Only Fools And Horses

Hole In One

DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. The only stock lying about the flat are three large unmarked cardboard boxes. Rodney, in his 'just got up' look, is sitting at the table reading one of his magazines, sipping tea from a mug and smoking a roll-up. He looks tentatively at the cardboard boxes. Rodney is mentally squirming at the memory of his mistake. The front door can be heard opening. In the hall, Albert enters wearing a duffle coat, scarf, gloves and hat. He shivers with cold. Two brown envelopes drop through the letter box. Albert kneels down and examines them, then 'posts' them back through the letter box. He enters the lounge. Albert The Paki shop won't let us have nothing on tick! Says it's part of his culture! Rodney Don't think it's got anything to do with the 46 quid we already owe 'em do you? Albert Funny enough he mentioned that! Albert peers in one of the boxes. He looks at Rodney, gives a sharp intake of breath and shakes his head sadly. Albert (cont'd) Still, it's got nothing to do with me! Rodney That's right! Albert The moment you suggested going down the auction and buying on yer own, I knew there'd be trouble! But I won' say nothing on the matter Rodney. Rodney Good! Albert They must have seen him coming! Del enters from the bedroom. A flare is exchanged between him and Rodney. Del Good morning Uncle. Albert Oh, morning Del. The Paki won't let us have no breakfast. Del That's alright, I haven't much felt like eating, recently. Del and Rodney share another glare. Del opens the top of another box, peers in and closes the top quickly with an ironic laugh. Del (Sarcastic) What's the weather like out? Albert It's parky Del! Del Good, good! Nice thick frost is there? Albert Bit slippery underfoot, yeah! Del Oh cushty! Nice northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there? Albert Cuts right through you Del! Del Lovely!! Because today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCEs, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal under-wear we're gonna make a right killing. Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. (Producing bottle from box) We've got sun tan lotion!! And we ain't got just a little drop of sun tan lotion! We've got 500 bloody quids worth of the stuff. Rodney I've told you I bought it as an investment! Del An investment! Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years - with the weathermen laying odds on a new Ice Age - this dipstick goes out and buys out Amber Solaire! Rodney The weathermen are also fore- casting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June we can sell all of that or swop it for something else! Del Like 50 or 60 anoraks maybe!? Rodney You won't give me any credit, will you? Albert Nor will that Paki! Rodney Oh shut up Albert! Albert It's nothing to do with me! Del That five hundred quid that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital! Rodney And how was I supposed to know that?? Del How were you supposed to know that? You're the firm's accountant you wally! Rodney Throwing that at me now are you? Del Oh, look at that, we've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with! Albert It can't be that bad Del! There must be something you can knock out? Del Yeah, I know what I would like to knock out. Albert What's in the van? Del Nothin'! Albert What's in the garage? Rodney The van! Del The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep-fryer to the guvn'r at the Nag's Head - and I'm waiting for a comeback on that! Rodney (Pointing to Albert) It's him, ain't it? I mean, ever since he come to live here we've had nothing but bad luck! Albert What's he on about now? Del Oh I don't know. Rodney Alright, what about the time he was in the navy! Every single ship hw ever sailed on either got torpedoed or dive- bombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx! Del Oh leave it out Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next! I went down and ordered Grandad's headstone the other day! Beautiful thing it is! It's got all angels and things round it and it's got this great big eagle with a scroll in its foot! Of course, I think I'll have to cancel that now! That'll cheer 'em up down at the plastics factory won't it, eh? They've gone and bought all the fiberglass and everything! Rodney Something's bound to turn up Del! He who dares, eh? Del If you say so Rodney, if you say so. Albert I was reading in the Sunday papers about them fellas what pick up with these rich old widows - what they call 'em - toy boys! You wanna see the stuff they pick for presents. Solid gold watches, sports cars - money! Might be worth considering! Rodney Well, we both admire your spirit Uncle, but don't you think you've left it bit late for that sort of thing. Albert I'm not talking about me! I meant you! Rodney Me?? I'm not selling my body to some old tart! Thank you. Albert Not even for the family?? Rodney Especially not for the family! I'm not gonna let myself become some hooker! Del Listen Uncle. You came to stay with us for a couple of nights, about four weeks ago. So you don't know us very well. So let me explain something to you you see. You see, you can't expect Rodney to go and do something like that! I mean even I wouldn't expect Rodney to do something like that! Albert I suppose it was too much to ask! Sorry Del. Del That's alright! (To Albert) I mean, Rodney can't even give it away let alone flog it! DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD. A brewery lorry is parked at the kerb. The wooden flaps leading to the cellar are open and the drayman and his mate are shooting cardboard boxes down the slope. Mike the land- lord is down there collecting and stacking the boxes. The three-wheeled van pulls up, backfiring, steam billowing from under the bonnet. Del leaps out and kicks the van. Del 'Ere you are, look, stick that on the windscreen, will you. Rodney places a 'CD' sticker on the windscreen and alights. Del opens the back door to release Uncle Albert. Rodney Couldn't we sell this and get something more useful? Del Like what? Rodney Like a bus pass! Del I ain't in the mood Rodney, I'm just not in the mood!! Alright. Del has noticed the boxes being thrown down the chute. Del (cont'd) Be handy if one of them was to accidentally fall in our direction wouldn't it, eh? Rodney Leave off Del! Albert You've got nowhere to hide it! Rodney Yeah, well, that's what I meant. Del I suppose you're right. Come on. As they pass the open cellar hole Albert calls out to Mike. Albert Hello Mike. How's that deep- fryer Del sold you? Mike shoots an accusing finger at Del. Mike I want a word with you Trotter! Del Yes, yes, of course Michael! I'll be in the office! (To Albert) What are you trying to do to me?? Albert I don't know Del Boy! Rodney Del, I've just had a thought where we could hide one of them barrels. Del Yeah, where? Rodney (Referring to Uncle Albert) In his mouth! DAY. THE NAG'S HEAD. Del is at the bar. He is waiting for his change from Maureen. Maureen That's enough, thanks Mike. Man Come on darling, I ordered chicken in a basket 'alf hour ago! What you waiting for, the egg to hatch! Maureen It's not my fault! Our deep- fryer's on the blink! (To Del) Ain't customers stupid, eh? Del Put it like that, I suppose they are! Del moves to a table where Rodney and Grandad are seated. Del (cont'd) Here you are, come on, get that down your neck, a small rum. Albert Just to keep the cold out Del! Del Make the most of it, could be your last! Rodney I've been thinking! Del Oh leave it out Rodney, we're in enough trouble as it is. Rodney Hang on, right, now look, when I was studying for my GCE in Maths, right I had to learn to do cross-canceling equations. The idea is, you list all your problems and then eradicate them using a process of elimination, thus discovering the solution! That's what I've been doing! Del G'on then, I'm game. Go on. Rodney One: We are traders who have nothing to sell, right? Del Yeah! Rodney Two: We are traders who have no money to buy with. Correct? Del I'm gonna smack you right in the bloody mouth in a minute. Rodney Hang on! Three... (Checks notepad) Oh no, there ain't a three! So, the solution to our problem is thus: We have to find a way of making money out of nothing! Del and Albert Yeah? Rodney Oh, I don't know how we do it, that's the answer! Del And you had to use ink to come to that conclusion?? Stone me Rodney, a Millwall fan could have worked that out! Rodney Don't keep on at me Del, at least I'm trying ain't I, which is more than I can say for you. Del Me, I wasn't the one that spent 500 quid on all that rubbish. Rodney Would you get of my back... Albert Pack it in you two! Look at you, you're at each other's throats. Bloody money, whether you've got too much of it or not enough, it always causes trouble. Don't worry, something will turn up, you see. I'll see you two later. Albert exits. Del Yeah, yeah alright. Rodney D'you think we ought to go with him in case he gets mugged? Del Nah, he's skint anyway! Well that's it, ain't it, I'm gonna have to pawn all the jewellery again! Honestly these rings they know more about hock than a German wine taster! Rodney Something's gonna turn up Del! Del What, with our luck? If I threw a fiver into the air it'd come down as a summons! I don't ask much out of life do I, eh? Only an 'apenny more than I can spend. And look at me, look, I'm gutted! It's all your fault Rodney! Rodney Oh don't start all that again! Del Well it is. I mean ever since you were that high you've done nothing but hold me back! Rodney I held you back?? Del Yeah, I mean, when Mum died I should have had you put into care! I would have been some- one by now! I would have done, I would have probably had me own penthouse, and I would have had an Aston Martin with a telephone an' all that. Rodney Well, I'll tell you something Del. You'd have been doing me a favour if you'd had put me into care! 'Cos at least then I might have got a proper job when I left school, instead of humping your old suitcase all over London! Del But you didn't wanna leave school sis you? If it'd been up to you, you would have been there drawing your old age pension. Rodney I only wanted to stay there while I got GCEs in Maths and Art! Del And a lot of good they done the firm! The only time your GCE has come in handy was that time when I asked you to count them tins of paint! There is a massive thud and the sound of breaking glass from the back of the pub. Del What the bloody hell's that? Rodney You don't think it was that deep-fryer o you? Del I'm not gonna stay to find out. Come on, let's look lively! Come on. They make to dash out of the pub when Maureen calls them back. Maureen Del. Del Yeah, won't be a minute love. Rodney Yeah, we've just got to... Maureen It's your Uncle Albert!! Del What about Uncle Albert? Maureen He's fallen down our cellar! Quick. Del Fallen down the cellar... STUDIO. DAY. THE PUB CELLAR. Crates and broken bottles lie around the cellar floor. The plank is still in position. Mike is sitting on the floor holding his injured neck. Del and Rodney arrive and survey the cellar urgently. Del (To Mike) Well?? Mike No, no, no, Del the old neck's gone. Del No, no, no, I mean, what happened?? Mike I don't know! I just looked up - and there was Albert plummet- ing towards me! Rodney Hold on, where is he?? Mike Oh he's over there somewhere! Rodney rushes to the corner where Albert is spread-eagled on the floor amid a pile of fallen crates and bottles. Del is puzzled as to how Albert managed to fall through the cellar hole but end up 15 yards away in the corner. Del How the hell did he get over there? Mike He hit the plank and bounced! He went through the air like one of them springboard divers! Cor my neck don't 'alf hurt, Del! Del Your neck! Your neck. Uncle Albert nearly ends up in a Jumbo's flightpath, and all you can think about is your rotten Gregory!! Oh come on. Rodney Are you alright? Albert I'm a bit shaken and dazed Rodney! Del It's probably jet-lag! Come on, get him onto his feet Rodney. Come on, up you come. Albert Fancy leaving an open cellar door unguarded. I've got a good mind to sue the brewery! Del Yeah, put yer arm around Rodney's. Del muses thoughtfully and greedily on Albert's last speech. Del (cont'd) Sue the brewery. (To Rodney) Put him down. What the hell d'you think you're doing? Rodney Del, you just said pick him up. Del Yeah, I know what I just said but you don't know what sort of damage he's done! He might have broken something! Rodney Yeah he has! About four dozen bottles of Guiness! Come on Del. There's nothing wrong with him. He said so himself. Del Yeah, but how does he know that? How does he know that? He might have hit his head and got percussion! Look, the first thing to do in first aid is never move the victim, right? Albert You'll have to move me soon Del, the last bell's just gone! Del See that, he's got ringing sounds in his ears! This is even worse than I thought Rodney. Quick nip upstairs and get on the telephone, yeah, phone for a solicitor! Rodney Yeah, a solicitor?? Del you can't sue! Del You don't wanna put money on it do you? Him falling down that hole could be the biggest bit of luck we've had in years. Rodney But Del, if he'd hurt himself there'd be little signs - wouldn't there - like blood and pain! His hat ain't come off. Del How's that alright. Albert Don't give us all that Quincy cobblers Rodney! You don't know how bad I am! Del You see, you don't know how bad he is. Now quick whip upstairs and phone Solly Attwell! You'll find his number in the Yellow Pages. Go on, look lively. Rodney Solly Atwell's our solicitor. Bloody 'ell, he's more bent than the villains! Del That's the sort of man we need in a case like this, a specialist! G' on then, get on the blower! Rodney You don't mind if I phone for an ambulance first, do you? Del Ambulance! Ambulance! Good thinking. That'll look great on the report! Well done, Rodney. Go on, away you go. Rodney exits. Del (cont'd) The old brewery are gonna pay through the nose for this. Albert I told you something'd turn up, didn't I Del? Del That's alright Uncle, you just conserve yer oxygen. That's alright. Del moves a few yards away, wearing a greedy and satisfied grin. He now turns suddenly and urgently as if hearing something. Del Uncle - Albert - did I hear you groaning in pain? Albert No! Del Well why not?? Come on. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Solly Atwell is seated at the table reading the various accident and medical reports. He is 40 and a bit seedy. His black three-piece suit is slightly grubby and doesn't quite fit him. Solly, as the 'local man'. deals mainly in GBH cases, burglaries and lots of drunk and disorder- lies. He is, however, an expert in 'Mickey Mouse' law suits and industrial compensation. Del and Rodney sit anxiously awaiting his verdict. Solly, with a concerned expression, looks up. Solly I'm afraid it's bad news Derek, I'd brace yourselves if I was you! According to this medical report and the X-ray they took ...there's nothing wrong with him! Del There's gotta be something wrong with him! He was none too clever before he fell down the hole! Solly Sorry Del Boy! Not a mark, scratch, abrasion or bruise! He must have landed on something soft. Rodney Yeah he did, the landlord! Solly If I were you Del Boy I'd accept the brewery's offer. Rodney What offer?? Solly Their solicitors phoned me today. To save any adverse publicity they're willing to settle out of court for two grand. Rodney Two grand?? Albert Take the money Del. Del No, I wanted more than that! I wanted enough money to set us up proper. Wait a minute, if they're willing to settle for two grand out of court, think what they'll settle for in court! Rodney But Del, there's nothing wrong with him!! Del Well it ain't my bloody fault is it?? Solly Gentlemen, gentlemen, gentlemen, please! Now perhaps we should look at the case from another angle. I mean we've only been considering the physical damage! (Pointing to Albert's head) But what about this! Del We ain't gonna get a lot for his bloody hat are we! Solly No, I mean his - his mind Derek! Psychological injuries! Del Will the court swallow that? Solly If you three say the right things they will. Hey listen, there was a case in America where this chap fell down a manhole and, like your Uncle, he sustained no physical injuries. Yet her successfully sued the Los Angeles City council for thirty million pounds! Del and Rodney (Drooling) Thirty million!! Solly He claimed the accident had ruined his sex life! Del At that rate we'll get one pound and seventy five pence. Solly We're not claiming anything like that! I'm just giving you that as an example of how these 'unseen' injuries can mount up in the old compo stakes! Now, look at the facts as I see them. An elderly man who fought bravely for his country, sail- ing the seven seas enduring that Britain never, never, never shall be slaves, has had his retirement - his few well earned years of rest, ruined by the negligence of a multi- national company! An active man struck down by the thoughtless action of this mammouth, rich corporation! The bouts of amnesia, the fear of the outside world and, most distressing of all, losing the use of his legs! Albert is standing. Del Sit! Right, that's it, do the bizzo Solly! Alright listen, I want no Mickey Mouse magistrates! I want the High Court, I want a pukka brief - you know black cape, crown- topper, all the Xs, alright? Right Solly? Solly I'll set the wheels in motion. I shall need a list of witnesses. Rodney No, see, there weren't no witnesses! Del Will ten do? Solly Lovely! DAY. THE COURTROOM. Representing the Trotters in Mr Frazer - seated behind him is Solly. Seated opposite and representing the brewery in Mr Gerrard. Seated behind is Mike, wearing a surgical collar. Rodney is in the witness box. Frazer Now Mr Trotter, you were standing outside the Nag's Head public house when this tragic accident occurred? Rodney (Obviously lying) ...Yes! Frazer You saw the incident clearly? Rodney Yes! Frazer Would you tell the court what happened. Rodney ...My uncle fell down a hole! Frazer Yes! Would you tell the court how he fell down the hole. Rodney ...Em...well, it was... Rodney contorts his body and does a little hop sideways. Rodney (cont'd) Like that! Frazer No, no Mr Trotter! Did he trip, did he stumble? Rodney No. Well, he sort of walked and then fell down the hole! Frazer Didn't he see the warning notice? Rodney There was no warning notice. Frazer Wasn't he stopped by the guard rail! Rodney There was no guard rail either. Frazer I see! No warning notice, no guard rail! Sounds very dangerous to me! Rodney Yes! I can remember thinking to myself at the time, 'That's rather dangerous! Someone could fall down that!' Frazer And how right you were! So, you ran straight down to the cellar? Rodney Yes! Frazer And were you the first person to find your Uncle? Rodney Yes! Frazer What did he look like? Rodney Horrible! DAY. THE COURTROOM. Del is in the witness box. Frazer Would you please tell the court, are you related to the plaintiff? Del (Indicating Mike) No, no I just drink in his pub! (Indicating Albert) That little one there is me Uncle! Frazer Quite! Del I saw it all your worship, utter negligence - a complete disregard for public safety... Judge Yes, yes, quite! Mr Frazer, I don't think we need concern ourselves any further with the accident itself! I believe liability has been proved quite - quite conclusively! Frazer Much obliged to your honour! Let us move on now to the after-effects of the accident. Has your Uncle changed in any way since this happened? Del Do what? Oh yeah - oh yeah. He's a completely different man now! I mean he used to be so active! You know it was full of swimming, sponsored walks, marathon. You know, well they used to call him the Jimmy Savile of Peckham! Well, he was always out and about, you'd rarely find him in! Frazer And now? Del Well, now he is like the Olympic flame - he never goes out your lordship. Locked in his room, he' - he's frightened he might fall own another hole! Frazer And how has the gradual loss of feeling in his leg affected him? Del Well, how would it affect you Captain? I mean, one minute, you know he's there doing his acrobatics to his Bizzy Lizzy LP, and then the next minute he has to ask us whether or not he's got his shoes on! But I mean, the worstest, the worstest thing of all is your honour is these sudden bouts of amnesia. You know, they have led to him having some very nasty falls. Judge I fail to see the connection. How can amnesia cause one to fall? Del He keeps forgetting he can't walk! Frazer I have no further questions m'lud. Judge Mr Gerrard? Gerrard No questions your honour. Judge You may stand down Mr Trotter. Del Stand down? I've only just started. I've got loads more I could tell you! Judge That will be all Mr Trotter, thank you. Del moves from the witness box to the back of the courtroom beside Rodney near Solly. He nods to Mike. Del Alright Mike. Mike (Nodding back and feeling pain) Aahh! Del How we doing Solly? Solly We're home and dry. This could be a ten grander coming up here! Judge Mr Frazer, do you intend calling any more witnesses? Frazer I have no further witnesses m'lud. Judge Mr Gerrard? Gerrard Just one your honour. I call the plaintiff, Albert Gladstone Trotter. One of the clerks pushes Albert, in a wheelchair that squeaks, to the witness box. Del I thought you said they wouldn't call him? Solly I said 'we' wouldn't call him! Look don't worry, I've already briefed him. Any awkward questions he just claims loss of memory! Rodney Loss of memory! Knowing him he'll forget! Clerk Take the book in your right hand and read the card. Albert, putting on the agony, struggles to stand. Judge There's no need to stand Mr Trotter. Please remain seated. Albert Thank you your worship. I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Gerrard You are Albert Gladstone Trotter, presently residing at 368 Nelson Mandela House, Dockside Estate, Peckham? Albert I think so sir. Gerrard Yes. I'll make this as brief as possible Mr Trotter, I realise how distressing this must be for you. Do you have any recollection of the accident? Albert Very little sir. One minute I was walking along, on me way to post me entry form for The Krypton Factor. Anyway, next I was falling through the air! All me life flashed before me! The battle of the River Plate, the sinking of the Graf Spee, raid on Telemar. Mike is shaking his head, reacting to pain. Mike Aahh! Judge Silence that man! Mike Sorry your honour! Albert After that it's all a blank. Me memory keeps going, see. Gerrard Have you ever suffered with amnesia before? Albert I can't remember. Gerrard I see! But you can remember the war! After all, you have all your ribbons there to remind you. Where were you based Mr Trotter? Albert I was overseas sir. Gerrard Really, how odd! I looked into your naval record and it seems that you spent the best part of the war stationed in a storage depot on the Isle of Wight! Hardly overseas! Albert You wanna try walking it pal! Gerrard I also noticed Mr Trotter that in May, 1944, you were one of several naval ratings, seconded to a Marine parachute unit, specially formed for missions behind enemy lines. I believe you were involved in laundry matters! But whilst with this unit you underwent basic parachute training. Would you tell the court what this training consisted of? Albert Em...jumping of of things! Gerrard 'Jumping off of things!' In other words, learning to fall without injuring oneself! Albert My memory ain't what it used to be your worship. Gerrard I sympathise Mr Trotter and intend to help you as much as I can. Tell me, could you possibly be the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1946, fell down the cellar of the Victory Inn, Portsmouth, and received one hundred pounds compensation? Albert I can't remember that far back sir. Gerrard Well, let's try a more recent case then. Could you be the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1951, fell down the cellar of the Coach and Horses, Peckham Rye, and received a two hundred and twenty five pound out of court settlement? Albert Me mind's a blank! Gerrard Maybe you were the same Albert Gladstone Trotter who, in 1949, fell down the cellar of the Crossed Keys off-licence, Gravesend? How about the Thatched Inn, Canning Town, or does the Brunswick Club, New Cross, ring a bell? Rodney I don't believe it! Del It's a bloody nightmare Rodney, it's a bloody nightmare! He's been down more holes than Tony Jacklin. DAY. THE COURTHOUSE. Del exits through the main doors followed by Rodney. Del draws on a cigar in an agitated manner, trying to control his temper. Rodney sighs heavily. Del I don't believe it! I do not believe what that garrity old git has done to us! I mean, the only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutta! What is it the insurance companies nicknamed him? Rodney The ferret! Del The ferret! Rodney He's had 15 previous lawsuits for falling down holes! Del Those are the known cases Rodney! I mean, how many times has the landlord settled out of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro? The sound of a squeaking wheelchair is heard. Del and Rodney both stretch themselves to their full heights at this sound. A sheepish Albert is sitting behind them, frightened of their response. Del Alright, come on, how many pubs, off-licences and drinking clubs have you done in your time? Albert Well, quite a few Del! The first cellar I fell down was genuine - honest! But 'cos I'd learnt to fall properly I didn't hurt myself - but I still got compensation out of it and I thought 'This is handy!' So, whenever me and yer Grandad was hard up for a few bob well I'd go'n fall down a hole! I was only tryin' to help. Rodney Only tryin' to help? I was nearly done for contempt of court. (Indicating Del) His name's been sent to the director of public prosecution and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get defrocked! And you were only tryin' to help!! Albert I said I'm sorry Rodney! I didn't wanna do it! I mean, I'm past all that stunt-man lark! But you two have been good to me these past few weeks. And I wanted to get some money to - well - repay you. And I wanted to get yer Grandad his headstone. Del You did it for Grandad's head- stone? Albert He was my older brother Del. When I was a kid he used to look after me. I never did any- thing for him - never had the chance to - until now! Sorry boys! Del Yeah, yeah, alright don't worry about it Uncle Albert. Come on Rodney, let's get Ironside home! With Del pushing the wheelchair and Rodney strolling along beside, they move up the road. There is a pause. Albert It's turned out nice innit boys? Rodney Triffic! Del I'd better knock out some of that sun tan lotion, eh? They continue moving away. There is another short pause before Del stops. Del 'Ere just a - just a minute why am I pushing you? You can walk you lazy old sod! Albert Oh yeah, I forgot! Rodney Oh had another little bout of amnesia, eh Del! Del Now don't you start all that blackout nonsense with me Uncle 'cos it won't wash!

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