Only Fools And Horses

Strained Relations

In the small road that runs through the cemetery there is a parked cavalcade. The funeral director and a couple of assistants are lounging around, smoking and talking quietly. Laying against the wall of the chapel are 15 or so wreaths. There is one very large, very gaudy wreath. The wreath floral message reads simply: 'Grandad.' On a card pinned to the wreath is the handwritten message: 'Always in our foughts, love Del-Boy and Rodney.' In the distance a group of mourners are standing around a graveside. The group of Del, Rodney, Trigger, Boycie, Mike, the vicar, two old ladies, cousin Stan, represent- ing the North London branch of the family, his wife Jean and Uncle Albert, who is in his mid-sixties and is Grandad's brother. The words of the ceremony cannot be heard clearly, the vicar's voice is just an indiscern- ible drone. The ceremony ends and the mourners begin to move away from the graveside, forming small groups as they do so. Del turns and moves away alone. He is wearing a black three-piece suit, a black silk tie, which is held in position by a large diamond tie-pin, plus the compulsory 'Big D' and the medallion. He wipes his nose on a hankie, takes a deep breath and regains his 'take it on the chin, never let 'em see you're hurt' composure. Trigger approaches. Del Alright Trigger? Trigger Yeah, I'm alright...em...well ...em... Del Yes, it's alright, I know Trigger, I know mate. You going back to the flat are you? Trigger Yeah I'm coming back. Del (Hands Trigger some keys) Yeah, do us a favour will yer, go on open up, I've got one or two things - bung the vicar a couple of quid, that sort of thing. Them three over there, they're the North London branch of the family. Make 'em welcome will you, keep your eye on 'em. Trigger Yeah, sure. Del Thanks, cheers Trigger. Trigger exits. As Del is about to move off he notices that Rodney is standing alone at the graveside. We sense Del's frust- ration, he wants to explain to Rodney, to conjure up some words that might ease his pain and sense of loss. He is about to move back to Rodney when he changes his mind and decides to leave Rodney alone with his thoughts. Old Lady I love a nice funeral. Del Why don't you hang about, there's two more after this! Del hands the vicar a few pound notes. Del doesn't want to talk to the vicar, he just hands him the money and moves off. The vicar nods his gratitude. Grandad's hat is hanging on the daimler symbol on one of the cars. Del smiles at it lovingly, he picks it up and caresses it. He moves back towards the grave. Rodney is still at the graveside, staring blankly into the grave. He becomes aware two gravediggers are waiting to fill in the hole. Rodney Sorry! Del appears at Rodney's side with the hat. They share a nostalgic and emotional smile over the hat. Del gives the hat to Rodney, he gestures that it is Rodney's privilege to drop the hat into the grave. Rodney drops the hat gently into the hole. Del squeezes Rodney's shoulder. Del We'll leave the car shall we, eh? Rodney We'll have a nice little walk, eh? Del Yeah, come on...let's have a nice walk eh... As they are about to move away Del shoots a threatening finger at one of the gravediggers who is about to hurl a spadeful of earth into the grave. Del Oi, gently!!! Mike is standing near the cars. Boycie approaches him. Boycie Well Michael. How's business in the pub? Mike Not bad Boycie. Not bad. Oh, you didn't hear did you? Thursday night some berk nicked me cigarette machine! Boycie Never! What about that sonic burglar alarm Del Boy sold you? Mike Oh yeah, they nicked that an' all. The vicar and the undertaker look in Boycie’s direction as both he and Mike are laughing. Boycie looks embarras- sed at his lack of respect. Nearby Stan, Jean and Albert are standing next to a car. Jean Just make some excuse Stan. Say we're in a hurry or some- thing! Stan But it's a funeral love! Jean We've gotta get all the way back to North London. If we don't leave now we'll cop the rush hour! Stan Look, I don't wanna go back to their flat either Jean, but I'm family! Albert I wanna go back there - he was my brother! Jean It's nothing to do with you Uncle Albert so stay out of it! Stan What do you mean he was your brother!? You and him didn't talk to each other for years! Albert Me and your Aunt Ada didn't talk to each other for years but she was still me wife! Stan Come on, we'll go back for 'alf hour, show our respect. Anyway, we'll only have him whining all the way home! And don't you dare light that pipe in my car! Albert puts his pipe in his pocket. We see the vicar buttoning up his overcoat. One of the ladies approaches. Old Lady It was a lovely service vicar. Vicar Thank you very much. Thank you. (Looking to car bonnet) Has anyone seen my hat? It was here. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. Boycie, Trigger and Mike are standing together drinking, telling jokes and generally having a laugh. A disgusted Rodney is observing all this from a distance. Stan and Jean are standing together sipping their drinks, felling rather out of place and waiting for an opportunity to leave. Uncle Albert is seated next to them, drinking rum. Del enters from the kitchen carrying a tray of sandwiches. Del Right, 'ere you go. Here you are look, come on, come on! Get stuck in there will you. Rodney (To Del) Where's the cake and candles Del? Del Eh? Rodney Don't matter! Mike So the Chinese bird says to him, 'Listen I ain't cooking at this time of night.' Del, Boycie and Mike laugh. Trigger's not so sure. Trigger Is that true? Boycie Have a day off Trigger! Trigger moves off towards Rodney. Rodney Well everyone seems to be en- joying themselves, eh Trigger? Trigger Yeah, it's a good do Dave! Rodney Yeah, I don't believe you mob sometimes. Rodney searches his pockets for some cigarettes. Rodney (cont'd) Have you got any fags on you Trigger? Trigger produces an array of different packets of cigarettes. Trigger Yeah, what sort d'you fancy? Rodney Anything'll do! Trigger (Handing him a pack) Here you are, keep 'em, I've got loads! Rodney Cheers! Trigger Cheers Dave. Trigger moves off. Albert arrives to get himself a drink. Albert Rodney, innit? Rodney Well, it is when Trigger ain't about, yeah. Albert Uncle Albert - well great Uncle Albert really! I'm yer Gran- dad's brother. Rodney Yeah, yeah, he told me about you. But, you know, I don't take no notice of that sort of thing! Albert No, no, it's best not to son! Shame really, me and him lost touch with each other years ago. I spent most of my life at sea, you know, Royal Navy, Merchant. D'you know, I was torpedoed five times! Rodney Yeah? Albert Yeah! D'you know what the crews nicknamed me? Rodney Jonah? Albert No! No, they didn't call me Jonah - not many of them! They used to call me Boomerang Trotter, 'cos I always come back! Rodney Triffic! Del approaches Rodney. Del 'Ere Rodney, do me a favour will you. You know them batteries out there in the hall. Stick 'em out in the corridor in case someone falls over 'em. Rodney (Angrily) Yeah, right! Mike 'Ere, Del, come here, come here son, listen to this one. Del is frustrated. He wants to follow and explain to Rodney, but again senses that there are no words that can do this. He returns to the others. Albert has heard all this and looks to the hall with genuine concern for Rodney. Stan and Jean arrive at the drinks cabinet. Del What is it, what? Go on. Stan (To Albert) Well, we'll have one more drink and get on our way, alright? Jean I don't like the people over this side of the river! They're not as nice as North Londoners! Albert You don't know what you're talking about girl! I was born round here! Jean Need I say more? Albert You couldn't wish to meet a more honest and generous people as South Londoners. Jean Honest and generous! I noticed they didn't have a whip round at the cemetery! Albert Well they couldn't could they! Someone nicked the vicar's hat! Stan you...remember us, cousin Stan. Del Stan yes, of course I remember you...Yeah I was gonna come over and have a chat with you. Stan This is my wife, Jean. Del Jean, yeah, hello Jean. How are you? Stan Uncle Albert. Del Oh Uncle Albert, is it? Hello. Albert Your mum asked me to be your Godfather. Del Yeah? I thought Uncle George was my Godfather? Albert Yeah, that's right. Me and George spun a coin. Stan George lost! Del So what you been up to these days Stan? Are you still poncing round in the insurance game, are you! Stan I'm still in the insurance business, yeah, and doing very nicely thank you! Jean We've got our own place all paid! Del Oh really what you got, a maisonette? Stan No - it's a mobile home actually! Del Oh, you've a caravan? Jean It's got two separate bedrooms, a breakfast bar and a combined toilet and shower-room! Del It's a big caravan? Jean Well this is just a council flat isn't it? Albert Yeah, but there's no chance of this getting a puncture is there! Stan He's been living with us for 18 months now! He only popped round to borrow a screwdriver! Jean If I hear another nautical yarn I'll swing for him! Stan Someone suggested an old folks' home! Del You can't do that, he's family! Stan Oh we didn't consider it. Did we love? Jean No, of course not! Well not at them prices anyway! CORRIDOR/ HALL. DAY. Albert is seated. Rodney enters from the hall with a battery. Albert Are you alright son? Rodney Yeah. Albert You ever been on board a ship Rodney? Rodney Yeah, yeah, when I was a kid. Grandad took me. Albert I see. Did he ever take you down and show you the engine room? Rodney No, no, it was only the Woolwich ferry! He got sea- sick. We had to go home via the Rotherhithe tunnel. Albert I used to work in the engine room - maintenance, that sort of thing. Cor, them boilers took some looking after and all! D'you know what the most important gadget is in the engine room? Rodney The lock on the porthole? Albert No - they don't have port... (Forgets it) It's the safety valve on the boiler! You get a build-up of pressure and the safety valves ain't working - bang - the whole gubbins explodes! You've gotta find a way of releasing the pressure, that's what's happening to Del! He's releasing the pressure - laughter's just his safety valve! Rodney I don't think it's right! Them people laughing in there! I ain't laughing...I ain't today, I ain't laughing tomorrow, I don't wanna laugh for the rest of my life. Albert Well, as long as you're happy son. THE LOUNGE. DAY. Del is alone at the drinks cabinet. He is deep in thought, remembering the past and the events that led to this day. It is a snatched moment of quick contemplation. Mike I'm away now, boys. So I'll see you later. Voice In your trousers, Michael. Mike I'm off now, Del alright son. Del Yeah. 'Ere, thanks for coming Mike. (Checking watch) 'Ere, you're doin' a bit of a flyer ain't you? Mike Well, as a sign of respect for yer Grandad I've decided to open the pub early. Del Oh that's very nice of you Mike, appreciate the gesture! Thanks. Mike Oh about the booze. It comes to 86 quid. Del Please Mike, don't discuss money now, I mean you'll be offering me a discount for cash next won't you! THE CORRIDOR. DAY. Albert is spinning Rodney one of his naval yarns. Albert I saw the periscope half mile off starboard. I saw the wash through the torpedo’s fins. It caught us at the pointed end. Wallop! Up it went. Foam, flame, fine smoke, burning metal! As soon as it happened I thought to myself, 'Hello, we've been hit.' Rodney I s'pose you get to know the little signs, eh? Albert Yes! The flat door opens and Mike and Del exit. Del Yeah, okay Mike, 'ere listen, don't worry about that burglar alarm that got nicked. 'Cos Trigger knows where he can get hold of another one. Alright, so I'll whip it round to you okay. Mike Okay, cheers Del. (To Rodney) See you Rodney. Rodney Yeah, bye. Mike exits. Del Thanks Mike, yeah. Albert Del, I've just been telling young Rodney about my days in the navy. (To Rodney) I don't know why you don't join up? Rodney Yeah, well you've just given me five good reasons! THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT. The same day. The guests have all gone. Rodney sits alone at the table, he remains motionless, deep in thought for a few seconds. Unconsciously, he looks in the direction of the TVs and the armchair. He quickly looks away again. Del enters carrying a tray of food. Del, in a vain attempt to cheer Rodney up a little bit, is being falsely buoyant. Del Here we are. Here we go Rodney, look specialty of the house. Sausage unt ala the old mash! There you go. Rodney I ain't really all that hungry Del. Del Oh come on Rodders! I've been an hour out there in that kitchen cooking this! Go on, try it at least. Rodney I can't eat that Del... Del What's wrong with it? Rodney Well, it's nothing like Grandad's is it? It tastes nice. Del I tried to mess it up, honestly I did, Rodney! Do you know, I just didn't have his knack! He was taught to cook at one of London's biggest establishments. Rodney You're kidding. Del No, straight up, he was a trainee chef at the Ear, Nose and Throat Hospital! Now, come on then. Del picks up a quarter full bottle of scotch. Del (cont'd) Come on, let's give this an 'iding? Shall we? Rodney Yeah, why not? Del Well it's just - it's just us two now bruv! Me and you against the rest! They don't stand a bloody chance do they, eh? Rodney Del, someone's trying to pull our lavatory chain! Del Yeah, I know - I know it's an awkward one innit? The secret is one slow pull and then a sharp one! Like that. There you go. There it is see. Rodney What I'm saying is, right, we're the only ones in the flat and someone's trying to flush our lav!! Del No, yeah, well maybe it's a washer! Or something! Rodney How can a bloody washer flush the chain??? Del I don't know do I! I am not a scientist or something? Am I? No, it's alright, it's probab- ly, you know quite simple. You know nothing. Nothing at all really. Where's my bloody hammer? Rodney Del! Del turns and sees the door opening. He raises the weapon above his head. Albert, in a hung-over condition, enters. Albert Oh my bloody head! Del Gordon Bennett!! You nearly had your head caved in then! You soppy old sod! Albert I had too much of that cognac! Where is everyone? Rodney Well, they've all gone home! It's 'alf past 11 at night. Del Where the hell have you been? Albert I conked out in one of them beds, my belly's going round and round. Oh my Gawd! 'Alf past 11. D'you think Stan and Jean'll be worried about me? Del Worried about you? Yeah, well of course they'll be worried about you! Look, we can't drive you back there tonight now, no, me and Rodney have had enough to drink! Rodney What about a min-cab then? Del No, you won't get one now Rodney, they'll be busy washing out their back seats! I reckon you've got to stay the night and I'll drive you back to North London tomorrow. Rodney, you go and lock up, oi, make sure you bring them batteries in 'fore someone swipes 'em. Rodney No one's gonna nick them Del! Del Really, how d'you think we got 'em? Albert I appreciate this son. Del Oh forget it, I'll get you a pillow and some blankets, and you can make yourself a bed there on the chaise longue, alright? Albert 'Ere, I won't be able to sleep on there Del! I need a good firm mattress, I've got a curvature of the spine see! Del Really? It's all them years sleeping in a hammock I suppose is it! Albert Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised! (Indicating Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh? Del No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room! Albert Yeah but - I'm his brother! Del Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! That room is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my Grand- father. Albert I understand Del! Del No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I. Rodney enters from the hall carrying the batteries. Rodney Oi, where'd you want these then? Del Oh, sling 'em in Grandad's room for now will you Rodney. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. There is a heap on the settee, it turns and yawn and reveals itself as Rodney. Rodney Alright? D'you get Albert home safely? Del Yes, I got him home safely al- right Rodney! Albert, carrying a canvas navy hold-all, enters behind Del. Albert Morning son! Rodney Morning. You're back? Albert Boomerang Trotter always comes back! Rodney What happened? Del What happened? I'll tell you what happened, I drove him all the way back to North London. Right through the bleedin' rush hour! And what did we find when we got there? Stan and Jean have moved! Rodney Moved? What do you mean moved? Del What do I mean? They hooked the caravan on the back of the Cortina and they've had it away! Albert (Referring to hold-all) This was lying where the caravan once stood! It's just my clothes and a few personal belongings. Rodney You mean that's all you've got in the world? Del No, we've gotta go back tomorrow to pick up his parrot! How could they do this to me? Rodney That is disgusting innit? I mean, deserting him like that! Albert Yeah! It ain't the first time it's happened either! Rodney I mean, I, something, there should be a law or something against that! Del Yeah, I know. All I wanna know is where they've got...'Ere. What did you say just then? Albert I said it ain't the first time it's happened either!! D'you remember yer cousin Audrey? I went and stayed with her and her husband Kevin for a year. One day they sent me down to Sainsbury's with a shopping list. When I come back they'd emigrated! Not a dicky bird to me though! Then there was young Gillian, you know, Patsy's girl. I went over there to give her a bit of comfort 'cos her husband was on nights. Six months later she sets fire to the house. She got three months medical super- vision for that! I can remember thinking as I stood on the ledge and jumped into the fireman's net 'That's gratitude for you.' Rodney I ain't 'arf got a funny feeling Del! Del So have I Rodney! I feel like a turkey who's just caught Bernard Mathews grinning at him! Albert takes a couple of items of clothing from his hold -all. Albert What shall I do with these then? Del stuffs them straight back into the hold-all. Del I tell you what you ought to do with these shall I, put 'em in here right. In they go, in there, 'cos you're not staying here. Albert No, of course not! Just for a couple of days that's all! Del No, no, no, not for a couple of days, not for one day! There's a seaman's mission down there at St Katherine's. You go down here, go on. Albert Well, I thought I'd just have a look at the local paper, and find meself some digs. Del Yeah, that's a good idea Uncle. They'll have a local paper down at the mission! Now, go on sling your hook. Albert Yeah - alright Del! Don't mind if I have a quick cup of tea do you? Del No, go on there's a flask of cold tea out there and some vol-au-vents from yesterday. Go on, you can have them. Albert Cheers son! Uncle Albert exits to kitchen. Rodney has been watching in disbelief. He now smiles thinking that Del is joking. Rodney What are you doing, winding him up? Del Yeah, yeah, I'm winding him up aren't I. I'm winding him up! Rodney Del, he only wants to stay for a couple of nights, and get himself sorted out! Del He's a Trotter Rodney. Rodney We're Trotters! Del Yes I know, but we take after Mum in nature. He's from Dad's side of the family! You know what they're like. You offer 'em a cup of tea and they think you've adopted 'em. Look at that time when Dad came round here he wanted to stay 'one' night! Took us nigh on a fortnight to get rid of him! Rodney Uncle Albert might not be like that! Del Oh leave it out Rodney! You've heard him yourself when he was telling us about that time he came round the Cape of Good Hope, he was three months on the same wave! Rodney I don't believe you Del, I do not believe that you of all people, could! Rodney storms towards the door. Del Where do you think you're going? Rodney I'm going down the caff, I'm gonna get some grub and some better company! Rodney exits to the hall. Del flops down in the armchair. The hall door opens and Rodney re-enters. Rodney (cont'd) I'm gonna put some clothes on first! Rodney exits to bedroom. Del touches the arms of Grandad's armchair affectionately. He leans forward and switches the colour TV on. Rodney enters. Rodney You've changed Del! Del Yeah, well it's about time you did, come on, we've got to go down the market later on. Rodney I mean your personality has changed! I've seen a side of you I never knew existed! Del You don't understand Rodney! Rodney You're right about that Del! I mean, look at you last night, you was laughing you was drinking, I mean, why didn't you just put yer Money M record on Del, we could have had a good old knees up! It was Grandad's...How could you get over it so easily? Del Get over it? What a plonker you really are Rodney. Get over it. I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started bruv! And d'you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! 'Ere you are pal, hat you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!' That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to...Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with 'em! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, and then they break yer bloody heart! Rodney (Whispers) I'm sorry. Rodney exits to bedroom. Del remains in the chair staring at the TV, refusing to cry. Now, like an act of defiance, he switches the black and white TV on as well. He sits back in the chair, grips his bottom lip firmly with his teeth and stares at the two TVs. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. Del and Rodney, now suited up, enter. Rodney sits at the table, Del goes to the bar. This is the old Del, bouncy and full of the old Bel Esprit. Maureen is behind the bar. Del Alright there, alright. Hello darling. Rodney I'll be over there. Del Okay, alright. Alright pal, what you drinking? Give him one. I'll have a Malibu and tonic with some lime and 'alf of lager, please darling. Maureen In the same glass? Del No, in separate ones if you don't mind! Maureen Well I don't know do I, it might have been one of your erotic cocktails, Del. Del Saucy little cow that one, ain’t she, eh? Mike Alright Del? Del Yeah, brill! Triffic. How's things? Mike Oh you know, quiet. Here, you know that old boy that was at the funeral, him with the beard? Del Yeah. Mike He was in here lunchtime. Del Oh yeah? Mike What is he? A relative or something? Del Nah - well yeah, I mean, he's a distant relative, yeah. Mike We was telling me all about his wartime dramas. Torpedoed five time, dive-bombed twice. He's a bit of a jinx ain't he? Del Yeah. You know what his last job was don't you? He was entertainments officer on the Belgrano. Straight up. Cheers darling. Maureen One pound eighty please. Del Alright, there you go. Go on. Have one for luck. Maureen Oh cheers! Mike Oh that reminds me Del, about all that booze yesterday? Del Yeah, what about it! Went down a treat didn't it? See you later Mike. Cheers. Rodney I wonder where he is? Del Eh, who? Rodney Uncle Albert! Del Oh him, oh, well he's down the seaman's by now ain't he, eh, got himself a lovely bed, blinding little locker - yeah, he's as happy as a pig in sugar! He is yeah. Rodney Yeah I suppose so but...makes you think don't it? A man fights for his country like that, you know, laying his life on the line. D'you know he went down with five different ships! Del Yeah! I know, I don't know why he just didn't join the submarine corps in the first place. Albert enters, still carrying his hold-all. He sees Del and Rodney and smiles and nods in their direction. Albert starts coughing, obviously to gain sympathy. Rodney He's got a nasty cough! Ain't he? Del Yeah, pity Boots ain't open innit! Rodney moves to the counter. Rodney You alright Unc? Albert Yeah, fine son, ta. Rodney Yeah good. Did you go down the mission then? Albert Yeah I went down there, but it ain't there no more! They knocked it down, built some luxury flats and a marina! Rodney takes a couple of pounds from his pockets. Rodney Look, I ain't got very much... I've got what... Albert Put yer money away Rodney, I don't want it! Thanks for the offer though. Go 'n, you get back to Del. Don't you worry about me. Alright? Don't worry! Rodney is about to move off when Albert starts coughing again. Albert (cont'd) It's alright Rodney, nothing to worry about! It's just me lungs. We hit a mine coming back from Normandy. I was trapped for 12 hours in a smoke-filled engine room. Rodney Well, if it's not one thing it's the other, eh? Rodney moves back to speak to Del. Rodney (To Del) He ain't got nowhere to sleep tonight! He went down the mission, it's not there any more - there's just a marina. Del Well can't he kip in the back of that? Rodney A yachting marina! Come on Del - that's Grandad's brother sitting over there. Where do you want him to sleep, eh? A dosshouse? Del Listen Rodney, that bloke has been in shark-infested seas, right, he's been attacked by kamikaze pilots, and blown up more times than a beach-ball! One night in a dosshouse ain't gonna do him any harm, is it? Rodney You don't believe all them stories do you? Del What? Do you reckon they're porkies? Rodney Well of course they are! I didn't wanna say nothing 'cos, you know, he's a proud man! Del What proud? Him? He comes from Dad's side of the family doesn't he? Rodney No, I just offered him a couple of quid and he wouldn't take a penny! Del No, well, he wouldn't would he, he's still got the hundred quid I gave him this afternoon! Rodney You gave him a hundred quid? Del Yeah! You don't think I'd let him go potless do yer? Rodney Is that why you can't pay Mike for the booze? Del (Refuses to answer. He stands) Oh come on, come on. They both move across to Albert. Del Alright? Albert Yeah, alright son. Just having a drop of rum, warm the old cockles. Del You eaten? Albert Na, not yet. Del Then why didn't you have some- thing to eat when you was in here at lunchtime? Albert Well, all they had left was sausage and mash and I've gone right off that! Del You fancy an Indian? Albert Wouldn't mind son! Rodney We'd never get a table this time of night, Del. Del No. We'll have to get a take- away, and eat it at home! Rodney Yes, that's what we'll do, we'll get a take-away and eat it at home...Eh? Albert It it's alright with you two Del. Thanks. Del Don't know what you're thank- ing me for, you're paying! Come on Sinbad, let's get down there before the health inspector! Del moves off towards the main doors followed by Rodney who carries Albert's hold-all. Albert downs the last of his rum and is about to leave when Mike calls him. Mike Oh, I'm glad I caught you. I've just phoned the mission and they said they've got a bed for you. Albert Ssshh! Albert follows Rodney and Del out.

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