Only Fools And Horses

Yesterday Never Comes

THE LIFT FOYER OF THE TROTTERS' TOWER BLOCK. There are two lift doors. Hanging over the call button of one of the lifts is an 'Out of Order' sign. The Trotters enter the foyer from outside. Rodney and Grandad are carrying an antique (or at least antique-looking) cabinet. Del is directing them. Del Right, come on, come on. Let's have it on. Get it on. Get in here. Grandad Alright Del, alright. Del That's it. Right, come on, careful - careful with it. Come on, we ain't got all day. Alright. Grandad It's heavy. Del Come on then. Mind your hernia Grandad. Put your end down there Grandad, that's right. Grandad lowers his end gently to the floor. Del (Cont'd) Now your end Rodney. Rodney let's his end drop with a thump. Del (Cont'd) Gordon Bennett Rodney, what is your game? This could be a de-luxe Chippendale and you're treating it like something we've dragged out for the bonfire. Rodney That's about the best place for it. Del You don't know, this could be a Queen Anne cabinet. Rodney Oh, give over Del. Grandad Don't look very old to me. Del Ah - no - that is because when you was a lad this was probably 'G' plan. But to anyone born after the Napoleonic Wars this is antique. Anyway I'm going to put an ad in the paper in the morning. Don't know what to charge for it though. What d'you reckon, what, 95? Grandad Why don't you go the whole hog and make it a pound? Del You're starting to annoy me. Rodney (Examining the cabinet) Hey, it's got woodworm. Del That has not got woodworm. Grandad What's all them little holes then? Del Well I don't know. Maybe Queen Anne played darts. (Banging the lift doors) Where's these lifts? I tell you what, I tell you what, I'm considering letting the British Museum take a look at it. Rodney Yeah? I'd let Rentokil have a go first! Del You don't know nothing about antiques you, do you? I mean, you know, dealers they often put holes in items like these to give it that sort of 'distressed' look. Rodney Distressed. Del, this thing looks panic-stricken. Del (Bangs on lift again) Where are these rotten lifts? If those kids have jammed them again I'm gonna clump their ear'oles. As Rodney examines the cabinet, one of the doors off in his hand. Del and Grandad, more interested in the lifts don't notice. Rodney remains holding the door for a few terrified seconds. He taps Grandad's arm and hands the door to him. Grandad, innocently, takes it. Then realizes, and tries to hand it back to Rodney, who resists. Del turns, Rodney and Grandad freeze with the door between them. Del I don't believe it. I don't believe it. Rodney Oh no, come on, Del, it was a complete accident, look, it just come off in his hand. Grandad What? You lying little git, you ripped it off. Rodney Now come along Grandad, tell the truth for once. Del I just don't believe this. This thing has survived the Spanish Armada, the Black Death and the Blitz. And then you two cack-handed sods come along and in five minutes you've destroyed a piece of our national heritage. I don't know. The doors to the 'Out of Order' lift open and a West Indian woman exits. Woman Morning Mr Trotter. The Trotters Morning Mrs Murphy. The woman exits. Del Look you could - that was the lift weren't it? Now what am I gonna do about this thing, eh? I mean, you can't bodge about with this sort of quality. I mean, it's gonna take the skills of a fully-trained furniture restorer. Grandad Oh they ain't 'alf dear, Del Boy. Del Are they? (Taking a pound from his pocket) Here Rodney. Whip down to the DIY shop and get a bag of nails, will you. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Grandad is watching the TVs. Del is checking through the suitcase, cross-checking with his notebook. Rodney is seated at the table reading the classified ads. The cabinet is also in the room Rodney Here y'are (Reading) 'Queen Anne cabinet. Genuine antique, good as new. Lovely condition throughout, a snip at one hundred and forty five quid.' You could make the Elgin Marbles sound like a second-hand Datsun, couldn't you? Del Oi, how much of this stuff did you sell today? Rodney What d'you mean in pounds sterling or in number of items? Del Either. Rodney None. Del None? Rodney People ain't interested Del. Del Gordon Bennett Rodney. I pick a prime site in the Arndale Centre and you can't even get shot of a pair of pop-socks. You wanna grow up a bit, my son. I suppose you spent all day playing marbles with that mate Elgin of yours. Rodney What? Grandad What are you doing tomorrow Rodney? You and Mickey Pearce playing five-stones? The doorbell rings. Del You want to pull your socks up you do, you know. Rodney Del, these things look like living bras that ain't been well. The door bell rings again. Del Alright, alright, hang about - don't wear the battery out. HALL. Del enters from the lounge. He opens the door to Miranda. Miranda is in her early thirties, attractive and well spoken. She is expensively dressed and very 'Chelsea.' She has a very business-like manner and doesn't like to waste time. Miranda Good evening. Miranda Davenport. Del Eh? Miranda Miranda Davenport. Del Ah yes, I think I know what this is about. Now if it was your Mercedes I backed into the other day, I can assure you... Miranda No, no, no, you obviously haven't the faintest idea why I'm here. I telephoned earlier about your newspaper ad for the Queen Anne cabinet. Del Oh gotcha. Miranda Well, I left a message with an elderly gentleman, he did sound somewhat vague. Del Oh yes, yes, well he is rather vague. He had a bang on the head you see. Miranda Ah yes. When did it happen? Del Soon. Do come in Miss Davenport, or may I call you Miranda? Miranda Well yes, I suppose so. Del D'you know, Miranda is my most favourite name? Miranda Really? Del Yeah. My name is Del, that's short for Derek. How d'you do? Please go in to the sitting room will you. There you go. They enter the lounge. Rodney is examining a pair of flimsy briefs as Miranda enters. He does a double-take and hides the briefs. Rodney Oi, Grandad. Del Grandad, did somebody call earlier about the cabinet? Grandad Oh yes. She's coming round this evening. Some posh tart. Del Some posh tart. He's a card ain't he? Miranda Yes, isn't he just. Del Rodney come on, clear this... put your homework away would you Rodney? Come on, right. There. (Indicating cabinet) Well, what do you think? Miranda Very nice. Where is the Queen Anne cabinet? Del This - this is it. Miranda This .. (Stepping forward toward cabinet) the Queen Anne cabinet? Del Oh yes, it's definitely a Queen Anne, it's been given the once-over by experts. Do you know anything about antiques Miranda? Miranda (Examining cabinet) Yes. I run my own antique shop in Chelsea. Del Well, it might not be Queen Anne. Miranda It isn't. It's Queen Elizabeth- an, circa 1957. (Pointing inside cabinet) If you look inside you'll see, beneath the dust and cobwebs, some faded lettering. Del Oh yeah...F...Y... Rodney F...F... Del Thank you, yes, Rodney...E ...S. Rodney F...Y...F...F...Fiffes. Fyffes. Del Didn't they used to make bananas? Miranda That is correct. Rodney So - so what does that indicate then? Miranda It indicates banana boxes of course. Grandad Maybe they were antique banana boxes. Del Alright, alright, thank you very much, Grandad. Why don't you go to your bedroom and watch the 'Chinese Detective' on the portable? Go on. Grandad Oh. Alright, I know where I'm not wanted. Del Well, go on then. Grandad exits the room. Del (cont'd) He never - never quite got over Suez. Well, are you interested in it Miranda? Miranda No, I'm afraid not Mr Trotter. Rodney Well, what do you think we should do with it then? Miranda I'm not sure. Is there a tip near here? Del No there must be a wally some- where who'd want to buy it. Rodney Yeah, let's face it Del, you bought it last week didn't you? Miranda is studying a small, gilt framed painting hanging on the wall. Miranda I say, that's rather pretty isn't it? Rodney That? You must be joking, it gives me itchy fever every time I look at it. Miranda I think it's rather sweet. Is it for sale? Del No - definitely not. No, you see that is a family heirloom. It belonged to my late- departed Grandmother. We couldn't possibly sell it, could we Rodney? Rodney No, no, no way, no. It's valuable then? Miranda Oh no, no, it's worthless. I just rather like it that's all. You see, I'm re- decorating my London flat and I'm just on the look-out for little pieces like that. Still, never mind... Miranda's attention returns to the cabinet. She also becomes more friendly towards Del. Miranda (cont'd) Um, do you know, I'm really rather in two minds about this cabinet now. Del What - you think this might have some potential do you, Miranda? Miranda Well I'm really not sure. But you see, what's persuading me is that you're obviously a man with an eye for this sort of thing. Del (Modestly) Oh yes, petit Suisse. Miranda Quite. Whereas I'm just a woman trying to make her way in the big wide world. Del Oh yes, it's dog eat dog in the antique game Miranda. Miranda I know Derek - you'll most probably say no - but I was wondering whether you and I could go into this together? Del How d'you mean Miranda? Miranda Well, I was thinking. We could take this to the workroom at the back of my shop. I have a very good man working there who could possibly restore this to its former glory. Re- polish the top, varnish out the lettering, some new brass handles, and then we could put it in the shop and share the profit. What d'you think? Del I think that sounds just the ticket Miranda. Mind you, I'd have to have a word with my partner. Del looks to Rodney. Rodney Oh me? Del Yes, you. Will you excuse us while we confer? Rodney, would you join me, I'd like to have a word with you in the office? Rodney What to, er... Del Confer, yes. Excuse us. There you go. Thank you, we'll be back in a couple of shakes, alright. They both go into the kitchen. Del closes the door behind them. Rodney Well, if you want my opinion Del, I don't think we should let that cabinet out of our sight. Del That cabinet is definitely going to her shop to be tarted up and sold for a ridiculously high profit. End of discussion. Rodney Good, good, well, there's nothing like talking things out is there? If you wasn't interested in my opinion, what d'you drag me in here for? Del 'Cos I want your advice, Rodney, I think she fancies me. Rodney Miranda? Del Yeah. Rodney Leave it out Del, she's an intelligent woman. Del (Grabbing Rodney by the throat) I know she's an intelligent woman. That is most probably why she fancies me. Rodney (Fearing violence) True, true, yeah, well, I did notice the way she looked at you. Del Yeah? How? Rodney What? Del How, you know, how did she look at me? Rodney Well - sort of - (Contorting his face) Like that. Del Like that? Looks like she had a hot chip in her mouth. Rodney Del, I can't do a face like hers, can I? Del No, no I suppose not, no. How am I going to tell her that - you know - the 'feeling' is mutual? Rodney Just tell her. Del But how? Rodney I don't know, do I? Del You do, you're the one with the GCEs. Rodney Just be yourself. Del Leave it out, Rodney, I wanna be in with at least half a chance. Rodney Del, for once in your life, be you. Right. And you won't need none of them soppy French phrases either. Del What d'you mean, soppy French phrases? La bonne vie, you stupid... Rodney See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English. Del What is it with you Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something? Rodney I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of a Citroen manual, don't they? Del A lot of people are impressed with things like that. Rodney Yeah, maybe the cave-people down at the Nag's Head. But it's not going to cut any ice with Arthur Negus's youngest in there, is it? Del I suppose you're right. Rodney Del, if you're really that interested, why don't you just give her a sign of your - mutual attraction. Del Yeah, a sign, eh? Rodney Yeah. And be yourself. Del Yeah, yeah, yeah okay - yeah. That's it. Del prepares himself, flexes his shoulders. Del (cont'd) He who dares, wins. Right. LOUNGE Miranda is studying the painting. She moves away as Del and Rodney enter from the kitchen. Del Well, that is it Miranda. I have discussed the matter with my partner and we both agree that we shall exceed your delusions. Miranda What? Del You take that thing with you and get it tarted up. Miranda Oh good. Well, I'll telephone you in the morning and arrange for it to be collected. Del Yes, thank you. Del looks desperately to Rodney, who gestures for him to do or say something. Del takes a pace forward, brings his hand back and smacks Miranda's bottom. Rodney closes his eyes in shocked disbelief. Miranda turns with a surprised and offended look. Del (With a confident grin) Fancy a curry? Miranda (Smiling and shrugging) Why not? Miranda picks up her handbag and exits. Del gives Rodney the thumbs up and follows her. Rodney stands open-mouthed in disbelief that Del's approach actually worked. PEDESTRAIN ZONE/HIGH STREET. A continental-style pavement cafe. Del is seated at one of the tables. Rodney returns with a cup of coffee for Del and a coke, in a paper cup, for himself. Del My old guts are playing me up this morning Rodders. Rodney Yeah, I know. Del I've got a touch of the old Ghandi's revenge bruv. Rodney What, from the Ruby last night? Del Yeah. Rodney Did Miranda enjoy it? Del Well, she had a bit of aggro with the chicken tikka, mind you it was a bit rubbery. She was chewing on one bit for about 'alf an hour - I thought she'd end up blowing bubbles with it any minute. She's quite a sort, ain't she Rodders? Rodney Yeah, she's alright. Del What d'you mean, alright? Alright? You wouldn't say no would yer, eh? No she's quite taken with me an' all you know. Rodney gives a little laugh. Del (cont'd) No, she is, she's very impressed. Well, she knows I know a lot about antiques don't she, eh? Rodney Oh yeah, yeah, well, you've been out with enough ain't yer? Del Oi, that is enough of that. Anyway listen, I went up her shop this morning up Chelsea. Real pukka establishment Rodney, I mean, you know, real pukka. Sort of place royals go. No, I think something really good's gonna come out of this, bruv. Rodney Do us a favour, Del. Look, don't get too carried away with this Miranda sort, eh? I mean, her type don't give a monkey's for the likes of you. Del What do you mean by that? Rodney It means I've seen it all before. You meet someone you take a fancy to and within a week it's all wine and roses and 'I'm just popping down to Bravington's Rodney.' Del What do you think I am some sort of whelk or something? Still wet behind the ears? I know exactly what I'm doing. Del taps his nose. Rodney is now believing that Del has had a scheme all along. Rodney Aah. Nice one Derek, nice one my son. Del I must admit there is a certain - chemistry between me and Miranda. I'm just gonna pop next door and get a Dalton's Weekly, alright. Del exits. Rodney shakes his head sadly. He finishes his coke. Seated at another table is an attractive young woman. Her and Rodney's eyes meet accidentally and Rodney smiles at her. Slightly embarrassed, she returns a polite yet inviting smile. Rodney crushes the paper cup with one hand in the same swaggering manner that macho men crush beer cans. He throws the cup to the floor and stands. The girl stands and begins to organise her handbag. Rodney approaches and finally plucks up the courage and smacks her bum. The girl turns to him with a look of complete surprise. Rodney Fancy an Indian? The girl gives Rodney a smack round the face and storms off, leaving Rodney to face the other diners who have witnessed this. He speaks to himself, but referring to the girl: Rodney Fascist! Del arrives back. Del Right, you fit then Rodders, eh? Rodney turns to face him. A large red weal is on his face. Rodney Yeah, yeah fit. Del Here, you ain't 'arf got a nasty rash coming up on your boat race. Rodney Oh yeah, yeah that's, um, that's just where I caught the sun, you know. Del Well, if I didn't know any better I'd swear that someone had smacked you right in the eye. Rodney Alright don't go on about it. Del What d'you mean? You're a touchy little git sometimes ain't yer? THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. The room is in darkness. The front door is heard opening. Del enters the lounge and switches the lights on. He is wearing an evening suit, velvet bow tie, frilly shirt, gold cuff-links, etc. Miranda follows him in, wearing a low-cut, full-length evening gown. They appear as if they have just returned from an evening at The Savoy. Del Here we are. That's it. Do come in. There we are. I'll get the door. Oh, allow me. Thank you, there you are Miranda. Sit yourself down on the chaise longue and I'll fix us a drink. Now what can I get you, port and lemon, rum and coke? Or shall I surprise you? Miranda Why don't you surprise me. Del Right you are. There we go. That was a blinding meal weren't it Miranda, eh? Miranda Yes, it was very nice. I did feel a bit over-dressed for a Berni Inn though. Del I don't think so. I think we made quite an impression - I mean everybody was looking at us. Miranda Yes. Del returns to the sofa with two 'red' drinks. Del Take a sip of that Miranda. Miranda What is it? Del That is called a Tequila Sunset. Cheers. Miranda It tastes of gin. Del Yeah, I run out of Tequila. Miranda Well, it's very nice. Del Yeah, it is innit? I actually got the recipe off a Mexican barman. Miranda Have you been to Mexico? Del No, no, he lives in the flat upstairs. Miranda. I, well, I've been, thinking about us. And I've... Miranda reacts to something she has found down the side of the sofa. She produces a 'Penthouse' magazine. Del takes it from her. Del (cont'd) Oh yes, sorry about that, it belongs to Rodney. He's into still-life. He's got his GCE in Art you know. Miranda Really? Del Oh yeah. He'll most probably be famous when he's dead. As I was saying - I've been thinking about you and me. Miranda Do you like art? Del Oh yeah, it's triffic, I can't get enough of it. You see the thing is that I was thinking... Miranda (Referring to drink) This is very strong. Del Yeah. Miranda Do you like Cézanne? Del Oh yes, a bit of ice and lemonade, it's lovely. You see, you and I have got, well, you know. We've got a lot in common, haven't we? I mean we're both - well - English. Miranda I do love that painting. Del Yeah, it's triffic innit? Miranda Your grandmother must have had very good taste. Del No, she couldn't have had much, she married my grandfather. Miranda Do you like that painting Derek? Del What that? No, I hate it, can't wait to get rid of it. Miranda Oh don't ever throw it away, please. It would look so nice in my flat. I'd hang it just above my bed. Just try to picture it. Oh you can't - I've just remembered, you haven't seen my bedroom...yet. Del No, I haven't seen your bed- room...yet. Miranda You were saying? Del What? Miranda You were talking Del Oh yeah. Yeah - yeah. Well, I was gonna say that I was thinking about - well - you know maybe later - you know - not now - if you like in the future sometime, when you, sort of felt like it, we could, sort of, work closer together. Miranda I've been thinking exactly the same thing. Del Have you? Miranda Ever since I first met you. For the first time ever, Del appears to be lost for words. Del Oh Miranda, drink up, I'll get you another Tequila Sunset. Miranda No really, I've had quite enough. Del Yeah, alright, shall I put my Richard Clayderman LP on? Miranda No, I must be going. I have to be up early in the morning, Mummy and Daddy will probably ring first thing to wish me happy returns. You know what parents are like. Del No, I haven't had any for ages. Sorry, did you say it's your birthday? Miranda Yes. Surely I told you? Del I s'pose you must... Miranda Oh, you haven't bought me a present? Del What? Miranda Oh you really shouldn't have. It's very sweet of you though, thank you. (Kisses him on the lips) I really must be off. Miranda exits. Del, while mulling the situation over, his eyes fall on the painting. He looks up towards heaven. Del Sorry Gran. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is laid out on the settee feeling hung-over. Grandad is clearing the breakfast things from the table. Del, dresses to kill and carrying a bunch of daffodils and a birthday card, enters form the hall. Del Good morning Rodders, good morning Grandfather. It's a beautiful day out innit, eh? Makes you glad to be alive, don't it? Rodney Yeah, triffic. Grandad Where you off to then Del? Del I'm going out to Miranda's shop. Just to see the cabinet. Rodney What time's visiting hours then? Del There's nothing wrong with that cabinet, Rodney. I keep on telling you, it's very nice cabinet. Rodney Yeah, it is. I mean a million wooodworms can't be wrong can they? Del I've told you before Rodney, there are no woodworms in that cabinet. Rodney (Looking at the Birthday card) Whose birthday is it then Del? Del Mine if I play my cards right! Grandad (Reading) 'Happy birthday sweetheart, from your ever loving Delly- Welly.' Grandad and Rodney laugh. Rodney Delly-Wally more like it. Del Alright. Alright, put that down and let's not have so much of it, shall we. Grandad (Sarcastically) It's Miranda's birthday Rodney and we forgot. Rodney Oh no, what a choker, still never mind. Grandad What d'you get for her birth- day Del? Del Eh? Del looks to where Gran's painting was, which is now an empty space. Del (cont'd) Oh, nothing much! Grandad has caught Del's glance. He turns and reacts. Grandad What's happened to your Gran's painting? Del Eh? Well, I told you the sun would affect it didn't I? Grandad Sun, my arse, you've given it to that tart ain't yer? Del Well, she's not gonna raffle it, is she? She'll only hang it on her bedroom wall. Grandad Your Gran brought that painting into this house Del. There was an history behind it, and you knew it. Rodney You stole your own Grand- mother's painting? Del I didn't steal the painting. Gran left that painting to me. Grandad Don't give me that old Mother Hubbbard. Del She did. One night, when she wasn't feeling too well, she said to me, she said, 'Del, when I go that painting is yours.' Grandad I don't remember it. Del No, you were out. Grandad That's handy innit, no witnes- ses. Del There were witnesses. There was Mum and Rodney. Grandad Mum ain't here any more. Del I know that but Rodney is. You remember don't you Rodney? Rodney I can't say I do Del. Del But you must remember. You were there, over there in the corner. With Mum...having yer nappy changed. Grandad Having his nappy cha...He could have only been about four. Rodney Exactly, how the hell do you expect...Four??? Grandad I never thought I'd live to see the day when you, you of all people, let the family down. Del Here, Grandad. Come on. Del produces a wad of notes. Del (cont'd) Here you are, look, have a tenner, come on. Grandad gives him a look of contempt. He exits. Rodney She's got you tied up like a turkey ain't she? You've changed since you met her Del. Del You've got more hooter than Pinocchio. Just stay out of my life, will you. Rodney Yeah, I'll stay out of your life. In fact, I think I can quite safely say that me and Grandad won't ever get under your feet again. (Looking at the flowers) I just hope Miranda suffers with hay-fever. Del Rodney. Rodney What? Del Don't be a plonker. Del exits. Grandad enters. Grandad Did he leave that tenner? ANTIQUE SHOP/LONDON STREET. A street in the quiche lorraine and Burberry sector of Chelsea. The shop is very upmarket. The three-wheeled van pops to a halt outside the shop. Del alights and moves to the shop. The door has a 'Closed' sign on it. Del tries to open the door but finds it is locked. He knocks on the door. Harry, a furniture restorer, enters from the back of the shop and approaches the front door. He unlocks it. Del Hello Harry. Is Miranda about? Harry No, she's popped down to Huddleton's. Just down the road there, on yer left Del. Del Right, I'll pop down and see her. Here, how come you ain't open? Harry Had to close mate, we're being fumigated, the place is full of woodworm. Del You wanna watch that H. Especially with your wooden leg! HUDDLETON'S AUCTION ROOMS. This is very upmarket. Sotherby's-type establishment. Miranda is sat bidding for an item. Auctioneer Two thousand two hundred - two thousand five hundred - two thousand seven hundred... (To Miranda) Three thousand pounds. The Auctioneer gestures in the opposite direction to a representative of the gallery. Auctioneer (cont'd) The bid is with Gideon's Gallery... Miranda gives the merest of nods. Auctioneer (cont'd) Three thousand two hundred pounds. The representative raises his programme. To Miranda. Auctioneer (cont'd) Three thousand four hundred - three thousand five hundred, the bid is with Gideon's. Del enters and surveys the room. This is the kind of place he has dreamed about. He spots Miranda and waves with the flowers. Auctioneer (Spotting Del) Three thousand, six hundred pounds, with the gentleman at the back... Miranda, unaware of Del, nods back. Auctioneer (cont'd) Three thousand, eight hundred pounds, with Miss Davenport. The Auctioneer checks the rest of the room. Auctioneer (cont'd) Three thousand, eight hundred pounds? He bangs the gavel. Auctioneer (cont'd) To Miss Davenport. As the bidding has now finished there is a hum of conversation from the other people in the room. Del joins Miranda. She is embarrassed by Del's proximity. Miranda Derek. Del Yeah. Miranda What are you doing here? Del I thought I'd just pop up and take you out to lunch, you know, sort of birthday treat. Miranda Birthday? Oh yes. How sweet. Del These are for you. They're daffodils. Miranda (Not wishing to handle anything as common as daffodils) So they are. Del They used to be my Mum's favourite. Miranda Oh really? Well, thank you. Look, I'm rather busy at the moment. Why don't you wait for me at that little wine bar round the corner? Del Yeah, alright. Will you be long? Miranda (Sharply) How should I know? (Hands him the flowers) Look, take these with you as well please. Del (Hurt) Yes - yeah, right. Del goes to leave. As he does he glances towards the rostrum and does a double take. There on the rostrum is Gran's painting being exhibited as the next item. Auctioneer Now, Lot 24 is this recently discovered work by the late 19th-century artist Joshua Blythe. Now it's a particularly fine example of his work and I'd like to start the bidding at seven thousand pounds. Do I have seven thousand pounds? Someone bids. Auctioneer (cont'd) Seven thousand pounds. Del sits next to Miranda who feels embarrassed that the truth has come out. Del You lied to me, didn't you? Miranda Nobody's perfect. Del It's not your birthday at all, is it? Miranda It will be soon. Del All you wanted me for was that painting weren't it? Miranda Well, what else did you think I was interested in? That banana box of a Queen Anne cabinet? The damn thing's infested my entire stock. Del No, I thought, you know, maybe there was something else. Miranda Oh, you did? Did you honestly think I enjoyed being in the company of a man who slapped my bottom, called me sweet- heart and assaulted my digestive system with third- rate curries. Del Yeah. Miranda You must be a fool. Del Miranda, you should have told me that you wanted to sell the painting. Miranda Don't be ridiculous, I'm in business I realised how valuable it was the moment I saw it. Why should I tell you? Del No, Miranda, you don't under- stand. Miranda I think you're the one who's confused Derek. And let's get one thing absolutely clear. That painting is now mine. It's been legally registered in my name. Mummy and Daddy have even signed an affidavit to swear that the painting has been in our family for generations. Del Thank Gawd for that. I've been trying to get shot of that painting for years. Miranda What do you mean? Del I know exactly what that painting is and I know exactly how much it's worth. Miranda Rubbish. How could someone like you possibly know that? Del I'll tell you how I know that shall I? Because my Gran used to be a char-lady to an art dealer. That's how I know. Miranda Oh I see, and this Mrs Mopp examined it did she? Del No, she didn't examine it. She nicked it! Auctioneer Seventeen thousand, six hundred pounds. Del Good luck sweetheart. Del exits.

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