If you are a student at OHHS, you have heard of Adam Howard before. If you haven�t, then you should be ashamed of yourself. Please leave the room� Now, if you are a non-retard, you may have seen him in the hallways before, or even have been blessed with the opportunity to talk to him, but do you really know him? Probably not. There are few whom have delved deep enough into his mind to know the true Adam. Since I, Paul Stein, am one of his closest compatriots I feel that the time has come for the world to know Adam Howard.

Adam Howard is a son of a bitch! He is one bad mofo. The only one of our group who should have been born a colored man, his perfect sense of rhythm and street humor doesn�t match with his pale, pasty skin. If a person�s worth was measured in eggs, then Adam would be the biggest omelet in the world. Honestly. Whether helping a peer pick up his papers after he was cruelly booked, or positioning his quiz in such a way that you are able to see the answers, Adam always looks out for the good of the students.

Adam�s life was not always such peaches and cream. As a child, he suffered from a rare condition few children have to go through. He has three first names. Adam Steven Howard. For much of his elementary career, the most important of the formative years, he never even knew what to call himself. Should it be Adam? Or should he be dignified, and be Howard? Or perhaps he should be casual, and go by Steve. He drove his teachers insane, as he always signed his assignments with a different name. Eventually, he was able to overcome this terrible ailment and flowered into the remarkable young man he is now.

A truly hilarious man, he never fails to bring a smile to even the saddest of faces. It is as if Menudos, the Bohemian god of Humor (you know how those Bohemians love their humor) ejaculated all over Adam, bestowing unto him quick wits and a stylish sense of humor. Not to mention a big, big mess. But, Adam just wiped off that mess and was left with what he has now� perfection.

While being a gentle giant in the halls, Adam turns into a raging beast on the football field. For seven straight years, he has been a part of the glorious Ogemaw sports curriculum. All were proud of him; his father, his mother, and me. As we would watch him tear apart the opposition as if they were a delicious plate of chicken back, a collective tear would roll down our collective faces. He had found his calling.

Tragedy stuck Adam during his junior year. He was injured during a practice, honing his already tremendous skills. An anonymous teammate, caught up in the football frenzy, accidentally fell on top of Adam, dislocating his elbow. The world mourned, for they thought the light of his glory was diminished. But Adam didn�t lose heart. He set himself on a course of rehabilitation. By following a strict and rigorous training program, he eventually regained use of his arm. But, it seemed it was all in vain. Adam had missed all of the season.

The final game, where the Falcons played the mighty Gaylord, was lost mainly because Adam had to sit the bench. Without his leadership and skill, the Falcons found that they couldn�t perform as well. They faltered in the face of opposition, and fell. But, all is understandable, for they lacked Adam. After all, the Germans didn�t have Adam back in '45.

But, if you are still worried about Adam, do not fret. His arm has healed, and he is back to his normal self. I hope you have learned much about Adam from this, but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Adam is much too deep to discuss in a mere ten or twelve paragraphs. There will be much more to come about this great man, so keep your eyes peeled, for Adam can strike at any time.

Mouthful of Grandma
�Open wide��