| I Was Scared Impotent . . . |
| Just kidding. If you don't know what I'm referring to, I'm talking about that shitty "Haunted House" crap I went to last Friday in room 10-1. The teacher and his class had set up the classroom so that it would be all dark and "scary", but it was just shit. Shit with a capital CRAP. First, we had to make a stupid line cause only a group of 5-6 went in at a time. I waited for like half an hour before I got to go in. I regret even setting foot in that place. As soon as we all got inside, the teacher behind us closed the door and everything became pitch black. There was a student in the front leading the way, while the teacher behind us was making sure we went the right way. Maybe it's just me, but some old fart shouting "Happy Halloween!" isn't as scary when he's also shouting "Turn right, no, turn left! Wait! Watch your head!" Yeah, REAL scary. And the sight of bare lockers sorta ruins the mood as well. What kind of "haunted house" has blue lockers on the walls? So anyways, I was towards the end of the line, near the teacher. He kept nudging me with his flashlight (oh man . . . that had BETTER been his flashlight!) to move faster, but how the fuck am I supposed to move when I can't see shit!? You want me to walk into a fucking locker or something? Jeez . . . stupid people these days. About 2/3 through the "maze" (it takes a fucking long time to get through a maze when it's pitch black and you don't have time to gather in your surroundings), my bracelet got caught on this web shit hanging from the ceiling. So the teacher comes, flashes the light on my arm, and helps me get it out. AND THEN he practically shoves me through the rest of the maze so that the other groups have time to visit the "Haunted House." Blah . . . that was the most retarded experience of my life time (well, if you don't count any of the conversations I've had with that fob, Nancy). I could design a better haunted house all by myself! In fact, I'll design it right now! Step 1: Pick a Setting See, I can understand your way of thinking by setting up a haunted house in a classroom. Students hate going to school, and therefore, are afraid of classrooms. But that's not enough. You need something that strikes COMPLETE fear into students! And what place is better than . . . THE SCHOOL BATHROOMS!? Hell yeah! Now THIS is some really scary shit. There is LITERALLY shit in those bathrooms. They're just sitting there, decaying in the toilet bowl, never going down the pipes cause some fatass clogged the pipes up! And you know how the floors/walls are always wet? That ain't water, man. That's '"Grade A" PISS! Step 2: Clean It Up a Little Yeah, we don't want to KILL anybody here. Just scare the living shits out of them. Giving them an unedited version of a high school public bathroom is too extreme, even for a bastard like me! So clean that crap up a little . . . and then add shit that's 100 times worse. :-D Step 3: Think Like a Motherfucking Jackass You heard me! Release thy inner devil! Think up of the WORST possible scenarios ever, and then try to add them to your Haunted House! Such as . . . - Ever seen "Not Another Teen Movie"? Where those nerds are checking out that girl who's taking a shit, and they fall through the floor and the toilet starts spewing out shit at them? Yeah, rig up a toilet so it does that! Or make it so if they sit on a toilet, it starts SUCKING THEM IN! And to make it even more sickening, make sure there's some week old diarrhea still in the toilet! - You know how at traditional Haunted Houses, they usually have this box full of candy, and they make you stick your hand in there to get it, but then some asshole is under the table and his hand is trying to grab your hand? Yeah. Now, in MY version of a TRUE Haunted House, instead of candy, it's shit. Yeah, you heard me. SHIT. Wrap some shit up in plastic bags and have some dumbasses grab at it, thinking it's candy. Fuck, screw the plastic bags! Just make sure you get some pretty hard logs and you won't even need bags to keep the shit from falling apart in their hands. Cause, the best part comes AFTER they take it out of the box and try eating it! Oh yeah! There's your Happy Halloween, motherfucker! - If you truly want them to NEVER forget their Halloween experience, lock them in the bathroom for the night. I swear, that'll freak the fucking shit out of them. They'll eventually get the urge to take a leak or take a dump, and they'll have a serious dilemma. Use the toilet that's practically overflowing with shit from years and years of neglect, or do it in the corner like an animal and reduce your roaming capacity. Decisions, decisions. Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention that they'll be sleeping there too? You know that "wetness" on the floor isn't JUST water, right? It's a unique mix of water, semen, PMS fluids, and toilet water. Wow . . . hope you brought a sleeping bag! But seriously, even if you did, I'd take that shit from you before you even went in the Haunted House, fucker. This is a HAUNTED HOUSE, not some pansy ass Play House. Sleep on the floor like a man, you pussy! Step 4: Hide From Your Victims Once Halloween is over, everything you do is illegal. Actually, locking them in the bathroom overnight was also illegal. Hell, EVERYTHING about this Haunted House is illegal! Oh well. As long as your victims / the police don't get you, it's all good. Right? MWUHAHAHAHAHAHA. |
| Thien |