Only Fools And Horses

Happy Returns

DAY. A NEWSAGENTS. Behind the counter is Debbie. She is a very pretty cockney girl in her late teens. She is serving a couple of old ladies. Del and Rodney enter. Her and Rodney exchange smiles. Rodney Hello Debbie. Debbie Hello Rodney. Del (Mimics them) 'Hello Debbie.' 'Hello Rodney!' Rodney Shut up will yer! Rodney moves away to look at the magazines. Del (To old lady) Hello darling. Old Lady Been up to the hospital, love? Del Yeah, we just come back from there now. Old Lady How is he? Del Moaning! The doctors 'ave been trying to take his hat off, but he wouldn't have none of it! They gave him an X-ray yesterday, and they found out he got a pulled ligament in the wallet, and severe fraying of the trilby! Old Lady Give him my love. Del Ooh, he ain't up to nothing like that! Rodney (To Del) This is awkward! Del What is? Rodney Well, I wanted to buy one of my adult art magazines. Del What's the problem? Rodney Debbie's serving! We've been seeing each other, sort of thing! She might think I'm odd! Del She's gonna find out sometime Rodney. Rodney Get it for us would you Del? Del Alright, alright, Rodney! Rodney Cheers Del, you're a pal! Del (To Debbie) Here you are, darling, look Exchange and Mart, oh, give me one of yer dirty magazines darling will you. Debbie Yeah, which one d'you want? Del (Calls) Which one d'you want Rodney? Rodney exits, embarrassed. Del (cont'd) (To Debbie) Just the Exchange and Mart. DAY. THE ESTATE. Del and Rodney are walking past a tower block (Zimbabwe House). Rodney 'What one d'you want Rodney?' I don't believe you sometimes! Del I wish I'd had my Polaroid with me! You should've seen your face! Rodney You've embarrassed me! Del I've embarrassed you! Oh, it's alright for some bird to think I'm a pervo though is it? Rodney You ain't taking her out, are you? Del Don't know, I ain't made me mind up yet! Rodney Oh, listen to him, will you! Jason, a little nine-year-old, fair-haired boy dashes past them and towards the road. Del Oi, oi, oi! Del grabs the kid by the collar as he is about to run into the road. Del (cont'd) Hey, what's your game, eh? Jason My Mum said she's gonna kill me! Rodney Well she won't need to will she? You'll kill yourself running across the road like that. Del No, haven't you ever heard of the Green Cross Code? Jason But I'm gonna get killed in a minute! Del No you're not. She's not gonna kill you! Jason She said she was! Del Yeah, I know, but mums say lots of things they don't mean, don't they, eh? (Taking fifty pence from his pocket) Here, tell you what. Here you are, go and get yourself an ice-cream at the Paki's on the corner. Jason Oh thanks mister...what about my brother? Jason indicates a little West Indian kid standing a few yards away. Del Ah, who's he? Rodney That's your brother is it? Del Is it? (Producing another fifty pence) You'd better get him one an' all hadn't yer? Jason Ta mister. Del Oi just a minute, why was your Mum telling you off? Jason I let down the tyres on that motor. Del and Rodney turn to see the three-wheeled van with all the tyres deflated. Del I'll kill you! Rodney Oh bloody hell Del, look at that. Del Little scallywags round here ain't they! Rodney Well it's nothing to laugh at Del, I mean, look at it! Del Oh no, they're only kids though ain't they? I used to do the same sort of thing when I was a nipper. I remember me and Albie Littlewood we let a couple of tyres down once. Should have seen the palaver it caused. Everyone had to get off the bus! They were the days! Still, I'll go round the garage and get the foot pump for you. Rodney Yeah right. Oi, hold on what d'you mean you'll get me the foot pump? Del You ain't 'alf getting indepen- dent ain't yer? Alright, go and get your on foot pump. Rodney That's more like it. NIGHT. THE ESTATE. Del, dressed to kill, exits from the tower block. He walks to the van, gives a cursory examination of the now inflated tyres, jumps in and drives off. As the van near Zimbabwe House we see little Jason sitting forlornly on the kerb. Del pulls into the kerb and alights. Del (Sitting next to him) Alright Champ? What you doing? Jason I'm running away from home. Del Running away from home are you? Ain't got very far have you? Jason My Mum said I mustn't cross the road! Del That makes it difficult then dunnit? Where's yer brother? Jason His Dad says he has to go in. Del I see. Well I reckon that's the best place for you to go an' all, don't you? Jason She'll kill me! Del No she won't, listen, they were my tyres that you let down weren't they? So I'll come home with you and I'll tell your Mum that I asked you to let my tyres down 'cos I wanted to see how long it would take my brother to pump 'em back up again! How's that? Jason Alright then. Del There, good boy, see, you know it makes sense! Come on then. You'd better get in 'cos the bogey man will be coming soon. Jason I've seen the bogey man! Del Have you? What's he look like? Jason He's got a funny hat and wears pyjamas under his mac! Del That's not the bogey man, that's my Grandad! INTERIOR OF FLATS. Del and Jason approach a door to one of the flats. Del Right, come on then. Is this it? This is your house? Jason Yeah. Del Is it? Right, now don't you worry. She'll be as sweet as a nut, I'll guarantee. Just stay there. The front door opens. June Where have you been? I was just about to call the police. Look at the state of you. Go and put your pyjamas on. I'll see you in a minute. Jason exits into the flat. Del (Recognising the voice) Does that go for me an' all? June You what? Del? Cor, I don't believe it! Del Junie, how you doing? June I'm fine! Del Oh great. June You don't still live on the estate, do you? Del Well yeah, over the way there, you know Nelson Mandela House. Here when d'you move in here? June Six weeks ago, there don't stand out there, people'll think you're the tallyman. Come in. Del Right. 'Ere hang about. What about the old man? June Erh, he's gone away for a bit. Del enters into the flat. Del Oh gone away for a bit. Anyone we know? NIGHT. JUNE'S LOUNGE. Del is seated having a glass of beer. June enters from the bedroom. June He's soundo already. Didn't even want a bedtime story tonight. Del He's a little scallywag ain't he? June Ooh, he's a right handful! D'you know what he did today? He only let the tyres down on some crappy three-wheeled van over there! Del Yeah? June I think he misses his Dad! Del Yeah, I used to miss my Dad - till I learnt to punch straight! When's the old man get out? June (Pouring herself a drink) Oh, he's not in prison Del! No, he works on an oil-rig. Del Oh I see! When are you expecting him back then? June About six months if he keeps his nose clean. Del smiles at her subconscious slip. June, realising her mistake, smiles as she concedes the point. June I'd have popped over and seen you, but I didn't think for one minute you'd still be living here! D'you remember what you used to say to me all those years ago? Del I can remember quite a lot of funny things I used to say to you!!! June I don't mean 'that'! You used to say, 'This time next year I'll be a millionaire!' Del Did I? What a wally! Well, we were much younger then weren't we, I mean, anything seemed possible in them days. 'Ere, 'ere, how long ago was it that, you know, you and I, well, we stopped seeing each other? June Must be...19 years now! Del 19 - 19 years! June It's longer than that in fact. We broke up in September 1965. Just after Albie Littlewood's funeral. Del That's right! Yeah, that's right, cor, we were a right little team up till then, weren't we? June What, the famous four! You and me, Albie and...what was his girlfriend's name? Del Deirdre. June That's it, Deirdre. Del Deirdre! Do you know I often wondered what would have happened if he hadn't been coming over to see me that night. You know, if he hadn't taken the short cut across the railway lines, you know - if his bike hadn't accidentally fallen on the live rail. I mean what's the point of talking about ifs! If me brother had been a bird he would have been me sister, wouldn't he, eh? June Oh you had a kid brother! Rodney. How is he? Del Oh, he's alright. He's just reached that awkward age. You know he's a bit like a triffle! June What d'you mean, mixed up? Del No, no, he's thick and fruity! June Oh and what about your Gran- dad? Del Oh Grandad, well, he's not too fit at the moment, he's laid up in Dock but I sometimes think you know given half a chance he could be thick and fruity an' all. June I take it you never got married! Del Me, no, no, no, I just got engaged! 'Ere, talking about still got my engagement ring? June Yeah, you don't want it back do you? Del No, no, no, I - you know I was just wondering that was all! No, I was just wondering like, 'cos you know, I - I could always whip over home and get my Sheena Easton LP, if you like! June Not much point, I haven't got a record player! Del Oh, I'll have to keep my eye open for one! For you, won't I, eh? Don't worry, you leave it to me, alright? They go to kiss but the doorbell rings. June Oh Del. Oh! 'Ere Del, help yourself to a drink. Del Yeah, thanks Junie. June exits to the hall. Del moves over to examine a picture or ornament. June (OOV) Oh come in love. June enters from the hall. June (cont'd) It's alright. It's a friend of my daughter's. (Calls) Debs, it's for you! She's got that bloody radio on again, she'll wake Jason! June exits. Rodney enters from the hall door. He is carrying a Duran Duran LP and a bottle of brandy. Del spots him. Rodney, unaware of Del's presence, wanders around getting the feel of the place. He smiles licentiously as he tests the softness of the settee. Del observes all this. Rodney, believing himself to be alone, relaxes and starts to play 'Joe Cool' in that optimistic way of someone who thinks they will soon be getting their end away. He studies himself in the mirror and has a very confident air. He undoes another shirt button, pulling his shirt wider apart to reveal more of his chest, has second thoughts and does the button up. He now licks his hair to give a more natural look, as he does this he sees Del's reflection in the mirror. He freezes and turns his head away and closes his eyes really tight as if he thinks he is seeing thing. Rodney then looks back t the mirror and Del's reflection is still there. Rodney turns. Del You little plonker! Rodney What are you doing here? Del What am I doing...What are you doing here? Rodney Well, this is where Debbie lives, ain't it? That bird from the paper...'Ere - 'ere you're not trying to... Del No I am not! Leave it out, I'm a friend of her Mum's! Rodney Yeah, when d'you meet her then? Del 1964. Rodney What and you've only just come round to see her? Del No, I was engaged to her, soppy! Rodney What, another one! Stone me Del, you've been engaged more times than a switchboard ain't yer! Del Don't you start getting lippy. (Indicating record) I don't know what you brought that round for, 'Cos they ain't got a record player! Rodney opens it up to reveal that the sleeve is empty. Rodney That's alright, I ain't got a record! Del You are a saucy little git you really... (Sees the bottle of brandy) Oi, I've got one of those at home on the sideboard! Rodney Yeah alright, well I'll get you another one tomorrow, wont I! June enters. Del Yeah you better...Junie, June, you'll never guess who that is? That is little Rodney! June You're kidding!! Del No, straight up! June I don't believe it! The last time I saw you, you were about that high! How old was he Del? Del Then, about two and 'alf! June Anyway it's very nice to meet you again Rodney. Rodney And you... Rodney is not sure how to address her, but is wanting to ingratiate himself. Rodney (cont'd) Ma'm. Del Leave it out Rodney, you're making me feel quite Tom and Dick you really are. June You can call me June. Rodney Oh thank you. June Debbie won't be a minute, she's just putting some clothes on. Rodney Oh she needn't bother! June What?? Rodney No, no, no, I mean, you know, she needn't bother to put on anything special. I was thinking you two wanted to go out and you know chat about old times and all that, well you know I'm sure me and Debbie wouldn't mind baby-sitting. June What d'you think Del? Del I daren't tell you what I think Junie! Come on let's go out for a drink! Shall we? Debbie enters wearing a dressing gown. Debbie Hello Rodney. Rodney Debs! Del You alright darling? Debbie Oh watcha. June You two met? Debbie Yeah, he came in the paper shop this morning for a dirty magazine. Del 'Ere no, actually...listen... Rodney Er, I was just saying you and me wouldn't mind baby-sitting if Del and yer Mum went out for a drink! Debbie Yeah, that suits me. June I'll get my coat. June exits to hall. Del Yeah alight, darling. 'Ere I'd do that up if I was you, you'll get a cold on yer chest! Rodney It's Debbie's house, she can do what she likes. Do you want a brandy Debs? Debbie Brandy eh? You're splashing out ain't yer? Del Yeah well of course he's celeb- rating ain't he? Debbie Celebrating what? Del Oh, hasn't he told you? He's just heard from the clinic! He's got an all clear. THE NAG'S HEAD. Del and June are seated at the table. Del raises his glass, containing one of his concoctions. Del Well, there you go. Old times, eh? June (Raising her glass) Old times. Del Cheers. June Cheers. Del 'Ere , Junie, I hope you don't mind me asking, but there's always been something that's been bothering me. June Look, if it's something from the past let's leave it. Del No, no, it's just that I always wondered why it was that you left so suddenly like that? Without a letter, a word, or nothing! June It's personal Del! All over and done with now, right? Can we talk about something happier? Del Yeah, of course! What they put your ol' man in prison for? June He stole some watches. Del Oh I see! Ain't still got 'em have you? June We're getting a divorce when he comes out. The marriage never worked right from the start. Del Oh, I don't know! It seemed to have lasted quite a while! June Oh no, we've only been married seven years! Del Seven years?? But no Debbie. She must be...Oh I'm sorry! June He's not Debbie's father. Del No, no, sorry I didnít mean, you know! I wasn't trying to... June 'Ere, it's her birthday next week. We're gonna have a little party. D'you fancy coming? Del Yeah, not half, I'll have some of that! 'Ere, I'll have to get that record player for you a bit lively won't I? June Oh yes. Del 'Ere what do you want? Another one, or same again. June Oh, I'd love another one. Same again. Trigger Here you go Del. Del Cheers Trig. Del (To barmaid) 'Ere you are, Maureen, same again love, that's a Singapore Sling and half of Strongbow. Maureen Coming up. Del What you up to Mickey? Mickey I've just come back from evening school. I'm learning Aikido. Del Really? Go on then, say some- thing. Mickey Eh? Del Say something in Aikido. Mickey No, it's not a language Del. It's a martial art! I had a fight with five blokes last night! Del What was it, a pillow fight? Leave it out you ain't got a mark on you son! Mickey That's because I wiped 'em out with Aikido. Del (Sniffing the air) Can you smell that? What is that? Sheep is it? It's cows? No, no, I know what it is. It's bullshit! Mickey I'm telling you the truth Del! Del Leave it out Mickey. I can always tell when you're lying. Mickey How? Del Yer lips move! 'Ere you are, love. How much is that? Maureen (With drinks) Two pounds and forty nine pence. Del Right cheers. Maureen Cheers. Where's Rodney tonight? Del Rodney? He's round at that young Debbie's place. Maureen oh yeah. Mickey Well I don't know what he sees in her! I mean, she's just a kid ain't she! Maureen She's 19 next week mouthy! Del What about your 19th birthday Mickey? Maureen Yeah. Mickey What about it? Del Well, you looking forward to it are you? (To Maureen) 19, 'ere just a minute that Debbie. That young Debbie, she can't be 19! Maureen She's 19 next Wednesday, Del. Mickey Yeah, tell you what, I've got an invitation to her 19th birthday party. Del That's impossible! Maureen What's the matter with you Del? Del 19 an 'alf years ago, me and Debbie's Mum... Del looks across to June, who smiles back at him. Del (cont'd) Oh my Gawd! Maureen What are you talking about Del? Del Eh? Maureen What are you talking about? Del No, no, no, nothing! No it's alright, no, forget it. Just no - forget it. Del returns to the table with the drinks. Del Junie, Junie, I know why you left so suddenly all them years ago! June Do you? Del Pot pourri...Why didnít you tell me? June I couldn't. I didn't know how you'd take the news. Del I'm just going to the bog. NIGHT. THE GENTS. Trigger is just doing up his flies as Del enters. Trigger Alright Del Boy? Del (Desperately pacing the floor) No, I'm not alright Trigger! I don't know what I'm gonna do! I just don't know what I'm gonna do! Trigger Hang on Del Boy, leave it to me! (Banging on cubicle door) Come on hurry up, we've got an emergency out here! Del No, no, no, not that Trigger!! Come here. Listen to me. D'you remember about 20 years ago, I was - I was engaged to that bird right. Trigger What June? Yeah, I remember her! She's back on the estate now. Del That's right. Well she's got a - she's got a 19-year-old kid. Trigger Yeah, Debbie, works in the paper shop. So what? Del So what? Me and June broke up about 19 an' 'alf years ago right. That means that she was expecting her at the time! Which means Debbie is my kid! Trigger But she's a pretty girl! Del Of course she is! I mean, look - look, that' a chip off the old block, ain't it, eh? Trigger Didn't June say nothing to you at the time? Del No, not a dicky bird! Trigger You sure Del? Del Well, I would have remembered something like that Trigger, wouldn't I? Trigger I mean, you sure she's your kid? Del Yeah, she's gotta be, I mean... she's gotta be! Trigger 'Ere, the little cow short- changed me the other day! Del Well that is it then innit? Trigger You told the rest of the family? Del No, no, I've only just found out meself! Gawd knows what Grandad and Rodney are gonna say when they...Rodney!! Rodney!! NIGHT. JUNE'S LOUNGE. The lights are low. Rodney and Debbie are laying on the settee. They are about to kiss. The hall door bursts open and the lights come on. Del Put her down Rodney! Rodney You're back early ain't yer? June, seething with Del, enters. June Yeah, ain't we just, eh? I'm going to bed Del! Del No listen, June we've gotta talk. June Look, I knew this was how you'd behave, that's why I didn't tell you! I'll see you around sometime... Del No listen, June. June Maybe! June exits. Del Look we've gotta talk... Rodney You've made another lasting impression I see! Del Come on and get up out of there, come on. Give Debbie some air. The poor girl can't breathe. Rodney Yeah, alright! You want another brandy Deb? Del No she don't! Debbie I'll make my own decision thank you. Del Yes, of course! Of course, it's just that if you have too much to drink you might make yourself sick! And you don't wanna be ill for yer party next week. (To Rodney) It's Debbie's birthday next week, Rodney. Rodney (Quietly to himself) Yeah, I thought it was mine tonight! Del I'll get you a nice present shall I - dear? I'll get you a solid gold watch, eh? A couple of hundred quid at least! Debbie Alright! Rodney What's your game Del? Del Just feeling generous that's all. Come on, Rodney I'll give you a lift home, come on. Rodney Give me - Del, we only live 50 yards across the precinct! Del I know that - I know, but when I came back tonight there was a load of muggers hanging about! Rodney Oh yeah? Del Yeah. Rodney Well perhaps I'd better go Debs - I've gotta be up early! Debbie Alright then... (To Del) Goodnight. Del (Paternally) Goodnight...Pleasant dreams. Del exits. Rodney Well, goodnight Debs. Debbie Goodnight. He puts his arm round her, he is about to kiss her when Del's hand appears and pulls him out of the door by the scruff of his neck.. Del Come on Rodney! STUDIO. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Del enters from the hall switching the lights on as he does so. Rodney follows. Rodney Now just what is your game Del? All that, 'Shall I buy you a nice gold watch shall I, dear?' And 'Sweet Dreams!' Del I was just being friendly, that's all! Rodney You're trying to pull her ain't yer? Del (Offended) I am not trying to pull her! What d'you think I am, some kind of sicko or something? Rodney Well, you're trying to interfere between me and Debbie ain't yer? Del I am not trying to interfere, Rodney. Now listen. Rodney, look, I just...I don't think that you two are...'right' for each other! Rodney It's got nothing to do with you! Me and Debbie think we're right for each other! As a matter of fact we're thinking of getting engaged! Del You're what? You can't get engaged to her Rodney. No, what I mean - what I mean is, what I mean is you're too young! Rodney I'm 24 Del! By the time you was my age you'd been engaged to every bird this side of the water! No, you're just jealous ain't yer? You can't stand the thought that I might end up with a nice little wife. Del You're gonna end up with a nice little stretch if you ain't careful! Rodney, you mustn't get engaged to her! Rodney You give me one good reason why I mustn't?? Del (Taking a deep breath) Because she's my daughter! That's why! Rodney Debbie - is - your - daughter? Del Yeah! Rodney No. It's not real! No, it's not happening to me! I'll tell you what, I'm in the middle of a bad trip! I'm gonna wake up in a minute! Del I've worked it out on the calculator Rodney! Me and June broke up 19 and 'alf years ago. It's Debbie's 19th birth- day next week! You're the one with the GCE in Maths, you work it out yourself! Rodney Well maybe she met someone after you! Del No, she was born a couple of months after! Rodney Well then she was premature! Del Premature?? She'd have had to have been bloody instant, Rodders! Rodney But - she's a pretty girl! Del I know that - I can see Mum in her! Come on...cheer up Rodney. Rodney Cheer up?? Del I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece! Del Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law! Rodney Bloody hell! Del Yer mother-in-law would have been yer aunt, yer wife would have been yer second cousin - Gawd knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think. Rodney Del, are you absolutely certain of this? Del Yeah, well, certain as I'll ever be. Just think eh, Rodney, young Debbie has grown up all these years 'an she never never knew that - I was her Daddy! Do you think I ought to tell her? Rodney Eh, no, no, that could come as a great disap...great shock. Del No perhaps you're right! Rodney Could you do something for me Del? Del Yeah sure. Rodney You go and see June. Right, you go and se her and you find out if it's definite - definitely definite! Del Yeah, tomorrow - I definitely promise! Rodney Well I'm going to bed. I bet I'll have a nightmare! I bet I'll have a nightmare where my wife keeps calling me Uncle Rodney, eh? STUDIO. NIGHT. JUNE'S LOUNGE. The lights are low and the TV is on. June enters followed by Del. June Alright Del, you've got five minutes! Say what you have to say and then go! Del Is Debbie in? June No, she - she's gone over her Auntie's. Look, if you've come here to dig up the past again, you can forget it! Del Come on Junie, there are things that have got to be discussed! June What sort of things? Del Look Junie! I know! June So you said last night! Del Well then? Are you gonna tell her or shall I? June Tell her what? Del Oh come on, June. Don't play the innocent with me. Tell her - that I am her father! June You're her...Oh Del! When you said you knew, I thought you really knew! Debby's not your kid. Del Yes she is. No, come on, she was born six months after we broke up! Well she's gotta be - I mean, if I'm not her father, then who is?? June Albie Littlewood! Del Albie Littlewood? Albie Littlewood? My bestest friend in all the world? The greatest pal a bloke could have, and all the time he was doinking my bird? June That's why I left! Del How could he do it to me? We were blood-brothers! June We were just kids - we were just playing games. That night he died on the railway lines - he wasn't coming to meet you in the pub. He was coming to meet me! Del For nigh on 20 years I've carried that guilt around with me, it's hung round my neck like some great two-ton medallion! June Well, well, now you're free of it ain't you? Albie didn't take the short-cut for you. Del It's not the only reason why I was feeling guilty! 'Cos if he had made it across the railway lines that night he wouldn't have met me in the pub! I wasn't in the pub! I was round at his bird Deirdre's place! June You were with Deirdre?? Del It's alright, June. We were only playing games, only play- ing games. June Why you dirty little toe-rag. The front door closes and Debby enters. Debbie Hello Mum. June Hello love. Mickey Pearce enters. Debbie I've brought Mickey back, we're going to my room to listen to the radio. Del Good evening young Michael! Alright? Mickey Watchya Del! I just met Debbie walking across the estate. So I thought I'd better make sure she got home safely. Del Yes! So you thought you'd escort the young lady back to her bedroom. Yeah, I know Mickey, I know only too well my son! Goodnight to you all! Oh Mickey, make sure you don't take the short cut across the railway line.

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