Directed by Zhang Yimou
Written by Zhang, Feng Li and Wang Bin
Starring Tony Leung Chiu-wai, Maggie Cheung Man-yuk, Chen Dao-ming, Jet Li, Zhang Zi-yi and Donnie Yen
Hong Kong / China / 2002 / 120 minutes

You just know a movie is going to suck when the promotion material only mentions the sceneries and avoids everything else. Yeah, it’s called strategy, it’s how you sell a movie when you know it blows goats. “Hero” is yet another Hollywood Asian hybrid that is made primarily for the American audience, who, apparently, are still crazy about this whole Chinese kung-fu thing. It is directed by Zhang Yimou, who used to make some really nice low budget films back in China, but is now letting Hollywood screw him in the ass. No, this film is no “Crouching Tiger,” and if you didn’t even buy “Crouching Tiger” in the first place, then “Hero” will probably feel as interesting as a bucket of vomit.

I heard many people say that “Hero” got no story, and the only saving graces are the sets and cinematography. Now, ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I bet the people who say that are the same bunch of idiots who think “Attack of the Clones” is George Lucas’ return to shape -- you just have no idea what these people are thinking. Let me get this straight. “Hero” got the worst sets, costumes, cinematography, and special effects of the year. And hey, somebody told me that this film might even get nominated at the Oscars, which pretty sums up how much it sucks.

Now, unless you are colour blind, “Hero” looks as good as having someone poke a sharp stick into your eye. Just think: the film is divided into four parts (or five, depends on whether or not you still care by that time), and each is presented in one different colour. Yeah it is sort of like Kieslowski, except Zhang Yimou is no Kieslowski in this movie. He makes everyone wear costumes that match the colour of the background (blue when fighting at the lake, green when in the forest), and I cannot think of anything lamer. And what’s worse, these costumes look like they were either bought yesterday, or the characters do their laundry every day. Call it art direction if you like, I call it bad taste.

I actually find the plot to be a few notches better than everything else about the movie. Essentially, it is about the first emperor (Chen Dao Ming) who united China, a bunch of assassins who want to kill him (Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung), and the man (Jet Li) who in turn wiped them all out on his majesty’s service. The film begins with the man recounting to the Emperor how he defeated the assassins, which sounds pretty routine, except, of course, nothing is what it seems, and as the story unfolds, we get to know more about each of the characters and how they eventually deal with each other. It is a decent plot with a message that makes a lot of sense. Individual scenes, however, suck, mainly because most of the time, the characters either fight each other, or they talk crap. I think most martial arts concepts are completely stupid, but I also believe they can be conveyed in a manner that not only makes you think otherwise, you actually find them cool. That’s what happened in “Crouching Tiger,” or Tsui Hark’s “Swordsman” movies. But here in “Hero” they become hilarious because the characters discuss them in such length you have the feeling that the director seriously wants you to appreciate them. Come on, these people spend like ten minutes telling you how you can learn kung fu by studying calligraphy! Now isn’t that something? I don’t remember laughing my ass off when Chow Yun-fat talked about similar concepts in “Crouching Tiger,” but here they sound like the most idiotic dialogues put on screen in a long, long time.

I think amid all the boredom there is a romantic arc between Maggie Cheung and Tony Leung. Hey wait, I have to stop here and tell you that the two characters are called “Flying Snow” and “Broken Sword.” And yeah, there are also people called “Long Sky,” “No Name” and “Like Moon” in this movie. Now, who the fudge think of these names? They sound stupid in English, and THEY ALSO SOUND STUPID IN CHINESE. They really should give that guy some serious beating.

And back to the romance. There is no romance. Or should I say there is supposed to be a romance, but I don’t see it. Hey, Zhang Yimou’s 1999 picture, “The Road Home” is also about an invisible romance. What’s wrong with this guy? Has he forgotten how to write about love? There is absolutely no chemistry between Flying Snow and Broken Sword in this movie. And I have to repeat they are not American Indians. We are only told that they are in love, and then they demonstrate their passion by stabbing and beating each other every once in a while, and we are expected to have tears running down our cheeks by the time the credits roll. I don’t know why, maybe it’s just me, but I think it’s common sense to ask for a divorce when your wife loves stabbing you in the stomach whenever you don’t concede to her demands.

The choreography, which is supposed to be what this film is selling, nearly bored my brains out. Adding to the problem is the excessive use of SHABBY special effects and the fact that Zhang Yimou LOVES zooming onto them so even the blind will notice how freaking bad they are. There is a remarkable scene where a legion of soldiers stretch their bows, ready to unleash thousands of arrows at their target. The moment is completely trashed when the soldiers actually fire and you realize the arrows look as real as Anne Nicole Smith’s boobs – and that’s just one of many instances. And wait, I think we also get that Matrix-camera-rotation thing in here. Are you telling me that Christopher Doyle, one of the best working cinematographers I know of, is in charge of this mess? Shouldn’t everyone already learn that that camera trick can no longer be used in any future picture without looking stupid? And that includes even “Matrix Reloaded” and “Matrix Revolutions”? To be fair, the cinematography, for the most part, is okay. I think there are even suckers out there who praise this film for the sceneries. Yeah, sure they look good, but if you have ever visited China, you will know that they are EVERYWHERE.

The score by Tan Dun could have been included in the “Crouching Tiger” soundtrack and NOBODY will notice. I think some parts of it still sound good, but he’d better start looking for other projects. Do some rock next time, baby.

Jet Li is in this movie and he actually did okay. Surprising, isn’t it? Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that he doesn’t need to do anything other than walk around and look cool. The worst acting in this movie is delivered by Zhang Ziyi, who looks like an acute mental case on pot. When this lady acts, she twitches every single muscle on her face. Meanwhile, Tony Leung looks stupid when he wears red, blue, green and white, and that means he looks stupid all through the movie. I think he is one good-looking sonafabitch in other flicks (esp. those by Wong Kar Wai) -- it’s just amazing how the costume designer could completely screw him and the others up in this movie.

“Hero” will hit American multiplexes this month and soon we will find out whether it achieves its principal objective – to land safely at the box office and run for the Oscars. I heard that some critics like it, but others don’t, not because they realize it sucks, but because they think it glorifies slavery or some *shoot* like that. To them, I just have to say, “YOU GUYS SUCK! Go eat yourselves and stop raising these stupid issues to make yourselves sound intellectual. If there is one person who thinks slavery is cool after watching this movie, it must be YOU, you stupid moron!”

© 2003 Marcus Chan
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