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| Here's the new list of "Accounting" terms:
DATA ENTRY = Date muna bago ipasok ADJUSTING ENTRY = Hinanap muna bago ipinasok DEBIT ENTRY = Ipinasok CREDIT ENTRY = Hinugot WRONG ENTRY = Napasok sa puwet ACCOUNTING ENTRY = Pagbilang ng pasok OFFSETTING ENTRY = Pasok-hugot, pasok-hugot CLOSING ENTRY = Panghuling pasok BALANCING ENTRY = Babae ang nasa ibabaw BALANCE SHEET = Kumot o sapin para sa Balancing Entry MONTH END CLOSING = Meron LOSS = Nilabasan ang lalaki PROFIT = Napunta sa babae INTEREST = Nabuo INTEREST EARNED NOT COLLECTED = Nabuo pero hindi pa ipinapanganak TRIAL BALANCE = Sa ibabaw ang babae pero hindi pa ipinapasok BALANCE FORWARDED = Sa ibabaw ang babae at ipinasok na CLOSING BALANCE = Isinara na ang zipper ZERO BALANCE = Malambot na LIQUIDATION = Gumamit ng pampadulas BANKRUPTCY = Ayaw nang labasan CONSOLIDATION = Sabay nilabasan |
WhiCh CoNdOm WouLd YoU UsE?
Nike Condoms: Just do it. Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling. Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby. Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop. Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker. Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing. Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman. Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple. Ford Condoms: The best never rest. Chevy Condoms: Like a rock. Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did? New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey - you never know. California Lotto Condoms: Who's next? Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever. KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good. Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing. Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one. Campbell's Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good. General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life! AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone. Bounty: The quicker picker upper. Microsoft: Where do you want to go today ? Energizer: It keeps going and going and going.... M&M condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands! Taco Bell: Get some; make a run for the border. MCI: For friends and family Doublemint: Double your pleasure, double your fun! The Sears latex condom: One coat is good for the entire winter. Delta Airlines travel pack: Delta is ready when you are. United Airlines travel pack: Fly United. The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before. |
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SHEER MADNESS
At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that.""This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing." |
A whorehouse gets busted. The girls are lined up out front, and a cop is
going down the line giving them all tickets. A little, old lady approaches one of the girls at the end of the line and asks, "Why are all of you lovely ladies here in line like this?" The smart-assed whore explains, "Lady, we're waiting in line for our lollipops." "Oh, that's nice. dear," said the little, old lady. "I haven't had one of them in so long. I think I'll get in line too." A few minutes later, the cop is standing in front of the little, old lady. "Lady, aren't you a little old for this?" She looks him right in the eye and says, "As long as they keep making 'em, I'm gonna keep sucking 'em." |
| Jack and Jill Went up the hill,
And planned to do some kissing. Jack made a pass and grabbed her ass, And now two of his front teeth are missing. Jack and Jill Went up the hill, Each one had a quarter. Jill came down with fifty cents, Do you think they went for water? Jack and Jill went up the hill, For just an itty bitty. Jill is now two months overdue, And Jack has left the city. |
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
To fetch a pail of water. Jill forgot to take the pill, So now they've got a daughter. Jack and Jill went up the hill, With a little keg of brandy. Jack got stewed, Jill got screwed, Now it's Jack, and Jill, and Andy. Jack and Jill went up the hill, To smoke a little leaf. Jack got high, pulled down his fly, And Jill said, "Where's the beef!" |
| LIFE BEFORE THE COMPUTER
------------------------------------------- An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano! Memory was something that you lost with age A CD was a bank account And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy You hoped nobody found out! Compress was something you did to garbage Not something you did to a file And if you unzipped anything in public You'd be in jail for awhile! Log on was adding wood to a fire Hard drive was a long trip on the road A mouse pad was where a mouse lived And a backup happened to your commode! Cut - you did with a pocket knife Paste you did with glue A web was a spider's home And a virus was the flu! I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper And the memory in my head I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash But when it happens they wish they were dead! |
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip. So next Sunday he took monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door: 1. Sip the Vodka don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his a**. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy-O, Laddy-O and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath; he did not kick the Crap out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey; don't say he was stoned off his a**. 10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T" 11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper He said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me." 12. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God!" |
| A blond guy with two badly burned ears went to the
emergency room for medical treatment.
"What happened" asked the doctor. "Well, my wife was ironing while I was watching the ballgame on TV," began the man. "She put the hot iron near the telephone and when the phone rang, I answered the iron." The doctor nodded, "But what happened to the other ear?" "Well, no sooner had I hung up," said the man, "when the same guy called again." |
A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door
of an erotic sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she shakily hobbles the few feet across the store to the counter. Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, she asks the sales clerk: "D-d-do y-you h-h-have d-d-dildos?" The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many models." The old woman then asks: D-d-do y-y-you h-h-have a-a-a p-p-pink one, t-t-ten inches-s-s l-l-long a-a-and a-b-bout t-t-two inches-s-s th-th-thick-k-k?" The clerk responds, "Yes we do." "C-c-can y-y-you t-t-tell m-m-me how-w-w t-t-to t-t-turn t-t-the f-f-fuckin' th-th-thing-g off-f-f?" |
| TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. Saint Peter said, "Well, that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, "Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." |
EASY MONEY
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a ravishing young girl. The four passangers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. Then, the young girl proposes, "If each of you will give me $1, I will show you my legs." The men, charmed by this young girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet. And then the girl pulls us her dress a bit to show her legs. Then she says, "If each of you gentlemen will give me $10, I'll show you my thighs," and men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her undies. Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats. Then the young girl says, "If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis." Naturally, all three fork over the money, and then the girl turns to the window and points to a hospital in the distance and says, "There!" |
| PICKING VEGETABLES
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing. "Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!" "Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?" "Opened a can of peas instead." |
Dog Races
--------------- A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. "I found a piece of paper in your pant pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." "Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on." The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. "What was that for?" he complained. "Your dog called last night." |
| Job Interview
------------------ Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years .. say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it." |
My Chauffeur
---------------- A rich lady is riding along with her chauffeur when they get a flat tire. He gets out and starts trying to pry off the hubcap. After he struggles a few minutes, she looks out at him and says, "You wanna screwdriver?" He says, "Hell, we might as well. I can't get this freaking hubcap off." |
| A young couple were banging away like there was no tomorrow, when the
boy stopped and asked the girl to spread her legs farther apart, which she eagerly did, anticipating more of his enthusiastic vigor. Instead, he timidly asked her to spread her legs even farther apart. She said, "Why? What are you trying to do, ram your balls inside me?" "No. I've already done that. Now I am trying to get them back out." |
Fine
--------- On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students: "The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?" |
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Look Familiar?
-------------- Two Blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." The second Blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first Blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dumb ass, it's me!" |
FIRM IT UP
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his package. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother." |
| THE POPE VS. THE QUEEN
The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth, "I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand." The Pope says, "No way. You can't do that." The Queen says, "Watch this." So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic. So the Pope is standing there thinking, "Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she'd be able to do it." So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, "I bet you I can make every Irish person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head." The Queen goes, "No way, it can't be done." So the Pope headbutts her. |
BACKSEAT DRIVER
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says, "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." (The man gives his wife a dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks." (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt." Man: "Oh I just took it off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh Harry, you never wear your seatbelt." The man turns to his wife and yells, "SHUT YOUR MOUTH!" The Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" The wife says, "No, only when he's drunk." |
| Over 1 Billion Served
--------------------- A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe,McDonald's actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!" The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle. "And what's so funny?!?" the New Yorker demands. "Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food." |
Membership Director
------------------- Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club." |
| FASHION STATEMENT
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." "Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. "So, really? How long have you been wearing one?" "Ever since my wife found it in our bed." |
Alone
---------- A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?" Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the hell do you think?" |
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Crime of Passion ---------------- A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up...you're next!" |
A Simple Procedure
---------------------- A woman took her dog to the vet. "Doctor," she said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor. "How much do I owe you?" the lady asks. "$345," says the doctor. "$345!!?" the lady asks. "Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan." |
| Bronx Hospitality
----------------- Jose lived in San Juan, and all he ever wanted was to see a baseball game in Yankee Stadium. Jose loved baseball, he loved the Yankees. He worked and saved and at long last bought a ticket, took a plane, but when he got to Yankee Stadium, it was all sold out. Not a seat to be had. Jose pleaded, touched the heart of the ticket office and they found him a seat way out in the bleachers behind the flagpole. Jose saw his baseball game and went back to Puerto Rico, flying so high he almost didn?t need a plane. ?Well, Jose,? they asked when he returned, ?how was it?? Jose raved. The Stadium, the game, the Yankees ? And most of all the fans, so friendly, so concerned about him that before the game they all stood up and turned to him and sang, ?Jose? Can you see?? |
THE WEDDING NIGHT
A young woman was preparing for her wedding. She asked her mother to go out and buy a nice long black lingerie and carefully place it in her suitcase so it would not wrinkle. Well, Mom forgot until the last minute. She dashed out and could only find a short pink nighty. She bought it and threw it into the suitcase. After the wedding, the bride and groom entered their hotel room. The groom was a little self-conscious, so he asked his new bride to change in the bathroom and promise not to peek while he got ready for bed. While she was in the bathroom, the bride opened her suitcase and saw the lingerie her mother had thrown in there. "Oh no! It's short, pink, and wrinkled!" She exclaimed. Then her groom cried out, "I told you not to peek!" |
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