Only Fools And Horses

Sleeping Dogs Lie

NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is seated at the table reading a newspaper. Albert is near the colour TV and is moving the aerial around trying to get a picture. Del is on the phone. Del No, no, no, no, everything's cushty! Yeah, no, no, no, you've got nothing to worry about. You know me, I'll do anyone a favour if the money's right, yeah. Albert (To Rodney) You have to interfere don't yer? Rodney I was merely trying to get a picture for yer! Albert I had a picture till you come in and started mucking around with the aerial! Rodney There was a ghost on the screen! Albert Course there was a ghost on the screen - I was watching an 'orror film! Just leave things alone will yer Rodney! Rodney D'you realise there are nigh on four million people unemployed in this country! And all you can do is sit there and watch horror films! Albert What would you like me to do? Rodney Well...You could at least think about it! Albert I've been thinking about it, that's why I want to watch the horror film. Del Oi, 'old on, shut up you two will yer, I'm on the blower. Yes, sorry, go on. Rodney Course I blame it on computers! I mean, how many people have been put on the dole by robots that can build cars and what ave yer? That's why I'll never get a proper job! 'Cos they can train a robot to do some- thing better than I can! Albert (Mumbling) They could train a chimpanzee to do it better than you! Del Yeah, okay, I'll see yer tomorrow morning about eleven o'clock. (Putting receiver down) Yeah, cheers. That's it Rodney. I've got a coup. I've pulled off a coup Rodders, a genuine coup. Rodney Oh, not another coup! What you done this time? Del We have got a guest coming to stay for the next couple of weeks. A paying guest! Albert Yeah? Who's that then Del? Del It's not 'who' it's 'what'. Rodney What? Del Exactly, it's a dog! And I don't want any of your smart remarks either. It's Boycie's and Marlene's puppy! They're going away on holiday tomorrow and they want us to look after it. Rodney Why don't they just stick it in kennels? Del You see Marlene don't trust 'em! See, the thing is Rodney, for the last few years Boycie and Marlene have been trying to start a family right, but so far, as they say on the continent, nito! Rodney So what's this gotta do with their dog? Del Marlene started getting broody, right, so did Boycie. He goes and buys her a little puppy. I mean pukka thing you know, it's got a pedigree. Cost him 600 quid, 600 quid. Well I said to him, I said, you know Boycie, I mean if you'd have come to see me like, I could have got you one much cheaper. Rodney Cheaper like, you know what I mean? Del Anyway, Marlene right, she thinks that this puppy is her baby now, you know what I mean, and she don't want her baby put in some muddy old kennels. She wants it to receive personal attention! The sort that we can provide! For 60 quid a week! Rodney 60 quid a week?? Del, we don't know nothing about it! I mean, canine welfare, right, that's a specialised profession. Del Oh leave it out Rodney! I mean look all you've gotta do is feed it in the morning, right, take it for a walk across the adventure playground and Bob's yer uncle! Rodney And what if Boycie and Marlene find out? Albert We'll have to swear the dog to secrecy won't we! Rodney I meant, what happens if one of the neighbours tell them? Del So what are they gonna say? 'We saw Rodney taking your dog every morning and every evening for a walk!' Well what's wrong with that? That's exactly what Boycie and Marlene want us to do innit, eh? Del exits into the kitchen. Rodney What do you mean they saw Rodney taking the dog for a walk every morning and every night? Del (OOV) It's just a figure of speech that's all Rodders. Rodney Oh no it ain't a figure of speech. I know your games Derek Trotter. Del No leave it out. EXT. DAY. BOYCIE'S HOUSE. Boycie's Merc with the boot open is parked in the drive. Boycie exits from the house carrying a couple of suit- cases. Boycie puts a case in the boot and checks his watch. He bends into the boot as Del pulls up and gives a blast on his horn. Boycie leaps up in surprise and whacks his head on the boot. Del and Rodney alight stifling laughter. Boycie I'll have a headache for the entire flight now! You were supposed to be here 'alf an hour ago! Del No, no, we're on time Boycie! There must be something wrong with your watch! 'Ere, don't wanna buy a decent one do you? Boycie What from you?? You must be joking! Marlene exits from the house. She is a dapper little cockney woman. Del Why listen...Hello Marlene my love! Marlene Hello sweetheart! Del touches her up as they kiss each other. Del Wohoo! Marlene Did you have a nice Christmas? Del Oh triffic yeah. Marlene I had a dog! Rodney Yeah, we had a turkey same as every other year! Marlene Oh yeah! Honestly, you two are as bad as each other! Woho! Del touches her up again. Marlene Derek!! Boycie Marlene, why don't you go an' get the dog then perhaps we can get going! Marlene Yeah alright, I'll fetch his food as well. Marlene exits into the house. Boycie I don't like your lipstick Del. Del What? Del brushes off Marlene's lipstick from his face. Rodney So where you off to Boycie? Boycie Oh, we're just off for a couple of weeks in the Seychelles! You ever been to the Seychelles have you? Del Dunno. Have we ever been to the Seychelles Rodney? Rodney I'd have to check me passport. Boycie Now are you sure you'll be able to look after this dog? Del Of course I will! Rodney Yeah, oh yeah, Del's had lots of experience! Boycie Right remember, this is not just a dog. This is Marlene's baby! Sometimes I wish I'd never bought it. Marlene exits from the house with a Great Dane on a leash. She is struggling to hold the dog back. She also carries a large hold-all. Del You didn't tell me it was a Great Dane! Boycie Didn't I? Must have slipped my mind! Rodney I thought it was a puppy! Boycie He is! Del Gordon Bennett! Marlene Duke, this is your Uncle Del and Rodney... Duke barks. Marlene (cont'd) He's lovely ain't he? Del Triffic! Marlene Take him for walkies first thing in the morning, once in the evening and then again last thing at night. When it's his bedtime you put a blanket over him and then you talk to him for a while. Del You don't want us to bring his wind up? Marlene No, he should be alright! And don't worry, he's house- trained. Rodney But we live in a flat! She opens the hold-all to reveal huge steaks, etc. Marlene In here his vitamin pills. One in the morning, before break- fast, not after! Boycie We've got a plane to catch Marlene! Come on, kiss him goodbye. Marlene Bye Del, see you soon. She kisses Del. Boycie For Gawd's sake, the dog Marlene! Marlene Bye-bye my little bubba-luba! I know Dooky's gonna miss his Mummy, and Mummy's gonna miss her little Dookie-Wookie Wookie. Boycie Makes you wanna throw up don't it? Del Yeah, I feel a bit Tom and Dick myself! Marlene leads the dog to the back of the van. The dog leaps into the back. Boycie Come on Marlene, we're gonna miss that plane! Marlene If he bites you, don't scream - he's highly strung! Rodney Is it alright if we bleed? Marlene Oh he doesn't sink his teeth in. He's only playing! Bye-bye, bye-bye DookyWookie. (To Boycie) Did you switch everything off? Boycie Yes! Marlene Did you lock everything up? Boycie Get in the car! Boycie and Marlene pull away. Del and Rodney look at each other. They look at the van, which is rocking as Duke moves around inside. Del Well go 'n then Rodney. Rodney What? Del Jump in! Rodney After you Del! Del I've got to get the food! Rodney I don't mind waiting! Del picks up the hold-all. Del Here look at this Rodders. Steak, fillet steaks, chicken breasts, veal escallops! We're gonna eat well for the next week or so. Rodney It's supposed to be for the dog! Del You must be joking! That thing's gonna get a bowl of Kennomeat every day and think itself lucky. Rodney And what happens if Marlene finds out? Del And how's she gonna find out? I suppose Duke's gonna grass us up is he? Del climbs into the driver's seat. Del Come on Rodney! Here you re, do some work for a living. Rodney gingerly climbs in. There is a menacing growl. Rodney That dog don't like me! Del He's alright, he can smell fear! Rodney I'm surprised he can smell anything at all with that gallon of Brut you're wearing! Del Come on. DAY. A PUBLIC PARK. NEXT DAY. The van pulls up. Del and Rodney alight. Del Your turn today Rodney. Rodney It was my turn yesterday. Del Go on Rodney, take him for a run. Rodney moves to the back of the van. Del wanders off puffing a cigar. Rodney Duke. Duke, here you are then. Come on, up you get old boy! Come on look...look...look ready Duke! Rodney shows the dog an old tennis ball and throws it. He repeats it with another ball. Rodney (cont'd) Duke come on shake a leg! Duke is lying flat out in the back of the van with no sign of life. Rodney (cont'd) (Fearful) Duke!! Del is approaching an attractive woman who is walking a Dachshund. Del Hello, he's nice, how long you had him? Or has he always been that length? I'm a Great Dane man meself! Young Lady Really? Del Won Crufts two years on the trot! Young Lady Really? Del Oh yeah, you might have seen me on the Chum advert? Young Lady I can't say that I actually have! Del Oh yes. Nothing I don't know about dogs. You want any advice, you know I'm yer man. Young Lady Well, Sacha keeps tearing little holes in my carpet. What would you recommend. Del A new carpet! As it happens I know this little bloke down in Wapping Way, he'll fit you up a treat! He's Iranian but he's got contracts in Persia! Rodney approaches, shouting. Rodney Del! Del! Del Ah, here's my trainer! What is it Rodney? Rodney I don't wanna worry you but I think the dog's dead! Del is stunned. Rodney (cont'd) Let me re-phrase it shall I? I don't wanna worry you but I think the dog is dead! Now come on! Del (To young woman) You just can't get the staff these days! They set off running. Del What have you done to it you dipstick? Rodney I ain't touched it! Del This is a wonderful turn of events this is! Boycie and Marlene ain't even got the top of their sun tan oil and we're burying their dog! They arrive at the van. Rodney Look! Del Come on Duke boy! Cats! Cats! Meow. No, he ain't dead Rodney, he's breathing look! Rodney Thank Gawd for that! So what's the matter with him? Del Well I don't know do I? We'd better get him down a vet's! This is gonna cost an arm and a leg this is! Rodney notices the two tennis balls that he threw earlier as he is about to climb into the van. Rodney Oi Del, shall I get his balls? Del You leave him alone! I don't want him waking up in a temper! DAY. WAITING ROOM OF VETERINARY CLINIC. Del and Rodney are the only people in the room. After a few seconds, Rodney gives an ironic laugh. Del What? Rodney I was just thinking, that's all, Marlene's tried for all these years to have a baby and failed. When you tell her her Dookie-Wookie's croaked it she'll have twins! Del He is not dead! Rodney He ain't chasing many cats though is he? Del Look, maybe this is normal! Rodney Normal? Del, what you tryin' tell me? Dogs hibernate or something? Del No, what I mean is. I mean is I mean...Oh I don't know what I mean do I! All I want you to know is something. I ain't blaming you! Rodney What d' you mean you're not blaming me? I ain't done nothing! Del That's why I'm not blaming you! But...When you put Duke in the back of the van you didn't catch his head when you slammed the door? Rodney No I didn't! Del Are you sure? Rodney Del, if you catch a Great Dane's head in a door, you know you've caught a Great Dane's head in a door! Del Yeah, I suppose you're right. Rodney I'll tell you who's to blame for this. Uncle Albert! Del Why, what did he do? Rodney He didn't do nothing, he's just a jinx! Del Oh don't start all that again Rodney! Rodney I've said it before, I'll say it again. That man is a right Jonah! They reckon when he boarded his lat ship the crew shot an albatross for luck! Del Will you stop going on about bloody Albert! Rodney Well it's a bit of a coincid- ence though innit Del? I mean, yesterday we pick up a perfectly health dog. One night in the flat and 'wallop', the curse of the Trotters is upon it! Del Everything is gonna be alright, I've got a felling! Dookie's gonna be okay, he'll come out in a minute he'll be full of life, full of vim and full of vigour. Rodney I wish I had your faith Del! A young attractive receptionist enters. Del Oi up. Well, what's the SP? Receptionist Mr Collis is running a few final tests. He shouldn't be too long. Rodney How's Duke? Receptionist He's holding his own. Del There are Rodney, he's up to his old tricks already! Receptionist No, you don't understand. Duke is still unconscious! Look, why don't you sit down and relax. Duke is in the best possible hands, I can assure you. Del Yeah, yeah, okay, thanks darling. Rodney D'you know what I feel bad about now? That leg of pork Marlene put in the bag for Duke. Del Well what about it? Rodney Well we ate it last night, didn't we! Dookie had to make do with a tin of dog food! Every mouthful of that dinner made me feel more and more guilty. Del You should have let me know Rodney you and him could have swopped! Anyway, he had some of it didn't he? Rodney What, warmed up left-overs for breakfast! Del I didn't hear Duke complaining, did you? Rodney We even had his steaks for lunch the other day didn't we? Del Duke has steak every day, he's most probably sick to death of the steaks, ain't he? Can you now change the subject please? Bloody steaks and legs of pork! Can't we talk about something know. (Struggling to pronounce it) Aesthetical? Rodney You want to...yeah, yeah, sure you take it away Derek. Del struggles to find something aesthetical to say. He notices the receptionist. Del Couldn't 'alf give that one, couldn't you Rodney? The Vet enters. Del Oh Doc, any news? Vet It's difficult to say. His heart beat is normal. Del Is that good? Vet Of course! All the tests have proved negative, I'm just awaiting the results of his blood sample. Rodney Have you taken an X-ray? Vet Yes, yes, there's no sign of damage. It's a complete mystery! Never mind, we'll keep him here as long as necessary. Where shall I send the bill? Receptionist I got the details here sir. Del How long d'you think it'll take Doc? Vet Oh, it shouldn't take long, not if I send it first class. Del No, no, no, I don't mean that. I mean how long will it take for Dookie's recovery! Vet Oh, I see. Well it will take as long as it takes Mr Trotter! All we can do now is keep a close eye on him and let nature take its course...what have you been feeding him on? Rodney Tins of... Del (Cutting in) Steak! Steak, best porterhouse steak for his lunch. Liver for his supper. Roast pork for his breakfast. Only the very finest. He's had his milk, vitamins, he's had his, you name it he's had it! Vet Pork? For his breakfast? Was it freshly cooked pork? Del Yeah, freshly cooked the night before. Vet Did you re-heat it thoroughly? Rodney Well, we warmed it up a bit. Vet You warmed it up a bit!? Oh well, I think we may have solved the mystery, were neither of you aware that white meat, particularly pork, unless thoroughly re-heated, is a notorious breeding ground for salmonella poisoning? Del Salmonella poisoning!! You reckon that's what Duke's got? Vet Well, a strong possibility wouldn't you say? This leg of pork, do you still have it? Rodney Not on us! Del No it's at home in the fridge. Vet Could you bring it in for examination? Del Yeah, we'll pop back and get it right away. Come on Rodders. Rodney Del. The dustmen come round today. Albert might have slung it! Del Oh no, that dozy git! Can I use your phone? Del begins dialing the phone. Rodney If it is salmonella, d'you reckon he'll survive? Vet It depends what strain of salmonella it is. That's why I need to examine that meat! How long have you had the dog? Rodney Oh er, one day. Vet One day?? Rodney Oh, it's not our dog. It belongs to friends, we're just looking after him! Del (On phone) Albert? It's Del Boy. Listen, that...Yeah, ahoy there! Listen Albert that pork in the fridge...Yeah...Pickles and crusty bread. Sounds lovely Albert. (To Rodney and the Vet) He's eaten it. Vet Oh God! I'll phone the hospital from my office. Get him down here as quickly as you can. Del Albert, Albert - Uncle Albert. Now listen to me, listen very carefully. I want you to do me a favour. I want you to put a few things in your duffle bag, put your coat on and go and stand in the hall and wait for me and Rodders. We're gonna pop you down the hospital... You've gotta have an operation! Rodney He won't have to have an operation! Del A fiver says he does! Rodney Alright, you're on! Del What? I know you don't want to have an operation! Nobody wants to have an operation! But everyone at some time of their life as to have one! And today it's your turn! Now listen... Well, you know that pork you had for dinner?'re gonna laugh at this Albert... Rodney A pound he don't! Del Well, there's a strong possib- ility that it contained sam- and-ella poisoning! (Handing Rodney a pound) Oi, stop that, stop that, you're a grown man, pull your- self together, now listen we're gonna come down and pick you up in a couple of minutes, now be ready. Del Rodney you should have warned me about this. Rodney What d'yer mean warn you? I didn't even know myself! Del You've got GCE's ain't yer? Del exits. Rodney (Calls) Yeah. I got a GCE in Maths and Art! I ain't got a GCE in pork! NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney enters from the kitchen. Del is on the phone. Del Well tell him we'll be in to see him tomorrow. Yeah...Thank you Sister. Yeah okay, bonjourno. Ha ha, see what I mean, little bit of French, Rodney, little bit of French knocks 'em bandy. Rodney Yeah, yeah, yeah, what about Albert? I take it we can't go and see him tonight then. Del Ar no, he's none too clever apparently, I mean you know and pipes and...gadgets, everything stuck in him! You know. Rodney (Producing a bag of grapes) Oh well, waste not want not, do you want a grape? Del Yeah, why not? Cheers, bring 'em over here will you. Rodney Oh did you get in touch with the vet's? Del Yeah. He said Duke was...coma- tose! Rodney Comatose? Well funnily enough I thought of that when I saw him spark out in the back of the van! Del You'd be right Rodney wouldn't yer? 'Cos I bet with this comatose, most probably sleep's the best thin for him! Rodney Yes Derek. Rest, rest and more rest! Oh did they operate on Albert? Del No. Rodney That's a bit of luck. You owe me a fiver! Del What? Rodney In the vet's remember? I said they wouldn't operate, you said they would! And you laid a fiver on it. The telephone rings. Del Never mind about that, the phone, go on, the phone, go on there may be work there. Look, go on, go on. Rodney picks up the receiver. Rodney Yeah? Who is it? Boycie... Boycie?? Del Where is he? Has he come home early or something? Rodney So where are you phoning from Boyce? You're still over there? Yeah, Del? Rodney Er...Del's not in at the moment! Oh yeah he's 'ere... Yeah, alright, put her on. Hello Marlene...Don't you worry about Duke, he's as happy as they come! Yeah, get down Duke! The little rascal, he's jumping all over me! Most probably recognises your voice, eh Marlene? Eh? (To Del) She wants Duke to talk to her! Del Talk to her!? He's a bloody dog, the scatty mare! Tell her she can't. Rodney holds the mouth piece in Del's direction. Rodney (To Del) Come on Duke, come and talk to Mummy! Come on Dookie, talk to Mummy. Del puts his mouth to the mouth piece and makes a quick, dog-like panting sound. Rodney He's run off into the kitchen now Marlene and there's someone at the door, so I've gotta go, bye! DAY. A TWO-BEDDED HOSPITAL WARD WITH A SMALL CORRIDOR LEADING OFF. A young, pretty nurse exits from a ward and crosses the path of Del and Rodney. Rodney looks up the corridor in the nurse's direction. Del Oi, oi! You up to that again are you? Women in uniforms? Rodney No I'm not! Del I tell you Rodney, the way you carry on you'll end up married to an arkela! A Doctor passes them. Del Doctor, sorry, we've come to pick up our Uncle. Rodney Mr Trotter. The nurse said he might be able to leave. Doctor Oh yes, of course. I'll, er, I'll have a quick look at him first. Last night he underwent some rather - thorough examinations... Del Yes, so the sister said on the phone! So was there anything wrong with him! Doctor Not that I could find! In fact I've just come off the phone to Mr Collis at the veterinary clinic. Apparently the dog has now made a complete recovery. Rodney Duke's back on his feet? Doctor Still, you did the right thing to bring your Uncle in. Better safe than sorry! Okay. Let's go and see how he is... The Doctor leads Rodney and Del through the doors. The screen is removed and Albert is dresses and putting a few things in his rucksack. Doctor Mr Trotter. Albert You ain't doing nothing else to me are you? Doctor No, no, don't worry! Del Alright then? Albert No I'm not! I was alright yesterday though! Yesterday I'd never felt better in all me life! But you had to drag me in here for bloody Frankenstein to experiment on! They've had me on me back, on me belly, upside down, every which way but loose! Wires, pipes, tubes, bits of string, injections! And what d' they give me for lunch today? Roast bleedin' pork! Rodney Oh well, you didn't miss much on the telly last night so... Albert What was wrong with me? Del Er...nothing! Albert Nothing?? You mean I've had stomach pumps, anemones, glucose drips and students drawing all over my belly with felt tip pens and there was nothing wrong with me?? Del Great innit, eh? Yeah! Albert I noticed you didn't come and see me lat night! Still, I suppose you were too busy visiting the dog? Fight for yer country, risk yer life in sea and flame, then you get old and everyone forgets you! Del Listen you old... (Aware of the Doctor) You silly old sausage. They wouldn't let us visit you last night 'cos you was under observation! Albert Oh, don't give me that son! Rodney We bought you grapes! Albert Yeah, where are they? Del We ate 'em! Albert I see! I lay here last night, tubes sticking out of every place they could stick 'em in! Couldn't sleep, pills wouldn't even work, and all the time you two were eating my grapes! Rodney Come on, we missed you last night! Albert Did you? Rodney Mmmmh! We had no-one to spit our pips at! Let's get out of here Del, he's giving me the hump! Doctor Any problems? Albert No doctor, there's nothing wrong with me! In fact I feel full of fitness and vitality! Doctor Good, good! Well, bye for now Mr Trotter, see you again! Albert Not if I see you first shipmate! Del Come on, hurry up, we're gonna get you home. Del and Rodney move a few yards away. Del The moaning, miserable old git you... Rodney Don't stop does he? Yeah! I mean, we got him all that treatment. All for nothing! Del Yeah! And does he think any- thing of it? No does he hell! The Doctor produces a bottle of pills. Doctor Oh by the way. Sister gave me these. Del Why, what's the matter with you? Doctor No, no. She found them in your Uncle's locker. Del Oh I see. Doctor Patients are not allowed to bring their own medication into the hospital. Please bear that in mind in the future. Del What's he doing with these then? They're Duke's vitamin tablets! Rodney No, they're Albert's sleeping pills. (Producing identical bottle) I've got Duke's vitamins here. Del Bloody hell Rodney! You've been giving Duke his sleeping pills! Rodney No! They were on the sideboard, I thought...Albert's been taking the Bob Martins? Del No wonder he's full of vital- ity! Rodney What shall we do? Del Well don't start throwing any sticks! Rodney Shall we tell him? Del No, no, no, it's a bit unfair after what he's been through! Rodney Yeah, let's tell him! Del Look, he's miserable enough as it is isn't he? Rodney Yeah, he'll start thinking he's gonna turn into a werewolf or something! Del We'll stay schtum on the whole affair! Don't say a word and no one'll be any the wiser! Just keep a close eye on him at lampposts and things! They move back to the bed attempting to contain their laughter. Del Come on then Unc. We'll get you home. We've gotta pick Duke up, Rodney's gotta take him for a run. Rodney Actually you can come as well if you like Albert? Albert What's the matter with you two? Rodney Nothing, nothing! Well let's go then. Del moves away a few yards and turns to Albert. He slaps his thighs. Del (As if calling a dog) Come on boy!

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