The ninja has not always been deadly in the public�s eye, however. After the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles did an ill-timed collaboration with Vanilla Ice in the mid-eighties, the ninja retreated from society, developed a drinking problem, and got a job as a night clerk at a convenience store. However, with the coming of the twenty-first century, the ninja has reemerged, even deadlier than ever. It is not uncommon these days to be confronted by one of these warriors of the night. Since the ninja is so deadly, one needs to be prepared to act should the situation arrive.

Being the great man that I am, and with my extensive knowledge of ninjas, (mainly stemming from Bruce Lee movies) I have compiled a list of pointers of how to successfully fight and defeat a ninja.

To best avoid ninjas, it is important to know the areas they most frequent. Ninjas make their home in Japanese pagodas, but are rarely there. Instead, ninjas prowl dense forests and/or jungles. Ninjas have been known to frequent caves, too. Avoid traveling at night, for ninjas are best at home in the nighttime.

These days, the ninja comes equipped with a motley of different weapons. While each of these tools are very deadly, most have a weakness that can be exploited. Here are some of the ninja�s favorite weapons, and how they can be neutralized.

Sword: Since the beginning of ninjas, the sword has been the staple of their armaments. Simple, silent, and deadly, the sword is almost an extension of their bodies. Over time, its design has changed little, and its function stays the same: cutting various body parts off of enemies.

Countermeasures: Let�s face it. If a ninja comes at you with a sword, things aren't looking good. But, if you keep your wits about you, you can come through alive. Stay out of the sword's range at all times. If the ninja uses his blinding speed to approach you, then get as close to the ninja as you can. When an opponent is too close, the sword proves very unwieldly. After closing in on the ninja, use one of any various Tae Bo moves to disarm him.

Throwing Stars: Arguably the most popular of the ninja�s weapons, the throwing star is effective at eliminating enemies from afar, without noise or hassle. Its design varies in the different ninja castes, but essentially it is a star shaped disc (ranging from four to six points) that is sharpened to a razor point all around the circumference. The star is gripped with care and thrown, much like a Frisbee; a small, whirling Frisbee of death.

Countermeasures: The throwing star�s biggest asset is the element of surprise. If you see a ninja readying a throwing star, be prepared to take action. If you are fast, you can get out of the way of it. After the throwing star has cleared you, try and close the distance between you and the ninja as soon as possible.

Nunchucks: A contender with the throwing stars for the most popular ninja weapon, nunchucks serve a different function. Whereas the sword and throwing star are extremely lethal, the nunchucks are mainly used to rough up an opponent a bit. For the uneducated, nunchucks are a very simple weapon. The basic design is two small, thick sticks, held together with a small length of rope or chain. In some instances, powerful nunchucks have been fashioned with bone and the hair of a sacrificed virgin, but those were mainly used by the Brazilian ninjas, who were a small, weak group, and do not concern us. Nunchucks are most appropriately used when beating up a fat person. The nunchucks smack against the victim�s skin and bounce off, doing little damage, but looking very cool.

Countermeasures: The simple answer would be �Don�t get hit,� but you are not the simple reader. When a ninja approaches you with nunchucks, take note of the spinning motion they are constantly in. Try and disrupt this spinning, (by throwing a rock at them or a similar tactic) and the nunchucks will lose most of their effectiveness. The ninja can still strangle you with them, but that will not be covered in this section.

Laser Cannon: The laser cannon is the primary weapon of the dreaded �Space Ninjas.� These vagabonds are the pirates of the interstellar vastness, preying on the weak and outnumbered. The laser cannon comes in many different varieties; the most common is a small model mounted on a pair of gauntlets worn by the Space Ninja. Although many different models of laser cannon are available for the Space Ninja, the most common laser cannons are set to �vaporize.�

Countermeasures: It is highly improbable that you will meet a Space Ninja one day, as they avoid Earth like the plague. (Space Ninjas are more cowardly and weak than their Earthly cousins.) But, if you are in an area highly trafficked by Space Ninjas, make certain your personal deflector shields are set at full strength.

Staff: As with the nunchucks, the staff is not meant to be a lethal weapon, but more of a tool to frighten and dishearten an opponent. Repeated whacks with a staff could turn the strongest contender into a cautious, careful wussy. As with all ninja weapons, staffs come in many different varieties. The most prevalent are the wooden staffs, usually made of bamboo or another flexible wood, measuring five to seven feet in length. The resourceful ninja can use the staff as more than a weapon. For example, it can be used to pole vault over a large chasm, or as a limbo stick at any of the ninja parties. (Yes, ninjas have parties, too. They�re still human beings, you know)

Countermeasures: The main advantage of the staff is its long reach and blinding speed. Take care not to get in the path of a staff. A single blow can easily turn the tide of the fight in favor of the ninja. If you see that you are going to get hit, try and turn your body away so the staff will strike a non-vital area, such as the legs. It may hurt more, but in the long run it will be much better.

Blowgun: The ninja is not above ranged warfare. As with the throwing stars, the blowgun is used to effectively eliminate threats from afar. The main advantage of the blowgun is that the darts can be poisoned. The blowgun is seldom used, as throwing stars have proved more effective.

Countermeasures: Chances are you won�t see a ninja readying a blowgun to use against you. The blowgun is mostly used when the ninja is hidden from sight, and the prey unsuspecting. If you are in an area that is heavily trafficked by ninjas, always be listening for the sound of deep inhalation, for that is the only warning you will have. An agile person can dodge the dart, or even catch it out of the air. If you choose the latter, make sure you don't touch the point, for it is most likely poisoned.

Ok. So, now you have an idea of the weapons employed by a ninja. But, if you actually meet a ninja, do you think you would be able to fend him off? Chances are, you probably couldn�t. But, at least now you know what you are going to go up against. This concludes the first installment of �How To Successfully Fight and Defeat a Ninja,� but stay tuned for future updates, as in part two I examine the rare Mexican ninjas, and their unique but deadly Sombrero Style.

Mouthful of Grandma