DAY. THE WAREHOUSE.
The three-wheeled van is parked a few yards from the
warehouse door. Del exits carrying a large cardboard
box, bearing the words: 'Kandy Doll. Your Talking
Friend.' Del opens the back door of the van and
pushes it in. An identical box is already in there.
Inside the warehouse Rodney is talking on the phone.
There are another 8 'Kandy Doll' boxes in the ware-
house.
Rodney
Yes, so we're definitely
rehearsing tonight? Eight o'
clock down the hall! Right,
will the rest of the group be
there? Oh great man!
Del
Oi Ringo!
(Obviously tired)
I hope that all my huffing and
puffing ain't interrupting
you!
Rodney
Eh? No! It's no sweat man!
Del
Well it's certainly not coming
from you, you lazy little git!
Rodney
I've gotta go Charlie. Look,
I'll see you later on, alright.
Rodney joins Del. Rodney bangs out a drum beat on one
of the boxes.
Rodney (cont'd)
Rehearsing with the group
tonight!
Del
Group! You're a drummer who's
got no drums!
Rodney
No - well, it's early days
yet!
Del
I don't know why you waste
your time with that bunch of
wallies for.
Rodney
They're not a bunch of wallies!
Anyway, you haven't heard us
play yet.
Del
I don't need to! I mean, look
who yer lead singer is, Mental
Mickey!
Rodney
Oi, there's nothing wrong with
Mickey Maguire!
Del
Nothing wrong! He bit a
bloke's ear off once, that's
all.
Rodney
Not all of it!
Del
Well, before you become deeply
involved in any musical
argument with Mental Mickey,
make sure you're wearing a
bullet-proof balaclava! Let's
get this stuff in the van.
Rodney
What we bought anyway?
Del
Well, it's obvious innit,
sausages! Talking dolls, innit.
Rodney
I mean what sort of stock is
it? Bankrupt, fire damaged,
water damaged, soiled or just
plain hooky?
They go outside.
Del
It's none of them Rodney!
These are near-perfects!
Rodney
Near-perfects! So what's wrong
with 'em?
Del
Nothing.
Rodney
Well, if there's nothing wrong
with 'em why aren't they
called 'perfects'?
Del
It's just a bit of legal
jargon used by the insurance
company to save on paperwork
that's all. Don't worry about
it.
Rodney
That's easy for you to say,
but I'm the one who has to go
down the Arndale Centre and
flog these things, I mean,
look at the aggro I had at
Christmas with them cricket
bats!
(Quoting Del)
'Each one personally autogra-
phed by Viv Richards!'
Del
And each one was personally
autographed by Viv Richards!
Alright, it wasn't the Viv
Richards!
Rodney
No, it was Davey Richards'
eldest sister! I had nothing
but comebacks on that!
Del opens one of the boxes and removes a carton contain-
ing a doll. He removes doll head, keeping it upright all
the time.
Del (cont'd)
No, you'll be alright with
these things. I mean have a
look, take a look, can you see
anything wrong with 'em?
Rodney
No, it looks alright!
Del
Alright! This is Taiwan's
finest Rodney! This is quality
par excellence this gear!
We'll pick the rest of 'em up
after dinner. G'on, jump in
the van.
Del replaces the doll in the carton feet first. As he
does the doll leans backwards.
Doll
What's up Doc?
Rodney
Eh?
Del
What?
Rodney
I thought you said something!
Del
No!
Rodney
Oh! You know, I reckon this
group of mine could go places.
Del
And the sooner the better if
you ask me.
Rodney
We're styling ourselves on
Frankie Goes to Hollywood!
Rodney beats out a drum beat on the van roof. Del has
his head inside the van and, surprised by the banging,
springs up and smashes his head on the roof.
Del
You dozy little twonk Rodney.
You bang my roof like that
again and it won't be Frankie
Goes to Hollywood, it'll be
Rodney goes to hospital.
Rodney
Bloody hell Del, I said I'm
sorry, didn't I?
Del
You will be if I get a head-
ache.
NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The TVs are off. Uncle Albert is standing at the drinks
cabinet. He has just lit one of Del's cigars. He pours
brandy into a cut glass goblet. During all this he is
singing to himself.
Albert
'The wind is blowing, the snow
is snowing...'
Del enters from the hall.
Del
Oi, get your thieving hands
off!
Albert
I weren’t feeling all that
well, Del.
Del
You'll feel even worse if I
catch you at my Courvoisier
again.
Albert
What's all the big hurry then?
Del
I've just heard a very intere-
sting bit of news down the
pub. Er, listen have you ever
heard of the Shamrock Club,
over at Deptford? The Paddies'
Moulin Rouge!
Albert
That place? I've read about it
in the local paper!
Del
Well, their resident band the
Dublin Bay Stormers had a bit
of a ruck last weekend and
they're all banged up on
remand!
Albert
So?
Del
So - what is it next Sunday?
It's St Patrick's night innit!
Their biggest earner of the
year and the Shamrock Club
ain't got a band! But I have!
Albert
You don't mean young Rodney
and that bunch of wallies?
They can't do all that Mother
Macree stuff!
Del
Listen, you don't know Rodney
that well. He's a very
talented little lad, they'll
love him!
Albert
They'll tear him limb from
limb.
Del
No they won't. The worst he'll
get is a red nose!
Albert
Still, it's got nothing to do
with me!
Del
No, that's right!
Albert
I'll keep my opinions to my-
self!
Del
Good.
Albert
It don't seem right though!
Del has been preoccupied with selecting a record to put
on the record player. He has found one and is placing
it on the turntable.
Albert
I mean it's not fair!
Del
Nor's Frank Bruno's arse but
he don't keep on about it!
The needle is hovering above the record player. Del dials
the phone.
Del
Hello, Shamrock Club? Could I
speak to Liam please? Yeah,
Derek Trotter.
He releases the lever that drops the needle on to the
record. The opening strains of 'Dianne' by the
Bachelors starts playing.
Del (cont'd)
It's Del Boy. How are you
going pal? Triffic, er listen,
I just heard the tragic news
about the Stormers! Oh, the
bloody laws in this country,
diabolical ain't they, oh yeah.
So how are you fixed for a
group on Paddies night? Well
this is it, I mean, where do
you find a good band these
days? There's so many cowboys
around! What's what noise? Oh
that? Well, that's what I'm
phoning you about you see. I'm
down here at the community
hall and there's a group of
youngsters on the stage
rehearsing here...
(Shouting)
Keep it down will you lads?
I'm on the blower, er...hold
on Liam, I'll close the door.
Del pauses, then mentally times his footsteps to the
door, switches the sound down on the record player,
then times his footsteps back again.
Del (cont'd)
There we are now, we can hear
ourselves speak now! Eh? Yes
they sound a lot like the
Bachelors! Yeah that's who
they model themselves on...
Well, there's good news and
there's bad news Liam. The
bad news is they're expensive!
It's 300 sovs I'm afraid. But
the good news is they're free
on St Paddy's night! Yes
alright.
(To Albert)
He wants to think about it.
Albert
Well that shouldn't take long
should it?
Del
No, no, no, Liam you carry on
old son, you take all the time
in the world. I've got plenty
of time.
Del turns up the volume and then shouts out loud.
Del (cont'd)
Oi, close the door will yer!
Del turns the volume down again.
Del (cont'd)
Well you won't go far wrong
with these boys, no, no. You
know it makes sense. There is
one thing...now they, not me,
they, you understand insist
on cash in advance! Yeah.
Alright, I'll tell you what
old son, I'll pop down in
about an hour. Alright, pal.
Hee hee hee hee hee, triff
ta-ta.
Albert
The family used to tell stories
about you and yer 'business
activities'! I never believed
'em up until now!
Del
Get in, get out and don't look
back, that's my motto!
Albert
I can't wait to tell young
Rodney the good news!
Del
Er, listen you keep quiet.
This is gonna be a...it's
supposed to be a...erm...a
surprise!
Albert
Oh, it's nothing to do with me
Del! I just hope I don't let
it slip out!
Del
No that would be very unfortu-
nate wouldn't it? Oh, I tell
you what Uncle Albert, would
you like a nice large brandy
in there Uncle Albert.
Albert
That's nice of you son, thank
you! Might as well leave the
bottle here, save me having to
keep on getting up!
Del
Have a nice evening - you
blackmailing old bark!
INT. NIGHT. ST NICKS.
The group are Rodney, Stew, Charlie and Mental Mickey -
they are the only ones in the hall. Charlie and Stew both
play rhythm. Mental Mickey is a rather wild and dangerous
looking character, full of frustration and aggression.
Rodney has no drums, but is playing a couple of packing
cases. The band are playing the opening bar of a song they
wrote themselves. During these opening bars Mental Mickey
does a trance-like dance, with fists firmly clenched.
Mickey
Come on Rodney! Give us some
cymbals.
Rodney
Cymbals?
Mickey starts singing again. During this Del enters and
wanders slowly across to them. Mickey stops singing.
Mickey
Oi, oi, oi, what's he doing
here?
Del
I just come down to listen to
you lads. Don't mind do you?
Rodney
You just come down on the wind
up didn't yer?
Del
Au contraire Rodney. Au
contraire! In fact I've been
very impressed. He sounds good,
does young Mental Mickey, in
very good voice.
Mickey
I don't like people calling me
that!!
Del
Oooh, I'd better keep my hands
on me ear-lobes then!
Charlie
Why don't you piss off down
the pub Trotter?
Del
Oi, oi, watch it. This is our
community hall. Anyone's
entitled to walk in here! Come
on then, let's hear you!
Stew
Yeah, come on. He's not gonna
put us off!
Rodney
Yeah, right! One, two, three...
Mickey
Oi, oi, Rodney I do the one,
two, three, fours!
Rodney
Sorry Mickey, forgot!
Mickey
One, two, three, four...
They are just about to play.
Del
Hold on, hold on, where d'you
learn to count, Rampton?
Mickey
I ain't never been to Rampton
in my life. Who started them
rumours about me being in
Rampton?
Charlie
Alright, take it easy Mick!
Mickey
I've never been to Rampton!
I've been to Broadmoor, once
or twice, but that's not the
point.
Del
Carry on.
Rodney
One, two, three...
Mickey
Oi, I told you once Rodney,
I'm not gonna tell you again
son. I do the one, two, three,
four.
They start playing. Del feigns interest and enjoyment.
He halts them in the second verse.
Del
Hold up, hold up.
Mickey
What is it now??
Del
Well I am very surprised!
(Feigning excitement)
I came down here to listen to
you bunch of wallies, expect-
ing you to sound like a cat
being doctored without
anesthetic! But you're good!
Rodney
What?
Del
You're very good! Alright
you're not quite up to the
standard of Spanner Ballet or
Duram Duram! There's something
about your music that I like!
It's well it's got something!
(Quietly)
I only hope it ain't catching!
Rodney
Look Del, if this is all a
build-up to some joke, will you
just tell us now and stop
wasting everyone's time!
Del
It's no joke Rodney, I mean
it! I'm very impressed, very!
(Applauding)
Bravo, bravo! Of course, you
realise that you're gonna flop
like a jelly on a wet mattress,
don't you?
Mickey
Oh yeah, why should we flop?
Del
Because you're undisciplined
that's why! You ain't going to
go nowhere till you get yer
act together!
Charlie
Yeah? Well my mate's cousin's
works for a record company and
he reckons he could get us a
contract!
Del
And my mate's cousin's a door-
man at Chelsea, but he
couldn't get me a bloody game
though could he? Na, you're
still rough around the edges.
I mean, why don't you take a
butcher's at yerselves. You
look like something the cat
dragged in - then dragged out
again!
Mickey
Trotter, shut it, we like
looking like this. We're
Marxist Trotskyite anarchists!
Rodney/Charlie/Stew
Yeah!
Rodney
Are we?
Del
So why do you want to be
superstars then?
Mickey
'Cos we wanna be rich Marxist
Trotskyite anarchists!
Charlie
Well, not too rich!
Stew
No, just a little bit rich!
Money ain't everything!
Del
No, but it certainly takes the
sting out of being poor though
don't it? Strikes me you need
someone to steer you in the
right direction you know. Look
after yer interest. A manager!
No hold on, hold on! Don't
look at me...I mean the bloke
who becomes your manager has
gotta get you all brand-new
equipment. Guitars, drums,
speakers! Cost an arm and a
leg!
Stew
I thought you said we were
good!
Del
You are good! You're natural,
you've got raw talent!
Mickey
Oi, Trotter you don't wanna
put your money where yer mouth
is though, do you?
Del
You think I'm not the kind who
would back me instinct? You
know me. He who dares wins!
But, well, the fact of the
matter is, things are tight at
the moment.
The Group
Yeah yeah! We've heard it
before.
Del
Alright then! You win! I will
be your manager! I'll get you
bookings, you see if I don't!
Mickey
What about the instruments?
Del
I'll get them as well!
Rodney
Don't listen to him! We'll end
up with the chuck-aways from a
Boy Scouts' band!
Del
All yer instruments and equip-
ment'll be new! Write down
what you want, I'll get it for
you! I'm making an investment
in you lads. This time next
year we'll be millionaires! I
can see it now. Albert Hall,
Carnegie Hall, the Hollywood
Bowl! The revolutionary new
sound: Pop Protest! You don't
know any of the Bachelor
numbers, do you?
The group shakes their heads 'no'.
Del (cont'd)
It's not important! Well, you
carry on rehearsing! 'Cos I'll
get this show on the road.
Come on then - let's hear ya,
your manager has spoken!
Rodney
Yeah right! Here we go then,
one, two, three...
Mickey
I do the one, two, three, four!
Rodney
Sorry!
Mickey
One, two, three, four.
NIGHT. THE FOYER. ST NICK'S.
Del exits from the hall still feigning enjoyment. The
moment he is out of sight, and with the sound of the
group in the background, he collapses against the
wall.
Del
Gordon Bennett!
NIGHT. THE SHAMROCK CLUB.
A sigh says: 'The Shamrock Club. From the first floor
windows there are the sounds of a massive fight.
Bottles being broken, chairs being smashed. Screams of
pain can be heard.
Liam
(VO)
Put the table down Pat!
Pat
(VO)
I'll put it on yer blood head
if you want!
Liam
(VO)
What's that you're saying?
Pat
(VO)
Auurgh!
Woman
Sean, Sean!
The door to the club opens and Del rushes out carrying
a speaker. Rodney follows carrying a bass drum which
he ties to the roof of the van. Del opens the back
door of the van and runs back into the club. Stew and
Charlie exit carrying guitars and the smaller drums.
Del reappears with the second speaker which he hands
to Rodney. He goes back in and comes back with the
cymbals. He jumps in the van as does Rodney and they
are about to drive away.
Rodney
What about Mental Mickey?
Mickey is at the door of the club fighting with unseen
opponents inside.
Del
He's happy enough!
They pull away.
Mickey watches the van disappear before he crashes back
into the club, fists flying.
DAY. THE TROTTERS' GARAGE.
A Police Constable is checking over the stock in the
garage.
PC
Let's make sure I've got all
the details now. The stolen
items consist of two guitars,
two speakers, and a set of
drums. Here’s one of your
sticks, it's a bit oily.
Rodney
Cheers! D'you reckon you'll
catch 'em?
PC
Shouldn't have too much
trouble! We'll just go around
the clubs till we find a rock
'n' roll band with a one-
armed drummer.
Rodney
I need you don't I! I mean I
really need you.
PC
What's all this other stuff
doing here?
Rodney
Er - we collect things!
Del appears at the garage doors carrying a large box
bearing the 'Maltesers' symbol. Upon seeing the PC he
turns swiftly and disappears from view.
PC
Funny things to collect ain't
they?
Rodney
Yeah well, er, everyone's
gotta have a hobby ain't they!
The PC picks up a doll and leans it forward. It laughs
like Woody the Woodpecker. Del arrives minus box.
Del
Good afternoon Officer, can I
be of any assistance?
Rodney
They've had the drums, guitars,
everything! I locked the doors
last night Del, I swear to you
I locked it.
Del
Well, that's not quite true!
Er Rodney, would you like to
nip outside to make sure I
switched the engine off on
the van?
Rodney
No!
Del
Oh! Well you see Officer, the
items haven't been stolen. A
van came to pick them up this
morning to take them back to
the shop! You see I know the
owner of the shop. I had them
on what is called sale-or-
return basis!
PC
(To Rodney)
I see. Do you enjoy wasting
police time, eh?
Rodney
Hold on, I didn't know we had
'em sale or return!!
Del
It's my fault, I didn't tell
him! I'm sorry.
PC
Right! This stuff here...
Del
Excuse me Officer, but when I
come in there was some kids
taking the front wheels off
your Panda car!
PC
They what?? I might be back to
see you!
Rodney
I can't wait!
The PC exits.
Del
What do you think you're play-
ing at, inviting the bloody
Old Bill round here?
Rodney
What am I playing at?? You
told me you'd bought that
equipment and all the time you
had it on sale or return. You
just set us up didn't you?
Del
We've earned 300 sovs, right,
listen Rodney and we didn't
have to pay out for any
equipment! Brilliant innit!
Rodney
Brilliant Del! We nearly had
our heads smashed in! I didn't
wanna play the Shamrock Club!
None of us wanted to play the
Shamrock Club! But we played
it Del because you said it was
our first step on the road to
stardom! We believed you!
Del
Well you must be bigger
plonkers than you look! You
didn't honestly think that
you and that bunch of wallies
were destined for the Albert
Hall or Carnegie Hall did
you? The only hall you were
destined for, sod all, that's
what! But as it turned out
you've 150 so think yourself
lucky, and anyway you can
still carry on with the group.
Rodney
No I can't. We had an artist-
ical disagreement! Look what
that Mickey tried to do to my
ear!
Del
The vicious little git! Now
I'm gonna sort him out. What
was the row about?
Rodney
They accused you of setting us
up! They said you'd only done
it for a quick earner and to
get rid of the suits you've
had in here since 1975!
Del
The way some people's minds
work!
Rodney
What do you mean? They were
right!! But I defended you! I
mean, stood there and defend-
ed you! And d'you know why?
'Cos you're my brother - and
I don't like to hear people
rubbishing you!! That's why.
Del
Still works does it?
Rodney
Yeah.
Del
It was only a pipe-dream
Rodney!
Rodney
At least I had a dream Del -
it's more than I've got now.
Del
Come on, you didn't think you
were gonna get anywhere did
you? I mean just look at that
other three! They had about
five and half brain cells
between them, and one of them
was on the blink! I tell ya.
That show business lark -
they're all Stoke-on-Trent
aren't they. You have to watch
yer old deaf and dumb in that
game Rodney!
Rodney
Look, why do you always have
to sop me in everything I try
to do?
Del
Who, me?
Rodney
You always have to stick yer
oar in and mess things up for
me! Sometimes I get the
feeling that you're scared!
Del
Scared, me scared? Scared of
what?
Rodney
Scared of me becoming a
success! You're terrified that
one day I might make it - on
my own!
Del
That is like a knife in my
heart that Rodney! There is
nothing I'd like more than to
see you become someone! Nice
little Capri Ghia and all
that! I remember what Mum
said on her deathbed. She
said, 'Del,' she said, 'Give
little Rodney all the
encouragement you can! Never
Del, never hold him back!'
Rodney
She didn't 'alf say a lot on
her deathbed.
Del
What?
Rodney
Whatever the subject is, Mum
had something to say about it
on her deathbed! She must have
spent her final few hours in
this mortal realm doing
nothing but rabbiting!
Del
You are walking a bleedin'
tightrope here Rodney!!!!
Rodney
No hang on. Right, remember
last week we were having a row
about whose turn it was to go
down the chippy, yeah? And you
claimed that Mum said on her
deathbed, 'Send Rodney for the
fish!'
Del
Yeah, well, I'd had a few
hadn't I? You tried something
and it didn't work. Look what
you've got!
(Holding up a
wad of money)
150 beer vouchers!
Rodney makes no attempt to take the money but Del shoves
it in his top pocket.
Del
Well, come on then Rodders.
Come on, cheer up, come on.
We've got to go down the
market this afternoon!
Rodney
Triffic!
Del
Oh, come on now Rodney,
listen, it ain't all bad news!
I mean, on one hand you've
just had your hopes and dreams
dashed! But on the other hand,
I've got a van load of hooky
Maltesers! Come on let's
go...
NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The TVs are on. Del is alone talking on the phone.
Del
Alright Monk, I'll come
straight with you, look, these
dolls, I've had these dolls
for about a week and I ain't
shifted one yet! If you take a
chance I'll take a loss, I
can't be fairer than that!
Would I lie to you? Alright,
I'll see you around Monk!
The music on the TV has stopped and applause can be heard.
Del sits oblivious to it. On the TV a DJ is introducing a
record on Top of the Pops.
DJ
In at number 26 Boys Will Be
Boys from A Bunch of Wallies!
Stew, Charlie, Mental Mickey and a new drummer start
playing the song they were playing at the community hall.
Del
(Mumbling)
P'haps Trigger could knock
some out down the council
depot. Oh shut up. Bloody
noise, I can't think!
Del goes to turn the sound down.
Del (cont'd)
I don't believe this! It's
that bunch of wallies!! What
do they think they're doing??
They're on Top of the Pops!!
The front door slams.
Rodney
(OOV)
You know that old bird who
works down the laundromat, the
one who's after...What's
wrong?
Del switches both sets off. Rodney enters laughing.
Del
Nothing Rodders! Alright fine.
Wanna cigar?
Rodney
No thanks.
Del
Go on, what was you saying?
Rodney
Oh yeah, I wound her up, right,
I said that Uncle Albert wants
to take her to the old folks',
beano on Thursday. He'll be
well pleased.
Del laughs falsely.
Del
I like it! I like it!
Rodney
Are you sure everything's al-
right?
Del
It's triffic Rodders, never
been better!
Rodney
Good. Hey, Top of the Pops in
on!
Del
Yeah, but the telly's broke!
Rodney
I'll watch it on the black and
white one then!
Del
That's broke as well!
Rodney
Well it's got to be the fuse
in the socket!
Del
No, I tried that! They're both
broke! I'll have to get a firm
in - naus innit, eh?
Rodney
Yeah! Oh well, I might as well
give Albert the good news!
Where is he?
Del
He's in his room.
Rodney opens the door to Albert's room.
Rodney
Uncle Albert.
Albert
(OOV)
Hello son, you alright?
Del quickly puts his coat on.
Del
He'll go bloody divvy when he
finds out!
Albert exits from the bedroom.
Albert
(Shouting back
at Rodney)
You wanna act yer age you
interfering little...Can't you
have a word with him Del? He's
only come in there to annoy
me! I don't wanna go on no old
folks' beano!
Del
Well don't go then, don't go!
Listen, I'm off out - don't
mention it to Rodney!
Albert
I doubt if he'd wanna go with
you anyway, he's watching Top
of the Pops on the portable.
The door to Albert's bedroom opens. Rodney exits and
stares at Del.
Rodney
They're in the charts!!!
Del
So they're in the charts.
Marque de Fabrique, as they
say.
Rodney
They could go to number one!
They could have a smash hit
on their hands.
Del
Alright, so you have a smash
hit on your hands. You might
not have another one for the
rest of your life!
Rodney
I always said they could make
it, and you convinced me they
couldn't.
Del
That is your trouble Rodney,
you're too easily swayed! And
what about me, eh? I was
their manager!
Rodney
(Picking up a
drumstick)
I'm gonna stick this right up
your jacksy!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.