"They don't even know what happened on Good Friday" she says.
"They don't even know that jesus was a porn star who got resurrected on easter monday!" she says.
Now take a step back sister. I've just gotta review my religion before I start to rant about shit I might be wrong about, just so I dont make a total ASS out of myself... Ya, okay, I'm right here, so I'm going to go ahead and make a critical analysis about your hypocricy (BEHIND YOUR BACK!).
NOW, I know that not all catholic students know specific meanings off-hand, and we are growing popularity over at BCI. So I'm just gonna let you all in on a little secret. Jesus was [believed to be, by people of christian faith] resurrected on sunday. It's fine if you know that, cool if you dont. It really does not matter. But to rant IN A FREAKIN ART CLASS, and be SO FREAKIN WRONG. Well thats just plain ... wrong. ... ?!
SO, for educational purposes, religios scholar prof dave will take everyone on a tour of christianity's finer days. Back, way back. Before all the schisms and protestant... stuff. Back when JC was underground. Lets all see what these days of holy worship are REALLY about.
HOLY THURSDAY: Yes, it does exist. This day is so worthless that most people have forgotten it. Well, this is the day of the last supper. Nothing too special here. Yep, just some good bread with some cheap wine. Stuff like that. Some of the new scholars or historians like to poke around and see what exactly people are worshiping here. But ugh, they suck and only I know what Im talking about. Don't go to chruch on holy thursday. Its a scam.
GOOD FRIDAY: Ya, this is that day where Jesus had to DIE on a cross. Well then whats so good about it, you might ask? Well, some like to say that its because Jesus had fulfilled the profecies and became the bearer of our sins and saved humanity. But I know for a FACT Jesus originally had to work that night, and (under the Carpenters Union of Jerusalem) crucifixion can be seen as a business-related trip. Y'know, checkin out some good carpentry. And its always good to get out of a carpenter shift. Carpentry is hard work. I tell ya, slivers like you wouldnt believe. If your not careful, you might even get a nail through your hand!
EASTER SUNDAY: This is one that those other scholars agree with me on. Jesus woke up, and was all like "WHOA!!! HOW MUCH WINE DID I MAKE THIS TIME?!?!" he then summoned up super strength and started whippin' giant boulders and shit everywhere, flip-out style. He then thought it'd be funny to trick a prostitute. Then his buddy God told him Thomas was being an ass. again. So Jesus, just to prove Thomas wrong, grew a horn to puncture some holes in his hands (the ones from the cross whent away do to his healing factor). THEN, just to fuck with everybody, he ascended to heaven to have sex with some hot angles.
EASTER MONDAY: Many people have their own theories as to what exactly happened on monday, many more do not care. I like to think that all of his followers (the oldschool christians) were just like; Fuck work, that guy just fucking resurrected to fly up to heaven, I'm scared shitless! I didnt think he'd ACTUALLY do it, I just liked to travel, and the wine is good. SO, us modern-day christians - in tradition - take the day off to remember the revelation those pour sould had.
DAVID TUESDAY: This is probably the most significant holiday of any religion, because they all celebrate it. And because it consists of every day of the year. And then some. During this period we sit back and reflect about what it is Dave means to us. I hate this one.
So there you have it. Go forth and spread the good news! :
WHALES HIT BEACH
CUDJOE KEY, Florida (Reuters) - Dozens of pilot whales beached themselves yesterday in shallow waters off the Florida Keys, according to officials and rescue workers.
Rescuers said seven of the mammals, which weigh as much as 1,800 lbs., had died since the estimated 31 wandered into shallow waters south of Miami.
The reasons for the beaching were unknown. "Perhaps they were chasing prey, or the leader took a wrong turn," said Dr. Janet Whaley of the U.S. Marine Fisheries Service.
I tore that outta the paper a couple days ago. REJOICE!