[Scene: The Hotel Lobby, Rachel and Phoebe are at the front desk checking out.]
Rachel: Listen y�know what sir? For the last time, I don�t care what the computer
says, we did not take a bag of Mashuga nuts from the mini-bar and we
did not watch Dr. Do-Me-A-Little!
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Phoebe: Oh! Joey uh, were you in our room last night?
Joey: No. (Phoebe grabs the receipt and shows it to Joey who gets mad.) I was
told the name of the movie would not appear on the bill!
(Chandler and Monica enter.)
Chandler: (to the front desk clerk) Hi! We�re checking out of the bridal suite.
Monica: (depressed) That�s right. I�m no longer a bride. I�ll never be a bride again.
Now, I�m just someone�s wife!
Chandler: And I�m the happiest guy in the world! (Monica goes and sits down in a
huff.) Oh honey, come on don�t be upset. We still have so much to
look forward to!
Monica: Oh yeah, right. (Rolls her eyes.)
Chandler: We got the honeymoon.
Monica: That�s not �til Thursday.
Chandler: The wedding pictures?
Monica: They won�t be ready for weeks.
Chandler: Not the disposable cameras from the tables.
Monica: That�s true! (Happily) I knew I married you for a reason!
Chandler: I�ll tell you what, I will go get them developed and you can go home.
Monica: Okay.
(Joey giggles.)
Chandler: What? What did you take a picture of?
Joey: Nothing! It was something.
Chandler: Okay Ross has the cameras, has he checked out yet?
Rachel: Are you joking? Check out is not �til noon and he has a good (checks her
watch) eleven minutes left.
Chandler: Oh.
Monica: Ross has never checked out of a room a minute before he had to.
Rachel: Yeah, one time, when we were dating, uh we got a late checkout, he got so
excited it was the best sex we ever had. Until y�know, he screamed out
Radisson at the end.
Chandler: Okay, well I�m gonna get Ross, get the cameras, and get them developed.
(Joey laughs again.) 32 Joe. You�re 32! (Exits)
Front Desk Clerk: (To Monica) Here�s a copy of your bill.
Monica: Oh thanks. (Reading the bill) Champagne, strawberries�Oh my God! I can�t
believe Chandler ordered porn on our wedding night!
Joey: Yeah, that�s sad. Mashuga nut?
Opening Credits
[Scene: Ross�s Hotel Room, he is letting Chandler in.]
Ross: Hi.
Chandler: Hey. (He sees that Ross is packing all of the hotel toiletries) Soaps?
Shampoos? Are you really taking all this stuff?
Ross: Why not? It�s built into the price of the room.
Chandler: Yeah but you don�t need�(Picks up something)�What is this?
Ross: Thread!
Chandler: Score! Where are the disposable cameras?
Ross: What disposable cameras?
Chandler: The cameras? Remember last night I told you to take them?
Ross: No you didn�t.
Chandler: Yes! Remember? Right before we cut the cake, I went up to you
and I said�
Ross: Oh-oh yeah, you-you came up to me and asked if I could do you a favor,
and my Uncle Murray came up to you and handed you a check. And then
you said, "Why do they call it a check? Why not a Yugoslavian?"
(Chandler laughs.) Yeah, then you did that.
Chandler: So you don�t have the cameras?!
Ross: No. Sorry man.
Chandler: So? What? What? They�re gone! Monica�s gonna freak!
Ross: Well, I�m sure they�re still somewhere here in the hotel. I�ll-I�ll help you
look for them.
Chandler: Great.
Ross: In-in three minutes.
(Chandler goes into the bathroom, closes the door, and then opens it again right
away. Ross looks up and hands him the toilet paper Ross already packed.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Phoebe is entering to see Monica sitting
in front of a mound of wedding gifts.]
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Hey!
Phoebe: Are you gonna open the presents without Chandler?
Monica: No! (Pause) But, they�re callin� out to me! I mean this little guy (Holds up
a small one) even crawled up into my lap. Oh come on, Chandler wouldn�t
mind if I opened just one present! What do you think it is?
Phoebe: A little mirror that when you look into it you see yourself as an old woman.
(Monica opens it anyways.)
Monica: A tiny salt shaker!!!
Phoebe: Ohhh! My God! For tiny salt!
Monica: Oh wow! Okay. Well that was fun.
Phoebe: Oh yeah.
Monica: Good. Okay, I�m just gonna wait for Chandler to open the rest of them.
Phoebe: Okay.
Monica: Whew. Although y�know, this is part of a salt and pepper set. I mean�
I guess y�know it may just count as a half a present. What do you think?
Phoebe: Well I guess it�s okay to open one more if it�s part of a set. Y�know,
it�s probably this one. (Grabs another small one.)
Monica: Or this one! (She grabs and starts to open the biggest present.)
Rachel: (entering) Hi.
Monica: Hey, how are you feelin�? Any morning sickness?
Rachel: Shh-shh-shh! The guys don�t know yet do they?
Monica: No! Joey and Ross don�t know anything and Chandler still thinks
that Phoebe�s pregnant.
Phoebe: Yeah that�s right Chandler does still think I�m pregnant. He hasn�t
asked me how I�m feeling or offered to carry my bags. Boy, I feel
bad for the woman who ends up with him. (Monica looks at her.)
After you of course.
Rachel: Don�t worry I promise that you will only have to be pregnant for a few more
hours, �cause I�m going to tell the father today.
Phoebe: Ooh, is it someone in this building? Is it that tall guy from the first floor?
Rachel: Ew! No!
Phoebe: What?! I think he�s cute.
Rachel: Well then you have his baby.
Phoebe: Believe me I�m trying.
Monica: Wow. Y�know it is so weird. I mean, you�re gonna tell this guy today
and he has no idea what�s gonna happen.
Phoebe: Yeah. You�re just gonna knock on his door and change his life forever.
You�re like Ed McMahon except without the big check, or the raw
sexual magnetism.
Rachel: Yeah. Uh-huh, I guess it is pretty big news.
Phoebe: Pretty big? It�s huge! God, this guy doesn�t have a clue! He�s just walking
down the street thinking, �I had sex with Rachel Green. I rock!� then bam! He�s
a father and everything�s different.
Rachel: Well it�s only different if he wants it to be. I mean, I�m not gonna ask him
for anything.
Phoebe: Okay. Then he still has this huge decision to make. Now he�s walking
around thinking, �Do I want to be a dad?� and then bam!
Monica: What was that bam?
Phoebe: I don�t. He got�he-he-he-he�s hit by a bus.
Joey: (entering) Hey!
Rachel: Hey Joey, what would you do if someone that you slept with told you
that she was pregnant?
Joey: (warily) Who called here? Did she sound blond? Huh? Did-did-did she have
an accent? I gotta make a call! (Starts to leave) I shoulda never walked
into that Sunglass Hut!
Rachel: Oh Joey! Joey! No, it�s not you! You didn�t get anybody pregnant!
Joey: Oh. Why would you scare me like that? What the hell is going on?
(Pause.) Is somebody pregnant?
Phoebe: Oh yeah. That�s me.
Joey: Oh my God Pheebs! You�re gonna have a baby?
Phoebe: Yes. Yes I am. Oh my God, I�m gonna have a baby! (Joey and
Phoebe hug.)
Joey: Whoa, wait a minute. Who�s the father?
Phoebe: You don�t know him. It�s not important. He wants nothing to do with
me or the baby. (She sits down like she�s pregnant.)
Joey: Well who is this guy?! Huh? Who is he? �Cause I will track him down
and kick his ass!
Phoebe: David Lynn.
Joey: David Lynn! David Lynn! David Lynn!! (Exits)
Monica: Who�s David Lynn?
Phoebe: Oh some guy from my gym. A little annoying.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Chandler is under one of the tables as Ross enters.]
Ross: Chandler?
Chandler: Hey! Did you find the cameras?
Ross: No. Did you?
Chandler: Yes! And that�s why I�m under the table. Celebrating.
Ross: Well I checked in the uh, lost and found, I talked to the manager,
no-one�s turned them.
Chandler: Well this is great. Y�know, those cameras were the only thing
that was gonna cheer Monica up today, she�s really depressed.
Ross: Now you guys just got married, why is she so depressed?
Chandler: All my energy is going into not asking that question. I can�t
believe I screwed this up!
Ross: I�m sorry man. (Formally dressed people start to enter.) Here�s a thought.
This is the same ballroom. There�s a band. There�s gonna be plenty
of dressed up people.
Chandler: Are you suggesting we dance our troubles away?
Ross: No-no-no, I�m saying we-we buy more of this (disposable cameras) at the
gift shop, throw our tuxes back on, and take a few pictures. All we have
to do is make sure not to get anybody else�s faces.
Chandler: Are you serious?
Ross: I�m just thinking about your new bride at home. Okay? Do-do you really
want to start your life together by letting her down?
Chandler: Marriage advice? Really?!
Ross: I�m telling you, this looks exactly like your wedding! Aren�t these
the same flowers?
Chandler: I don�t know, Monica picked out the flowers.
Ross: What about the chairs?
Chandler: She picked those out too.
Ross: How about the place settings?
Chandler: That was her.
Ross: What did you do?
Chandler: I was in charge of the cameras! Gift shop?
Ross: Hmm. (They head off to the gift shop.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is sitting on the couch as Phoebe enters.]
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh, did you do it yet?
Rachel: Not yet.
Phoebe: Oh, well what are you doing here? Are you about to do it?
(Gasps) Is it Gunther?
Rachel: No! Phoebe, it�s not Gunther.
Phoebe: Thank God, �cause that hair on a baby�
Rachel: Phoebe the father is not here okay? I haven�t told him yet and
I don�t think I can tell him at all now!
Phoebe: Why not?
Rachel: I don�t know, let me think. I was walking down the street thinking,
�I�m gonna tell the father today� and then bam!
Phoebe: Bus?
Rachel: No, you! Phoebe you freaked me out. You kept saying how huge
this all is!
Phoebe: Well-well but it is huge.
Rachel: I know, but I was just thinking about how huge this is for me. I didn�t
even go to how huge this was going to be for the father.
Phoebe: You�re thinking about this way too much. Just tell him and get it over
with. It�s like, it�s like ripping off this Band-Aid. (On her arm) Quick and
painless, watch. (Rips it off.) Oh mother of�See?
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has now opened more of
the wedding gifts.]
Joey: (entering) Ooh-ooh-ooh! Are we opening presents?
Monica: No! No! I shouldn�t have even opened these! I mean I�Joey I am out
of control!! Joey, you have to do me a favor. No matter what I say, no matter
what I do, please do not let me open another present! Okay?
Joey: Okay.
Monica: Give me one more.
Joey: Okay. (Hands her one.)
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Joey: Oh good, uh you�re here. Uh Pheebs? Listen uh sit down. I-I got something
I want to say.
Phoebe: All right. (She sits down like she�s pregnant again.)
Joey: Umm, now uh� It�s a scary world out there, especially for a single mom.
Y�know, now I always thought you and I had a special bond so� (He goes to
one knee and pulls out a ring.) Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Monica: Oh my God! Joey!
Phoebe: Hell yeah! I�ll marry you! (She grabs the ring and puts it on.)
Monica: You can�t marry him!
Phoebe: Hey lady, your day�s over! It�s my turn!
Monica: Phoebe!
Joey: Why?! Why can�t she marry me?!
Phoebe: I can and I will! (Kisses him.)
Monica: She�s not pregnant. It�s Rachel. Rachel�s the one who�s pregnant.
Joey: Oh my God.
Phoebe: Hey!
Monica: Phoebe I think he would notice if you didn�t have a baby in nine months!
Phoebe: It�s Joey! (Joey turns and looks at her and she mouths
�I love you� to him.)
Joey: (smiles then stops) Now I can�t believe it! What? Rachel�s pregnant?
(The girls nod yes.) Who�s the father?
Phoebe: We don�t know.
Joey: Ohh� I wonder if that dude.
Monica: There�s a dude?
Joey: Yeah.
Phoebe: Who? Who is it?
Joey: About a month ago this guy spent the night with Rachel, I didn�t see who
it was but� (He walks out and closes the door.)
Phoebe: Was that story over?
(They follow him and meet him in the hall coming out of his apartment carrying
a sweater.)
Joey: The guy left this.
Phoebe: (gasps) Oh my God! I know who the father is� (She walks into Monica
and Chandler�s.)
Monica: People have got to finish their stories!
Commercial Break
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross and Chandler are in their tuxes and have started
to fake the pictures.]
Chandler: (to another couple) Uh, excuse me? Could you take a picture of us?
Woman At The Wedding: Oh! Of course. (Ross and Chandler pose and she
takes the picture.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, would you take one of us?
Chandler: Uhh� Yeah sure. (Holds the camera up to his face.) Click!
Woman At The Wedding: It didn�t click.
Ross: I heard it. I heard it.
Man At The Wedding: But there was no flash.
Woman At The Wedding: Why won�t you take our picture?
Chandler: Oh yeah. I�ll take, I�ll take your picture. (He takes the picture
with his finger over the lens.)
Man At The Wedding: Uh, your finger was covering the lens.
Chandler: Who are you? Ansel Adams?! Get outta here!
[Scene: Outside Central Perk, Rachel and Phoebe are about to go inside.]
Phoebe: Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before, so I called the father
and asked him to meet you here so you can tell him. Go!
Rachel: What? Hey wait a minute! Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
Phoebe: I may play the fool at times, but I�m a little more than a pretty blond girl
with an ass that won�t quit. (She takes the sweater out of her purse.) I
believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
Rachel: Oh God� Oh, he�s in there right now?
Phoebe: Uh-huh. Now you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the
Band-Aid off. What to you want to do?
Rachel: Uh, let�s rip!
Phoebe: Really? Are you sure?
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: Okay, sorry. Yeah. (They go inside to confront the father.)
Tag: Hey Rach.
[Scene: The Banquet Room, Ross is taking a picture of a plant, Chandler a fork.
The band stops.]
Chandler: Why don�t you go up on stage. I�ll get a picture of you doing the speech.
Ross: Okay. Okay!
(He goes up on stage, mimes like he's giving the speech, and Chandler takes his
picture. However, before he gets down everyone starts clinking their glasses for
a real speech.)
Ross: Will the owner of a 1995 Buick LeSabre please see the front desk? Your
car is about to be towed.
Anxious Wedding Guest: (rushing up) That�s my car!
Ross: A �95 LeSabre?!
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: A green LeSabre?
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes!
Ross: I�m sorry, I meant a blue LeSabre.
Anxious Wedding Guest: Yes! Green-blue!
Ross: Well go! Go move it! (He runs off.)
Chandler: Okay, you ready for the last picture?
Ross: Yeah.
Chandler: Get ready to run. (Chandler walks over to the new bride.) Congratulations
on your wedding. (He grabs her, kisses her, Ross takes the picture,
and they both run out.)
[Scene: Central Perk, continued from earlier.]
Tag: So, what�s this about?
Phoebe: Rachel has something that she wants to tell you and umm, I believe that
this is your red sweater.
Tag: No. (Unzips his coat.) This is my red sweater.
Phoebe: Oh no. Could I get anyone a coffee or�poison? No? Just for me? Okay.
(Walks away.)
Tag: What�s going on Rach?
Rachel: Nothing! Phoebe kinda made a mistake. But y�know you do wear that
sweater a lot, are you involved in some kind of dare?
Tag: Y�know, I�m actually glad Phoebe called. (He pulls out a stool and Rachel sits down.)
I know we broke up because you thought I wasn�t mature enough, but I�ve really
grown up and think we should get back together.
Rachel: Oh, it�s just not the right time.
Tag: It is the right time. (Takes her hand.)
Rachel: Okay.
Tag: I�m ready for more.
Rachel: Tag�
Tag: Come on Rach, let�s give it another try.
Rachel: I�m having a baby.
Tag: Oh. (He drops her hand.)
(Pause)
Rachel: You can go.
Tag: Thank you. (Gets up and hurries out.)
[Scene: Monica and Chandler's, Obsessive Monica has finished opening all the
presents. She�s ashamed of this, at least, because as someone enters�]
Monica: (throwing up the last present) I don�t know how any of these got opened?!
Joey: (entering) You opened them all?
Monica: I know! I know! I am a terrible person! I mean, Chandler is never
going to trust me with anything ever again!
Joey: Oh hey! You got my parent�s gift! (Holds it up.)
Monica: Yeah. What is that?
Joey: Well, I don�t know. I think it does something to salami.
(Phoebe and Rachel enter.)
Monica: Hey! How�d it go?
Joey: Yeah. What-what did Tag say?
Rachel: Tag is not the father! And Joey knows now?
Joey: I do Rach. I do, and I so happy for you. (They hug.)
Rachel: Oh wow, you didn�t even try to unhook my bra!
Monica: So are you ever gonna tell whoever it is?
Rachel: No, I will. I�m just not up for it tonight.
Joey: Hey Rach listen, no matter what this guy says I want you
to know you�re not gonna be alone in this.
Rachel: I�m not?
Joey: Listen I uh� (He takes her hand.) It�s a scary world out there
especially if you�re a single mom. Y�know, I always felt like you
and I have this-this special bond. Y�know? So, (gets down on one
knee again) Rachel Green will you marry me?
Rachel: What?
Monica: What?!
Phoebe: What?!!
Joey: Pheebs, give me the ring back!
Phoebe: No!!
Rachel: No! Joey, oh you�re so sweet. You�re so-so sweet, honey. But
I�m not, I�m not looking for a husband.
Joey: (heartbroken) I understand.
Rachel: Now, if you will excuse me I am going to go and lie down. (Exits.)
Phoebe: I can�t say that didn�t hurt. But I�ll take you back Joey Tribbiani.
Joey: Uh yeah. Pheebs, listen about that. I only offered�
Phoebe: Ooh! A Salami Buddy!
Joey: There you go!
(Chandler and Ross enter with the new pictures.)
Chandler: We�re back!
Monica: Great! We�re hangin� in the kitchen! (She drags him into the kitchen and
turns his back to the living room) Let�s stay in the kitchen!
Chandler: It�s picture time.
Ross: Now you are going to love these.
Chandler: (showing her the pictures) Here�s a picture of Ross. (Shows another
one.) And that�s me. (Another one.) And that�s me and Ross.
(Another one.) Oh-ho, that is a picture of our first kiss as a married couple.
Monica: Wow! That is a great picture!
Chandler: Eh?
Monica: Yeah! Oh and interesting because I found the cameras in one of our
bags! (Throws them into his chest.)
Ross: Huh, didn�t see that coming.
Chandler: Okay, so this isn�t a picture of our first, but it is a picture of my first
kiss with�with this lady. Which by the look on your face I�m sure
you�ll remember. So we don�t need�(Rips the picture)�There�s no
need to have this picture. How about I take the real pictures and
get them developed right now.
Monica: That would be a good idea.
Chandler: Okay. (Sees the living room.) You opened all the presents without me?!
I thought we were supposed to do that together!
Monica: You kissed another woman!
Chandler: Call it even?!
Monica: Okay! (They high-five and he walks out.)
Ross: Well, I�m gonna go get these (the floral bouquet he walked in with)
in some water.
Phoebe: Wait you stole those from these people�s wedding?
Ross: No-no, I took them from the hotel lobby. Yeah, they think they can
charge me for some dirty movie and a bag of Mashuga nuts, they got
another think coming. (Starts to leave.) Hey! My sweater! I�ve been
looking for this for like a month!
(He exits leaving a stunned Phoebe and Monica.)
Monica and Phoebe: Oh my God!!
Joey: (slow on the uptake) Oh my God!
Closing Credits
[Scene: A Street, Ross walks past Tag wearing the same red sweater.]
Ross: Hey! How you doing?
Tag: Good! Good, long time no see.
Ross: Yeah.
Tag: Like your sweater.
Ross: Oh hey, right back at ya.
Tag: Oh, it�s crazy about Rachel huh?
Ross: Yeah. She�Well, she�s one crazy lady?
Tag: So whose is it?
Ross: (shows Tag his sweater tag) Umm, I don�t some Italian guy.
Come on, read your own label. See you later.
Tag: Okay.
(They separate.)
Ross: He is so weird.
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