Ryan Halligan killed himself at age 13. He couldn't stop the kids at school from harsassing him.
One popular girl pretended she liked him, then passed around all the sincere private e-mails Ryan sent her. The girl's circle of friends at school mocked him.
A group of boys constantly heckled Ryan, who was a slow learner and physically uncoordinated. After he fended the bullies off in a fight, one pretended over a period of time to befriend Ryan, then used personal information Ryan eventually divulged -- that he had once undergone a rectal medical exam -- to spread rumors Ryan was gay.
Ryan's parents were aware their son had some difficult relationships at school, but trusted Ryan when he said taking the problem to school administrators would only make it worse. His father, John Hallligan, told the Review-Journal Ryan's story by telephone, though it is also available on a Web site in Ryan's memory (www. RyanPatrickHalligan. com) and was documented in Vermont newspapers.
The problems began in seventh grade and continued online over the summer. Ryan killed himself in fall 2003, not long after he had started eighth grade.
Only after Ryan's death did his parents, John and Kelly, learn these details of Ryan's bullying. They interviewed his friends, teachers, principal. One teacher admitted Ryan's classmates repeatedly gave him a hard time, but she never did anything about it because the behavior never got violent.
The parents also researched Ryan's home computer, to find scores of negative e-mails and instant messages he had received from peers in the last three months of his life. Only then did they discover their son had been visiting Web sites that promoted suicide and compared ways to do it. "It's about time," one unidentified sender e-mailed, after Ryan disclosed his suicide plan online, his dad reports.
The couple also learned, too late, one of Ryan's friends knew he was thinking of suicide, but felt bound by friendship not to reveal it. In the last few weeks of Ryan's life, that friend called him nightly to check on his mental health.
Ryan is proof that the old saying about "sticks and stones can break my bones" contains a fallacy.
Words will never hurt me? Words can, in fact, break a heart.
"We want to be very clear," John Halligan writes on the Ryan Halligan Web site. "We do not blame Ryan's suicide on one single person or one single event. In the end, Ryan was suffering from depression. This is a form of mental illness brought on by biological and environmental factors." The Halligans hold themselves primarily responsible for his death because they did not realize the depths of his despair nor did they "hold the school accountable to maintain an emotionally safe environment" for Ryan.
Halligan and his wife, who have two other children, say they erred in minimizing Ryan's social problems at school. "My daughter dealt with some mean stuff, too, but she came through the tunnel of middle school fine," he recalls. "So we said, 'Oh, we'll just apply the same strategy with Ryan.' It was just a tragic miscalculation. He was just wired differently."
To stop damage to other children from bullying, John Halligan went on to lobby his state, Vermont, to pass an anti-bullying law, which it did in 2004. He got involved in suicide prevention and speaks regularly to student and parent groups about bullying. He defines bullying as "actions directed against a student by another studentwhich are intended to ridicule, humiliate or intimidate."
Nationwide, other parents of youngsters who were bullied and then committed suicide have also become activists. Brenda High of Washington founded a nonprofit child advocacy group, Bully Police USA , after her son Jared, then 13, killed himself in 1998 after persistent bullying. The organization also has volunteers in some states who lobby for anti-bullying laws.
Nevada passed such a law this year, without involvement by Bully Police. The law requires Nevada school districts by July 2006 to have policies on how they will handle bullying incidents and track the volume.
A good law, according to High, clearly defines bullying. Good policies require school districts to have: a procedure for investigating violations; clear and mandatory steps for handling bullies and their targets; mandatory reporting of incidents.
Bully Police's Web site (www. bullypolice. org) rates anti-bullying laws. High says Nevada scored a B+ because its law doesn't use the actual word "bullying," which is a term youngsters can relate to. "A lot of administrators are now sitting down with kids and explaining they're not obeying the law of the state," she explains.
Educating potential bullies is vital, according to Halligan. He retold what a Vermont school principal recently told him. A gangly geeky teen boy was being tormented by an attractive female student, who would pretend he was her boyfriend, and then -- with her friends watching -- hug him and force him to carry her books.
When the principal called the girl into his office and explained she needed to stop her behavior because it was bullying and against state law. "The girl flipped, and said, 'You've got to be kidding me. I was just kidding around.' He said it made it very easy to have a clear discussion with her," Halligan recounted.
Later, the girl's mother went to complain to the principal, Halligan concluded. "He pulled out the law again. It was a very short conversation."
Ryan Halligan killed himself at age 13. He couldn't stop the kids at school from harsassing him.
One popular girl pretended she liked him, then passed around all the sincere private e-mails Ryan sent her. The girl's circle of friends at school mocked him.
A group of boys constantly heckled Ryan, who was a slow learner and physically uncoordinated. After he fended the bullies off in a fight, one pretended over a period of time to befriend Ryan, then used personal information Ryan eventually divulged -- that he had once undergone a rectal medical exam -- to spread rumors Ryan was gay.
Ryan's parents were aware their son had some difficult relationships at school, but trusted Ryan when he said taking the problem to school administrators would only make it worse. His father, John Hallligan, told the Review-Journal Ryan's story by telephone, though it is also available on a Web site in Ryan's memory (www. RyanPatrickHalligan. com) and was documented in Vermont newspapers.
The problems began in seventh grade and continued online over the summer. Ryan killed himself in fall 2003, not long after he had started eighth grade.
Only after Ryan's death did his parents, John and Kelly, learn these details of Ryan's bullying. They interviewed his friends, teachers, principal. One teacher admitted Ryan's classmates repeatedly gave him a hard time, but she never did anything about it because the behavior never got violent.
The parents also researched Ryan's home computer, to find scores of negative e-mails and instant messages he had received from peers in the last three months of his life. Only then did they discover their son had been visiting Web sites that promoted suicide and compared ways to do it. "It's about time," one unidentified sender e-mailed, after Ryan disclosed his suicide plan online, his dad reports.
The couple also learned, too late, one of Ryan's friends knew he was thinking of suicide, but felt bound by friendship not to reveal it. In the last few weeks of Ryan's life, that friend called him nightly to check on his mental health.
Ryan is proof that the old saying about "sticks and stones can break my bones" contains a fallacy.
Words will never hurt me? Words can, in fact, break a heart.
"We want to be very clear," John Halligan writes on the Ryan Halligan Web site. "We do not blame Ryan's suicide on one single person or one single event. In the end, Ryan was suffering from depression. This is a form of mental illness brought on by biological and environmental factors." The Halligans hold themselves primarily responsible for his death because they did not realize the depths of his despair nor did they "hold the school accountable to maintain an emotionally safe environment" for Ryan.
Halligan and his wife, who have two other children, say they erred in minimizing Ryan's social problems at school. "My daughter dealt with some mean stuff, too, but she came through the tunnel of middle school fine," he recalls. "So we said, 'Oh, we'll just apply the same strategy with Ryan.' It was just a tragic miscalculation. He was just wired differently."
To stop damage to other children from bullying, John Halligan went on to lobby his state, Vermont, to pass an anti-bullying law, which it did in 2004. He got involved in suicide prevention and speaks regularly to student and parent groups about bullying. He defines bullying as "actions directed against a student by another studentwhich are intended to ridicule, humiliate or intimidate."
Nationwide, other parents of youngsters who were bullied and then committed suicide have also become activists. Brenda High of Washington founded a nonprofit child advocacy group, Bully Police USA , after her son Jared, then 13, killed himself in 1998 after persistent bullying. The organization also has volunteers in some states who lobby for anti-bullying laws.
Nevada passed such a law this year, without involvement by Bully Police. The law requires Nevada school districts by July 2006 to have policies on how they will handle bullying incidents and track the volume.
A good law, according to High, clearly defines bullying. Good policies require school districts to have: a procedure for investigating violations; clear and mandatory steps for handling bullies and their targets; mandatory reporting of incidents.
Bully Police's Web site (www. bullypolice. org) rates anti-bullying laws. High says Nevada scored a B+ because its law doesn't use the actual word "bullying," which is a term youngsters can relate to. "A lot of administrators are now sitting down with kids and explaining they're not obeying the law of the state," she explains.
Educating potential bullies is vital, according to Halligan. He retold what a Vermont school principal recently told him. A gangly geeky teen boy was being tormented by an attractive female student, who would pretend he was her boyfriend, and then -- with her friends watching -- hug him and force him to carry her books.
When the principal called the girl into his office and explained she needed to stop her behavior because it was bullying and against state law. "The girl flipped, and said, 'You've got to be kidding me. I was just kidding around.' He said it made it very easy to have a clear discussion with her," Halligan recounted.
Later, the girl's mother went to complain to the principal, Halligan concluded. "He pulled out the law again. It was a very short conversation."