Only Fools And Horses

Friday The 14th

THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Rodney is at the table eating a Chinese take-away. As he eats he reads an edition of 'Penthouse'. Grandad is seated watching the TVs. The door opens and the ends of three fishing rods poke into the room. Del enters holding the other ends of the rods. He also carries a couple of angler's wicker boxes, a couple of keep-nets and a couple of pairs of waders. Del Here we are. Guess where we're going at the weekend? Rodney No. Give us a clue. Del Alright Rodders, if you insist. Del opens a round aluminium tin and puts it next to Rodney's rice. It is full of maggots. Rodney Eerrgh, you pig, you. Geddit away. Del How's that rice going down, alright? Rodney Geddit out. Grandad Where are we going then Del? Del We're going skiing. Where d'you think we're going you soppy old...We're going fishing aren't we? Grandad Well, I know that. I mean where? Del Oh. I see what you mean, we're going to a place called Tregower. Rodney Where's that? Del Cornwall. Rodney and Grandad Cornwall? Grandad Why are we going all the way down there? Del Because that's where Boycie's weekend cottage is. I had dinner with him lat night at Mario's restaurant and he happened to mention he'd got this weekend cottage and it was free and so Bob's yer uncle. Grandad How much rent he charging you? Del Nothing. Rodney He's letting us have it for free? Del Yeah, all for gratis. Rodney (Suspicious) Come on, Del, there's gotta be something behind this. 'Cos Boycie would scalp you if dandruff had a going rate. Del You're becoming so cynical Rodney. He's just doing a mate a favour isn't he, eh? Rodney Wait a minute. You met him in Mario's? Del Yeah, that's right, yeah. Grandad come on, look, clear all this fishing gear will you 'cos I want to pop out. Rodney Mario's is a fish restaurant. Del Is it? Yeah, see you later. Rodney Bit of a coincidence Del, innit, you meeting him in a fish restaurant and the next thing we're all going fishing. Del He's like Elliot bleedin' Ness at times ain't he, eh? Alright Rodney, I was gonna tell you when we got down there - you know - as a sort of surprise like. Rodney Oh yeah! Del Yeah, yeah, as a surprise, yeah. Well, this cottage happens to near one of the finest salmon fishing streams in England. Now Mario has agreed to pay us ten quid for every fish that we bring back. Now Boycie and I are going to halve it, that's a fiver each. So let's say that we - we do what, 60 fish, that will be 300 sovs in our pocket. We split it three ways that means you and Grandad get fifty quid each, a weekend's fishing and free digs. Now, what d'you reckon to that? Rodney I reckon it's illegal. Del You hurt me sometimes Rodney. You really do, you don't even let me finish before you go jumping to your nasty little conclusions. Grandad It's lucky you ain't a judge Rodney - you'd hang 'em before they'd finished the oath. Rodney Alright. Alright. I'm sorry. I just thought. Del Yeah, I know exactly what you thought. Rodney So we've got permission have we? Del Well, we will have. We see the gamekeeper when we get down there and pay him 25 quid. Rodney What and he gives us a fishing permit? Del No - he shows us the hole in the fence. Rodney I knew it. Del It's called business. Rodney It's called stealing. Grandad No it ain't Rodney. Del Listen to your Grandad. Grandad It's called poaching. Rodney And what do we know about that, eh? (Indicating Grandad) Del, he can't even poach an egg! Del Rodney, it'll be a doddle. This stream's jam-packed with salmon. We just put our hooks in and whip 'em out. Rodney Del - it is illegal, it is immoral, it is unethical. Del Alright, me and Grandad'll go on our own, and split the profits between us. Rodney (Sudden change of mind) Now I didn't say I wouldn't come, did I? A BY-PASS OR MOTORWAY. The fishing rods are tied to a roof rack on the van. It passes a sign saying 'The West'. Rodney (Voice over with Rodney Singing) 'Gone poaching, ba ba ba ba, left a sign upon the door. Gone poaching, ba ba.' Del You keep on Rodney and you're gonna get a smack right in the ear'ole. VAN. There is a violent storm. The van is waved down by a policeman with a torch at the side of the road. Rodney Oi, oi, oi, what' all this about? Del Ooh my Gawd, it's the Old Bill! Grandad Someone's doubled you up about them salmon. Del Ssh. Look, just let me do the talking. The van pulls to a halt. Del winds the window down. Del (cont') Good evening Officer. Now, if it's about the tax disc I can assure you that the new one is in the post. PC It's nothing to do with your road fund licence sir. Down for a bit of fishing are we? Del No, no, no, no, nothing like that, no. PC Then why have you got three fishing rods tied to yer roof rack? Rodney No, no, 'cos you remember we said we might do a little bit of fishing. Del Yeah, that's right, yeah, yeah, might do - you know - just a little bit - tiddlers. Grandad No salmon though. PC I see. You haven't given any- one a lift in the last half- hour or so have you sir? Del No. Look, what is all this about anyway? PC We've just had word that a patientís escaped from the local hospital. Rodney Escaped? What you got out here, national health stalags? PC It's no ordinary hospital sir. It's an institute for the criminally insane. See, this storm's brought a few power cables down, blacked out the entire area. It even put the institute's security system out of action. So this patient took his chance and made of across the moors. He's out there somewhere now. For all I know he could be watching us. Del What was he in there for any- way? PC Ten years ago this very night, he killed a party of weekend fishermen. You may have seen it on the TV? They called him the Axe Murderer. Del No, no, no, I must have been out that night. PC You good people be very careful. Don't pick up any hitch-hikers, don't stop for anyone, no matter what the circumstances. And, if you see or hear anything suspicious, phone the police immediately. Your lives may depend on it. Right gentlemen - have a nice weekend won't you? Del (Weakly) Yeah, thank you... (Pulling himself together) Yeah, well, come on. Full ahead both Rodney. Grandad We ain't going on are we? Del Yeah, course we are. Rodney Del, there is a crazed axe murderer out there somewhere. Del I know that Rodders, but you seem to be forgetting that we're on a 300 quid earner. Don't worry, we'll be locked up safe and sound in Boycie's cottage. Anyway there's three of us... Del has seen Grandad's frightened expression. Del (cont'd) There's me and you... Del sees Rodney's frightened expression. Del (cont'd) Don't worry, I'll look after you! THE COTTAGE/WOODLANDS. The cottage stands alone. A small dirt track leads through the trees to it. The storm continues as the van makes its way own the track. It pulls up outside the cottage. Del limbs out, opening an umbrella. Del Right, get this stuff out of here, come on. Rodney Alright. Grandad. In the foliage a man's heavy breathing can be heard. He moves the foliage with his hand to get a better view of the Trotters as they enter the cottage. THE COTTAGE. LIVING ROOM. The decor and furnishing is basic but comfortable. Del enters and tries to switch a light on. The place remains in darkness and Del remembers the entire area has been blacked out. Grandad and Rodney enter. Grandad I wish you'd shut up Rodney, you're making me nervous. Rodney Look, I didn't say I saw 'someone' did I? Just that I saw 'something'. Del Yeah, alright don't worry, get them lanterns going will you Rodney. Rodney Why, what's wrong with the lights? Del No electric is there. Rodney Someone's been tampering with it. Del No, look, the storm has blown the power cables down remember? The whole area's blacked out innit? Rodney Oh yeah! Del Yeah, I'll just see if I can find some candles in this cupboard over here... He sees Rodney dialing the telephone. Del (cont'd) What are you doing? Rodney I'm phoning the law! Del You're doing what? What are you trying to do to me? Cor, look, we're down here doing a bit of 'fishing', the last thing we need is the local Polizia sniffing round our keep-nets. Rodney Look, that copper said that if we see or hear anything suspicious phone the police immediately - our lives could depend on it. Del Alright then, who have you seen Hawkeye? Rodney I saw a - well, a movement in the trees. Del A movement? Of course you're gonna see movement in the trees - there's a ruddy typhoid blowing out there. Rodney Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry. Del It's alright, come on, pull yourself together, alright. Del That's it. Rodney It's a typhoon. Del Good idea Rodney, put the kettle on, we'll have a nice cup of tea. Rodney Del, there's only an electric kettle out there. Grandad Well, use a saucepan then. Rodney No, there ain't none. Del Gordon Bennett. Look, come out of my way, look, I'll do it. Here, look - have a look in that cupboard, see if Boycie's left any scotch will you. If he hasn't we'll have to drink mine! KITCHEN. Del enters and begins filling the saucepan from the tap. Del Here you are Rodney. See what I mean, there ain't no ghosts or ghouls out here! At the kitchen window, there is a flash of lightning and a silhouette of a man standing outside the kitchen window. LIVING ROOM. Rodney is kneeling at the open door of the sideboard with a horrified expression. Grandad is close by looking equally horrified. Grandad Del Boy, come in here quick. Rodney's found something! Del enters. Del Has he? What? Rodney produces a game of monopoly. Del (cont'd) Monopoly! Oh, now we are all doomed! Grandad Not the monopoly! Rodney produces a hand axe. Del Well, it's only a chopper. Rodney It's an axe! Del Same thing. Rodney No, Del. The police ain't looking for an escaped chopper murderer. Del Let - just a minute - let me ask you two something. Where are we? Grandad We're in schtuck! Del No! We're in the country, arenít we? And country people have these things hanging about. It's part and parcel of their lives. Rodney Alright, let me ask you some- thing. Where do you think that escaped bloke is right now? Del Probably out there on them moors. Rodney In this weather? Del Well, he's mad ain't he? Grandad He might be mad, he'd have to be bloody stupid to be out in the moors. Rodney Exactly. I reckon he'd have holed up somewhere. Found him- self an empty place. Like this! Del Yeah, but this place ain't empty, is it? Rodney It was before we arrived, Del. Rodney looks fearfully up the stairs. Del What d'you reckon, alright then, he's up there having a kip? Grandad Well, he could be up there. Del Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, 'cos the three bears have probably eaten him by now. I mean, what is this fairy story that you're giving me? What's the matter with you two? You been sniffing the bostik or something? Rodney Alright then, well, why don't you go up the wooden hill to Bedfordshire and check it out? Del I don't have to. Look, I mean, listen, would any self- respecting axe murderer pop upstairs for 40 winks and leave his chopper in the sideboard? Rodney He might have a spare one. Del He's got a kit of 'em now has he? I suppose he's got a little caddie that carries 'em round for him. And another thing. If the man of the moment is upstairs having a lie-in, who was that you saw out there in the trees? His brother? Rodney Oh yeah, that's right. Grandad He can't be in to places at once. Rodney No, of course not. Oh, he's most probably half-way to London by now. Del Yeah, of course he is. He's most probably looking for an empty place up there. Grandad Hope he don't find our flat! Del Will you hut up? Will you just stop all this nonsense? Now look, are we all agreed that we are safe and sound? Grandad Well, well yeah. Del Right. Right. Now can you just, like, relax a bit now, you know. Alright? Here you are. Now, I wonder where the toilet is? Rodney It's outside, I saw it as we come in. Del Right! Del moves to the door then stops. Del (cont'd) I think I'll leave it till morning. THE LIVING ROOM. It is later. The Trotters are playing Monopoly. Del is winning. Rodney is moving his symbol around the board. Del Ah - Park lane. I think that's one of my properties Rodney. Rodney Course it is - you own every- thing on the board. Del No I don't, no I don't. Look, you've got Coventry Street. Grandad's got the Waterworks and all that. Ah, yeah, Park Lane, with one hotel, two thousand please. Rodney Two - hold on. According to this it only fifteen hundred! Del Yes, I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I? Rodney I don't want the penthouse suite do I! (Hands money to Del) There you go, fifteen hundred quid - that's all you're getting! Grandad He's like a big kid ain't he? Del Yeah, well, I give up on him, Grandad. Rodney It's your go, Grandfather... Grandad rolls the dice and moves his symbol. Rodney Ah, Piccadilly. Right that's mine and I've got an hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds! Grandad Twelve hundred quid for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks? Rodney What? Grandad All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car or look for a bed and breakfast. Rodney No - no you don't understand. Bless his little...Look, it's in the rules. Grandad Twelve hundred quid - it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know. Rodney Del, can you have a word with him? Del Well, I think he's got a point, Rodney. I mean, I don't know what possessed you to build a hotel next to the sewage farm in the first place. I mean, let's face it, your gaff's never going to get into the Michelin Guide is it? Rodney But the point of the... Rodney cannot find an answer. In frustration, he flips the Monopoly board up in the air, scattering the pieces everywhere. Rodney (cont'd) Stupid bloody game! Del Oh that's charming that is innit, eh? Grandad Just because you're losing. Rodney Oh shuddup. Del You wanna learn to grow up a bit my son. Rodney I didn't wanna play this stupid bloody game in the first place. Del Yeah, alright. Grandad, I think there's an hotel under- neath your chair. If there's any money down there it's mine, alright. There's the car...any more money down there? Rodney is at the window. For no other reason than for something to do, he leans towards the window and pulls the curtains open. On the other side of the glass, only inches from his face, is a man. There is a slight pause. Rodney appears frozen. He pulls the curtain closed and turns to Del and Grandad who are still scrambling on the floor for pieces. Rodney Del. Del Don't you speak to me Rodney, I'm finished with yer. Rodney Del, there is a man at the window. Del You what? Rodney There is a man at the window. Grandad He ain't got a bucket and a shammy leather has he? Rodney I'm being serious, Del. There is somebody at the window! Rodney's tone of voice forces Del to take him seriously. Del Alright Roddy - alright. Relax, just take it easy alright? I'll take a look. Del moves to the window and pulls the curtain open. The man has gone. Del (cont'd) There's no one out there, Rodney, Look. There's no one out there. Rodney He was there, Del, I swear to you. My face was inches from that glass. Grandad What did he look like? Rodney Horrible. He had these evil eyes and this grotesque evil face. Del Maybe it was a reflection! Rodney That was no reflection Del, I swear to God...What d'yer mean 'a reflection'? Del No, no, what I mean is that your imagination sometimes play games with you, you know. It tricks you into believing that you saw something that isn't really there. Rodney Del, I saw the rain running down his forehead, I saw the blood vessels in the whites of his eyes. I saw the hairs coming out of his nostrils. Grandad It might have been the shadows in the trees, Rodney. There is a loud thumping on the front door. The Trotters freeze. Another loud thumping follows. A well-spoken voice is heard. Chief (Out of view) Is anyone there? Grandad I think there's someone at the door! Rodney No, no, it's most probably just the shadows. Del Shadows? Well until they start singing Summer Holiday we'll expect the worst. (Calls) Who's there? Chief (Out of view) Oh good evening. My name's Robson, I'm chief of security at the institution. Rodney Oh thank Gawd for that! Del (Grabbing Rodney's arm) What the hell do you think you're doing? Rodney He's chief of security at the hospital. Del Says who? Rodney Well he, just his minute...oh yeah! Del He could be anyone couldn't he? You get ready! Del opens the door. Momentarily, the chief can be seen. He is in his early forties, wears a uniform and cap and also a waterproof cape. He smiles and is about to enter when Del slams the door on him. Del (cont'd) Well? Rodney Well what? Del Is that him? Rodney Who? Del The face at the window. Rodney I don't know, I didn't look! Del You wally! Rodney You never said what you was gonna do. Chief (Out of view) Is everything alright? Del Yeah... I won't keep you a minute Chief. (To Rodney) Now do it - do it gain and this time take a good look. Rodney Alright. Del Alright ready. Del swings the door open. Chief Good evening. He is about to step in when Del slams the door again. Del Well? Rodney No, it's not him. Del You sure? Rodney Yeah, I'm positive. That is definitely not him. Del Alright. (Opening door) Do come in, Chief. The Chief enters and removes his cape. Chief Thank you. Appauling weather. Del Yes, sorry about leaving you standing out there but you can't be too sure can you - you know. We thought you might be a double-glazing salesman! Chief What? Oh yes. The Chief takes a wallet from his pocket. Chief (cont'd) Well, if you'd like to see some identification there's everything there from my driving licence to my blood donor's card. Del Oh no, no, that's alright, alright. Rodney, fix the Chief a drink will you? So, you haven't caught him then yet? Chief Unfortunately no. We've extended the search up to this area now. We've the entire police orces of three counties out looking for him. I was passing, saw a light. What exactly are you gentlemen doing here? Grandad Oh, we're on a fishing trip. Chief I don't suppose you've seen anything? Grandad Well other than the face at the window, nothing. Chief Face at the window? Del Yeah, well, Rodney here reckoned he saw a face at the window. I don't know whether to believe him or not. Rodney Oh I saw him Del, I was only sort of like three inches away from him. Chief Could you describe him for me? Rodney Yeah, of course I could. He was about 50. He had this gaunt, hungry expression and his eyes were like wild animal's. Del And hairs out of his nostrils! Rodney Yeah, and there was all that! Chief You're quite certain it wasn't a reflection? Rodney Look, it was not a reflection! Chief I'm sorry, but at times like these people's imagination run amok. Why, we've had 200 sightings this evening alone. What was the colour of his hair? Rodney has not quite understood the question. He puts his hand to his nostrils. Chief (cont'd) On his head! Rodney Oh, er, grey. Chief Sounds like my man. When exactly did this happen? Del Well just no. A minute or so before you arrived. Chief So he must have seen me. Chief looks from the window. Del D'you reckon he's still out there then? Chief Oh no, he'd be long gone by now. It's the uniform you see - he's terrified of people in authority. Well, after ten years in an institution who wouldn't be? Del Yeah, well, I feel sorry for the poor little cock. Chief, do you mind if I ask you something? Chief What's that? Del Well is it safe for me to go to the khazi? I mean it's outside. Chief Oh you're perfectly safe. He'll be a long way away by now. Del goes to the door, opens it and surveys outside. Del Oh good! Right, that's alright then. Rodney Well go on then Del, there's nothing to be frightened of now. Del I know, you don't have to go out here, do you? Rodney You heard what the Chief said. Go on, there's no need to worry. Del Yeah, well, alright. Del exits. Rodney closes the door, turns the key and then slides the slip bolts across at the top and bottom of the door. Rodney He's such a worrier. Chief You weren't frightened at all? Rodney Me? Na. No 'cos you see, in the past I have done work for the mentally disturbed. Grandad He went out selling flags one Saturday. Rodney Well yeah, but, er, I can actually sympathise with this guy's problems. Grandad Sympathise? But he's psycho. Chief Have you any idea what a 'psycho', as you so eloquently put it, is? Grandad Course I have. He's a geezer that dresses up in his mother's clothes. THE COTTAGE. 'The Man' appears. He moves towards the cottage. As he reaches the door of the outside toilet it flies open, masking the man. Del exits from the lavvy. He closes the door to reveal the man lying spread-eagled on the ground. Del Bloody hell's bells. Rodney, Grandad, come out here quick, bring some rope. A RURAL POLICE STATION. The rain has ceased. Grandad stands guard at the back of the van. Rodney, followed by a police sergeant and a couple of constables, exits from the station. Rodney Yeah, so then, right, I grab- bed the axe out of his hand and I cracked him good and hard on the jaw, so obviously he went down right. Then I tied him up good and tight and we bundled him into the back of the van. Sarge Good work lad. You say you captured him single handed? Rodney Yeah. Well, no, Del, my brother, back at the cottage he helped a bit. Grandad You're too modest, Rodney. Sarge Well, there could be a medal in this. Rodney (Shrugging modestly) Well. Sarge Right, get ready lads, this one could be a handful. They pull the man up, then turn to Rodney. Sarge (cont'd) Is this some kind of joke? Rodney What d'you mean? Sarge This is no escaped lunatic. This is Tome Witton, the game- keeper. And you shouldn't have gagged him like that, he suffers from asthma. Sarge removes the gag and we hear the gamekeeper's heavy breathing. Rodney Now hold on a minute - the Chief of Security from the Institution itself said it was him. Sarge What Chief of Security? Grandad What's his name? Robson. I mean, you can ask him yourself, he's back at the cottage with Del. Sarge Chief Robson is not at the cottage - he's at the hospital. The escaped man hit him on the head then stole his uniform and his identity papers. THE COTTAGE LIVING ROOM Del Well, I still reckon we should have gone with 'em. Chief No. It was imperative that I made out my report immediate- ly. And after all I needed you here with me, you were the one who recaptured him. Del Well, yeah, I suppose, yeah. Hey, what do you say we have a nice little drink to celebrate, eh? Del moves towards a bottle of scotch. The Chief has a manic glaze in his eyes. Del pours the drinks. He looks from a window. Del (cont'd) The old weather's clearing up nicely. Look at that, it's a full moon. The chief reacts. He moves towards Del who has his back to the Chief. He reaches his hand as if to take Del by the back of the neck. Del turns an places the glass in his outstretched hand. Del (cont'd) There you go, Chief... The telephone rings, Del answers it. Del Excuse me. Yes, hello. Hello ...Rodders, did you get there all...Yeah. Em. He's what?? Del turns and gives the Chief a forced smile. Del (cont'd) Alright? No, you alright? The Chief's just standing there, you know, examining his axe... Yeah, alright then. You'll hurry back won't you? Alright goodbye. (Replacing receiver) Just phoned up to tell us he got here alright. Chief Good. Do you like fish? Del What? Chief Do you like fish?? Del Oh yeah, yeah, little bit of salt an' vinegar, they're lovely. Chief I only like living fish. Fish that swim in the rivers and the seas. I don't like people that kill them. Del No, no, no, don't like that sort myself either. Chief But I saw fishing rods on your van. Del No, no, no, they didn't belong to me, they belong to my brother and Grandad. I mean, I keep telling them. I beg 'em not to hurt the poor little fishies. I mean, I only come down here for the fresh air. Chief Do you like snooker? Del Snooker? Chief Yes. Del Do you? Chief Oh yes. Del So do I. It's triffic innit? Chief Shall we play a game? Del Of snooker? Chief Yes. Del Yeah, yeah, alright. I'll tell you what. I'll jut pop out to the shed at the bottom of the garden 'cos I think I remember seeing a snooker table in there. The Chief indicates the middle of the room. Chief No need, we'll use this one here. Del What you mean this one here, you mean? Chief Yes. Del Yeah, yeah okay. There is the sound of a helicopter passing over. Del looks from the window, closing his eyes with relief. Chief Is that a police helicopter? Del No, you're alight. (A quick thought) It's Barratts!! Chief Good. You can break. Del prepares himself for the gamble of the evening. He reaches out tentatively for the axe. Del Um, I tell you what, why don't I put that somewhere safe? Because you won't be able to hold yer cue properly with that in your hand, will you? For a moment the Chief is wary and defensive. Chief No, I suppose you're right. Del (Slowly taking the axe) Yeah, course I am. You know it makes sense. Del looks up to God in silent gratitude. The Chief thrusts both hands out in front of him, fists clenched. Chief Which cue would you like? Del I'll have this one. He is handed the right hand 'cue'. Chief (Indicting his left hand 'cue') Good, this is my favourite. Del Yeah, you can see it's a good 'un, can't you? Chief I'm not very good at snooker. I always lose. Del I've got a feeling you're gonna win this one. Chief I hope not. I don't like winning. My father used to force me to win at everything I did. But people challenge winners. You become vulnerable, you feel open to attack. Do you know the feeling? Del (Emphatically) Yeah, yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Chief But losers are anonymous. No one wants to challenge a loser. There's something comforting in defeat. I really like losing. Del (A scheme is being born) Do you? Well, what do you say we make this game a little more interesting? Shall we play for a tenner a frame? Del produces his wallet. Chief Alright. Del (Quietly) Got a feeling that this week- end is not going to be a total loss after all. Chief Sorry? Del Nothing. (Surveys the room) Got the chalk? Thanks.

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
                                 only. If you decide to five-finger discount any of these 
                                 pages for your own hooky sites, at least try an' give us 
                                 a mention, will yer?'

                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


British Broadcasting Corporation

Only Fools And Horses & © The British Broadcasting Corporation (B.B.C). All Rights Reserved.

© 2002 This page owned and maintained by Maverick Scripts. Virginia. U.S.A.

Hosted by