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| Emergency Procedure | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| It is imperative that all viewers of this site be prepared for the unlikely eventuality of control of the web page being lost. Although we pray and hope that it never comes to pass the only way to ensure safety in this event is to familiarise these simple instructions and procedures. Conduct regular drills with your family to ensure you will be ready should the unthinkable happen. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 1. Do not panic. Keep a cool clear head at all times to ensure your survival. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 2. Unplug your family toaster. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 3.Play Metallica as loud as possible on the nearest CD player. Preferrably Master of Puppets although in emergencies you may have to do with the Black album. If Metallica is unavailable, Perry Como is the next best thing. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 4. Eat a dinner plate sized portion of baked beans. Heinz spagetti hoops may be used as a substitute. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 5. Turn all of the pictures on your walls to face the wall. This is especially vital in art galleries | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 6. Pour all of the milk in your fridge down the sink. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 7. Duck and cover. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 8. Burn the nearest newspaper. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 9. Ensure hamsters are safely stored in a blazer or shirt pocket. Gerbils are to be stored in teacups, mice in old VHS boxes. Voles are to be left to their fates. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 10. Hide your cheese. | ||||||||||||||||||||||
| 11. Don't mention the war or Sweden. | ||||||||||||||||||||||