| Gino Stolfa�either you know him or you�re a loser. If you are one of those underprivileged souls not fortunate enough to make his acquaintance, well, as Mr. T said so vociferously: �I pity da fool.� As you may have deduced, Gino is a producto di Italia, as am I, to a lesser degree. Let�s not delve into ethnicity-based stereotypes here, although he persuasively portrayed �Gino the Wop� as part of Halloween festivities, he is not a wop, dago, guinea, or any other type of greaseball, but he does enjoy his occasional pasta fagioli. Who doesn�t? Gino is, however, the epitome of cool. He doesn�t care what you think of him, and doesn�t put extra effort toward anything. He�d be the one to invent an alternative to walking and talking were it not for the energy spent on thinking. The only thing he seems to care about is getting laid, and I hear he�s available, ladies. Don�t bother if you�re not hot though. Gino even ran for class President. That may sound nerdy to you, but he could have people beat you. That�s the way it works in those goombah family circles. I hear Gino�s middle name is Gotti� Most cool famous people are of Italian descent, most notably, umm...Marisa Tomei, Frank Stallone, Abe Vigoda, Amerigo Vespucci, and a host of others. There is one, however, that has hitherto beeen unrivaled in coolness and libido. I speak of course of Arthur Fonzarelli, commonly known as �The Fonz�. Gino is today�s Fonz, the zenith of cool. He even has a leather jacket, and he drives the car equivalent of a Harley: a Ford Probe, with very little rust, mind you. Gino captivates all with his simple �Hey Guys� with a finger point, as he deftly expands on the Fonz�s simplistic �Ayyyy� with two thumbs up. What can�t this guy do? Gino�s only shortcoming is not his fault, Hell, it�s not even his problem, per se. You see, Gino has a brother, Bob, who is homosexual. Gino is much more accepting of Bob�s flamboyant lifestyle than you or I could ever be. I mean, Gino lives with him AND drove him to and from school everyday. That takes resolve. In conclusion, Gino is awesome. If you see him on the street or in the hallway, should you happen to attend Clarkson University, just give him a hug. Unless you�re ugly, or a guy. He�s in the market for a girlfriend, or just an occasional sex object, and I hear that he�s better in the sack than Ron Jeremy and John C. Holmes combined� |
| Gino Stolfa: a Credit to Humanity |