NIGHT. THE NAG'S HEAD.
Albert is playing the piano and singing 'I'm in the Mood
for Love.' A few of the locals, including Trigger, are
listening to him.
Trigger
(To Maureen)
He's good ain't he? I like
that! Hope he don't do no more
though!
Mike
'Ere Trigger, you coming to the
do Saturday night? Only I've
only got two tickets left!
Trigger
Yeah, put 'em down to me Mike!
Mike
Good boy. Now they're two pound
fifty each but you can have the
pair for a fiver!
Trigger
You're a pal!
Trigger pays him.
At a table Boycie and Del are playing cards. Behind them
nearby is a dartboard. Mickey Pearce and a few mates are
playing darts. Boycie looks up at a dart that has
thudded into the board. He is increasingly worried about
the flying missiles.
Boycie
Right, I'll go for a tenner on
that one.
Del
Royal Flush! Get out of that
my son!
Boycie
I don't know where you're
pulling 'em from tonight, Del
Boy, I really don't!
Another dart thuds into the board.
Boycie
(To Mickey and
his friends)
Now listen you cretinous little
erks! There is a three-yard
exclusion zone around this
table! And if another one of
your missiles should fall
within it, I will personally
shove it - point, shaft,
feathers an' all, right up your
gear box! Do I make myself
clear?
Mickey
Yeah, alright Boycie, we get
yer drift.
Boycie
Well just be aware then, eh,
just be aware...
(To Del)
Bloody peasants!
Del
That's what I like about you
Boycie, you've always been such
a good loser!
Boycie
Yeah, I've had plenty of bloody
practice where you're concerned,
ain't I?
Trigger arrives at the table.
Trigger
Mike says no gambling. He's
frightened of losing his
licence.
Boycie
Trigger, Michael knows very
well what he can do with his
bloody licence! I'm tryin' to
win my money back here.
Del
Alright, alright. There's
plenty of time Boycie. Listen,
I'll go and get some drinks.
What do you want, scotch,
scotch, Trigger?
Trigger
Cheers Del.
Boycie
About time an' all.
Del goes to the bar, calling to a mate as he does.
Del
Alright Tommy?
Tommy
Hello Del.
Del
'Ere, listen. Tell the enemy
that I haven't forgotten about
her sandwich toaster, I'll pop
it round to her in the
morning, alright? Michael
please, three scotches if
you don't mind.
Mike
Del, I've told you before, do
not gamble in the pub! I'll
lose my licence.
Del
Yeah why, no it's only a
friendly game.
Mike
Friendly, friendly? I've seen
at least fifty quid change
hands in here tonight!
Del
That's what I mean, it's a
friendly game!
(Hands Mike
a fiver)
There you are, put the rest in
the bottle, will you...I'm in
the mood for love.
Mike
'Ere Del, Del. D'you want
tickets for the do Saturday
night, I've only got two left?
Del
Yeah, on then, I'll have 'em.
Mike
Maureen, give them to Del, will
you. And get the money.
Maureen
That's a fiver.
Del's hands are full of drinks.
Del
Yeah, alright, go on, get the
money yourself. Help yourself.
They're in my pocket.
Maureen roots through both pockets of his trousers. She
is unable to find any money.
Maureen
There's no money in there!
Del
I know, it's in me jacket
pocket! Go on help yourself.
She produces his wallet and takes a fiver.
Maureen
You're a swine, you really
are.
Del
Take a pound for yourself.
Maureen
Yeah I will, thanks very much.
Del
There we are and thank you very
much.
Mickey and his gang move to the bar. Rodney enters.
Rodney
Maureen...Vodka and lemonade,
please.
Maureen
Vodka and lemonade.
Rodney
Oi Mickey, alright? We going
down the pizza palace later
on then?
Mickey
Well, we're going down there!
But we're with the birds see!
Rodney
Oh right. Yeah, well, I didn't
fancy a pizza to be honest!
Gotta be up early market and
all that.
Mike
'Ere Rodney, do you want
tickets for the do Saturday
night, only I've only got two
left?
Mickey
Well he won't want two, will
he Mike?
Rodney
Why won't I want two?
Mickey
Well you won't be bringing a
bird will you?
Rodney
Why shouldn't I be bringing a
Mickey
There's no reason Rodney, but
why break the habits of a
lifetime?
Rodney
Yeah, I'll have the two Mike!
How much?
Mike
Good boy, that's a fiver.
Mickey
Who you bringing then, your
Uncle Albert?
Rodney
I'm bringing a girl!
Mickey
Oh give over Rodney!
Rodney
I'm bringing a girl!
Mickey
What's her name?
Rodney
It's none of your business!
You'll have to find out
Saturday night, won't you!
Mickey
Who is it? 'Ere it's not that
sort form the fishmonger's is
it?
Rodney
No it ain't that sort form the
fishmongers actually. This one
happens to be in showbusiness.
Mickey
Showbusiness. You're a liar.
Rodney
I'm telling you the truth,
Mickey. You wanna see her, an'
all, she's a right bramma!
Mickey
Well, I've got ten says you
won't bring a bird on Saturday
night!
Rodney
Make it 20?
Mickey
Alright, 20!
Rodney
Right.
Del arrives.
Del
Oi, oi, oi. What's all the
noise? I can't hear myself
think here.
Rodney
He's betting me I ain't got a
bird to bring to the do
Saturday.
Del
Well, you ain't have you? What
really?
Rodney
Yes.
Del
Go on then Rodney, go on, take
him the mouthy git! Go on.
Rodney
I'll tell you what, make it 30.
Mickey
Make it 40 if you like!
Del
Go'n, go'n Rodney my son!
Rodney
I know, I know let's make it a
nice round 50.
Mickey
You're on! I'll see you
Saturday, and you'd better
bring your money with you.
Mickey and the gang exit.
Rodney
He's got more front than
Buckingham Palace ain't he?
Del
Don't worry, come Saturday
night you'll be the one that's
laughing won't you?
Rodney
Yeah!
Del
Yeah, that's it. Come on, come
and sit down over here and
hold yer noise, right.
Trigger
Here are Dave, you can sit
here, I'm going.
Boycie
Are we playing cards or what?
Del
Yeah come on.
Boycie
About bloody time an' all.
Del
Right it'll be down to you then
Boycie. Here...
(Referring to Mike)
Keep yer money to yourself will
you, 'cos of old...
Boycie
Okay, I will go a pound.
Del
Yeah, go on I'll have some of
that. Two pound.
Boycie
Four.
Del
Eight.
Boycie
Sixteen.
Del
Thirty-two, go on.
Boycie
Sixty-four!...
Trigger is collecting his coat from behind Boycie. As he
does he looks at Boycie's hand and then shakes his head
at Del.
Boycie
It's gonna cost you 128 to see
me Del Boy.
Del
Just a minute Boycie! Just a
minute. This is supposed to be
a friendly game ain't it.
Friendly? It's the start of
World War Three ain't it?
Boycie
Well what can we do Del, it's
just the way the bids have
gone!
Del
I'll tell you what we can do!
We can both take our bets
back, and start all over again,
and just you know try to play
a little more sensibly.
Alright?
Boycie
Alright Del Boy! Anything you
say. Right, a pound.
Del
I'll see you!
Boycie
I've got three tens!
Del
Oh well that beats me out of
sight Boycie. Well played my
son. Goodnight. Come on
Rodney let's go!
Del, Rodney and Trigger exit. Boycie is left staring at
his cards and his two pounds.
NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Del, Rodney and Albert are eating a take-away.
Del
Then I said to him, 'I'll see
you!' Well you should have
seen his face Uncle, he didn't
know whether to laugh or cry!
It was a picture weren't it
Rodney?
Rodney
Eh?
Del
Boycie's face - when I tucked
him up at cards!
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, it was triffic!
Albert
Wassamatter with you Rodney?
Rodney
Nothing!
Del
Come on Rodney cheer up. Pay
day tomorrow and then it's
Saturday when you take Mouthy
Mickey to the cleaners!
Rodney
Yeah.
(Taking a deep
breath)
Well that's what's bothering
me Del.
Del
Oh Rodney. You ain't starting
to feel sympathy for him 'ave
you? I mean, he's got far too
much rabbit. It's about time
he was put in his place once
and for all that boy.
Rodney
Del - I ain't got a girl for
Saturday night! I ain't got a
girl for any night!
Del
You ain't got a...Well why did
you keep upping the ante?
Rodney
You told me to! You were stood
behind me going 'Go on Rodney,
go on my son!'
Del
That's because you said you had
a girl and I believed you!
Rodney
Yeah, well I weren't telling
the complete truth!
Del
Telling the complete truth! You
were lying through yer back
bloody teeth, you stupid little
berk!
(To Albert)
He stands to lose fifty quid on
this!
Albert
Why d'you have to tell lies
Rodney?
Del
Yes.
Rodney
It was pride talking weren't
it? I mean, there was Mickey
Pearce and all the others and
they was laughing at me! So I
pretended! I lied! Anyway,
what's to say I won't meet a
girl by Saturday night?
Albert
That's the spirit Rodney!
There's loads of girls on this
estate. And one of 'em must be
willing to go out with you!
Rodney
Well, the thing is Albert, I've
been out with most of 'em in
the past.
Albert
What, didn't they like you?
Del
Well they haven't started a fan
club yet, have they Rodney?
Rodney
(Annoyed)
No Del, they ain't have they?
Del
'Ere, I've got it! I've got it!
What about that tubby girl, who
lives down by the community
hall there, she'll go out with
you Rodney. 'Cos she ain't got
a full deck!
Rodney
I can sort this one out on my
own, thank you Derek!
Del
Alright, alright, up to you.
Albert
'Ere, what about the girl from
the fishmonger's
Rodney
No thank you Uncle!
Del
Got it, cracked it. Remember a
couple of months ago when I
took you out on that blind
date?
Rodney
Remember it?? I'm still having
therapy for it! You are not
honestly suggesting I spend
another evening with Big
Brenda?
Del
Just 'cos she's taller than
you! Anyway, I heard she was a
very sporting girl!
Rodney
Yeah, but when you told me she
was a sporting girl I didn't
realise you meant she was
Southern Areas Shot-put
Champion!
Del
Well you seemed to get on with
her! Very well, you were
laughing and dancing and that.
Rodney
Del, I was scared of her! Any-
way, if you think I'm walking
into the Nag's Head on Saturday
night with Miss Anabolic
Steroids on me arm, you've got
another think coming. I could
not stand another night of:
'So I said to Zola' and 'Zola
said to me!'
Del
Oh well, you'll have to sort it
out yourself Rodney, I mean,
you know I've done me best,
ain't I, eh?
Albert
You wanna be careful Rodney!
Look at that little thing you
took to the pictures the other
week - lucky not to get yer
collar felt!
Rodney
Now that's not fair! She swore
blind to me she was 18!
Del
That's right, how did Rodney
know she was only nine?
Rodney
She was 16 that month! Anyway,
I didn't suspect nothing till
she paid her fare with a school
bus pass! And she did all the
chatting up! You know. I mean
she invited me to the pictures!
Albert
Well she had to didn't she,
they wouldn't let her in without
an adult!
Rodney
Oh get off my back you two! I'm
going to bed!
Del
Rodney, listen you are sure you
don't want me to phone up that
Big Brenda? Oi, watch your
language, these walls are paper
thin! I don't know, Uncle. I
don't know what the younger
generation's coming to, they
can't even swear without effing
and blinding!
NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
It is the following evening. Del is on the phone.
Del
Yeah, yeah, alright then
darling. Yeah, no it's been
lovely hearing your voice after
all these years! Okay, see you
around then. Bonjour.
(Replaces receiver)
Oh well. That's it. That's it.
That was the last one.
Albert
Last what?
Del
I've been phoning round some of
my old girlfriends, see if I
could pull something out of the
hat for Rodney. No luck. I tell
you what Uncle, phoning round
some of your old birds don't
'alf make you feel your age!
Albert
Some of them married now, are
they?
Del
A couple of 'em are dead! Any
phone calls for me today?
Albert
Yeah, that young Mickey Pearce
called, said he had a phone
number of a lonely hearts club
for Rodney!
Del
Cor, he's a lairy little sod
he is. I'd like to tuck him up,
I really would!
Rodney enters from the bedroom wearing a white jacket, a
black shirt and a white tie.
Del (cont'd)
Oh well, carry on. Alright
Rodney?
Rodney
Yep!
Del
(Noticing Rodney's
attire)
Bloody hell!
Albert
That reminds me, I'm playing
dominoes down the Legion
tonight!
Del
What have you done to yourself?
Rodney
Del, what you see before you is
the new me! The old Rodney
Trotter is dead! Long live the
King!
Del
You look like a liquorice all-
sort!
Rodney
You ain't gotta wear it, have
you?
Del
No, that's too true, I ain't!
Rodney
Look, I've still got a couple
of hours left to win that bet!
I'm going out to see if I
can't bump into a right bramma!
Del
Make sure you don't bump into
her on a zebra crossing. No, I
mean it looks a bit like now
you see me, now you don't! Do
you know what I mean? Rodney,
use your loaf, you're never
gonna pull a tart dressed up
like Bertie Bassett!
Rodney
You ain't getting to me Del so
save yer breath!
Del
Alright.
Albert
You know what would look good
on you Rodney, a big white
stetson!
Rodney
Do you know what would look
good on you Albert? A
doberman pinscher!
Del
Alright, alright, come on you
two...Now pack it in. Listen,
d'you want me to come with
you?
Rodney
You can if you like, I don't
care.
Del
Alright, alright, I'll come
with you.
Rodney
What you gonna wear?
Del
Sunglasses I should think!
Rodney
Oh don't bother, I'll go on me
own.
Del
Calm down, calm down. Come on,
calm down, have a cup of tea.
(To Albert)
And will you stop winding him
up!
Albert
I ain't said a word!
Del
No, well just make sure you
don't then! I don't know what
it is, but I keep getting this
yearning to put my Bobby Crush
LP on! Alright, where, Rodney,
where did you get that?
Rodney
I bought it off Paddy the Greek!
Del
Paddy...the Greek! Pad...That's
the rubbish I sold him last
Monday! When I offered it to
you then, you weren't
interested!
Rodney
Yeah, I know, but he was
cheaper than you!
Del
Yeah, well, I've got to cover
me overheads ain't I! Look,
there's gotta be easier ways to
win a bet than this ain't
there.
Albert
There's something I don't
understand! All these young
girls on the estate that you've
taken out.
Rodney
What about 'em?
Albert
How come none of 'em want to
see you again?
Del
Yeah, that is a bit of a mystery
innit, eh that?
Rodney
Alright seeing as how it's
'National let's take the piss
out of Rodney week'. I will
tell you. I frighten them off!
Alright?
Albert
Frighten them off?
Del
Yeah, well he's got this thing
about uniforms ain't he, you
know what I mean.
Rodney
It's got nothing to do with
uniforms! I got over that phase
months ago! Alright, look, to
morons like Mickey Pearce,
and...
(Almost indicates
Del)
...some of the others, a woman
is not a person, to talk to,
someone to relate to. Oh no, a
woman is just a trinket to
bolster their masculinity. You
know, something to hang on
their arm to prove their macho
image! Well I'm different!
Albert makes a puzzled and then frightened face.
Del
No, no, there's nothing like
that about him.
Rodney
Look either I like a girl, or
I don't! If I don't like her I
don't see her no more! Right
but if I do like her, I...tend
to get a bit serious! And well
I think that's what's frighten-
ing 'em off! They're young, you
know, they want to see a bit of
life - perhaps they don't want
a wally like me drooling round
'em! I just fall in love too
easy, that's my trouble!
Albert
It's our family trait Del! Us
Trotters wear our hearts on our
sleeves!
Del
Leave it out...he wears his
heart in his Wranglers!
Rodney
Oh, here we go again! See!
Del
You don't know what love is
Rodney, you haven't had enough
experience to know!
Rodney
I bet you have though ain't
yer??
Del
I certainly have bruv! I am
covered in emotional scars me.
Albert
I was in love once!
Del
Yeah? Triffic! You see Rodders,
I used to have this vision of
love! I used to imagine that
me, me and my - sweetheart -
were running, in slow motion,
through a field of buttercups!
We're both - you know, we're
both like that dressed in
white, and you know like...
(Patting his
belly)
...I'd done a bit of weight!
And suddenly - there in the
background I can hear
Semprini's orchestra playing
the theme tune from Doctor
Zhivago!
Albert exits to the bedroom.
Del (cont'd)
Where's he going?
Rodney
Probably gone to be sick!
Del
Shut up and listen, listen will
yer? Then again, you see
another time - another time. I
imagine us at the top of an
Alpine peak. Looking out across
the mountains and the forests,
it's just like as if we're the
last two people left alive in
the world. But suddenly behind
us you hear the sound of a lone
violin.
Rodney
Semprini on a skiing holiday is
it?
Del
Will you shut up and listen?
Rodney
Oh, come on Del, that ain't a
vision of love, it's a yoghurt
commercial!
Del
Oh well, thank you very much.
There I am tryin' to give you -
give you the benefit of my
experience and what do you do,
eh, you throw it back in my
face. Well thank...
Albert returns carrying an old photograph.
Del
What's this?
Albert
That's Helga!
Del and Rodney
Helga?
Del
Helga who?
Albert
I was in love with her! I don't
think I ever really stopped
loving her!
Rodney
Yeah, well it's getting on
ain't it, if we're going down
the club.
Albert
It was in 1946. We'd sailed in
to Hamburg to pick up some
prisoners of war. Helga was
working in a bar near the
docks. She was the most
beautiful woman I've ever
seen - I fell in love with
her the moment I saw her! The
little finger on her right
hand was missing!
Del
Caught her hand in the till
did she?
Albert
No, she lost it when her home
was bombed. Her entire family
was wiped out!
Del
Oh! Sorry!
Albert
I asked her to marry me. She
said no! Just like that, no!
See, I mistook her gestures of
friendship as tokens of love!
I suppose it was all for the
best really. You see the
authorities didn't like us
fraternising with the Germans,
and I was still married to yer
aunt Ada and she'd have kicked
up a stink! It's funny you
know, but even after all this
time, if I'm ever watching a
German war film and I hear the
word 'nein' I always think of
Helga!
Rodney
What, 'cos that's how many
fingers she had?
Albert
It's the German word for 'no'!
I'll put this back in the box.
Del
Yeah, that's it. Go on, you put
it somewhere safe.
Albert
I think in her own way she
loved me! She never used to
charge me as much as the other
lads!
Albert exits.
Del
He tells a good story don't he?
It gets you right here.
(Thumping his
chest)
Don't it, eh, - like bile. Well
come on - come on, shake a leg.
Come on.
Rodney
No, I don't think I'll bother
Del!
Del
Yeah come on, Rodney, come on
you've gotta make an effort!
Rodney
No, I'm never gonna pull a
bird, am I.
Del
Yes you are. Come on like,
remember, he who dares wins!
Rodney
Yeah, but that won't work for
me Del! I'll just have to pay
Mickey the money that's all.
Del
No you don't listen. I'll tell
you what you're gonna do.
(Producing a fiver)
Listen. I'll buy the bet off
you. Right, now if we win, I
collect the 50. If we lose, I
pay out. How's that grab you?
Rodney
Yeah, alright then!
Del
Good boy, you know it makes
sense! Now, come on then, we're
gonna go down and give those
dance halls a bit of an'
hammering tonight!
(Singing)
'Come on let's twist again
like we did last summer.'
Rodney
Yeah Del, this time, you know,
let's not just go crashing in
there right and - kick 'em in
the ankles and 'Wanna dance
darling?' You know, let's have
a bit of decorum this time,
eh? Bit of sophistication!
Del
What are you talking about?
Sophistication is my middle
name!
Rodney
Yeah, I know, I know, I just
forgot!
Del
Well that's alright then! Don't
you worry. Listen, I'm just
gonna have a - a clean pants,
splash of Brut, be with you in
a minute, alright son.
Rodney
Triffic!
NIGHT. A NIGHTCLUB.
A rather seedy dive. All the men appear to be second-hand
car dealers, all the women re rather tarty. Del and Rodney
enter and move to a vacant table.
Del
I don't know. Stone me. I right
blinding night this has turned
out to be ain't it, eh, cor
we've been everywhere! Empire
Leicester Square, Hammersmith
Palais, you name it we've
danced there! And the only
thing I've pulled is a
ligament in me back, trying to
do that bloody break dancing.
Surely to goodness Rodney,
one of them girls would have
done you!
Rodney
No, no, they wouldn't Del! This
one's got to be something a bit
special. I told Mickey she was
in showbusiness. You know, I
made her out to be a bit of a
film star!
Del
You didn’t tell me that when I
took the bet of you did yer?
Rodney
No!
Del
No, you saucy little git!
Honestly I don't - oh come -
sit - put your tookers down
there come on for heaven's
sake. Take the weight of it.
Well how are we gonna find a
Bo Derek look-alike in
Peckham? If it had been Bo
Diddley we'd have been
laughing!
Rodney
Well, we ain't gonna find her
here, are we? What d'you bring
us here for? Looks like a
trouble place to me!
Del
It's not a trouble place!
Rodney
Del, there's dried blood on
the door handle!
Del
The cleaners night off. Don't
worry.
(Indicating the
back of the pub)
'Ere look at that - oi, down
there - those two there -
those two there.
Rodney
Do I look like St George? Oh
come on Del, look at that
one, she's older than the Mary
Rose!
Del
She's alright. I thought you
said that this girlfriend of
yours was a bit of a film star.
Bette Davis is a film star!
Rodney
Yeah, well so was Rin Tin Tin
but I ain't taking a bloody
alsatian to the do!
Del
Don't know, it hasn't bothered
you other years! Has it?
Rodney
God, look at the state of her,
eh.
Del
Eh, what?
Rodney
You can see her wrinkles from
here!
Del
Alright, alright.
Rodney
Got a face like a bulldog
chewing a wasp, ain't she?
Del
Leave it - alright, go on, you
can have the best one!
Rodney
That is the best one!!
Del
I don't know what I'm going to
do. I just bloody give up with
you. I really do. What you
drinking?
Rodney
Lager.
Del goes to the bar.
Del
That's all your gonna get. Oi,
Orlando!
Sitting a few yards away is an attractive, if tarty, woman.
She is all body and little brains.
Del (cont'd)
'Ere Vonny. Vonny how are you?
How you going?
Von
Hello presh, how are you?
Del
Oh I'm alright. You know, I'm
doing a bit here, I'm doing a
bit there. You know me. What
are you doing these days, you
still stripping are you?
Von
I'm not a stripper Del, I'm an
exotic dancer!
Del
Ah yeah, of course you are.
Sorry. You still take yer
clothes off though, don't yer?
Von
Well it's part of the act!
Del
Yeah, yeah. 'Ere I heard you
got into a bit of trouble the
other week. What was that?
Von
Did you hear about that? Bloody
drug-crazed tourist, he jumped
up on the stage after me! He
tried to strangle me you know!
Del
Yeah I know, so I heard! How
is the snake now?
Von
Oh he got over it.
Del
Oh good, good.
Von
I've got the sack from most of
my clubs now.
Del
Oh yeah Orlando!
(To Vonny)
Yeah, why's that then?
Von
Well, to be honest with you
Del, I've been hitting the
bottle a bit too much.
Del
Oh, have you?
Von
Doctor says I've got a drink
problem. I said to him, I ain't
got no problem, I like it! Of
course, my real problem is
frustration!
Del
Perhaps I could help you out
there, couldn't I, eh?
Von
I shouldn't be a stripper Del!
Del
Oh I don't know, I think it
suits you.
Von
Deep down inside I'm a singer!
But no-one'll take me
seriously!
Del
No, I know. Gives you the 'ump
don't it, eh? Oi Orlando.
Von
(Starts singing)
'I would not leave you in times
of trouble.'
Del
Yeah, that's beautiful Vonny,
that is, really lovely you
know. Yeah, you'll go a long
way!
Von
(Still singing)
'We never could have come this
far. I took the good times.'
Del
That's really nice Vonny, that
is, yeah beautiful I love it.
Von
(Still singing)
'I'll take the bad times.'
Del
Yeah super...Oi, Orlando.
Von
(Still singing)
'I love you just the way you
are.'
Del
Gordon Bennett, that's my
bloody ear'ole Vonny...
Von
Sorry presh!
Del
Stone me, leave it out. 'Ere
just a minute. You know my
local, don't you? The Nag's
Head. Well there's a bit of a
do on there tomorrow night,
do you fancy going?
Von
Will they let me sing there?
Del
Well yes, they'll insist!
Von
Alright then. You gonna pick
me up?
Del
No, well you see you won't be
going with me!
Von
Who am I going with then?
Del
It's alright, you'll be going
with my dopey little brother
over there.
Von
(Looking)
Where?
Del
He's over there! Over there at
that table, there look.
Von
Well there's no-one there,
just some geezer dressed up as
a negative!
Del
Yeah, that's him!
Von
Oh Del...
Del
I stand to win a bet.
Von
Oh Gawd!
Del
Listen Vonny. I'm on for a 50
here, alright.
Del hands Von some money.
Del (cont'd)
I'll tell you what, come on
look there's a score in it for
yourself.
Von
Oh ta Del.
Del
Alright. Go'n then!
Von
What?
Del
Well, you've gotta go over
there haven't you and you've
gotta chat him up! Make it
look real! Go on. That's it,
use your charm girl. Go on.
Rodney is looking bored. He catches Vonny looking at him.
Vonny smiles. Rodney looks over his shoulder to see if
someone is behind him. Rodney returns a nervous smile.
Vonny come over.
Von
Hi!
Rodney
Oh, watcha!
Von
Is this anyone's seat?
Rodney
Em...No! No!
Von
My name's Yvonne.
Rodney
I'm Rodney...
Von
I haven't seen you in here
before!
Rodney
No, well that's probably
something to do with the fact
that I've never actually been
here before! So, do you work
here?
Von
Oh no. I'm... erm... I'm in
show-business!
Rodney
Really? You ain't done any
films have you?
Von
Oh well, there was a couple
when I was younger, but I'd
rather not talk about it! I
just called in here tonight on
the off chance, I was hoping I
might bump into some friends.
I heard someone was throwing
a party tomorrow night! But
now it looks as though I'll
have to spend the evening in
on my own!
Rodney
Oh!
Von
Yes, I've got absolutely no-
thing to do tomorrow night!
Rodney
Listen, I've got a couple of
tickets for a do! It's only a
pub...
Von
(Cutting in)
Oh, I'd love to go with you,
thank you!
Rodney
It starts about 8.30.
Von
Oh, I'll see you there.
Rodney
Well, hold on, I'd better write
the address down for you.
Von
Oh it's alright, I know where
the Nag's Head is! Must rush.
Von exits.
Del arrives back at Rodney's table.
Del
There you go. Don't tell me
you've pulled!
Rodney
(Smugly)
I have.
Del
You haven't!
Rodney
I have.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The lounge is in darkness. We hear the front door slam.
Del enters and switches on the lights. He is in a state
of panic and has obviously been running. The doorbell
rings.
Del calls through to the closed door.
Del
Rodney, Rodney listen. Now
listen to me. Let me explain
before - before I do something
you'll regret, I'll explain
to you, you see...
Albert
No Del, it's me Del.
Del
Ah! Oh it's you. Come on in
where's Rodney?
Albert
He's coming up the stairs. Oh
he's after your blood, Del.
Del
It wasn't my fault. Well not
entirely. I only did it so
that he could win the bet. I'm
sure in the cold light of day
Rodney will realise that
Vonny's behaviour wasn't that
bad.
Albert
Oh it was bad, Del. It was
very bad. At one point Rodney
started crying.
Del
Oh no!
Rodney storms in.
Rodney
I am going to kill you!
Del
Careful, now listen, don't be
a plonker all yer life!
Rodney
You set her...up to...going
out with me!
Del
I did not set her up, I paid
her!
Rodney
You paid her? Well that' worse!
Come here.
Del
Now listen. Stop it. Alright,
now listen, I only did it for
you to win the bet. And to
save your pride!
Rodney
My pride!? Tonight, in front of
half of Peckham, the bird I
told everyone was my girlfriend
stood on the counter and took
all her clothes off!
Albert
I don't think anyone noticed
Rodney!
Rodney
Well you certainly noticed
Uncle! Because you stood on a
chair to notice!
(Indicating Del)
At one point he almost knocked
you off!
Del
That's right, he did. No listen
alright, so she has one too
many gins, I didn't know she
had drink problem.
Rodney
No, I found out a couple of new
things about her as well. I
didn't know she could juggle
light ale bottles. I didn't
know she couldn't sing! And
where id that snake come from??
Del
I don't know! Nobody knows
where it went either!
Rodney
That's it isn't it? I will
never ever live this evening
down. This is the sort of
stuff that legends are made
of! Right? I was telling
everyone how me and Yvonne was
thinking of getting engaged.
And I turned round and there
she is stark b...with nothing
on! I had her singing in one
ear and Hissing Sid in the
other!
Albert
Yeah, but you won your bet
didn't you?
Rodney
Yeah, I won my bet alright.
Del
Ah good boy, did Mickey Pearce
pay up?
Rodney
Yeah, he paid up - he was
laughing but he paid up.
Del
Alright. Come on come on, let's
have the 50!
Rodney flicks a 50p coin to Del.
Del
What's this? 50p??
Rodney
Yeah.
(Smiling)
Oh, I bet I know what you
thought!
Del
You and that Mickey Pearce,
you're like a couple of bleedin
kids!
Albert
I can't wait to tell the boys
down the market! Rodney's girl
did a strip and Del Boy won a
50p bet.
Rodney is looking into the hood of Albert's duffle coat.
Rodney
Uncle, stand very still! There
is a snake in the hood of your
duffle coat!
Albert freezes.
Albert
What?
Del
(Looking)
God there is too. Look at it.
It's a big 'un. Quick go down
and phone the vet's quickly.
Rodney and Del
Hissss...
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.