THE LIFT FOYER OF THE TROTTERS' TOWER BLOCK.
There are two lift doors. Hanging over the call button of
one of the lifts is an 'Out of Order' sign. The Trotters
enter the foyer from outside. Rodney and Grandad are
carrying an antique (or at least antique-looking) cabinet.
Del is directing them.
Del
Right, come on, come on. Let's
have it on. Get it on. Get in
here.
Grandad
Alright Del, alright.
Del
That's it. Right, come on,
careful - careful with it.
Come on, we ain't got all day.
Alright.
Grandad
It's heavy.
Del
Come on then. Mind your hernia
Grandad. Put your end down
there Grandad, that's right.
Grandad lowers his end gently to the floor.
Del
(Cont'd)
Now your end Rodney.
Rodney let's his end drop with a thump.
Del
(Cont'd)
Gordon Bennett Rodney, what is
your game? This could be a
de-luxe Chippendale and you're
treating it like something
we've dragged out for the
bonfire.
Rodney
That's about the best place
for it.
Del
You don't know, this could be
a Queen Anne cabinet.
Rodney
Oh, give over Del.
Grandad
Don't look very old to me.
Del
Ah - no - that is because when
you was a lad this was probably
'G' plan. But to anyone born
after the Napoleonic Wars this
is antique. Anyway I'm going
to put an ad in the paper in
the morning. Don't know what
to charge for it though. What
d'you reckon, what, 95?
Grandad
Why don't you go the whole hog
and make it a pound?
Del
You're starting to annoy me.
Rodney
(Examining the
cabinet)
Hey, it's got woodworm.
Del
That has not got woodworm.
Grandad
What's all them little holes
then?
Del
Well I don't know. Maybe Queen
Anne played darts.
(Banging the
lift doors)
Where's these lifts? I tell
you what, I tell you what, I'm
considering letting the
British Museum take a look
at it.
Rodney
Yeah? I'd let Rentokil have a
go first!
Del
You don't know nothing about
antiques you, do you? I mean,
you know, dealers they often
put holes in items like these
to give it that sort of
'distressed' look.
Rodney
Distressed. Del, this thing
looks panic-stricken.
Del
(Bangs on lift
again)
Where are these rotten lifts?
If those kids have jammed them
again I'm gonna clump their
ear'oles.
As Rodney examines the cabinet, one of the doors off in
his hand. Del and Grandad, more interested in the lifts
don't notice. Rodney remains holding the door for a few
terrified seconds. He taps Grandad's arm and hands the
door to him. Grandad, innocently, takes it. Then
realizes, and tries to hand it back to Rodney, who
resists. Del turns, Rodney and Grandad freeze with the
door between them.
Del
I don't believe it. I don't
believe it.
Rodney
Oh no, come on, Del, it was a
complete accident, look, it
just come off in his hand.
Grandad
What? You lying little git,
you ripped it off.
Rodney
Now come along Grandad, tell
the truth for once.
Del
I just don't believe this.
This thing has survived the
Spanish Armada, the Black
Death and the Blitz. And then
you two cack-handed sods come
along and in five minutes
you've destroyed a piece of
our national heritage. I
don't know.
The doors to the 'Out of Order' lift open and a West Indian
woman exits.
Woman
Morning Mr Trotter.
The Trotters
Morning Mrs Murphy.
The woman exits.
Del
Look you could - that was the
lift weren't it? Now what am I
gonna do about this thing, eh?
I mean, you can't bodge about
with this sort of quality. I
mean, it's gonna take the
skills of a fully-trained
furniture restorer.
Grandad
Oh they ain't 'alf dear, Del
Boy.
Del
Are they?
(Taking a pound
from his pocket)
Here Rodney. Whip down to the
DIY shop and get a bag of
nails, will you.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Grandad is watching the TVs. Del is checking through the
suitcase, cross-checking with his notebook. Rodney is
seated at the table reading the classified ads. The
cabinet is also in the room
Rodney
Here y'are
(Reading)
'Queen Anne cabinet. Genuine
antique, good as new. Lovely
condition throughout, a snip
at one hundred and forty five
quid.' You could make the
Elgin Marbles sound like a
second-hand Datsun, couldn't
you?
Del
Oi, how much of this stuff did
you sell today?
Rodney
What d'you mean in pounds
sterling or in number of items?
Del
Either.
Rodney
None.
Del
None?
Rodney
People ain't interested Del.
Del
Gordon Bennett Rodney. I pick
a prime site in the Arndale
Centre and you can't even get
shot of a pair of pop-socks.
You wanna grow up a bit, my
son. I suppose you spent all
day playing marbles with that
mate Elgin of yours.
Rodney
What?
Grandad
What are you doing tomorrow
Rodney? You and Mickey Pearce
playing five-stones?
The doorbell rings.
Del
You want to pull your socks
up you do, you know.
Rodney
Del, these things look like
living bras that ain't been
well.
The door bell rings again.
Del
Alright, alright, hang about -
don't wear the battery out.
HALL.
Del enters from the lounge. He opens the door to Miranda.
Miranda is in her early thirties, attractive and well
spoken. She is expensively dressed and very 'Chelsea.'
She has a very business-like manner and doesn't like to
waste time.
Miranda
Good evening. Miranda Davenport.
Del
Eh?
Miranda
Miranda Davenport.
Del
Ah yes, I think I know what
this is about. Now if it was
your Mercedes I backed into
the other day, I can assure
you...
Miranda
No, no, no, you obviously
haven't the faintest idea why
I'm here. I telephoned earlier
about your newspaper ad for
the Queen Anne cabinet.
Del
Oh gotcha.
Miranda
Well, I left a message with an
elderly gentleman, he did
sound somewhat vague.
Del
Oh yes, yes, well he is rather
vague. He had a bang on the
head you see.
Miranda
Ah yes. When did it happen?
Del
Soon. Do come in Miss
Davenport, or may I call you
Miranda?
Miranda
Well yes, I suppose so.
Del
D'you know, Miranda is my most
favourite name?
Miranda
Really?
Del
Yeah. My name is Del, that's
short for Derek. How d'you do?
Please go in to the sitting
room will you. There you go.
They enter the lounge. Rodney is examining a pair of
flimsy briefs as Miranda enters. He does a double-take
and hides the briefs.
Rodney
Oi, Grandad.
Del
Grandad, did somebody call
earlier about the cabinet?
Grandad
Oh yes. She's coming round
this evening. Some posh tart.
Del
Some posh tart. He's a card
ain't he?
Miranda
Yes, isn't he just.
Del
Rodney come on, clear this...
put your homework away would
you Rodney? Come on, right.
There.
(Indicating cabinet)
Well, what do you think?
Miranda
Very nice. Where is the Queen
Anne cabinet?
Del
This - this is it.
Miranda
This ..
(Stepping forward
toward cabinet)
...is the Queen Anne cabinet?
Del
Oh yes, it's definitely a
Queen Anne, it's been given
the once-over by experts. Do
you know anything about
antiques Miranda?
Miranda
(Examining cabinet)
Yes. I run my own antique shop
in Chelsea.
Del
Well, it might not be Queen
Anne.
Miranda
It isn't. It's Queen Elizabeth-
an, circa 1957.
(Pointing inside
cabinet)
If you look inside you'll see,
beneath the dust and cobwebs,
some faded lettering.
Del
Oh yeah...F...Y...
Rodney
F...F...
Del
Thank you, yes, Rodney...E
...S.
Rodney
F...Y...F...F...Fiffes.
Fyffes.
Del
Didn't they used to make
bananas?
Miranda
That is correct.
Rodney
So - so what does that
indicate then?
Miranda
It indicates banana boxes of
course.
Grandad
Maybe they were antique banana
boxes.
Del
Alright, alright, thank you
very much, Grandad. Why don't
you go to your bedroom and
watch the 'Chinese Detective'
on the portable? Go on.
Grandad
Oh. Alright, I know where I'm
not wanted.
Del
Well, go on then.
Grandad exits the room.
Del (cont'd)
He never - never quite got
over Suez. Well, are you
interested in it Miranda?
Miranda
No, I'm afraid not Mr Trotter.
Rodney
Well, what do you think we
should do with it then?
Miranda
I'm not sure. Is there a tip
near here?
Del
No there must be a wally some-
where who'd want to buy it.
Rodney
Yeah, let's face it Del, you
bought it last week didn't
you?
Miranda is studying a small, gilt framed painting hanging
on the wall.
Miranda
I say, that's rather pretty
isn't it?
Rodney
That? You must be joking, it
gives me itchy fever every
time I look at it.
Miranda
I think it's rather sweet. Is
it for sale?
Del
No - definitely not. No, you
see that is a family heirloom.
It belonged to my late-
departed Grandmother. We
couldn't possibly sell it,
could we Rodney?
Rodney
No, no, no way, no. It's
valuable then?
Miranda
Oh no, no, it's worthless. I
just rather like it that's
all. You see, I'm re-
decorating my London flat and
I'm just on the look-out for
little pieces like that.
Still, never mind...
Miranda's attention returns to the cabinet. She also
becomes more friendly towards Del.
Miranda (cont'd)
Um, do you know, I'm really
rather in two minds about this
cabinet now.
Del
What - you think this might
have some potential do you,
Miranda?
Miranda
Well I'm really not sure. But
you see, what's persuading me
is that you're obviously a man
with an eye for this sort of
thing.
Del
(Modestly)
Oh yes, petit Suisse.
Miranda
Quite. Whereas I'm just a
woman trying to make her way
in the big wide world.
Del
Oh yes, it's dog eat dog in
the antique game Miranda.
Miranda
I know Derek - you'll most
probably say no - but I was
wondering whether you and I
could go into this together?
Del
How d'you mean Miranda?
Miranda
Well, I was thinking. We could
take this to the workroom at
the back of my shop. I have a
very good man working there
who could possibly restore
this to its former glory. Re-
polish the top, varnish out
the lettering, some new brass
handles, and then we could
put it in the shop and share
the profit. What d'you think?
Del
I think that sounds just the
ticket Miranda. Mind you, I'd
have to have a word with my
partner.
Del looks to Rodney.
Rodney
Oh me?
Del
Yes, you. Will you excuse us
while we confer? Rodney, would
you join me, I'd like to have
a word with you in the office?
Rodney
What to, er...
Del
Confer, yes. Excuse us. There
you go. Thank you, we'll be
back in a couple of shakes,
alright.
They both go into the kitchen. Del closes the door behind
them.
Rodney
Well, if you want my opinion
Del, I don't think we should
let that cabinet out of our
sight.
Del
That cabinet is definitely
going to her shop to be tarted
up and sold for a ridiculously
high profit. End of
discussion.
Rodney
Good, good, well, there's
nothing like talking things
out is there? If you wasn't
interested in my opinion,
what d'you drag me in here
for?
Del
'Cos I want your advice,
Rodney, I think she fancies
me.
Rodney
Miranda?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
Leave it out Del, she's an
intelligent woman.
Del
(Grabbing Rodney by
the throat)
I know she's an intelligent
woman. That is most probably
why she fancies me.
Rodney
(Fearing violence)
True, true, yeah, well, I did
notice the way she looked at
you.
Del
Yeah? How?
Rodney
What?
Del
How, you know, how did she
look at me?
Rodney
Well - sort of -
(Contorting his
face)
Like that.
Del
Like that? Looks like she had
a hot chip in her mouth.
Rodney
Del, I can't do a face like
hers, can I?
Del
No, no I suppose not, no. How
am I going to tell her that -
you know - the 'feeling' is
mutual?
Rodney
Just tell her.
Del
But how?
Rodney
I don't know, do I?
Del
You do, you're the one with
the GCEs.
Rodney
Just be yourself.
Del
Leave it out, Rodney, I wanna
be in with at least half a
chance.
Rodney
Del, for once in your life, be
you. Right. And you won't need
none of them soppy French
phrases either.
Del
What d'you mean, soppy French
phrases? La bonne vie, you
stupid...
Rodney
See what I mean? Del, you
can't speak French. You're
still struggling with English.
Del
What is it with you Rodney?
Do you like hospital food or
something?
Rodney
I'm just being honest with
you. Let's face it Del, most
of your French phrases come
straight out of a Citroen
manual, don't they?
Del
A lot of people are
impressed with things like
that.
Rodney
Yeah, maybe the cave-people
down at the Nag's Head. But
it's not going to cut any ice
with Arthur Negus's youngest
in there, is it?
Del
I suppose you're right.
Rodney
Del, if you're really that
interested, why don't you just
give her a sign of your -
mutual attraction.
Del
Yeah, a sign, eh?
Rodney
Yeah. And be yourself.
Del
Yeah, yeah, yeah okay - yeah.
That's it.
Del prepares himself, flexes his shoulders.
Del (cont'd)
He who dares, wins. Right.
LOUNGE
Miranda is studying the painting. She moves away as Del
and Rodney enter from the kitchen.
Del
Well, that is it Miranda. I
have discussed the matter with
my partner and we both agree
that we shall exceed your
delusions.
Miranda
What?
Del
You take that thing with you
and get it tarted up.
Miranda
Oh good. Well, I'll telephone
you in the morning and arrange
for it to be collected.
Del
Yes, thank you.
Del looks desperately to Rodney, who gestures for him to
do or say something. Del takes a pace forward, brings
his hand back and smacks Miranda's bottom. Rodney closes
his eyes in shocked disbelief. Miranda turns with a
surprised and offended look.
Del
(With a confident
grin)
Fancy a curry?
Miranda
(Smiling and
shrugging)
Why not?
Miranda picks up her handbag and exits. Del gives Rodney
the thumbs up and follows her. Rodney stands open-mouthed
in disbelief that Del's approach actually worked.
PEDESTRAIN ZONE/HIGH STREET.
A continental-style pavement cafe. Del is seated at one
of the tables. Rodney returns with a cup of coffee for
Del and a coke, in a paper cup, for himself.
Del
My old guts are playing me up
this morning Rodders.
Rodney
Yeah, I know.
Del
I've got a touch of the old
Ghandi's revenge bruv.
Rodney
What, from the Ruby last night?
Del
Yeah.
Rodney
Did Miranda enjoy it?
Del
Well, she had a bit of aggro
with the chicken tikka, mind
you it was a bit rubbery. She
was chewing on one bit for
about 'alf an hour - I thought
she'd end up blowing bubbles
with it any minute. She's
quite a sort, ain't she
Rodders?
Rodney
Yeah, she's alright.
Del
What d'you mean, alright?
Alright? You wouldn't say no
would yer, eh? No she's
quite taken with me an' all
you know.
Rodney gives a little laugh.
Del (cont'd)
No, she is, she's very
impressed. Well, she knows I
know a lot about antiques
don't she, eh?
Rodney
Oh yeah, yeah, well, you've
been out with enough ain't
yer?
Del
Oi, that is enough of that.
Anyway listen, I went up her
shop this morning up Chelsea.
Real pukka establishment
Rodney, I mean, you know, real
pukka. Sort of place royals
go. No, I think something
really good's gonna come out
of this, bruv.
Rodney
Do us a favour, Del. Look,
don't get too carried away with
this Miranda sort, eh? I mean,
her type don't give a monkey's
for the likes of you.
Del
What do you mean by that?
Rodney
It means I've seen it all
before. You meet someone you
take a fancy to and within a
week it's all wine and roses
and 'I'm just popping down
to Bravington's Rodney.'
Del
What do you think I am some
sort of whelk or something?
Still wet behind the ears? I
know exactly what I'm doing.
Del taps his nose.
Rodney is now believing that Del has had a scheme all
along.
Rodney
Aah. Nice one Derek, nice one
my son.
Del
I must admit there is a
certain - chemistry between me
and Miranda. I'm just gonna
pop next door and get a
Dalton's Weekly, alright.
Del exits.
Rodney shakes his head sadly. He finishes his coke.
Seated at another table is an attractive young woman.
Her and Rodney's eyes meet accidentally and Rodney
smiles at her. Slightly embarrassed, she returns a
polite yet inviting smile. Rodney crushes the paper
cup with one hand in the same swaggering manner that
macho men crush beer cans. He throws the cup to the
floor and stands. The girl stands and begins to
organise her handbag. Rodney approaches and finally
plucks up the courage and smacks her bum. The girl
turns to him with a look of complete surprise.
Rodney
Fancy an Indian?
The girl gives Rodney a smack round the face and storms
off, leaving Rodney to face the other diners who have
witnessed this.
He speaks to himself, but referring to the girl:
Rodney
Fascist!
Del arrives back.
Del
Right, you fit then Rodders,
eh?
Rodney turns to face him. A large red weal is on his face.
Rodney
Yeah, yeah fit.
Del
Here, you ain't 'arf got a
nasty rash coming up on your
boat race.
Rodney
Oh yeah, yeah that's, um,
that's just where I caught the
sun, you know.
Del
Well, if I didn't know any
better I'd swear that someone
had smacked you right in the
eye.
Rodney
Alright don't go on about it.
Del
What d'you mean? You're a
touchy little git sometimes
ain't yer?
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
The room is in darkness. The front door is heard opening.
Del enters the lounge and switches the lights on. He is
wearing an evening suit, velvet bow tie, frilly shirt,
gold cuff-links, etc. Miranda follows him in, wearing a
low-cut, full-length evening gown. They appear as if they
have just returned from an evening at The Savoy.
Del
Here we are. That's it. Do
come in. There we are. I'll
get the door. Oh, allow me.
Thank you, there you are
Miranda. Sit yourself down on
the chaise longue and I'll
fix us a drink. Now what can
I get you, port and lemon,
rum and coke? Or shall I
surprise you?
Miranda
Why don't you surprise me.
Del
Right you are. There we go.
That was a blinding meal
weren't it Miranda, eh?
Miranda
Yes, it was very nice. I did
feel a bit over-dressed for a
Berni Inn though.
Del
I don't think so. I think we
made quite an impression - I
mean everybody was looking at
us.
Miranda
Yes.
Del returns to the sofa with two 'red' drinks.
Del
Take a sip of that Miranda.
Miranda
What is it?
Del
That is called a Tequila Sunset.
Cheers.
Miranda
It tastes of gin.
Del
Yeah, I run out of Tequila.
Miranda
Well, it's very nice.
Del
Yeah, it is innit? I actually
got the recipe off a Mexican
barman.
Miranda
Have you been to Mexico?
Del
No, no, he lives in the flat
upstairs. Miranda. I, well,
I've been, thinking about us.
And I've...
Miranda reacts to something she has found down the side
of the sofa. She produces a 'Penthouse' magazine. Del
takes it from her.
Del (cont'd)
Oh yes, sorry about that, it
belongs to Rodney. He's into
still-life. He's got his GCE
in Art you know.
Miranda
Really?
Del
Oh yeah. He'll most probably
be famous when he's dead. As I
was saying - I've been
thinking about you and me.
Miranda
Do you like art?
Del
Oh yeah, it's triffic, I can't
get enough of it. You see the
thing is that I was thinking...
Miranda
(Referring to
drink)
This is very strong.
Del
Yeah.
Miranda
Do you like Cézanne?
Del
Oh yes, a bit of ice and
lemonade, it's lovely. You
see, you and I have got, well,
you know. We've got a lot in
common, haven't we? I mean
we're both - well - English.
Miranda
I do love that painting.
Del
Yeah, it's triffic innit?
Miranda
Your grandmother must have had
very good taste.
Del
No, she couldn't have had much,
she married my grandfather.
Miranda
Do you like that painting
Derek?
Del
What that? No, I hate it,
can't wait to get rid of it.
Miranda
Oh don't ever throw it away,
please. It would look so nice
in my flat. I'd hang it just
above my bed. Just try to
picture it. Oh you can't -
I've just remembered, you
haven't seen my bedroom...yet.
Del
No, I haven't seen your bed-
room...yet.
Miranda
You were saying?
Del
What?
Miranda
You were talking about...us.
Del
Oh yeah. Yeah - yeah. Well, I
was gonna say that I was
thinking about - well - you
know maybe later - you know -
not now - if you like in the
future sometime, when you,
sort of felt like it, we
could, sort of, work closer
together.
Miranda
I've been thinking exactly the
same thing.
Del
Have you?
Miranda
Ever since I first met you.
For the first time ever, Del appears to be lost for words.
Del
Oh Miranda, drink up, I'll get
you another Tequila Sunset.
Miranda
No really, I've had quite
enough.
Del
Yeah, alright, shall I put my
Richard Clayderman LP on?
Miranda
No, I must be going. I have to
be up early in the morning,
Mummy and Daddy will probably
ring first thing to wish me
happy returns. You know what
parents are like.
Del
No, I haven't had any for
ages. Sorry, did you say it's
your birthday?
Miranda
Yes. Surely I told you?
Del
I s'pose you must...
Miranda
Oh, you haven't bought me a
present?
Del
What?
Miranda
Oh you really shouldn't have.
It's very sweet of you though,
thank you.
(Kisses him on
the lips)
I really must be off.
Miranda exits.
Del, while mulling the situation over, his eyes fall on
the painting. He looks up towards heaven.
Del
Sorry Gran.
THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE.
Rodney is laid out on the settee feeling hung-over.
Grandad is clearing the breakfast things from the table.
Del, dresses to kill and carrying a bunch of daffodils
and a birthday card, enters form the hall.
Del
Good morning Rodders, good
morning Grandfather. It's a
beautiful day out innit, eh?
Makes you glad to be alive,
don't it?
Rodney
Yeah, triffic.
Grandad
Where you off to then Del?
Del
I'm going out to Miranda's
shop. Just to see the cabinet.
Rodney
What time's visiting hours
then?
Del
There's nothing wrong with
that cabinet, Rodney. I keep
on telling you, it's very nice
cabinet.
Rodney
Yeah, it is. I mean a million
wooodworms can't be wrong can
they?
Del
I've told you before Rodney,
there are no woodworms in
that cabinet.
Rodney
(Looking at the
Birthday card)
Whose birthday is it then Del?
Del
Mine if I play my cards right!
Grandad
(Reading)
'Happy birthday sweetheart,
from your ever loving Delly-
Welly.'
Grandad and Rodney laugh.
Rodney
Delly-Wally more like it.
Del
Alright. Alright, put that
down and let's not have so
much of it, shall we.
Grandad
(Sarcastically)
It's Miranda's birthday Rodney
and we forgot.
Rodney
Oh no, what a choker, still
never mind.
Grandad
What d'you get for her birth-
day Del?
Del
Eh?
Del looks to where Gran's painting was, which is now an
empty space.
Del (cont'd)
Oh, nothing much!
Grandad has caught Del's glance. He turns and reacts.
Grandad
What's happened to your Gran's
painting?
Del
Eh? Well, I told you the sun
would affect it didn't I?
Grandad
Sun, my arse, you've given it
to that tart ain't yer?
Del
Well, she's not gonna raffle
it, is she? She'll only hang
it on her bedroom wall.
Grandad
Your Gran brought that
painting into this house Del.
There was an history behind
it, and you knew it.
Rodney
You stole your own Grand-
mother's painting?
Del
I didn't steal the painting.
Gran left that painting to me.
Grandad
Don't give me that old Mother
Hubbbard.
Del
She did. One night, when she
wasn't feeling too well, she
said to me, she said, 'Del,
when I go that painting is
yours.'
Grandad
I don't remember it.
Del
No, you were out.
Grandad
That's handy innit, no witnes-
ses.
Del
There were witnesses. There
was Mum and Rodney.
Grandad
Mum ain't here any more.
Del
I know that but Rodney is. You
remember don't you Rodney?
Rodney
I can't say I do Del.
Del
But you must remember. You
were there, over there in the
corner. With Mum...having yer
nappy changed.
Grandad
Having his nappy cha...He
could have only been about
four.
Rodney
Exactly, how the hell do you
expect...Four???
Grandad
I never thought I'd live to
see the day when you, you of
all people, let the family
down.
Del
Here, Grandad. Come on.
Del produces a wad of notes.
Del (cont'd)
Here you are, look, have a
tenner, come on.
Grandad gives him a look of contempt. He exits.
Rodney
She's got you tied up like a
turkey ain't she? You've
changed since you met her
Del.
Del
You've got more hooter than
Pinocchio. Just stay out of my
life, will you.
Rodney
Yeah, I'll stay out of your
life. In fact, I think I can
quite safely say that me and
Grandad won't ever get under
your feet again.
(Looking at the
flowers)
I just hope Miranda suffers
with hay-fever.
Del
Rodney.
Rodney
What?
Del
Don't be a plonker.
Del exits. Grandad enters.
Grandad
Did he leave that tenner?
ANTIQUE SHOP/LONDON STREET.
A street in the quiche lorraine and Burberry sector of
Chelsea. The shop is very upmarket. The three-wheeled
van pops to a halt outside the shop. Del alights and
moves to the shop. The door has a 'Closed' sign on it.
Del tries to open the door but finds it is locked. He
knocks on the door. Harry, a furniture restorer,
enters from the back of the shop and approaches the
front door. He unlocks it.
Del
Hello Harry. Is Miranda about?
Harry
No, she's popped down to
Huddleton's. Just down the
road there, on yer left Del.
Del
Right, I'll pop down and see
her. Here, how come you ain't
open?
Harry
Had to close mate, we're being
fumigated, the place is full
of woodworm.
Del
You wanna watch that H.
Especially with your wooden
leg!
HUDDLETON'S AUCTION ROOMS.
This is very upmarket. Sotherby's-type establishment.
Miranda is sat bidding for an item.
Auctioneer
Two thousand two hundred - two
thousand five hundred - two
thousand seven hundred...
(To Miranda)
Three thousand pounds.
The Auctioneer gestures in the opposite direction to a
representative of the gallery.
Auctioneer (cont'd)
The bid is with Gideon's
Gallery...
Miranda gives the merest of nods.
Auctioneer (cont'd)
Three thousand two hundred
pounds.
The representative raises his programme. To Miranda.
Auctioneer (cont'd)
Three thousand four hundred -
three thousand five hundred,
the bid is with Gideon's.
Del enters and surveys the room. This is the kind of place
he has dreamed about. He spots Miranda and waves with the
flowers.
Auctioneer
(Spotting Del)
Three thousand, six hundred
pounds, with the gentleman at
the back...
Miranda, unaware of Del, nods back.
Auctioneer (cont'd)
Three thousand, eight hundred
pounds, with Miss Davenport.
The Auctioneer checks the rest of the room.
Auctioneer (cont'd)
Three thousand, eight hundred
pounds?
He bangs the gavel.
Auctioneer (cont'd)
To Miss Davenport.
As the bidding has now finished there is a hum of
conversation from the other people in the room. Del joins
Miranda. She is embarrassed by Del's proximity.
Miranda
Derek.
Del
Yeah.
Miranda
What are you doing here?
Del
I thought I'd just pop up and
take you out to lunch, you
know, sort of birthday treat.
Miranda
Birthday? Oh yes. How sweet.
Del
These are for you. They're
daffodils.
Miranda
(Not wishing to handle
anything as common as
daffodils)
So they are.
Del
They used to be my Mum's
favourite.
Miranda
Oh really? Well, thank you.
Look, I'm rather busy at the
moment. Why don't you wait
for me at that little wine
bar round the corner?
Del
Yeah, alright. Will you be
long?
Miranda
(Sharply)
How should I know?
(Hands him the
flowers)
Look, take these with you as
well please.
Del
(Hurt)
Yes - yeah, right.
Del goes to leave. As he does he glances towards the
rostrum and does a double take. There on the rostrum is
Gran's painting being exhibited as the next item.
Auctioneer
Now, Lot 24 is this recently
discovered work by the late
19th-century artist Joshua
Blythe. Now it's a
particularly fine example of
his work and I'd like to
start the bidding at seven
thousand pounds. Do I have
seven thousand pounds?
Someone bids.
Auctioneer (cont'd)
Seven thousand pounds.
Del sits next to Miranda who feels embarrassed that the
truth has come out.
Del
You lied to me, didn't you?
Miranda
Nobody's perfect.
Del
It's not your birthday at all,
is it?
Miranda
It will be soon.
Del
All you wanted me for was that
painting weren't it?
Miranda
Well, what else did you think
I was interested in? That
banana box of a Queen Anne
cabinet? The damn thing's
infested my entire stock.
Del
No, I thought, you know, maybe
there was something else.
Miranda
Oh, you did? Did you honestly
think I enjoyed being in the
company of a man who slapped
my bottom, called me sweet-
heart and assaulted my
digestive system with third-
rate curries.
Del
Yeah.
Miranda
You must be a fool.
Del
Miranda, you should have told
me that you wanted to sell
the painting.
Miranda
Don't be ridiculous, I'm in
business I realised how
valuable it was the moment I
saw it. Why should I tell
you?
Del
No, Miranda, you don't under-
stand.
Miranda
I think you're the one who's
confused Derek. And let's get
one thing absolutely clear.
That painting is now mine.
It's been legally registered
in my name. Mummy and Daddy
have even signed an affidavit
to swear that the painting has
been in our family for
generations.
Del
Thank Gawd for that. I've been
trying to get shot of that
painting for years.
Miranda
What do you mean?
Del
I know exactly what that
painting is and I know exactly
how much it's worth.
Miranda
Rubbish. How could someone
like you possibly know that?
Del
I'll tell you how I know that
shall I? Because my Gran used
to be a char-lady to an art
dealer. That's how I know.
Miranda
Oh I see, and this Mrs Mopp
examined it did she?
Del
No, she didn't examine it. She
nicked it!
Auctioneer
Seventeen thousand, six hundred
pounds.
Del
Good luck sweetheart.
Del exits.
'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes
only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these
pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us
a mention, will yer?'
Bonjour. Derek Trotter
President (T.I.T.)
Only Fools And Horses
& © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.
© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.