T he ever shrinking height of lower classmen is just out-right mindboggling. I have confirmed the average height for a freshmen is about 5'0. What is going on here? Are Surline, Rose City and St. Joesph's schools adding something to their water to make kids smaller so they can fit 3 to a desk? When I was in 7th grade I was 5'10 like I am now unfortunately. I was a pretty big kid but most of the other male students around my age were close to my height. So again I ask, whats going on? Are we sacrificing the well being of these students to the sheer numbers of them? Lets face it, short people are ridiculed all over the world. In Beijing they tie your arms behind your back and tie 100 yen on a pole 2 feet over your head just to humiliate you.
Like I said before I'm not growing much, my shoe size is still a measely 9 1/2 and my hands are like the hands of a carnie... small. So again I've come up with another set of helpful tips to help even the littlest of people reach a higher stature and overcome the obstactles yet to come! Here are my 5 tips to make people think you're taller.
Tip #1- Wear large hats. The larger the better. People always look at
their own eye level and if they see a big hulking hat infront of them
they will notice you and your miniture stature. I suggest a big top hat
like that money makin' player that ain't with us no more, Abraham
Lincoln.
Becareful though, somehats are just ridiculous in their obsenely
largeness. Such like those colorful over-sized cowboy hats. I find them just
stupid, funny, but stupid. Wear them on Hat Day but not on a regular
occasion or people will just laugh at you, not the hat.
Tip #2- Wear big shoes and clothes. If your clothes are slightly oversized then people will not be able to tell your true size. Its a technique even used for us fat people, we buy oversized shirts to hide our spare tires, and its effective. This tip can be fatal if used to excess though. Do not buy clothes shirts that are XXXL when you wear a Medium. Thats just asking people to give you a swirlie. Which brings me to my next question... What ever happened to swirlies?
Tip #3- Wear bright colors, doing this will make people pay more
attention to your clothes instead of your height. Its kind of like looking
at a bee... a bee is yellow and black and yellow is a pretty bright
color. When I see a bee, I never notice its small size I just run and
scream like a girl and hide from it.
*Note* Colors too bright are just... weird.
Tip #4- Get buff. Get in the weight room and pump iron as if your life depends on it. No one makes fun of a small person that can bench press a Geo Tracker. Its just like in nature, we'll use the wolverine for example. The wolverine has been known to fight with animals as big or even bigger as the grizzley bear. That would be equivalent to a small Chinese boy fighting on steroids fighting Big Foot. The wolverine and the Chinese boy may not win the fight but they'll make their adversaries go home scared.
Tip #5- Get stilts. At this point if none of the previous of my tips have helped then I cannot help you. I suggest you get used to wearing stilts because you will be small enough to fit into the cannon and do just about everything else that the circus can offer. Just remember to tuck up when its your turn to be the human cannonball!
I am not short or do I think I ever will be. I haven't grown much since 7th grade but I feel with my experience as a "tall" person I can confidently make these rules to help all you little people live a better life. So if you find my tips to be wrong at any time then please drop me a line, my e-mail address is, [email protected]. This is Son Pablo Renaldo signing off. Drive careful and god speed!