Title: Eat to live or live to eat?

Universe: ATF

Character: Ezra

 

Warning: This briefly mentions children and pornography.

 

Notes: Thanks to the many people who have helped me with this, especially, Kati (Karen), Romanse, Dusty and Susan.

 

 

“Ez? Do you want some pizza?” Nathan asked as the undercover agent wandered into the office.

 

“No, thank you. I’m not particularly hungry since I enjoyed a rather large breakfast this morning,” Ezra replied with a small, grateful, but guilty-looking smile.

 

The medic watched the man walk away from him and he frowned in concern. Ezra usually ate more than any of them, although none of it seemed to add any inches to his waistline. He was envied by his fellow team-mates because of that fact. The man was always thin, Nathan thought, but right now he was too thin.

 

Nathan had to admit he was very worried about his friend's welfare. He thought back over the past couple of weeks when he'd noticed that not all seemed to be well with the man. It was Ezra’s behavior more than anything that had triggered his curiosity. The undercover agent had become very cagey around the times when was eating, and he’d started a fitness regime that most Olympic athletes wouldn’t contemplate. Although he had a very healthy appetite, the excessive exercising was negating the food’s effects.

 

Nathan was reminded of the first time that his curiosity had been roused. The seven men had been on a weekend conference and had stayed overnight. Ezra had insisted on having a room to himself. He usually bunked in with Buck and JD when they were away as a group, but he’d been very insistent about arrangements and had become rather aggressive when questioned about it. Buck had cheekily asked if he was going to be entertaining a young lady and Ezra had jumped down his throat, not seeing the funny side at all. That was totally out of character for the usually happy agent. He always liked to spend time with his friends, so for him to opt for solitude was very unusual.

 

When Nathan had gone to Ezra’s room during the stay to invite him for a poker game, the undercover agent had behaved very oddly. He hadn’t allowed Nathan access to his room, but when Nathan had caught a glimpse inside, he’d seen that the man was in the middle of a meal. That was very strange because the seven men had just eaten together in the hotel’s restaurant. Nathan had made no comment at the time, but it had set his mind racing.

 

All-in-all, events weren’t adding up to the medic’s liking. Nathan had taken to watching Ezra closely during meals and the time around them since then, and he had come to a rather upsetting conclusion. Now he just had to prove it once and for all.

 

Nathan was shaken from his thoughts when Josiah hurried into the office and picked up a slice of pizza from the box and began eating it ravenously. Nathan surreptitiously beckoned his friend into the conference room and turned to face the curious profiler once he’d closed the door.

 

“Josiah? Have you noticed anything odd with Ezra’s eating habits recently?”

 

“Well, I can’t say I’ve been watching him - too busy enjoying my own meals, son.” Josiah shrugged and did a bit of thinking on the subject. “He’s usually poking something into his mouth. Quite often it’s chocolate.” The profiler shrugged again and looked at his friend curiously when he detected the worried tone. “Why?”

 

Nathan, in turn, shrugged. He’d turned various possible illnesses over in his mind, but he’d now become totally obsessed with one conclusion. “He don’t look well to my eye. Although he eats normally, or too well on occasion, it don’t seem to be doing him much good at the moment. He’s real skinny. Worse than normal, I reckon. You have to agree that the amount of running and exercising he’s doing isn’t natural either. He doesn’t need to lose weight or keep fit to that extent.”

 

“You think there’s a problem?” Josiah asked anxiously as he stopped chewing and wiped his mouth.

 

Nathan shrugged yet again. “I don’t know for sure, but something ain’t right with him and I aim to find out what. I’ve been keeping an eye on him recently and his behavior patterns point to something that I don’t even want to contemplate.” Why didn’t I do something earlier? I’m supposed to take care of their health, he chastised himself.

 

“Well, I’ll watch him too and see what I think. Tell me what you’re thinking is wrong,” Josiah prodded gently.

 

“An eating disorder.”

 

Josiah looked at him in disbelief. “Are you sure? Maybe it’s something else that’s wrong,” the profiler said, not thinking that Nathan could possibly be correct.

 

“I don’t think so. I’ve had some experience of eating disorders. Rain’s friend suffered from bulimia and Ez is acting in the same way. I’ve thought of other things it could be but I keep coming back to that option every time.”

 

Josiah nodded unhappily. “Then you need to speak to Chris about this as soon as possible, Nathan. If there is a problem it needs to be caught now before it really gets outta hand.”

 

“Yes, I know. Shoulda acted much sooner than this as it is.”

 

The two men went back outside to the main office to join the rest of their team-mates. Nathan saw Chris walk to his own office and close the door, so the medic put down his half-eaten slice of pizza on his desk and went to see him. He knocked on the door and went in when he was beckoned through.

 

“Nate? What’s up?” the blond asked distractedly as he shuffled pieces of paper into a file.

 

The medic sat in the chair opposite Chris when asked to do so but he didn’t settle on the seat, just perching on the edge anxiously. “I’m a bit worried about Ezra. You noticed anything odd with him lately?”

 

“Odd? In what way?” Chris asked curiously as he studied the man’s posture. He knew there was trouble on the horizon just by looking at his friend. Nathan needn’t have said a word because it was that obvious by the way he was sitting.

 

“His eating habits.”

 

Chris frowned deeply but stayed silent for a few minutes before shrugging. He didn’t quite know what Nathan was expecting him to say. “He ate okay the other night when we were at Vin’s. Jeez, he even finished the scraps from Buck and Josiah’s plates. What’s this about, Nate?”

 

“I don’t know, but I have a few suspicions and I admit to being real worried.”

 

The blond nodded although Nathan still hadn’t explained what was going on. “You want me to talk to him? See if there’s anything bothering him?” he asked, to try and get the medic to open up.

 

Nathan knew he had to come clean. He’d come to see the blond because of his concerns after all, so he should voice them, not suddenly become cagey. “No, but can we maybe arrange a meal out, so I can kinda watch him? I need to study him real close, but I’m leaning toward the thought that he has an eating disorder of some sort. Things I’ve seen in how he’s acting point to that but I could be totally wrong. There are other things it could be with the symptoms I’m observing, though, but I’m sure I’m right. I’ve never actually asked him if everything was all right, or if I could help. You know him, though, he probably wouldn’t tell me anyway.”

 

Chris put out a placating hand. “Is it that he doesn’t eat enough, or what? Tell me what you mean exactly, Nate.”

 

“It’s not the fact that he doesn’t eat, or doesn’t eat enough, it’s more that he eats too much sometimes, like at Vin’s. Oh, hell, I can’t explain it, Chris.” Nathan paused and took a few seconds to gather his thoughts. “There’s something else. When he’s eaten, he always disappears to the restroom within an hour or so. I can’t tell what he does at home, but when we spend time together this seems to be the pattern. I think he’s purging… you know, deliberately making himself sick. The fact that he seems to be training for a marathon is another sign. He’s never overexerted himself in the past when he’s got into jogging, but he’s going to the extreme now.”

 

Chris frowned again, his worry building. Nathan was well known for spotting the tiniest warning signs and getting the correct diagnosis. “But why would he?” the blond asked in confusion.

 

“That’s what we need to find out, if he is having trouble,” Nathan said quietly. “I may be totally wrong, but I reckon he’s suffering from bulimia.”

 

Chris felt like he’d been punched. That diagnosis was the last thing he’d been expecting. “Shit. Okay, I’ll arrange a celebratory meal of some sort to make it a plausible excuse for a get together,” he promised, stunned.

 

Nathan nodded and stood up to leave, glad to have got his fears out in the open.

 

Chris watched him go and couldn’t help being very concerned about what he’d just been told. He just couldn’t believe it. Surely Nathan couldn’t be right this time.

 

********************************************

 

Ezra sighed as his stomach began tying itself in knots again. He stared in despair at the packages of biscuits and potato chips that he’d just consumed. He’d only just eaten a big meal and now he’d snacked to excess on top of it. The familiar feelings of guilt surfaced and a lump in the pit of his stomach made itself known. He swallowed and took a deep breath before standing and hurrying along to the bathroom.

 

Images of a child with big blue eyes, who was crying pitifully, assaulted him. He closed his eyes against the memories but that only seemed to make them clearer. He dropped to his knees in front of the toilet and put his fingers quickly down his throat. Tears stung his eyes and he gagged as the entire contents of his stomach were expelled over the course of the next five minutes.

 

*******************************************

 

Two days later, the seven men met up to celebrate the successful end to the last case they’d been working on. They’d ordered a table at The Saloon and by 7.30pm everyone was there. The atmosphere in the bar was the usual noisy cacophony of talking, music and laughter and Chris hoped Ezra would be relaxed and unsuspecting.

 

Ezra ate the meal with his friends and consumed a good bit more than anyone else. He joined in their conversation amiably enough and seemed to be his normal boisterous, funny self. His six companions ordered more beers, but he declined the offer with a wave of his hands.

 

“I’m rather sticky. I’ll just wash up and then head home,” Ezra said with a goodbye nod as he stood and went to the restroom quickly. He knew he wouldn’t be able to last till he got home to throw up. He usually tried to delay things until he was on his own, but today for some reason he couldn’t. The feelings of guilt were already upon him and he had to act. Unbeknown to his friends, Ezra had already had a large meal at home before he’d joined them so he had a large amount of food to expel.

 

Chris watched him leave and thought he’d looked rather pale and strained all of a sudden. He looked at Nathan and the blond nodded imperceptibly. The medic rose and followed Ezra slowly so that the man couldn’t see him coming.

 

Buck turned and watched the medic for a while before facing Chris again and raising a questioning eyebrow. “What you two up to? You planning a joke on Ez?” he asked in amusement.

 

“No,” Chris replied shortly, not elaborating. He wiped his eyes and then lit a cigarette which he smoked anxiously. He tilted his head back and blew out a large cloud of smoke into the air above him and watched it disperse.

 

The group’s drinks arrived at that point and they each took possession of their favourite beverage and took a sip, Nathan’s beer being placed in front of his empty chair.

 

“What then?” Chris’s best friend asked curiously, not wanting to be left out if there was fun on the horizon. He wouldn’t let up until he’d heard exactly what was going on.

 

Chris knew that, and it angered him. “Just leave it, Buck, okay?” the blond snapped as he tapped the ash off his cigarette.

 

Buck frowned, sensing that Chris was worried. “Is something wrong, pard? Is Ezra okay?” he asked as he looked over his shoulder toward the restroom curiously.

 

Chris just shrugged, giving in. “Don’t know yet.” He knew he owed his friends an explanation, but he wished that the circumstances had arisen differently. Being in the middle of a crowded bar wasn’t his idea of the perfect place to drop his bombshell.

 

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Buck asked, sounding angry. “Come on, man. Talk to me.”

 

Chris sighed. “Nate thinks Ez has some kind of eating disorder. He’s just checking up on him now to confirm things.”

 

Buck looked over his shoulder again in concern. He couldn’t believe what he’d just been told, but he had to admit that his friend hadn’t looked well recently. “Jesus, when did all this blow up?”

 

“Couple of days ago, but Nate thinks it’s been going on for some time.”

 

“Jesus Christ.”

 

**************************************

 

Nathan entered the restroom almost silently. It seemed empty except, on closer inspection, one stall door was closed. The medic stood quietly just inside the room and listened intently. He eventually heard the sound of someone throwing up and he sighed unhappily. He moved to stand opposite the occupied stall and waited patiently for its occupant to emerge.

 

The door finally opened and Ezra stopped dead when he saw Nathan standing there with arms crossed. The undercover agent still had a tissue held to his mouth and he looked shocked at finding his friend there. The man quickly wiped his fingers and then stood still awkwardly as if not knowing what to do next.

 

The medic looked him up and down and saw the two dusty patches on Ezra’s pants near his knees. That told him all he needed to know. Ezra had been kneeling on the floor throwing up. Nathan pursed his lips and said softly, “I think we need to talk, don’t you?”

 

“Why?” Ezra asked, pulling himself together. He put the tissue in his pocket and rearranged his pants as if all he’d been doing was peeing.

 

“You have an eating disorder.”

 

“What? How preposterous. They’re for the females of our species,” the undercover agent stated as he pushed past the medic.

 

“No, they ain’t, and you know it,” the medic said as he shook his head. “You were making yourself sick just now – that’s bulimia,” Nathan said as he indicated the toilet.

 

“No, something I ate upset me,” Ezra stated as he washed his hands and dried them.

 

“Bullshit, Ez. I’ve put two and two together.”

 

The undercover agent turned toward Nathan angrily and stood within inches of him. “And made five, I think you’ll find. You should damned well mind your own business. What you see isn’t necessarily what you think.”

 

“I know the signs, Ez. Let me help you,” Nathan said as he held the man’s gaze unwaveringly. The fact that Ezra was protesting so much only made Nathan more convinced that he was right.

 

“I don’t need your help. There’s nothing wrong, except an upset stomach,” Ezra replied as he looked away, knowing his eyes would betray him. He backed up a couple of steps and looked ready to leave. Nathan’s next words stopped him, though.

“Well, it seems that you get an upset stomach after each meal. As I said, I’ve noticed a few things, but I stupidly didn’t take notice of them until now. Every time you eat, you visit the bathroom soon after and puke it up.”

 

“Rubbish,” Ezra said quietly, eyes downcast.

 

Nathan took a step forward and placed a concerned hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Please don’t shut me out. I’m worried about you.”

 

“There’s no need,” Ezra replied, feeling his eyes burn with tears. He raised a hand to his face and tried to hide his distress from Nathan.

 

Nathan’s heart jumped at the sight. Ezra very rarely gave into his emotions, so for him to do so meant trouble ahead.

 

“I think there is,” he said gently as he rubbed the man’s back. “You look sick, Ez, and until I’m convinced that you are medically fit, I’m gonna recommend that you stand down from the team.”

 

“No,” Ezra said in anguish as he dropped his hand back to his side. Unshed tears shone in his eyes and he blinked rapidly to try and get them to disappear.

 

“Chris will back me up in this. He knows of my concerns,” Nathan said forcefully, letting Ezra know that he wasn’t going to drop the subject.

 

The undercover agent seemed to capitulate. He knew Nathan wouldn’t give up now that he had the bit between his teeth. More denial would only make matters worse.

 

Ezra felt trapped and panicked and he began looking for a means of escape. He felt sick and shivery and he hiccupped as if he was going to start crying in earnest. He turned away and leaned on the nearest sink so that Nathan couldn’t see his face.

 

The medic squeezed his shoulder in comfort. “It’ll be all right, Ez. Let me take you home. Wait here and I’ll go tell Chris that we’re leaving.”

 

Nathan hoped Ezra would stay put until his return. The medic walked briskly to his friends’ table and squatted down next to Chris, not realizing that he’d told the rest of the men what was going on.

 

“I’m gonna take Ezra home with me now,” he whispered.

 

Chris nodded and turned so that no one else could hear what was said. Even though they all knew what was going on, he wanted this first contact to be private. “Okay. I’ll call round later. Is he all right? Was he sick?”

 

Nathan shrugged. “Yes, he was, but I can’t say if he’s all right just yet, Chris. He’s denying everything but I know I’m right. He was real close to tears, and you know what that means when Ez allows anyone to see his innermost feelings. I admit that I’m real worried about him, Chris. I’m gonna try and get him to open up, but I can’t guarantee that he’ll talk to me right now. He’s scared, I reckon.”

 

“I had to tell the others about what’s going on, but I’ll try to keep them from visiting, except for maybe Josiah. I’ll see you later, Nate.”

 

The medic nodded and went back to the restroom, collected Ezra and herded him outside. He drove him back to his own house and took him inside.

 

“Chris?” Vin said once Nathan had gone. He’d tried to distinguish what the two men had been saying, but he’d been able to tell from the look on Nathan’s face alone that all was not well with Ezra.

 

“Nate’s taken Ezra home with him. Just leave them to it, okay? I don’t want anyone else interfering until we know exactly what’s going on, except you, Josiah. I’ll keep the rest of you up to date.”

 

“Sure.”

 

The men finished their drinks in silence and then headed home, their evening ending on a somewhat sour note.

 

***********************************

 

Nathan took Ezra inside his house and settled him in the living room. He collected a glass of water for his friend and waited patiently while he drank it.

 

“I want you to stay with me for the moment, Ez. I think we need to have a proper talk first.”

 

“We already did,” Ezra mumbled as he tried to keep his emotions under control.

 

In the car on the way, he’d been embarrassed to suddenly start crying. Tears had streamed down his face uncontrollably as he’d sobbed loud and hard. He’d turned so that Nathan couldn’t see him cry, and he’d felt ashamed and frightened by his lack of control. Nathan hadn’t said anything at the time but had just patted his knee in comfort.

 

“No, we didn’t, so don’t even think of moving from that couch,” the medic ordered seriously.

 

Ezra stayed sitting but wouldn’t look at his companion, not even when he sat beside him. The undercover agent kept fiddling non-stop with the glass in his hand until Nathan reached out and took it away gently. Ezra’s fingers then latched onto the loose material of his pant leg and started twisting that instead. Nathan sighed as he watched the restless digits for a while. He finally put out his hand and laid it over the top of Ezra’s appendage and halted the movement.

 

“Ezra? Look at me,” the medic ordered softly as he squeezed Ezra’s hand in encouragement.

 

A full minute passed before the green eyes raised and shifted in Nathan’s direction.

 

“That’s better, Ez. Now tell me, when did you start puking up your food?”

 

Ezra’s gaze dropped immediately again. “I never have.”

 

“Ezra,” Nathan said in exasperation. “Come on, don’t lie to me. We’ve already been through this. How long has it been going on?”

 

Ezra shrugged as he wiped a slow hand over his mouth. “A while,” he admitted as he began to tremble. “It’s not always that I make myself sick. Sometimes I just think myself sick as well, if you can understand that.”

 

Nathan moved his hand and placed it on Ezra’s back. He rubbed the area between his friend’s shoulder blades with gentle circular movements to try and keep the man calm.

 

“Why did you start? Why do you do it?”

 

Ezra shook his head and then sighed. He knew he couldn’t go on the way he was and he was secretly pleased that Nathan had discovered his secret. He decided to be honest, feeling a real need to confide in someone.

 

“Combination of things but the last straw was the Kilburn case. The things I saw…I felt guilty for walking away unscathed. Some of those children suffered so much and I couldn’t help them. I had to partake in what was done to them and it broke my heart.” Ezra sobbed and raised a hand to his face again.

 

The Kilburn case had been a particularly difficult case for all of them, but for Ezra it had been pure torture. It had involved children and pornography. Ezra had never really talked about what he’d been through. He’d had counseling, but he hadn’t felt able to talk to the rest of his colleagues about it. His report to Chris had been the bare bones, leaving out everything that the undercover agent couldn’t face discussing.

 

Nathan gave Ezra’s shoulder a squeeze. He could see that his friend was in the depths of despair and he vowed to do all he could to help. “It’s okay, Ez. Take your time. Tell me as much, or as little, as you want.”

 

“Can’t.”

 

“That’s all right. That’s just fine. Can you just tell me what in particular made you start puking?”

 

Ezra hiccupped and wiped his eyes on a handkerchief after blowing his nose. “I was just supposed to carry on when it was over. I couldn’t. I felt guilty and I needed to punish myself for the sins I committed,” Ezra said.

 

“Can you tell me what you had to do? I need to understand what’s really upsetting you.”

 

Ezra shook his head and didn’t speak, couldn’t speak.

 

The medic decided to try and cajole an answer from his friend. “Well, I obviously know what the case was about. Was it that you yourself had to hurt the children in some way?”

 

Ezra shook his head negatively and hiccupped.

 

Nathan was definitely glad to get that answer. He knew that Ezra would never have lived with himself if he’d had to physically hurt a child in any way. “Okay, was it that you just couldn’t bear to see what was being done to them?” Nathan asked gently.

 

Ezra finally nodded and began to speak quietly. “Seeing those children every day, and seeing what they were made to endure during filming for the sake of pedophiles made me so sick. I’d never witnessed anything like it before and I had to pretend I was enjoying it. I only ever watched proceedings but that was more than I could bear. To hear the children crying in distress and there was nothing I could do to help them. I sinned so badly.” Ezra sobbed and began to cry heartbreakingly.

 

Nathan drew him into his arms and held him tight against his chest until he’d stopped. “You didn’t sin, Ez. You were doing your job. A hard job, too.” He pulled the man upright. “Tell me what else you felt at the time, what you’re feeling now.”

 

Ezra squirmed and stayed silent for a while. “I don’t know. I can’t put it into words. All I do know is that the Kilburn case took over every aspect of my being and I still can’t shake free of it. Everything’s a mess. I’m stumbling through the days blindly, and I can’t even remember what I’ve done.”

 

“You should have come to me and told me all this before now. I’m sorry I didn’t notice that there was something wrong.”

 

Ezra remained silent and sobbed into his handkerchief for a while longer.

 

Nathan let him settle and then started his questioning again. He kept a hand on the man’s back throughout it all. “Why do you think it was specifically your eating habits that you started messing around with? You could have started missing work, arriving later than normal, calling in sick, instead. Why eating and exercising? Can you think about that and tell me?” Nathan asked, wanting to get all the details of Ezra’s problems.

 

Ezra sighed and took a few moments to contemplate the question. He wasn’t very good at analyzing his innermost thoughts. Finally he shrugged. “The cases I work on I have no control over whatsoever, and after the Kilburn case I couldn’t bear that constant uncertainty anymore. I suppose that I chose to alter my eating and exercise habits because I felt I would at least have some control over one part of my life. I now see that I have no real control over that either. It is now controlling me instead. I suppose that eating was a private thing that I could do when I needed to, to punish myself. If I’d started calling in sick it would have been public. Does that make sense?”

 

“Yes, it does, Ez.” Nathan could feel his own emotions getting the better of him after hearing what Ezra had said. “I’m so sorry, Ez. I know that the Kilburn case was real tough and we didn’t wanna push you about it at the time. You shoulda told us that the counseling you had wasn’t any help, though.” Nathan patted Ezra’s back. “You have to try and think of the fact that you helped to stop that gang’s activities in the end. You must remember that, Ez. You did good, and you couldn’t blow your cover by helping those kids sooner. If you had, none of them woulda been saved.”

 

“I know, but it doesn’t alleviate the guilt about watching them lose their dignity.” Ezra shrugged. “I haven’t slept much since and I can’t concentrate on anything else.”

 

“We’ll get you some help. Something better this time.”

 

Ezra wriggled in embarrassment. “I’m so sorry to be a burden to you yet again, Mr. Jackson. You must get sick of the sight of me.”

 

“Hey, that’s enough of that kinda talk, Ez. You ain’t a burden and never have been one. We’re friends, and friends help each other out,” Nathan said forcefully as he patted Ezra’s knee gently.

 

Ezra nodded as he sniffed and felt his eyes filling with tears again. Nathan felt his heart tighten at the sight and he took a deep breath as he pushed his own feelings to the back of his mind. He couldn’t give into them yet - not when his friend needed him so desperately.

 

“Let me get you something to help you sleep. Seems like you’ve got a lot of rest to catch up on.” Nathan stood and went to the kitchen. He leaned against the sink and bowed his head. He took a few seconds to compose himself and then went back with another drink and some pills. “There ya go. The spare room’s already made up, so you go up to bed, but call if you need anything.” Nathan picked some fruit out of a nearby basket and handed them over as he said, “Now, eat these before you go.”

 

Ezra peeled the banana slowly and sat looking at it for a while as he clenched his jaw. He eventually took a bite and chewed it, his mouth tingling with sensations as he did so. He finally managed to force the food down and threw the skin in the nearby waste basket.

 

“Thank you,” Ezra said as he stood and wiped his hands on his handkerchief. He smiled sadly at Nathan and then set off upstairs.

 

Nathan sat on the couch and put his head in his hands. He chastised himself for not sorting out Ezra’s problems before now. The man had been suffering for months on his own. Two more undercover cases had been completed in the meantime, and the medic now knew that Ezra hadn’t really been up to doing them.

 

There was a knock at the front door so Nathan rose wearily and went to answer it. As expected, he found Chris on the doorstep. He showed his boss through to the living room and invited him to sit down. The two men sat side by side on the couch both feeling tense.

 

“Nate? Anything?” the blond asked anxiously, seeing how strained his friend looked. Something had obviously happened and he wanted to know what. He reached out an anxious hand and put it on the man’s shoulder.

 

“Yeah, it seems the Kilburn case was what really set him off, although there’re other causes, too.” Nathan told Chris what Ezra had said.

 

Chris sighed. “Damn. Why didn’t the counseling help after the Kilburn case?”

 

Nathan shook his head unhappily and shrugged. “I don’t know. I also don’t know how he’s coped all this time on his own. He’s damned near breaking point.”

 

“Can you do anything to help him now?”

 

“Hopefully. Now he’s admitted his problem and the reason for it, he’s already taken the first step toward recovery, but it’s gonna be real hard for him.”

 

Chris nodded in understanding and stood up. “Keep me informed about how he’s getting on. I don’t wanna see him at work for the next few days. Take some time to try and get this sorted out.”

 

“It’s gonna take longer than a few days.”

 

“I know, but what I meant was get him the help he needs. The last thing he should be doing is adding to his stress levels by coming to work,” the blond explained.

 

Nathan nodded gratefully. “I agree. I’ll get him an appointment at the hospital with the eating disorders counselor and see if that helps. I’m out of my depth already.”

 

“You did good, Nate, to have figured out what was wrong. You’ve got nothing to blame yourself for,” Chris said forcefully, knowing that the medic took any ailments as a personal failure.

 

“Just wish I’d helped him sooner.”

 

Chris patted the man’s back, realizing that it would take more than a few words from him to make Nathan feel better. He just needed to see Ezra recover, that was the only thing that would improve his mood. The blond smiled and left the two men to get on together.

 

**********************************

 

Ezra went downstairs the next morning. He’d slept quite well all things considered. Maybe unburdening himself had eased some of his pain, and the medication had certainly helped.

 

“Hey, Ez. Sleep okay?” Nathan asked kindly as soon as he saw his friend.

 

Ezra nodded as he shuffled into the room. He had borrowed some of Nathan's pajamas and they were a bit too large for him. The sleeves and legs were longer than his limbs and he looked rather childlike in them. “Bit better, thank you,” he said as he hoisted up a sleeve and then rubbed his eyes wearily.

 

“What do you want for breakfast?”

 

“I’m not really very hungry,” the undercover agent said as he shook his head and sighed.

 

“You should have something. How about a bagel and a cup of tea?”

 

Ezra shrugged and then rubbed his stomach. He then irritably rolled up the sleeves and legs on the pajamas so he could function a bit better.

 

Nathan placed the food and drink in front of Ezra and then sat beside him. Ezra reached out and clasped the mug. He took a tentative sip and then clenched his jaw, the sight of the food on its own making him feel sick. After staring at the bagel for a while he finally ate a small piece of it. He chewed it laboriously and swallowed with difficulty.

 

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled as he stood and turned to head to the bathroom, hand over mouth.

 

Nathan bowed his head as his heart seemed to stop beating. Ezra had kept down the fruit he’d had last night. Nathan had listened for hours in the darkness for sounds of Ezra being sick, but he’d been pleased not to hear a sound. Things had changed again today, though, but this time the sickness was caused by unhappiness rather than deliberate purging.

 

He stood and walked along to the bathroom. “Ez? Can I come in?”

 

The medic heard no words; just the sounds of retching. He pushed open the door and stepped inside. Ezra was bending over the sink throwing up the remaining contents of his stomach, which wasn’t much. Most of what came up was bile.

 

The undercover agent's state of mind was now plunging the depths of despair. He realized how difficult it was going to be to recover from his current illness. He didn't know if he would have the strength to break free from the nightmare that his life had become.

 

Nathan moved to stand beside the man and placed a gentle hand on his back. He didn’t know what to say, so he stayed quiet and just kept rubbing Ezra’s back firmly. Finally Ezra stopped heaving, feeling weak and shivery. He filled a glass with water and washed his mouth round before spitting the water out.

 

“Come on, into the living room with you,” Nathan said as he guided his friend along the hallway and down the stairs.

 

He eased Ezra down onto the couch. The undercover agent was now crying quietly as his body shook uncontrollably. Nathan sat beside him and put his arm around his shoulder. He pulled the upset man toward him and held him until he quieted. It was like holding a vulnerable child in his arms and he treated the man with the utmost care.

 

The medic heard a key in the lock and knew one of his friends had arrived. Chris had told the rest of the men about Ezra’s admissions the previous night and it had been decided to send Josiah to talk to the upset agent.

 

As expected, the profiler appeared in the doorway.

 

“Hey, Josiah,” Nathan greeted quietly as he looked up from where he tenderly held his other friend.

 

“I’ll wait in the kitchen,” Josiah said when he saw that Ezra was upset.

 

The undercover agent by now had exhausted himself, so Nathan decided to let the man catch up on some more sleep. He lay his friend down and collected a thick, soft blanket. Even before he had covered the man, Ezra was asleep.

 

Nathan met up with Josiah and made some coffee for them to drink while they talked. The medic concentrated solely on the task at hand as he tried to control his own emotions. Seeing a friend in distress was hard to handle and he’d only just managed to retain his composure.

 

“How’s he getting on?” the profiler asked quietly when he saw how upset Nathan was.

 

Nathan shrugged and wiped his eyes. He placed a mug of coffee in front of Josiah and sat down opposite him. “He said he slept okay, but he puked up his breakfast and he’s just cried himself to sleep. He’s real depressed and it’s affecting his eating. Sometimes it’s his anxiety that makes him sick, but with the purging he physically makes himself sick, either by putting a finger down his throat or drinking something to cause vomiting. Mustard and water’s a good one for that, I think.” Nathan sighed. “There’s always the laxative method, too. Dammit, I wish I’d helped him sooner.”

 

Josiah narrowed his eyes when he heard the self-rebuke in Nathan’s tone. He sat up and said forcefully but with understanding, “You’re helping him now, and that’s all that matters. He knows he can trust us and that we’ll be with him for the long haul.”

 

“Yes, but I’ll make sure I tell him again. He gets real insecure at times like this. His troubles just seem to keep multiplying, don't they?” Nathan said quietly.

 

***********************************

 

Ezra woke several hours later to find that Nathan and Josiah were sitting watching over him. The undercover agent struggled into an upright position and rubbed his eyes. Josiah nodded to Nathan, so the medic rose quietly and left the room.

 

Josiah moved to sit next to Ezra and he took a few seconds to really study the troubled man. “Hello, son. Called Vin earlier and he wanted you to know that all the boys are thinking of you.”

 

Ezra nodded, but didn’t speak. He felt like a new species being studied. The scrutiny he was under was rather hard to cope with.

 

Josiah sighed and got down to business. “How ya feeling, son?”

 

Ezra shrugged and fidgeted on the couch unhappily.

 

The profiler watched Ezra’s body language and saw that the man was almost curling into a protective ball. He knew it was no good pushing him to talk at the moment. He didn’t want to force the man to talk when he was obviously in such a bad way.

 

“Chris wants you to go and stay on the ranch with him, but what do you want?” he said instead.

 

“I want to get better,” Ezra whispered simply, “but I don’t know how.”

 

The profiler nodded at the answer as his throat closed up in upset. He took a moment to settle as he put his arm round Ezra’s shoulder. “We’ll do all we can to make sure you recover, no matter how long it takes. Who do you want to stay with through that time, though? We don’t want you on your own, son.”

 

Ezra stayed silent as he contemplated his options. It was kind of Chris to offer him a place to stay but if he was continually having to come to town for appointments it would all add to his stress levels. It just wasn’t practical so he discounted that choice, although he had to admit that he did enjoy staying on the ranch. Shame. Next he thought of Vin. The sharpshooter only had a small apartment and during the past year, Ezra had spent quite a lot of time staying with the man while he’d been recovering from a bad injury. He didn’t want to outstay his welcome so he discounted him, too. Next he thought of Nathan. The medic was in a serious relationship with Rain, and Ezra didn’t want to come between them. Rain visited quite a lot and he would feel that he was in the way. Josiah, on the other hand, quite often had his sister staying with him, in fact she was with him at the moment. He didn’t feel that he could impose on the profiler either.

 

He sighed and made his decision, hoping that the man he’d chosen would actually want him. “Buck, then. No offense to Mr. Jackson, but…”

 

“He won’t give a damn, Ez. He just wants you to be comfortable with whomever you prefer. I’m sure Buck would love to have you. Let me give him a call,” the profiler said as he gave Ezra an encouraging squeeze.

 

Josiah left the room and updated Nathan before calling the ladies’ man. “Buck? Ezra wants to come stay with you. Are you happy with that?”

 

“Sure, I am. JD can go join Chris or Vin as we agreed if Ezra did choose me.”

 

“Okay, I’ll bring him round soon.”

 

Buck spoke quickly to make sure that Josiah didn’t put the phone down. “Josiah? Tell Ez that the kid took the Jag back to his house after he left the saloon. Didn’t wanna leave it there. We used the spare set of keys he keeps with us.”

 

“Okay, thanks for that, son. It’s one less worry for him,” the profiler said gratefully as he ran a shaking hand round the back of his neck wearily.

 

He then wandered back to join Ezra in the living room. “Ezra? Buck’s waiting for you. If you want to collect some things from home, I’ll take you on to him.”

 

“What about Mr. Dunne?” the undercover agent asked, suddenly remembering that the youngest agent lived with the ladies’ man. How could I have forgotten that fact?

 

“He’s going to stay with Chris or Vin. Don’t you worry about that, it’s all in hand. Oh, by the way, JD took your car back home, so it’s safe and sound,” he said as an afterthought.

 

Ezra nodded in appreciation. “I’m very grateful to you all. For once in my life, I’d actually forgotten about my car. There are more important things to deal with sometimes.”

 

Josiah nodded and sighed. “I know, son. Come on, let’s get you round to your new abode.”

 

***********************************

 

At the condo, JD was hastily packing his suitcase.

 

“Got everything, kid?” Buck asked as he passed over some socks that he’d picked up from the floor.

 

“Don’t know. Told you I shoulda packed last night in readiness, then I wouldn’t have had to panic like this.”

 

Buck shrugged and tried to tidy up the room a bit, but he was fighting a losing battle. JD was busy creating even more havoc on the other side of the room in the closet. T-shirts, pants and a whole load of other things were being thrown on the bed ready for packing. “Well, you’re not going to the other side of the world. If you forget something I can bring it into work for you. You’re only staying with Chris,” he said as he watched his housemate in amusement.

 

“How long do you think Ez will be here?” JD asked distractedly as he screwed up some pants and shoved them in his suitcase.

 

“Can’t say, kid. It’s gonna be quite some time I should think, maybe a few months.” Buck studied his companion as he crossed his arms thoughtfully. Something in his friend’s tone of voice had piqued his curiosity. “You are all right with this, aren’t you? You don’t mind moving out?”

 

JD flicked his companion a look and shook his head unconvincingly. He wasn’t quite sure, to be honest, why he had to move out at all. He wasn’t going to own up to Buck, though. “No, of course I don’t. I know you and Ez get on real well and I wanna do all I can to help, too. If that means moving out then I’ll do it,” he said slightly louder than need be, as if being louder was being more positive.

 

“That’s great, then. You know you’re welcome to come round any time, too. Just ‘cause Ez is here doesn’t mean that we can’t have a boys’ night in. It’ll do Ez good to have some other company.”

 

“Okay, I’ll come in once in a while, but I don’t wanna make him feel that I want him to leave. He might feel that way if I keep coming home.”

 

Buck nodded at the truth in that statement. “Maybe you’re right, but you also don’t want him to think that you’re staying away because he’s here and that you’re not comfortable visiting. That could be worse.”

 

JD nodded, too. “We’ll just have to play it by ear.” The young agent looked round his bomb-site of a room and sighed. “Right, well, I’ll see you when I see ya. Look after Ez, won’t you?”

 

“That was my intention. Take care of yourself, kid, and call me if you want to.”

 

“Yeah, see ya.”

 

JD lifted his case and went down to meet up with Vin who was going to drive him out to the ranch. His case was too big to take on his bike so Vin had offered to take him in the larger mode of transport.

 

“Hey, kid,” Vin greeted as he opened the back of the jeep to allow JD to fling in his case. “Ready to go?”

 

“Yeah, but I’m sure I’ve forgotten something important,” JD said distractedly as he tried to think of what it could be.

 

“Well, Chris has usually got a supply of most things.” Vin studied his companion closely and saw he looked slightly disgruntled. “Somethin’ on your mind?”

 

JD climbed in the front seat and squirmed in embarrassment. He looked across at Vin who had just settled in his seat and was waiting for an answer.

 

“I don’t know why I’ve really got to leave. We’ve had three people in the loft before with no trouble. Why have I got to leave now?” JD asked feeling slightly guilty for his comments after having just assured Buck that he was okay with the arrangements.

 

Vin started the motor and pulled out into the traffic. “Well, it ain’t been for something as important as this before. Ez really needs some privacy and one-to-one help. You know what bulimia is, don’t ya?” the sharpshooter asked as he flicked a quick look at his companion.

 

“Yeah, eating too much and then throwing up.”

 

“Yeah, it’s a vicious circle. Ez is stuck in this loop and can’t get out. Buck’s gonna help him to escape, along with help from the professionals. You know what the Kilburn case was like for Ez. He’s got to come to terms with some nasty memories and it’ll be like reliving it all again. This is a real bad time for him, and he don’t need us all hanging around gawking at him.”

 

“But I’d help too.”

 

Vin sighed unhappily. “Sometimes too much help ain’t good either. It can get too confusing for the patient with too much advice from too many sources. I know everyone intends to be helpful, but it has the opposite effect on occasion. Leave Buck to it. We can always step in later if need be.”

 

“He said I could go in and visit sometimes,” JD said warily, wondering if he now should. From what Vin was saying, it sounded as though he should be keeping his distance.

 

Vin’s next words placated him, though. “That’s good, kid. Ez would welcome a change in company every so often, we just don’t wanna crowd him. Believe me, you staying with Chris is helping more than you know.”

 

“Buck said it could be for months,” JD said quietly as he intertwined his fingers and wiggled them anxiously.

 

“Well, if it is, you’ll just have to stick with it. You can’t hurry these things. You’ll still see Buck at work every day, so you won’t have time to miss him,” Vin said, picking up on the real reason for JD’s despair. Buck and the kid had a unique relationship, not quite father and son and not quite brothers, but something in between. The youngster always missed Buck when separated for any length of time.

 

“I’m that easy to read, am I?” JD asked wryly as he sat up straight.

 

Vin looked over at his companion briefly and smiled. “I know how you feel about Buck, kid. You’re joined at the hip, ain’t ya?”

 

JD nodded. “Perhaps it’ll do us good to have a break from one another. Things do tend to get a bit intense sometimes. He can be a bit overwhelming.”

 

“That’s our Buck,” Vin said as he grinned and patted JD’s knee. “You okay, now? You understand why things have to be this way?”

 

JD nodded and finally settled back in his seat. “Yeah, I see why I need to be away. I just hope Ez gets better as a result.”

 

“I’m sure he will. It’s just gonna take time,” Vin said, sincerely hoping he was right.

 

********************************

 

Josiah drove Ezra to Buck’s after packing a few suitcases with supplies from home. The profiler had done most of the packing because Ezra just wasn’t concentrating and was leaving behind a lot of essentials.

 

“Hey, pard,” the ladies’ man greeted Ezra in genuine pleasure. “Come on in and help me get your room ready. Don’t reckon JD’s thrown anything out since he’s lived here. Bet if I dig deep enough, I’ll find a few dinosaur bones from when he had that obsession with Jurassic Park.”

 

Ezra smiled at the memory. “He took his interest a bit too far, didn’t he? I don’t know of anyone else who built a scale-model of the island and populated it with toy dinosaurs.”

 

“Yeah, he became a dinosaur nerd for about six weeks, didn’t he? Drove me mad.”

 

Josiah smiled at the memories. “I’ll leave you to it then, guys. Don’t want to delve through JD’s dirty laundry, which I dare say is scattered all over the place, too,” he said as he moved toward the door.

 

“Coward,” Ezra replied as he shook Josiah’s hand and patted his arm in thanks.

 

Josiah held Ezra’s hand longer than necessary as he squeezed it gently and patted the back of it with his other hand. “Call me. Anytime, son. Promise me.”

 

“I promise.”

 

Buck and Ezra waved goodbye and then wandered through to JD’s room. They surveyed the scene of devastation before them and rolled up their sleeves in readiness for the task ahead.

 

“Nothing short of a hovel,” Ezra muttered as he waded in and started throwing unwanted, or dirty, things over his shoulder into a pile by the door.

 

Buck meanwhile headed to the bed and began changing the linen. After a couple of hours’ hard work, the room was transformed into something close to habitable. The job had been very beneficial for one of the men. It had kept Ezra’s mind occupied and the time had flown by for him.

 

“There you are, then,” Buck said in satisfaction as he stood and looked at the fruits of their efforts. “That looks better. Think you can survive in here now?”

 

“I’ll be fine once the odor of ancient socks dissipates. I really do appreciate you letting me stay.”

 

“No, thanks necessary, pard. I want you here and I like your company.”

 

“Not right now you won’t, maybe,” Ezra said quietly as he shuffled from foot to foot.

 

“All the time, pard. You’re my friend and I wanna do all I can to help you get over this. We’ll take it slow and steady.” Buck paused. “You know Nate’s arranging for you to see someone at the hospital?”

 

Ezra nodded as he contemplated all the treatment he was likely to have to endure. “Yes, he said he’d call with the date and time. I admit to being rather apprehensive about going.”

 

Buck patted Ezra’s back, seeing just how unsettled he was about the future. “There’s no need, Ez. It’s their job and all they want to do is help. They’re not going to judge you or nothing.”

 

“No, I can do that all by myself.”

 

Buck shook his head gently at his friend’s words. “Come on, Ez. There’s nothing to recriminate yourself for. Your feelings show that you cared for those kids. You’ve just gotta try not to get so involved.”

 

“It’s not that easy, Mr. Wilmington,” Ezra said as he looked at Buck seriously. “I can’t just wipe away the memories of what I saw and what I did. Usually I’m dealing with gun-runners and drug dealers and I can handle that, but this case was so totally different that I couldn’t distance myself. I didn’t touch any of the children, if that’s what you’re thinking, but I still played a major part in their misery.”

 

Buck nodded in understanding. He knew that Ezra had a particular love of children and to have witnessed them being abused in such a horrendous way must have been very hard for him. “I understand how difficult it was for you, bud. Your job is the hardest there is.” Buck shrugged. “I really admire you, Ezra. You’re so versatile with the characters you play. It’s like watching a Shakespearian actor at work. You’ve got nerves of steel under your fancy exterior, but you’ve also got a heart of gold that’s easily broken.”

 

Ezra looked embarrassed so Buck patted his friend’s back again and smiled. He took one more look around the bedroom and smiled in satisfaction at a good morning’s work.

 

“Let’s go and get some lunch. Think we deserve a break after all our hard work, don’t you?” he said as he rubbed his rumbling stomach in an attempt to quiet it.

 

Ezra followed his friend along to the kitchen, feeling quite hungry.

 

“What do you want?” Buck asked as he opened the cupboards to show Ezra what was available.

 

“Could I have soup? If that isn’t too much trouble.”

 

“’Course it ain’t. Choose what flavor you want while I find the bowls. Do you want some bread with it?”

 

Ezra nodded as he picked out the can that he wanted. “Yes, please.”

 

Buck heated up the thick liquid and shared the meagre meal with Ezra. He didn’t want to start tucking into a three-course meal in case it put Ezra off eating altogether.

 

****************************************

 

Buck went with Ezra to his first session with the eating disorder therapist, which Nathan had arranged quickly. The ladies’ man didn’t go in with Ezra, but waited patiently outside for an hour until his friend emerged.

 

Ezra looked slightly harassed and worried and Buck stood up in expectation. He wondered what had happened to get his friend so flustered. It turned out that Ezra was just worried about what the answer would be to his next question.

 

“Mr. Wilmington? Before we leave, can I ask you something?” he asked in agitation.

 

“Sure ya can, pard,” Buck replied, trying to put his friend at ease.

 

“Would you be my supporter through this? I assume it’s something like an AA supporter, although I think you’re called a co-therapist which sounds much better,” Ezra asked quickly, as if he was glad to get the question out. He fidgeted from foot to foot as he waited for the answer and Buck could hear him breathing rapidly.

 

He moved to put his friend’s mind at ease and put him out of his misery. “I’d be only too happy to be your co-therapist, pard,” Buck said as he patted Ezra’s back.

 

Ezra looked tremendously comforted and Buck realized that he’d expected a negative answer. Ezra then let out a sigh of relief and smiled shyly.

 

“Would you mind talking to the counselor then? He’d like to go through a few things with you,” the undercover agent asked as he pointed into the room.

 

Buck nodded, glad that he had some backup. In truth, he found the whole prospect of the future daunting. He didn’t want to do the wrong thing, so it was good to have contact with the therapist as well. “Sure, it’ll be good to know what’s expected of me so I can help you properly,” he said as he squeezed Ezra’s shoulder quickly.

 

Ezra nodded and smiled again. “Thank you. You’ve been a good friend to me.”

 

Buck went into the office and had a lengthy conversation with the therapist, Dr Barnett. He came away laden with leaflets and other things. He felt a bit happier about the circumstances he was about to launch into, but he was still on edge.

 

The two agents drove home, both anxious about what the future held. Despite Buck’s feelings, he wasn’t going to let them get in the way of helping Ezra through the next few months.

 

Once they got back inside the condo, Buck made some tea and sat Ezra at the table in the living room. “Okay, pard. Let’s read some of this stuff and work out some kinda plan.”

 

Buck started to sift his way through some of the information while Ezra sipped his tea.

 

“Feel all right, Ez?” he asked when he saw that his friend wasn’t taking much interest.

 

Ezra shrugged. “I just find it hard to comprehend that reading a few pieces of literature will improve matters for me.”

 

“Well, it won’t if you ain’t even gonna try. These people know what they’re talking about, bud, and your therapist seemed genuinely concerned about you.” Buck indicated the leaflets. “This approach has obviously worked for countless other sufferers. You don’t get something for nothing in this life. If you wanna get better, you’ve gotta work at it, pard. Just listening to what the therapist has to say won’t cure you overnight. It’s a two-way street, Ez.”

 

Ezra rubbed his face and sighed. After listening to the therapist that morning, he knew it was going to take a long time for him to recover. It was only now really sinking in about the amount of effort he was going to have to expend to do so. “I know. It’s just hard for me to believe I will ever recover.”

 

“Well, you’ve gotta get rid of that negative attitude for a start. Let’s make tomorrow the first day of the rest of your life.” Buck held his hands up when he saw the look on Ezra’s face. “I know that’s corny but that’s how you’ve gotta think about it. Put your eating experiences in the past and start over.”

 

“Just like that?” Ezra asked as he arched a questioning eyebrow. He couldn’t see that it was going to be that easy. He guessed it was going to be like giving up an addiction, there would be a period where he would probably lapse back to his old ways. Even if there wasn’t going to be withdrawal symptoms it was still going to be hard to change what had become a way of life.

 

“No, Ez. You know it’s gonna be a long, hard road, but you don’t wanna live like this forever, do you? It says in here,” Buck said as he held up one leaflet, “that you have to set yourself reasonable targets, give yourself a treat to aim for. Whatever you do, though, don’t be too eager and bite off more than you can chew.” Buck winced. “Sorry, that was damned insensitive.”

 

“No, it was quite amusing actually,” Ezra said with a smile.

 

“Okay, let’s decide what your first target is going to be.” Buck turned to the leaflets in front of him and studied one closely as he tapped the pen he held against his teeth thoughtfully. “Right, how often do you, did you, throw up? Was it after every meal, or just once or twice a week?”

 

“At least once a day. Depends on whether I’m having a good or bad day and how much I’ve eaten, or how I’m feeling.”

 

Buck read the next section of the leaflet and looked back at Ezra. “How soon after you’d eaten?” he asked curiously.

 

Ezra looked annoyed and snapped, “I don’t time myself. What sort of ridiculous question is that?”

 

Buck narrowed his eyes when he heard the genuine anger in Ezra’s voice. The undercover agent was usually an even-tempered man. “Think, Ez. You’ve gotta crack the cycle, pard. Come on, concentrate.”

 

The undercover agent didn’t look too impressed. “I suppose generally an hour or so after. It varies, so I really can’t be sure,” he muttered sulkily.

 

“Okay, well let’s make your first target to extend that time by a little for a week and see how we get on.”

 

“Why we? It’s me that has to stop the cycle,” Ezra said as he made gestures in the air to mean speech marks when he said the word cycle.

 

The ladies’ man sighed at Ezra’s attitude. “I said we, because we’re in this together and you asked me to be your co-therapist. Would you rather just carry on as you have been? If so, I’ll take you home now.” Buck hated being tough and seemingly uncaring, but he felt he needed to be forceful at this precise moment. The ladies’ man looked at Ezra seriously and saw the man shake his head negatively. “All right then.” Buck glanced down at the leaflet. “Now, tell me if you think you can hold off puking for longer. We’ll see how long it is after you eat that you throw up on the first day and then go on from there.”

 

Ezra nodded as he contemplated what he’d just been asked to do. “I’ll certainly try, Mr. Wilmington.”

 

“That’s all I ask, bud,” the tall, mustached man wrote something down on the leaflet. “Okay, next on the agenda, you need to keep a diary of what you eat each day and when, or if, you puke.” Buck passed over a book and pen for him to use for that task. “Right, let’s make a list of ten foods that you feel happy eating. We also need to get you back into a pattern of three meals a day. No nibbling, or bingeing, in between.”

 

Buck found a piece of paper and waited patiently for Ezra to answer him.

 

The undercover agent just looked uncomfortable as he shrugged in indecision. He really didn’t know what he would like to eat. At the moment, everything he ate made him feel sick.

 

Buck wasn’t really sure what to suggest either, so he consulted his leaflets once more and then pursed his lips questioningly. “Well, how about pasta or a baked potato with a filling of some kind? Can you manage something like that?”

 

Ezra considered the options for a minute and then nodded before adding a few more preferences. Perhaps he could handle those sorts of things more readily than something heavier on the stomach.

 

“Great, let’s go shopping then. Need to stock up a bit, I reckon.”

 

Buck collected some money, his truck keys and the shopping list. He then drove Ezra to a nearby store and bought all the supplies that they needed. Ezra spent the time just wandering along behind his friend as he filled the shopping cart. His mind was full of how he was going to cope and what the future held for him. He certainly couldn’t concentrate on the task in hand even though Buck tried to get him to help.

 

After unpacking the goods at home, Buck looked at his watch and asked, “What do you want to eat for lunch? We’ll start in earnest on your new eating plan tomorrow.”

 

“Can I have soup and bread again, please?”

 

Buck sighed inwardly but nodded. He’d hoped the man would be a bit more adventurous, but then, at least he was eating reasonable amounts of food and not bingeing. That had to be a good thing. Buck realized that they were just going to have to take things one day at a time. “I’ll make it. You lay the table, will ya?”

 

Ezra looked at Buck incredulously. “Since when did you sit up to the table properly to eat?”

 

“Since I read these,” Buck said as he indicated the leaflets on the table.

 

“I hope you are not going to turn into an eating disorder nerd or guru, Mr. Wilmington,” Ezra said with a grin.

 

“If I am, it’s all for your benefit, pard,” Buck replied seriously.

 

That comment sobered Ezra up quickly. He knew he was asking an awful lot of his friend. It was a lot to ask of anyone. “I know, and I truly appreciate you being my co-therapist. It means the world to me.”

 

Buck smiled and went to the kitchen while Ezra laid the table. The ladies’ man returned to find table cloth, place mats and serviettes arranged neatly on the table.

 

“Hey, looks great, Ez. There ya go. Tuck in.”

 

They’d just finished eating when there was a knock at the door. Buck stood up as he looked at his watch. He wanted to take note of the time so that if Ezra did throw up later, he would have some idea how long after eating it had happened. Even though Ezra hadn’t binged, he wanted to be prepared for every eventuality seeing as Ezra was prone to be sick at any time, not just when eating large amounts. The ladies’ man then continued on his way to answer the door and found it was Josiah.

 

“Am I interrupting?” the profiler asked.

 

“No, come on in, pard. We’ve just finished eating,” Buck said as he stepped back to allow Josiah entrance.

 

The profiler wandered through to the living room. He saw Ezra clearing the table and moved to help. “Hey, Ez. Buck taking good care of you?”

 

“Yes, thank you.”

 

Josiah looked at Buck to involve him in the conversation. “The guys are going out for a meal tomorrow and they wanted to know if you cared to come along.”

 

“Thanks, big guy,” Buck said as he patted the man’s back. “I reckon we’ll give it a miss, though. We have some work of our own to do before Ez is up to eating out again. We’re gonna start our eating plan tomorrow and see how things go.”

 

The meal had really just been an excuse for Josiah to visit. He’d wanted to see with his own eyes how Ezra was faring. “I understand. Seeing as I’m here, you boys up for a game of poker? I ain’t played for ages.”

 

“That would be very pleasant. I’ve missed our companionable games, Mr. Sanchez. Haven’t been in the mood lately.”

 

Ezra took charge of the deck and dealt a hand each. The game progressed, with each player betting, folding, winning or losing. For once, Ezra wasn’t winning every hand.

 

The three men played for an hour and then Ezra started to fidget while looking increasingly anxious and upset. Buck had hoped that the card game would have distracted Ezra from feeling sick. It appeared, though, that was not the case.

 

“Excuse me,” Ezra mumbled and hurried to the bathroom.

 

“Damn good try in distracting him, Josiah, but it looks like it’s going to be a long hard journey,” Buck said before hurrying after his friend. “Ez? You okay?”

 

Ezra didn’t reply. The ladies’ man opened the door and pushed into the room. His friend was on his knees in front of the toilet, throwing up noisily. Buck squatted beside him and rubbed his back.

 

“I’m sorry,” Ezra mumbled. “It was nerves, not purging. I haven’t eaten enough for that.”

 

“I know, pard. I saw that you were looking like a caged lion. You can’t stop your feelings just like that and I don’t expect you to.” Buck gave his friend’s shoulder a squeeze. “Anyway, tomorrow is your start over day, so no worries.”

 

Ezra stood and immediately reached for his toothbrush. The taste in his mouth was vile and made him feel twice as bad. He was stopped though by a firm hand on his wrist. He looked up at his companion with a frown.

 

Buck shook his head and said gently, “No, Ez, don’t. Just wash your mouth round with some plain water.”

 

“Why?”

 

“Brushing your teeth just makes it worse according to the leaflet I was reading earlier. It rubs the acid in or something. Makes your teeth rot,” Buck said with a wince.

 

Ezra grimaced at that outcome. “Oh, well, seeing as you are turning into my guru, I’d better heed your advice.” He picked up a glass and filled it with water. He took a mouthful and then spat out the liquid when he’d washed his mouth thoroughly.

 

“Okay? Feel better?”

 

“No,” Ezra replied truthfully. The abominable taste in his mouth remained and he grimaced as he ran his tongue round his teeth.

 

“Come back out and join us.” Buck herded him back gently to meet up with their guest.

 

Josiah was waiting anxiously in the living room and he studied Ezra minutely on his return. “Ez?”

 

“I apologize, Mr. Sanchez. That was terribly rude.”

Josiah shook his head and patted Ezra’s back sympathetically. “No, it wasn’t, son. If there’s anything I can do, just give me a yell. All the guys send their best wishes and they’re all eager to help.”

 

“Thank you. I will see everyone tomorrow at work, I hope. I am at least allowed to do paperwork,” Ezra said, quite looking forward to the change of scenery.

 

“Look forward to seeing you, son.”

 

*******************************

 

The next morning, Buck and Ezra arrived at work. Ezra felt slightly embarrassed with it being the first time that he’d be seeing some of his friends since the revelations. He wondered how they really felt and were going to react. He needn’t have worried.

 

“Hey, Ez. Good to see you,” Vin greeted as he smiled in welcome.

 

“And you, Mr. Tanner.”

 

The rest of the team gathered round and took turns to say hello and put him at ease. Chris saw the undercover agent arrive and he walked to the door of his office and smiled. He watched the interaction between the men until Ezra looked his way.

 

“Hey, Ez. Can I have a word?” he asked as he beckoned the man forward.

 

“Of course, Mr. Larabee,” he replied in trepidation. He took a deep breath and walked to meet his boss. He wondered if he was going to be sent home again.

 

“Take a seat,” the blond said as he pointed to the couch. He shut the door and then sat beside his friend. “Travis has arranged a counselor to see you today. Until you come to terms with what happened with the Kilburn case, you can’t really start to recover. Your eating problem began after that, so you need to let out your feelings properly. I don’t reckon you can cure one thing without the other.”

 

“Yes, I know, but I will be discussing things with my therapist at the hospital. I’m not sure that I need to talk to more than one person,” Ezra objected, hating the thought of sharing his innermost thoughts again. It had been bad enough just talking to Nathan. “I’m going to be seeing the therapist twice a week as it is.”

 

“Do it this once and then see how you feel.” Chris nodded encouragingly and smiled. “Well, as you know, the doc has stood you down from active duty. We don’t wanna work without you in the field so we’ve volunteered for desk duty too. Travis is happy with that and we’ve got a lot happening right now. It should be just as rewarding.”

 

Ezra stared at Chris in disbelief. He couldn’t believe that the men would sacrifice so much just to support him. They usually hated desk duty. It was always seen as a demotion.

 

“I don’t know what to say, Mr. Larabee,” he spluttered in shock.

 

Chris smiled at Ezra’s reaction. “You don’t need to say anything. You know we hate working with any other undercover agent. They are never up to your standards, Ez.”

 

Ezra blushed in pleasure at the compliment. “So, what do you want me to do now?”

 

“Well, your appointment with the counselor is at ten, so you’d better head off to that now. We’ll find you a job when you get back.”

 

Ezra was met at the counselor’s office by a tall, middle-aged, kindly looking man. He led Ezra into the room and pointed to a comfy chair for him to sit in. The room was laid out like a living room in an attempt to make the patients feel at ease. There were a few small lamps scattered around that were switched on and gave the room a golden hue of soft light to create a gentle ambience.

 

Ezra sat down and rearranged the cushions on the seat at his back. He wriggled on the chair to get comfortable but didn’t settle. He felt terribly uptight as he wondered how the session would progress.

 

“Hello, Ezra. My name’s Dr. Mortimore, but you can call me Martin.” The man smiled and got straight down to business.  “Can you tell me how you feel about having counseling sessions? How are you feeling right at this moment?”

 

Ezra shrugged. “A bit apprehensive and worried.”

 

The man smiled and nodded. “Well, that’s to be expected. Let me tell you how this session will work and maybe that will help. Basically, it gives you an opportunity to talk through the problems that you’ve had recently. You can talk to me about whatever you need to. It doesn’t have to be just about your current predicament. Everything in life is linked, so if you want to talk about your home life then that’s fine, it’s all relevant.” Martin took a breath. “There may be times when there will be a bit of silence in the session. Use that time to evaluate the feelings that are produced by your memories at that precise moment, but talk to me about those feelings if you find that easier. I’m not here to judge you in any way, okay, I’m just here to help you find a solution to the problems you’re encountering. I’m not saying it will be easy or a quick fix, because I think you already realize that it won’t be.” Dr. Mortimore paused and smiled at Ezra to try and get him to relax. The undercover agent was sitting up straight and looked ready to bolt. The counselor tilted his head on one side and said, “These sessions are entirely confidential and anything you say to me will be kept just between us. If, however, you express desires to harm yourself in any way, I will take you to seek medical help straightaway.” Martin paused to allow those words to sink in for a few moments. “Now, is there anything you want to ask me?”

 

Ezra shook his head and clenched his fists. Millions of thoughts were rushing through his mind, but at too fast a rate to verify what any of them were.

 

“Okay, can you start by telling me the feelings you’ve been experiencing lately?”

 

Ezra wriggled in his chair and clenched his jaw. He flicked a look up at the counselor and then took a deep breath. He was already beginning to feel flustered and panicky. He really didn’t feel able to talk about what he’d been through.

 

“Take your time, Ezra. There’s no rush,” Martin said gently when he saw just how tense Ezra was.

 

Ezra could tell that Martin was a genuinely nice man. It didn’t make it any easier for him to talk to him, though. He still had the thought in the back of his mind that he would inevitably be judged.

 

Martin narrowed his eyes and studied Ezra quietly. “Let’s just start off with basic things, shall we? How long have you worked here?”

 

“Three years,” Ezra almost whispered.

 

“Do you have a partner who you can talk to about things between sessions? I mean a girlfriend, wife, or life partner?”

 

Ezra shook his head. These were the sort of times that he did feel lonely. There was no-one to greet him when he got home and that was what he wanted sometimes after a hard day at work.

 

“What about the people you work with? Is there anyone you can confide in, and when I say that, I mean really talk to?” Martin asked softly.

 

Ezra shrugged. “Yes, there is. Several people.”

 

“Good, I’m glad to hear that. Don’t ever hesitate to talk to them if you need to. They’ll understand what you’ve been through and as they know what job you do, it would be a help.”

 

Ezra whispered, “I don’t want to burden them.”

 

“I’m sure they wouldn’t see it as burdening them. I’m sure they’ll be only too happy to help you out,” Martin said. He knew Team 7 by reputation and was aware that they were a loyal, tight-knit team. If anyone could help Ezra through his current problem it was them.

 

“Okay let’s take things further. I need to know how you’ve been feeling. Have you been unhappy recently? If so, how has that affected you?”

 

Ezra knew he was going to have to answer the man truthfully. He had to admit that he found it easier being prompted with options to answer yes or no to, so he decided to speak. He sniffed and said softly, “Yes, I’ve been very unhappy.” He then felt able to continue now that he’d admitted that. “I’ve been feeling guilty, depressed and I’ve not been eating properly.”

 

“Not eating properly how?” Martin asked as he crossed his legs and looked kindly over the top of his spectacles at Ezra.

 

“I’ve been diagnosed with bulimia,” Ezra muttered as he twiddled his fingers nervously. He was usually such a talkative man, but he was finding this situation very difficult to deal with.

 

Martin nodded encouragingly. “Are you receiving help for that?” he asked.

 

“Yes.”

 

Dr. Mortimore nodded, realizing that Ezra needed to be cajoled into answering. Even if he answered in a monosyllabic way it was a start. Maybe after a while he would then relax enough to talk properly. If he asked open questions it might encourage Ezra to be a bit more forthcoming. “I’m glad to hear that. Have you got a co-therapist to help you?”

 

“Yes, a friend of mine,” Ezra replied fixing his gaze on a lamp in the corner and almost becoming hypnotized by it. He blinked after a few seconds and looked back down into his lap.

 

“It’s good that it’s someone you can trust. How do you feel that you are progressing with that?”

 

Ezra shrugged and took a shaky breath, his gaze still downcast. “I’ve only been diagnosed recently so I haven’t really made much progress.”

 

Martin nodded in understanding. “Okay, maybe we can talk about that at one of your next sessions when you’ve been trying for longer. I’m really pleased that you have been given the appropriate help, though. Hopefully between the sessions with your eating disorders counselor, and these sessions, you will feel your burden lifting.”

 

Ezra nodded, but he couldn’t see that talking to someone was going to improve his life at all.

 

Martin decided to raise the stakes a bit and try to get Ezra talking about what had prompted his depression in the first place. “Can you give me some of the details of the case you were working on that brought this all to a head? I need to hear the exact reasons for your depression.”

 

This was the part Ezra’d been dreading, but now the session was under way, he desperately felt the need to talk. He’d been living with his burden for so long he knew he couldn’t keep it in much longer. It seemed better to talk to Martin than to one of his colleagues. This was his time, his space and he knew he should take advantage of it.

 

“It dealt with child pornography,” Ezra said quietly as he fidgeted non-stop in his chair. He knew things were going to get worse before they got better now. There was no going back now that he’d started.

 

“In what way?”

 

“Filming children,” Ezra stuttered as images began to assault him. The little boy that had haunted him since the case ended came into his mind and he was crying pitifully.

 

“I see. Were you the one filming?”

 

Ezra swallowed as his eyes welled up with tears. “Sometimes,” he croaked as he felt the tears trickle down his cheeks.

 

Dr. Mortimore leaned over and held out a box of tissues. He leaned over further and laid a hand over Ezra’s and gave him an encouraging squeeze. “Take your time, Ezra. It must have been a very traumatic experience for you and I know how hard this is for you.”

 

Ezra took a handful of tissues and wiped his eyes before blowing his nose. He then sat quietly just staring into his lap as tears continued to drip from his eyes. His heart was beating twice as fast as normal and he felt increasing anxious.

 

“How are you feeling right now?”

 

Ezra shrugged as he tried to focus on the question. “Upset, guilty, worried.”

 

“Why worried?”

 

“What you’ll think of me.”

 

Martin tilted his head on one side. “As I said before, I am not here to judge you. Your job isn’t something where you can pick and choose what you do. You had no choice but do as you were told. You didn’t enjoy doing it and it has deeply upset you. That tells me that you are a very sensitive person where children are concerned. Would you agree with that?”

 

Ezra nodded and flicked a brief looked up at Dr. Mortimore. “Yes, I’m very fond of children and I found this case terribly hard to get through.”

 

The counselor nodded in understanding. He let Ezra have a moment or two to compose himself and then asked, “How did you feel when it was over?”

 

“As I said before, guilty. I wasn’t relieved that it was over, I just felt numb.”

 

Ezra spent an upsetting hour with Dr. Mortimore. Going over the events of the Kilburn case brought everything back to the surface again. He continued to feel panicky, trapped, upset and highly unsettled throughout the whole session. Nothing Dr. Mortimore did helped to calm him down at all.

 

The session finally came to an end and Ezra was glad to get out of the claustrophobic room. He headed straight to the restroom where he splashed his face with water and leaned over the sink as he tried to get his emotions under control. The visions of the little boy had stayed with him throughout the session and had almost been there accusing Ezra of something. Being soft, cowardly, or whatever and he’d found it highly unsettling and upsetting.

 

Nathan barged into the room and frowned worriedly. Chris had just received a call from the counselor, saying to keep an eye on Ezra because he’d become so upset during his session. When he hadn’t come back to the office, the agents had split up to look for him.

 

“Ez? Talk to me. What’s wrong?” the medic asked as he moved to stand beside his friend.

 

“Nothing,” Ezra said shakily as he wiped his mouth. He really wanted to be on his own at the moment. He hated to be seen in such a state.

 

“Your session was hard,” Nathan stated in understanding.

 

Ezra nodded and put a hand to his eyes. He was not going to give into tears now.

 

Nathan rubbed his friend’s back in comfort, feeling him trembling. “Would you rather go home? You don’t have to stay if you don’t feel up to it.”

 

“No, no, I’ll be all right. Just need to compose myself.”

 

“Okay, take your time. Go outside for some fresh air, because you need to relax and come to terms with what you've just done. The work will still be there when you get back,” Nathan said kindly, realizing Ezra’s need for some space.

 

Nathan patted Ezra’s shoulder and then left. He headed straight to see Chris who had stayed in the office in case Ezra had come back there. The medic explained that they were going to have to treat Ezra with kid gloves when he reappeared.

 

“He’s real fragile, but he refused to go home. He just need some time to himself to come to terms with what he’s just been through, the memories he’s recalled,” Nathan explained as he stood in front of the blond’s desk.

 

“He’ll be okay on his own?” the blond asked anxiously.

 

“Yes, I think so. After a counseling session of that magnitude you need the space to evaluate what you’ve said. I’m sure he’ll be fine, in a manner of speaking,” Nathan assured as he turned to head back to his own desk.

 

Ezra stayed in the rest room for another five minutes and then went outside to walk around the block a couple of times. He was glad that Nathan had suggested that he took some time to himself. He still felt shaky, upset and very jumbled emotionally. Having the fresh air and solitude was giving him the resources to think things through a bit. The session with the counselor was one of the hardest things he’d ever had to do. To be stripped so bare in front of a stranger was something that had been harrowing. He’d cried nearly all the way through the session, but he felt that was possibly now a positive thing. He felt slightly lighter in his mind, as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders, as the old cliché went. He’d been holding in his terrible feelings for so long it had been good to finally let go, even though the sound of himself sobbing hysterically was not something he would like to hear again.

 

He continued on his stroll and stopped off at a diner where he nursed a cup of tea at a corner table for half an hour. He spent the time people-watching, letting his mind drift to try and calm his rattled nerves. He then ambled back to the office, feeling a bit more settled. He took his seat and switched on the computer, not looking at any of his friends.

 

Chris exited his office and moved to stand beside the man. He leaned down and put a file in front of him. “Ezra? Can you work on this for me? Need it by five.”

 

“It will be done, Mr. Larabee,” Ezra agreed, glad that his boss had not asked about his session.

 

Chris patted Ezra’s shoulder, giving it a brief squeeze, before leaving the man to work.  Ezra opened the file and read the contents as he listened to the hushed voices of his colleagues. He didn’t participate in the conversation, but concentrated totally on his task. It was good to have something else to think about, if only for a short time. He finished an hour before the deadline and took the completed file back to Chris.

 

The blond beckoned him into his office and motioned for him to close the door. “Thanks, Ez,” Chris said as he flicked through the pages to check the state of the man’s work. It appeared to be up to his usual standard, which was amazing in the circumstances.

 

Chris then looked up at his agent. “Anything you wanna talk about? You know my door’s always open.”

 

“I appreciate the offer, but I think I’d prefer just talking to the professionals at the moment. It’s hard enough confiding in them, to be honest. I want to try and keep my current job separate from the past, if you understand. I think I will keep up with the session with the counselor here, too, so that should be more than enough.”

 

“Sure, but if you ever change your mind, I’ll be here.”

 

“I know. Thank you,” Ezra said as he rose and left. He went to stand beside JD.

 

The young agent looked up and smiled. “Hey, Ez. Settled in all right at the loft?”

 

“After tidying your room, yes. I don’t know how you can live in such disarray.” Ezra smiled. “I wanted to thank you for allowing me to take over your room. I hope it won’t be long term.”

 

JD reached out and squeezed Ezra’s arm. “Stay as long as you need to. I’m real happy out with Chris. I get to play with the dog and go riding whenever I like. I could live there permanently ‘cause it’s a pretty cool life. I don’t even miss town.”

 

Ezra relaxed when he heard the genuine pleasure in the tone of JD’s voice. He knew it must be hard to be forced out of his home, but he seemed to have settled into ranch life like a natural. That eased Ezra’s mind no end. “Glad to hear it, but if you ever get homesick, please let me know. I can always sleep on the couch or go home.”

JD shook his head forcefully, remembering his conversation with Vin. “Not until you’re better you’re not. Don’t worry about it. I’m happy where I am and I can stay as long as I need to. I might pop in from time to time to pick up some clothes so I won’t be staying away all the time.”

 

Ezra nodded and then said tentatively, “Maybe we could have a video evening, you, me and Buck.”

 

JD seemed very eager at the suggestion. “That’s great. I’ll stop by Blockbuster one evening and check out what’s new on DVD.”

 

“I’ll look forward to it.”

 

******************************************

 

Ezra ate a meal with Buck that evening and seemed to be coping very well after his stressful day. Buck went upstairs to check his personal emails and Ezra took the opportunity to eat some more. He stepped quietly into the kitchen and opened a few closet doors surreptitiously to see what was on offer. He found several packets of cookies and some chocolate and took them back to the living room to devour. Even though the meal he’d just had was filling, he just had to eat some more. He’d visualized packets of food on the shelves in the closets and it was as if they were calling to him to eat them. He could resist their call no longer. He even went back for more. He found some potato chips and some cake and he took those with him too. He devoured a good proportion of all the packets for comfort and then shoved them down the side of the furniture when he heard Buck coming

 

“Okay, Ez?” the ladies’ man asked when he saw Ezra perched a bit uncomfortably on the couch. He looked guilty and Buck couldn’t work out why. “Ez?”

 

“Yes, thank you,” Ezra said as he turned red in embarrassment. “I think I’ll head to bed. It’s been a tiring day.”

 

“Have you filled in your diary?”

 

“I’ll do it in bed,” Ezra said, wanting to get out of his friend’s company before he discovered what he’d just done.

 

“Okay, but give me a yell if you want anything.”

 

Buck took a seat on the couch and settled back to read a magazine. Ezra took his diary with him and sat up in bed writing down what he’d eaten and any thoughts that he’d had during the day. He was truthful in his diary about what he had eaten. He knew he had to be. He would only ever share the contents of the book with his counselor and he knew that it was no good lying to him if he wanted to get better. Lying to Buck was totally different, though, for some reason. He knew he should have owned up to eating more, but he just hadn’t been able to. Whether he’d been embarrassed at his lack of control he didn’t know, but he’d kept his lips well and truly sealed.

 

The guilty feelings played on his mind so he eventually went to the bathroom an hour and a half later and was in there ages. The ladies’ man frowned and decided to go and see if his friend was all right when he didn’t emerge. He listened discreetly for a while outside before knocking the door.

 

“Ez? Can I come in?”

 

“No, I’m all right,” the shaky reply came.

 

Buck ignored his friend’s instructions and opened the door. Ezra was on his knees in front of the toilet and it was obvious what he had been doing.

 

“Ez?”

 

“I’m so sorry.”

 

Buck wandered over and knelt down beside his friend. He could see that two of the man’s fingers were wet and he knew they just been down his throat forcing him to vomit.

 

“What can I do to help?” he asked worriedly.

 

“Nothing,” Ezra mumbled unhappily as he stood up to wash his face and hands.

 

“Well, you lasted for over two hours since your meal, so that’s an improvement,” Buck said, trying to sound encouraging, unaware that Ezra had eaten since.

 

Ezra just nodded, still not admitting to his bingeing. He wouldn’t look at his friend and he just wanted to get out of the room and have some solitude.

 

“Do you think you can head to bed now?” Buck asked, detecting his friend’s need for some time alone.

 

Ezra shrugged. “I suppose so. I am sorry.”

 

“Don’t apologize, Ez. I know this isn’t easy for you and you have a pretty tough day to contend with today. I expect it was inevitable that this was gonna happen.” Buck escorted the man along to the room and watched him climb into bed. “See you tomorrow.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Buck went back to the living room and flopped down on the couch where Ezra had previously been sitting. He heard a rustling and crunching noise and he frowned. He felt down the side of the couch and pulled out the stashed food and a large pile of empty packets. He knew that he hadn’t put them there so it had to be Ezra.

 

“Oh, Ez. Why didn’t you tell me?” he mumbled to himself as he put his head in his hands. He really didn’t know whether he was going to be able to help Ezra or not. It was catching all his little tricks that was going to be the problem. Bulimia sufferers could be very sly.

 

“Lock it up, that’s the only way to try and control him.” Buck stood up and spent the next hour putting locks on all the cupboards in the kitchen. He looked in satisfaction at his work and nodded. “See if that stops you, Ez,” he said to himself.

 

*******************************************

 

Ezra wandered into the kitchen to join Buck the next morning and stopped dead in the middle of the room. He blinked and then frowned. He did a slow 360 degree turn around the room until he faced Buck once more. He looked at his friend and blushed forlornly.

 

“You found my stash?” he asked quietly, but slightly angrily.

 

Buck nodded as he crossed his arms over his chest. “Yes, so I’ve taken drastic measures. You can no longer eat anything other than what I give you, except from the fridge.”

 

Ezra looked very upset. He hated that a bit of his freedom had been taken away. He’d wanted to overcome his problems himself but now Buck was putting up barriers to force him down one road. He shuffled from foot to foot, not knowing what to say.

 

“You okay?” Buck asked, not able to read Ezra’s face.

 

“It’s just the locks. You’re pressuring me into behaving correctly and I don’t know if I can cope with that.”

 

Buck looked astonished, not having thought that he was doing anything except helping his friend. He took a moment to look at things from Ezra’s point of view. He eventually nodded and knew he would have been upset at what he’d done, too, in the same circumstances.

 

“I’m sorry, I thought I was helping,” he apologized, although he had no intention of taking the locks off.

 

“Maybe it will in the long run, it was just a bit of a shock that’s all. It angered me to start with,” Ezra said and then shrugged. “Perhaps you’ve done me a favor.”

 

“Don’t worry about it, Ez. I’ll do anything to make sure you stick to your eating plan and don’t binge. I can’t control you when you’re not with me, but all the guys are going to be told not to buy you anything extra and if they see you eating excessively they are to come get me.” Buck paused. “Now cereal and toast for breakfast, okay?”

 

“Yes, please,” Ezra said as he sat down at the table, his eyes downcast.

 

Buck studied his friend as he wondered if he’d really done the right thing with the locks. It had seemed the obvious solution to him, but now he wasn’t so sure. He’d see how things went. He could always take them off when he felt that Ezra was improving. Put a bit of temptation back in his path and see how he reacted.

 

“You okay to go to work? I can always call in,” he probed, wanting to get a genuine answer about how Ezra was feeling.

 

Ezra shook his head as he began to eat his breakfast. “No, it will do me good to concentrate on something else for a while,” he said between mouthfuls.

 

Buck nodded, pleased that his friend was happy to continue with everyday activities. “Okay, eat up and then we’ll go. I’ve made you sandwiches for lunch, so we can eat them together.”

 

“That sounds most agreeable. I’ll look forward to it.”

Ezra slowly ate his breakfast and then went to get dressed. Buck stayed outside the bathroom door while his friend was in there and he was satisfied that Ezra hadn’t purged.

 

**************************************

 

A couple of weeks passed and Buck slowly managed to get Ezra back into a routine of three meals a day. By eating with the man each day and eating the same things, he felt he was making real progress. Ezra’s purging had lessened to a certain degree although it had not stopped altogether. Even though Ezra wasn’t eating vast amounts of food every day he still needed to get rid of what he’d eaten. It had become such a habit for him that he was finding it hard to stop.

 

The following week at work, Buck came to a halt outside a supposedly empty office. He noticed a familiar figure inside and he opened the door quickly. He was distraught to see Ezra sitting inside, eating various packets of chocolate he’d got from the vending machine outside. Lots of already empty packets were scattered around the undercover agent and Buck knew he’d discovered his friend way too late.

 

“Ez? What the hell are you doing? You must have spent a fortune. Give them to me now,” Buck demanded, not able to help his anger.

 

Ezra looked as though he was going to refuse, but he handed them over meekly enough. He’d been unable to help himself. He’d resisted the machine’s temptation all week, but he had finally succumbed. He felt as if he had to eat and there was no stopping him.

 

Buck sighed in despair and snapped, “Jeez, Ez. I thought we had things sorted, that you weren’t going to do this again.”

 

“I’m sorry I just passed the machine and I had to have them. I’d already had lunch but I just needed something sweet.” Ezra felt like a naughty schoolboy who’d been caught out. He looked at his friend and saw that he looked very angry, and that fact upset him.

 

“Something sweet? One bar would have been enough not all this lot,” Buck ranted as he pointed at the food accusingly. “You must learn to limit your intake.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Ezra said as he stood and fidgeted in front of Buck worriedly.

 

The ladies’ man sighed again as he studied the tense man. “I’m sorry I shouted but I really thought we were making progress.”

 

“You have every right to be angry. I’ve tried so hard to stop bingeing, but it’s not as easy as it seems.” Ezra flicked an embarrassed look up at his friend and said in a slightly accusing manner, “I need to know that you are supporting me, though, and that you won’t chastise me when I lapse. I can’t cope with you being angry with me.”

 

“I know and I’m real sorry, pard.” Buck took the rebuke as it was intended, knowing he shouldn’t let his anger get the better of him. Ezra needed to feel comfortable with him, not to be worrying about how he was going to react in circumstances such as these. He decided it was time for a bit of positive feedback. “Well, it’s not all doom and gloom, Ez. You’ve stopped over-exercising, so that’s one step forward, pard. I’m real proud of you for that.”

 

Buck and Ezra had gone out every evening and enjoyed a sedate run together and Ezra didn’t seem to want to do any more. He’d liked having company on the run and he’d found that he’d enjoyed the light exercise much more than he thought he would. The fact that he was doing some exercise at all was all that seemed to count.

 

“You’d better go back to the office and I’ll join you in a minute. Will you be okay?” the ladies’ man asked gently.

 

“Yes, but I’d like some time to myself, I think,” Ezra said as he headed to the door, still smarting from Buck’s anger

 

Buck took a minute to compose himself after Ezra had gone. He sat in the chair Ezra had previously been occupying and did a few deep breathing exercises. He really felt the need to calm down properly before facing anyone else. It didn’t work as well as he’d hoped, though, so he decided to seek out someone to talk to instead. He went to find Josiah and discovered him in the rest room.

 

“Hey, Buck. You okay? You look upset,” the profiler observed as he stood washing his hands.

 

Buck nodded as he put his hands in his pockets and shuffled from foot to foot in agitation. “Can I talk to you about Ezra?”

“Sure you can, son. Let’s go into the conference room.”

Buck shook his head quickly and held out a hand. That was the last place that he wanted to go right now. “No, can we stay here? Ez is possibly in the office and I don’t want him to see us together.”

 

“Sure.” Josiah leaned back against one of the sinks and crossed his arms. He could see that his friend looked highly perturbed and he knew something significant had happened between the two men.

 

Buck shook his head as he ran his fingers through his hair shakily. “I just found him bingeing. He’s almost bought the whole supply of food from the vending machine and was working his way through it. He musta eaten most of it before I caught him, ‘cause there wasn’t much left.” Buck sighed loudly. “I don’t think he’s gonna get better, pard,” the ladies’ man said as an unashamed tear trickled down his cheek.

 

Josiah moved and put an arm round Buck’s shoulder. He gave him a squeeze and then patted his back encouragingly. “You can’t expect it all to be plain sailing. He’s bound to have the odd lapse. You’ve taken the temptation away at home, but he’s got free rein to buy what he likes here. Unless you’re gonna accompany him everywhere you’re not going to crack it.”

The ladies’ man stood up straight as he realized the truth in the words. “If that’s what it takes, then I’ll do it. I hate seeing him like this.” Buck thought back to one of the leaflets he’d been given by the therapist. He remembered something it said in there. “It said in the literature I got that he might relapse up to ten times during the first six months of his recovery. I shoulda been more prepared for it, but things have been going so well lately. I guess I was getting complacent.”

 

“Do you want me to talk to him?” the profiler asked.

 

Buck looked at his friend eagerly, feeling a bit of a traitor for wanting to take the big man up on his offer. “Would you? I’m just finding this all a bit hard to deal with.”

 

“I know it can’t be easy for you. It’s a big undertaking, but remember, we’re here to take some of the strain too. You okay now?”

 

Buck nodded unconvincingly and proceeded to splash some water on his face as if that would help. “Kinda. Thanks for listening, pard. I appreciate it.”

 

“You’re welcome.”

 

Josiah wandered to join Ezra, but found he wasn’t in the office anymore. He had to wait half an hour before the man returned and he wondered where he’d been. The man looked a bit windswept so the profiler assumed he’d been outside for a walk.

 

“Ez? Can I have a word in private?”

 

Ezra looked up in anguish but nodded before following Josiah into the conference room. He knew exactly what was going to be said.

 

“Buck told you, didn’t he?” Ezra said as soon as the door was closed.

 

“Yes, he did. He’s very concerned about you.” Josiah studied the smaller man. “Take a seat, son. We need to talk.” He waited until Ezra had settled on a chair. “Did you throw up after eating?” he asked seriously.

 

“No.” Ezra leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest.

 

Josiah narrowed his eyes. “Truthfully?”

 

“Yes, truthfully. I haven’t been near the rest room. I took a break and went outside for a stroll around the block. I didn’t feel like purging at all,” Ezra said, not taking offense at the query.

 

Josiah smiled encouragingly. He knew Ezra was not lying to him, but he’d had to verify things. “Well, that’s something real positive, son. That’s progress and no mistake.”

 

“Do you think so?” Ezra asked, his head on one side questioningly.

 

Josiah nodded and leaned forward to pat Ezra’s knee. “Well, it’s all part of the cycle and that’s one bit you’ve broken today. You ate a lot but you haven’t purged it.”

 

Ezra shrugged, but he couldn’t help the happy feeling that came over him when he realized the truth in Josiah’s words. *Perhaps I can break this cycle after all. Even if I eat a lot I can exercise in moderation to keep myself in trim. I needn’t act like I have been doing lately.*

 

“Is Buck really apoplectic?” he asked quietly as he thought about the man who was helping him through his current troubles. He hated that he’d upset him and made things hard.

 

Josiah shrugged. “He’s more upset than mad. He was hoping that you were making progress by not bingeing. He thinks he’s failed you in some way, but don’t you go starting to feel guilty about it,” Josiah said quickly, knowing that Ezra was likely to take it to heart. “We all know this isn’t going to be a quick fix and there are bound to be times when you fall down in your resolve. I think you’re doing real well so far and I’m sure you’ll be back on track again soon.”

 

********************************************

 

Buck accompanied Ezra to an extra appointment that Nathan had hastily made. The team thought he should see the therapist after such a big lapse.

 

Ezra hadn’t been waiting long when he was called through to see Dr. Barnett.

 

“Hello, Ezra. How have you been getting on?”

 

Ezra shrugged and turned red. “I was coping alright until yesterday. I binged and Buck was understandably angry with me.”

 

Dr. Barnett narrowed his eyes, not liking the sound of the emotions that Buck was experiencing. Anger would do no one any good, but he could understand how it could happen. He could definitely see that his patient had been badly affected by the episode anyway.

 

“Did you write about it in your diary?” the doctor asked kindly.

 

“Yes, but I didn’t write much,” Ezra said as he pulled his diary out and made to hand it over.

 

Dr. Barnett held up his hand negatively. “That doesn’t matter at all. Can you read it to me?”

 

Ezra nodded reluctantly and opened the diary at the appropriate page. He stayed silent for a few seconds as he psyched himself up for what he had to do. He knew it was only reading, but it was voicing his innermost thoughts and that was unsettling.

 

He cleared his throat and began speaking just loud enough for Dr. Barnett to hear. “I lapsed today, for the first time in a few days. I thought I was doing well, but the vending machine was one temptation too many. I tried to resist but I wasn’t strong enough. Even though I knew I’d done wrong it didn’t stop me. I even hid in an office so that no one would see what I was doing, but it didn’t help. Buck caught me eating what I’d purchased and I know that he is upset about the incident. I want so much to please him and I know that he is finding it hard to cope with this. I didn’t mean to upset him. I know I have let myself down as well as him, but it is so hard to try to get back to a normal life, whatever that is.” Ezra paused and then read the next paragraph. “One positive thing that came out of all this, though, was that I didn’t purge. I went running with Buck after work, but I wasn’t sick. Another thing that Buck pointed out was that I am now happy to just jog for a few miles rather than almost race run for much longer. That’s two good things that have happened this week.”

 

Dr Barnett smiled in encouragement. “Great, that really great. You’ve acknowledged your lapse but you’ve also found something good that’s come out of it.”

 

The session continued for another hour and at the end of it Ezra did feel much better. Dr. Barnett made him see that he couldn’t be expected to stop all his purging and bingeing straightaway. As long as he recognized the signs when he was going to lapse, he could go and seek help from Buck rather than giving in. He would be progressing by doing that, and that was what his co-therapist was for.  

 

Buck was waiting outside for him and he stood up as Ezra emerged.

 

“Mr. Wilmington? Could I have a word?” Dr. Barnett called before the two men could leave.

 

The ladies’ man nodded as he wondered why the man would want to see him. “You okay on your own, Ez?” he asked his friend.

 

“Yes, I’ll sit and wait here for you.”

 

Buck went into the office and took the offered seat. He crossed his long legs and waited to see what was going to be the topic of conversation.

 

Dr. Barnett took a few seconds to study the man. “How do you think you are coping as Ezra’s co-therapist?”

 

Buck winced, wondering if Ezra was having second thoughts about him. “All right until yesterday,” he admitted truthfully. “I know that I shouldn’t have got angry with him, but I was upset and let my feelings get the better of me. I suppose I was angry at me as well because I thought I’d failed him in some way.”

 

Dr. Barnett nodded. “You’ve taken on a very difficult job, but you need to keep a good friendly relationship with Ezra. You need to encourage that. I know you felt anger yesterday and it was hard not to express it, but it wasn’t the best approach in the circumstances. He’ll start hiding things from you if he’s going to begin worrying about how you’re going to react to what he does. He’s got enough on his plate without that on top.”

 

Buck nodded in agreement. He wasn’t offended with what the doctor was saying to him. He knew he’d reacted in the worst possible way to Ezra’s lapse and he didn’t mind being told that. He was learning as he went and sometimes he needed a bit of guidance, too.

 

“You know you can call me any time for advice or help?” Dr. Barnett said, hoping he hadn’t sounded too abrupt.

 

“Yes, I do, and I promise to never get angry with Ezra again. I saw how it affected him and I regret that very much.” Buck paused. “Next time, I’ll sympathize with him and make him see that it isn’t the end of the world, that there’s always another day ahead of him to get on top of things.”

 

Dr. Barnett nodded, pleased that Buck was already thinking of what to do the next time Ezra lapsed, for there would be a next time, there was no doubt about that.

 

He decided it was time for a bit of encouragement. “Well, from what Ezra told me he has made significant progress and he has you to thank for that. You are obviously offering some really helpful support to him and you should be proud of that. You just need to remember that you are there for support not to judge him.”

 

“I will.”

 

Dr. Barnett nodded in satisfaction and stood up, signaling an end to the conversation. “Good luck and stay in touch.”

 

“Thanks, doc.”

 

Buck went out to join Ezra. He beckoned the man with a tilt of his head and took a step toward the entrance. “Come on, pard, let’s get out of here.”

 

“Is everything all right?” Ezra asked worriedly, wondering what the two men had been talking about.

 

Buck came to a halt and turned to face his anxious friend. He put out a hand and patted his shoulder encouragingly.  “Yes, it’s fine. I just want to apologize about yesterday again. I want you to know that I’m here for you no matter what, that you can tell me anything and I’ll support you.”

 

“I knew that already, Mr. Wilmington.” Ezra looked down at the floor and then said, “We both lapsed yesterday, didn’t we, so let’s have another start-over day, shall we?”

 

Buck couldn’t help but grin at that “Yeah, that’d be good, pard. Wipe the slate clean and learn a lesson from our actions.”

 

Ezra smiled back and patted Buck’s back in thanks.

 

**************************************************

 

Chris saw Ezra arrive the next morning and he walked to meet him at his desk. He’d inevitably heard about what had happened recently and he was worried.

 

“Hey, Ez. Can I have a word in my office?”

 

Ezra looked around apprehensively at the rest of the team before nodding and rising to join his boss. He had a feeling he knew what was going to be discussed. He followed Chris through to his office and took a seat on the couch when he was offered it. Chris sat down next to him and smiled, trying to put the uptight man at ease.

 

“I just wanted to see how you’re getting on. Do you feel okay?” the blond asked as he studied his friend seriously.

 

“I’m managing, but I think you are aware that things have been a bit rocky recently.”

 

Chris nodded and reached out to pat Ezra’s shoulder in sympathy. “I know it has.” He paused and then asked, “Did your session with the counselor at the hospital go okay?”

 

Ezra nodded and shifted on the seat anxiously. “It was fine. He has a knack of making you feel better about things by the end of the session. I feel that I can carry on when I’ve been to see him. He makes my recovery sound possible, and that is something I have been struggling to believe.”

 

“I’m glad that he is having a positive effect on you.” Chris sat and contemplated what Ezra had just said. “Are you managing all right at work? You’re not finding it too stressful?”

 

Ezra looked at his boss, his friend, and saw the genuine concern in his eyes. “I admit there are times when I don’t really want to come in, but generally I look forward to it. It gives me something to concentrate on, which is what I need at the moment.” Ezra paused as a thought entered his head. “I have been operating to your satisfaction, haven’t I?”

 

“Yes, I’ve been amazed at how well you’ve coped, Ez, I’m proud of you.”

 

Ezra blushed and looked down at his hands.

 

Chris smiled. Ezra was never very good at taking a compliment. The blond patted his back again to try and relax him.

 

“If you ever do feel that things are getting too much for you here, come and talk to me straightaway. We can arrange for you to work part-time or whatever, it’s no problem. The last thing I want is for you to get worse because of work,” Chris said kindly. “That’s all I wanted to reiterate. Work, isn’t the be all and end all of life. Your health is much more important.” Chris held Ezra’s gaze to make him realize just how sincere he was being.

 

Ezra nodded gratefully. “Thank you, Chris. Thank you for your support.”

 

“That’s what I’m here for. Just remember that.”

 

Ezra smiled as he rose and left the office. He’d expected to be stood down from work but he was immensely pleased that Chris was backing him one hundred percent. That gave him a lot of confidence and he couldn’t help the warm feeling inside. He felt very lucky to have such an understanding boss and group of friends. Most people may have lost patience with him, but they had been nothing short of miraculous in their support of him.

 

**************************************************

 

The next week, Ezra sat outside his counselor’s room with Buck and watched the world go by while waiting for his appointment. He looked up and down the hallway and shivered. His skin came out in goose bumps and he quickly looked down into his lap.

 

“You all right, pard?” Buck asked as he feeling his friend trembling. He looked round but couldn’t see anything that would’ve upset the man.

 

“Yes, thank you,” Ezra whispered as he wiped his eyes, trying not to cry.

 

Buck couldn’t understand what had made Ezra behave in such a way.

 

He frowned and put a concerned hand on Ezra’s knee. “There’s something wrong. Tell me what’s up, bud.”

 

“Look at those poor girls,” Ezra said quietly as he indicated down the hallway. “They think that they’re fat, but they’re skeletal. It’s upsetting to see them.”

 

Buck looked discreetly where Ezra pointed and saw two stick-thin girls. They couldn’t have been more than fourteen and his heart tightened in his chest at the sight of them. “Least they’re seeking help, pard, which is more than some of them do. They’re in the best place,” he said encouragingly, seeking the positive from the situation.

 

Ezra nodded but still looked upset. He sniffed and then blew his nose on a hastily found handkerchief.

 

Buck looked over at his friend and sighed. “What kind of world do we live in that makes them think that only being thin can be beautiful? What’s wrong with being larger? It’s all down to the media and the images these young girls see every day in magazines, I reckon.”

 

“I’m sure there are deeper psychological reasons as well that contribute to their predicament,” Ezra said quietly. “I agree that the media has a lot to do with people’s perception of image, though.”

 

Buck sighed. “Well, unless you can change the attitude of the whole world, it’s something we’ve unfortunately got to live with.”

 

Ezra nodded unhappily, keeping his gaze downward.

 

A door nearby opened and the sound of footsteps drew nearer to the two men. Dr. Barnett had arrived but he could see that all was not well.

 

“Ezra?” Dr. Barnett said as he studied his patient. “Hello, nice to see you. Are you all right?”

 

“Yes, thank you,” Ezra said as he stood and following the counselor into his office

 

“Take a seat and tell me what’s on your mind. There’s obviously something unsettling you.”

 

Ezra remained silent for a few minutes as he fidgeted on the chair. “I saw two young girls out there and their appearance upset me. They were so thin that they could hardly stand.”

 

Dr. Barnett nodded and spent the rest of the session talking to Ezra in general terms about what treatment the girls would receive before going on to discuss Ezra’s needs. Even though the images remained with Ezra, knowing he wasn’t alone really boosted his confidence. He hadn’t seen many other sufferers during his appointments and he’d felt quite lonely. Now that had changed.

 

Dr. Barnett smiled and stood up. “I’ve arranged for a few medical tests for today as well, just to monitor your overall health. Are you up for that?”

 

Ezra nodded and stood as well. He followed the man out of the back door of the office and found himself in a small waiting room. A doctor was already there waiting for him.

 

The dark-haired man smiled and stepped forward with one arm outstretched for guidance. “Hello, Mr. Standish, I’m Doctor Manning. If you’ll come into my office, we’ll get started. It shouldn’t take long.”

 

Ezra went where he was told and took a seat in the office feeling rather nervous. He hated anything to do with hospitals, and tests in particular freaked him out. He always assumed the worst.

 

“Can you change into this gown? It just makes everything easier,” Dr. Manning asked as he handed over a robe.

 

Ezra took it and went behind the screen to change. He folded his clothes neatly, taking his time, hoping to put off the inevitable. Finally, he could put it off no longer, so he stepped out into the open.

 

“Let’s start by weighing you. Why don’t you hop on the scales?” the young doctor said kindly as he pointed to the piece of equipment in the corner of the room.

 

Ezra walked to the scales and stepped on, automatically looking to see the reading. Dr. Manning looked too and noted the figure down on Ezra’s chart.

 

“Why don’t you lay down on the bed now and we’ll do a few other tests.”

 

Ezra went to the bed and sat on the edge before easing himself down so he was in a semi-reclined position.

 

There then followed a series of blood tests and monitoring of bodily functions including heart and urine.

 

“Well, you seem to be getting on okay, although your blood pressure is a bit high. Your weight’s good, you’ll be pleased to hear, and your heart’s beating away like a good ‘un. The other test results will be back in the next few days, but I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. I’ll call you when I get them back,” the doctor said, trying to ease the fear he saw on Ezra’s face. “How do you feel in yourself?”

 

The undercover agent shrugged. “I have good and bad days, but I feel better than I did at the beginning of all this,” Ezra admitted as he disappeared behind the screen to get changed.

 

“Well, you can’t expect to feel well all the time. You’ve been through a tough time. Try not to feel too downhearted when you’re having one of your bad days, though. Just remember that it’s entirely natural and that a good day is bound to follow close behind. Eventually you will have more good days than bad.”

 

Once Ezra was dressed again, the doctor walked to the door and opened it for him. “I expect I’ll see you again sometime,” Dr. Manning said with a smile. 

 

“Thank you, doctor.”

 

Ezra shook the man’s hand and then went off in search of Buck. He would be glad to get home. It had been rather a stressful few hours.

 

**************************************

 

Buck woke and lay frowning in the darkness. Something had woken him, but as yet he didn’t know what. He shifted on the mattress and cursed as he missed hearing the sound repeated because of the rustling. He climbed out of bed and went to the door to listen instead. Finally he detected the sound of soft footsteps wandering about downstairs. He sighed and made his way to the living room to see what was going on. He found Ezra ambling around aimlessly in pajamas and bare feet.

 

“Ez? You okay?” he asked as he rubbed his eyes to wake himself up. He then ran his fingers through his hair and stepped off the last stair to join his friend.

 

Ezra looked up at his companion and shrugged. “Can’t sleep for thinking about those girls I saw today. I’m sorry to disturb you. I tried to be quiet.”

 

“I’ve got ears that can pick up a flea farting at fifty paces, pard.”

Ezra laughed.

 

“Can I get you anything?” the ladies’ man asked.

 

Ezra shook his head and perched on the arm of the nearest chair. He just felt very unsettled and his stomach was tying itself in ever tighter knots. “No, thank you.”

 

“Do ya wanna talk?”

 

Ezra shrugged and wrung his hands anxiously. “I just can’t get the images of those anorexic girls out of my mind. It’s made me realize how very destructive an eating disorder can be. Seeing them in the flesh is far worse than in pictures on the TV. I don’t want to be sucked into a never-ending whirlpool of purging. It has made me very determined to overcome my problem. I know I’ve had bulimia and not anorexia, but it all has the same effect on you. The secrecy alone was a killer.” Ezra paused. “Dr. Barnett said I could damage my oesophagus if I continued purging like I was. I don’t want to ruin my body, or carry on living the way I have been over the last few months. I hate it.”

 

“Well, I’m glad to hear that, pard. You need to have real positive thoughts if you are going to overcome your eating disorder.”

 

“From tomorrow I want to try even harder. Get back to the three meals a day and eat then and only then.”

 

“Great. I’ll be with you every step of the way.” Buck smiled encouragingly, hoping Ezra had turned the corner and would now beat his bulimia. “Okay to head to bed, then?”

 

“I’ll try to reach the land of nod in a moment. I just want a bit more time to contemplate life.”

 

Buck hesitated but finally nodded and headed back upstairs.

 

Ezra visited the bathroom and then went to his own room. He got back into bed and lay staring at the ceiling. His resolve had certainly shifted over the past twenty-four hours, but even so he knew it wasn’t going to be easy to beat his problem. He turned over with a sigh, closed his eyes and dreamed of having a straightforward life.

 

***********************************

 

Working to the plans that they had made, Ezra made sure and steady progress. He still visited both counselors at least twice a week but seemed to be coming to terms with his feelings.

 

Another month had passed and Buck was certainly pleased with Ezra’s progress and he wanted to set him a test. When they got home from work that day, he asked, “Do you want to go out for a meal with the guys tonight?”

 

Ezra contemplated the question. He knew it was time for him to venture into the world again, but he found the prospect daunting. “Yes, I think I’d like that,” he replied in trepidation.

 

“Okay, get ready then. They’re meeting up early at The Saloon.”

 

The two men changed their clothes and set off to meet their friends an hour later. Ezra walked into The Saloon and found that it was a jazz evening. He couldn’t help smiling. Jazz was his favorite music and it did wonders for his state of mind. He looked around The Saloon, waved at Inez, and had a sense that he was home. It was a good feeling.

 

He accompanied Buck to where the rest of the men were sitting and he saluted in greeting.

 

“Hey, Ez, Glad you could join us,” Chris said. He pulled out a chair next to him and indicated for Ezra to sit down. “Picked a good evening, didn’t we?”

 

Ezra nodded and smiled as he lowered himself down onto the seat. “My favorite music and good company. It must be fate.”

 

*No, just good planning,* Buck thought to himself as he exchanged amused glances with Chris. Inez had told Chris the previous week that she had organized a jazz evening, and the plan for the night out had grown from that.

 

“What do you want to drink?” Josiah asked as he stood up, hand in pocket clinking his loose change.

 

“Just a fruit juice, please. Any flavour will do. Make it a surprise,” Ezra said with a grin. He was really feeling upbeat now and he knew it was the change of scenery. The lively atmosphere of the bar was definitely a boon, it was really swinging.

 

Ezra scanned the menu while the profiler had gone on his errand, and he made his choice. He chose something simple and not too heavy. He didn’t want to be too ambitious seeing as it was his first meal out for a long time.

 

Inez came over to the table a few minutes later and smiled warmly at Ezra. “Good evening, Senor Standish. It is a pleasure to see you.”

 

“And you, Senorita. It’s been too long.”

 

“What do you want to eat, gentlemen?” she asked as she looked at Chris expectantly.

 

The blond smiled and looked at Ezra. “What are you having, Ezra?” he asked.

 

Ezra said what he wanted and then sat back, waiting for the others to list their choices.

 

“We’ll all have what he’s having,” Chris said instead, speaking for the group.

 

“You don’t have to have what I want,” Ezra said in confusion as he watched Inez walk away.

 

“We want to. It’s all part of your recovery strategy. Buck filled us in earlier,” Chris said as he patted the ladies’ man’s shoulder before lighting a cigarette.

 

“Yeah, it says in those leaflets of yours that it’s a good thing if everyone you go out with has the same. Can’t remember the reason now, but it obviously works,” Buck said, as he smiled encouragingly at Ezra. He was really hoping that the man could cope with the pressure of the evening. It would be a dreadful thing if it was to make him take a step backward rather than forward.

 

Ezra looked round the group and made eye contact with each man. “Well, thank you then. I hope we all enjoy my choice.”

 

The men sat back and allowed Ezra to enjoy the music that was currently playing. They talked amongst themselves and realized just how much they’d missed their friend’s company.

 

The meals arrived half an hour later and the men began to eat. Ezra was a bit uncomfortable to start with, thinking that his friends were monitoring him, but he looked round the table and saw they weren’t looking at him at all. He slowly relaxed and just took his time enjoying his food. He took pleasure in each mouthful, just savouring the taste and texture.

 

Once they’d all finished, they ordered some more drinks and took pleasure in being together again. Not since the discovery of Ezra’s problem had they been out as a group. Although they’d been together at work, it somehow wasn’t the same as going out in leisure time.

 

“Feel okay, Ez?” Chris asked as he looked at his friend kindly.

 

“Yes, thank you. I’m glad I came. It has been most enjoyable.”

 

Chris smiled in genuine pleasure. He could really see that Ezra was having fun. He had a sparkle in his eye that had been missing for far too long. “Yeah, it has, hasn’t it? Maybe we can do it again soon.”

 

Ezra sat and tapped his foot in time to the current tune that was being played. “I will look forward to it. I feel as though I’ve been out of circulation for ages – well I have. It’s been nice to spread my wings again. Thank you for your company tonight, gentlemen,” the man said as he turned and applauded the live band when it came to a halt.

 

The evening came to an end soon after and Buck and Ezra headed home to the loft.

 

“Did you really enjoy yourself, pard? Sure looked as though you did,” Buck observed as he escorted his friend to the front door of the condo.

 

“I really did. Thank you for suggesting it. It was good for you to have a break as well. We’ve sorta been cocooned in here for too long, haven’t we?”

 

“Yeah, but it was for a good cause.” Buck studied his friend and thought he looked a bit tired. “Why don’t you head off to bed? You’ve had a bit more excitement than you’ve been used to lately.”

 

Ezra nodded and smiled. He felt exhausted all of a sudden and he looked at his watch. He saw that it was nearly midnight and he couldn’t believe it. He hadn’t been out that late for a long time, but the hours had rushed by. “See you in the morning,” he said as he patted Buck’s back in thanks.

 

Ezra had a shower and set off to bed. Buck wasn’t far behind the undercover agent in going to his room. He didn’t sleep at all, though. He lay and listened in the dark, but he didn’t hear Ezra stir all night.

 

“Hey, pard. Everything okay?” he asked the next morning when Ezra appeared in the kitchen, looking slightly disheveled.

 

Ezra grinned broadly. “I feel very pleased with myself. I went out, had a lovely meal and I didn’t once think of purging.”

 

Buck stepped forward and enveloped the smaller man in his arms. “I think we’re finally starting to win, pard,” he whispered in Ezra’s ear.

 

“I do believe we are, and it feels great.”

 

******************************************

 

Three months later

 

“Hey, Ez. How ya doin’?” Vin asked as he passed the man in the hallway at work.

 

“I’m fine, thank you. Although I think it will still take quite some time before I feel at ease with myself again, I think I am improving. My eating habits have certainly almost reverted back to normal since I’ve been staying with Mr. Wilmington. It’s times such as this that a person appreciates their friends. I would never have managed without all your support.”

 

“That’s what friends are for, pard.”

 

The End