The ninja, being as secretive as it is, is a very mysterious figure. After I released my �How to Successfully Fight and Defeat A Ninja� article, my e-mail inbox was flooded with questions from curious people with questions about ninjas that I left unanswered in my short writing. After nearly a year since the first one was released, I have decided to answer some of the questions you (the reader) sent me.

Q: You never mentioned female ninjas, you bastard. Why not?

A: In all of ninja history, some four thousand years, no woman has ever donned the sacred garb of the ninja. This obviously points to the fact that men are just superior to women, and being a ninja is just too much to handle for a woman. It takes considerable strength and self control to be a ninja.

Q: Why are they so damn quiet? What? Are they hiding something? Sneaky bastards...

A: The ninja�s profession demands silence. An assassin cannot be given away by heavy breathing or ill placed footsteps. Total silence is the key to survival, and the ninja follows this philosophy closely. Plus, ninjas are not very talkative men. The sight of countless gruesome deaths has more or less deadened them to anything in the world except killing.

Q: If Death was a ninja, would he be allowed to use his scythe as a ninja weapon? And if not, what weapon would he use?

A: Quite the interesting question from one of our more intelligent fans. If Death was a ninja (and quite the badass ninja he�d make), he would definitely be allowed to use his scythe as a weapon. After all, the more badass a weapon, the better. However, if for some reason the Tribunal decided that the scythe is inappropriate, then Death would opt for a far more terrifying weapon... the Hanson brothers. I don�t know of anyone who can withstand that.

Q: Was it at all possible that Jesus was a ninja-in-training?

A: Looking at the facts, I�d say it was highly possible. Jesus was a man of dubious origin, wore flowing robes (which were the precursor to modern ninja garb), spent forty days alone in the wilderness, punched out Paul the Apostle, and kick incomprehensible amounts of ass. All the signs point to yes.

Q: About them Space Ninjas... what if they got in a fight with Buzz Lightyear from �Toy Story?�

A: The fight would be extremely one sided. Buzz Lightyear�s ass would be kicked. He�s made of plastic.

Q: My junk is definitely bigger than a ninja�s, right?

A: Most definitely not. If your occupation was to kill people all day long, you�d have a huge schlong, too. Ninjas are among the most well endowed men on the planet.

Q: Wait, back to the first question, you sexist bastard. Why can�s a lady be a ninja?

A: First of all, the phrase �lady ninja� is a complete oxymoron. Don�t get me wrong, ninjas are very gentlemanly, but a lady ninja.... it just makes me shudder.
But, to answer your question, I see that we shall have to look at the facts.
FACT!!!- Women have breasts. Such breasts would greatly constrict their movement and hinder their ability in sword-play, an essential skill for any ninja.
FACT!!!-Also, women have what doctors call �Pre Menstrual Syndrome,� a horrible affliction where Satan comes every month to visit the woman for a few days, causing much grief everywhere. A ninja cannot be subject to this; he needs to be in control of his every thought and action.
FACT!!!-Women are just plain ornery. Can you imagine a ninja nagging his victims to death? Me either.

Well, that�s all the answers I have for now, but make sure to keep checking back, as future volumes are imminent. (I plan to dedicate an entire one to the greatest of all ninjas... Chuck Norris.)

I sense in your future that face rockage is imminent.