I quickly learned that I will not achieve any status in life if I can�t get my message across, so I sat and I thought. I also watched a lot of Saturday Night Live, mostly David Spade, because he is a huge ass hole, lets just admit it, and with it I have created five simple steps to win any argument!

Before I go ahead and tell you my secrets I will give a brief warning. This method of winning arguments, most likely won�t work. You are better off resorting to violence to prove your point, I just can�t fight. I punch like a girl with muscular dystrophy, so with all that aside sit back and enjoy and maybe get a few laughs out of it!

Rule #1 � Stand by your argument and never back down. Backing down shows weakness and this cannot happen! When you make a point you must stand next to it. Whether or not you know you�re wrong or not, you must not falter. Its just like the old story. A child eats a cookie and doesn�t get in trouble, so the kid thinks �Hey if I got one cookie maybe I can steal two.� Then the kid successfully steals 2 cookies, then he thinks �Hey I got two cookies now! I�m going to grow up to be obese!� Then all hell breaks loose and soon the parents will be out of cookies and punishing the chubby little brat. I hate you mom and dad�

Rule # 2 � Try to prove your point as little as possible. This rule only applies if you know that you know you are wrong. What you learned in Science about the Scientific Method and how to question things and recording experiments to prove how you got your answer is just� idiotic. If you know you are wrong and are just arguing for the sake of arguing then just be the biggest asshole you know and you will win by default. If you just sprout a bunch of crap that doesn�t prove anything then your whole argument is ruined.

Rule # 3 � Don�t be afraid to use any form of slander to distract your opponent. This rule is hardcore, and very hazardous. It�s better to lose an argument then to lose your life so use this rule with extreme caution. Example, lets say you�re arguing with a friend of yours who just happens to be Oriental. If he is about 5�3� and 90 lbs then use all the slanderous insults and derogatory remarks to make him mad, because face it there�s nothing Wang-Chung can do here to beat you up. Unless you somehow happen to be smaller� and if you are then you are lucky you haven�t been stepped on yet. Don�t be afraid to call Wang-Chung �Chink� or �Gook� or �Yellow Dog Eater" or even "Slant Eyes" Distracting your opponent in an argument is a great way to nab victory from the clutches of defeat. Remember it�s not wise to use do this when you are facing someone who could slap you around like a little girl and make you their bitch. So use this rule with caution.

Rule # 4 � If your opponent gets too frustrated then you win. Use childish remarks and antics to just make the person you are arguing with so upset that they just want to leave and therefore you are the victor. You could use the ever popular �Nuh-Uh!� or some smart-ass remark whenever they actually make a good point. And the key there is when they make a good point.
The point of doing this is to prove that you are a complete moron and they�re just wasting time arguing with you when they should be going off and getting a college degree or whatever the smarter people do. While you are the victor only one day to be in a trailer barking orders at your spouse and drinking beer.

Rule # 5 - If your opponent happens to beat you, don't be afraid to smack him or her around alittle. This will end the argument and start an all-out brawl. Make sure there are other people around to pull the bigger guy off of your body. If by some odd circumstance the people just stand around and watch this big brute pummel your body to jelly... then... sorry. Just remember to curl up in a little ball and cover your head. The point of even initiating the fight is to end the argument in a draw, and doesn't make you the loser.

This is the end of my rules to win any argument. I am no how an expert on the subject so taking this advice seriousily would not only be stupid but hazardous to your health. This has been Son Pablo Renaldo signing off. God speed and drive careful! And remember one thing, rats spelled backwards... is star.