testimony

"Inside I was a child that could not mend a broken wing
Out side I looked for a way to teach my heart to sing..."
                                                        "I'll Remember"-- Madonna

This is a line from what used to be one of my favorite songs

" When You appeared like sight to the blind, Like music to my ears, Like a reason to a rhyme. Just when my hopes were wearing thin, You turned my heart to love again"
                                      "When You walked into my life" -- Natalie Grant

This is a line from one of my fave songs now.

The difference? The answer. I was searching for something to fill my heart. To heal the hurt inside me.

You're wondering "Ok, so what did you find?"

Let me start from the beginning;

          I was 16 years old. Vivid, alive, young, smart, empty. That's right Empty. I was 16 years old, had a great family, great friends (not to mention lots of friends), and I had my whole life ahead of me. I was the typical example of how you can have great things in your life and still feel empty. Something was missing. I couldn't figure out what.

Suddenly the emptiness got so great it started to hurt. Everyday I'd go to school hang out with my friends, go home - watch TV, wonder about the world, then night would come and I'd just cry. I cried and cried. I felt so broken inside. I felt so hurt. Hurt by the world, hurt by my friends, hurt by my family, hurt by everyone. I felt invisible, like no one really knew me. The true me. The me inside. Not that I let them, I was too scared of getting hurt which often happened. I felt like they didn't even care. But who could know me, I didn't even know me. I would look in the mirror and think "Who is this person staring back at me?"

Then the pain got so strong I couldn't handle it. I hated myself, I was tired. Tired of crying, tired of hurting, tired of life. I became suicidal. I wanted to die. I thought about it millions of times. I thought that my death would lift the burden of my existence off the people around me and they could have peace. I could have peace too. I dreaded waking up every morning. It was the same routine everyday, wake up - EMPTINESS - go to school - put on a mask so that no one wouldl know, oh wait what's that- MORE EMPTINESS- came home fought with my mom and my brother - STILL EMPTY- then I'd go to bed and start all over again the next day. I hated it.

Finally I meet this guy. We fall inlove. I think he's the one to fill me. I was wrong. I've had this trust issue with men ever since I could remember. Every man I've ever known hurt me, left me, and broken my heart. I had a hard time trusting him, but he didn't give up on me. Though I loved him and he loved me, I still wasn't fulfilled. We made stupid mistakes together, which made me feel worst and more like dying.

One day he calls me, he says "Guess what I got saved!" I'm like "Whoa! well that's good for you" I've heard of salvation and Christ before but I didn't take it seriously. Ever since then he would ask me to go to church with him everyday and I would say no. I didn't feel it was for me. Then one day I was watching this movie about the life and death of Jesus Christ. Suddenly I started to cry as I watched His death on the screen. I broke down and felt so bad. I felt so guilty for the things I've done and said. I kept thinking "Why would He die for me? Who am I? I'm nothing". That feeling faded quick. I went back to my empty life. About a week after that my boyfriend at the time, calls me to invite me to church. I say Yes, I figured "What the heck? What can I lose?"

Now, I don't remember who preached that night, or even what the preaching was about. I only remember the song that was sung. It was called "Incapaz" which is Spanish for Incapable. That's exactly how I felt! I felt Incapable. Incapable of loving, or of being loved. Incapable of living this life anymore, Incapable of having HIM die for me. I just broke down and cried. I couldn't stop. But as I cried, I felt a burden lift off my shoulders. My heart felt lighter. Then the Pastor asked if anyone wanted to accept Christ into their hearts, He said we wouldn't regret it. I thought "Why not? It can't hurt" So I went up and accepted Christ in my life. I can definately say that emptiness is GONE! Those feelings of pain? GONE! Death? please! I'm living for Christ. Ever since that day 3 yrs ago. I haven't been the same. God showed me that He was the missing peice. He was what I need to fill that emptiness. He showed me WHO I was, and I've never stopped thanking Him for that.

You should try Jesus. It's not just for me! it's for everyone. HE CAME FOR U ! God can fill you and complete you! He loves you! Just try Him, what do you have to lose? The routine? The emptiness? The void? Believe me, a life in Christ is worth it.