DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The only stock lying about the flat are three large unmarked
cardboard boxes. Rodney, in his 'just got up' look, is
sitting at the table reading one of his magazines, sipping
tea from a mug and smoking a roll-up. He looks tentatively
at the cardboard boxes. Rodney is mentally squirming at the
memory of his mistake. The front door can be heard opening.
In the hall, Albert enters wearing a duffle coat, scarf,
gloves and hat. He shivers with cold. Two brown envelopes
drop through the letter box. Albert kneels down and examines
them, then 'posts' them back through the letter box. He
enters the lounge.
Albert
The Paki shop won't let us have
nothing on tick! Says it's part
of his culture!
Rodney
Don't think it's got anything
to do with the 46 quid we
already owe 'em do you?
Albert
Funny enough he mentioned that!
Albert peers in one of the boxes. He looks at Rodney, gives
a sharp intake of breath and shakes his head sadly.
Albert (cont'd)
Still, it's got nothing to do
with me!
Rodney
That's right!
Albert
The moment you suggested going
down the auction and buying on
yer own, I knew there'd be
trouble! But I won' say
nothing on the matter Rodney.
Rodney
Good!
Albert
They must have seen him coming!
Del enters from the bedroom. A flare is exchanged between
him and Rodney.
Del
Good morning Uncle.
Albert
Oh, morning Del. The Paki
won't let us have no breakfast.
Del
That's alright, I haven't much
felt like eating, recently.
Del and Rodney share another glare. Del opens the top of
another box, peers in and closes the top quickly with an
ironic laugh.
Del
(Sarcastic)
What's the weather like out?
Albert
It's parky Del!
Del
Good, good! Nice thick frost
is there?
Albert
Bit slippery underfoot, yeah!
Del
Oh cushty! Nice northerly wind
howling in from the Urals is
there?
Albert
Cuts right through you Del!
Del
Lovely!! Because today Uncle
Albert, owing to young Rodney's
foresight and GCEs, while all
them other plonkers down the
market are selling woolly hats
and thermal under-wear we're
gonna make a right killing. Do
you know why we're gonna make
a killing? We ain't got woolly
underwear.
(Producing bottle
from box)
We've got sun tan lotion!! And
we ain't got just a little drop
of sun tan lotion! We've got
500 bloody quids worth of the
stuff.
Rodney
I've told you I bought it as
an investment!
Del
An investment! Menage a trois!
In the middle of the worst
winter for two million years -
with the weathermen laying
odds on a new Ice Age - this
dipstick goes out and buys out
Amber Solaire!
Rodney
The weathermen are also fore-
casting a boiling hot summer!
So come May or June we can sell
all of that or swop it for
something else!
Del
Like 50 or 60 anoraks maybe!?
Rodney
You won't give me any credit,
will you?
Albert
Nor will that Paki!
Rodney
Oh shut up Albert!
Albert
It's nothing to do with me!
Del
That five hundred quid that
you squandered on this stuff
was the last of the company's
capital!
Rodney
And how was I supposed to know
that??
Del
How were you supposed to know
that? You're the firm's
accountant you wally!
Rodney
Throwing that at me now are
you?
Del
Oh, look at that, we've got
nothing to sell and no money to
buy with!
Albert
It can't be that bad Del! There
must be something you can knock
out?
Del
Yeah, I know what I would like
to knock out.
Albert
What's in the van?
Del
Nothin'!
Albert
What's in the garage?
Rodney
The van!
Del
The only thing we've knocked
out in the last month was that
electric deep-fryer to the
guvn'r at the Nag's Head - and
I'm waiting for a comeback on
that!
Rodney
(Pointing to
Albert)
It's him, ain't it? I mean,
ever since he come to live
here we've had nothing but bad
luck!
Albert
What's he on about now?
Del
Oh I don't know.
Rodney
Alright, what about the time
he was in the navy! Every
single ship hw ever sailed on
either got torpedoed or dive-
bombed! Two of them in
peacetime! Del, that man is a
jinx!
Del
Oh leave it out Rodney! Gordon
Bennett, you'll be burning
witches next! I went down and
ordered Grandad's headstone
the other day! Beautiful thing
it is! It's got all angels and
things round it and it's got
this great big eagle with a
scroll in its foot! Of course,
I think I'll have to cancel
that now! That'll cheer 'em up
down at the plastics factory
won't it, eh? They've gone and
bought all the fiberglass and
everything!
Rodney
Something's bound to turn up
Del! He who dares, eh?
Del
If you say so Rodney, if you
say so.
Albert
I was reading in the Sunday
papers about them fellas what
pick up with these rich old
widows - what they call 'em -
toy boys! You wanna see the
stuff they pick for presents.
Solid gold watches, sports
cars - money! Might be worth
considering!
Rodney
Well, we both admire your
spirit Uncle, but don't you
think you've left it bit late
for that sort of thing.
Albert
I'm not talking about me! I
meant you!
Rodney
Me?? I'm not selling my body
to some old tart! Thank you.
Albert
Not even for the family??
Rodney
Especially not for the family!
I'm not gonna let myself
become some hooker!
Del
Listen Uncle. You came to stay
with us for a couple of
nights, about four weeks ago.
So you don't know us very well.
So let me explain something to
you you see. You see, you
can't expect Rodney to go
and do something like that! I
mean even I wouldn't expect
Rodney to do something like
that!
Albert
I suppose it was too much to
ask! Sorry Del.
Del
That's alright!
(To Albert)
I mean, Rodney can't even give
it away let alone flog it!
DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD.
A brewery lorry is parked at the kerb. The wooden flaps
leading to the cellar are open and the drayman and his mate
are shooting cardboard boxes down the slope. Mike the land-
lord is down there collecting and stacking the boxes. The
three-wheeled van pulls up, backfiring, steam billowing
from under the bonnet. Del leaps out and kicks the van.
Del
'Ere you are, look, stick that
on the windscreen, will you.
Rodney places a 'CD' sticker on the windscreen and alights.
Del opens the back door to release Uncle Albert.
Rodney
Couldn't we sell this and get
something more useful?
Del
Like what?
Rodney
Like a bus pass!
Del
I ain't in the mood Rodney,
I'm just not in the mood!!
Alright.
Del has noticed the boxes being thrown down the chute.
Del (cont'd)
Be handy if one of them was to
accidentally fall in our
direction wouldn't it, eh?
Rodney
Leave off Del!
Albert
You've got nowhere to hide it!
Rodney
Yeah, well, that's what I meant.
Del
I suppose you're right. Come
on.
As they pass the open cellar hole Albert calls out to Mike.
Albert
Hello Mike. How's that deep-
fryer Del sold you?
Mike shoots an accusing finger at Del.
Mike
I want a word with you Trotter!
Del
Yes, yes, of course Michael!
I'll be in the office!
(To Albert)
What are you trying to do to
me??
Albert
I don't know Del Boy!
Rodney
Del, I've just had a thought
where we could hide one of them
barrels.
Del
Yeah, where?
Rodney
(Referring to Uncle
Albert)
In his mouth!
DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD.
Del is at the bar. He is waiting for his change from Maureen.
Maureen
That's enough, thanks Mike.
Man
Come on darling, I ordered
chicken in a basket 'alf hour
ago! What you waiting for, the
egg to hatch!
Maureen
It's not my fault! Our deep-
fryer's on the blink!
(To Del)
Ain't customers stupid, eh?
Del
Put it like that, I suppose
they are!
Del moves to a table where Rodney and Grandad are seated.
Del (cont'd)
Here you are, come on, get that
down your neck, a small rum.
Albert
Just to keep the cold out Del!
Del
Make the most of it, could be
your last!
Rodney
I've been thinking!
Del
Oh leave it out Rodney, we're
in enough trouble as it is.
Rodney
Hang on, right, now look, when
I was studying for my GCE in
Maths, right I had to learn to
do cross-canceling equations.
The idea is, you list all your
problems and then eradicate
them using a process of
elimination, thus discovering
the solution! That's what I've
been doing!
Del
G'on then, I'm game. Go on.
Rodney
One: We are traders who have
nothing to sell, right?
Del
Yeah!
Rodney
Two: We are traders who have
no money to buy with. Correct?
Del
I'm gonna smack you right in
the bloody mouth in a minute.
Rodney
Hang on! Three...
(Checks notepad)
Oh no, there ain't a three! So,
the solution to our problem is
thus: We have to find a way of
making money out of nothing!
Del and Albert
Yeah?
Rodney
Oh, I don't know how we do it,
that's the answer!
Del
And you had to use ink to come
to that conclusion?? Stone me
Rodney, a Millwall fan could
have worked that out!
Rodney
Don't keep on at me Del, at
least I'm trying ain't I,
which is more than I can say
for you.
Del
Me, I wasn't the one that spent
500 quid on all that rubbish.
Rodney
Would you get of my back...
Albert
Pack it in you two! Look at
you, you're at each other's
throats. Bloody money, whether
you've got too much of it or
not enough, it always causes
trouble. Don't worry,
something will turn up, you
see. I'll see you two later.
Albert exits.
Del
Yeah, yeah alright.
Rodney
D'you think we ought to go with
him in case he gets mugged?
Del
Nah, he's skint anyway! Well
that's it, ain't it, I'm gonna
have to pawn all the jewellery
again! Honestly these rings
they know more about hock than
a German wine taster!
Rodney
Something's gonna turn up Del!
Del
What, with our luck? If I
threw a fiver into the air
it'd come down as a summons! I
don't ask much out of life do
I, eh? Only an 'apenny more
than I can spend. And look at
me, look, I'm gutted! It's all
your fault Rodney!
Rodney
Oh don't start all that again!
Del
Well it is. I mean ever since
you were that high you've done
nothing but hold me back!
Rodney
I held you back??
Del
Yeah, I mean, when Mum died I
should have had you put into
care! I would have been some-
one by now! I would have done,
I would have probably had me
own penthouse, and I would
have had an Aston Martin with
a telephone an' all that.
Rodney
Well, I'll tell you something
Del. You'd have been doing me
a favour if you'd had put me
into care! 'Cos at least then
I might have got a proper job
when I left school, instead of
humping your old suitcase all
over London!
Del
But you didn't wanna leave
school sis you? If it'd been up
to you, you would have been
there drawing your old age
pension.
Rodney
I only wanted to stay there
while I got GCEs in Maths and
Art!
Del
And a lot of good they done
the firm! The only time your
GCE has come in handy was that
time when I asked you to count
them tins of paint!
There is a massive thud and the sound of breaking glass
from the back of the pub.
Del
What the bloody hell's that?
Rodney
You don't think it was that
deep-fryer o you?
Del
I'm not gonna stay to find
out. Come on, let's look
lively! Come on.
They make to dash out of the pub when Maureen calls them
back.
Maureen
Del.
Del
Yeah, won't be a minute love.
Rodney
Yeah, we've just got to...
Maureen
It's your Uncle Albert!!
Del
What about Uncle Albert?
Maureen
He's fallen down our cellar!
Quick.
Del
Fallen down the cellar...
STUDIO. DAY. THE PUB CELLAR.
Crates and broken bottles lie around the cellar floor.
The plank is still in position. Mike is sitting on the
floor holding his injured neck. Del and Rodney arrive
and survey the cellar urgently.
Del
(To Mike)
Well??
Mike
No, no, no, Del the old neck's
gone.
Del
No, no, no, I mean, what
happened??
Mike
I don't know! I just looked up
- and there was Albert plummet-
ing towards me!
Rodney
Hold on, where is he??
Mike
Oh he's over there somewhere!
Rodney rushes to the corner where Albert is spread-eagled
on the floor amid a pile of fallen crates and bottles.
Del is puzzled as to how Albert managed to fall through
the cellar hole but end up 15 yards away in the corner.
Del
How the hell did he get over
there?
Mike
He hit the plank and bounced! He
went through the air like one
of them springboard divers! Cor
my neck don't 'alf hurt, Del!
Del
Your neck! Your neck. Uncle
Albert nearly ends up in a
Jumbo's flightpath, and all you
can think about is your rotten
Gregory!! Oh come on.
Rodney
Are you alright?
Albert
I'm a bit shaken and dazed
Rodney!
Del
It's probably jet-lag! Come on,
get him onto his feet Rodney.
Come on, up you come.
Albert
Fancy leaving an open cellar
door unguarded. I've got a
good mind to sue the brewery!
Del
Yeah, put yer arm around
Rodney's.
Del muses thoughtfully and greedily on Albert's last speech.
Del (cont'd)
Sue the brewery.
(To Rodney)
Put him down. What the hell
d'you think you're doing?
Rodney
Del, you just said pick him
up.
Del
Yeah, I know what I just said
but you don't know what sort
of damage he's done! He might
have broken something!
Rodney
Yeah he has! About four dozen
bottles of Guiness! Come on
Del. There's nothing wrong
with him. He said so himself.
Del
Yeah, but how does he know
that? How does he know that? He
might have hit his head and got
percussion! Look, the first
thing to do in first aid is
never move the victim, right?
Albert
You'll have to move me soon
Del, the last bell's just gone!
Del
See that, he's got ringing
sounds in his ears! This is
even worse than I thought
Rodney. Quick nip upstairs and
get on the telephone, yeah,
phone for a solicitor!
Rodney
Yeah, a solicitor?? Del you
can't sue!
Del
You don't wanna put money on it
do you? Him falling down that
hole could be the biggest bit
of luck we've had in years.
Rodney
But Del, if he'd hurt himself
there'd be little signs -
wouldn't there - like blood and
pain! His hat ain't come off.
Del
How's that alright.
Albert
Don't give us all that Quincy
cobblers Rodney! You don't
know how bad I am!
Del
You see, you don't know how bad
he is. Now quick whip upstairs
and phone Solly Attwell! You'll
find his number in the Yellow
Pages. Go on, look lively.
Rodney
Solly Atwell's our solicitor.
Bloody 'ell, he's more bent
than the villains!
Del
That's the sort of man we need
in a case like this, a
specialist! G' on then, get
on the blower!
Rodney
You don't mind if I phone for
an ambulance first, do you?
Del
Ambulance! Ambulance! Good
thinking. That'll look great
on the report! Well done,
Rodney. Go on, away you go.
Rodney exits.
Del (cont'd)
The old brewery are gonna pay
through the nose for this.
Albert
I told you something'd turn up,
didn't I Del?
Del
That's alright Uncle, you just
conserve yer oxygen. That's
alright.
Del moves a few yards away, wearing a greedy and satisfied
grin. He now turns suddenly and urgently as if hearing
something.
Del
Uncle - Albert - did I hear
you groaning in pain?
Albert
No!
Del
Well why not?? Come on.
NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Solly Atwell is seated at the table reading the various
accident and medical reports. He is 40 and a bit seedy.
His black three-piece suit is slightly grubby and doesn't
quite fit him. Solly, as the 'local man'. deals mainly
in GBH cases, burglaries and lots of drunk and disorder-
lies. He is, however, an expert in 'Mickey Mouse' law
suits and industrial compensation. Del and Rodney sit
anxiously awaiting his verdict. Solly, with a concerned
expression, looks up.
Solly
I'm afraid it's bad news Derek,
I'd brace yourselves if I was
you! According to this medical
report and the X-ray they took
...there's nothing wrong with
him!
Del
There's gotta be something
wrong with him! He was none too
clever before he fell down the
hole!
Solly
Sorry Del Boy! Not a mark,
scratch, abrasion or bruise! He
must have landed on something
soft.
Rodney
Yeah he did, the landlord!
Solly
If I were you Del Boy I'd
accept the brewery's offer.
Rodney
What offer??
Solly
Their solicitors phoned me
today. To save any adverse
publicity they're willing to
settle out of court for two
grand.
Rodney
Two grand??
Albert
Take the money Del.
Del
No, I wanted more than that! I
wanted enough money to set us
up proper. Wait a minute, if
they're willing to settle for
two grand out of court, think
what they'll settle for in
court!
Rodney
But Del, there's nothing wrong
with him!!
Del
Well it ain't my bloody fault
is it??
Solly
Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen,
please! Now perhaps we should
look at the case from another
angle. I mean we've only been
considering the physical
damage!
(Pointing to Albert's
head)
But what about this!
Del
We ain't gonna get a lot for
his bloody hat are we!
Solly
No, I mean his - his mind
Derek! Psychological injuries!
Del
Will the court swallow that?
Solly
If you three say the right
things they will. Hey listen,
there was a case in America
where this chap fell down a
manhole and, like your Uncle,
he sustained no physical
injuries. Yet her successfully
sued the Los Angeles City
council for thirty million
pounds!
Del and Rodney
(Drooling)
Thirty million!!
Solly
He claimed the accident had
ruined his sex life!
Del
At that rate we'll get one
pound and seventy five pence.
Solly
We're not claiming anything
like that! I'm just giving you
that as an example of how these
'unseen' injuries can mount up
in the old compo stakes! Now,
look at the facts as I see them.
An elderly man who fought
bravely for his country, sail-
ing the seven seas enduring
that Britain never, never,
never shall be slaves, has had
his retirement - his few well
earned years of rest, ruined
by the negligence of a multi-
national company! An active man
struck down by the thoughtless
action of this mammouth, rich
corporation! The bouts of
amnesia, the fear of the
outside world and, most
distressing of all, losing
the use of his legs!
Albert is standing.
Del
Sit! Right, that's it, do the
bizzo Solly! Alright listen,
I want no Mickey Mouse
magistrates! I want the High
Court, I want a pukka brief -
you know black cape, crown-
topper, all the Xs, alright?
Right Solly?
Solly
I'll set the wheels in motion.
I shall need a list of
witnesses.
Rodney
No, see, there weren't no
witnesses!
Del
Will ten do?
Solly
Lovely!
DAY. THE COURTROOM.
Representing the Trotters in Mr Frazer - seated behind him
is Solly. Seated opposite and representing the brewery in
Mr Gerrard. Seated behind is Mike, wearing a surgical
collar. Rodney is in the witness box.
Frazer
Now Mr Trotter, you were
standing outside the Nag's
Head public house when this
tragic accident occurred?
Rodney
(Obviously lying)
...Yes!
Frazer
You saw the incident clearly?
Rodney
Yes!
Frazer
Would you tell the court what
happened.
Rodney
...My uncle fell down a hole!
Frazer
Yes! Would you tell the court
how he fell down the hole.
Rodney
...Em...well, it was...
Rodney contorts his body and does a little hop sideways.
Rodney (cont'd)
Like that!
Frazer
No, no Mr Trotter! Did he trip,
did he stumble?
Rodney
No. Well, he sort of walked
and then fell down the hole!
Frazer
Didn't he see the warning
notice?
Rodney
There was no warning notice.
Frazer
Wasn't he stopped by the guard
rail!
Rodney
There was no guard rail either.
Frazer
I see! No warning notice, no
guard rail! Sounds very
dangerous to me!
Rodney
Yes! I can remember thinking
to myself at the time, 'That's
rather dangerous! Someone
could fall down that!'
Frazer
And how right you were! So,
you ran straight down to the
cellar?
Rodney
Yes!
Frazer
And were you the first person
to find your Uncle?
Rodney
Yes!
Frazer
What did he look like?
Rodney
Horrible!
DAY. THE COURTROOM.
Del is in the witness box.
Frazer
Would you please tell the
court, are you related to the
plaintiff?
Del
(Indicating Mike)
No, no I just drink in his pub!
(Indicating Albert)
That little one there is me
Uncle!
Frazer
Quite!
Del
I saw it all your worship,
utter negligence - a complete
disregard for public safety...
Judge
Yes, yes, quite! Mr Frazer, I
don't think we need concern
ourselves any further with the
accident itself! I believe
liability has been proved
quite - quite conclusively!
Frazer
Much obliged to your honour!
Let us move on now to the
after-effects of the accident.
Has your Uncle changed in any
way since this happened?
Del
Do what? Oh yeah - oh yeah.
He's a completely different
man now! I mean he used to be
so active! You know it was
full of swimming, sponsored
walks, marathon. You know,
well they used to call him the
Jimmy Savile of Peckham! Well,
he was always out and about,
you'd rarely find him in!
Frazer
And now?
Del
Well, now he is like the
Olympic flame - he never goes
out your lordship. Locked in
his room, he' - he's
frightened he might fall
own another hole!
Frazer
And how has the gradual loss
of feeling in his leg affected
him?
Del
Well, how would it affect you
Captain? I mean, one minute,
you know he's there doing his
acrobatics to his Bizzy Lizzy
LP, and then the next minute
he has to ask us whether or
not he's got his shoes on! But
I mean, the worstest, the
worstest thing of all is your
honour is these sudden bouts
of amnesia. You know, they have
led to him having some very
nasty falls.
Judge
I fail to see the connection.
How can amnesia cause one to
fall?
Del
He keeps forgetting he can't
walk!
Frazer
I have no further questions
m'lud.
Judge
Mr Gerrard?
Gerrard
No questions your honour.
Judge
You may stand down Mr Trotter.
Del
Stand down? I've only just
started. I've got loads more I
could tell you!
Judge
That will be all Mr Trotter,
thank you.
Del moves from the witness box to the back of the courtroom
beside Rodney near Solly. He nods to Mike.
Del
Alright Mike.
Mike
(Nodding back and
feeling pain)
Aahh!
Del
How we doing Solly?
Solly
We're home and dry. This could
be a ten grander coming up
here!
Judge
Mr Frazer, do you intend
calling any more witnesses?
Frazer
I have no further witnesses
m'lud.
Judge
Mr Gerrard?
Gerrard
Just one your honour. I call
the plaintiff, Albert
Gladstone Trotter.
One of the clerks pushes Albert, in a wheelchair that
squeaks, to the witness box.
Del
I thought you said they
wouldn't call him?
Solly
I said 'we' wouldn't call him!
Look don't worry, I've already
briefed him. Any awkward
questions he just claims loss
of memory!
Rodney
Loss of memory! Knowing him
he'll forget!
Clerk
Take the book in your right
hand and read the card.
Albert, putting on the agony, struggles to stand.
Judge
There's no need to stand Mr
Trotter. Please remain seated.
Albert
Thank you your worship. I
swear to tell the truth, the
whole truth and nothing but
the truth.
Gerrard
You are Albert Gladstone
Trotter, presently residing at
368 Nelson Mandela House,
Dockside Estate, Peckham?
Albert
I think so sir.
Gerrard
Yes. I'll make this as brief
as possible Mr Trotter, I
realise how distressing this
must be for you. Do you have
any recollection of the
accident?
Albert
Very little sir. One minute I
was walking along, on me way
to post me entry form for The
Krypton Factor. Anyway, next I
was falling through the air!
All me life flashed before me!
The battle of the River Plate,
the sinking of the Graf Spee,
raid on Telemar.
Mike is shaking his head, reacting to pain.
Mike
Aahh!
Judge
Silence that man!
Mike
Sorry your honour!
Albert
After that it's all a blank.
Me memory keeps going, see.
Gerrard
Have you ever suffered with
amnesia before?
Albert
I can't remember.
Gerrard
I see! But you can remember
the war! After all, you have
all your ribbons there to
remind you. Where were you
based Mr Trotter?
Albert
I was overseas sir.
Gerrard
Really, how odd! I looked into
your naval record and it seems
that you spent the best part
of the war stationed in a
storage depot on the Isle of
Wight! Hardly overseas!
Albert
You wanna try walking it pal!
Gerrard
I also noticed Mr Trotter that
in May, 1944, you were one of
several naval ratings,
seconded to a Marine parachute
unit, specially formed for
missions behind enemy lines. I
believe you were involved in
laundry matters! But whilst
with this unit you underwent
basic parachute training.
Would you tell the court what
this training consisted of?
Albert
Em...jumping of of things!
Gerrard
'Jumping off of things!' In
other words, learning to fall
without injuring oneself!
Albert
My memory ain't what it used
to be your worship.
Gerrard
I sympathise Mr Trotter and
intend to help you as much as
I can. Tell me, could you
possibly be the same Albert
Gladstone Trotter who, in
1946, fell down the cellar of
the Victory Inn, Portsmouth,
and received one hundred
pounds compensation?
Albert
I can't remember that far back
sir.
Gerrard
Well, let's try a more recent
case then. Could you be the
same Albert Gladstone Trotter
who, in 1951, fell down the
cellar of the Coach and Horses,
Peckham Rye, and received a two
hundred and twenty five pound
out of court settlement?
Albert
Me mind's a blank!
Gerrard
Maybe you were the same Albert
Gladstone Trotter who, in 1949,
fell down the cellar of the
Crossed Keys off-licence,
Gravesend? How about the
Thatched Inn, Canning Town, or
does the Brunswick Club, New
Cross, ring a bell?
Rodney
I don't believe it!
Del
It's a bloody nightmare Rodney,
it's a bloody nightmare! He's
been down more holes than Tony
Jacklin.
DAY. THE COURTHOUSE.
Del exits through the main doors followed by Rodney. Del
draws on a cigar in an agitated manner, trying to control
his temper. Rodney sighs heavily.
Del
I don't believe it! I do not
believe what that garrity old
git has done to us! I mean, the
only hole he hasn't fallen down
is the black one in Calcutta!
What is it the insurance
companies nicknamed him?
Rodney
The ferret!
Del
The ferret!
Rodney
He's had 15 previous lawsuits
for falling down holes!
Del
Those are the known cases
Rodney! I mean, how many times
has the landlord settled out
of court with a quiet
backhander to save all the
aggro?
The sound of a squeaking wheelchair is heard. Del and
Rodney both stretch themselves to their full heights at
this sound. A sheepish Albert is sitting behind them,
frightened of their response.
Del
Alright, come on, how many
pubs, off-licences and drinking
clubs have you done in your
time?
Albert
Well, quite a few Del! The
first cellar I fell down was
genuine - honest! But 'cos I'd
learnt to fall properly I
didn't hurt myself - but I
still got compensation out of
it and I thought 'This is
handy!' So, whenever me and
yer Grandad was hard up for a
few bob well I'd go'n fall
down a hole! I was only
tryin' to help.
Rodney
Only tryin' to help? I was
nearly done for contempt of
court.
(Indicating Del)
His name's been sent to the
director of public prosecution
and Solly and the brief look
like they're gonna get
defrocked! And you were only
tryin' to help!!
Albert
I said I'm sorry Rodney! I
didn't wanna do it! I mean, I'm
past all that stunt-man lark!
But you two have been good to me
these past few weeks. And I
wanted to get some money to -
well - repay you. And I wanted
to get yer Grandad his
headstone.
Del
You did it for Grandad's head-
stone?
Albert
He was my older brother Del.
When I was a kid he used to
look after me. I never did any-
thing for him - never had the
chance to - until now! Sorry
boys!
Del
Yeah, yeah, alright don't worry
about it Uncle Albert. Come on
Rodney, let's get Ironside home!
With Del pushing the wheelchair and Rodney strolling along
beside, they move up the road. There is a pause.
Albert
It's turned out nice innit
boys?
Rodney
Triffic!
Del
I'd better knock out some of
that sun tan lotion, eh?
They continue moving away. There is another short pause
before Del stops.
Del
'Ere just a - just a minute why
am I pushing you? You can walk
you lazy old sod!
Albert
Oh yeah, I forgot!
Rodney
Oh had another little bout of
amnesia, eh Del!
Del
Now don't you start all that
blackout nonsense with me
Uncle 'cos it won't wash!
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses ™
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