| I Quit� By Lucas Heffer The title of this article may strike you as an odd band name or song title, but I assure you that, to my knowledge, it is neither. It is, simply stated, the literal declaration of my resignation from the Observer staff. It is my understanding that I have enthralled many of you to the point that my critiques are the only pieces to which you allocate attention, and that is intolerable. Rumors have been spreading that I have been censored into more insipid writing, and, while my cynical flare has attracted some unwanted attention and criticism, that is not the case. I relinquish the title of �Music Critic Extraordinaire� (and by the way, for editorial purposes, my name is correctly spelled L-u-c-a-s, not as it is seen in the Observer Staff section of the previous editions of the paper). My resolution is the product of several weeks of introspective deliberation, in which I have deemed my acerbic tone far too candid for a simple high school newspaper. I have managed to both alienate and beguile during my three-issue tenure, but, lamentably, my views have not been perceived as tongue-in-cheek as they were intended. Still, I must leave while at my zenith, much like George on Seinfeld, only I�m much more handsome. And non-fictional. Certainly, the quality of the Observer will not suffer due to my departure, no; it shall flourish, as I bequeath the space consumed by my annotations to the remaining personnel. One does not have to be completely devoid of my poignant witticism, however. I have decided to assess the merits of underground entrepreneurialism by establishing an online periodical, circulated through e-mail. All questions pertaining to the online publication, or petitions entreating my return to less-obscure journalistic means, as always, should be brought to me directly. [Note to the "editor" (Don�t print this): I am aware of the few grammatical errors included in this piece, and they are intentional. Please keep the �editing� to a minimum. -LH] |
| Note to readers: "I Quit" resulted from incessant "editing" of my articles by some illiterate, unknown fool. This is clearly a euphemism, because those responsible for the alterations of my original work into incomprehensible jargon may be reading this...if they have the mental capacity... |