Only Fools And Horses

It Never Rains

THE NAG'S HEAD. Del and Rodney, who have their suitcase by their side, are seated at the table. Business has been rained off for the last few days - Rodney is bored by the lack of activity, Del is agitated by the lack of earnings. Del Poxy weather! Rodney Yeah. Del Wish I was chairman of Pac-a- Mac! Rodney Hmm! Oh, by the way, a Father's Day card arrived for you this morning. Rodney hands Del an envelope. Del Is it Father's Day? It's a pity we don't know where Dad's living - we could send him a letter bomb! Er, Father's Day card? Hang about I'm not married! Rodney Oh no! I wonder what that could mean then? Del Well, I know what it could could mean! Oh no, no, no, she told me - she definitely... Del begins opening the envelope. Rodney starts laughing. Del (cont'd) You dozy little git! You nearly gave my heart a connery then. Cor dear. Rodney Well, I just wanted to liven us up a bit didn't I. I mean, for the past four days we've been hanging around in pubs and cafes waiting for this rain to leave off. 'It's just a summer shower Rodney' you said. 'Red sky at night and swallows flying backwards, that's a sure sign of a heat wave Rodney' you said. Del Alright - alright, don't go on about it! Where d'you think I work, the metaphorical office or somewhere? No, it'll soon be over. Don't worry. Who's that on there? You is it? Rodney No it's you. Del Anyway, what d'you want to drink? Rodney I'd better have just 'alf a lager. Del Yeah, well, the way business has been going this week I think I'd better join you. Del moves to the bar where Alex, a travel agent, is standing. Del (cont'd) Hello - how's it going Alex? Alex Hello Del. Want a drink? Del Oh well, go on then, I'll, um, have half a lager. Alex Half a lager. Del Yeah, and I'll have a large Drambuie with lime - with er - topped up with soda, lots of ice, slice of lemon and a little cherry on the top. Alex Two halves of lager, luv. Done much today? Del What in this weather, you must be joking. I wouldn't send a dog out in this, would you? No, I'll send Rodney out later on. See what he can do. What are you doing? Have you still got that travel agent's? Alex Yeah, it's not doing me no favours though! I thought I'd clean up on that World Cup but I couldn't get no bookings. Honest Del, I've got thousands of pounds worth of holidays just laying about. But everybody's skint. I tell you, this recession's going to be the end of me! Del Well you want to cut down on your prices then don't you, Alex, me old mate. Alex I'd lose money! Del No way - you'd have some coming in wouldn't you? I mean, I'd rather lose a thre'penny bit than a fiver, wouldn't you? Alex Well that's true, yeah. Del I mean, listen, I don't care what the papers say, there's still plenty money about. You know - if you know where to get it. I mean, you want to find some way of hooking the punters. You know, you - you want - you know, a bit of a gimmick. Alex Such as? Del Ah? Well. You put it round the manor, right, that the very next customer in your shop is going to get the biggest cut- price 'oliday in the history of travel. No - no - listen and I mean really cheap Alex right. I mean something like anywhere in the world and you'll knock off 80 per cent of the price. Alex 80 per cent, leave off. Del Eh, no 80 per cent, now listen - listen. But only to the very next customer right. So that they'll be doing see - they'll be fighting each other to get in your shop. Now once they're in there you sell the rest of them their holidays at the - the normal price don't you. Eh? This time next year you'll be a millionaire. Alex D'you know that's not a bad idea Del. Come to think of it, it's a belting idea! I tell you that's what I'm gonna do, exactly what you told me. Thanks for the advice, mate. Del That's alright, don't mention it pal. I'll see yer around alright? Alex Right. Del (Returning to the table) Fancy an 'oliday? Rodney We can't afford an 'oliday. Del Yes we can. Alex, special offer, anywhere in the world - 80 per cent off. Rodney He'll go bust! Del Yeah I know he will - I know - that's what I told him but he wouldn't listen, you know what he's like...Ah, what about it then Rodney, eh? Me and you, eh? What up into the wide blue yonder. Yeah, get a bit of the currant bun on our backs, eh? Rodney Oh yeah, I'll have some of that Del, yeah! Del Good boy, right I'll tell you what you do. (Indicating suitcase) You go down the road and knock out a bit of that gear and I'll do the old bizzo with Alex. Right? Rodney Yeah right! Oi, wait a minute! It's peeing down out there! Del Yeah well - you want some spending money for yer duty frees don't yer? Rodney Well yeah, oh I'm never gonna be able to sell this gear! Del Of course you are my son. Remember me motto. He who dares wins! Rodney Yeah right! See you later. Rodney exits. Del See you later good boy. Here, Alex. Abut that offer! LONDON BACK STREET. Rodney is standing in the pouring rain looking like a drowned rat. Rodney opens the suitcase and produces a flimsy sun hat. Rodney Genuine Italian sun hats. Made in Roma! THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. DAY. Grandad is watching the TVs. Rodney, with a towel round his head, is sitting with his feet in a bowl of hot water. Rodney I could die you know! Grandad More than likely! Rodney I mean, fancy sending me out in weather like that. Grandad Been raining has it? Rodney Been raining? Why don't you stick your nose out of that door once every so often, eh? It's been raining non-stop for four days! Grandad Tch! Del enters. Del I've done it Rodney - done it. I've booked our holiday. Here you are, my boy. That's it - there it is all in there. We're going somewhere different, we are away from the tourists. Rodney Yeah - where? Del Benidorm! It'll be fantastic Rodney, we'll have a great time won't we - eh? All that blue sea, the sunshine, dancing with all them foreign sorts! You know Viva Espania. Rodney Yeah! That's what it's all about innit? Grandad When do we go Del? Del Eh? Er, in three weeks' time Grandad. It's goodbye Luton airport, hello Benidorm... Del suddenly realizes that Grandad thinks he's going with them. Del (cont'd) Um, yeah, well the thing is Grandad... Grandad I've always wanted to go to Benidorm. Where is it? Del It's in Spain, ain't it. Grandad Spain? I've been to Spain before! Rodney Oh, oh, well you wouldn't wanna go again then, would you, it'll be the same old thing! Grandad I ain't never been to Benidorm! It'll make a nice break. Del Yeah! Yeah, the thing is Grandad - I tell you what, um, er, well look, why don't you go out in the kitchen, you know, and knock us up a nice Spanish omelette - you know, help us get in the mood. Grandad (Moves to the kitchen door) Oh! I've only got three eggs left and one of them's on the turn. Still, if I put a lot of pepper in. Del Great - triffic. Grandad exits. Rodney Are you gonna tell him? Del Oh Rodney, how can I tell him, look at him, he's got his heart set on it ain't he? Rodney We can't take him with us Del, he'll cramp our style won't he? I mean you could bring a bird back to the room, go to pour her a Sangria or some- thing and find his false teeth in the glass. Del Yeah, that would upset the romantic ambience somewhat, wouldn't it? Well, what we gonna tell him then? Rodney Er, say the food won't agree with him! Del No that won't work, you know him, he's got a stomach like a rubbish skip! Rodney Er, the change of climate! Now the last holiday we had the change of climate upset him didn't it and we'd only gone to Bangor! Del Good one! Like it. No, I can't Rodney. No look it's gonna break his heart. Rodney Alright, Del, well if you can't tell him, then I will! Del Alright. Just a minute - just now. If you're going to tell him now, do it gently will you. You know - I mean - he's family. Rodney You just - just leave it to me Del. Rodney strides purposefully into the kitchen. Del Alright, good boy Rodney. Rodney Er, Grandad, could I have a word? Rodney closes the door behind him. Del (On phone) Oh Alex? Hello it's Del Boy. Look about that holiday I booked with you this morning? Yeah - listen - um, d'you reckon the hotel could put another bed in our room? Only Grandad's coming. Oh nice one Alex. Right, yeah I'll pop that kite round to you in the morning. Alright, see you around pal. Rodney enters. Del (cont'd) Well? Rodney (Sheepishly) Oh, look, couldn't the hotel put another bed in our room? Eh no, Del, I couldn't have told him, it'd broken his heart! Del You're just like the man at the top you are ain't yer, you're utterly ruthless! Rodney I can be when I want to! Del Oh yeah. Rodney I can - I've just this minute told Grandad I don't like Spanish omelettes! Del Oh yeah - I mean - that's really being ruthless that is innit, eh? Rodney I also told him that you love 'em, so you've got two! Del puts his foot into the bowl. Del You... Rodney Careful Del, there's a bowl down there... STILLS MONTAGE. (Music: 'In The Summertime - Mungo Jerry) The Trotters go through passport control. We see their coach arrive at a small Spanish hotel. They enter their little three-bedded room. Del opens the balcony door and reacts as we see the view is of a scrap metal yard. Del and Rodney are now out on the town, dancing in a disco with a couple of girls. Then in a little bar sharing champagne with two girls. They return to the hotel with their arms wrapped around the girls. They walk along the corridor and Del opens the door to their room. He and Rodney allow the girls to enter first. HOTEL. NIGHT. Grandad is lying fast asleep on his bed, the sheets drawn back to the waist revealing the dirty old pyjama jacket he wears around the flat. On the bedside table there is a glass of water containing his false teeth. The girls, horrified, leave quickly. Del Now then what do you want... Girl Oh God! Rodney Who - Del 'Ere, hang about. Oi girls. Rodney Wendy it's alright he's asleep. Del Now come on, listen... A BEACH. DAY. A bronzed Del, wearing leopard skin swimming trunks, is laid out on a beach bed. Rodney approaches carrying three bottles of ice cold lager. Del 'Ey, watch it. Rodney There you go boy. Del Oh, cheers, this is the life, eh Rodders? When we become millionaires we'll move out - get a villa...Get Grandad one of them little old folks' homes that they have out here. Rodney What old folks homes they have out here? Del You know, we saw 'em in the holiday brochure. What d'they call 'em? Pensions! Rodney (Calls) Grandad I got yer lager! Grandad! Grandad, trousers rolled up and still wearing braces and trilby, is paddling in the water. Del hurls a small ball which whacks Grandad on the head, causing his hat to fall into the water. Del Yoohoo. Grandad, Rodney has a lager! Grandad (Fishing his hat from the sea) You oughta act yer age a bit more. That could have blinded me! Rodney Come here. Grandad I don't want nuffink to drink. I'm going back to the hotel to have a fiesta. Grandad exits. Rodney Hey, d'you reckon he's alright? He's been acting all edgy and nervous ever since we got here. Del Maybe it's all that squid he ate...The grub in the hotel ain't up to much is it, eh? Rodney Oh you can say that again! Here about that soup last night! Called it oxtail - it's more like foxtail weren't it, eh? You don't reckon he's sickening for anything do you? Del No! It's probably just the heat, he's not as young as he used to be is he. 'Ere Rodney, put some of that oil on me back will you. Rodney, still watching Grandad moving away up the beach, reaches for the sun oil but accidentally picks up the lager bottle. He pours ice cold lager on Del's back. Rodney Yeah. Oh Del I'm sorry. Sorry I thought it was oil. Del chases Rodney up the beach. THE HOTEL SWIMMING POOL. To one side of the pool area there is a small snacks and drinks bar. Del and Rodney, returning from the beach, enter. Del Childish that. Probably marked now, is it? Rodney You don’t 'alf go on don't yer? I said I'm sorry! Look, I'll go up to the room and get you a fresh shirt. Alright? Del Yeah, why don't you do that small thing Rodney, alright. Rodney exits. Del observes a girl at the bar, believing her to be French. Donning his sunglasses, he moves in for the kill. Del Bon soir. Girl Oh bonjour M'sieur. Vous restez à l'hotel? Del Defense de fumier! Avez vous Dubonnet? Girl Oui, oiu, merci... Del (To barman) Garçon, dos Dubonnet pore favore. Danke schon. Girl De quelle partie de la France êtes-vous? Del Oui! Er, je t'aime, je t'adore? Sur le pont d'Avignon! Girl Pardon M'sieur! She leaves the bar and moves to a chair close to the pool. A young Englishman (Ray) is seated on one of the inflatable chairs that litter the poolside. He is an athletic six-footer, confident to the point of arrogance. Ray Hey Jackie! Girl Hi! Ray Join me for a drink? Girl Oh, I'd love to but I think I got stuck with that little French feller over there. Ray I wouldn't worry about him. Pull up a pew - he won't bother you with me around. Del is annoyed at the snub and approaches with the two drinks. His expression indicates he's ready for trouble with Ray. Del Je suis frontières. Ray stands and dwarfs Del. Ray Thank you waiter! (To girl) I hope he doesn't kick sand in my face. Unable to compete with Ray physically, Del jabs his cigar into his inflatable chair and moves off. Ray sinks unceremoniously into the deflating chair. We hear Rodney's voice shouting. Rodney Del! Del! Del Shut up! What's up with you? I was just about to pull a French sort. Rodney Look you've got to come with me now. Come on. Del What's the matter? Rodney It's Grandad! Del Grandad? He's ill ain't he? I told you there was something the matter with him but you wouldn't listen to me would you. Rodney He's not ill! Del Well what's up with him then? Rodney He's been arrested! Del Arrested! Rodney Well come on! A SPANISH PRISON CELL. Grandad is seated on the bed looking very unhappy with his lot. The cell door is opened by the Spanish guard. Guard Veesitors! Del and Rodney enter. Grandad Huh, it's you two! Del Yeah, good afternoon Grandad, how are you? Settled in alright? (To guard) Quo vadis senor. Guard Huh. Del You know, quo vadis! Grandad Took yer time getting here didn't yer? Del Now don't you start getting stroppy with me you ungrateful old git! I've been running round this town - I've been running about here like a tit in a trance looking for you! I went to the police station, they knew you'd been arrested - but they couldn't remember what they'd done with you! Rodney Yeah. And for the last four hours I've been phoning round trying to get hold of a consul! Grandad Oh charming! So while I'm banged up in here Rodney's out trying to hire a car! Rodney Not that sort of consul, you daft old git. I mean the British consulate! Grandad Well why didn't you bring him then with you? Rodney Well why did you get yourself arrested? Del Sssh! Keep your voice down. You'll get him chucked out of here! Just - just keep calm will you, everybody please. Just nice and calm and easy. Right, what happened? Grandad Nuffing! I was just crossing the road to the hotel when this police car screeched up to me - nearly running me over - next thing I knew I was banged up in here! They ain't even charged me with nuffing! Rodney No - no - look you must have done something Grandad! You went back to the hotel for a little kip right, 'alf hour later you're doing porridge! Del Now think hard Grandad. Have you done anything remotely out of order? I mean, did you get drunk and disorderly. Did you have a punch up with the Kuwaiti supporters' club. Did you goose the maid? Grandad No! Well...there was a little incident Del. It didn't happen today though! Del Now we're getting somewhere. Alright, come on. Tell me when did it happen? Grandad 1936! Del You know for a moment there I thought you said 1936! Rodney That's funny that but so did I! Grandad In 1936 I was deported from Spain! And all her territories and dominions! Del Would you, er, would you consider it nosey of me if I were to ask you the reason why. Grandad Do you really wanna know? Rodney Well no...we're just curious that's all! Del Yeah, you know, well we just wondered. Grandad Well...I were up to no good weren't I! Del Well I didn't think they got ruddy well deported for doing missionary work id I? So what happened in 1936? Grandad The Spanish Civil War happened, that's what happened! Del The Spanish Civil...This gets worse Rodney! Grandad Oh look, it's a long long story! Rodney Well according to Manuel the guard you may have a long long time to tell it in! So let's hear it. Grandad Well in 1936 the family was living in Peabody Buildings, Peckham Rye. Oh it was terribly hard times! We had no money - no food - no future! There was millions of unemployed on the dole. Del Excuse me. Just a minute - just a - sorry - just a minute. I mean, excuse me, I may be being a wally or something, but you - can you possibly explain to me what a dole queue in Peckham has got to do with the Spanish Civil War! Grandad I'm building up to it Del! Del Having a conversation with him is like the slow death innit? Grandad One day me and my mate Nobby Clarke, we decided we had just about had enough of it. So we run off to join the Foreign Legion! Rodney The Foreign Legion? You don't mean the British Legion? Grandad The French Foreign Legion! Camels and forts, you know! So we hitch-hiked to Southampton. Del That's where their headquarters was? Grandad No! That's where we tried to get aboard a boat! Well, eventually we stowed away on a tramp steamer. We hid under the tarpaulin in the lifeboat. But oh - the voyage was terrible, there was storms and gales. Us Trotters have never made good sailors! Now Nobby was - he was alright on the water, I think it comes from the time when he was a caretaker at a seamen's mission in Grimsby. Del Oi oi, I don't want to worry you, you know, but our plane leaves in three days. What happened in Spain? Grandad Well I'm just coming to it! Oh now where was I! Del You and the Fisherman's Friend were under a tarpaulin in the lifeboat. Grandad Oh yeah! Well, when the ship finally docked guess where we were? Del and Rodney Spain! Grandad No, Tangiers! Rodney Grandad, is it worth me making any plans for my future? I mean what has all this got to do with the Foreign Legion? Grandad Tangiers was one of their main bases wasn't it. Del You see any normal person who wanted to join the French Legion would have gone to France, wouldn't they. Not him, no! Grandad Well we jumped ship and made our way to their barracks. When we got there we couldn't believe our eyes. They were the biggest band of cut- throats, villains and murderers you could ever hope to see! They was the scum of the earth! Rodney So you didn't join? Grandad We tried but they wouldn't have us! Well, now me and Nobby was in dead lumber. We had no money, we had nowhere to sleep and we was a thousand miles from home! But then we had a bit of luck, well it were more a quirk of fate really. We bumped into an Arab and he offered us a job. He said he'd pay us to take his motor launch over to the Spanish coast and deliver a...a cargo. Del What sort of 'cargo'? Grandad Guns? Rodney You mean you were gun-running in the middle of the civil war? Grandad Well that's the best time to do it Rodney, supply and demand! Rodney You dirty little mercenary! Grandad Oh we didn't do it purely for financial gain! Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause! Del Which side were you selling to? Grandad Well whichever side had the most money really. Rodney Bloody Hell! Del Oh no, no - it's alright Rodney. No, I mean, you know a conscience is nice but business is business, right. Grandad Well it was after the seventh trip when it happened...There was government troops, lying in wait for us. They arrested us and they took us to this little prison outside a town called Tarifa. They took Nobby away and...tortured him! You could hear his screams echoing through the night! Rodney Woke you up at one point didn't it? Grandad The last thing on my mind was sleep Rodney! But no matter what they done to him Nobby wouldn't say a word! Del I bet he didn't ever have his Callard and Bowser to suck did he! Grandad Then it were my turn! Rodney They...they tortured you? Grandad No! But they would have done if I hadn't told them every- thing I knew! Del, whose respect for Grandad has been growing, looks at Grandad it total dismay. Grandad (cont'd) Well, a couple of days later these government geezers arrive with our deportation orders, and well, well, that's about it! Del Are you sure that's about it? I mean you haven't forgotten any little minor details have yer? Like, I mean, you didn't pop over to Honk Kong and become an opium peddler or you didn't get a Saturday morning job as a white slave trader did you? Grandad No - I just went back to Peckham Del, put me name down on the housing list. Del Grandad, why the hell didn't you tell us all this before we left home? Grandad Well, I was gonna tell you but I thought it might spoil the 'oliday! Del Spoil the 'oliday! Well what do you think this has done? Rodney We'd have been better off with that caravan in Buenos Aires now, wouldn't we. Grandad Well it happened a long time ago. I thought the Spanish authorities would have forgotten it by now! Del Forgotten about it? Forgotten about it. You're most probably on their ten most wanted terrorists lists - you're probably somewhere between Carlos the Jackal and the Black November! Rodney September! Del What? Rodney It's September. The Black September! You said November! Del Gordon Bennett Rodney, we haven't got time to stand about here discussing signs of the bleedin' zodiac! We've gotta think of a way of getting the Red Shadow out of here! Rodney It's no sweat, they'll just deport him again! Del Just deport him. You're joking of course. They've just held the World Cup here haven't they, they've got 'arf of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first! By the time we get him back he'll be eating paella and calling us gringos! There's gotta be a way! Now there's always a way! The cell door is unlocked. Rodney Hello, visiting time's over. Del Here - listen, oi you two - now you keep schtum. Let me do all the talking alright. The guard enters the cell. Del (cont'd) Ah hello Juan! Just the one I wanted to see. Yeah, well, um, no I just wanted to say like my grandfather here was telling us about the charming reception that he's received in your charming bijou nick! Guard What ees thees you say to me, eh? You take thee peees yes? Del I'm not taking the piss, au contraire - au contraire Juan. No I was, um - the thing that I wanted to say to you - was... Del is producing a wad of peseta notes and holding them invitingly in front of the guard. Rodney Oi Del! What the bloody 'ell do you think you're doing! Del I told you keep schtum! Pardona Monsieur, El Wally. I've been racking my brains to find a way that I could possibly repay you, you know for all the good work that you've done. Del pushes the money in the guard's breast pocket. Del (cont'd) And I thought that perhaps you might give this to the charity of your choice, know what I mean? Guard The charity of my choice? Del Yeah. Guard Gracias senor. Del Grandeur. Guard Gracias! Del Now listen Juan, now - now we're such close friends, I was just wondering if you - you know, that you could pull a few strings and get me old Grandad out of this khazi? Guard Ce senor! You can go! Rodney What - go! What, just like that? Guard Si! You are free to go. Del Um, excuse me Juan, er, shouldn't you like, clear it with the Guv'ner first, you know what I mean. Guard There's no need senor, I have hees release papers here! Del You mean that you were going to let him go anyway? Guard Si senor! Del Nice one. Nice one Juan! Yes - yes a couple more years and you could be in charge of yer own borstal couldn't yer. Grandad How come you're letting me go so soon? Guard You done nothing - it's a little offence. How you say - a traffic violation. You crossa the road almost causing the car to crash! But we make no charges - bad for Angelo-Spanish relationships! Rodney Yeah, well, don't think you're getting Gibraltar back just 'cos of this! Del (To Grandad) You - well, it appears you walked across the road Grand- father! You were done for jay-walking you stupid old berk! Grandad Well I didn't know Del Boy. When they screeched to a halt I thought they'd captured me! Guard (To Del) Gracias once again senor. The charity of my choice will ve very pleased. Del I bet she will Juan, I bet she will! The guard exits. Rodney Well I suppose we'd better stop off at the drug store and get something for Grandad's cuts and bruises. Grandad I ain't got no cuts and bruises! Del It's early yet!

                                'Ere, these pages are for lack of education purposes 
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                                                                   Bonjour. Derek Trotter 
                                                                       President (T.I.T.)


British Broadcasting Corporation

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