Only Fools And Horses

Big Brother

THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. The room should reflect their style of business. Nothing is permanent. The settee and two armchairs are from three separate suits as the other pieces were used as make-weights in various other swaps. There are three TV sets; one colour, one black and white, and one with its back off awaiting repair. There are a couple of stereo music centres standing one on top of the other. Various video games, talking chess games, etc, litter the room. Their phone is one of the ornate 1920s type with separate ear-piece on an alabaster base. The decor is clean but gaudy. Dozens of clashing patterns. It should look like the start of a bad trip. Rodney is lying on the settee checking the company accounts with the help of a pocket calculator. Grandad is watching the two TVs which are showing a film. Grandad That Sidney Potter's a good actor, ain't he Rodney? He was marvellous in Guess Who's Coming To Dinner. Rodney Yeah, knockout Grandad. Sidney Potter? Grandad Yeah, you know him, always plays the black fella. Rodney It's Sidney Poitier. Grandad Sidney Potter! Rodney Look, it's Poitier. Grandad It's Potter. Rodney It's bloody Poitier I'm telling you. Grandad And I'm telling you it's bloody Potter. Del enters. Del Are you two at it again, are you? Rodney Del, how do you pronounce that fella's name on the telly? Sidney Poitier or Sidney Potter? Del Personally I'd pronounce it Harry Belafonte, but you two please yourselves. Rodney You daft old sod, it was Harry Belafonte all along. Grandad Well I wondered why Sidney Potter kept bursting into song...I don't like Harry Belafonte. Del is studying his reflection in the mirror. Del S'il vous plait, s'il vous plait, what an enigma. I get better looking every day. I can't wait for tomorrow. Oh, do you know, I think I'm suffering from something incurable. (Grandad and Rodney ignore him) Still, never mind, eh! Oi, come on Rodney, shake leg, we've got a meeting at 12. What are you doing? Rodney Our accounts. Del You keeping accounts now? Well there you are Grandad, a lot of people told me I was a right dipstick to make my brother partner in the business, but this only goes to prove how bloody right they were. You dozy little twonk Rodney, this is prima- facie evidence ain't it, eh? The tax man gets hold of that he'll put us away for three years. Rodney Don't worry, if the tax man comes I'll eat it. This is the only way I can keep a check on you, Del. I'm sure you're cheating me in some way - I just can't figure out how. Del Cheating you! Cheating you! What's that rumbling noise? Rodney I didn't hear anything. Del No, it's alright, it's Mum turning in her grave. Rodney Don't start that again, Del - it's obvious you're stitching me up. Look at you, you have three or four changes of clothes a day. Me - I've got one suit come from an Almost New Shop. It gets embarras- sing sometimes. Del Oh I embarrass you do I? You've got room to talk. You have been nothing but an embarrassment to me from the moment you was born. You couldn't be like any other brother could you, eh, and come along a couple of years later after me. Oh no, not you, you had to wait 13 years. So while all the other Mods were having punch-ups down at Southend and going to the Who concerts, I was at home baby-sitting! I could never get your oystermilk stains out of me Ben Shermans - I used to find rusks in me Hush Puppies. Rodney Del, I couldn't help it when I was born. Del Oh there you go, there you are, you see it's any excuse with you innit, eh? What d'you think bout poor old Mum then, eh? Do you know that she was 39 when she fell for you? For the first three months of the pregnancy you were treated as an ulcer. And to this day I sometimes think the original diagnosis was correct. Look eh, come on, what sort of bloke do you think I am? Cheat me own brother? Come on Rodney I told you before haven't I, it's everything between you and I split straight down the middle, 60-40. Rodney Yeah, well explain this to me then Del. How do you manage to pay for the light, gas and rent in this place, eh? I mean, take last week. We went to the auction right, we bought a gross of disposable lighters, a space invaders game, two facial saunas, five water-damaged sleeping bags, and a moon-roof for a Peugeot. Right. Then we swopped the lot for a van-load of one- legged turkeys. Del They was not one-legged turkeys. They was damaged turkeys. Rodney How many legs did they have Del? Del I'm in no mood for trick questions (checking accounts) Anyway you haven't put down the VAT. Rodney We don't pay VAT. Del I know but we collect it, though, don't we eh? Alright Rodney, alright. Look, so we don't pay VAT - we don't pay income tax or national insurance. On the other hand, we don't claim dole money, social security, supplementary benefit do we, eh, eh? The Government don't give us nothing, so we don't give the Government nothing. Right. What you complaining about? Rodney Look, I'm 23, I'd like to think I had some sort of a career. Del (through the door) You're self-employed, that's a career, innit? Rodney What, selling hankies from a suitcase in Oxford Street? I want something better than that Del. Del Alright, alright, in future you can do Regent Street. Come on. Del exits. Rodney Cheers. (To Grandad) And it's Poitier. Grandad Potter. Rodney It's Poitier. THE NAG'S HEAD. Del and Rodney enter and approach the bar. Voice Hello Del. Del Hello darling, how are you, alright? Voice Fine thanks. Del Good. Rodney Do you realise we've always had something missing in our lives. First we was motherless, then we were fatherless and now we're flogging one-legged turkeys from a three-wheeled van. Del Little acorns. Rodney What, you got one of them missing as well Del? Del No. Marks and Spencers started off with a barrow. Rodney At least they had four wheels. Del Stop going on about that van will you. The barmaid, Joyce, arrives. Joyce Morning, Del Boy. Del Bonjour, Joycie. Two half pints of your finest low-carbohydrate beer, thank you. Joyce D'you want it in glasses? Del Yes please, otherwise it dribbles through yer fingers! Joyce I meant do you want it in glasses or jugs? Del As long as it is served by your fair hands Joycie, we'd drink it out of Evonne Goolagong's old tennis boots. (Joyce leaves) Look at that...Charm like laser beams, eh Rodney. Knocks 'em bandy. Rodney Yeah, it's your ready wit and three-wheeled van that blows their minds Del. Del Yeah, I suppose I am full of the old bel esprit, really ain't I? Actually I quite like old Joycie. I mean, fair play, she's a bit of an old dog, but there again you know I quite like old dogs. I mean you know where you are with 'em, don't you, eh? They never ask you if you still respect 'em in the morning and they'll always lend you a nicker for petrol! You know. I like this life though. Don't you Rodders, eh, ducking and diving, wheeling and dealing! You know it's exciting ain't it, unpredictable. You know in this game you can go out in the morning with 50 pence in your pocket... Rodney And come home at night skint! Del Exactly. Yeah. Rodney I'm thinking about getting a job Del! Del Eh, what chance have you got of getting a job? Do leave it out, have you heard that, you heard that Joycie? He's only thinking of getting a job, ain't he, eh? Joyce (laughing) A job eh! Rodney I've got GCE's and I took a year's course at the art college in Basingstoke. Del Yes, I know you took a year's course, but you got expelled after three weeks didn't you, eh? The Board of Governors were doing their annual inspection and found you camped in your little room with the biggest reefer this side of Marrakesh. Zonked out on your bed with some Chinese tart! Rodney She was a Chinese tart!! Del Well, Chinese - Japanese, it's all the same to me. Alright, alright, supposing you go for a job, and you go for the interview, eh? What you going to say to the manager? You're going to say, 'Oh yes sir, I've got qualifications and experience, sir yeah. I've got two GCEs, an 18 month suspended sentence and I know a good joint when I puff one.' No, your feet won't touch bruv! No, no, I'm afraid not Rodney, at the ripe old age of 23, you are a social leper. Society has placed you in the darkest corner of its deepest cellar to grow moss and be forgotten about! Still never mind, eh? Viva la France as they sy in Rome. No need to get depressed. Rodney Oh, me depressed? No, of course not Del. I'm on top of the world, I feel like a born again eunuch. I think I'll apply for a mail-order course with EXIT! Del That's a good idea Rodney, never say die. Voice How are you? Alright. Terrific. Trigger enters. He is a local part-time villain. He is in his early thirties, tough, but none too bright. He is wearing grubby jeans, short wellingtons and a donkey jacket. He is carrying a brand new executive type briefcase. Del Oh, there he is, oi Trigger! Here, you know my brother don't you, eh? Trigger (To Rodney) Yeah, course I do, how you going Dave? Sorry I'm late Del Boy, I had to pop round me sister's to arrange an alibi for next Thursday. (calling) Joyce! Rodney Del, Del. Del What? Rodney Why d'they call him Trigger? Does he carry a gun? Del No, it's cos he looks like an 'orse! Listen, me and the Trigger have got some business to discuss, like, you know what I mean. Okay, so you get the drinks and meet us back here, over by the table, alright? Rodney (in a rustic accent) Oh arr, sir. Anything you say, sir, borrow me daughter, sir? Del and Trigger sit at a table. Del No, no, very clever kid you know my brother. Yeah, got two GCEs, one in Maths, one in Art. You wanna see him when he writes a letter. Some of the words he uses. Trigger What long ones? Del Long! Del opens thumb and forefinger about three inches apart. Del Well they're like that, you know some of 'em. Anyway, what you selling? Trigger This! (produces briefcase) I've got 25 of them all told, the others are in the car. I thought I won't wrap it up, parcels attract attention these days, best to carry it openly then it don't look conspicuous! Del Oh yeah, yeah, that's good thinking - that Trigg. Yeah, very good thinking. Goes so well with your sling-back wellington boots and your off-the-shoulder donkey jacket. You look like an executive hod-carrier! Rodney enters. Del Let's have a look anyway. Oi, Rodders, what d'you think of this, infra-dig, innit eh? Rodney It's plastic. Del Plastic? It's Old English vinyl! With combination locks, yeah dinky little handle - I dunno we might be able to put some of 'em round the old squash clubs, eh? Rodney We shouldn't have anything to do with them Del. The police are probably looking for them right now. Del Tell us the truth, are the police looking for these things, Trig? Trigger (pushing the case under the table) No they're not Del, and that's the truth. Rodney Why are you hiding it under the table, then? Trigger 'Cos you never know when they're gonna start looking for 'em, do you? Rodney Leave 'em, Del. Leave 'em. Del Oh ssh! Schtum. Rodney Oi, we're partners, at least respect my opinion. Del Alright, alright Rodney, I'll respect your opinion! (To Trigger) How much... Trigger To you, Del Boy, 17 pounds each! Del You know what happened to the real Trigger, don't you? Roy Rogers had him stuffed! Trigger Alright then - 14. Del 14, leave it out. Five. Trigger 12. Del Six. Trigger Ten. Del Nine. Trigger Eight. Del Done! Trigger (To Rodney) That's the way to do business Dave. Del (taking out a pocket calculator) Right, okay Trig, let's work that out. That's eight times 25 equals, 175, okay? Rodney 200. Del What? No, no - Rodney, no, no, no. The calculator sys 175, alright. Trigger Yeah, but he's got GCEs in Maths nd Art! Del So what does that prove, he can paint by numbers. Look Trig, I mean this is a calculator innit, eh? You know what I mean look - calculator says 175, you can't argue with a calculator can you, you know... Rodney Give it here. (Takes Calculator.) Del Rodney. Rodney 25 times eight equals - 200! Del Oh yeah! Look at that. I must have got my finger stuck on the button, yeah. Rodney (flexing his fingers) Pianist's fingers, Del. Del Yeah! Yeah, you wanna look after them Rodney, they break very easily. INT. NIGHT. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Grandad is watching the TV's. The boxes containing the cases are in the centre of the room. Del (on phone) You've gotta see 'em to believe 'em Spiros. Yeah. Ah, I dunno hang on a minute, oi Grandad, where were they made? Grandad (checking case) It don't say...There's some Chinese writing on 'em though. Del Ssshhh! No, no, no it didn't actually give the maker's name Spiros, but then again the best ones never do, do they? You know what I mean. Yeah. Rodney enters carrying a bag containing a cheeseburger which he gives to Grandad. Rodney How's it going? Grandad That's about the 15th. Rodney Briefcase he's sold? Grandad Phone call he's made. Del Yeah, yeah, well I'd get in while the going's good if I was you Spiros, I've only got 25 left! Grandad This is a cheeseburger! I asked for an Emperor-burger. Rodney I couldn't afford an Emperor- burger. Grandad (To Del) He got me a cheeseburger. Del What? Grandad I asked him for an Emperor- burger, and he brings me back a cheeseburger! Del Yes, yes, hang on a minute Spiros. Will you just hang on. (To Rodney) Look, what's he on about now? Rodney He asked me to get him an -Emperor burger, but I couldn't afford it so I got him a cheeseburger! Del Bloody Emperor-burgers and cheese-burgers! I'm trying to do a deal here. Now shut up will you! No, no, not you Spiros, no, no me old mate. Alright, how many of these briefcases can I put you down for? Ah, none! Right thanks, great - yeah, alright, see you around. Rodney I told you the best thing to do with them cases didn't I! Chuck 'em in the river! Del Chuck 'em in the river! Chuck 'em in the river! That's our profit you're talking about. What do you think this is - a nationalised industry? Grandad He knows I hate cheese! Del Will you stop going on about that rotten cheeseburger, will you! (checking through his little black book) Ah, Dougie Sadler, he owns the stationers in the High Street, he's our boy Rodders! Rodney I don't know why he bothers! Grandad He's a tryer ain't he! Your Dad always said that one day Del Boy would reach the top! There again he used to say Millwall would win the cup! Del (on phone) Hello Dougie? Del Boy! How's your luck pal? Good! Family? Soooper! Dougie look, I'm phoning about some briefcases! Yeah? Go on, what a choker! (with hands over the receiver) 25 of 'em nicked from his shop last week!! Rodney Oh God! Del (on phone) No, no, no I'm not trying...Not to sell any no, no, no. No I wanted to buy some, you see, yeah I've got this, er, contact in the stock exchange. Yeah. Em, by the way Dougie, old pal, what were you selling them for? What d'you mean they were rejects? Rodney Oh beautiful! We've bought a consignment of rejects! Del What. what was wrong with them then? Oh yeah! Oh I see, yeah, yeah, I mean who'd be daft enough to nick them eh? Yeah, who'd be stupid enough to buy them? Yeah I know. I'll pop down and see you next week when you get some more in okay, yeah. Bye bye Doug. See you around. (hands up) God struth. Rodney Alright, so what's wrong with them? Del Open one! Rodney (trying to open one) What's the combination? Del No sod knows, that's why they're rejects! Rodney There's meant to be a bit of paper with them, giving you the combination? Del Yes, there is, it's inside the briefcase innit. Cock-up at the factory. Rodney Nice going Del Boy! You have bought 25 executive briefcases that can only be opened by professional safe crackers! This makes the one-legged turkey deal look shrewd! Don't it! Del Alright, alright, Rodney that's the way I'm made innit eh? You know, crash in and to to hell with the consequences. He who dares wins! The French have a word for people like me. Rodney Yeah, the English have got a couple of good 'uns an' all! I told you all along not to touch them didn't I? Del Yeah alright, alright, well it's got nothing to do with you has it! Rodney But we're partners! Ain't we? Oh I see, the truth's coming out now. Well come on Del let's have it out in the open! Then how do you see our respective roles in this 'partnership'? Del I see it as a combination of my business acumen, contacts and money, and your ability to drive a three-wheeled van! Badly! Or did you see yourself in a different role? Rodney Well, yes I did! With my qualifications I saw myself in the capacity of a financial adviser! Del A financial adviser? Bonjour Trieste, you are beautiful, you are Rodney! Today I'd just about clinched a deal to buy these briefcases for a hundred and seventy-five quid, when my financial adviser stuck his nose in and advised me to pay two hundred. Right! And having paid the two hundred quid my financial adviser then advised me to chuck the bleedin' lot in the river! Now with financial advisers like you who needs a bleeding recession! Grandad What kind of financial adviser goes out to buy an Emperor- burger and comes back with a cheeseburger? Del Will you stop going on about that ruddy cheeseburger! (stuffing it into Grandad's mouth) Eat it, will you! Grandad Alright, alright. Rodney Get off him. It's against the law to force-feed a senior citizen with a cheeseburger and you know he hates 'em!! Del Well what did you buy it for him for? Rodney It's all I could afford!! You make my life a misery, you do. Del Here, oi, just a moment! What was the last remark about me making your life a misery? Rodney Yeah well, you do Del with your over-bearing, over-protective manner! Del Let me remind you Rodney that you were a six-year old little nipper when God smiled on Mum and made her die! Two months after that Dad packed his bags and left us to fend for ourselves. It was me that kept us together, nothing to do with Grandad! He was an out- of-work, lamp-fitter waiting for gas to make a comeback! I grafted 19 to 20 hours a day to put groceries on that table - alright, it wasn't always double legal - but you ate the finest food that was going! Rodney All you ever gave me was TV dinners and convenience foods! If it wasn't frozen or dehydrated we didn't eat it. If you had been in charge of the last supper it would have been a take-away! Del Well anything was better than the salmonella and chips that Grandad used to knock up! Rodney Del, look, don't get me wrong - Im, I'm grateful. Del I don't want your gratitude, ungrateful little git! I don't know what is the matter with you Rodney. Sometimes I hesitate to tell people that you're my brother! Rodney Well, I always say I'm your social worker! Del Do you mind telling me exactly what it is that has made your life a misery? Rodney Well, you've always treated me like a child! Ain't you? I was the only sixth former in my grammer school who wore short trousers! Del Yeah, well, I got 'em cheap didn't I? Rodney But I was 15, Del. I was growing hairs and things! My legs looked like Italian footballers! And you'd never let me do anything on my own, would you? You even had to help me with my GCE studies! Del You passed in two subjects. Rodney I failed in the other eight Del. I mean you embarrass me, that's why I never bring women home! Del Oh you know some women do you? Cor, that's a turn up for the book! The only bird I've ever heard you mention was old Shanghai Lil from the art college in Basingstoke. Even then you had to drug her before you could get your leg over! Rodney No I didn't. Del What, you didn't drug her or didn't get your leg over? Rodney You're suffocating me Del! I'm getting out of this house! I'm going to prove to you I can survive on my own! I'm going to the pub! Del What to prove you can survive on your own? Rodney No, to get legless! I don't need you no more Del, I don't need you for nothing!! Rodney exits the room. After a short pause the door opens, and Rodney enters and makes his way over to Del. Rodney I was just, I was just wondering... Del Of course you can Rodney. Del peels off two fivers from a wad of notes and hands them to Rodney. Rodney exits the room again. Del I think he's very much like you Grandad! Grandad What, dignified in defeat? Del No, a ponce! INT. DAY. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE Del (on phone) No, no, I'm sure these can't be the ones they're looking for. No, no, I wouldn't do that to a mate, now would I, eh? No, don't you say nothing to 'em you Wally! I mean you can't trust the Old Bill can you! I mean, look at that time when they planted six gas cookers in my bedroom! Yeah, alright, don't worry, okay. I'll see you around! Rodney? Grandad enters. Grandad Where was you first thing this morning? Del I was out tryin' to sell these things! Grandad Did you call Rodney? Del No, I thought I'd let him lie in and sleep his hangover off. Is he still in bed? Grandad No, he's gone! Del Gone? Grandad Packed his ruck-sack and had it away on his toes! Del What do you mean gone? Where's he gone? Grandad Hong Kong. Del Hong Kong? What do you mean Hong Kong? Grandad Hong Kong. It's in China. Del I know where Hong Kong is! What I want to know is what's Rodney doing there? Grandad He said he was gonna hitch-hike there to see that bird from the art college. Del Who? Shanghai Lil? But she's in Basingstoke, so what's Master- mind doing on the road to Hong Kong? Grandad No, that's where she is now. She got deported after the drugs trial. Del Here, just a minute. What did you do, say or cook for him that was so awful it forced him to leave? Grandad It weren't me. It was that row last night. He's gone to prove himself. Del Prove himself, no it's just one of Rodney's little games, that's all. He'd never reach Hong Kong. He has trouble finding Clapham. Grandad He seemed determined. Del Well didn't you do anything? Grandad Well yeah, I made him some sandwiches. Del And he took them? Blimey, this is worse than I thought! No, wait a minute, he ain't got no money! Grandad He took his post office book with him. Can't you go and search for him? He's been gone about seven hours, the farthest he could have got is France. Del Oh that's alright, we've got him cornered then, ain't we, eh! Grandad Ring up Interpol! Del Interpol? Interpol? I'd get more joy out of Interflora... Grandad But he might be in danger. You could explain to them what Rodney's like. Del I'm sorry, I don't know the French for pranny! Hong Kong!! I mean...Hong Kong! Why didn't he tell me where he was going. He could have taken these bleedin' things back with him! A STREET MARKET. Del walks past carrying one of the briefcases. He approaches the owner of a stall that sells luggage, leather goods, etc. Del tries to sell the case. The owner shakes his head. Del, who seems resigned to the fact that he'll never sell them, doesn't put up much of an argument before moving off. A BUSY MAIN ROAD. The three-wheeled van pulls up outside a leather gods shop. Del carries a box of cases into the shop. A few seconds pass, then he re-appears still carrying the box. He places it into the van and drives off. A LONDON BACK STREET. The van is parked outside a grotty old bric-a-brac shop. Del exits from the shop carrying the box of cases. He puts them in the van and drives away. THE TROTTERS' LOUNGE. Grandad is playing with a talking chess game. Del enters. Machine A2 F2. Enter, illegal move. A2, B2. Enter, illegal move. Grandad This thing still ain't working properly. Del That's because you're playing draughts on it. It's a talking chess game, you can't play draughts on a talking chess game. Grandad Why not? Del Because you're supposed to play chess on it, that's why it's called a talking chess game. You've already blown the micro- chip twice trying to huff the rook and what 'ave yer! Grandad It's supposed to have an electronic brain? Del It has got an electronic brain, but it didn't know it was gonna have the misfortune to fall into the hands of a soppy old duffer who wants to play draughts on it, did it? Grandad But I can't play chess! Why don't they invent a talking draughts game? Del Because if they did you'd most probably want to play bloody ludo on it... Rodney stands in the doorway. Del straightens and turns. Rodney Del Boy! Del Hello, Rodney! Grandad Rodney's back Del...Look, he's here. You hungry Rodney? Rodney Starving. I haven't eaten for two days. Grandad Shall I cook you something? Rodney No, no, no, no!! A cup of tea, perhaps! Grandad exits. Rodney (cont'd) Old place don't change much. Del No, same as ever! Rodney throws his arms around Del. Rodney It's really good to be back Del! Del Don't you think you're over- doing the prodigal's return a bit. You've only been gone six days. Rodney Well, it might seem like six days to you Del, but to me it seemed like more... Del A week? I take it you didn't reach Hong Kong! How far d'you get? Rodney South of France...St Tropez. Del St Tropez, oh very mal de mer! Machine Problem. Rodney 85 in the shade. Del What were the birds like? Rodney Mostly French... Del Oh yeah. Rodney I met one English girl there, Veronica, her father's a millionaire tax exile. Del Tax exile is he? Machine Illegal move. Del Had a boat had he? You know parked out in the bay? Rodney A yacht anchored off-shore, yeah, yeah. They invited me over for dinner one night! I didn't go though. Del Still had some of Grandad's sandwiches left did ya? Rodney No!! No, that night I packed my bags and headed home...I was homesick you see...I... missed... (looking from the window) ...that! Del You must be joking. The only people who ever missed that was the ruddy Luftwaffe! Rodney It may not be much to you Del, but to me it's got a raw and savage beauty. You forget that I've got artist's eyes Del. Del Yes, you've got pianist's fingers...Italian footballer's legs. You ever thought of applying for a disability allowance? Rodney I know you'll never understand what I mean Del, but you've got to suffer paradise before you can realise what you left behind. Your home, your family... Del Your passport... (Throwing passport to him) Rodney Your passport...My passport!! You knew didn't you? You let me go through all that and all the time you knew! Where did you find it? Del Top of your wardrobe! We were expecting a visit from the local gendarmes and I thought I'd better check out just in case you'd left any of that exotic tobacco lying about. No, I knew it was just a moody Rodney. I told Grandad it was just one of Rodney's little games. Rodney It must be wonderful to be you Del, to always be right! Del I know. It gets a bit embarra- ssing at times. I'll tell you another thing shall I Rodney? You said that I would never get rid of them briefcases! Rodney And you did, didn't you Del? Del Yes I did! I chucked the bleedin' lot in the river! Rodney No. You threw 'em all in the river? Del Yep, every last one of them! They floated - that was a bit unforeseen. Probably rounding Tilbury about now. Rodney 200 quid down the Swanee eh - well, in this case the Thames! Del St Tropez! How far did you really get? Rodney The Shangri La doss house Stoke Newington! I shared a room with some cholera cultures! Machine Your move. Del Well, what do you fancy, shall we go down the pub and act stupid, or shall we sail across to Veronica's dad's yacht for tiffin? Rodney No, best not to go to the yacht, we might bump into those bloody briefcases half-way.


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