| Out to Pasture: A Music Column By Lucas Heffer DISCLAIMER: To all my superficial classmates that took injudicious offense to my last article entitled �DMB�, I suggest you either put this down now, or sprout a sense of humor real quick, and get a dictionary, because it�s gonna get messy up in here. Well, you kids wanted reviews of different music, so now y�all got it. I guess I can�t say you don�t have any opinions anymore. No good ones yet, but at least they�re there. Rome wasn�t built in a day, but some religious folks still cling to the myth that the universe was created in six. Lazy Romans. Anyhoo, to research this ostensibly new music trend dubbed �pop�, I watched the Music-pop culture Mecca of the boob tube (that means television-I�ll help you with the hard ones), MTV, and its most idealistic, I mean popular diurnal telecast, TRL, hosted by Carson Daly, the undisputed emperor of teeny-bopper Americana, from which I try to abstain (go without), but somehow creeps its way into my life every time I buy something for my sister (she�ll remain anonymous, but I�ll say this: her name begins with �J� and ends with �illian�) with the ugly visages (faces) of *Nsync on it. Ugh (sound of disgust). Where was I? Ahh, yes, the intolerable reverberation (look it up) of �music� on my eardrum, called Pop. If you know how the show works, then I�m sure you�re as dismayed as I was that I tuned in to catch only the top six videos. If you don�t know how the show operates, ask somebody. I�ve got all I need for this article. At any rate, the first offering, or sixth, for you pessimists, was �Alive� by P.O.D. What a refreshing deviation from what I have come to expect from TRL. Still, not great, but it blows Dave Matthews out of the water, as most anything other than a dying moose does. I�m obviously kidding, to listen to a moose is much more enjoyable. Back to the real band�any idea what P.O.D. stands for? Payable on Death. Care to venture a guess toward the meaning of that? Yeah, neither would I. So, buy this record under one of two circumstances: 1) You can endure decent hard rock with spiritual references, or 2) You�re a Christian that wants to scare your parents by becoming one of �those darn kids with their rock music�. Trust me, you wont suffer an eternity of torture in the underworld on account of P.O.D. At number five this day was Britney Spears with �I�m Not a Slave 4 U�. Hmm�what�s wrong with this picture? When did millionaire �singers� like Miss Spears get so lazy that they can�t spell out the six-letter phrase �for you�? If I were as rich as this young lady, I would make my song titles longer than War and Peace (worry not, young ones, I don�t expect anyone other than Matt Holm and Chris McEntee to recognize that one). Why? Because I could afford it. While she can sing only moderately well, she is rather good looking, and, I�ll admit, I attended one of her concerts, but I didn�t waste my own money on it. Besides, Mike Guerra was there too. I really don�t advocate the purchase of her musical accomplishments, but rather her photogenic efforts. I am about ready to guarantee that you won�t guess which artist occupied the fourth position. No, not the Charlie Daniels Band, it was in fact the self appointed King of Pop, the man that proves that, as Dick Gregory said: �only in America can a poor black boy grow up to be a successful white man�, Michael Jackson with the first EP off his first album in nearly six years, �You Rock My World�. Jacko has the audacity to refer to this production as a short film. What effrontery! More like a really short film with a really bad, repetitive soundtrack. Two bits of advice for the gloved one: make it shorter for those with short attention (hey, how about them Yankees?) spans, and go back to the NeverAgain ranch, invite a few little boys over, and hang it up, you�re just not Pop anymore. Say �Hi� to Tito for me. Next: *Nsync, �Gone�. I like it, I really do. Great idea. Oh, the song? Yeah, it isn�t worth the gas in a steamroller to back over it a few times. Here�s a hint: Saying �Ooh girl� a lot in an effeminate voice is not music. It does seem to attract lots of girls though. Hmmm�. We arrive at the coveted number two song: �We Fit Together� by O-town. I�m sure �we� refers to the band and na�ve girls with money to waste. I wish I knew a few more girls like that; I�d be a lot richer. I�m going to create a little suspense here by not telling you about the number 1 video just yet. Instead I�ll tell you all about the special guest Busta Rhymes, so I don�t get hassled for excluding rap. Honestly, I enjoy just about everything this guy does; he can rap better than my favorite ghetto superstar, Vanilla Ice (kidding, I really liked Kriss Kross, mac-daddy), and he�s almost as funny as ODB. He has a few bad songs, but so what, so did Led Zeppelin. Wait...no they didn�t�oh well. Busta�s new album Genesis undoubtedly has explicit lyrics, so I can�t tell you to buy it, but it�s like this: do you know anyone that�s 18? Lenny Kravitz. No, he wasn�t at number one, but that dreamy Carson did give the audience a look at his latest venture into the musical arena, �Dig In�. I don�t know what it is about this song, its good, but it�s missing something. I can�t tell what, but I know it is reminiscent of a classic rock tune whose title escapes me. It is definitely along Lenny�s recent musical path though. �And on to number one! (Insert theme from 2001: A Space Odyssey here) The Backdoor, I mean Backstreet Boys �Drowning�. You know, not to be morbid, but as with the *Nsync song, I�d rather enjoy pondering the possibilities of these song titles put into action. As for content�well, I�d even listen to New Found Glory (they�re half a notch above DMB) over these �guys�. B.J. and Rick seem gender-neutral to me. You probably think I hate all music. Please hold comments to the end. I believe that all good music must either have great lyrical content, or mind blowing melodic effects, or both, which, sadly, few remain in an age of �You�re not stupid, it�s ADD�, and �Gee, everybody else failed too, so I feel better�. Be good everybody. P.S.: �She Swallowed a Fly� has to be one of the greatest songs ever written. |