customs area the woman's suit-
case opens, spewing clothes onto the floor. She feigns
a stumble. Two customs officers leave their post to give
her assistance.
Female Passenger
Oh, I'm sorry.
Male Airport Worker
Are you alright madame?
Female Passenger
Oh, I'm sorry, I've spilled
everything out of my case, I
don't think the catch is
working properly, I don't know
what it is - thank you very
much.
As the customs officer assists her, the man walks
through customs and out into the main airport foyer.
THE NAG'S HEAD.
The bar is packed. Albert is seated next to an elderly
lady. They are trying to watch a film on TV depicting
a black and white film about some Second World War
naval battle. Rodney and Del are leaning against the
bar. Del is not really listening to Rodney.
Rodney
So anyway, I says to her right,
you know, I mean as gently as
I could like I said, 'Engage-
ment is a big step'.
Del
Yeah terrific, yeah right.
Rodney
I said you know, 'It's not the
sort of thing you enter into
very lightly'.
Del
No, no it isn't.
Del reacts to some beer spilt on the bar which is now
on his sleeve.
Del
(To a young
rastafarian)
Oh look at that. Oi, Calvin,
spill your lager over this bar
once more and I'll smack you
right side of the bloody ear
'ole.
Calvin
Sorry Del man.
Del
This is not polyester you know,
this is pure crimplene.
Rodney
As I was saying...
Mike
Have you seen Boycie Del?
Del
No no not recently, why?
Mike
Well he's looking for you, says
it's urgent.
Del
Oh well, he knows where to find
me Michael don't he eh? Knows
where to find me.
Rodney
Now where was I?
Del
Hey, are you still going out
with that little sort?
Rodney
Imogen, yeah, I'm still going
out with her, that's what I've
been telling you for the last
ten minutes.
Del
Oh why, what's up then?
Del calls across the bar.
Del (cont'd)
Hello Corrie love how are you
alright?
(To Rodney)
Yeah, go on.
Rodney
She's getting a little bit too
serious for my liking, and I'm
trying to find a way of
cooling her down a bit but I
don't want to hurt her.
Del
All you've got to say is, you
got to say, 'Imogen, you're
giving me the right hump. Now
go away and haunt someone
else for a change!'
Rodney
Yeah that's pretty... Del
innit? I don't believe you.
Del
You're too soft with her
Rodney, you're too soft, that
is your trouble. Look, here
y'are, you get the drinks in
'cause I'm going to pop over
there to do a bit of
business.
Rodney
Vicky, can I have a pint of
lager in there and what's Del
drinking these days?
Vicky
Oh God knows, Tuesday it was a
Bacardi and Russian, last week
it was Grand Marnier and
Orange, the week before that
was Dubonnet and Coke.
Rodney
Oh, give us a Tia Maria and
Lucozade then.
Del is trying to sell a digital watch to one of his mates.
Close by Albert and the elderly lady (Ruby) are still
watching the war film.
Del
There you go look, it's fifteen
quid, I can't say fairer than
that - it's none of your
foreign rubbish, look it's
Japanese.
Ted
Del, I've already got a watch.
Del
Call that a watch? That's crap
that is, that's crap.
Ted
You didn't say that when you
sold it to me.
Del
No, no, Ted what I meant was,
well, I mean its had it's day
innit? Look, here, here,
fifteen quid right, that's what
I paid for it, you're getting
it at cost.
Ted
Del, I don't fancy it.
Del
Alright then, for you, a tenner,
as it's the last one.
Ted
Ten?
Del
Hm hm.
Ted
Here, it's got a scratch on the
face.
Del
Oh don't worry about that I'll
get you another one from the
back of the van. Look it plays
thirty-six different national
anthems, it tells you what day
of the week it is and it's a
calculator an' all.
Ted
Blimey, is that the time?
Del
Oh no it's still set on
Oriental hours innit? Get your
money out, I'll be back in a
tick. Back in a tick, I like
it.
Del Exits.
Albert
(Indicating battle
on the TV)
I was there Ruby.
Ruby
Where, yeah but which one were
you then?
Albert
No, I didn't mean I was in the
film, I meant I was in the
battle.
Ruby
What battle is it?
Albert
God knows I can't hear a bleed-
ing thing with all this monkey
music.
Ruby
Must have taken a lot of cour-
age to do what you did Albert?
Albert
Yeah.
Ruby
All them sharks and icebergs.
Albert
Yeah, and a giant octopus.
Ruby
Oh, it gives me itchy fever
just thinking about it.
Albert
Sometimes I wake up in the
middle of the night screaming,
nightmares about all the
torpedoes, mines, kamikaze
pilots - that's why I never
talk about it Rube.
Ruby
My Harry used to wake up in the
middle of the night screaming.
Albert
No.
Ruby
Yeah - sometimes he used to
scream in the middle of the
day. Bloody glad when they put
him away I was. What did it
was the tragedy that happened
to our son. Harry just never
got over it, he was such a
lively lad, he went to school
with Del Boy, they used to sit
next to each other in class,
Del must have mentioned it,
Slater, Roy Slater.
Albert
Slater - don't remember Rube.
Ruby
No, well maybe it's still too
painful for Del to talk about,
he was only 18, he had all
his life before him.
Albert
What was it a motor-cycle
accident?
Ruby
No he, he joined the police,
he's one of their top men now,
he's put more people behind
bars than Watneys.
Del returns to the bar. Boycie and Abdul enter.
Del
I know it looks like...? That's
why the girls...? Boycie.
Boycie
Can I have a quiet word?
Del
Yeah sure - watcha Abdul alright
my son?
Abdul
Very well thank you.
Del
Hey, are you still up at that
Hatton Garden are you?
Abdul
Yes, I am still at Hatton
Garden. Could I have a word
with you please?
Del
Yeah course you can, why not?
Boycie
We'll be in the back room.
Del
Oh, oh alright I'll just get
me drink.
(To Rodney)
Here, I've got to do a bit of
business with Boycie and
Abdulla.
Vicky takes Rodney's tenner and holds it up to the light.
Del (cont'd)
Oi, saucy mare.
Vicky
It's orders from the governor,
there's a lot of forged money
floating round.
Del
You didn't check his money just
now.
Vicky
Yeah well, that's different
innit?
Del
I'm going right off that girl
- see you in a minute.
Del sips his Tia Maria and Lucozade. He doesn't know what
it is, but he likes it. Trigger enters.
Trigger
Alright Dave?
Rodney
Watcha Trig, how you going?
Trigger
Alright, I'm feeling lucky
tonight, you never know I might
pull so I thought I'd have a
dab of Blue Stratos, put me
best clothes on.
Rodney
Yeah, what stopped you then?
Trigger
These are my best clothes.
Rodney
Oh.
A young attractive girl passes by.
Trigger
Hello darling, where you been
all my life?
Girl
Piss off!
Trigger
I always use that line with the
birds.
Rodney
Yeah? Why?
Trigger
Dunno really, it never worked.
BACK ROOM OF THE NAG'S HEAD.
Del, Boycie and Abdul are seated round the table. They
are already in discussion.
Del
I see, so what sort of deal is
it?
Abdul
I have recently made contact
with a certain gentleman who
runs this business in Amsterdam.
Del
Amsterdam - Amsterdam in
Holland you mean?
Boycie
I told you he was the right man
for the job, didn't I Abdul?
Abdul
My brother Sayeed has done
business with him in the past.
Do you know my brother lives
in France now.
Del
No, no I didn't know that.
Abdul
Yes, yes, he's doing very well.
Del
Is he?
Abdul
Yeah, he's married now.
Del
Oh good.
Abdul
His wife's expecting.
Boycie
Get on with it Abdul for God's
sake, otherwise we'll be here
all bleeding night.
Abdul
Yes well, last week I flew to
Amsterdam to see this gentleman
in question, a Mr Van Cleef and
after some preliminary
discussions Mr Van Cleef has
agreed to sell us some
merchandise.
Del
Merchandise, what sort of mer-
chandise?
Boycie
Diamonds.
Del
Diamonds?
Abdul
Thirty of them cut and polished
blue diamonds.
Boycie
Top of the range Del Boy.
Del
Blimey, it's going to cost an
arm and a leg innit?
Boycie
Fifty grand.
Del
Fifty grand, you and Abdul are
weighing out fifty grand?
Abdul
In England they have a market
value of one hundred and fifty
thousand pounds.
Del
Bloody hell - I take it you're
not going to bother to inform
our friends at Customs and
Excise of this little matter?
Boycie
No, well they're rather busy.
I think they'd appreciate it.
Del
Really? Well anyway where do I
come into all this? You're not
expecting me to buy any off you
are you? The thing is you know,
I've had a few bad results
lately and I'm potless.
Boycie
Leave off Del Boy, these gems
sell at around five grand
apiece.
Abdul
What we are asking you to do
Derek is - is to take the money
to Amsterdam for us.
Del
You want me to take fifty
thousand pounds to Amsterdam?
Boycie
Yeah and...
Del
And what?
Boycie
And bring the diamonds back.
Del
Do you know for a minute there
I thought you were serious.
Boycie
We are very serious Del, deadly
serious.
Abdul
There is nothing to worry about
Derek, Mr Van Cleef has
completed many of these
transactions and he assures us
nothing ever goes wrong.
Del
Up your kilt. What do you think
I am? A total wally or some-
thing?
Abdul
We would look after you Derek.
Del
Yes, I'm sure you would. You'd
visit me once a month wouldn't
you eh? Bring me cakes with
files in - you find yourself
another mug.
Boycie
We'll give you ten grand.
Del who was about to leave, stops at the door. He's never
been offered ten grand before. He's never seen ten grand
before.
Del
Ten thousand pounds?
Abdul
Alright twelve.
(To Boycie)
I knew he'd haggle.
Boycie
You berk Abdul. Alright Del
twelve grand. Just think of it
Del Boy twelve big 'uns - set
you up a treat for the future.
Abdul
And there will be no problems,
it will all be as easy as
apple tart.
Del
Well if it's as easy as apple
tart how come you two ain't
going yourselves?
Boycie
Well we're both scared of fly-
ing ain't we?
Del
Oh leave it out Boycie, Abdul's
done more flying than sparrows.
Abdul
No, no, no, no, it would look
very suspicious for me a
registered Hatton Garden
merchant to fly to Amsterdam
too often.
Del
I don't know about this.
Boycie
Look Del, we chose you
specially, we needed someone we
knew, someone we could trust.
Abdul
Someone who was skint.
Del
What happens if I get caught?
Boycie
Well Abdul and me have done our
money haven't we?
Del
Done your money, your money? I
stand to get banged up for
five years.
Boycie
Right Del - fifteen grand.
There is a short pause.
Del
Not much use to you when
you're locked up in the Scrubs
though is it eh?
Abdul
We are paying you to take the
risk Derek.
Boycie
It's a big gamble Del - and he
who dares wins don’t he?
'Course if it's too big for
you Del, if you think you're a
bit out of your depth just say
so.
Del
Fifteen.
THE BAR OF THE NAG'S HEAD.
Rodney
See my problem is I don't want
to hurt her, 'cause Imogen's a
lovely kid you know, I mean
she's gentle, she's sensitive
and on top of all that she
cares.
Trigger
I reckon she'd do a turn if you
played your cards right.
Rodney
What's the point in discussing
it with you eh Trig? We're
talking on two different
levels.
Trigger
Yeah.
Del exits from the back room. Albert is still chatting
with Ruby.
Albert
Two and a half weeks we were
adrift in the middle of the
Pacific Ocean - got a nice tan
though.
Del
Come on Albert we're going
home. Quick Rodney, come on,
home.
Rodney
Well suppose I ought to be
getting on really - give
Imogen a ring, tell her it's
all over between us. Sorry
can I just get past you?
Rodney pushes past some people including a kissing couple.
He reaches for his coat near the kissing couple.
Rodney (cont'd)
Sorry. Sorry, I was just trying
to...Hello Imogen.
THE MARKET.
Del and Rodney are unloading the van.
Rodney
Look, I know what you're doing,
I just don't understand why?
Del
Mum said to me on her death-
bed, she said 'Del Boy' she
said.
Rodney
No, no, don't start on that.
What do you think the odds are
of you getting caught?
Del
Oh shut up Rodney, you've been
going on about it all night.
Rodney
Del, you are smuggling diamonds.
Del
Do you think you could yell
just a bit louder, 'cause
there's a geezer down there at
the other end of the market
who didn't quite catch it all?
Rodney
Del, do you realise what
you're getting into?
Del
Yes I do know what I'm getting
into, fifteen grand is what
I'm getting into. Look Rodney,
this is not drugs or guns is
it? I mean that, that sort of
stuff kills people - it's only
little diamonds - I try to
bring down the cost of getting
engaged, I thought you and
Imogen would have been pleased.
Rodney
Yeah well, me and Imogen's
finished.
Del
Oh so you finally told her then
did you?
Rodney
Yeah, sort of.
Del
Did she cry?
Rodney
No, look Del smuggling diamonds
is still illegal.
Del
It's only illegal because
Boycie and Abdul ain't paying
any import tax. Alright,
right, supposing they pay
import tax then eh? What do
you think the government is
going to do with that -
they're only going to go out
and buy another Strident
missile ain't they eh?
Rodney
So you're telling me that
smuggling diamonds is a blow
for world peace?
Del
Every little bit helps Rodney.
Rodney
Well why don't you bring back a
load of diamonds Del? You might
end up with the Nobel Prize.
Del
Hadn't thought of that. Now
come on Rodney we'll waltz
through the customs at Gatwick,
they wouldn't take any notice
of us.
Rodney
Del, what do you know about
diamonds eh, I mean to you
diamonds are them things that
you wear in your cufflinks and,
to be quite honest with you
I've seen better cats eyes.
Del
I don't have to know anything,
Abdul's in charge of that side,
we're just the couriers.
Rodney
Hang on a minute - what do you
mean we?
Del
Look, you don't think I'm
going to cut my little kid
brother out of a deal like
this do you? What sort of bloke
do you think I am?
Rodney
Well your little kid brother
don't want a cut in.
Del
A little while ago you said
you wanted to be a courier.
Rodney
Yeah, for Club 18-30.
Del
Look, I'm going to need you on
this one Rodney 'cause when
that aeroplane lands you're
going to be my diversion.
Rodney
Do you know how long I'd go
away for, I've already got a
record for possession of
cannabis, ain't I?
Del
Exactly, and that is what's
going to be my diversion
'cause not only is Amsterdam
the centre of the diamond
trade, it's also the drugs
capital of Europe right? So
when we go through passport
control they see Rodney
Trotter nipping off to Holland
they're going to say, 'Oh,
that little rascal he's after
the old exotic stuff again'.
When we come back through
Customs who are they going to
nab, me the sophisticated jet-
setter in a camel-hair coat,
or you the boomtown rat?
Rodney
Well they'll pull me won't
they?
Del
So whilst you're inside being
strip searched you know and all
that game - me and the
diamonds have been having it
away down the kermit!
Rodney
Oh terrific, so while you're
up the road jollying it up,
it's touch your toes time for
Rodney.
Del
Oh you won't come to any harm
Rodney, it'll only be a minor
discomfort - they'll let you
go in a couple of hours and
then you come home to five
lovely grand - your share.
Rodney
Five grand?
Del
Five grand. Buy an awful lot
of lollypops for five grand
Rodney, get yourself a nice
second-hand Capri, whip round
to Imogens, get your old card
stamped, know what I mean?
Rodney
I don't know, I've never
actually been to Amsterdam, I
suppose we could turn it into
a bit of an 'oliday, eh?
Del
Well, yeah, I mean we'll be
there at least an hour. Look
come on while you're thinking
about it let's try and knock
some of this gear out and make
some of that stuff that we
read about called profit
'cause if all this falls
through bruv we are right
skint.
As Del turns away, Denzil is seated at the wheel of a
juggernaut, caught in traffic.
Del
Denzil my son.
Denzil
No.
Del
No what?
Denzil
No I don't want to buy any-
thing, no I don't want to sell
anything and no I don't want
you to make me a millionaire!
Del
Innit, innit marvelous eh?
Innit marvelous? You just stop
to say hello to an old mate
and all you get is a load of
old verbal - I don't want
anything Denzil honest. What
you carrying?
Denzil
Nothing it's empty.
Del
Ah well, I could fill it up or
you. You could earn yourself a
few bob.
Denzil
Look, just leave me alone will
you, alright? Corinne and I
have just got back together
again and I've had to promise
her that I'd stop seeing you,
stop getting drunk, stop
gambling and get a steady job.
Del
Is it my fault you married a
wrong 'un? It's no reason to
give me a bolly. Hang about
there for a minute, I'll be
back.
Denzil
(To Rodney)
It's everywhere I go you know,
he's on the phone to me, he's
at me front door, he's in the
betting shop, he's in the pub
and now he's in a bloody
traffic jam. You know what
Rodney, I get this feeling
that he's haunting me, know
what I mean?
Rodney
Yeah - yeah I know exactly what
you mean.
Denzil drives off as Del returns.
Del
Hey what's up with him, what
have I done now?
Rodney
I can't understand it Del, I
mean all you've ever done is
ruin his wedding reception,
almost break up his marriage,
flood his kitchen and steal
his two thousand pounds
redundancy money, and he goes
and gets all silly about it.
Del
Yeah.
THE MARKET (PROPER).
Del has the suitcase open. There are watch cases inside.
Del
These are Japanese and these...
(Rolls his trouser
leg up)
...are hairy knees. Right, now
now what's the difference,
I'll tell you what the differ-
ence is -
(Indicates his knee)
These will not give you the
time in all the major capital
cities of the world, neither
are they a calculator, nor do
they play thirty-six different
national anthems, but this...
(Indicates a watch)
...well this is a quality
timepiece of precision crafts-
manship that will cost you
sixty-seven pounds upwards -
now, I'm not going to ask you
for sixty-seven pounds oh no,
I'm not going to ask you for
forty-seven, I'm not asking
thirty-seven pounds.
Rodney
Steady on Del, think of the
profit margin.
Del
No no don't interrupt me now
Rodney 'cause not while I'm in
my stride, I'm not asking you
for twenty-seven pounds, this
is fifteen pounds for this
quality watch ladies and
gentlemen, that's all, this
beautiful timepiece, yes
ladies and gentlemen for a
mere twenty quid.
Woman in Crowd
No no you said fifteen.
Del
I beg your pardon madame.
Woman in Crowd
You said fifteen.
Del
No I didn't.
The Crowd
Yes.
Del
No I didn't.
Rodney
He didn't say fifteen pounds.
Del
Hold on, hold on Rodney, no
hold on, I do believe that I
said fifteen pounds, I'm sorry,
I must be going mad, I'm sure
I said, I'm going, alright
darling just to show you that
I'm a man of my word, go on
you can have this watch for
fifteen quid, go on, steal it
from me. Go on, I'm losing
money on the deal, right
Rodney come on, get the rest
of the watches out of this
suitcase, 'cause there'll be a
mad rush in a minute.
(To Rodney)
Oh they're not going all that
well are they?
Rodney
They're going down like savel-
oys in a kibbut.
Del
If I could just sell one I know
that the others would follow...
Here just a minute I've had an
idea, watch this...
(To Crowd)
Right here you are, listen
ladies and gentlemen, listen,
listen, excuse me just a moment,
give us, give us your time
'cause I've just had a business
discussion with my partner here
on my right who informs me that
we desperately need the space
in the suitcase right? So what
I am going to have to do, I'm
going to have to give these
watches away so here you go,
I'm going to give them away at
ten pounds each there you go,
go on, ten quid, fifteen quid
to the black bloke can't say
fairer than that.
Black Man
Why can't I have it for ten
pounds then?
Del
For ten pounds sir, course you
can. Rodney take this man's
money, there you go, there
we've sold that one, there we
go, we're off and running,
there we are, come on darling,
cast your bread upon the water,
that's what I say, it'll come
back tenfold. That's it, there
you are, alright listen - give
us your money, take the money.
A policeman approaches. Del closes the case.
Del (cont'd)
Alright, listen, hang about
we'll be back in five minutes
alright.
Del and Rodney hurry off.
Del (cont'd)
(To Rodney)
Don't look back!
They run back to the van, as they do Slater and Hoskins
appear.
Slater
Del Boy.
Del
Slater.
Slater
Well what a coincidence, I was
just saying to Hoskins I
wonder how my old mate Del Boy
is, weren't I Hoskins?
Hoskins
Eh? Oh yes sir.
Slater
How are you Rodney?
Rodney
Very well thank you Detective
Inspector.
Slater
Chief Inspector.
Rodney
Sorry, I didn't know you'd
been promoted.
Slater
Yeah about six months back - I
took Hoskins with me, he's my
driver.
Del
Oh, driver - everyone always
said you'd be going places
Terry.
Hoskins
Going places - oh yeah.
Del
Here I saw your mum down the
Nag's Head last night Slater.
Slater
Yeah - she ask after me?
Del
No.
Slater
Do you fancy a cup of tea Del?
Del
Ah, actually Roy we're in a
bit of a hurry if you don't
mind.
Slater
I don't think you heard the
question Del, I said do you
fancy a cup of tea?
Del
Well now you come to mention
it, I am a bit parched.
SID'S CAFE.
Del is seated opposite to Rodney at the table, the suit-
case is at their feet. Slater and Hoskins are at the
counter. Sid puts four teas on the counter.
Sid
There you go Detective Inspec-
tor.
Slater
Chief.
Sid
What?
Slater
I'm a chief now.
Slater turns to get some spoons.
Sid
I'll be bleeding glad when
Custer arrives.
Hoskins smiles and then takes the teas to the table.
Del
Watch what you say Rodney,
that Slater's a bastard.
Rodney
Eh?
Del
I said...
Del quietens as Hoskins approaches.
Hoskins
Watch what you say, Slater's a
bastard.
Rodney
Yeah I remember him from the
last time.
Hoskins
He's on the warpath now, he's
retiring soon and wants to
go out in a blaze of glory.
Del
Retiring - that's a bit early
innit?
Hoskins
He's had no choice, it's come
from the top they're forcing
him out. See, a little while
ago Slater persuaded this
young black fella to sign a
full confession to being a
peeping tom - when the case
gets to court it turns out
he's a registered blind
person - bad publicity for
the police innit?
Rodney
What about the poor black
bloke?
Hoskins
Oh he's not too upset they
reckon he might get a record
contract out of it, sh...
Hoskins stops as Slater arrives.
Slater
There you are Hoskins, bacon
sandwich for you - are you
sure you didn't want nothing
to eat?
Del
Yeah yeah, quite sure, we're
not all that hungry actually
Roy. Anyway, what you doing
back in the parish? Thought
you'd been transferred to
river police.
Slater
No not transferred no, that
was just a special assignment,
I was after this little gang
of diamond smugglers.
Del
Any luck?
Slater
Oh I caught them Del yes, even
nabbed the ringleader, a
geezer called Hendrix. They
got away though, lack of
evidence.
Del
That's a choker innit?
Slater
Oh, I'll have him down.
Rodney
What, they still doing it then?
Slater
How many times have you almost?
Hoskins
Twice.
Slater
Twice that's right but each
time they've somehow managed
to get shot of the diamonds -
if you haven't got them,
you've got no evidence.
Del
No no.
Slater
Between you and me Del I've
heard a whisper they're trying
it on again. A couple of local
businessmen shall we say have
put the money up and we know
who they are don't we Hoskins?
Hoskins
Boycie and...
Slater
Hoskins.
Hoskins
Sorry sir.
Slater
But I don't know who the
courier is, now unless I can
catch the courier with the
stones on him I'm knackered -
this is where you come in Del.
Del
Me? You don't think I'm the
courier do you?
Slater
Leave off Del, this is big -
no, the way I see it is this
you hear all the gossip in the
clubs and the pubs, now it's
no skin of your nose if you
ring me with a name, after all
these businessmen ain't
puttin' no money your way are
they?
Del
No.
Slater
You don't even have to say
who's calling, make in anony-
mously, and I will make life
very comfortable for you, no
more aggro from wooden-tops
in the market.
Del
That's very fair of you Roy,
innit?
Rodney
Oh yeah, very fair.
Slater
This is my lat case Del, I'm
retiring form the Met.
Del
Oh.
Slater
The Commissioner begged me to
stay but I've had enough, I
want my career to end on a
high note.
Del
Yeah, well 'course we wish you
a lot of luck Slater.
Slater
I'll get 'em in the end Del, I
never give up you see once I
get my teeth into something I
don't let go - do you know
what they call me at the Met?
Del
No.
Slater
Bulldog.
Del
Oh - actually I have heard one
or two people call you bulldog
or words to that effect
anyway.
Slater
That's the sort of guy I am, I
never give up, so if you hear
anything Del, you know my
number. Well it's been nice,
like old school days you and
me sat at the same desk -
only this time you didn't put
frogspawn in me milk - you
rascal.
(Calls)
Do you want me to pay for my
breakfast Sid or what?
Sid
No, have it on the house Mr
Slater.
Slater
Very nice of you Sidney, very
nice indeed. You'd better pay
for your breakfast Hoskins.
Hoskins
Thank you sir.
Hoskins moves to the counter.
Rodney
So you don't know if this
courier is a man or a woman.
Slater
No, I hadn't thought of that,
that's very good thinking
Rodney. Have you ever thought
about joining the police?
Rodney
No, I'm ambitious.
Slater
Ha ha, very good - no all I
know is that he or she will be
flying in with the goods next
week and I'll be waiting for
them.
Sid hands Hoskins his change.
Sid
There you go young Terry.
Hoskins
Thanks Sid.
Slater and Hoskins exit.
Rodney
Well that's that then, innit?
Del
How do you mean?
Rodney
You can't go head with it now
can you? Slater's got all the
airports covered.
Del
He can't watch the airports
twenty-four hours a day can he
eh? Have to find another way
of sneaking in?
Del moves to the telephone on the wall.
Sid
You owe me thirty-two pence
Del.
Del
Eh? No no, Mr Slater paid for
ours.
Sid
Oh.
BOYCIE'S OFFICE.
Boycie is with a middle-aged couple extolling the virtues
of one of his cars.
Boycie
Oh yes it has a full service
record, taxed till the end of
the month, it'll have no
trouble passing its MOT.
Boycie's young car-cleaner Colin exits from the office
and calls.
Colin
Boyce someone on the phone
wants you.
Boycie
Who is it?
Colin
Don't know.
Boycie
Would you just say that I'm
rather busy with some clients
at the moment please Colin?
Colin
He said it's something to do
about diamonds.
Boycie
I'll be right there.
(To the couple)
Yes it's the new Austin
Diamond coming out next year,
still in the experimental
stage - do excuse me Mr
Biggastaff?
Boycie picks up the phone.
Boycie
Yeah, what up?
Del
It's Del Boy. Listen, I've
just had a very interesting
conversation with Chief
Inspector Slater, you know
bullshit of the yard.
Boycie
Slater? What's he want?
Del
He knows.
Boycie
How?
Del
Look, I don't know do I? He's
got more grasses than Fisons.
Boycie
Well how much does he know?
Del
Well he knows...He knows that
you and Abdul have put the
money up.
Boycie
I don't believe it. Well, we
can't pull out now Del,
Abdul's just made all the
arrangements with Van Cleef.
Del
Alright, alright listen, don't
panic, don't panic - he
doesn't know who the courier
is, that's what he was
pumping me about so I'm the
last bloke he suspects.
Boycie
Yeah well, it's alright for
you I've still got fifty grand
in my house, if Slater comes
sniff-ing around how am I
going to explain that away. No
- we've got to meet tonight,
I'll give you the money and
Abdul can make the final
arrangements.
Del
Right, where shall we meet,
your place?
Boycie
You must be joking, my house
might be under surveillance,
we can't meet at Abdul's
either for the same reason.
Del
How about my flat?
Boycie
You don't honestly think I'm
going to walk across your
estate with fifty grand on me
do you?
Del
You've got a point. What about
the Nag's Head?
Boycie
Leave off, he knows that's our
local - anyway we can't meet
in any public places, he sees
the three of us together he's
got he full story. We've got
to come up with somewhere dark
and secluded, somewhere where
we can lock the doors and be
on our own and nobody will be
able to se us.
Del
I know just the place.
Boycie
Yeah, where?
THE BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER.
Boycie and Abdul are in the back. Boycie carries a suit-
case.
Boycie
The back of Denzil's bleeding
lorry, I mean what a place to
hold a meeting.
Abdul
Personally I think it's a good
idea - as Derek said this is
the last place Slater would
think of looking.
Boycie
Yeah but I'm going to get
grease stains on my coat, I am
going to look a right mess. I
mean what has Denzil had in
here? Smells like rotten fish.
Abdul
Oh, stop your whining Boycie,
you're like an old woman at
times.
LORRY PARK.
The three-wheeled van pulls in to park and halts fifty
yards away from the juggernaut. Del alight. He spots
Boycie's Mercedes.
Del
Right they're here - about
five minutes. Spot any danger
give us a signal, right?
Rodney
Oi, what's the signal then?
Del
You what?
Rodney
Shall I beep the hooter?
Del
No you wally, that'll attract
all sorts of unwanted
attention wouldn't it, eh?
Rodney
Well shall I flash the light?
Del
How are we going to see flash-
ing lights when we're in the
back of a ruddy trailer?
Rodney
Alright then, so what's the
signal?
Del
Can you make a sound like an
owl?
Rodney
An owl sound?
Del
Yes you know like this?
Del makes a owl impression.
Rodney
Oh that?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
No.
Del
Oh.
Rodney
I can do bunny shadows though.
Del
Enough of your bloody sarcasm
Rodney, just think of a signal
- back in a minute.
Del moves towards the trailer.
BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER.
Abdul
You don't think Slater
suspects anything else do you?
Boycie
No, if he'd suspected that
he'd have been round with a
search warrant by now.
Del
'Ello 'elo 'ello, what are
you doing in here then?
Boycie
Get in here for God's sake will
you?
Del
Cor, it don't half hum in here
don't it? Alright Abdul, got
everything sorted out?
Abdul
Yes the arrangements have all
been made.
Boycie
Of all the places on earth, why
in God's name do we have to
meet in the back of a stinking
lorry?
Del
Oh dear - look around you, can
you think of a better place eh?
Look, no prying eyes, no plain
clothes coppers, nobody knows
we're in here.
Boycie
What, do you mean Denzil don't
know?
Del
Course he don't, leave it out,
he'd go diddley - no apart
from Rodney out there in a van
we're the only three people in
the world who know we're in
here.
SLATER'S OFFICE.
Slater is on the phone. Hoskins is putting some files
away.
Slater
Alright, alright, leave it to
me.
Slater replaces the receiver. He takes his coat.
Slater (cont'd)
Get your coat and a uniformed
officer Hoskins.
Hoskins
Where are we off to sir?
Slater
Transport Cafe in Soweto Road,
one of the neighbours reported
seeing three men breaking into
a lorry.
Hoskins
Righto sir. Parker, geta car
morning about the date, the
round to the front.
BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER.
Abdul
I spoke to Mr Van Cleef this
morning about the date, the
venue and the time of the
exchange and you must be very
clear about these matters
Derek, so listen carefully.
The exchange will take place
this coming Friday at twelve
noon.
Del
Twelve noon right.
Abdul
That's right - now here is the
address in Amsterdam, memorize
it and then destroy it.
Del
Doesn't self destruct then?
Boycie
Be serious Del, please. Friday
at twelve right.
Del
Alright, alright - got it.
Abdul
My cousin, Hussein, will meet
you in Van Cleef's office.
Del
Your cousin - stone me Abdul
your family get everywhere
don't they, got a brother in
France, cousin in Holland.
Sure you ain't got no one out
in outer Mongolia?
Abdul
A very distant uncle, but we
never talk about it. My cousin
is also a diamond merchant, he
will be there to check the
merchandise.
Boycie
Don't want you coming back
with a load of Mickey Mouse
gear, do we Del Boy?
Del
Watch it Boycie, my mum gave
me them.
Boycie
Oh.
Del
Sh...it's alright, so come on
where's the money, where's the
money?
Boycie hands Del the briefcase.
Boycie
There's fifty grand there Del
Boy, please be careful with
it.
Del
Trust me Boycie.
Boycie
Of course we trust you.
Del
What's the combination to this?
Boycie
When you get to Van Cleef's
office you phone me and then
I'll give the combination.
Del
Oh that's terrific, that's a
great deal of trust that is,
innit eh?
Abdul
One thing we forgot to men-
tion, the most important thing
of all, if anything should go
wrong, nothing can go wrong,
but if it should, you never
heard of us.
Del
Terrific - that means I'm up
on offer don't it eh?
Boycie
That's what we're paying you
fifteen grand for.
Del
Alright, alright don't worry,
won't be no comebacks. What
about the expenses for these
aeroplane tickets?
Abdul
Tickets!? You only need one
Derek.
Del
No, I'm taking my kid brother
with me.
Boycie
Taking Rodney, what is this a
bloody outing?
Del
No - Rodney is going to be my
diversion for when I come back
through the Customs - look,
it's going to be hard enough
with Slater and the 7th
Cavalry ferreted about amongst
all the duty frees, don't make
it any harder.
Abdul
Very well we will pay the
expenses, it's alright.
Boycie
Don't lump 'em up too much
though.
Del
No, alright.
Boycie
Right, I'm off.
Del
Are you? I wondered what the
smell was. Alright.
Abdul
Right we'll see you next
Friday when you return - good
luck Derek.
Boycie
Best of luck Del Boy.
Del
And you.
Boycie
Give us a minute to get clear.
LORRY PARK
Rodney is in the van reading a magazine. He sees Boycie
and Abdul jump down from the trailer and get into
Boycie's Mercedes. They drive off, just as a Panda car
roars into the park.
Slater
Park down there. Hoskins check
over the back there.
The three check beneath the lorries. Rodney gently winds
the window down. He cups his hands together and does his
best impression of an owl hoot. It sounds more like a
ruptured seagull.
Parker
What was that sir?
Slater
Don't know, sounded like a
crow.
Rodney
(Offended)
Crow!?
BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER.
Del moves to the trailer door. He sees the blue flashing
light on the Panda car.
Del
Oh my God! Oh God, they'll
throw the bloody key away.
Del closes the door quickly.
LORRY PARK.
Slater
Go on get on with it or we'll
never get home tonight.
Parker
Not yet sir.
Slater gestures towards the trailer.
Slater
Hoskins, Parker.
Hoskins' torch fall on the trailer's open latch.
Hoskins
This looks promising sir.
Slater
Take over Hoskins.
Hoskins
Alright parker.
Parker
Me?
Parker pulls the door open. He shines his torch into the
empty trailer. Apart from some tarpaulin, the trailer is
empty.
Hoskins
What is that?
Parker
I don't know but whatever it
is, it's been dead for a
fortnight.
Slater
Right, we'll have a quick
shufti over the back then we'll
call it a night.
He slams the latch into the locked position.
Slater (cont'd)
Some of these lorry drivers
invite crime don't they?
They exit.
In the trailer Del hurls the tarpaulin back - a great
cloud of cigar smoke billows out. Del is coughing and
gasping for air. He staggers to the trailer door only
to find it is locked tight. Rodney is still in the
van. He reacts as Denzil, ghetto blaster playing,
exits from the cafe and approaches the juggernaut.
Rodney can see both Denzil and the police.
Rodney
(Hisses)
Denzil, Denzil, Denzil.
Denzil climbs into the cab. Del is trying to force the
doors as the engine starts.
Del
Denzil, Denzil, Denzil, wait
I'm in here. Is that you?
Denzil you plonker.
The juggernaut moves off. Rodney is desperately trying
to start the van.
Rodney
Oh come on please, please,
I'll clean ya, I'll clean ya.
It starts and Rodney sets off in pursuit. Denzil has the
radio blaring and is blissfully unaware of what is
happening. Del is swaying in the back.
Del
Denzil, Denzil this is your
friend speaking - I'll do you
when I get hold of you.
SLATER'S OFFICE.
Slater and Hoskins enter.
Slater
Bloody hoax phone calls, my
last station I had to put up
with jokers. Get to your desk
Hoskins, might have had some
new reports.
Hoskins
No, nothing yet sir.
Slater
I want a watch put on Boycie
and Abdul, I want to know
everywhere they go, everything
they do - got to make their
move soon. Who's the courier
Hoskins? I know who's putting
the money up, what they're
buying and who from but I
don't know who's bringing it
in.
Hoskins
Bound to be local sir.
Slater
Oh yeah wouldn't go far out-
side the parish, got to have
someone they can trust - but
who?
Hoskins
It's a mystery sir - no one's
behaving in an unusual manner,
well no more unusual than
normal - everyone's just
carrying on the same.
Slater
Except the Trotters - went
round the estate their van's
missing, toured the area, no
sign of it.
Policeman
Maybe it's been nicked sir.
Slater
Nicked? If someone's nicked
that three-wheel van of theirs
we've got a dangerous maniac
on our hands. Ha ha ha.
Policeman
Take your point sir.
Slater
Something's just struck me
Hoskins, maybe we've been
underestimating Del Boy. All
these years he may have been
fooling us with his 9 carat
gold and his wide-awake
suits, I mean Del Boy's well
acquainted with the ways of
this world - he knows all the
wrinkles, he invented a lot
of them himself, and his
soppy brother has got GCEs.
Hoskins
What are you trying to say
sir?
Slater
What I'm saying is Hoskins,
maybe them two's more intelli-
gent than we've given them
credit for, yeah, it's all
beginning to fit. The Dutch
firm are the suppliers, Boycie
and Abdul are the money men
and the Trotters are the
brains.
Hoskins
You could be right sir.
Slater
I was only joking Hoskins, for
God's sake ain't you got no
sense of humour?
Hoskins
Sorry sir.
BACK OF DENZIL'S TRAILER.
Del, exhausted and sweating and being flung about, is
banging with both fists on the trailer's walls.
Del
Denzil, Denzil, Denzil...?
A motorway sign indicates 'The North.' The juggernaut roars
past. Shortly after the van passes. In the cab of the
lorry Denzil places a cigarette in his mouth. There is a
distant muffled sound - Del shouting. The cigarette falls
from Denzil's mouth. The haunting has now begun. He
switches the radio back on. The van passes the motorway sign,
backfiring. The juggernaut crosses the Humber Bridge.
Denzil pulls up at a toll booth.
Man at Toll Bridge
Cheers.
He drives off. The van crosses the bridge. It draws to a
halt at a toll booth.
Man at Toll Bridge
That's a pound.
Rodney
What?
Man at Toll Bridge
I said that's a pound.
Rodney
I've got 75 pence.
Man at Toll Bridge
Well that's not a pound is it?
Rodney
Oh no, but this has only three
wheels.
The man at Toll Bridge indicates a silhouette of a car
on a sign.
Man at Toll Bridge
That's only got two but it's
still a pound.
Rodney finds the coins and hands it to the attendant.
Man at Toll Bridge (cont'd)
By the way be careful where
you dump that thing will you?
Rodney
Funny innit? I'm laughing,
look.
Rodney drives off.
THE DOCKSIDE CAFE.
Denzil's lorry is parked outside. Inside, weary from his
night's drive, Denzil rests his head on his hands. Lil,
the woman who runs the cafe, approaches the table.
Lil
There's your tea Denzil.
Denzil
Ta.
Lil
Don't you want that breakfast?
Denzil
Course I do, just a bit drowsy
that's all.
Lil
You've been overworking love,
I've seen it before with your
lorry drivers trying to work
25 hours a day. I know the
money is good lovely, but
you'll get no overtime in the
mortuary.
Denzil
I'm always like this after a
night drive.
Lil
You're looking very tired
lovely, you're dark round the
eyes.
Denzil
I'm dark around everywhere
Lil. Listen, don't you worry
about me, I'm a big, strong
lad you know, I'll prove it
to you.
Lil
I'm not talking about physical
illness, there's no knowing
what lack of sleep and over-
work does to the brain. I've
seen it happen to them lovely.
Denzil
Seen what happen?
Lil
Young fit men, went to pieces,
started hearing things and
seeing things - you slow down
lovely, or you'll go the same
way.
Denzil thinks about her words then shrugs them off. As he
picks up a mouthful of food the yellow van drives slowly
past the window. Denzil sees the van in the mirror. He
looks around but the van is gone.
CAFE CAR PARK.
Rodney has pulled in behind the juggernaut. He opens the
trailer door. Del is crumpled up asleep at the front of
the trailer. Del wakes.
Rodney
Del.
Del
Is that you Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah, it's me.
Del
I knew you'd come and save me,
you're a saint Rodders, oh,
you're a 42-carat saint.
Rodney
Come on, let's get you out of
here.
Del
Thank you, oh, oh - it's been
a nightmare Rodney, a bloody
nightmare. Camp on Blood
Island was a doddle compared
with that.
Rodney
Look, do you want something to
eat or a cup of tea?
Del
No. It's alright, we ain't got
time for all that, we've got to
get the aeroplane tickets and
the lot ain't we eh? Come on
let's go, come on Rodney, come
on.
Del looks around at the ships, the sea etc. He looks
alarmed.
Del (cont'd)
Where the bloody hell am I?
Rodney
Hull.
Del
Oh. Hull - what Hull in what's
its name?
Rodney
Yorkshire, yeah.
Del
What the bloody hell am I doing
in Hull?
Rodney
Well this is where Denzil
brought you innit? He's most
probably got a load to pick
up.
Del
That bloody half-head Denzil,
I'll get him, just see if I
don't.
Rodney
Oi, don't you think you ought
to have a rest eh, get your
strength back?
Del
No I don't Rodney, just get
me back to Peckham as soon as
possible otherwise I'll be
saying hey-up and breeding
whippets before I'm very much
older - come on.
They get into the van. Rodney tries to start it with little
success. Del is looking out at the ships. We can sense his
brain ticking over.
Del
Switch that off Rodney - take
a look.
Rodney
What?
Del
Boats.
Rodney
Oh yeah.
Del
Big boats, little boats.
Rodney
Yeah there's a red one, a
white one look.
Del
Don't you see Rodney?
Rodney
See what?
Del
Slater has got all the air-
ports covered. Why has he got
all the airports covered?
'Cause that's how he thinks
we're getting back into the
country.
Rodney
Yeah - but that's how we are
getting back in the country.
Del
Not anymore we ain't, we're
going by boat.
Rodney
Oh yes like it Derek, yeah, we
get the Ferry.
Del
Not the Ferry you plonker, the
Customs there are going to be
just as bad as they are at the
airports. No we're going to
sail across in our own little
boat.
Rodney
Sorry?
Del
We're going to sail out of
here to Holland and back again
and no one will be any the
wiser.
Rodney
We...we are going to...us, in
the sea?
Del
Hm, Rodney, it's not far look
it's only across the water
there look innit eh? I mean,
I remember seeing it on the
map it's only, only that far.
Del holds thumb and forefinger an inch apart to indicate
distance.
Rodney
Derek, we'll die.
Del
No it'll be a piece of cake,
we'll be in and out of there
like a sour plum.
Rodney
Del, we don't know the first
thing about sailing a boat.
Del
Oh Rodney, Rodney, use your
filbert - I'm going to get one
with an engine.
Del walks off leaving Rodney in the van.
DOCKSIDE.
Del is checking name plates on doors. A group of men cross
a zebra crossing. Del walks with them.. Denzil stops at
the crossing in his lorry. Del is behind the men, partly
hidden. Denzil reacts horrified at this apparition. He puts
his hand over his eyes and shakes his head. He looks up
again. The men disperse but there is no sign of Del
ALLEY/DOCKSIDE.
Del arrives at the end of the alley and enters the quay
side. A boat owner is repairing a boat.
Del
Ahoy there, shipmate.
Boatman.
Morning.
Del
Any idea where I could hire a
boat round here?
Boatman
You want to hire a boat?
Del
Yeah.
Boatman
What kind of boat?
Del
Er, schooner.
Boatman
Schooner?
Del
With an engine.
Boatman
Schooner with an engine -
follow me shipmate, I might
have just the thing for you.
Del
Oh tally-ho.
ON BOARD THE INGE.
Del, Rodney and the boat owner are on deck.
Del
Well Rodney, what do you
reckon?
Rodney
What - this boat's got wood-
worm.
Del
No that's not woodworm, that's
just um, it's - what is that?
Boatman
That's where the ropes have
worn it away through the years.
Del
Just where the rope has worn it
away through the years, it's
sort of wear and tear innit?
Rodney
And we're supposed to sail to
Holland in this thing?
Boatman
This is a sturdy vessel sir,
built of very mature timber.
Rodney
In other words, it's old.
Del
Well the old 'uns are the best
'uns Rodney.
Rodney
We're talking about boats now
Del, not your birds.
Del
Oi, don't push your luck you
saucy git.
Boatman
I'll leave you two alone to
discuss it - I'll be over here.
Boatman exits.
Rodney
Right.
Del
Yeah, okay yes, ahoy there
shipmate, we'll be ashore in a
minute.
Rodney
Yeah, we'll go ashore what,
about 7 bells eh Del? Will you
pipe him ashore or shall I?
Del
I'm beginning to lose my
temper Rodney - you'll cop an
unfortunate one in a minute.
The boatman approaches a friend.
Boatman 2
You're really not letting your
boat out to them southern
nancies are you?
Boatman
Oh aye.
Boatman 2
You'll never se it again.
Boatman
That vessel's worth ten grand
- at least that's what it says
in the insurance paper.
Del and Rodney are still conferring.
Del
Come on Rodney, we can do it,
you know he who dares wins.
Look, I got the right price
from the owner and everything.
Rodney
Del, I'll tell you now there's
no way us two can sail this
thing to Holland and back.
Del
What? Us two, you think that...
that we're going to sail it...
is that what you thought, that
us pair of wallies are going
to take this thing out on the
high seas.
Rodney
Well yeah.
Del
Course we're not. No, I'm
going to get us a skipper, and
experienced man to do the
sailing.
Rodney
So there's going to be someone
in charge?
Del
Of course there is - you
didn't think I was going to
risk our lives did you? Come
here you dipstick.
HULL RAILWAY STATION
Albert, complete with duffle-bag, alights from the train.
Rodney
Dear God.
Del
Oh, leave it out Rodney, that
is England's greatest little
sailor since Nelson lost the
Armada.
Albert approaches.
Albert
Ahoy there.
Del
Yeah, yeah, ship ahoy.
Rodney
Del, every single ship or
vessel that man has ever
sailed on has sunk.
Del
I know, luck's got to change
sometime innit Rodney? Alright
Uncle Albert?
Albert
All shipshape and bristle
fashion.
Del
He's got all the dialogue ain't
he? Good good come on then.
Right now listen - did you
bring the passport?
Albert
In the old duffle bag.
Del
Good good - did you bring some
clothes?
Albert
I threw some on me old jumpers
in.
Del
Lovely - did you bring our
clothes?
Albert
Did you want me to bring you
some then?
Del
Oh, what do you think I phoned
you about?
Albert
I thought you meant my clothes.
Rodney
We haven't had a wash or
change of clothes for two days
now.
Albert
Well how am I supposed to know
that?
Rodney
Well it don't take a lot of
working out does it?
Del
Oi, oi, oi, you two - alright
calm down, calm down, don't
worry we'll sort something
out. Right come on skipper,
let's show you your vessel.
Albert
Yeah I'd like to look her over
Del make sure she meets with
my approval.
Del
Bleeding shame if she don't
because we sail in half an
hour.
HULL DOCKSIDE.
The boat is sailing up an narrow strip of water. Albert
is in the wheelhouse. Del is directing him from the bow.
Del
Albert slow down, you're going
too fast. You're going too
fast, slow down, don't...right,
right a bit.
Albert
Eh?
Del
To your right.
Albert
You mean starboard?
Del
I mean right - don't start all
that Captain Birdseye bloody
cobblers, I said right.
Rodney is in the cabin. He is tying up his life-jacket.
Del
Now you've gone too far now,
you're too far don't...come
on, come over to your left,
there - I said...I said left.
Albert
That's portside.
Del
I'll come up there and punch
you in the bloody nose in a
minute - when I say left I
mean left. Mind...mind this
little boat down there.
Albert
Eh?
Del
Watch, watch this, watch this
little boat down - sorry ship-
mate. What did you say pal?
And to you sir, cheeky git.
Alright come, come to your
right again now Albert, you're
doing very well. Not, no no.
What are you doing up there,
you got Saint Vitus Dance or
what? Look come right again.
Denzil is strolling along the shore. He is a very worried
man.
Denzil
It's overwork that's all, too
many hours in that lorry cab,
all you need is a bit of
relaxation and some fresh air,
that's all.
He sits down and takes a deep lungful of fresh air. He
looks out to sea. His expression changes. The boat is
sailing out of the estuary. Del is at the bow looking
out to sea.
Denzil (cont'd)
Gordon Bennett. I'm sick.
I'm sick. oh.
Back on the boat, Rodney climbs up from the cabin.
Rodney
I feel sick Del.
Del
What? Leave it out you tart,
we've only just started, that
was only just a little
ripple. Wait till we get out
there on the big waves, we'll
be going up and down and up
and down, be just like the
big dipper, whoooo...
Rodney
Oh, God!
Rodney leans over the side of the boat to be sick.
Del
That's it Rodney, go on cough
it up, could be an ace? Oh,
gets an old tingle running
down the spine this don't it?
Ha, ha, well it's in the blood
of course. Ah, this island
race, this skeptic isle, yeah
us Brits, we've got salt water
flowing through our vents.
Rodney
Oh will you shut up about
bloody veins!
Del
And when you think of all the
English heroes that have set
sail out of these waters to go
and discover the new world and
stitch the dagos up, makes you
feel very, very proud.
(Sings)
'Robin Hood, Robin Hood with
his band of men, Robin Hood,
Robin Hood riding through the
glen, feared by the good.'
ON A BOAT AT SEA.
The Trotters are all in the wheelhouse. They are all simply
staring out into the blackness.
Del
Have you got any idea where we
are?
Albert
(Looking at the
chart)
Not really Del, I never got
the hang of these charts.
Rodney
Well then how in God's name
did you expect to get us
across to Holland?
Albert
Well Del said it weren't all
that far.
Del
Well it ain't all that far if
you're going in the right
bleedin' direction. We should
have been in Holland five
hours ago. Look at it -
middle of the poxy bleeding
night and not a windmill
anywhere. I thought you said
that you could sail a boat.
Albert
Well it went, didn't it?
Del
I know it went, yeah, it went
alright, but where hey? Look
Albert where is our position?
Albert
Well we're er, we're here ain't
we? Sort of.
Rodney is checking the chart.
Rodney
Oh right, so according to all
your calculations we're just
off the Strait of Gibraltar
but we're also very close to
Copenhagen.
Albert
Well it narrows it down a
little bit don't it?
Del
Yeah - the right ocean at least
ain't we?
Albert
When I was in the Navy I was a
boiler maintenance man.
Rodney
So you've never actually
studied navigation at all
Albert
Boiler maintenance men didn't
have to - see the boiler has a
tendency to go wherever the
ship's going. Look, we can't
be far away can we? I mean,
seemed to go pretty straight,
didn't we?
Rodney
He's something else ain't he?
And what about all the
currents they got around here,
eh? We could have drifted
anywhere by now.
Del
Yes he's right an' all ain't
he? We're in the middle of the
North Sea ain't we? It's got
more currants than a hot-cross
bun.
Albert
Let's not panic hey, we'll
wait till the morning, bound
to see something.
Del
Oh yeah, we'll keep our eyes
peeled for tulips, listen out
for the sound of clogs.
Rodney looks up at the night sky.
Rodney
Stars.
Del
What?
Rodney
The stars.
Del
Stars. You don't need to read
your horoscope Rodney to
realise you're in dead lumber.
Rodney
Them stars - you can steer a
ship by the stars.
Del
That's right an' all - I
remember seeing it once in the
Onedin Line.
Albert
That's a bloody good idea
Rodney, yeah.
The Trotters exit from the wheelhouse and stare up to the
sky.
Albert
There's millions of them ain't
there?
Rodney
I love him, I just bloody love
him.
Del
Isn't there anything up there
that rings a bell?
Albert
I'm not quite sure what I'm
supposed to be looking for -
they've all got names ain't
they? Like The Bear, things
like that.
Del
Can't you just find The Bear?
Albert
Well what does he look like?
Del
Well it looks like a bloody
rabbit don't it? I mean what
do you think a bear looks
like?
Albert
Well where would I find it?
Del
Standing up there on top of
the glacier mint - you're
giving me the hump you are
Albert, you're giving me the
right hump.
Albert
Look!
Albert points up into the sky.
Del
What?
Albert
Up there, it's Concorde.
Del
So?
Albert
I'm just saying, Concorde.
Del
I'm going to kill him, I'm
going to kill him, the soppy
old git, I'm going to kill him!
Albert
Agh, Rodney!
Rodney
Del leave him alone.
It is the following morning. Rodney is in the wheelhouse
surveying the area with bleary eyes. Del climbs up with
a cup of tea.
Del
Here we go Rodders, here's our
tea, sorry I spilt it. Any
luck?
Rodney
Not a thing - where's Ahab?
Del
Oh he's down below in the
cabin poncing about with the
radio - it's all crackles and
hisses and dog-a-bag, can't
be doing with it.
Rodney
Well at least he's doing some-
thing positive to get us out
of this mess.
Del
Positive - he's trying to get
the Kid Jensen Show.
Del spots something upon the horizon.
Del (cont'd)
Where are them binoculars?
Rodney
There.
Del
Ahoy - full ahead both Mr
Christian.
Rodney
Why?
Del
We're going to Holland Rodders,
we're going to Holland.
GAS RIG IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NORTH SEA.
The boat approaches a gas rig. There are men working
onboard.
Del
(Calls)
Hoy, hoy, John - Holland.
Man on Rig
What?
Del
Which way to Holland?
Man on Rig
Holland -
(Points)
It's over there.
Del
Cheers pal. Albert it's to the
right, Holland is that way.
Thank you. Rodney see, you
don't know the way, you just
got to ask someone ain't you?
Hey diddley dee a sailor's
life for me.
THE BOAT ON THE CANAL.
Rodney exits from the cabin.
Rodney
Where are we then?
Del
(Referring to the
windmills)
It's obvious innit, eh? We're
in Bulgaria!
Rodney
I know that, I know where we
are. What I meant was, well,
where are we?
Albert
This is the North Sea Canal
Rodney. Takes us right into
the heart of Amsterdam.
Del
Yeah, just don't act
suspicious Rodney, just let's
pretend we're Dutchmen, right?
Del waves to some people on the bank of the canal.
Del (cont'd)
Ajax!
BOYCIE'S OFFICE.
Boycie
It's one minute past time. Why
ain't he rung?
Abdul
Maybe they've sunk!
Boycie
No no they've got their Uncle
Albert with them - yeah maybe
they have sunk.
The telephone rings. Boycie picks it up.
Boycie
(On phone)
Hello? Oh hello, Mr Biggastaff,
you bought a car of us when?
Well I don't care if you are
broken down on the A1, what do
you expect me to do about it?
Well my advice to you pal is
shove it. No this is not Mr
Boyce speaking, this is his
public relations officer.
STREET IN AMSTERDAM.
The Trotters check name plates on the doors. They find the
door they are looking for. Del, realising he has no idea
what he is walking in to, calls on his courage.
Del
You stay down here alright?
Rodney
Why?
Del
'Cause we don't know what sort
of welcome we're going to get
up there do we? Might turn
very nasty.
Rodney
Oi listen Del, if there's
going to be any trouble I want
to be up there with you.
Del
I want you to stay down here
Rodney, first sign of any
trouble from up there now, you
leg it.
Rodney
No way.
Del
Rodney -
(To Albert)
You keep your eye on him, make
sure he stays down here.
Albert
Alright Del.
(To Rodney)
It's for the best son.
VAN CLEEF'S OFFICE.
Van Cleef is seated at his desk smoking a cigarette. On the
settee is Abdul's cousin, Hussein. One of Van Cleef's
heavies sits in a chair, the other stands at the window.
There is a knock on the door.
Del
Good afternoon, Derek Trotter
from London.
Del pats his briefcase. The heavy looks to Van Cleef who
gestures for him to enter. Del enters.
Del (cont'd)
Good afternoon Mr Van Cleef,
my name is Derek Trotter,
sorry I'm a bit late, I had a
bit of bother as you can
probably see.
Mr Van Cleef
Not a worry Mr Trotter, you're
here now - this is Mr Hussein
Abdul's cousin and these two
gentlemen are my assistants.
Del
(Indicating Heavy)
He's a big lad ain't he?
Suppose it's all that cheese
he eats is it?
Mr Van Cleef
Do you have the money Mr
Trotter?
Del
Yes I have the money Mr Van
Cleef. Do you have the
diamonds?
Mr Van Cleef
Yes I have the diamonds.
Mr Van Cleef produces a pouch of diamonds. He pours them
on to the table.
Mr Van Cleef (cont'd)
If you'll examine them, I'll
go and make the phone call.
Mr Hussein goes to examine the diamonds.
In Boycie's office, the telephone rings. Boycie grabs it
quickly.
Boycie
Hello? Oh good afternoon Mr
Van Cleef.
(To Abdul)
It's him.
Mr Van Cleef
(On phone)
Your man has arrived. Of course.
(To Del)
He wants to talk to you.
Del
Hello Boycie.
Boycie
Everything alright Del?
Del
Yeah, couldn't be better.
Abdul
(To Boycie)
Is my cousin there?
Boycie
Is Abdul's cousin there?
Del
Yeah.
(Looking toward
Hussein)
He's checking the merchandise
now.
Mr Hussein has finished checking the diamonds.
Mr Hussein
These are blue white stone,
purity absolutely clean, cut
by experts. These are of the
finest quality.
Del
He says they're pucker.
Boycie
(To Abdul)
The stones are good. Okay Del,
I'm now going to give you the
combination to the briefcase.
Its 7.1.4.
Del
7.1.4.
Boycie
9.3.9.
Del
9.3.9.
Del opens the briefcase and looks at the money. His face
tells us nothing. He hands the briefcase to Mr Van Cleef
who gives the contents a cursory inspection. He hands it
to one of the heavies who begins flicking through each
pile. Del awaits the decision anxiously. Eventually, one
of the heavies gives Mr Van Cleef a nod of approval.
Mr Van Cleef.
Good.
Mr Van Cleef hands Del the pouch.
Mr Van Cleef (cont'd)
I believe these are yours Mr
Trotter.
Del
Thank you very much.
(On phone)
Boycie we got a deal.
Boycie
Good - no problems?
Del
No, everything went as sweet
as a nut - I'll see you soon.
Boycie
Yeah don't forget now will
you?
Del
I'll give you a bell.
Del hands the receiver back.
Mr Hussein
Will you be needing me any
longer?
Del
No, no, on your way pal.
Mr Hussein exits.
Mr Van Cleef
(On phone)
The exchange is completed.
Thank you, it's nice doing
business with you as well.
Del
Well must fly. See you soon
Mr Van Cleef.
Mr Van Cleef
Good day Mr Trotter and good
luck.
Del moves towards the door.
Del
Thank you.
(To Heavy)
Ajax.
Del exits.
Mr Van Cleef
(Picking up phone)
The courier just left - should
be with you soon. Trotter.
Derek Trotter.
THE STREET IN AMSTERDAM.
Rodney and Albert are waiting outside the door. Del exits.
Albert
Alright Del?
Del
Terrific. Well gentlemen.
Rodney gestures in the direction of a police car.
Rodney
Del.
Two officers alight from the car. A plain clothed police-
man steps out of a doorway and moves in their direction,
followed by the two officers in uniform.
Del
Leg it!
Rodney
Let's go!
They dash off.
The chase takes place through the streets of Amsterdam.
Albert shows signs of tiring. Eventually he stops and
leans against a wall.
Albert
(Gulping for air)
Oh Del.
Del
Come on Albert, come on.
Rodney
Come on, we got to keep going.
Albert
You two go on, go on, I'll be
alright.
Rodney
Yeah alright, come on Del.
Del
Terrific, we can't leave him.
Rodney
Why not? He's got nothing in-
criminating on him.
Del
Hey now, come on, you can't
leave the poor old sod to face
the music can you?
The plain clothes policeman runs round the corner followed
by the two in uniform. Del and Rodney put their hands up
into the air.
Del (cont'd)
Alright, alright, look, look,
hands up, no rough stuff, eh?
The plain clothes policeman rushes straight past the
Trotters pursued by the two in uniform. Eventually they
catch their man and a short struggle ensues. The Trotters
make to leave.
Del
You dozy little twonk Rodney,
what did you shout run for,
eh?
Rodney
It weren't me, it was him.
Albert
Del shouted run.
Del
No I didn't, it was nothing to
do with me.
Rodney
Yes you did, I heard you.
Del
I come out the building didn't
I? I was doing all the main
heavy...
SLATER'S OFFICE.
Hoskins
You called sir?
Slater indicates Del's name on a board.
Slater
We've got our man Hoskins!
Hoskins
Del - how did you find out
sir?
Slater
I've got a funny feeling in my
water - remember what happened
last time I had that funny
feeling?
Hoskins
Oh, you mean the antibiotics?
Slater
No, I don't mean that. I'm
talking about the time I
nicked that little Paki gang
for bringing in cocaine mixed
with curry powder.
Hoskins
Oh yeah, that was a good hunch
of yours sir.
Slater
Have a look at this - I've got
Davis and Skinner covering
Luton Airport, there's a ten-
man team at Heathrow, you and
me are at Gatwick. Right
Hoskins, I'm going to teach
you the basic rules of airport
surveillance - remember
patience Hoskins, be prepared
for a long, long wait, also
suspect everyone. What's the
most important thing we have
to do Hoskins?
Hoskins
I don't know sir...
Slater produces a sombrero.
Hoskins (cont'd)
Oh yeah, wear sombreros!
Slater
What do I look like?
Hoskins
Carry on sir.
Slater
I look like an ordinary holiday-
maker don't I?
Hoskins
Oh I see - blend into the sur-
roundings.
Slater
The first rule of surveillance
is, don't look conspicuous.
We'll have to get you something
Hoskins, you look a right tit!
THE MIDDLE OF THE NORTH SEA.
Del
(Shouting)
How can we be lost again? I
thought you'd know the way by
now!
Albert
So did I - it looks the same
to me.
Rodney
I feel sick.
Del
Oh shut up Rodney!
(To Albert)
Look, why can't we just go
back the way we came?
Albert
That's what I've been trying
to do.
Rodney has seen something on the horizon.
Rodney
Del, there's a ship.
Del
Oh well, that's a turn up for
the book innit eh? This is the
last place you'd expect to
find a ship, oh.
Rodney
It's the Norland.
Del
It's the Norland - so what?
Albert
The Norland, we saw that back
in port just 'fore we left
England.
Rodney
Del, that is the Zeebrugge to
Hull ferry.
Del
Alright so it's the Zeebrugge
to Hull...the Zee...ah, good
boy Rodney, well spotted.
Albert.
Albert
Sir?
Del
Follow that boat!
BACK ROOM OF THE NAG'S HEAD.
Boycie is seated. Abdul is pacing the room.
Abdul
(Checking his
watch)
Four o'clock they're still not
back.
Boycie
(Checking his
watch)
It's not four o'clock it's
half past twelve.
Abdul
Bloody watch. They're still a
day late though, something has
gone wrong.
Boycie
Del phoned me this morning at
half past seven he's back in
England, they even got through
customs without a hitch, they
probably got held up on the
way h...
There is a sound of a van backfiring.
Abdul
It's them.
The van stops outside the pub.
Del
Let Popeye out the back will
you Rodney?
Boycie unlocks and opens the back door. Del enters. Rodney
and Albert follow.
Boycie
Where the hell have you...
Del
Alright, alright, alright. Had
a bit of trouble you know, got
lost in the middle of the North
Sea, then Rodney spotted the
Zeebrugge to Hull ferry so we
followed it.
Abdul
And that's how you got to Hull?
Del
No, that is how we got to
Zeebrugge - it was going the
wrong bloody way, so we had to
wait for it to turn round and
then we followed it back.
Boycie
Okay well you're here now any-
way. Okay, you got the
diamonds?
Del
You got the money?
Boycie takes a large wad of notes from his pocket.
Boycie
Here's your money.
Del
Now, put it on the table.
Abdul
Del, Del.
Del
On the table, on the table.
Boycie puts the money on the table. As Del hands him the
pouch of diamonds the back door is kicked open. In the
doorway is Slater wearing a sombrero.
Slater
Buenos dias.
Boycie
Bloody hell, Slater.
Del
Rodney, quick this way, out
the back.
They make a rush for the door, put Parker is blocking the
way. They make their way to another door, but Hoskins is
there holding a straw donkey. During this Slater has
walked to the table and has picked the diamonds up from
the table.
Slater pours the diamonds into his hands.
Slater
They're pretty ain't they?
Abdul
(Appealing to him)
Inspector Slater.
Slater
Chief Inspector.
Abdul
My apologies, Chief Inspector,
couldn't we discuss this in a
civilized and gentlemanly
manner?
Slater
What's to discuss? I've got
you bang to rights.
Slater reacts to the smell of the Trotters.
Slater (cont'd)
Phew, you smell like a mackerel
trawler.
Albert
So would you if you spent half
the week in the middle of the
North Sea.
Slater
Oh, so you came in by sea did
you? I just spent eighteen
hours waiting at Gatwick Air-
port for you.
(Referring to
Albert)
Who is this little person -
don't tell me, you're a Trotter
ain't ya?
Albert
I'm the boy's Uncle.
Slater
Yeah you can see the family
resemblance - it's those
shifty little rodent eyes and
the furtive movement of the
feet, dead giveaway. This is
a very sad day for me - my
very last case and I have to
nick two of me old school
friends. Still never mind,
eh?
Slater places the last diamond into the pouch.
Slater (cont'd)
Thirty, spot on.
Boycie
Roy, give us a break will ya?
Wasn't us that smuggled those
diamonds in, it was Del Boy.
Abdul
Yes he's right Chief Inspector,
it was nothing to do with us,
it was them three.
Del
No, no, no, it was just me
Slater.
Albert
No, I was the brains behind it.
The others give Albert a 'Don't be stupid' look.
Albert (cont'd)
Oh alright then.
Slater
It is tearing me apart to see
you lot squirming like this -
what am I to do?
Slater opens the door to Parker.
Slater
(To Parker)
Away you go Parker.
Parker exits. Slater addresses the others in the room.
Slater (cont'd)
Alright I've reached a decision
- there are two ways we can
handle this unfortunate
situation - one, I take you
all down the nick with the
evidence and see you banged
up for five years apiece, or
- two...
(Placing diamonds in
his pocket)
I walk out of here and pretend
it never happened.
Boycie
Yeah, that sounds a good
scheme Roy, let's pretend it
never happened.
Abdul
Yes, yes, I will go along with
that.
Slater
What do you think Del Boy?
Del
I think something smells very
fishy around here and it ain't
just these clothes. How come
you knew there were thirty
diamonds in that bag?
Rodney
Yeah, and how come you knew
who was involved right from
the start?
Del
Just a minute - when we were
in the cafe the other day that
bloke you was telling us about
that you couldn't nick for
smuggling diamonds 'cause of
lack of evidence, what was
his name?
Slater
You mean Henry?
Del
Yeah - his surname wouldn't
have been Van Cleef by any
chance would it?
Slater
You found me out you rascal.
Boycie
What - you and Van Cleef?
Slater
That's right. He offered me a
little business deal. He sets
up a bunch of wallies who are
greedy enough to smuggle
diamonds into the country and
I pick them up this side of
the water. Not only do I get
paid both ends - you take all
the risks. Brilliant innit?
It's the third time we've
pulled it off and there is
nothing you ca do about it -
unless of course you fancy a
spell in the Scrubs. Well
gentlemen, I think we've
concluded our business don't
you? Ain't you going to wish
me good luck for the future -
no? Oh well, win some, lose
some.
Del
I hope we bump into each other
one of these days, Slater.
Slater
I don't think so Del Boy, I'm
going a long way away from
here. Cheer up lads - still
got your freedom.
Slater exits.
Boycie
You berk Abdul.
Abdul
How was I to know Van Cleef
was a crook? Bloody foreigner.
Del walks towards the door.
Boycie
Where are you going Del?
Del
Where am I going? I'm going
where I should have stayed
right at the bloody start -
going home.
Boycie
Look, don't, don't get the
hump with us, we ain't done
nothing.
Del
You ain't done nothing? You
sent me half-way round the
world, I've been to Amsterdam,
I've been to Hull and back,
what for? Slater's taken the
diamonds, he's taken the
money, on top of all that my
two mates have grassed me up.
Boycie
We weren't actually grassing
on you.
Abdul
No, no, no, it was more of a
diversary tactic.
Albert
Yeah to divert the blame from
yourselves.
Del
Come on Rodney, Albert, let's
go home.
SLATER'S CAR.
Hoskins is driving. Slater is in the back feigning de-
jection.
Hoskins
I can't understand sir not a
single clue to the diamonds
whereabouts.
Slater
Not a thing, they were all as
clean as whistles.
Hoskins
This is the third time we've
followed these diamonds and
this is the third time we've
drawn a blank.
Slater
That's the way it goes in this
game - maybe I'm past it
Hoskins, my hunches don't seem
to pay off any more. Just as
well I'm taking early retire-
ment.
Hoskins
Do you know what I think?
Slater
No and to be honest I'm not
really interested, you're not
paid to think Hoskins, you're
paid to do your job, now
drive me home.
Hoskins
Yes sir.
Hoskins swings the car left into a side road.
Slater
Where are you going Hoskins,
this isn't the way to my
house?
Hoskins
No, I know it isn't sir.
There is a police block. Hoskins stops the car.
Slater
What's all this?
Hoskins
They've known about you for a
long time and they just
couldn't catch you in
possession till now sir.
Slater
You've set me up.
Hoskins
You set yourself up, sir.
Slater
Look Hoskins, Terrance, use
your loaf, help me out of this
and I'll make you a rich man -
the money from them other
diamonds is in a bank account,
I'll let you have half. What
do you think?
Hoskins
You seem to forget sir, I
don't think, I only do my job.
Hoskins turns his lapel over to reveal a small hidden
microphone.
A DUTCH BANK.
The briefcase containing the counterfeit money is being
examined by the teller. Van Cleef waits patiently. The
teller shows them to a colleague, who examines them
then gestures to a couple of security men. The security
men lead him, protesting his innocence, away.
BACK ROOM OF THE NAG'S HEAD.
Boycie and Abdul are together.
Abdul
I think we should phone the
police.
Boycie
Phone the police? Oh yeah. And
what are we going to tell the?
A bent copper disguised as the
Cisco Kid stole our smuggled
diamonds.
Abdul
Yeah, you have a point. Well
anyway at least the only money
we lost was counterfeit.
Boycie
Apart from the fifteen grand
Slater half-inched.
Abdul
You mean that was real?
Boycie
I drew it out the bank Friday.
I didn't intend to pay Del
funny money, I ain't into
plastic surgery. I am gutted.
Gutted.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Del, exhausted, enters and throws his coat on the settee.
Albert follows him in.
Albert
Del.
Del
Alright, alright, hold on, hold
on a minute.
Rodney enters.
Rodney
Oi, listen you two, this hasn't
turned out as bad as you think.
Del
Hasn't turned out as bad as we
think - it's turned out bloody
well Rodney. Albert, pour the
drinks.
Albert
What do you want Rodney?
Rodney
(Bewildered)
Well an explanation would be
nice.
Del
Listen to me, you know that
fifty grand that we took over
to Amsterdam?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
It was counterfeit.
Rodney
It was counterfeit - and you
knew?
Del
Well not till I opened the
case in Van Cleef's office I
didn't. There's one thing I do
know about Rodney, and that is
kosher readies. Oh cheers.
Rodney
And you didn't tell no one?
Del
Oh yes, I said, 'Excuse me Mr
Van Cleef, all that money,
it's Mickey Mouse money.' Of
course I didn't, I just stood
there and prayed, course me
old apron was going like a
moped. Fortunately he gave the
money to these two gorillas to
check and, well, they were
about as bright as an eclipse.
Rodney
So Boycie and Abdul sent us
over there with fake money?
Del
Hm hm.
Rodney
Right, we're going to get even
with them for that ain't we?
Albert
We already have Rodney.
Rodney
Eh?
Del
Go on Albert, show him.
Albert produces his pipe.
Albert
Hold your hand out.
Albert removes the tobacco and pours two diamonds into
Rodney's hand.
Rodney
They're real ain't they?
Del
They're top of the range my
son, blue-white purity,
absolutely clean, they are as
they say in France, chasse de
forme?
Rodney
Eh, no, hold on, Slater picked
up thirty diamonds.
Del
No he didn't, he took twenty-
eight diamond and...
Del shows Rodney his cuff-links minus the solitaires.
Del (cont'd)
...two cats eyes.
Rodney
Oh Derek, oh, who's a pretty
boy then?
Del
Worth about five grand each -
well by the time we've put
them through the fence we'll
get what, six grand for the
pair. Six thousand pounds
split three ways means that
you two get one thousand
pounds each in your skies?
Albert
Yeah - hey?
Rodney
Well actually, we got slightly
more than that Derek.
Del
Hm, what do you mean?
Rodney
You know that fifteen grand
that went missing?
Del
It didn't go missing, that
bark Slater picked it up,
didn't he?
Rodney
Oh, Slater didn't pick it up.
Del
Eh?
Rodney
(Producing a wad
of notes)
I did.
Albert
(Taking the money
from Rodney)
You crafty little sod Rodney.
Rodney
Well you know, it was just
there lying on the table and
in all that confusion when we
tried to escape I could just
hear it saying, 'Daddy,
Daddy', so I picked it up.
Del
You know what we're going to
do with this money Rodney?
Rodney
Yes - we'll invest it, we'll
make it work for us, this
time next year we'll be
millionaires...or shall we go
to Benidorm?
Del
No, I'll show you what we're
going to do with it.
Del throws all of the money out of the window. Rodney and
Albert are left open-mouthed.
Albert
For a minute I thought he
threw that fifteen grand out
the window.
Rodney
No don't be silly Unc, I mean
who'd do a silly thing like
that! Del
Del
It was Boycie's money weren't
it? It was fake, dud, counter-
feit.
Rodney
But it looked genuine enough
to be 'cause you know it had
all the little watermarks in
it and the little silver
strips and everything.
Del
Oh leave it out Rodney, what
do you think I am eh, some
sort of wally?
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.