Only Fools And Horses


THE NAG'S HEAD PUB. The pub is very crowded with teenagers and Del-types. Pop music is playing very loudly. We cut away to where Rodney and Mickey Pearce are standing. They both wear their suits and are eyeing a couple of girls. Mickey What d' you reckon then? Rodney They're alright ain't they! Don't 'alf look alike. Mickey They're identical twins! Rodney Yeah, which one d' you fancy? Mickey I'm easy! Rodney Are you sure that's not one bird sitting next to a mirror? Mickey No they're sisters or some- thing, they've been here before! G'on then! Rodney What? Mickey Say something! Rodney What? Mickey I don't know! Anything! Rodney Like what? Mickey Just say the first thing that comes into your head. It's easy! Rodney Alright then, if it's so easy, you say something. Mickey What? Rodney Anything. It's easy! Mickey Alright then I will. Rodney Well go'n then! Mickey I will... (Calls across to the girls) Oi! (To Rodney) There you are. Rodney Was that it? Mickey Yeah! Rodney Oi?? Mickey Yeah! Rodney You're a right little John Travolta when you get going ain't yer Mickey! Mickey They looked didn't they? Rodney Of course they looked, someone just shouted 'Oi' at them! Mickey Hold up, they're looking over here. Rodney Hello, I think we've cracked it Mickey my son! Del appears out of the crowd. Del Watcha Rodders, alright Mickey my son? Who you two after? Not the gruesome twosome are you? Mickey They're alright! Del Alright? Look, they're so ugly they even look alike! Rodney Del! They happen to be two sisters! Del Sisters! (Calls) Oi girls, seen much of Cinderella since the wedding? (He laughs) Cinderella! Ugly sisters. That's a good 'un innit Rodders, eh? Anyway, look, I won't hang about 'cos I don't wanna spoil your chances! Del starts talking to someone across the pub. Del (cont'd) Hello darling! You alright? Are you still working at Sainsbury's? (To Rodney) See you. Just a minute. From the moment Del called to the girls, Rodney and Mickey have been staring ahead in stunned silence as their last chance was flushed own the pan. Rodney I'll see you Tuesday then? Mickey See you Tuesday! A STREET. NIGHT. Rodney is wandering down the street singing quietly to himself. A woman is seated rather unsteadily on a garden wall. She is about 45, heavily made up with peroxide blonde hair. She is obviously bemoaning her fortune. Rodney approaches Woman (Singing) 'You made me love you. I didn't want to do it...' Rodney You okay love? Woman Who is it? Rodney Shall I phone you a cab? Woman No - there'll be a bus along in a minute my lovely! Rodney No, no, ain't got no buses going along here. No, they cut the route in about 1973! I'll get you a nice taxi, eh? Woman No, no, I shall be alright! The woman stands but then stumbles. Rodney puts his hand out to steady her. Rodney Careful! Woman What you doing? Rodney I'm just steadying you that's all! Woman You touched me! Rodney Eh? Woman I've read about your sort! Rodney Hey, hold on, I was just trying to stop you from fall- ing flat on your face! Woman I'll have the police on you! You touched me. Rodney No, I didn't, honest! Woman (Calls) Help! Rodney (Panicking) What you doing? Don't shout! Woman You touched me! Rodney No, no, it's alright 'cos I'm a doctor! Woman You're not a doctor! Rodney I am, I am really! Alright - say 'ah!' Woman (Loudly) Aaaahhhh! Rodney No, not that loud! Bloody hell! Look, I tell you what I'm just going back to the van right, to get a thermometer! Alright listen! Rodney sprints up the street. Woman (Screaming) Help, help! Rape! Rape! Help! Help! THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Grandad exits from the kitchen carrying a plate containing a fried breakfast. Grandad (Calls) Del Boy, your breakfast's ready! Del (OOV) Yeah, hang on a minute! (Calls) Come on Rodney shake a leg, six o' clock! Del enters, washed, dressed and ready for the kill. Grandad It's on the table. Grandad exits back into the kitchen. Del Nothing like a traditional British breakfast is there? Grandad (OOV) That's right. Del Gordon Bennett. Why don't you try cooking one every now and then? Blimey, it looks like a bad day at the Blue Cross. Grandad enters with a pot of tea. Grandad Were you two alright last night? Del Yeah, of course, why? Grandad Well, when Rodney came in he was behaving very strangely. He was all trembling and sweating. Del No, he's probably alright, don't worry, it's just the start of the mating season. Grandad No Del - something's up. Ainít you eating that? Del No, Grandad, see I'm on a diet. Grandad (Calls) Rodney, your breakfast's ready. Rodney enters. He looks tired. Del Alright Rodders? Rodney What d'you mean 'alright?' Del Nothing - nothing, just alright Rodders? Rodney Yeah, fine why shouldn't I be alright? Del No reason. I just said like, alright Rodders. Like I say, you know, alright every morning donít I? Rodney Yeah, sorry! Del That's alright, what did you do when you left the pub last night? Rodney What makes you think I did something? Del Gordon Bennett! No, I mean, I just asked you like if you went on anywhere? If, you met anyone or anything? Rodney No! No, I didn't. I come straight home. Didn't meet anyone, didn't talk to anyone, a very uneventful journey! Del That's alright, as long as you enjoyed yourself! Go on, get that down, come on, we've got to get away early. Got to pick up the van from the Nag's Head. Rodney Why? Del Ah, well, when we fell out the pub last night the whole area was teeming with the Old Bill! I mean, they were all there. There was the Flying Squad, alsatians and the SGB! Anyway, I thought to myself, I thought, there's no way I'm driving home through that lot. Not with me like being as soppy as a sack, so I, you know, I got a cab! Rodney Did they have a clear descrip- tion of him? Del Who? Rodney The man they were after? Del Who said they were after a man? Rodney Oh, I just assumed they were looking for someone that's all. Del, now suspicious, looks to Grandad. Grandad See what I mean? Del Yeah! Alright Rodney, come on sit down. Something bothering you ain't there? Rodney No! Del Has somebody threatened you? If they have, you tell me their name and I'll go and sort them out before we go to the market! Rodney It's nothing like that! Grandad You might as well tell us sooner rather than later Rodney. It'll save a lot of time! Rodney Oh it's probably nothing! My journey home last night was not as uneventful as I made out! There was this woman! Well, she weren't feeling very well, see! I don't know what was wrong with her but she stunk of booze! So I stopped, right, to ask if she wanted any assistance, and - and she started acting all sort of odd! Del Odd? Rodney Yeah...Um, screaming shouting things! Grandad What kind of things? Rodney Oh, things like 'Rape!' you know, that sort of thing! So to try and reassure her and calm her down - I told her I was a doctor! Del and Grandad are left open-mouthed. Del You told her you were a...You, you didn't give her a prescription or nothing did you? Rodney Oh no, nothing like that! Grandad Why was she accusing you of these things? Rodney Well, I think 'cos at one point right she - she stumbled forward. So I put my hands out to know. I didn't touch her! Well no, obviously I did touch her, but I didn't, you know, honestly! Del squeezes Rodney's shoulder as a way of re-assurance. Del Alright. Alright, okay, take it nice and easy right. This is gonna take a bit of working out! Grandad What did this woman look like? Del as his back to the others. As Rodney gives his description Del has a growing smile that shows he knows the identity of the woman. Rodney Well she was blonde, 45 and her hair had black roots and, er, purple fingernails and she was really heavily made-up. Del Did she call you 'My lovely? Rodney Yes! D'you know her? Del No, no, no, you didn't catch her - you didn't catch her name or nothing did you? Rodney Oh she was wearing an identity necklace that said something like - Blossom... Del mouths the word 'Blossom' in time with Rodney. He now has to pinch his nose to stop himself laughing. Rodney Del, honestly, I did not touch her I swear to God. Del, trying to control his laughter, forces a serious expression. Del You expect me to believe that? Rodney Yes! Del Alright, let's go through the facts shall we! After a night's drinking, on your way home you meet a sick woman! And, instead of phoning for an ambulance like any right- minded citizen, you touch her! What do you think you've got, healing hands? Rodney I don't believe you're saying this to me!! Del No, no, no, this is not me Rodney! That is what the council for the prosecution will say during his cross- examination! Rodney You don't think it will go to court? Grandad Oh it's a pound to a penny Rodney. I mean, the police don't let matters like this drop lightly! Del No, Old Bailey would be my bet! The case of the Peckham Pouncer! Rodney Who called me the Peckham Pouncer? Del Look, the police did last night! You see at the time, well, I didn't think nothing of it! Del bites his top lip to stop himself from laughing. Grandad Why don't you give yourself up Rodney? Rodney I'm not giving myself up! What? You ever seen some of them detectives give someone the third degree on the telly? Well, one of them pretends he really wants to bet you up bad, right, and the other pretends to be Mr Nice! So it' know. Grandad Yeah p'rhaps you're right. After all, you've got form ain't yer! I mean, you still ain't finished that two year suspended yet! Rodney No! I'd forgotten about that! Del It's the others what worry me! Grandad What others? Del Well, last night there were mobs of vigilantes roaming the street and they were shouting things like 'Lynch him! Lynch him!! At the time, I didn't think nothing of it you know! Rodney Well maybe it would be better if I did give myself up then 'cos all they've got is circumstantial evidence. Del Circumstantial? A sick woman is attacked at night by a known criminal posing as a doctor! Rodney D'you know what they'd call me if I went in the nick? I'd be a beast! Del A beast? Rodney Well, that's what the other prisoners call people like me! Everywhere I went the walls would be whispering 'Beast, Beast.' There'd be posses of them waiting for me in the shower room, there'd be razors in me soap, there'd be broken glass in me porridge. Grandad Oh you'll soon learn to adapt Rodney! Rodney No, it's not fair Del! I swear to God I didn't touch her. I was only trying to help! Del Alright Rodney, alright. Now come on. Take it easy - relax - alright. Now listen, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I want to go out, put me ear to the ground, see what I can find out! In the meantime I want you to go and get some kip and, above all, stop worrying! Rodney Yeah. I'm innocent Del. Honest! Del I believe you! Grandad So do I Rodney! Rodney exits the room. Grandad (cont'd) D'you reckon he done it Del? Del Leave it out Grandad! All he's down, he's bumped into Blossom that's all! Grandad I don't understand you? Del Well she's well-known for this sort of thing! She's as nutty as a fruit cake. She spends most of her time in the Happy Home, they only let her out at weekends to get a bit of practice! Grandad You mean she's always accusing blokes of doing this sort of thing? Del Yeah, it's her hobby! She's well known to the police. Grandad But why didn't you tell young Rodney? Del What, and spoil all the fun? No way. I'm gonna wind him right up with this! By this time tomorrow evening I'll have him believing that all these flats are under siege! Grandad You wanna be a bit careful Del Boy! A joke's a joke but you never know when to stop! What about that April Fool's day! You told me the pools had rung to say I'd won 'alf a million! Del Yeah that was a belter weren't it! Grandad Oh wonderful! But you could have least stopped me going up West with me pension money! Del is convulsed with laughter. Grandad (cont'd) Oh it wasn't funny Del. I mean there was I, in a Soho night- club drinking champagne, and I suddenly realised I didn't even do the bloody pools! Del Stop it! THE NAG'S HEAD. NIGHT. Del, Trigger and Boycie are seated at a table playing cards. Del is shuffling the cards. They are laughing. Del You should have seen his little face! It was a picture. I wish I'd had a camera! Trigger How could he swallow that, eh? Del Well, you know Rodney don't you. He said he was thinking of forming an appeal committee! I said you've no need to worry about that. You ought to form an escape committee I said. Trigger I thought that everyone round here knew what Old Blossom was like...She accused my cousin once! Del Who's that, young Sidney? Trigger No, Marilyn! There again, Marilyn's always been a bit of a Tom Boy! Boycie Oh yeah, it was a crew cut, braces and a pipe last time I saw her! Del She still up at Greenham Common? Here, you playing Trigger or what? Trigger No, I'll be away in a minute! Boycie Of course, this Blosom person is completely loopy you know! Oh yes, I don't think they should be allowed out! Del Oh yeah, why's that? Boycie Well they might be a danger to the public! Trigger Still selling them second-hand cars Boycie? Boycie Oh yeah, I knocked out a couple tod...of course, I 'ave heard she receives electroyde treatment, you know. Oh yes, every three months or so they take her away and plug her head into the National Grid! The lights have been known to dim as far away as Watford! Trigger Yeah but they reckon she's as sane as anyone when they're finished! Boycie Yeah, until she gets her electric bill! Karen Del - there's a call for you. Del Oh excuse me chaps won't be a moment. Oh Karen, can we have three large scotches - Boycie's round. Trigger Oh cheers, Boycie. Del (On phone) Hello? Oh hello Grandad! You what...What about Rodney? What d'you mean he's gone on the run? Why? Oh leave it off, Grandad it was just a joke! Yeah alright, alright now don't - don't panic, he'll be home when he's hungry and he wants something to eat...Oh has he! Alright, alright Grandad, I'll tell you what I'll do, I'll go and have a look round for him and I'll be home in about an hour! Yeah, alright, bye. Trigger What's up Del? Del It's that dipstick Rodney. He's only gone on the run ain't he. Reckons he's found a secret hiding place! Trigger Where? Del Well how do I know? If I knew where it was it wouldn't be a secret would it, eh? Trigger No, I meant there must be a clue! Del Yeah, well, he left a note saying it's no good trying to find him 'cos he'd be in the last place anyone would think of looking for him! Boycie Have you tried under his bed? Trigger He'll be home as soon as he gets hungry! Del No he won't, Grandad reckons he's taken all the tinned food from the cupboard! Trigger So, what are you gonna do then Del? Del I don't know Trigger, I just don't know! Boycie Ain't you got nothing in the freezer then? Boycie laughs. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. It is the following morning. Del enters. He is tired and unshaven. Grandad enters from the kitchen. Grandad Any luck Del? Del Na, no sign of him Grandad! Grandad Where did you look? Del I've been everywhere! I've been traipsing round Charing Cross, Soho, Leicester Square! Oh, you want to see what it's like up there in the early hours Grandad! It's like the end of the world! It's full of drug addicts, glue- sniffers, winos! D'you know what, if a nightingale sang now in Berkeley Square someone would eat it! Grandad Bad night, eh Del? Del Yeah, very bad? You know I've been offered everything from 50 quid for me passport to a plate of Magic Mushrooms! (Sniffs) You cooking something? Grandad No! Del What's that horrible smell then? Sweet and sickly! Grandad Oh, perhaps it's this after- shave I've got on! Del Gordon Bennett! Where d'you get that from? Grandad Out of your room! Del Well, that can't be it then can it! Grandad Oh, I know the smell you're talking about. It was here last night, everyone in the flats was moaning about it! Here, why don't you get some sleep Del Boy! Del No, I'll be alright Grandad. I'll have a cup of tea and have another punt round for him! Where can he be? Grandad I had a note from him here somewhere, he said he's in the last place you'll ever think of looking! Del Yeah I know I remember! You have looked under his bed haven't yer? Grandad First place I checked! Grandad opens a drawer on the sideboard and looks inside. Del Yeah. Well he's hardly likely to be in that bloody drawer is he? Grandad I'm looking for the note! Now don't you get funny with me Del, this is your fault, you and your silly jokes! Del I know, I was gonna tell him this morning! Grandad Well you could have told him yesterday. Instead of that you sat there playing your Johnny Cash Live at San Quentin LP! Del Alright, don't go on at me - don't go on. I feel bad enough as it is! What is that smell? I've smelt it before some- where! Grandad I know, so did I. Del When? Grandad I told you! Last night! Del No, no, no, before that. Grandad It seems to be coming from the ventilation system! Del Grandad, go and get them chicken legs at the fridge! I think I know where Rodney's hiding. THE TANK ROOM. A massive water tank stands on a concrete base. Fitted into the tank is a tap. The room echoes. The door opens and Del enters carrying a hold-all. Del Rodney! Rodney, it's Del Boy! Rodney I know you're here! Rodney don't be a plonker all your life! Listen I can explain everything there's nothing to be frightened of! I've got - got some scotch here, something to eat! Rodney is crouched down on the far side of the water tank. He is disheveled and has two days of stubble on his chin. He is also terrified. Beside him is a pile of tinned food, unopened. As he tries to shift a few inches further back he knocks one of the tins over. Rodney Meow. Del smiles at the pathetic cat imitation. Del Or if you prefer I could get a saucer of milk? Come on, least we can talk about it cant we? Rodney is beginning to weaken. Behind him is a sheet of metal, which he accidentally catches and falls to the ground with an almighty echoing clatter. Del Oi! That is you innit Rodney? Rodney No, it's that cat again! Del appears round the tank. Rodney appears above it. Del You had me going there for a minute, know what I mean? Rodney How did you know I was here? Del I know a lot of things Rodney! Like I know you've bin smoking your funny fags again! Rodney No I ain't Del, honest I ain't touch...Well, a couple! Del I tell you that was the give- away you see. The smell from your exotic tobacco has been wafting down the air ducts! There's not a man, woman or child that isn't high as a kite! Rodney You're kidding? Del No I'm not. If you stand out- side this tower block all you can hear is giggling! Grandad's calling everybody 'Man'. Thinking of growing his hair in dreadlocks! Rodney Is Grandad okay? Del Yeah he's alright. Worried about you though. What are you doing up here? Rodney Nothing much! There's not a lot to do in a tank room Del. I mean you can look at the view but that gets a bit boring after eight hours or so. Del In wasn't - wasn't asking about your activities. I was speaking meteorically. What you playing at? Rodney Playing at! Well, Del this is a little game called 'Not Going to Prison'! The rules are ever so easy you know. All you gotta do is find yourself a place to hide and stay there till you die! Del Don't reckon it will catch on Rodney! Rodney You could be right there Del, but I'll tell you something, if necessary I will shoot my way out of this room. Del Oh so while you've been up here, you've made yourself a gun have you? Rodney Well, I'll throw tins at 'em then! Del Yeah, well, you could get an empty can couldn't you... (Indicating water tank) know and you could like, splash 'em to death! Rodney I ain't had nothing to eat since I've been up here! Del Why's that, you been too frightened? Rodney No, I forgot the tin-opener! Del Well why didn't you pop down for it! Rodney Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin -opener! Anyway, going without food ain't so bad! People like us are used to it! Del Oh come on. Don't give me all that James Cagney stuff! 'Look at me Ma! I'm on top of the World Ma! Look I'm in the tank room Ma!' Rodney Why don't you shut up! Del unzips the hold-all and hands Rodney a couple of chicken legs. Del You hungry? Rodney Yeah. Del Here you are. Get that down your neck. Rodney Oh cheers, Del, great. Oi, have the police been round to question you and Grandad yet? Del Er, no! Rodney Good! Good! That means they ain't on me trail yet, gives me a bit of time! Del Yeah, Rodney, I've got to explain something like - well, this is sort of like, confession time! You know that woman you met, Blossom. Rodney Yeah? Del Well she's mad, Rodney! Rodney I'm not with you. Del She's mad you know. She's well -known to the Old Bill. They don't take no notice of her. Rodney No - you're lying to me. Del No, no, I'm not. No I'm not, look - look, cross my heart, swear to die. You remember old man Corby, well a couple weeks ago she accused him of assaulting her! Well, I mean, he was so surprised he nearly fell off his wheelchair! Rodney Alright then. Alright then. You explain this to me then, what were all them police doing outside the pub that night? Del That was the - that was the mod and the skinheads, they were at it in the kebab house! Terrible scenes, for all I could hear. I mean there was chairs going through the windows, there was chilli sauce up the wall, then some- body knocked over a frying pan and the staff rest room went up in flames! Rodney No, I don't believe you Del, you're just trying to get me to come quietly! Del No I'm not. (Pointing out of the window) Look go on then, go on - look out - look out there look, go on. Now, you see the kebab house? Rodney No! Del Exactly, it ain't there no more! What further proof do you need? Rodney No Del, I don't understand this! You mean there's been no photofit pictures, no house-to- house searches, no public outcry? Del No, none at all! Here, look, d'you want some water with yer scotch? Rodney No! Del offers Rodney the scotch. Rodney ignores it. Del fills the glass up with water from the tap. Rodney (cont'd) Then why did you tell me I'd go away for ten years as a special category prisoner, that they'd nicknamed me the Peckham Pouncer? That there were gangs of men roaming the street looking to hang me from the nearest lamp post! Del For a laugh! Rodney A laugh? Del Yeah, it was just a bit of a wind up that's all? Rodney Del, I haven't slept, I'm starving hungry and I've been freezing my - boots off in this tank room because of your wind up! Del You take things too seriously, that's your trouble Rodney! Rodney I'm gonna kill you! Del No, no, no, don't be silly! Rodney No, really, I mean it. I'm gonna kill you right now! Del Now just a minute! Just a minute. Alright now, I realise that I took the joke too far! And I should have told you earlier, and I'm - I'm sorry Rodney, I really am! Rodney I'm still gonna kill you! Del I've been all over London looking for you! I've been in more doss-houses than a tramp's vest! Rodney So that's where you were going so late that night, eh? I saw you drive off! Del You saw me. Why didn't you say something? Rodney Del, I'm a desperate man on the run! I can hardly lean out and go 'Ooh oooh, Del!' Del No, I s'pose you can't. Listen Rodney, I feel - you know, I feel really sorry for all the aggro that I've caused you. I'd like to try and make it up to you, let's say I take you out and I buy you a big slap up meal, eh? Rodney Yeah? Del Yeah, with the wine, all the works! Rodney I mean look at these clothes! Del That's alright. Come on I'll buy you a new suit. Rodney Yeah! Del Yeah. Rodney Yeah, but then I'd look silly, you know brand- new suit and these dirty old plimsoles! Del Don't you bloody come it Rodney! Come on, come here. Come on I'll buy a new pair of rhythm an' blues as well! How's that? Rodney Yeah, alright! Del That's a good boy - good boy, you know it makes sense, don't you! Rodney (Holds up his glass for a toast) All in the past, eh? Del (Clinks his glass) All in the past cheers! Rodney watches Del down his drink. Rodney Look at the state of me! Del Don't worry. You'll have a nice hot shower when you get down the flat! Rodney Oh, I don't fancy standing under that water Del. Not after what I've been doing in it! Del looks at the remains of his scotch and water. Del clutches at his stomach.

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