Steve

was troubled by the information you sent to me and decided to tell you the story of a boy who was in grade 9 with me and committed suicide about 7 years ago. He did this right in front of our P.E. class. I remember so clearly that day Steve did it, and the last day I saw him. He was in a few of my classes and was a straight A student who was the nicest boy one could ever meet! That weekend we had Monday off, so this all happened on Tuesday. He had called 911 from the school and said he had a gun. Some of us were in the field when he came running out and then we heard a sound and he dropped. Police cars were there a second too late, and Steve was pronounced dead an hour later. WE were all talking about what had just happened and who it was, but none of us knew his identity until later. I couldn't bear the classes I had him in, because we sat next to each other and we were partners in projects all the time. I would see his empty desk and would break down, until finally they put the desk in the back of the room. About a week later I was grading tests and I came across his. I still graded it as if he would be getting it, and he had failed that test. It was an eye opener for me: I knew he'd never gotten a failing grade in that class, and I realized that he knew what he was gong to do at that point. I kept asking myself if there was anything I could have done, but how could I as [the mother of another gay male who committed suicide] said. There were none of the signs. He never told me how unhappy he was, and that his parents were getting a divorce. The thing is, people let his parents continue to believe Steve did this maybe because of the divorce. That was the only thing the papers and news gave for a why. When I was talking to his dad at the funeral he asked me if his son had shown any signs of this. The signs he might have given were not obvious enough to see. No matter how many times I tried to remember any signs, it was too late. Steve was gone and that was that. With him, you would have never imagined suicide to have been possible. College yes, good career yes, long life yes, but not death. He never had much to say to people he didn't know; he was very shy and felt comfortable only talking to the ones he knew. Steve also never passed judgment on anyone. Yet, after all this happened, they all passed judgment on him. People would say that he was stupid to do this, and that was just plain selfish. I knew, however, how he must have felt because I had also been dealing with suicide issues. I therefore couldn't deal with others making jokes about his death. I was just not going to let that happen, not for his sake, or my own, or the others that were in the same position. They had counselors at our school for about a week afterwards for students to talk with about their feelings concerning all of this. My teacher made me talk to one, and all they had to say was: "Did he mention the divorce?" I was thinking what bullshit! How about the idea that he didn't do this because of his parents, but because he was gay and he didn't want to say anything! But no one even asked that question, and I wasn't about to tell them what Steve had told me weeks before; he was gay. Why? Because I wasn't about to let others make fun of that too. The only thing I could do was to try and make his image good. I never told his parents what he had told me, and no one knew except for one other person: the one he was with. He also, however, didn't want to say anything about it because that would make others not accept him as well. At times I want to pick up the phone and call his dad and tell him the truth (maybe) concerning why Steve committed suicide. Unfortunately, both his parents are strongly religious and that might only make them very angry. I nonetheless feel at peace with the fact that [he] had confided in me, and the rest was up to him. But now no one except myself and one other person will ever know the real Steve and why he killed himself, and that is very sad.