Only Fools And Horses

Who's A Pretty Boy?

EXT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY. An old transit is parked at one of the meters outside the pub. The sign on it reads: 'B. O' Shaunessy, Painter and decorator.' The three-wheeled van pulls up and parks beside it Del alights. Del (Indicating transit) 'Ere, look who's here, look, Phil the Flooter! Rodney Oi, now don't you go winding him up! There could be rivers of blood! Del Yeah, there will be rivers of blood. Look t the way he tucked us up with that paint last week! Del throws Rodney an 'out of Order' bag. Del (cont'd) Here, just shove that on the meter. And I'll see you inside in a minute! Alright? INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY. Seated at the bar is Brendan O' Shaughnessy. He is a well-built, tough-looking man in his mid-thirties. He speaks with a thick, Irish brogue. Del enters and shares a word or two with some of the regulars at the bar. Del (To an Indian fellow with a turban) Hello Ranji my son, how are you, alright? Here, I saw your missus on Tuesday, she's got a terrible spot on her forehead ain't she? (To Karen) Hello sweetheart. Karen Alright? Del Yeah. He's a nice bloke you know, that Ranji! He took me and Rodney over to Southall last week. They was holding this Asian song contest. Karen Is that right? Del Yeah, bloke called Singh won it! Del smiles, Karen doesn't. Del (cont'd) Singh! Karen What d'you want, usual? Del Yeah, Campari and diet coke please! 'Ere, how's the new guv'nor treating you? Karen Oh, he's alright! Did you know we're having this place done up? Del Are you? About time it was re- decorated. Last time it was done they had to keep stopping 'cos of the Zepplin raids! (Notices Brendan) Look who's here, look...there he is, Paddy McIntee's goat! Brendan Are you alright Del? Del Alright? What d'you mean alright? After that paint you sold me! Brendan Was there something wrong with it? Del It was supposed to be apple white! Brendan And what was it? Del Battleship grey! Brendan Well there's a thing! I'll tell you what. If, on my travels, I come across someone who wants their battleship painted, I'll put 'em on touch! Del You do that! You're a right con merchant you are aren't you, eh? I don't know how people like you can live with yourselves. Really, I... Karen Oi - you know that over-coat you sold my dad? Del Yeah. Karen It's got a great big hump in the back! Del Well of course, it's genuine camel-hair innit! Karen I'll tell him. Del Yeah, yeah, alright, alright, I'll let you off the paint, this time! Here, I thought you were going back to Dublin's fair city? Brendan I was, till the brewery decided to have this place re- decorated. Del Oh and you've got the contract have you? Brendan As good as! I've arranged it with the guv'nor that mine's the lowest estimate! See you Del. Oh, by the way. If you come across young Denzil tell him I tried to phone him twice last night but I haven't got his number! Del Right. 'Ere, just a minute, has he got your phone number? Brendan No. Del I'll tell him to phone you then. Brendan Thanks. Del Oi, just a minute - just a minute. Here, what d'you want with Denzil anyway? Brendan Oh, he's after having me decorate his font room. It'll be a couple of hundred to take back to the old country. Del 'Ere, well listen, when you go back to the old country don't eat any of them carrots! Brendan Why's that? Del They've got potato-blight! Brendan Would you believe it... Brendan moves to the main door, as he does so Rodney enters and bumps into him. He is scared of Brendan. Brendan (cont'd) Are you alright there Rodney? Rodney Yes, yes, triffic thank you Brendan! Brendan Were you happy with that paint I got you last week? Rodney The paint? Yeah, ace! Brendan Good. I'll see you around then. Rodney Oh yeah. Yeah, you take care of yourself. As soon as Brendan exits, Rodney's attitude changes to one of aggression. He moves across to Del smashing a clenched fist into an open palm. Rodney I don't know how I managed to keep my hands off him. Del Come on, drink up, we're going! Rodney What do you mean drink up? I haven't had a drink yet! Del Good, I don't want you falling off the ladder! Rodney What ladder? Del The ladder round at Denzil's place! Rodney Del, what the hell are you talking about? Del We're doing up Denzil's front room! Rodney You never told me. Del I know, I couldn't. I mean, be fair Rodney, I haven't even told Denzil yet! Come on. INT. A CORRIDOR IN A BLOCK OF FLATS/ DENZIL'S FRONT DOOR. DAY. HALL. Del and Rodney enter through the main doors. Rodney Del, I've told you before an' I'm gonna tell you again, we should have nothing to do with it! Del I know, but Denzil's no good at papering and painting and that sort of thing. Rodney Well that makes three of us. Del Look, no, you seem to forget that Grandad used to be a decorator for the council! Rodney Del, that was in 1924. He used to go to work on a horse! And even then he got the sack after two days for wallpaper- ing over a serving hatch! Oi, that's another thing, how d'you think Denzil's wife's gonna react after what you did to her last year? Del Now Rodney, that's all in the past, Corinne's a sensible girl, it's forgive and forget, that's her. Anyway, give us a chance to get even with that Paddy, I'd love to take a couple of hundred off him! Anyway you never know, we might be able to get shot of that paint!! Rodney Oh yeah! I mean everyone's having their woodwork done in battleship grey nowadays! Del But you don't know. Corinne and Denzil may quite like it! Rodney Del, you'll make their front room look like the conning tower of the Ark Royal! Del Oh, shut up you tart! INT. DENZIL'S LIVING ROOM. DAY. The furnishing is modern but the decor is a bit old hat. Denzil is talking to a canary in a cage. Denzil Come on Sylvester, talk to Denzil! Say Viv Richards is King! Come on, let me hear them golden tones! Come on. Ah, you stupid ras bird! The front door bell rings. Denzil (cont'd) Alright, I'm coming. Rodney You'll have sailors doing the hornpipe, jump-jets landing of the sofa! Del Will you shut up Rodney! Denzil opens the front door. Denzil Del my man! Del Denzil my son, how are you? Both Del and Denzil do a West Indian-style hand slapping greeting. Denzil Come in. Del Yeah, great. Denzil I haven't seen you for ages, where have you been? Del Well, you know me, here, there and everywhere - ducking and diving. Denzil Rodney, you're looking good! Rodney (In cool voice) Yeah! Denzil He's cool, I like it! I tell you, if he wasn't so white I'd swear he was black! Del Yeah, he is white ain't he! Denzil He's the whitest man I've ever seen in all my life! Rodney I'm not ever so white! Del You are! You'd make an albino look bronzed! Denzil (Hands out beers) Here, grab one of these each! Del Oh, here Denzil, Corinne ain't about is she? Denzil No, no, she's round her sister's. Del Oh that' alright... Denzil Hey, you ain't still worried about what happened are you? Come on Del, she's forgotten all about that now. Anyway, what brings you round? Del Just passing, thought, you know, thought we'd call in. 'Ere have you had this place done up? Denzil No. Del No, I didn't think you had. Denzil We're getting it decorated soon though. Corinnes' been at me for ages about it, but I'm no good at that sort of thing so I got the Irishman to do it. Del Oh Brendan? Oh well, can't go far wrong with him Denzil? He's a good man. Here, did you hear about that house he did up in, where was it, Kings' Avenue. He made a beautiful job of it so I hear. Mind you I only saw it after the fire! (To the canary) Who's a pretty boy? He's a lovely boy ain't he! Is he yours Denzil? Denzil No, he's Corinne's, she's had him for a few years - what fire? Del Eh? Denzil You mean the house burnt down? Del Yeah, but don't get me wrong, it wasn't Brendan's fault! I mean, look, I know a lot of blokes who like a couple of pints at dinner time. And it's very easy to forget where you left your blow-lamp! Denzil So it was accidental then? Del Oh yeah! It was an accident, even the coroner said so! Denzil Coroner?? Del Yeah. Denzil Right, that's it, I'm having no drunken Irishman falling about my living-room with a lighted blow-lamp! No way. Del Oh my Gawd, oh I wish I hadn't said nothing now, oh I really feel really bad about this - you know what, with Brendan being a mate an' all! Look, never mind Denzil. Look on the bright side, he might not burn your place down. Denzil Yeah, well I'm taking no chances Del, I'm getting some- body else to do the job! Del Oh well. Well, it's up to you. I mean, as I always used to say to my customers when I was in the painting and decorating game, I used to say 'It's your money, it's your choice.' Denzil You never told me you used to be a painter and decorator? Del Oh yeah, yeah, it's been the family trade for generations ain't it Rodney? Rodney (Preoccupied with his 'whiteness') Eh? Del Yeah. There you are, see. But demand got too much, we had to give it up in the end. Denzil Listen, well, couldn't you just do this living room for us? Del What this? Oh no, no, no, sorry mate, no, no, you know, we've given the game up now! Denzil Oh come on Del! Corinne's been bending my ear about it for ages. Just this one room yeah? Del No, no. No, no, no, no, no, I'm sorry. If I do it for you I've got to do it for all the others! Haven't I? Denzil Del, for a mate in trouble! Please! Del Alright, just for you though! Denzil Cheers Del, you're a pal! Del I don't know. I don't know what it is with you. You manage to twist me right round your little finger, don't you? Denzil When can you start? Del First thing in the morning. A hundred quid up front, we supply the paint and that's extra. Denzil Done. Del And you will be. Denzil I'll get some more drinks. Del Good, what about that Rodney, eh Rodney, nice little earner, eh? Rodney (Looking in the mirror) I don't think I'm ever so white! Del You are. You look like a blood donor who couldn't say no! Corinne enters. She has not noticed the Trotters in the room. Corinne (To Denzil) Hiya! Denzil Hi hon. Corinne (To Canary) Hello baby, have you missed me? Corinne turns around and sees Del. Corinne (cont'd) Denzil!! What the hell is he doing in my home?? Del Hello Corinne, you look as lovely as ever! Denzil Del just popped in to say hi hon. Corinne Did he really? (To Del) 'Hello'. There's the door! Del 'There's the door.' She's a card ain't she! Rodney is studying himself in the mirror. Corinne And what's he doing? Rodney I want you to tell me the truth Corinne. Am I white? Corinne Denzil - have you and Rodney been at the funny fags? Denzil No, honest hon, we haven't, we've just got some drinks that's all. Corinne I go round my sister's to see how she is after having the stitches out, and I come back to find my home full of crazy people! Denzil Oh come on babe, be friendly! Del's gonna do the decorating for us! Corinne He's what? Denzil Well, I blew the Irishman out, I mean I've heard bad things about him! Corinne (Indicating Del) Denzil, how can you trust this man? Every time you meet him you end up drunk or out of pocket? Denzil Yeah I know, but he's a mate! Corinne Would a mate sell you an over- coat like the one he sold you? Del Oh now, come on, be fair Corinne, that was a very nice overcoat, looked like it was made to measure! Corinne Yeah, for the Hunchback of Notre Dame! And what about the time he offered to do the catering or us? Denzil Oh don't bring that up honey please. Corinne That was our wedding Denzil!!! What was it we were supposed to have Del? Lobster vol-au- vents, game pie, kidney with saffron rice, beef and anchovy savouries! Rodney Philadelphia Truffles! Corinne And what did we end up with? Pie 'n' chips all round! Del Now I explained all that Corinne, didn't I? The fridge went on the blink and all the goodies went manky! Corinne And what about our three-tier wedding cake? Del Yeah, well, that was in the fridge with all the other gear! I mean the icing melted, it dripped everywhere! Rodney Yeah, yeah, that's true Corinne, by the end of the week it looked like a big candle! Del (To Denzil) I thought you said she'd for- gotten about all this! Corinne How can I forget it? I have to live with that wedding album! The rest of my life. How many times have you seen a picture of a bride and groom cutting a jam sponge? Rodney Oh be fair, Corinne, be fair. He only got that at the 11th hour, otherwise it could have been an eccles cake! Corinne You want 'em to do the decorat- ing then you let 'em. But I promise you this Denzil, if anything goes wrong I'll make you wish your mother had had a headache the night you was conceived! Corinne exits to the kitchen, slamming the door behind her. Del She's a little treasure ain't she? Come on Rodney, let's leave the love-birds alone! Talking about birds, you just make sure that Buzzby's in the kitchen tomorrow 'cos of the paint fumes. Leave the key under the mat! Cheer up Denzil, you know it makes sense! Come on, let's get out of here. THE HALL. Del and Rodney exit from the flat. Del That'll keep us out of trouble for a couple of days! CORRIDOR. Rodney Look, I know I'm white, but I'm no whiter than anyone else! Del You are, you're whiter than Denzil. Rodney Kunta Kinte's whiter than Denzil! Del Here, we might be able to earn a couple of bob out of this. Rodney How? Del Now listen, you'd do very well in one of them Mickey Mouse séances! You know where you have to appear through a thin veil of gauze. You could say, 'I am Rodney, the anaemic ghost.' Rodney Del, Del! Rodney snatches Del's cap from his head and exits through the main doors. Del What, oi, that's my hat. You saucy little git. Del exits. Del (OOV) Oh no, it's gone under a bus now!! I'll put you under that ruddy bus... INT. DENZIL'S HALL. DAY. Del, not dressed for any form of work, enters the living room followed by Rodney and Grandad in white overalls, carrying dust sheets, ladders, etc. Grandad They ain't got a serving hatch have they? Del No, no, it's alright, don't worry! Alright, come on Rodney. Now get them dust sheets - all over this furniture, will you. Grandad switches the TV on and sits in the armchair. Del helps himself to an apple from the fruit bowl. Rodney Hey, look Corinne's left a note! 'Leave the TV alone, don't eat the fruit and stay out of the kitchen.' Del Leave the TV alone and don't eat the fruit! What sort of people does she think we are? Rodney Yeah, she's got us tagged all wrong ain't she! Del 'Ere, look at the time, it's half past nine, come on Rodney, put the kettle on, we'll have a cup of tea. Rodney Del, she said stay out of the kitchen! Now I reckon you're taking liberties! Grandad Well, everyone's entitled to a cup of tea Rodney, I mean, it's in the Magna Carta or something! Rodney exits into the kitchen. Del That's right taking liberties, I ask yer...'Ere, while you're out there have a look in the cupboard an' see if there are any Jaffa cakes going. (To Grandad) Go on, go on, don't worry Grandad - we'll soon have this job finished! Grandad Yeah, soon as Rodney pulls his finger out! Del Yeah. INT. DENZIL'S LIVING ROOM. DAY. Rodney and Grandad are up the ladders. Del is in the arm- chair, his feet up on another chair, and dialing the last few digits on the phone. Rodney If this gets a bit much for you Del have a nice sit down, eh? Del Yes, alright, alright, Rodney, thank...Go on, get going, get going, we'll never have finished at this... (On phone) Hello Ginger? Del Boy! How are you going my son? Oh no, we're all fine, no we're absolutely fine 'ere. Well, Rodney's looking a bit pale. Apart from that we're alright. How's the family? Oh triffic! Grandad Ginger? Who's he talking to, Ginger Ted? Rodney Yeah it sounds like it. Grandad Has he come back from Canada then? Del What's the weather like out there? Rodney No. Del The time. It's just gone 'alf past ten! No. What, is it really? Cor, go on. No I'll tell you what, no, you go back to sleep, yeah, I'll give you a bell tomorrow, alright. And I'll leave it a bit later like. Yeah, alright, see yer pal! (Replaces receiver) Cor look at that, it's marvelous ain't it, eh? All the way to Vancouver and it's as clear as a bell, yeah, well, it's modern space technology innit! I've just been bounced off a satellite! Grandad If Corinne finds out she'll bounce you off Chelsea Bridge! Del Oi you, where's my tea? Rodney What tea? Del Well I asked you about an hour ago to put the kettle on to have a cup of Darjeeling, remember? Rodney Oh Gawd, yeah, I forgot all about it. (Realising) Bloody hell, I left the kettle on the gas!! Del Oh stone me Rodney, I don't know what's the matter with him sometimes, he seems to live in a world of his own! KITCHEN. Grandad Here Del. Del What? Grandad Supposing the steam starts the wallpaper peeling. Del Oh that's charming that, isn't it. We come round here to do the living room and end up stripping the kitchen! Rodney Oh Del, I can hardly breathe! Del You may not ever breathe again if this wallpaper's ruined! Del weaves the steam away with his arms. Del (cont'd) Oh look, condensation is everywhere! Quick, get me a cloth! Grandad Yeah I'll open the window. Del That's right, go on Grandad. If we tidy this place up maybe she might never notice! Rodney She might notice the kettle! Rodney holds up the kettle to show a hole has been burnt in the bottom of it. Del Gordon Bennett, I don't believe it! Put it back. Say nothing. She might blame Denzil. Grandad Del Boy, come and have a look at this! Del No, we're busy Grandad! Rodney Look, I'm sorry about all this Del, it's just what with all the other work in there and then you... Del Alright, alright, alright, Rodney. It's no good going on. It's just one of them things. Accidents will happen you know. Rodney Yeah, cheers. Grandad Del, Del look. It's the bird... The canary is lying dead at the bottom of the cage. Grandad (cont'd) He don't look very well to me! Del That is most probably due to the fact Grandad that he is stone-dead. You dozy little twonk Rodney. Rodney Hold on, just now you said it was n easy mistake to make!! Del Yeah, it is if you're stupid. Rodney It might not be completely dead! Del It might not be completely dead, it's just been sautéed! What is Corinne gonna say when she comes back and finds out what you have done to her little pet?? Rodney Well I wouldn't mind seeing her face when she gets her next telephone bill. Grandad Look at this big hole you've made in the kettle!! Rodney Well, it's not as big as the hole you made in them Jaffa Cakes is it! Del Will you two pack it in! We've gotta think of a way out of this! Rodney I've got it! I've got it, we could say it was caused by paint fumes! Del Paint fumes? Paint fumes. When Corinne comes back in here she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried canary at the bottom of that cage! And we're gonna say paint fumes. Rodney Yeah, you're right! Del I'll tell you what we'll do, Rodney and I, we'll try and clear this place up! Grandad, I want you to go down the High Street and I want you to get a packet of Jaffa Cakes and a canary. Grandad Where do I get a canary from? Rodney Why don't you try the boot mender's! Grandad Don't you get saucy Rodney, you ain't too big to get a slap round the head! Del Oi, oi, will you stop it you two. We haven't got much time now, go on. Grandad Well, how much is a canary? Del Well how the bleedin' hell do I know? (Hands Grandad a wad of notes) Here, look, take the lot. Go on and make sure you don't get mugged! And make sure...And make sure you get a canary - you know and a yellow one! Rodney Yeah, we don't want a budgie or a parrot! Grandad No, you want a canary don't you? Del Yes! Alright, write it down for him Rodney! Write it down. Grandad It's alright Del, I'll remember! Yellow canary. Del Go on and hurry up then! Grandad A yellow canary - a yellow canary...yellow canary. Grandad exits. Rodney Well I suppose it could have been worse. Del Could it? Rodney Well if you're gonna be like that, no! Del I'll tell you what we're gonna do, right. If we clean this place up, polish the kettle, put a new canary in the cage, maybe Corinne won’t suspect anything! Grandad's the one that worries me! Rodney How d'you mean? Del Oh, it's I've got this feeling in the pit of my stomach, he's gonna come back with a goldfish! INT. THE PET SHOP. DAY. The sign on the pet shop door reads: 'L. Lombardi.' Grandad enters the shop. Grandad Louis! I need a canary, quick! Louis Hey Grandad, it's a long time, eh? You sit down or a while. Grandad No. I ain't got time. Louis You want a drink? Grandad No, I want a canary! This is an emergency. Louis Emergency? I've never sold an emergency canary before! I'll tell you what I've got for you, I gotta lovely green- finch. She's beautiful! Grandad No, I want a canary! Louis You want a bird of paradise? Grandad Is it a canary? Louis No! Grandad Well I don't want it then! Louis Alright, alright, stay calm, now please what do you want? Grandad I want a canary! Louis He wants a canary, I've only got one canary! Grandad I'll take it. Louis No, no. It's not as simple as that! This is my canary! This is Arturo, he's my own pet! Louis holds up the canary in a cage. Grandad Can't you sell him? Louis No, he's been with me or years! He's like one of the family, he's my own flesh and blood! Grandad I'll give you fourty-five pounds! Louis (Without hesitation) Okee Dokee, Ciao Arturo! EXT. HIGH STREET/PET SHOP. DAY Grandad exits with a huge cage covered with a blanket or cloth. Corinne approaches. Corinne Hello Grandad! Grandad (Hiding the cage behind his back) Oh, hello Corinne love. Smashing weather ain't it? Corinne Yeah! I thought you was back at the flat? Grandad I am. What I mean is I just popped out to get something to eat! You going home straight away? Corinne No I've got a bit more shop- ping to do. Grandad Oh good! Well, I'll see you back there later love. He backs away from her keeping the cage from her view while grinning in a 'things couldn't be better' manner. INT. DENZIL'S KITCHEN. DAY. The new canary is in its cage. Rodney and Grandad study it intensely. Del is more concerned with money. Del That thing cost fifty quid? Grandad Yeah. I mean, they was much cheaper in my day and age. Del I thought they was much cheaper in this day and age... I mean for 50 sovs you could at least have got a bigger one! Rodney No, no, 'cos then Corinne would have known the difference. You see to us it's just a canary, but to her it's a personal friend. We ought to double check it you know make sure it ain't got no distinguishing features! Del You mean like freckles or a birthmark? Rodney Del if this one is different she'll twig it straight away! Del Grandad, go down the vet's and see if you can get his dental records. Grandad gets up to leave. Del (cont'd) Sit down, sit down. (To Rodney) Look soppy, unless the other one had got a dimple in its chin and a beer gut, no one's gonna be none the wiser! Now, come on, let's get back in that other room and make it look as though we've done something today!! LIVING ROOM. They hear a key in the front door. Del That's her, quick, go on get up the stairs. Grandad, against the wall, go on. That's it, go on, go on. That's the way Rodney, lots of care! That's right, I want this to be a 100 per cent luxurious job! I want this place to look like a palace for Denzil and Corinne when the... (Corinne has entered) Oh, hello Corinne, how are you sweetheart? Corinne I'm fine thanks. Del Good. Corinne D'you want a cup of tea? The Trotters No!! Corinne Alright, don't bite my head off, I only asked if you wanted a cup of tea! Del No, no, it's alright, Corinne. No it's just that we're like Magnus Mackeson, you know we've tarted so we'll finish! Grandad Yeah, it's sort of personal pride with us Trotters. Corinne Okay, please yourselves! Corinne exits to the kitchen. Rodney She's gonna twig it, I know she is! Del No Rodney, just, you know, just have faith in me will yer! There is no way in a million years that she's gonna suspect... Corinne exits from the kitchen, stunned. Corinne What's happened to my canary? Del On the other hand. Grandad What's up love? Del Listen to me, listen to me, if that thing's laid an egg I'm gonna kill you! They follow her to the kitchen where she is standing by the cage. The Trotters gather round. The canary is hopping merrily from perch to perch. Corinne Look! Grandad Well, he seems alright to me love! Rodney Yeah look at him he's hopping about all over the place like a good 'un! Corinne Yeah, I know, but when I woke up this morning he was dead! INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. A few hours later. The Trotters are seated at the table. The atmosphere is all doom and gloom. Del I never did like that Corinne. Grandad No, fancy chucking us out like that. Del Yeah, I mean what did she expect? How many decorating firms does she know that give you a free canary with every job? Rodney I shouldn't imagine there's many Del! Del No. And was she satisfied? I said, was she satisfied? Rodney and Grandad No! Del No, of course she wasn't. Grandad I mean, why didn't she just bury the thing this morning? Rodney She was too upset weren't she? That's why she was waiting for Denzil to come home! Del She could of at least told us it was laying in state in the kitchen? Rodney She wasn't there was she! That's why she left the note! 'Please do not go in the kitchen.' Look she ain't blaming us for the demise of Buzzby. I think what really got up her nose was when she went to make a cup of coffee and flooded the kitchen! Del She turned own my offer of a brand-new kettle! Didn't she? Rodney Didn't have a tenner on her! Del She could have paid on the weekly! Brendan enters. Brendan Are you alright Del? Del Yeah, hello Brendan. Brendan Rodney? Grandad D'you reckon he knows Del Boy? Del No. Corinne's not the sort to broadcast it. Brendan I taught I taw a puddytat a cweeping up on me! Del Mouthy cow! Brendan I was talking to Eye-talian Louis, he told me he sold you a flea-bitten canary for forty-five pounds. Del Fourty-five? Grandad What did I say then Del? Del What did you say! Brendan Don't worry Del, I've taken over the job at Denzil's flat. But it'll cost him a bit more now you amateurs have been playing around with it! Brendan moves off. Del Do you know what Rodney, if that Brendan wasn't so big, I'd give him a right seeing to! Rodney Yeah, so would I. Grandad Well you're as tall as he is, Rodney. Rodney Well you can't hit a man of that age can you. The new governor arrives at the bar collecting glasses. Mike You alright gents? How are you? Del Oh, you must be the new governor? Mike That's right, Mike Fisher, pleased to meet you. Del Hello Mike, Del Trotter, people may have mentioned m. Mike Yes they certainly have! Del Well I'm a popular character round these parts. 'Ere Mike, could you just tell me is it true that the brewery are gonna have this place decorated? Mike Yeah, that's right, in the very near future. Del Is it also true that mouth al- mighty over there has got the contract? Mike Well, let's say he's favourite, his estimate's by far the lowest. Rodney How much is he doing it for? Mike Oh come on, it's confidential isn't it. Del No, no it's not, no come on. Brendan and I, well I mean, we're like that! Mike I don't suppose it matters who knows, he's bragging about it himself now. He reckons he'll do it for a grand. Del A grand? And who decides which estimate to accept? Mike I do. Del Michael, could I have a word in your shell-like... (Grins as a scheme is born) I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son! I could get this pub decorated to exactly the same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere two thousand pounds! Rodney Two thousand pounds? Grandad (Sarcastically) That must be a tempting offer, eh, Rodney? Rodney Yeah, well, he's a born businessman ain't he? Mike No hang about, hang about - look why should I turn down an offer of a thousand and except one of two thousand? Del Because of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit-sharing scheme! Let me explain how it works. The two thousand pounds would be dispersed thus: there would be five hundred pounds for vous and five hundred pounds for me. Mike What you mean I get 500 quid? Del Oh yes! Mike Yeah, and what happens to the thousand that's left over? Del We give that to the Irishman and let him do then job! Mike You've got a deal Mr Trotter! Del Thank you Michael. (To Brendan) Can I have a word? Who's a pretty boy then?

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