Only Fools And Horses

May The Force Be With You

INT. THE NAG'S HEAD. DAY Rodney and Trigger are leaning against the bar chatting. Sitting further along the bar, behind Trigger, is Slater. He is a Detective Inspector. Although he is in plain clothes, everything about him says 'Copper.' He is in his middle-to-late thirties. He has a snide and superior manner and is loathed and feared by both the small-time crooks and his colleagues in the Met. He is watching Trigger and Rodney intensely. Rodney Yeah. So, right I said to her, I said, 'Bernice'...I said... Trigger That her name is it? Rodney ...Yeah - Bernice! Yeah, Trigger, that's why I called her Bernice, you know. Trigger Right! Rodney I said, 'Don't play with me girl 'cos you are playing with fire. I said, 'Don't you dare try an' tie me down! Trigger She's into all that, is she? Rodney ...No, Trigger, I meant in a, you know, spiritual sort of way! I mean she's not - no - see, 'cos I'm a free agent Trigger. Wherever I lay my hat, right, that's my home! That's the sort of guy I am. Trigger Yeah...You got a hat now then have you Dave? Rodney No, no, Trigger it's a saying. You know. Anyway - Trigger I had a hat once! Rodney Yeah? So I could see she was upset you know. Trigger Someone nicked it at a party! Rodney Really? Yeah, well... She was crying, begging me not to leave her. Trigger And my return ticket in the brim. I had to walk all the way home from Plumstead! Rodney I'm gonna phone Del and see if he can come down for a drink. Rodney moves away towards the phone. Trigger What colour was your hat, Dave? Rodney Pink! Trigger Same here! Slater stands. As Rodney passes him their shoulders catch. Rodney Sorry! Slater (Quietly to himself) You will be if it happens again sonny. Trigger! Trigger (Alarmed) Oh! Er, watcha Roy! Long time, eh? What brings you round this way, I thought you were stationed in West London. Slater I missed you all didnít I? I got meself transferred back to the old parish. And it's not Roy any more. You can call me Mr Slater, Detective Inspector Slater, or just plain sir! Mine's a large scotch! Trigger Right! (Calls) A large scotch, love. Slater Know anything about a microwave oven? Trigger No, I'm no good with electrics and that! Slater I'm not asking you to mend the bleedin' thing am I! I'm talk- ing a stolen microwave oven! Someone lifted one off the back of a lorry in Lewisham Grove earlier on! Trigger Yeah? Tch, Some people! Slater Yeah, some people! So, what are you up to these days Trigger? Still doing a double- act with Monkey Harris? Trigger No, I ain't seen Monkey for ages. Slater And what about Boycie? Trigger Dunno, I ain't seen him for years! Slater Really! And how about my favourite man? (With hate and menace in his voice) How's good old Del Boy keeping? Trigger Haven't a clue, I ain't seen him for a long time! Slater No, you ain't seen much of anything lately, have yer? You ought to eat more carrots, Trig! Boycie enters. He strolls in his usual confident manner but, upon seeing Slater, he does a sharp turn and is about to rush out. Slater Well upon my soul! It's Boycie! Boycie Oh! Hello Roy. What a nice surprise! Slater And what a coincidence as well! Boycie Eh? Slater That you two should happen to be drinking in the same pub! I mean, how long is it since you last saw Trigger? Boycie Ooh, er, it must be... Trigger is holding up two fingers. Boycie (cont'd) least two months. Slater Trigger said years! Boycie Oh, yeah now you come to mention it, it must be two years! Time does fly, don't it? Slater Certainly does! seems like only yesterday I was pounding the beat around here. They were the good old days weren't they, eh? Trigger Triffic. Boycie Great. Slater How's Marlene these days? Boycie Oh, you know, still the same! Slater Is she? (Shakes his head sadly) Dear, dear, dear.... I heard that you're dabbling in the video game! Boycie Oh yeah. It's just a side-line, you know. Slater I heard a whisper that your flogging pirate tapes. Boycie Yeah, Treasure Island, Mutiny on the Bounty. Slater I'm surprised to hear Del Boy's still at the same place. Boycie Yeah, still there! Oh, he's er thinking of moving though. Trigger Emigrating actually. Slater Emigrating? Yes, I bet these developing nations must be crying out for fly-pitchers! Boycie Well, I must be off! Slater So soon? After all these years I'd have thought you two would have a lot to talk about! Boycie Yeah, well, we do, but, uh, I have just seen a business acquaintance of mine. (Calls) Hello Rodney! Well, see yer Roy. Boycie moves away from the bar. Slater Yeah, see yer Boycie. Give my love to Marlene! Everyone else used to!...Rodney? Weren't Del's kid brother called Rodney? Trigger Oh, I don't know Mr Slater. Slater No, you're deaf, dumb and blind these days ain't yer! I bet you're a wizard on the pinball machine! Boycie (Shakes Rodney's hand warmly) Hello Rodney. Nice to see you again! Rodney Boycie! I was talking with you last night! Boycie Oh, were you, oh yeah, of course you were. Memory must be slipping. Well, take care of yourself, see you around! Boycie exits. Rodney Yeah, see yer Boycie! Slater Don't tell me... You're Del Boy's brother Rodney! Am I right? Rodney Yeah! Slater I was at school with Del, sat next to him in class. Haven't seen you since you was a little nipper. Rodney Really? What's your name? Slater Detec...Roy, Roy Slater! Rodney Roy Slater? No, no, I can't recall him mentioning it. Perhaps he called you by a nickname? Slater Yeah, knowing Del that's about it! Trigger Well I'm away now Mr. Slater. Slater Behave yourself Trigger. Well, well, well... Slater turns to face Rodney. Trigger, behind his back is gesturing to Rodney. Slater follows Rodney's eye- line and catches Trigger mid-act. Trigger tries to excuse his behaviour by pretending he has something in his eye. He turns and exits. Rodney What is up with everyone today? Slater They've been at the booze, ain't they? So - fancy bumping in to you! Shame Del Boy couldn't have made it. Rodney Well d'you know I've just this minute come off the phone to him. He was coming down for a swift one but he got involved with a bit off business, something to do with a microwave oven... Slater Is that right? Well, I'd loved to have met him again. It'd have been a real surprise for him! Rodney Well, I tell you what, why don't you come back to the flat and have a beer? Slater Could I? Oh, Well that would be smashing! Rodney Yeah, yeah, I'll go and give him a bell. Slater (Sharply) No! You'll spoil the surprise! Rodney Oh yeah...Hey, I can't wait to see his face when you come through the door, eh? Slater It'll be a picture Rodney, It'll be a picture! INT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY The microwave oven is standing on the sideboard. Grandad is studying it and fiddling with the switches. Del is in the kitchen. Del (OOV) I mean, I don't ask much of you, do I? But even when I ask you to do the simplest things you let me down! Grandad Oh shuddup! Del (OOV) I man she won't wanna know me know will she, not after last night! Grandad I ain't bothered! Del enters, carrying a cup of coffee. Del I invited her all the way over from Canning Town for a nice quiet intimate candlelit dinner. And all I asked you to do was put the box of wine in the fridge and my tub of Neapolitan ice-cream in the freezer. But no, you get that arse about face, don't you? So come nine o' clock, all I could offer her was a bowl of gunge and a Beaujolais ice lolly! Ruined my entire evening it did! What are you doing? Grandad I'm trying to get 'The Dukes of Hazzard!' Del The 'Dukes of Hazzard!' This is a microwave oven you dozy old twonk! Gordon Bennett, you'll be putting frozen pizzas into the portable next! Come out of the way, will yer! You're lucky you didn't barbecue yourself! Now just leave it alone! Rodney enters. Rodney Hey Del, guess who I met down the pub? Del Well, whoever she is, don't invite her back here for dinner! Rodney No, it's one of your old school mates! Slater Hello Del Boy, long time, eh? Del Slater!! Del drops his tray. Slater In all me glory! (To Rodney) I told you he'd be surprised didn't I? Rodney Yeah!! Slater Is this your Grandad? Del No that's the au-pair innit! Slater Watcha Grandad. You wouldn't remember me, Roy Slater, I used to be in Del's class at school. Grandad Well, well, that's a turn up for the book innit Del Boy? Del Yeah, innit just? Grandad Rodney, get Roy one of them lagers in the fridge. Rodney Yeah, right! Rodney exits. Del Yeah, well, I'll just, er, yeah, I'll just give Rodney a hand. You carry on. KITCHEN. Del What the bloody hell are you trying to do to me? Don't you know who that is? Rodney Yeah, he said he was an old mate! Del He's not an old mate - he's an Old Bill! And when I say an Old Bill - I mean an Old Bill! That geezer out there'd nick you for anything you did! In fact, he'd nick you for any- thing you didn't do and he wouldn't let a silly thing like innocence get in the way! Rodney I didn't have a clue, Del. I swear! Del You Wally! Alright, alright! We gotta play this nice and cagey! Now listen, you've gotta, be careful what you say to him, because that fella in there, he collects informers like other people collect stamps. Rodney He's got a few grasses - has he? Del No he ain't got a few grasses Rodney - he's got an entire lawn! Right, when you go back in there, only speak when you are spoken to, and then keep it down to a simple yes or no! Think before you blink, If God's smiling on us, we might just get away with it, Alright? Get them beers. LOUNGE. The kitchen door opens and Del and Rodney enter. Grandad is demonstrating how the microwave works to Slater. Slater Does it cook as quickly as they claim? Grandad Oh, I - I don't know so much about that. Slater Don't you? Grandad We ain't used it yet. Del and Rodney enter. Slater No? That's strange, it feels hot. Del Yeah, well here y'are, come and cool your fingers down on this Roy me boy! There you go. And how's the police force treating you? Grandad Police?? Slater Not too bad. Got promoted a while back, I'm Detective Inspector now. Del Oh, congratulations. A few years from now you could be advertising tyres! How's the family? Slater I don't see much of 'em these days Del. The Old man's still not talking to me. Del No, well, he's probably still got the needle over that time you nicked him! Grandad He nicked his own father?? Slater I had no choice! If there had been a way of avoiding it I would have. But his rear light was defective! I mean what else could I do? Del It's true, he'd only borrowed the bike to go down the fish shop an' all! Slater That's right! It was just a twist of fate. But you've gotta understand, at the time I was young and keen. Now that I'm older and more experienced, I regret doing it! Del Leave it out Slater. You've never regretted a nick in your life! Slater Now that's not fair Del! You're judging me by the Roy Slater that you used to know. But I've changed in lots of ways. Things that were important to me in the past mean nothing now. I used to be enthusiastic, career minded, but what've you got at the end of the day? You've won your stripes - and lost your friends. Del Oh come on Roy. You didn't lose your friends! Slater No? Del You didn't have any to lose in the first place! Slater Yeah, I suppose you're right! Del, maybe one evening - if you're not to busy - we could have a couple of beers together? Del Yeah, well, see how it goes shall we? Slater Yeah, alright, thanks for the drink. Nice seeing you all again...I'll see myself out. Slater moves sadly to the door. There is an embarrassed silence in the room. Rodney and Grandad are obviously feeling a certain amount of pity for Slater. Slater opens the door and is about to exit. Slater (Turns) Oh, by the way, you're all under arrest! (Grins) INT. A POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM. IGHT. A virtually bare room save for a desk and a few chairs and a filing cabinet. A young PC (Hoskins) stands by the door. The Trotters are seated around the desk. Slater is on the phone. Slater Yes, sir...Oh yes, well, thank you very much sir, very nice of you to say so...well I can only have them for receiving, sir, but one of them's an old mate and I get the feeling that if I treat him nicely enough he might be - persuaded - to volunteer the name of the real thief...Oh yes sir, you know me sir, I play everything by the book, sir. Well, there's three of them actually, sir. Yes, I arrested them single-handed! Well I don't think of the danger, sir, I simply see it as my duty! The Trotters- and Hoskins - are sickened by his toadying. Slater (cont'd) Well, I'll get back to your sir, as soon as I've got some information. Okay sir...Thank very much, sir. Thank you once again, sir. Okay, sir. Bye for now, sir. Do you know who that was? Del The wife? Slater That was the assistant commis- sioner. Grandad You wanna be a bit more careful about your health son. In the last 'alf hour you've done so much boot-licking you could be going down with cherry blossom poisoning! Slater Have you informed them of their rights, Constable? Hoskins Oh yes sir! Slater Tch!! Rodney Yeah, and I demand the right to phone my solicitor! Slater Sit down and behave yourself! Rodney I'm saying nothing 'til I've phoned my solicitor. Slater Go'n then! phone your solicitor! Rodney I haven't got a solicitor! Slater Well don't waste my bloody time then! Del Just calm down will yer! Just calm down. Now listen Slater, I think I've find a way in which we can clear this mess up. Slater What, you tell me the name of the person that nicked the microwave? Del No, I give you 50 quid and you let us go! Slater I didn't hear that Del! Del (Louder) I said, I give you 50 quid... Rodney Del!! Slater Did you hear that Hoskins? Hoskins Oh yes sir, loud and clear. Slater Oh, you really are a star Del Boy, you really are a star! You are now down for receiving stolen goods and attempting to bribe a police officer! Del You never complained about it before. Slater Did you hear that Hoskins? Hoskins Er, sorry, sir. Miles away! Slater Right, who 'alf inched the microwave? Was it Trigger? Come along gentlemen, I want a name! Grandad We found it, didn't we Rodney? Rodney Yeah, yeah - down the market! This bloke, sort of dropped it! Slater Oh, he dropped it did he? Didn't you call after him? Rodney (Lost for words) Er... Del Well yeah, but he was a bit mutton, wasn't he. Slater Oh, I see, Well that explains it! Tch, I just wish you'd have told me earlier, it would have saved us all this trouble! It's easily done constable. You're walking along the street, your mind on other things, you take your handker- chief out of your pocket and, bang, you're microwave falls out. (Indicates Rodney and Grandad) Take these two down the corridor and put them in separate rooms! I'll be along later to get their descript- ions of this stone-deaf villain! And, oi! No conferring! Grandad It's bleedin' starters for ten now! They exit. Slater I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now! Del (Momentarily off guard) Ye...Is he? Slater Hmm! Which number in King's Avenue does he live? Del I dunno! But you can't miss his house, it's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney! Slater Oh, that takes me back Del Boy! D' you remember when we was kids, Used to go over the pond to play at pirates? You were Dan Tempest - Trigger was Long John Silver. And what character did I play Del? Del You played the bloke what walked the plank. Slater Oh, yeah! The bloke that walked the plank! I was always the bloke that walked the plank, wasn't I? I must of been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head. I always wanted to be Bluebeard! Del Well you should have said so! Slater I did say! But you'd never let me! Del I did - once! Slater Oh yeah I remember. That was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank weren't it? Del I tried to be friendly Slater, but you were such a snide there was no helping you! Slater You tried to be friendly? Like when?? Del Do you remember that time when all the boys dragged you to the ground, and Fatty Walker sat on yer face and Trigger put all that itching powder in your belly button? Slater ...Vaguely! Del Yeah, well I was the one that made 'em stop at your belly button! They were all for having your braces off! And how did you repay my act of kindness? You caught me behind the bike shed with some bird and you went and told the headmaster! Slater It was my sister! Del See, you always let personal feelings creep into it, didn't you? Slater Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the micro- wave oven in the market! What did he look like? Del Oh, he was about average height. ANOTHER ROOM - BLANK BACKGROUND. Grandad He was a great big tall fella! ANOTHER ROOM - COLOUR BACKGROUND. Rodney Oh, he was little more than a dwarf! Slater (OS) Age? Rodney About 25. ROOM - BLANK BACKGROUND. Grandad Middle fifties! INTERVIEW ROOM. Del He was just a kid! Slater (OS) What about his ethnic group? Del Well, I didn't notice anyone with him! Slater No, I mean was he corcasian? ROOM - BLANK BACKGROUND. Grandad No he was a white fella! ROOM - COLOUR BACKGROUND. Rodney He was African, I think! INT. THE POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM. NIGHT. Hoskins is standing by the door. Del is seated at the table and is obviously feeling the effects of the long night. His jacket has been removed and his tie loosened. His shirt cuffs have been folded back to reveal a chunky gold bracelet on one wrist and a gold watch on the other. Del checks his watch. Del Is he allowed to keep us here this long? Hoskins No. Del Does that mean we can go then? Hoskins No. Del Triffic! Hoskins Well, you shouldn't get your- self involved with hooky gear should you! Del No, no, you're absolutely right young Terry! How's that gas fire I sold yer Mum, alright is it? Hoskins Oh, er, yeah, cheers Del! Look, why don't you do your- self a favour and give him the name of the bloke? He'll get it out of you in the end, he always does! Slater's a nasty piece of work. The only people that hate him more than the villains, is us coppers! Del Supposing I gave him the bloke's name, what would happen to him? Hoskins See that filing cabinet over there? That his full to the top with unsolved crimes. Slater would lay the whole lot on the bloke. So after only two weeks at the station he'll have doubled the conviction rate. The public are reassured, Slater gets his promotion, and the Commander takes another step closer to his CBE! And everybody's happy! Del All except the poor sod who's gone down the Kermit! Na, I'm not gonna tell him nothing. Hoskins Well watch out for him, Del, he's got no scruples, he'll try anything! Slater enters carrying a mug of tea and a couple of files. Slater Alright Hoskins, you can go and have yer supper break now. Hoskins Oh, thank you very much, sir. Slater Shame the canteen's just closed innit? Hoskins exits the room. Slater (cont'd) Sorry Del, did you want a cup of tea? Del No, it's all right, Slater, I had one yesterday! Slater Good, good! He starts reading some of the paperwork. He begins to laugh. Slater (cont'd) Sorry, Del Boy. I'm just reading these descriptions of the Phantom of the Market! Oh, it's good, Del. It's good! According to you and your family, we are looking for a 6ft 7in dwarf, aged between 15 and 50, a white male with oriental features, who's as black as Newgate's knocker! And, oh yeah, he wears a deaf- aid! Del Not a lot to go on inspector! Slater If I was to take this lot into court I could have you for perjury as well! (Referring to one of his files) I've just found this in our records department. Del I hope it's Barry Manilow! Slater No, it's not Barry Manilow Del! It says here Criminal file number 94628/A76. Name: Trotter! Rodney! Del Now, listen Sla - Roy. Now, just - here now come on. Let's leave Rodney out of this, eh? Slater He was a little scallywag at that art school weren't he? Caught in some tart's room puffing a Moroccan Woodbine. Del Now listen, he was innocent! Slater Well, not according to this he weren't! Del He only went down to her room to borrow some charcoal! Slater Whatever he was smoking when the police burst in, it weren't charcoal Del! Now, I wonder what would happen if, horror of horrors, I was to discover an illegal substance in one of Rodney's pockets. Del Leave it out Slater - you know Rodney's got nothing in his pockets! Slater That's soon remedied. Del I see, and what are you gonna stitch Grandad up with, eh? Found in possession of a forged bus-pass, or demanding protection money from the local Derby and Joan club? Slater Oh no, I'll see that Grandad's kept out of this. And while you and Rodney are away sewing mail bags - Grandad'll be back on the estate...Alone! Del Just what is that supposed to mean? Slater Dangerous places them estates Del! I do hope Grandad doesn't fall victim to the mindless filth that walks our streets! Del I thought you drove everywhere nowadays. Listen to me Slater - I know a lot of coppers and they're all good blokes. I mean, I don't like 'em, but they play a fair game. And then there's you, you dirty stinking... Slater Steady Del! I don't want to have to add abusive language to your ever growing list of offences! I might not have room on the charge sheet! You and young Rodney are going down for at least a year apiece! Unless you give me the name of the mush who nicked the microwave. Del Oh, leave it out Slater. You know I can't do that. It's against my principles! My Mum'd turn in her grave if she knew I'd become a copper's nark! Slater (Picks up phone) Well, you're gonna have a lot of time to think about your principles! I hope the porridge ain't too lumpy! I'll get the charge sheets typed up. Del is a desperate man. His eyes are closed with intense thought. Then they open, an idea is born. Del smiles to himself. Del Now, just a minute - Roy. Let's not be hasty! I think we can make a deal. Slater I don't like deals! Del You're gonna like this one! I give you the name of the bloke that stole that oven, you let Rodney and Grandad go - no charges. Slater Yeah, alright. I'll let them go. Del And you'll also drop all charges against me! Slater Oh come on Del, I'm looking forward to that! Del You don't seem to understand what I'm saying Slater! Once I've given you the name, I'll be one of your - grasses. Slater Oh Del, Del Boy, that is beautiful! You would be one of my merry men! I'd have you in my pocket, I could bounce you about and make you dance when- ever I felt bored! And if you ever stepped out of line, I'd let it be known on the streets that you're an informer! Del Yeah! I know! Slater The deal's on my old hoppo. I'll drop the charges against you, you have my word. Del Your Word! Your word means about as much as the guarantee on that hooky microwave! No, I want immunity from prosecution. And I want it in writing and I want it signed, sealed and delivered. Slater I'll get it arranged right away Derek. Oh, we're gonna have a good future together you and me, I can feel it. What's wrong Del? Cursing the day you crossed me? Del No, I'm cursing the day I made them stop at your belly button! INT. CORRIDOR IN POLICE STATION. NIGHT. Rodney and Grandad are in the corridor. Grandad is seated directly below a "Watch Out There's a Thief About' poster. He sees it and moves his chair closer to Rodney. Grandad Why's he keeping Del Boy in there? Rodney That's about the 38th time you've asked me that in the last 'alf hour! And for the 38th time Grandad, I'm telling you, I don't know. Grandad I thought he'd just charge Del with receiving, he'd get a fifty pound fine, and then it would all be forgot about! Rodney That's what I thought! Grandad So did I! So why's he keeping him in there? Rodney Gawd bless my old brown...I don't bloody know Grandad. Grandad Well, Rodney... The door to the interview room opens and Hoskins looks out to see what all the noise is. Rodney and Grandad smile nervously at him. Hoskins Look I thought I told you two you were free to go! Grandad Oh, we thought we'd hang on for a while. Rodney Yeah, it's good here, innit? Slater exits from the charge room carrying a piece of paper. Slater Still here? Rodney We're waiting for Del. Grandad Will he be long son? Slater Only as long as it takes him to tell me who nicked the microwave. Rodney Better get our heads down till the morning then! Slater Oh, no, Del's seen the light. He's decided to cooperate. Grandad No, you're pulling our legs! Slater D'you reckon? Why don't you come in and see for yourself. Come on. INT. THE INTERVIEW ROOM. NIGHT. Del is seated at the table. Slater enters followed by Rodney and Grandad. Slater Alright Hoskins, away you go, canteen's open now. Hoskins Oh, thank you very much, sir. Hoskins exits. Slater (Throws paper on the desk) There you are, Del Boy, your immunity from prosecution, signed by the Superintendent himself. Rodney What are you playing at, Del??!! Del What're they doing 'ere? Slater Oh I thought it'd be interest- ing for them to see you in your real light. The Great Del Boy, the man who could talk his way out of a room with no doors, reduced to this, grassing. Del I've gotta tell him Rodney. He's got me all ends up...I've got no choice. Grandad But you don't know his name Del. He was just a bloke in the market! Del Oh leave it out, Grandad. If Mr Slater was to believe our description he'd have his men searching for a someone who's a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant! Slater With a deaf-aid! Del With a deaf aid! Rodney, I wasn't doing it just for my- self. He threatened to plant something on you and set you up for a bit of bird.! Rodney But, but that's against the law! Slater Well phone the Police! Rodney Don't tell him Del. Del Look, I've got to Rodney. Otherwise it'll mean you and me will go down the road and Grandad's gonna be left alone on the estate, see? I've got no choice, I've got no choice! Alright Mr. Slater let's get down to business. Slater Oh Del, Del Boy, those words are music to my ears. I will cherish this moment! Righto Del, who nicked it? Del (Indicating Rodney and Grandad) They are free to go ain't they? Slater Yeah, they're free to go - no charges, they can leave when- ever they like. OK, give me his name. Del You've got nothing on me either? Slater (Losing his temper) No! You've got an immunity from prosecution. You've got less chance of a pull than the Queen. Del signs the paper. Del Long as I know. Slater Right, for the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry? Del looks anxiously at Rodney and Grandad. Del I did! He smiles triumphantly at Slater.

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


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