"Where am I?" he asked, trying to sit up. Buffy's hand immediately went to his chest, forcing him back down.
"You're in the library," she told him. "The back room, to be exact." She smiled. "You saved my life again . . . you know I have no idea how I'm ever going to be able to make all this up to you." Angel yawned sleepily and pushed Buffy's hand away, sitting up and rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.
"How long have I been here?" he asked. "Three nights, four days," Buffy told him matter-of-factly. She shook her head when he tried to stand and gave him a dark look. "You're not going anywhere so don't even try to leave," she said in a no-nonsense voice.
"Why not?" Angel asked, getting to his feet and ignoring her. As soon as he did the room spun around in circles and he sank back down to the floor. "Oh. That's why," he said after a moment, his voice dry.
"Think of it this way," Buffy told him, "you and I can talk, and you don't have to feel at all guilty about it cause you don't have much choice in the matter."
"That's a comfort," Angel replied, but in truth he wasn't going to protest about anything in his current situation. He didn't think he had the strength to make it all the way to his apartment in any case.
"Sorry, that's just the way it is." Buffy shrugged with one shoulder and leaned back against the wall next to Angel. "So . . . we gonna talk about this new 'let's avoid Buffy' game, or you want to go back to sleeping?" Angel blinked, not quite feeling up to this conversation, and unable to think of a reply. He didn't want Buffy to go, as embarrassing as it was to admit, even to himself, he was scared. He felt . . . strange, somehow. Yet at the same time he really didn't want to talk about his and Buffy's relationship, or lack thereof. She understood his reasons, she had to. She was to intelligent not to. In fact, she should have agreed with him wholeheartedly.
"You know why," he said, instead.
Buffy bit her lip and nodded slightly. "Yeah, I know why, Angel . . . but you can't just totally avoid me forever. What happened, and now we just have to find a way to move past it and move on."
"Move on?" he repeated, raising an eyebrow. "How can we possibly move on? Buffy, we need to face the facts here. I'm a vampire, you're the slayer. We tried to ignore it and look what happened. If that isn't enough proof that this can't ever work I don't know what is."
"It would be," she agreed after a moment, "if there weren't other things going on that you don't know about."
"Like?" he asked.
"Like the fact that you're becoming, ever so slowly, and at a really inappropriate time, human."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me," she answered with a slow smile. "Ms. Calendar, she found a spell or something."
"Ms. Calendar?"
"Oh, that's right, you don't know about that. She's a gypsy. She was sent here to gypsy on the two of us, ya know, make sure your little curse was still intact and all. But she felt guilty about it afterwards, and found a spell to make you human again. It's not a quick thing, or anything, I mean it did take two months to even start working. But, eventually, there isn't going to be a single thing keeping us apart."
Angel wasn't sure what he was supposed to say to that. Somehow, 'oh, that's nice' seemed inappropriate, but at the moment he was beyond caring. All he knew was that he had a headache, and having Buffy this close to him was more distracting than he wanted to admit. He was beginning to wonder if he should have just gone back to sleep.
"Well, let's not all jump for joy here," Buffy said, sounding hurt and crossing her arms. Angel blinked and looked at her for a moment, then sighed. She was still so naive, how in the world could she be so naive after all that happened? Even becoming human, though it would be wonderful, wouldn't, couldn't, erase all that he'd done to her. She just didn't seem to understand that.
"I - I'm sorry," he said after a moment. "It's just . . . " he trailed off, not wanting to shatter her dreams so early on.
"It's just what?" she asked, looking at him with worried eyes. "How can you not understand yet? It took me less than a week to figure it out, you've had two hundred something years, and you haven't yet."
"Figured what out?"She reached out with one hand to caress his face.
"It wasn't you. Angel, if you have no control over what you're doing, then it's not you. It's not. There's no real reason for you to feel guilty about what you did, because you didn't do it. It was the demon in you, not you. Not ever, ever you. You haven't done anything wrong . . . except when you're cryptic, cause that's really bad . . . but you know what I mean. If I can realize that, God, if even Giles, Mr. Vampire-Hater, could figure that out, you should be able to."
"It's not that simple, Buffy."
"Yes, it is. It's exactly that simple. I figured it out as soon as I found out you'd . . . reverted, I guess, is the right word. The things you said, the things you did, weren't things that you would ever do. Yeah, you lost a round with Mr. Demon who likes to take up residence in you, but you're winning the next one. Once that little spell of Ms. Calendar's works and you start to get better . . . the demon'll be gone Angel. Gone. Moved out of residence, et cetra. You just have to learn to separate the two, like everyone else has. There's you, then there's the other guy. Once the other guy's gone, then there's just you. And there won't be a damn thing keeping us apart . . . ever again."
Angel bit back a sigh, wishing he could believe that, wishing things really were that simple, wishing he could separate Angelus from himself so easily. But the truth was Angelus was him, had been a part of him for so long; Angel wasn't sure who he was without the demon. Buffy saw the look on his face and misinterpreted it. "Go back to sleep," she told him gently, kissing him on the forehead. "We'll talk some more tomorrow." Standing, she left the office and shut off the light.
"How's Angel doing?" Willow asked the next day at lunch, munching on an apple and watching Xander and Cordelia talk with a frown on her face.
Buffy shrugged. "I don't know," she replied. "I would have thought he'd be happier about all this . . . maybe I'm over-reacting, he is pretty sick, I just . . . I feel like it doesn't even make a difference to him."
Willow raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't make a difference?" she repeated. "I doubt that, Buffy. I'm sure it does, and it will once he's all better."
"I hope so." She sighed and took a sip of her soda. "Things are just so complicated right now. I wish we could have made up before hand, you know? This would probably be a lot easier on both of us if this wasn't the first time we'd really talked or anything since he got his soul back."
"Probably," she agreed. "But I wouldn't worry about it."
"I know. I shouldn't. But it's hard to help it. I just want things back to the way they were, you know? It was so much simpler before he reverted, or whatever."
Willow nodded. "True. But maybe things will be better now."
Buffy shook her head. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "All I've been doing for . . . like . . . ever, is talk about Angel. How are you?"
"I'm fine," she replied. "Oz and I are pretty much a couple now, I guess. He just, I don't know how to explain it. I care about him, but . . . "
"He's not Xander," Buffy supplied. "Believe me, I know how that one goes."
"It's okay, though," Willow assured her. "You talking about Angel, I mean. Things have been pretty rough for you guys."
Buffy laughed. "There's an understatement. Still . . . you have your life too, I feel like I'm taking advantage. You shouldn't let me go on and on about him like I do."
"I want you two to be together," Willow replied. "It's so unfair, you both love each other so much . . . no two people who love each other that much should have so many problems."
"I totally agree. Angel's just been so distant . . . I guess that could have something to do with the fact that he's sick and all, but it's like he doesn't even want me around or something. Like he's scared he'll try to hurt me again. I don't know how to get through to him . . . Ugh! I'm doing it again! Willow, stop me!"
Willow laughed and shook her head. "It's sweet," she said. "I mean, at least you know he loves you and he knows you love him." She stopped and shook her head again. "I'm sorry, that was unfair. You two have it a lot harder than I do with my relationships . . . or lack thereof."
"Just tell him already, Will," Buffy said, shaking her head. "Angel and I also don't have a quick fix, but you do. If you just told him at least it would be out in the open."
"No," Willow said quickly. "He's in love with Cordelia now." She rolled her eyes heavenward. "I just don't get it. Cordelia? He's hated her since, like, forever. He'd choose Cordelia over me, that pretty much goes a long way in saying what he'd say if I told him the truth."
"Maybe, but you'll never know unless you try," she reminded her friend. "Anyway, I'm going to go see how Angel's doing . . . maybe then I can stop thinking about him." Willow gave her a doubtful look. "Well, it's a shot, at least," she said with a frown. Willow nodded and waved her friend off, then leaned back against the couch she'd been sitting on, mulling over Buffy's words. Telling Xander how she felt would involve a hell of a lot of courage . . . and it would mean hurting Oz, too. Closing her eyes, she reminded herself about Buffy and Angel, and all the problems they had. Usually that made her feel better, this time, however, it did not. Cordelia laughed at something Xander had said, the sound drifting over to where Willow sat as she opened her eyes to look at them.
"Hey!" Oz said, sitting down next to her. "What's my favorite girl thinking about?" Willow blinked and looked up at him. "Nothing," she replied weakly. "Nothing at all." She leaned back against him and turned away from Xander, pushing all thoughts of him from her mind.
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