In the small road that runs through the cemetery there
is a parked cavalcade. The funeral director and a couple
of assistants are lounging around, smoking and talking
quietly. Laying against the wall of the chapel are 15 or
so wreaths. There is one very large, very gaudy wreath.
The wreath floral message reads simply: 'Grandad.' On a
card pinned to the wreath is the handwritten message:
'Always in our foughts, love Del-Boy and Rodney.' In the
distance a group of mourners are standing around a
graveside. The group of Del, Rodney, Trigger, Boycie,
Mike, the vicar, two old ladies, cousin Stan, represent-
ing the North London branch of the family, his wife Jean
and Uncle Albert, who is in his mid-sixties and is
Grandad's brother. The words of the ceremony cannot be
heard clearly, the vicar's voice is just an indiscern-
ible drone. The ceremony ends and the mourners begin to
move away from the graveside, forming small groups as
they do so.
Del turns and moves away alone. He is wearing a black
three-piece suit, a black silk tie, which is held in
position by a large diamond tie-pin, plus the compulsory
'Big D' and the medallion. He wipes his nose on a
hankie, takes a deep breath and regains his 'take it
on the chin, never let 'em see you're hurt' composure.
Trigger approaches.
Del
Alright Trigger?
Trigger
Yeah, I'm alright...em...well
...em...
Del
Yes, it's alright, I know
Trigger, I know mate. You
going back to the flat are you?
Trigger
Yeah I'm coming back.
Del
(Hands Trigger
some keys)
Yeah, do us a favour will yer,
go on open up, I've got one or
two things - bung the vicar a
couple of quid, that sort of
thing. Them three over there,
they're the North London
branch of the family. Make
'em welcome will you, keep
your eye on 'em.
Trigger
Yeah, sure.
Del
Thanks, cheers Trigger.
Trigger exits.
As Del is about to move off he notices that Rodney is
standing alone at the graveside. We sense Del's frust-
ration, he wants to explain to Rodney, to conjure up
some words that might ease his pain and sense of loss.
He is about to move back to Rodney when he changes his
mind and decides to leave Rodney alone with his
thoughts.
Old Lady
I love a nice funeral.
Del
Why don't you hang about,
there's two more after this!
Del hands the vicar a few pound notes. Del doesn't want
to talk to the vicar, he just hands him the money and
moves off. The vicar nods his gratitude. Grandad's hat
is hanging on the daimler symbol on one of the cars.
Del smiles at it lovingly, he picks it up and caresses
it. He moves back towards the grave. Rodney is still at
the graveside, staring blankly into the grave. He
becomes aware two gravediggers are waiting to fill in
the hole.
Rodney
Sorry!
Del appears at Rodney's side with the hat. They share a
nostalgic and emotional smile over the hat. Del gives
the hat to Rodney, he gestures that it is Rodney's
privilege to drop the hat into the grave. Rodney drops
the hat gently into the hole. Del squeezes Rodney's
shoulder.
Del
We'll leave the car shall we,
eh?
Rodney
We'll have a nice little walk,
eh?
Del
Yeah, come on...let's have a
nice walk eh...
As they are about to move away Del shoots a threatening
finger at one of the gravediggers who is about to hurl
a spadeful of earth into the grave.
Del
Oi, gently!!!
Mike is standing near the cars. Boycie approaches him.
Boycie
Well Michael. How's business
in the pub?
Mike
Not bad Boycie. Not bad. Oh,
you didn't hear did you?
Thursday night some berk
nicked me cigarette machine!
Boycie
Never! What about that sonic
burglar alarm Del Boy sold
you?
Mike
Oh yeah, they nicked that an'
all.
The vicar and the undertaker look in Boycie’s direction
as both he and Mike are laughing. Boycie looks embarras-
sed at his lack of respect. Nearby Stan, Jean and Albert
are standing next to a car.
Jean
Just make some excuse Stan.
Say we're in a hurry or some-
thing!
Stan
But it's a funeral love!
Jean
We've gotta get all the way
back to North London. If we
don't leave now we'll cop the
rush hour!
Stan
Look, I don't wanna go back
to their flat either Jean,
but I'm family!
Albert
I wanna go back there - he
was my brother!
Jean
It's nothing to do with you
Uncle Albert so stay out of
it!
Stan
What do you mean he was your
brother!? You and him didn't
talk to each other for years!
Albert
Me and your Aunt Ada didn't
talk to each other for years
but she was still me wife!
Stan
Come on, we'll go back for
'alf hour, show our respect.
Anyway, we'll only have him
whining all the way home! And
don't you dare light that
pipe in my car!
Albert puts his pipe in his pocket. We see the vicar
buttoning up his overcoat. One of the ladies approaches.
Old Lady
It was a lovely service vicar.
Vicar
Thank you very much. Thank you.
(Looking to
car bonnet)
Has anyone seen my hat? It was
here.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
Boycie, Trigger and Mike are standing together drinking,
telling jokes and generally having a laugh. A disgusted
Rodney is observing all this from a distance. Stan and
Jean are standing together sipping their drinks, felling
rather out of place and waiting for an opportunity to
leave. Uncle Albert is seated next to them, drinking
rum. Del enters from the kitchen carrying a tray of
sandwiches.
Del
Right, 'ere you go. Here you
are look, come on, come on!
Get stuck in there will you.
Rodney
(To Del)
Where's the cake and candles
Del?
Del
Eh?
Rodney
Don't matter!
Mike
So the Chinese bird says to
him, 'Listen I ain't cooking
at this time of night.'
Del, Boycie and Mike laugh. Trigger's not so sure.
Trigger
Is that true?
Boycie
Have a day off Trigger!
Trigger moves off towards Rodney.
Rodney
Well everyone seems to be en-
joying themselves, eh Trigger?
Trigger
Yeah, it's a good do Dave!
Rodney
Yeah, I don't believe you mob
sometimes.
Rodney searches his pockets for some cigarettes.
Rodney (cont'd)
Have you got any fags on you
Trigger?
Trigger produces an array of different packets of cigarettes.
Trigger
Yeah, what sort d'you fancy?
Rodney
Anything'll do!
Trigger
(Handing him
a pack)
Here you are, keep 'em, I've
got loads!
Rodney
Cheers!
Trigger
Cheers Dave.
Trigger moves off. Albert arrives to get himself a drink.
Albert
Rodney, innit?
Rodney
Well, it is when Trigger ain't
about, yeah.
Albert
Uncle Albert - well great Uncle
Albert really! I'm yer Gran-
dad's brother.
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, he told me about
you. But, you know, I don't
take no notice of that sort
of thing!
Albert
No, no, it's best not to son!
Shame really, me and him lost
touch with each other years
ago. I spent most of my life
at sea, you know, Royal Navy,
Merchant. D'you know, I was
torpedoed five times!
Rodney
Yeah?
Albert
Yeah! D'you know what the
crews nicknamed me?
Rodney
Jonah?
Albert
No! No, they didn't call me
Jonah - not many of them! They
used to call me Boomerang
Trotter, 'cos I always come
back!
Rodney
Triffic!
Del approaches Rodney.
Del
'Ere Rodney, do me a favour
will you. You know them
batteries out there in the
hall. Stick 'em out in the
corridor in case someone falls
over 'em.
Rodney
(Angrily)
Yeah, right!
Mike
'Ere, Del, come here, come
here son, listen to this one.
Del is frustrated. He wants to follow and explain to
Rodney, but again senses that there are no words that
can do this. He returns to the others. Albert has heard
all this and looks to the hall with genuine concern for
Rodney. Stan and Jean arrive at the drinks cabinet.
Del
What is it, what? Go on.
Stan
(To Albert)
Well, we'll have one more
drink and get on our way,
alright?
Jean
I don't like the people over
this side of the river!
They're not as nice as North
Londoners!
Albert
You don't know what you're
talking about girl! I was born
round here!
Jean
Need I say more?
Albert
You couldn't wish to meet a
more honest and generous
people as South Londoners.
Jean
Honest and generous! I noticed
they didn't have a whip round
at the cemetery!
Albert
Well they couldn't could they!
Someone nicked the vicar's
hat!
Stan
Del...Del...do you...remember
us, cousin Stan.
Del
Stan yes, of course I remember
you...Yeah I was gonna come
over and have a chat with you.
Stan
This is my wife, Jean.
Del
Jean, yeah, hello Jean. How
are you?
Stan
Uncle Albert.
Del
Oh Uncle Albert, is it? Hello.
Albert
Your mum asked me to be your
Godfather.
Del
Yeah? I thought Uncle George
was my Godfather?
Albert
Yeah, that's right. Me and
George spun a coin.
Stan
George lost!
Del
So what you been up to these
days Stan? Are you still
poncing round in the insurance
game, are you!
Stan
I'm still in the insurance
business, yeah, and doing very
nicely thank you!
Jean
We've got our own place all
paid!
Del
Oh really what you got, a
maisonette?
Stan
No - it's a mobile home
actually!
Del
Oh, you've a caravan?
Jean
It's got two separate bedrooms,
a breakfast bar and a combined
toilet and shower-room!
Del
It's a big caravan?
Jean
Well this is just a council
flat isn't it?
Albert
Yeah, but there's no chance of
this getting a puncture is
there!
Stan
He's been living with us for
18 months now! He only popped
round to borrow a screwdriver!
Jean
If I hear another nautical
yarn I'll swing for him!
Stan
Someone suggested an old folks'
home!
Del
You can't do that, he's family!
Stan
Oh we didn't consider it. Did
we love?
Jean
No, of course not! Well not at
them prices anyway!
CORRIDOR/ HALL. DAY.
Albert is seated. Rodney enters from the hall with a battery.
Albert
Are you alright son?
Rodney
Yeah.
Albert
You ever been on board a ship
Rodney?
Rodney
Yeah, yeah, when I was a kid.
Grandad took me.
Albert
I see. Did he ever take you
down and show you the engine
room?
Rodney
No, no, it was only the
Woolwich ferry! He got sea-
sick. We had to go home via
the Rotherhithe tunnel.
Albert
I used to work in the engine
room - maintenance, that sort
of thing. Cor, them boilers
took some looking after and
all! D'you know what the most
important gadget is in the
engine room?
Rodney
The lock on the porthole?
Albert
No - they don't have port...
(Forgets it)
It's the safety valve on the
boiler! You get a build-up of
pressure and the safety valves
ain't working - bang - the
whole gubbins explodes! You've
gotta find a way of releasing
the pressure, that's what's
happening to Del! He's
releasing the pressure -
laughter's just his safety
valve!
Rodney
I don't think it's right! Them
people laughing in there! I
ain't laughing...I ain't today,
I ain't laughing tomorrow, I
don't wanna laugh for the rest
of my life.
Albert
Well, as long as you're happy
son.
THE LOUNGE. DAY.
Del is alone at the drinks cabinet. He is deep in thought,
remembering the past and the events that led to this day.
It is a snatched moment of quick contemplation.
Mike
I'm away now, boys. So I'll
see you later.
Voice
In your trousers, Michael.
Mike
I'm off now, Del alright son.
Del
Yeah. 'Ere, thanks for coming
Mike.
(Checking watch)
'Ere, you're doin' a bit of a
flyer ain't you?
Mike
Well, as a sign of respect for
yer Grandad I've decided to
open the pub early.
Del
Oh that's very nice of you
Mike, appreciate the gesture!
Thanks.
Mike
Oh about the booze. It comes
to 86 quid.
Del
Please Mike, don't discuss
money now, I mean you'll be
offering me a discount for
cash next won't you!
THE CORRIDOR. DAY.
Albert is spinning Rodney one of his naval yarns.
Albert
I saw the periscope half mile
off starboard. I saw the wash
through the torpedo’s fins.
It caught us at the...at the
pointed end. Wallop! Up it
went. Foam, flame, fine smoke,
burning metal! As soon as it
happened I thought to myself,
'Hello, we've been hit.'
Rodney
I s'pose you get to know the
little signs, eh?
Albert
Yes!
The flat door opens and Mike and Del exit.
Del
Yeah, okay Mike, 'ere listen,
don't worry about that burglar
alarm that got nicked. 'Cos
Trigger knows where he can get
hold of another one. Alright,
so I'll whip it round to you
okay.
Mike
Okay, cheers Del.
(To Rodney)
See you Rodney.
Rodney
Yeah, bye.
Mike exits.
Del
Thanks Mike, yeah.
Albert
Del, I've just been telling
young Rodney about my days in
the navy.
(To Rodney)
I don't know why you don't
join up?
Rodney
Yeah, well you've just given
me five good reasons!
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. NIGHT.
The same day. The guests have all gone. Rodney sits alone
at the table, he remains motionless, deep in thought for
a few seconds. Unconsciously, he looks in the direction
of the TVs and the armchair. He quickly looks away again.
Del enters carrying a tray of food. Del, in a vain attempt
to cheer Rodney up a little bit, is being falsely buoyant.
Del
Here we are. Here we go
Rodney, look specialty of the
house. Sausage unt ala the old
mash! There you go.
Rodney
I ain't really all that hungry
Del.
Del
Oh come on Rodders! I've been
an hour out there in that
kitchen cooking this! Go on,
try it at least.
Rodney
I can't eat that Del...
Del
What's wrong with it?
Rodney
Well, it's nothing like
Grandad's is it? It tastes
nice.
Del
I tried to mess it up,
honestly I did, Rodney! Do you
know, I just didn't have his
knack! He was taught to cook
at one of London's biggest
establishments.
Rodney
You're kidding.
Del
No, straight up, he was a
trainee chef at the Ear, Nose
and Throat Hospital! Now, come
on then.
Del picks up a quarter full bottle of scotch.
Del (cont'd)
Come on, let's give this an
'iding? Shall we?
Rodney
Yeah, why not?
Del
Well it's just - it's just us
two now bruv! Me and you
against the rest! They don't
stand a bloody chance do they,
eh?
Rodney
Del, someone's trying to pull
our lavatory chain!
Del
Yeah, I know - I know it's an
awkward one innit? The secret
is one slow pull and then a
sharp one! Like that. There
you go. There it is see.
Rodney
What I'm saying is, right,
we're the only ones in the flat
and someone's trying to flush
our lav!!
Del
No, yeah, well maybe it's a
washer! Or something!
Rodney
How can a bloody washer flush
the chain???
Del
I don't know do I! I am not a
scientist or something? Am I?
No, it's alright, it's probab-
ly, you know quite simple. You
know nothing. Nothing at all
really. Where's my bloody
hammer?
Rodney
Del!
Del turns and sees the door opening. He raises the weapon
above his head. Albert, in a hung-over condition, enters.
Albert
Oh my bloody head!
Del
Gordon Bennett!! You nearly
had your head caved in then!
You soppy old sod!
Albert
I had too much of that cognac!
Where is everyone?
Rodney
Well, they've all gone home!
It's 'alf past 11 at night.
Del
Where the hell have you been?
Albert
I conked out in one of them
beds, my belly's going round
and round. Oh my Gawd! 'Alf
past 11. D'you think Stan and
Jean'll be worried about me?
Del
Worried about you? Yeah, well
of course they'll be worried
about you! Look, we can't
drive you back there tonight
now, no, me and Rodney have
had enough to drink!
Rodney
What about a min-cab then?
Del
No, you won't get one now
Rodney, they'll be busy
washing out their back seats!
I reckon you've got to stay
the night and I'll drive you
back to North London
tomorrow. Rodney, you go and
lock up, oi, make sure you
bring them batteries in
'fore someone swipes 'em.
Rodney
No one's gonna nick them Del!
Del
Really, how d'you think we got
'em?
Albert
I appreciate this son.
Del
Oh forget it, I'll get you a
pillow and some blankets, and
you can make yourself a bed
there on the chaise longue,
alright?
Albert
'Ere, I won't be able to sleep
on there Del! I need a good
firm mattress, I've got a
curvature of the spine see!
Del
Really? It's all them years
sleeping in a hammock I
suppose is it!
Albert
Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised!
(Indicating Grandad's
bedroom)
I might as well kip down in
there, eh?
Del
No, no, you can't go in there.
That's my Grandad's room!
Albert
Yeah but - I'm his brother!
Del
Yeah, that don't make no
difference. Only me and Rodney
are allowed in that room! That
room is gonna remain exactly
as he left it! That room is
going to be a shrine dedicated
to the memory of my Grand-
father.
Albert
I understand Del!
Del
No, we'll just have to think
of something else that's all.
Listen, if I get the big
mattress out of Rodney's room
I can put it down. No, I'd
never get it through the door
would I.
Rodney enters from the hall carrying the batteries.
Rodney
Oi, where'd you want these
then?
Del
Oh, sling 'em in Grandad's
room for now will you Rodney.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY.
There is a heap on the settee, it turns and yawn and
reveals itself as Rodney.
Rodney
Alright? D'you get Albert home
safely?
Del
Yes, I got him home safely al-
right Rodney!
Albert, carrying a canvas navy hold-all, enters behind
Del.
Albert
Morning son!
Rodney
Morning. You're back?
Albert
Boomerang Trotter always comes
back!
Rodney
What happened?
Del
What happened? I'll tell you
what happened, I drove him all
the way back to North London.
Right through the bleedin'
rush hour! And what did we
find when we got there? Stan
and Jean have moved!
Rodney
Moved? What do you mean moved?
Del
What do I mean? They hooked
the caravan on the back of the
Cortina and they've had it
away!
Albert
(Referring to
hold-all)
This was lying where the
caravan once stood! It's just
my clothes and a few personal
belongings.
Rodney
You mean that's all you've got
in the world?
Del
No, we've gotta go back
tomorrow to pick up his parrot!
How could they do this to me?
Rodney
That is disgusting innit? I
mean, deserting him like that!
Albert
Yeah! It ain't the first time
it's happened either!
Rodney
I mean, I, something, there
should be a law or something
against that!
Del
Yeah, I know. All I wanna know
is where they've got...'Ere.
What did you say just then?
Albert
I said it ain't the first time
it's happened either!! D'you
remember yer cousin Audrey? I
went and stayed with her and
her husband Kevin for a year.
One day they sent me down to
Sainsbury's with a shopping
list. When I come back they'd
emigrated! Not a dicky bird to
me though! Then there was
young Gillian, you know,
Patsy's girl. I went over
there to give her a bit of
comfort 'cos her husband was on
nights. Six months later she
sets fire to the house. She got
three months medical super-
vision for that! I can remember
thinking as I stood on the
ledge and jumped into the
fireman's net 'That's gratitude
for you.'
Rodney
I ain't 'arf got a funny
feeling Del!
Del
So have I Rodney! I feel like
a turkey who's just caught
Bernard Mathews grinning at
him!
Albert takes a couple of items of clothing from his hold
-all.
Albert
What shall I do with these
then?
Del stuffs them straight back into the hold-all.
Del
I tell you what you ought to
do with these shall I, put 'em
in here right. In they go, in
there, 'cos you're not staying
here.
Albert
No, of course not! Just for a
couple of days that's all!
Del
No, no, no, not for a couple
of days, not for one day!
There's a seaman's mission
down there at St Katherine's.
You go down here, go on.
Albert
Well, I thought I'd just have
a look at the local paper,
and find meself some digs.
Del
Yeah, that's a good idea Uncle.
They'll have a local paper
down at the mission! Now, go
on sling your hook.
Albert
Yeah - alright Del! Don't mind
if I have a quick cup of tea
do you?
Del
No, go on there's a flask of
cold tea out there and some
vol-au-vents from yesterday.
Go on, you can have them.
Albert
Cheers son!
Uncle Albert exits to kitchen.
Rodney has been watching in disbelief. He now smiles
thinking that Del is joking.
Rodney
What are you doing, winding
him up?
Del
Yeah, yeah, I'm winding him up
aren't I. I'm winding him up!
Rodney
Del, he only wants to stay for
a couple of nights, and get
himself sorted out!
Del
He's a Trotter Rodney.
Rodney
We're Trotters!
Del
Yes I know, but we take after
Mum in nature. He's from Dad's
side of the family! You know
what they're like. You offer
'em a cup of tea and they
think you've adopted 'em. Look
at that time when Dad came
round here he wanted to stay
'one' night! Took us nigh on a
fortnight to get rid of him!
Rodney
Uncle Albert might not be like
that!
Del
Oh leave it out Rodney! You've
heard him yourself when he was
telling us about that time he
came round the Cape of Good
Hope, he was three months on
the same wave!
Rodney
I don't believe you Del, I do
not believe that you of all
people, could!
Rodney storms towards the door.
Del
Where do you think you're
going?
Rodney
I'm going down the caff, I'm
gonna get some grub and some
better company!
Rodney exits to the hall. Del flops down in the armchair.
The hall door opens and Rodney re-enters.
Rodney (cont'd)
I'm gonna put some clothes on
first!
Rodney exits to bedroom.
Del touches the arms of Grandad's armchair affectionately.
He leans forward and switches the colour TV on. Rodney
enters.
Rodney
You've changed Del!
Del
Yeah, well it's about time you
did, come on, we've got to go
down the market later on.
Rodney
I mean your personality has
changed! I've seen a side of
you I never knew existed!
Del
You don't understand Rodney!
Rodney
You're right about that Del! I
mean, look at you last night,
you was laughing you was
drinking, I mean, why didn't
you just put yer Money M
record on Del, we could have
had a good old knees up! It
was Grandad's...How could you
get over it so easily?
Del
Get over it? What a plonker
you really are Rodney. Get
over it. I ain't even started
yet!!! Ain't even started
bruv! And d'you know why?
Because I don't know how to!!!
That's why I've survived all
my life with a smile and a
prayer! I'm Del Boy ain't I!
Good old Del Boy - he's got
more bounce than Zebedee! 'Ere
you are pal, hat you drinking?
Go on! Hello darling, you have
one for luck!!' That's me,
that's Del Boy innit? Nothing
ever upsets Del Boy. I've
always played the tough guy!
I didn't want to, but I had
to and I've played it for so
long now, I don't know how to
be anything else! I don't even
know how to...Oh it don't
matter! Bloody family! I've
finished with 'em! What do
they do to you, eh? They hold
you back, drag you down, and
then they break yer bloody
heart!
Rodney
(Whispers)
I'm sorry.
Rodney exits to bedroom.
Del remains in the chair staring at the TV, refusing to
cry. Now, like an act of defiance, he switches the
black and white TV on as well. He sits back in the
chair, grips his bottom lip firmly with his teeth and
stares at the two TVs.
THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT.
Del and Rodney, now suited up, enter.
Rodney sits at the table, Del goes to the bar. This is
the old Del, bouncy and full of the old Bel Esprit.
Maureen is behind the bar.
Del
Alright there, alright. Hello
darling.
Rodney
I'll be over there.
Del
Okay, alright. Alright pal,
what you drinking? Give him
one. I'll have a Malibu and
tonic with some lime and 'alf
of lager, please darling.
Maureen
In the same glass?
Del
No, in separate ones if you
don't mind!
Maureen
Well I don't know do I, it
might have been one of your
erotic cocktails, Del.
Del
Saucy little cow that one,
ain’t she, eh?
Mike
Alright Del?
Del
Yeah, brill! Triffic. How's
things?
Mike
Oh you know, quiet. Here, you
know that old boy that was at
the funeral, him with the
beard?
Del
Yeah.
Mike
He was in here lunchtime.
Del
Oh yeah?
Mike
What is he? A relative or
something?
Del
Nah - well yeah, I mean, he's
a distant relative, yeah.
Mike
We was telling me all about
his wartime dramas. Torpedoed
five time, dive-bombed twice.
He's a bit of a jinx ain't he?
Del
Yeah. You know what his last
job was don't you? He was
entertainments officer on
the Belgrano. Straight up.
Cheers darling.
Maureen
One pound eighty please.
Del
Alright, there you go. Go on.
Have one for luck.
Maureen
Oh cheers!
Mike
Oh that reminds me Del, about
all that booze yesterday?
Del
Yeah, what about it! Went down
a treat didn't it? See you
later Mike. Cheers.
Rodney
I wonder where he is?
Del
Eh, who?
Rodney
Uncle Albert!
Del
Oh him, oh, well he's down the
seaman's by now ain't he, eh,
got himself a lovely bed,
blinding little locker - yeah,
he's as happy as a pig in
sugar! He is yeah.
Rodney
Yeah I suppose so but...makes
you think don't it? A man
fights for his country like
that, you know, laying his
life on the line. D'you know
he went down with five
different ships!
Del
Yeah! I know, I don't know why
he just didn't join the
submarine corps in the first
place.
Albert enters, still carrying his hold-all. He sees Del
and Rodney and smiles and nods in their direction.
Albert starts coughing, obviously to gain sympathy.
Rodney
He's got a nasty cough! Ain't
he?
Del
Yeah, pity Boots ain't open
innit!
Rodney moves to the counter.
Rodney
You alright Unc?
Albert
Yeah, fine son, ta.
Rodney
Yeah good. Did you go down the
mission then?
Albert
Yeah I went down there, but it
ain't there no more! They
knocked it down, built some
luxury flats and a marina!
Rodney takes a couple of pounds from his pockets.
Rodney
Look, I ain't got very much...
I've got what...
Albert
Put yer money away Rodney, I
don't want it! Thanks for the
offer though. Go 'n, you get
back to Del. Don't you worry
about me. Alright? Don't
worry!
Rodney is about to move off when Albert starts coughing
again.
Albert (cont'd)
It's alright Rodney, nothing
to worry about! It's just me
lungs. We hit a mine coming
back from Normandy. I was
trapped for 12 hours in a
smoke-filled engine room.
Rodney
Well, if it's not one thing
it's the other, eh?
Rodney moves back to speak to Del.
Rodney
(To Del)
He ain't got nowhere to sleep
tonight! He went down the
mission, it's not there any
more - there's just a marina.
Del
Well can't he kip in the back
of that?
Rodney
A yachting marina! Come on Del
- that's Grandad's brother
sitting over there. Where do
you want him to sleep, eh? A
dosshouse?
Del
Listen Rodney, that bloke has
been in shark-infested seas,
right, he's been attacked by
kamikaze pilots, and blown up
more times than a beach-ball!
One night in a dosshouse
ain't gonna do him any harm,
is it?
Rodney
You don't believe all them
stories do you?
Del
What? Do you reckon they're
porkies?
Rodney
Well of course they are! I
didn't wanna say nothing 'cos,
you know, he's a proud man!
Del
What proud? Him? He comes from
Dad's side of the family doesn't
he?
Rodney
No, I just offered him a
couple of quid and he wouldn't
take a penny!
Del
No, well, he wouldn't would
he, he's still got the hundred
quid I gave him this afternoon!
Rodney
You gave him a hundred quid?
Del
Yeah! You don't think I'd let
him go potless do yer?
Rodney
Is that why you can't pay Mike
for the booze?
Del
(Refuses to answer.
He stands)
Oh come on, come on.
They both move across to Albert.
Del
Alright?
Albert
Yeah, alright son. Just having
a drop of rum, warm the old
cockles.
Del
You eaten?
Albert
Na, not yet.
Del
Then why didn't you have some-
thing to eat when you was in
here at lunchtime?
Albert
Well, all they had left was
sausage and mash and I've gone
right off that!
Del
You fancy an Indian?
Albert
Wouldn't mind son!
Rodney
We'd never get a table this
time of night, Del.
Del
No. We'll have to get a take-
away, and eat it at home!
Rodney
Yes, that's what we'll do,
we'll get a take-away and eat
it at home...Eh?
Albert
It it's alright with you two
Del. Thanks.
Del
Don't know what you're thank-
ing me for, you're paying!
Come on Sinbad, let's get down
there before the health
inspector!
Del moves off towards the main doors followed by Rodney
who carries Albert's hold-all. Albert downs the last of
his rum and is about to leave when Mike calls him.
Mike
Oh, I'm glad I caught you.
I've just phoned the mission
and they said they've got a
bed for you.
Albert
Ssshh!
Albert follows Rodney and Del out.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.