| Homer Simpson: "Well kids, you tried your best...and failed miserably. The lesson is, never try." "Trying is the first step toward failure." "We'll have to make some changes. Bart, you're the new man of the house. Lisa, you're promoted to boy..." "I can tolerate the abuse of your family members, but I will not stand idly by while you feed a hungry dog!" "Oh, I want to be in that number...when the Saints go over there. Oh over there!" "Watching stuff is much better than doing stuff." My Dad (To Me): He works with primarily white guys, that happen to be excessively stupid. He often regails me with tales of their ineptitude. One of the more recent ones included the following: "...So I sez to the guy, 'You're makin me hate white people too!'" We were driving around, and oddly, he was at the wheel. We stop well before a stoplight to let a nice, African-American gentleman out. My dad, with his colorful commentary: "See that? he had his right blinker on, and now that I let him go, he's gonna be a fuckin n----- and go left!" (Note: I really hate the n-word, so I didn't print it, but rest assured, he said it.) When I decided to not go to school one morning, and I'm still sleeping in bed: "Hey, fucker! Get your ass up!" I say: You know, technically, you can't turn left here. "Technically... [insert sound of cracking a beer]...this is drinking and driving." "If 'ifs' and 'buts' were candy and nuts, everyday would be fucking Christmas." "You ass!...Hole!" "You dumb fucking ass, you don't know shit until I tell you...so shut the fuck up." "You're such a....dick!" "I'm nice to everybody...except stupid people...and minorities...and you...you don't count." "Cry me a river, build me a bridge, and shut the fuck up." "I'm so pissed, you could fry eggs on my nuts!" "Da Pirelli tire...dey go troo rain, dey go troo snow, but when dey go flat, dey go 'wop, wop, wop.'" (When I told him I was accepted to USC) "You were not...shut the fuck up." |