Only Fools And Horses

It's Only Rock And Roll

DAY. THE WAREHOUSE. The three-wheeled van is parked a few yards from the warehouse door. Del exits carrying a large cardboard box, bearing the words: 'Kandy Doll. Your Talking Friend.' Del opens the back door of the van and pushes it in. An identical box is already in there. Inside the warehouse Rodney is talking on the phone. There are another 8 'Kandy Doll' boxes in the ware- house. Rodney Yes, so we're definitely rehearsing tonight? Eight o' clock down the hall! Right, will the rest of the group be there? Oh great man! Del Oi Ringo! (Obviously tired) I hope that all my huffing and puffing ain't interrupting you! Rodney Eh? No! It's no sweat man! Del Well it's certainly not coming from you, you lazy little git! Rodney I've gotta go Charlie. Look, I'll see you later on, alright. Rodney joins Del. Rodney bangs out a drum beat on one of the boxes. Rodney (cont'd) Rehearsing with the group tonight! Del Group! You're a drummer who's got no drums! Rodney No - well, it's early days yet! Del I don't know why you waste your time with that bunch of wallies for. Rodney They're not a bunch of wallies! Anyway, you haven't heard us play yet. Del I don't need to! I mean, look who yer lead singer is, Mental Mickey! Rodney Oi, there's nothing wrong with Mickey Maguire! Del Nothing wrong! He bit a bloke's ear off once, that's all. Rodney Not all of it! Del Well, before you become deeply involved in any musical argument with Mental Mickey, make sure you're wearing a bullet-proof balaclava! Let's get this stuff in the van. Rodney What we bought anyway? Del Well, it's obvious innit, sausages! Talking dolls, innit. Rodney I mean what sort of stock is it? Bankrupt, fire damaged, water damaged, soiled or just plain hooky? They go outside. Del It's none of them Rodney! These are near-perfects! Rodney Near-perfects! So what's wrong with 'em? Del Nothing. Rodney Well, if there's nothing wrong with 'em why aren't they called 'perfects'? Del It's just a bit of legal jargon used by the insurance company to save on paperwork that's all. Don't worry about it. Rodney That's easy for you to say, but I'm the one who has to go down the Arndale Centre and flog these things, I mean, look at the aggro I had at Christmas with them cricket bats! (Quoting Del) 'Each one personally autogra- phed by Viv Richards!' Del And each one was personally autographed by Viv Richards! Alright, it wasn't the Viv Richards! Rodney No, it was Davey Richards' eldest sister! I had nothing but comebacks on that! Del opens one of the boxes and removes a carton contain- ing a doll. He removes doll head, keeping it upright all the time. Del (cont'd) No, you'll be alright with these things. I mean have a look, take a look, can you see anything wrong with 'em? Rodney No, it looks alright! Del Alright! This is Taiwan's finest Rodney! This is quality par excellence this gear! We'll pick the rest of 'em up after dinner. G'on, jump in the van. Del replaces the doll in the carton feet first. As he does the doll leans backwards. Doll What's up Doc? Rodney Eh? Del What? Rodney I thought you said something! Del No! Rodney Oh! You know, I reckon this group of mine could go places. Del And the sooner the better if you ask me. Rodney We're styling ourselves on Frankie Goes to Hollywood! Rodney beats out a drum beat on the van roof. Del has his head inside the van and, surprised by the banging, springs up and smashes his head on the roof. Del You dozy little twonk Rodney. You bang my roof like that again and it won't be Frankie Goes to Hollywood, it'll be Rodney goes to hospital. Rodney Bloody hell Del, I said I'm sorry, didn't I? Del You will be if I get a head- ache. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. The TVs are off. Uncle Albert is standing at the drinks cabinet. He has just lit one of Del's cigars. He pours brandy into a cut glass goblet. During all this he is singing to himself. Albert 'The wind is blowing, the snow is snowing...' Del enters from the hall. Del Oi, get your thieving hands off! Albert I weren’t feeling all that well, Del. Del You'll feel even worse if I catch you at my Courvoisier again. Albert What's all the big hurry then? Del I've just heard a very intere- sting bit of news down the pub. Er, listen have you ever heard of the Shamrock Club, over at Deptford? The Paddies' Moulin Rouge! Albert That place? I've read about it in the local paper! Del Well, their resident band the Dublin Bay Stormers had a bit of a ruck last weekend and they're all banged up on remand! Albert So? Del So - what is it next Sunday? It's St Patrick's night innit! Their biggest earner of the year and the Shamrock Club ain't got a band! But I have! Albert You don't mean young Rodney and that bunch of wallies? They can't do all that Mother Macree stuff! Del Listen, you don't know Rodney that well. He's a very talented little lad, they'll love him! Albert They'll tear him limb from limb. Del No they won't. The worst he'll get is a red nose! Albert Still, it's got nothing to do with me! Del No, that's right! Albert I'll keep my opinions to my- self! Del Good. Albert It don't seem right though! Del has been preoccupied with selecting a record to put on the record player. He has found one and is placing it on the turntable. Albert I mean it's not fair! Del Nor's Frank Bruno's arse but he don't keep on about it! The needle is hovering above the record player. Del dials the phone. Del Hello, Shamrock Club? Could I speak to Liam please? Yeah, Derek Trotter. He releases the lever that drops the needle on to the record. The opening strains of 'Dianne' by the Bachelors starts playing. Del (cont'd) It's Del Boy. How are you going pal? Triffic, er listen, I just heard the tragic news about the Stormers! Oh, the bloody laws in this country, diabolical ain't they, oh yeah. So how are you fixed for a group on Paddies night? Well this is it, I mean, where do you find a good band these days? There's so many cowboys around! What's what noise? Oh that? Well, that's what I'm phoning you about you see. I'm down here at the community hall and there's a group of youngsters on the stage rehearsing here... (Shouting) Keep it down will you lads? I'm on the blower, er...hold on Liam, I'll close the door. Del pauses, then mentally times his footsteps to the door, switches the sound down on the record player, then times his footsteps back again. Del (cont'd) There we are now, we can hear ourselves speak now! Eh? Yes they sound a lot like the Bachelors! Yeah that's who they model themselves on... Well, there's good news and there's bad news Liam. The bad news is they're expensive! It's 300 sovs I'm afraid. But the good news is they're free on St Paddy's night! Yes alright. (To Albert) He wants to think about it. Albert Well that shouldn't take long should it? Del No, no, no, Liam you carry on old son, you take all the time in the world. I've got plenty of time. Del turns up the volume and then shouts out loud. Del (cont'd) Oi, close the door will yer! Del turns the volume down again. Del (cont'd) Well you won't go far wrong with these boys, no, no. You know it makes sense. There is one they, not me, they, you understand insist on cash in advance! Yeah. Alright, I'll tell you what old son, I'll pop down in about an hour. Alright, pal. Hee hee hee hee hee, triff ta-ta. Albert The family used to tell stories about you and yer 'business activities'! I never believed 'em up until now! Del Get in, get out and don't look back, that's my motto! Albert I can't wait to tell young Rodney the good news! Del Er, listen you keep quiet. This is gonna be's supposed to be a...erm...a surprise! Albert Oh, it's nothing to do with me Del! I just hope I don't let it slip out! Del No that would be very unfortu- nate wouldn't it? Oh, I tell you what Uncle Albert, would you like a nice large brandy in there Uncle Albert. Albert That's nice of you son, thank you! Might as well leave the bottle here, save me having to keep on getting up! Del Have a nice evening - you blackmailing old bark! INT. NIGHT. ST NICKS. The group are Rodney, Stew, Charlie and Mental Mickey - they are the only ones in the hall. Charlie and Stew both play rhythm. Mental Mickey is a rather wild and dangerous looking character, full of frustration and aggression. Rodney has no drums, but is playing a couple of packing cases. The band are playing the opening bar of a song they wrote themselves. During these opening bars Mental Mickey does a trance-like dance, with fists firmly clenched. Mickey Come on Rodney! Give us some cymbals. Rodney Cymbals? Mickey starts singing again. During this Del enters and wanders slowly across to them. Mickey stops singing. Mickey Oi, oi, oi, what's he doing here? Del I just come down to listen to you lads. Don't mind do you? Rodney You just come down on the wind up didn't yer? Del Au contraire Rodney. Au contraire! In fact I've been very impressed. He sounds good, does young Mental Mickey, in very good voice. Mickey I don't like people calling me that!! Del Oooh, I'd better keep my hands on me ear-lobes then! Charlie Why don't you piss off down the pub Trotter? Del Oi, oi, watch it. This is our community hall. Anyone's entitled to walk in here! Come on then, let's hear you! Stew Yeah, come on. He's not gonna put us off! Rodney Yeah, right! One, two, three... Mickey Oi, oi, Rodney I do the one, two, three, fours! Rodney Sorry Mickey, forgot! Mickey One, two, three, four... They are just about to play. Del Hold on, hold on, where d'you learn to count, Rampton? Mickey I ain't never been to Rampton in my life. Who started them rumours about me being in Rampton? Charlie Alright, take it easy Mick! Mickey I've never been to Rampton! I've been to Broadmoor, once or twice, but that's not the point. Del Carry on. Rodney One, two, three... Mickey Oi, I told you once Rodney, I'm not gonna tell you again son. I do the one, two, three, four. They start playing. Del feigns interest and enjoyment. He halts them in the second verse. Del Hold up, hold up. Mickey What is it now?? Del Well I am very surprised! (Feigning excitement) I came down here to listen to you bunch of wallies, expect- ing you to sound like a cat being doctored without anesthetic! But you're good! Rodney What? Del You're very good! Alright you're not quite up to the standard of Spanner Ballet or Duram Duram! There's something about your music that I like! It's well it's got something! (Quietly) I only hope it ain't catching! Rodney Look Del, if this is all a build-up to some joke, will you just tell us now and stop wasting everyone's time! Del It's no joke Rodney, I mean it! I'm very impressed, very! (Applauding) Bravo, bravo! Of course, you realise that you're gonna flop like a jelly on a wet mattress, don't you? Mickey Oh yeah, why should we flop? Del Because you're undisciplined that's why! You ain't going to go nowhere till you get yer act together! Charlie Yeah? Well my mate's cousin's works for a record company and he reckons he could get us a contract! Del And my mate's cousin's a door- man at Chelsea, but he couldn't get me a bloody game though could he? Na, you're still rough around the edges. I mean, why don't you take a butcher's at yerselves. You look like something the cat dragged in - then dragged out again! Mickey Trotter, shut it, we like looking like this. We're Marxist Trotskyite anarchists! Rodney/Charlie/Stew Yeah! Rodney Are we? Del So why do you want to be superstars then? Mickey 'Cos we wanna be rich Marxist Trotskyite anarchists! Charlie Well, not too rich! Stew No, just a little bit rich! Money ain't everything! Del No, but it certainly takes the sting out of being poor though don't it? Strikes me you need someone to steer you in the right direction you know. Look after yer interest. A manager! No hold on, hold on! Don't look at me...I mean the bloke who becomes your manager has gotta get you all brand-new equipment. Guitars, drums, speakers! Cost an arm and a leg! Stew I thought you said we were good! Del You are good! You're natural, you've got raw talent! Mickey Oi, Trotter you don't wanna put your money where yer mouth is though, do you? Del You think I'm not the kind who would back me instinct? You know me. He who dares wins! But, well, the fact of the matter is, things are tight at the moment. The Group Yeah yeah! We've heard it before. Del Alright then! You win! I will be your manager! I'll get you bookings, you see if I don't! Mickey What about the instruments? Del I'll get them as well! Rodney Don't listen to him! We'll end up with the chuck-aways from a Boy Scouts' band! Del All yer instruments and equip- ment'll be new! Write down what you want, I'll get it for you! I'm making an investment in you lads. This time next year we'll be millionaires! I can see it now. Albert Hall, Carnegie Hall, the Hollywood Bowl! The revolutionary new sound: Pop Protest! You don't know any of the Bachelor numbers, do you? The group shakes their heads 'no'. Del (cont'd) It's not important! Well, you carry on rehearsing! 'Cos I'll get this show on the road. Come on then - let's hear ya, your manager has spoken! Rodney Yeah right! Here we go then, one, two, three... Mickey I do the one, two, three, four! Rodney Sorry! Mickey One, two, three, four. NIGHT. THE FOYER. ST NICK'S. Del exits from the hall still feigning enjoyment. The moment he is out of sight, and with the sound of the group in the background, he collapses against the wall. Del Gordon Bennett! NIGHT. THE SHAMROCK CLUB. A sigh says: 'The Shamrock Club. From the first floor windows there are the sounds of a massive fight. Bottles being broken, chairs being smashed. Screams of pain can be heard. Liam (VO) Put the table down Pat! Pat (VO) I'll put it on yer blood head if you want! Liam (VO) What's that you're saying? Pat (VO) Auurgh! Woman Sean, Sean! The door to the club opens and Del rushes out carrying a speaker. Rodney follows carrying a bass drum which he ties to the roof of the van. Del opens the back door of the van and runs back into the club. Stew and Charlie exit carrying guitars and the smaller drums. Del reappears with the second speaker which he hands to Rodney. He goes back in and comes back with the cymbals. He jumps in the van as does Rodney and they are about to drive away. Rodney What about Mental Mickey? Mickey is at the door of the club fighting with unseen opponents inside. Del He's happy enough! They pull away. Mickey watches the van disappear before he crashes back into the club, fists flying. DAY. THE TROTTERS' GARAGE. A Police Constable is checking over the stock in the garage. PC Let's make sure I've got all the details now. The stolen items consist of two guitars, two speakers, and a set of drums. Here’s one of your sticks, it's a bit oily. Rodney Cheers! D'you reckon you'll catch 'em? PC Shouldn't have too much trouble! We'll just go around the clubs till we find a rock 'n' roll band with a one- armed drummer. Rodney I need you don't I! I mean I really need you. PC What's all this other stuff doing here? Rodney Er - we collect things! Del appears at the garage doors carrying a large box bearing the 'Maltesers' symbol. Upon seeing the PC he turns swiftly and disappears from view. PC Funny things to collect ain't they? Rodney Yeah well, er, everyone's gotta have a hobby ain't they! The PC picks up a doll and leans it forward. It laughs like Woody the Woodpecker. Del arrives minus box. Del Good afternoon Officer, can I be of any assistance? Rodney They've had the drums, guitars, everything! I locked the doors last night Del, I swear to you I locked it. Del Well, that's not quite true! Er Rodney, would you like to nip outside to make sure I switched the engine off on the van? Rodney No! Del Oh! Well you see Officer, the items haven't been stolen. A van came to pick them up this morning to take them back to the shop! You see I know the owner of the shop. I had them on what is called sale-or- return basis! PC (To Rodney) I see. Do you enjoy wasting police time, eh? Rodney Hold on, I didn't know we had 'em sale or return!! Del It's my fault, I didn't tell him! I'm sorry. PC Right! This stuff here... Del Excuse me Officer, but when I come in there was some kids taking the front wheels off your Panda car! PC They what?? I might be back to see you! Rodney I can't wait! The PC exits. Del What do you think you're play- ing at, inviting the bloody Old Bill round here? Rodney What am I playing at?? You told me you'd bought that equipment and all the time you had it on sale or return. You just set us up didn't you? Del We've earned 300 sovs, right, listen Rodney and we didn't have to pay out for any equipment! Brilliant innit! Rodney Brilliant Del! We nearly had our heads smashed in! I didn't wanna play the Shamrock Club! None of us wanted to play the Shamrock Club! But we played it Del because you said it was our first step on the road to stardom! We believed you! Del Well you must be bigger plonkers than you look! You didn't honestly think that you and that bunch of wallies were destined for the Albert Hall or Carnegie Hall did you? The only hall you were destined for, sod all, that's what! But as it turned out you've 150 so think yourself lucky, and anyway you can still carry on with the group. Rodney No I can't. We had an artist- ical disagreement! Look what that Mickey tried to do to my ear! Del The vicious little git! Now I'm gonna sort him out. What was the row about? Rodney They accused you of setting us up! They said you'd only done it for a quick earner and to get rid of the suits you've had in here since 1975! Del The way some people's minds work! Rodney What do you mean? They were right!! But I defended you! I mean, stood there and defend- ed you! And d'you know why? 'Cos you're my brother - and I don't like to hear people rubbishing you!! That's why. Del Still works does it? Rodney Yeah. Del It was only a pipe-dream Rodney! Rodney At least I had a dream Del - it's more than I've got now. Del Come on, you didn't think you were gonna get anywhere did you? I mean just look at that other three! They had about five and half brain cells between them, and one of them was on the blink! I tell ya. That show business lark - they're all Stoke-on-Trent aren't they. You have to watch yer old deaf and dumb in that game Rodney! Rodney Look, why do you always have to sop me in everything I try to do? Del Who, me? Rodney You always have to stick yer oar in and mess things up for me! Sometimes I get the feeling that you're scared! Del Scared, me scared? Scared of what? Rodney Scared of me becoming a success! You're terrified that one day I might make it - on my own! Del That is like a knife in my heart that Rodney! There is nothing I'd like more than to see you become someone! Nice little Capri Ghia and all that! I remember what Mum said on her deathbed. She said, 'Del,' she said, 'Give little Rodney all the encouragement you can! Never Del, never hold him back!' Rodney She didn't 'alf say a lot on her deathbed. Del What? Rodney Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her deathbed! She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting! Del You are walking a bleedin' tightrope here Rodney!!!! Rodney No hang on. Right, remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her deathbed, 'Send Rodney for the fish!' Del Yeah, well, I'd had a few hadn't I? You tried something and it didn't work. Look what you've got! (Holding up a wad of money) 150 beer vouchers! Rodney makes no attempt to take the money but Del shoves it in his top pocket. Del Well, come on then Rodders. Come on, cheer up, come on. We've got to go down the market this afternoon! Rodney Triffic! Del Oh, come on now Rodney, listen, it ain't all bad news! I mean, on one hand you've just had your hopes and dreams dashed! But on the other hand, I've got a van load of hooky Maltesers! Come on let's go... NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. The TVs are on. Del is alone talking on the phone. Del Alright Monk, I'll come straight with you, look, these dolls, I've had these dolls for about a week and I ain't shifted one yet! If you take a chance I'll take a loss, I can't be fairer than that! Would I lie to you? Alright, I'll see you around Monk! The music on the TV has stopped and applause can be heard. Del sits oblivious to it. On the TV a DJ is introducing a record on Top of the Pops. DJ In at number 26 Boys Will Be Boys from A Bunch of Wallies! Stew, Charlie, Mental Mickey and a new drummer start playing the song they were playing at the community hall. Del (Mumbling) P'haps Trigger could knock some out down the council depot. Oh shut up. Bloody noise, I can't think! Del goes to turn the sound down. Del (cont'd) I don't believe this! It's that bunch of wallies!! What do they think they're doing?? They're on Top of the Pops!! The front door slams. Rodney (OOV) You know that old bird who works down the laundromat, the one who's after...What's wrong? Del switches both sets off. Rodney enters laughing. Del Nothing Rodders! Alright fine. Wanna cigar? Rodney No thanks. Del Go on, what was you saying? Rodney Oh yeah, I wound her up, right, I said that Uncle Albert wants to take her to the old folks', beano on Thursday. He'll be well pleased. Del laughs falsely. Del I like it! I like it! Rodney Are you sure everything's al- right? Del It's triffic Rodders, never been better! Rodney Good. Hey, Top of the Pops in on! Del Yeah, but the telly's broke! Rodney I'll watch it on the black and white one then! Del That's broke as well! Rodney Well it's got to be the fuse in the socket! Del No, I tried that! They're both broke! I'll have to get a firm in - naus innit, eh? Rodney Yeah! Oh well, I might as well give Albert the good news! Where is he? Del He's in his room. Rodney opens the door to Albert's room. Rodney Uncle Albert. Albert (OOV) Hello son, you alright? Del quickly puts his coat on. Del He'll go bloody divvy when he finds out! Albert exits from the bedroom. Albert (Shouting back at Rodney) You wanna act yer age you interfering little...Can't you have a word with him Del? He's only come in there to annoy me! I don't wanna go on no old folks' beano! Del Well don't go then, don't go! Listen, I'm off out - don't mention it to Rodney! Albert I doubt if he'd wanna go with you anyway, he's watching Top of the Pops on the portable. The door to Albert's bedroom opens. Rodney exits and stares at Del. Rodney They're in the charts!!! Del So they're in the charts. Marque de Fabrique, as they say. Rodney They could go to number one! They could have a smash hit on their hands. Del Alright, so you have a smash hit on your hands. You might not have another one for the rest of your life! Rodney I always said they could make it, and you convinced me they couldn't. Del That is your trouble Rodney, you're too easily swayed! And what about me, eh? I was their manager! Rodney (Picking up a drumstick) I'm gonna stick this right up your jacksy!

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