Only Fools And Horses

As One Door Closes

DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Leaning against the wall next to the kitchen door is a high cardboard container which states 'Louvre Doors.' Albert is watching an Asian programme on TV. Del and Rodney are sat at the table anxiously working something out on a pocket calculator. Del Well? Rodney 1,992! Del That's what it come to last time! Rodney Yeah, I now and that's what it'll come to this time and the time after than an' all. Del Two grand! Where are we gonna get two grand from? Look, try it again Rodney. And this time see if you can get it lower! Rodney Well how can I get lower? Look 12 times 166 equals 1,992! Del (Producing another calculator) Use this calculator! Rodney It's still gonna work out the same Del! I could do it on this calculator, that calculator. I could do it on me fingers and toes. I could do it on beads, it's still gonna come to 1,992, ain't it? Del Right bloody help you turned out to be Rodney! Albert Keep the noise down will yer, I can hardly hear this! Del Shut up you saucy old git! Rodney Well, even if you could hear it, you couldn't understand it, could you, it's in Indian! Albert In 1959 I was in Bombay! Del You carry on much longer by tomorrow afternoon you could be in traction! Albert But I like this kind of music! Del Ah! (Indicating television programme) Oh yeah, look at that Rodney, it's one of his favourites that is. That's that good old- fashioned sing-along number, Knees Up Mother Patel. Listen, we're over there trying to devise a scheme that is gonna make us into millionaires, and all you can do is sit here and watch bleedin' Indian banjos! Rodney Why don't you just stick a George Harrison LP on yer Walkman or something? Albert You two are gonna be million- aires! And the Titanic was unsinkable! Rodney Oi, you, there's a fortune to be made out of this deal! Albert Yeah? What is this deal then? Del Lowvery doors! Albert So what about 'em? Del Well what about 'em? I'll tell you what about 'em! There's a certain painter and decorator what gets down the Nag's Head, and his name is Brendan O'Shaunessy. Rodney He's Irish! Del Yeah! That is correct, Rodney. Now this Brendan O'Shaunessy has just got a contract to decorate and fit out a new housing estate over at Nunhead. And what has the architect deemed shall be fitted to all wardrobes? None other than lowvery doors! 166 to be precise! Albert Well, you've got one of them, that's a start innit? Del Ooh, he can be a sarky old bark when he wants to be can't he, eh? Rodney That's just a sample, innit? You see Del's mate, Teddy Cummings, right, he manages a joinery works and he can let us have hundreds of them doors dirt cheap! And there's 200 per cent profit on each one! Del That's right. It's like print- ing money! And the cherry on the cake is that this building firm is putting up houses all over the shop, so it's a sort of long-term, on-going situation! Albert So where's the problem? Rodney Well, Teddy Cummings will only sell them doors in bulk! Del Yeah, if we don't get two grand by tomorrow afternoon the deal's off! Albert Well can't you borrow the money? Del We've tried all that ain't we! We've been everywhere! The bank that likes to say yes said on yer bike! Rodney The sign of the Black Horse gave us a load of old pony, didn't they? Del Even the listening bank cocked a deaf 'un! Rodney Del...you'll most probably think this is stupid! Del What is? Rodney Well, it's a long shot I'm here to tell you. It's a real long shot! Del Oh I know, I like long shots. You know me Rodney, he who dares wins! What is it? Rodney Oh well, 'ere you are. I was reading this colour supplement yesterday. Del Yeah? Rodney There was an article in it that really caught my interest! Del Yeah, yeah? Rodney It was about a butterfly. Del A butterfly? Rodney Yeah! Not an ordinary butter- fly though! Del Ah! Rodney No, this one's a bit of a rarity. It's virtually unheard of in this country! Del Oh well, that's interesting innit? Rodney I think it's name was, eh, the Jamaican swallow tail. Del Well it don't mean a lot to me Rodney, that, no. Rodney No well here it is. Look it's scientifical name is Papillo humerus! Del Oh, now, that does ring a bell! I don't believe what he is doing to me! Here I am on the verge of losing the biggest deal of my life and this plonker here wants to give me a lecture about poxy butter- lies!! Rodney No, you don't understand do you? It's an endangered species. Del Yeah, I know, you'll be an endangered species if you carry on much longer Rodney! Rodney Look some of these things have been seen in southern England! One of them was spotted in Greenwich Park! Albert You wanna whip him down the quack's a bit lively, the boy's flipped his lid! Rodney Listen mouthy, there's this private... (Can't pronounce the word) Well there's this private butterfly collector right and he's willing to pay a three thousand pound reward for one of these butterflies. Del Three thousand pounds? Rodney Yeah and Greenwich Park is only up the road, innit? Albert You mean, you want us to go around chasing butterflies? Rodney Yeah! Del You know what? I think you're right Rodney! Rodney Yeah? Del Yeah! It is stupid! Rodney Well I said it was a long shot, didn't I! Del Gordon Bennett! I can just see us three now running up and down Peckham High Road. We'll be trying to catch Mars Bar wrappers! Hey come on, look at the time. Hey, come on, get this stuff out of here. We're gonna go and see if we can do a bit. DAY. THE MARKET. Del is trying to sell a batch of 'Home Hair Trimming Devices'. Del Ask yourselves this, ask your- selves this, how much do you spend on hairdressing, eh? Now it's gotta be six or seven quid a hit these days innit? You work that out over a year and it comes to a national debt! Right but, for just one pound fifty you could invest in one of these super de-luxe trimming combs! I mean, you can save yourself a fortune in the comfort of yer own front room! Could you just - just come round a bit closer, come closer 'cos at these prices I can't afford to deliver! Rodney arrives carrying a few boxes. He bends down to put them in a suitcase. Man in Crowd Hey is that sharp enough, mate? Del Is it sharp? Is it - sharp? Del looks for something upon which to demonstrate the sharp- ness. Without a thought, he takes a chunk of Rodney's hair out with the trimmer. Del (cont'd) Is that sharp enough for you? Rodney knows that something has touched his head but doesn't know what. He feels his head and surveys the sky for low- flying pigeons. Del (cont'd) Invest one pound fifty and you can save yourselves thousands! This is a better bet than Piggott on a favourite! Now listen to me - listen. These come recommended you know by the world's leading hair stylists. Vidal Sassoon, Teezy Weezy, Mick the barber, Mick the Miller - Mickey Mouse, Sweeney Todd. (Giving up the ghost) Why do I bother? Rodney It's been one of them days innit? Del Never mind Rodney, pack up the suitcase, we'll go down the Nag's Head for a couple of swift 'alfs...Two thousand by tomorrow! I've got as much chance of winning Miss World! Denzil approaches. A massive ghetto-blaster is strapped to his shoulder. Del Oi, Denzil! Denzil Del Boy! Denzil raises his hands to slap Rodney's hands. Rodney puts down the suitcase and holds his hands out but Denzil has forgotten about it by then. Denzil (cont'd) So how's your luck? Del Don't ask! Don't ask. If they made it into a film it'd be a bigger tear-jerker than Love Story! Denzil Bad as that, eh? Del Yeah. I'd go into the details - only I don't want to see grown men cry! Denzil Listen, you want to hear a sob story I will tell you a sob story! I have just found out that my wife has been lying to me! Rodney No! Rodney is thinking that she's got another man. Denzil Yeah! Every morning she says she's gonna leave me, and when I come home at night she's still there! Del Like it. Look at him, look. Soppy look. Denzil I can't stop, I've gotta get down to the Job Centre. Del Yeah alright. Down the Job Centre eh? You've got yourself into a growth industry at last! Denzil Yeah, well, the wages are lousy, but the hours suit me fine! Del See you then Den. Denzil See you around. Del See you Denzil. Give my love to Corinne. (Under his breath) The miserable old cow! Oh well, come on, let's go. Rodney I heard it took three coppers to arrest Denzil the other night! Del That's right. One to put the handcuffs on and two to carry the radio! Rodney You've heard it then. Del We've all heard ain't we? Come on. Let's go. Hey hold up! What did Denzil get the sack for? Rodney Oh he didn't, he was made re- dundant. Del Hold on, if he was made redundant, that means he's got redundancy money? Rodney Yeah, I suppose so! Del (Calls) Denzil! Denzil! Denzil (Alarmed) You're not having any! Del I'm your friend. Denzil. Denzil! Denzil! Denzil (Running away) You're still not having any!!! Del Oi Denzil, I'm gonna make you rich, Denzil. Put me down... I'm a policeman... Denzil Please don't make me rich! Del Denzil, don't be a plonker all your life!! DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Albert is asleep in the armchair. When he hears the front door slam we wakes and picks up a dustpan and brush. Del enters in a victorious mood. Del I'm gonna live forever... Alright Uncle? Had a good day? Albert I've been busy doing the house- work Del. I've made all the beds except yours and Rodney's. Del Oh that's alright. Well sit yourself down. Go on, you don't want to knock your old pipe out do you, eh? Albert No that's my trouble. I never know when to stop! Del Yes this is true. This is very true. Albert You're in a better mood than you were this morning! Del Yeah well I've every reason to be, haven't I! I've clinched the lowvery door deal! Albert Never! Del Yeah it's true! I've picked them up, paid for them, and Rodney at this moment is stacking 'em in the garage! All I've gotta do now is phone Brendan, and he'll come round and pick them up and we shall be rich! Albert Where d'you get the money to pay for 'em? Del Well d'you remember my pal Denzil - called in here a couple of weeks ago. Albert Oh yeah. He was black? Del Yeah - well, he still is! Any- way did you hear that he had two thousand pounds redundancy money? Albert Yeah. Del Well he ain't now! Albert Oh come off it Del. You didn't take the fella's redundancy money! Del Well yeah. I mean, he insisted! Rodney enters from the hall. Rodney I have never seen anything like it. He did Denzil up like a kipper! Del (On phone) Yeah, well look, tell him when he comes in that I've got all the lowvery doors and they're in the garage and he can come and pick 'em up any time he wants. Rodney He chased him he did! A mile and 'alf through Deptford! Denzil was 300 yards from his front door. And he put in a kick! I tell you, Seb Coe ain't even in the picture when he's got a smell of money in his nostrils! Del Okay then Bridie, don't you forget to tell him now will yer? Rodney He forced lager down his throat then he frog-marched him to the bank! Do you know Denzil was crying when he handed that money over! Del Listen to me, dopey. Listen, now right, Denzil give me two grand today, I give him three thousand tomorrow! Now that means he gets a grand profit in 24 hours. Now he ain't gonna get that at the Bradford and Bingley is he? Denzil knows it makes sense! Albert What about his missus, she' a bit of a dragon ain't she? Rodney Well let's just say I wouldn't like to be in Denzil's shoes when Corinne finds out! Del No she'll be alright. She'll be as sweet as a nut! Denzil bought her a little present. Rodney Oh yeah, a do-it-yourself hair cutting kit! Del No, she's gonna treasure it, you mark my words. Now listen gentlemen, listen to me, because this evening I am taking you down the Nag's Head public house, were we're gonna hold one of them things that Rodney couldn't organise in a brewery! After that - after that, we're gonna go to the Star of Bengal for a Ruby! (Produces cans of beer) So get that down your neck, Rodney. Cheers. Rodney is standing in front of the mirror. He is horrified to discover that a chunk of his hair is missing. Rodney My hair's falling out! Del What? Rodney My hair's falling out in great chunks! I'm going bald! Derek, I am 24 years old and I'm going bald! Albert That's supposed to be a sign of something. Rodney Yeah, it's a sign that I'm going bald! Del Listen you tart. Come here. Let me have a look at it! Come on, let me see. Rodney Well, what d'you reckon? Del Well, let me put it this way Rodney, if your head was a tyre you'd fail the MOT! Rodney Bloody hell I'm going bald! Albert No, it might not be that Rodney. You might have a touch of alopecia! Rodney I never thought of that Unc! And there's me fretting, eh? My head's gonna look like a bloody egg! Albert Get yourself a wig son! Rodney Oh yeah, I'm gonna look really cool ain't I, tryin' to pull a bird with a Davy Crockett hat on me head! The telephone rings. Del I'll get that. It could be the phone. Hello? Brendan. How are you pal? I see you got the message then? Eh? What d'you mean you've been tryin' to phone me all day? Eh? Well what's wrong? Why don't you talk to him? You know. Go and persuade him. Rodney Del, what's up? Del It's the architect, he's changed his mind! He wants Victorian panel doors now! (On phone) Brendan, listen, listen, listen Brendan, you know, go - you know, give him a few quid, eh? Bung him, eh. Eh? Well... beat him up then! Well I'll come down and beat him up for you if you like! No Brendan, look I've got 165 lowvery doors in my garage! All my capital is tied up in 'em! I know we didn't sign a contract but what am I supposed to do with 'em? And yours. I'll get you for this, Brendan, you see if I don't! (Putting phone down) Damn! There they go. Look at all that, I knew everything was going too smoothly, all that money! Albert Can't you take 'em back to the warehouse and swop 'em for paneled doors Del Take 'em back to the warehouse! Rodney Yeah, why don't we just take 'em back and swop 'em? Del We can't take 'em back can we, eh? We were lucky to get 'em out without being caught! Rodney They were hooky? Oh great Derek! Cosmic! They were hooky lowvery doors were they! Well you didn't mention that small fact to me, did you? Albert is looking from a window. Albert Del? Del What? Albert You know that Denzil fella? Del Yeah. Albert Has he got any brothers? Del Yeah, five, why? Albert Nothing. It's just that five West Indian blokes just got out of a Rover! Del and Rodney go over to the window to look. Del It's them! That is them, it's Denzil's brothers!! Rodney Look at the size of them!! Albert What are you gonna do Del? Del Oh well, we'll just stay here. We'll stay here. And if they wanna cut up rough we'll exchange punches you know like man to man. Rodney You're not including me in that are you? Fight 'em! Derek, look at the size of 'em! Albert They'll look even bigger when they get up here Rodney! Del Yeah, well, I'll tell you what. Don't worry. Don't you worry. Listen I'm gonna explain. Bloody hell! I'm gonna, what we're gonna do - what we're - I'll tell you. We can run for it. Come on let's get out of here. Quick! DAY. THE CEMETERY. Mum's monument is a faded, flaking gold. Del is in a mood of quiet contemplation. Albert is sitting on the bench bored. Rodney is agitated. Albert What's he brought us here for? Rodney Gawd knows! Albert I don't like these places, they make me feel queasy! Del What's up with you two? Rodney Oh it's nothing, it's just Albert, he don't feel too well! Del How bad is he? I mean, is it worth our while taking him home? Albert Oh, I ain't that bad Del! Del Oh good. Well you just sit back and enjoy yourself then! Rodney Enjoy ourselves Del, we are two grand in debt, we have a garage load of hooky doors and a mob or irate Rastafarians after our blood! So what are we doing hanging round Mum's monument? Del Because I always come here in times of trouble Rodney. I just come here, stand here and tell Mum my problems and, somehow, she always seems to provide an answer. She's never let me down yet! I mean, you take that time when you were done for possession of cannabis. I just came here an' I told Mum that her little baby was in trouble with the law! And it was almost as if I could hear her voice saying to me 'Bribe the Old Bill, Del!' And what happened? When the case came to court the police could provide no evidence! Albert (To Rodney) You told me you got a 250 quid fine and a suspended sentence! Del Yes, because three days before the trial this plonker pleaded guilty by post! Mum wasn't to know that was she! Don't worry, she'll come up with a solution to our financial plight! Come on, sit yourself down, just relax Rodders. Look around you Rodney, just think, one day all us Trotters'll be here. (To Albert) Well I don't know about you! Albert That's alright Del, I'm with the Co-op! Del Yeah, back in the sixties I bought us all plots you know. I thought land's a good investment annit? Rodney Oh, can't go wrong Del can yer! Del See, I'll be over there, next to Mum, and Grandad, well he's over there in the Gardens of External Peace. Rodney Where will I be? Del points into the far distance, so far he has to squint. Del Oh yeah, you are, oh look, see look, see right over there. Right over the back there. Rodney Yeah. Del There! Rodney Under the stinging nettles! I ain't gonna be buried under a pile of stinging nettles! Del Well it ain't gonna bother you is it Rodney, 'cos you're gonna be brown bread! Albert What happens when his family come to pay their respects? Del He won't have no family, will he? 'Cos I'll be there next to Mum and you'll be picking up yer divvies! Albert He could be married by then! How's his widow gonna tend his grave when it's covered in stinging nettles? Del She'll have to buy herself a decent pair of gardening gloves won't she! Come to think of it, I've got a beautiful pair of gardening gloves in the garage! They retail at four pounds and seventy five pence normally, they could be yours for a nicker! Rodney I don't want any gardening gloves! Del Oh that's charming, innit, eh? Never a thought for the poor missus! There she'll be with swellings and blotches all over her hands, the poor little mare! Rodney I don't believe this conversa- tion is taking place! In 35 seconds you tow have married me, buried me and given my widow skin trouble! Albert Well, you've gotta look to the future ain't yer Rodney? Rodney Not if I can help it Uncle! Rodney spots something of interest in the distance. Del I often look into the future. And I find it very reassuring to know that whatever happens down here, in this mortal curl, one day we'll all be together up there in Heaven - for ever and ever, amen! Albert Do you believe in all that Heaven and what 'ave yer? Del Oh yeah, it's true, I read it in a book! Rodney has got up. A butterfly has rested on some flowers on another grave. Rodney's eyes are fixed on it. Rodney Del. Del Yeah, just think Rodney. When you walk through them Pearly Gates, Rodney - all like clouds and things - the first face you'll see will be mine. Rodney Yeah, that's cosmic Del! Albert Your Mum'll be there as well! Del Oh yes, Mum'll be there 'cos she'll be wanting to see Rodney, her little wonder baby! She used to always call him that you know 'cos she used to wonder how the hell he happened. Rodney Derek! Albert I suppose your Dad might be up there as well, eh? Del Oh I do hope so. I do hope so Uncle, can't wait to get my hands on that old git! I'll give him such a whack with my harp he won't know if it's Good Friday or Bonfire Night! Rodney Del, will you stop rabbiting for one minute and come over here. Del Oh Gordon Bennett, what's up with you now? Rodney Look over there! Rodney is pointing to some flowers. Del Where? Rodney Just by them flowers. Albert It's like that butterfly thing from Rodney's magazine. Rodney That's because it is that butterfly thing from my magazine! Del Oh leave it out you wally! What that thing over there's worth three grand? Never... Rodney produces the picture from a magazine. Del looks. Del It is, it is that 'an all. Bloody hell! If we could, if we could capture that all our problems'll be over! Rodney Yeah. Del I told you two didn't I? Didn't I tell you two that Mum'd come up trumps. Albert Yeah, let's get it! Del No look, be careful, take yer time. Take yer time! We've gotta do this the way the professionals would do it. Albert What d'you mean? We've gotta jump over things and skid around in the van? Del I don't mean Bodie and bleedin' Doyle you stupid old git...I mean professional butterfly catchers! Albert. Albert Yes Del? Del Giss yer hat! Albert hands Del his hat. He creeps towards the butterfly, walking over a grave as he does. Rodney Derek! Del What? Rodney Have some respect! Del Oh sorry... He closes in on the butterfly. Taking careful aim, he throws the hat at the flowers. Del It's gone! Quick Rodney. Get after it. Go on quick. Where'd it go? Get after it. There quick come on. Del and Rodney chase after the butterfly. DAY. A PARK. Rodney's face is very concerned. Rodney Careful Del! Take it, nice and easy does it! Del is on the roof of one of the park shelters, inching his way along to where the butterfly is perched. Del Yes, yes, thank you Rodney! Rodney 'Cos you could slip and kill yourself easy as anything! Del I know, I know! He gets very close to the butterfly. Rodney (Shouts) Now!! This alarms Del and he starts to slip. He hits the ground with a thud. Del Oh, you stupid idiot. Rodney Come on Del, he's getting away! Rodney pursues the butterfly. Del is spread-eagled on the ground. He gets up painfully, brushing the leaves and dirt off himself. Del The things I do for money! DAY. THE PARK/LAKE. Rodney is standing on a small boating platform when Del arrives. Del Well, where is it? Rodney He's out there on that lily pad! Del Oh, well we can't just leave him out there can we? Rodney Well what d'you wanna do then, phone the coastguard? Del Look, a bloody great pike could come up and have him for supper. No, one of us has got to go in and get it. Go on Rodney, I'll look after your shoes! Rodney Eh? I'm not going in there!! Del This is no time for second thoughts Rodney! That is not a butterfly out there, that is Denzil's money! Rodney So how comes I've gotta go and get it? Del 'Cos I'm not a very good swim- mer! Rodney Nor am I! Del I know but you're taller than me, ain't yer, It'll take you longer to drown! It's only shallow. Rodney How shallow? Del Well I don't know do I! Get in and see! Del pushes Rodney in. Rodney splashes about. A crowd of passers-by has gathered to watch the going's-on. Albert arrives, out of breath. Albert What's Rodney doing? Del I dunno - backstroke. Our three grand's out there on that lily pad. I begged him, I begged him not to go in! Pity you weren't here, this is right up your street this innit? Albert I can't swim Del! Del You used to be a sailor! Albert Don't mean a thing!! Nelson couldn't swim! Del Course he couldn't, he'd only got one bloody arm! He'd be going round in circles wouldn't he? Rodney has got to his feet. Del There you are Rodney, it's not as bad as you thought is it? Rodney You pushed me! Del I did not, I did not push you Rodney. I just gave you a little bit of encouragement! Anyway come on Rodders you're in now! Rodney Yeah, and I'm getting out 'an all. Del Just a minute, just a minute. Not ten yards, not ten yards from you, right, is one of the rarest, most beautiful and precious of God's little tiny creatures! And them wallies in that magazine of yours are gonna give us three grand for that thing! Rodney I don't care Del, I'm still getting out! Del Look, we give Denzil his two grand back and we've got a grand for ourselves! Albert I thought you said you'd give Denzil three grand! Del That's funny you know, 'cos Denzil thought I said that 'an all. Rodders, everyone's a winner! What d'you say? Rodney makes his way out to the lily pad. Albert Nice and gentle Rodney. Rodney Shuddup! Rodney reaches and gently scoops the butterfly up in his cupped hands. He slowly makes his way back to the shore. Del Easy now, don't splash, go slowly, don't disturb it. Shush, mind how you go... Rodney I've got it! Albert He's got t. Del Good boy, come on. Rodney I bet I'll get a cold next week now! Del Shut up you tart! Rodney This water'll make my hair go frizzy! Del Don't worry, the alopecia'll soon cure that Rodney. If you get into difficulties, save the butterfly right? Rodney Stuff the butterfly! Del There's only a few of them things left in the world, there's millions of you! Albert Nice 'n' easy Rodney, almost there! Rodney places the butterfly in Del's hands. Del and Albert walk away a few yards leaving Rodney to get out of the water alone. Del Careful, careful, got it, got it. Albert Is he alright Del? Del Yeah he's alright. A bit wet, but he'll survive. The sun'll soon dry you out won't it? And then we'll take you down to the nice man who'll give Uncle Delly Welly three lovely grand! There is the sound of reggae music approaching. Del looks up to see Denzil approaching. Del holds his hands out to show Denzil. Del Denzil I've got your money. Denzil brings his hands smashing down on Del's in the West Indian greeting. Denzil Great man! I'll see you down the pub later! Del looks straight ahead in shock. He looks down at his hands and cringes. Rodney arrives dripping wet. Rodney What's that mess on your hands? Albert That used to be a butterfly Rodney! Rodney The butt...But...You didn't... Not when Denzil. Del nods. Rodney (cont'd) Well what a plonker! So what do we do now? Del clears his hands of the butterflies remains. He turns to the crowd. Del Ladies and gentlemen, how would you like to be the proud owners of a set of lowvery doors?


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