The One Without A Name... Yet
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Joey are sitting on the couch
reading.]
Joey: Can I see the comics?
Chandler: This is the New York Times.
Joey: Okay, may I see the comics?
[Monica and Phoebe enter.]
Monica: Guys. I thought you were taking Ross to the game?
Chandler: We are. He�s meeting us here.
Monica: No! Rachel is meeting us here.
Phoebe: Oh come on, they can be in the same room.
Joey: Yeah, you shoulda been there last night.
Phoebe: Why? What happened now?
Joey: Well Ross was hangin� out over at our place, Rachel comes over
to borrow some moisturiser from Chandler....
Chandler: Yeah y-you, how hard is it to say something? Rachel came
over to borrow something.
Joey: Anyway! Her and Ross just started yelling at each other.
Phoebe: Wait. Why was he yelling at her? He�s the one who slept with
someone else.
Joey: Well, I guess he says that because they were on a break when it
happened, that she should of forgiven him by now.
Phoebe: Whoa!! He is soo unreasonable! God, although I think I
understand what he means. Oh my God, this is like 60 Minutes,
okay, when, when, at first you�re really mad at that
pharmaceutical company for making the drug and then y'know you
just feel bad for the people because they needed to make their
hair grow.
Chandler: Y'know what this is like? This is like when my parents got
divorced. Man, I hope Ross doesn�t try to kidnap me after
Cub Scouts.
Phoebe: Y'know I had a dream where Ross and Rachel were still together,
they never broke up. And we were all just like hanging out,
and everyone was happy....
Joey: I had the same dream!
Phoebe: Yeah, and nobody slept with that Xerox girl.
Joey: Oh, I had the opposite dream.
Chandler: Y'know what maybe it�s gonna be okay, I mean it�s been a
week.
Joey: Yeah, I mean it�s never taken me a week to get over a
relationship.
Monica: It�s never taken you more than a shower to get over a
relationship.
[Rachel enters.]
Monica: (seeing her) Okay, let�s go!! Let�s hit the road!!
Rachel: Hey!
Monica: Let�s get the show on it!
Rachel: Okay, let me just get a cup of coffee.
Monica: Oh Rachel, I know the best coffee house and it�s sooo close.
Rachel: Closer than here?
Phoebe: (turning around and picking a cup off of a table) Oh, hey,
look, I found coffee! (handing her the cup) Okay, let�s
scidaddle.
Rachel: Wait, I�m not just gonna drink somebody�s old coffee.
Phoebe: Okay, your highness.
[Ross enters behind Rachel, and look at each other for a moment.]
Phoebe: (in a deep voice, imitating Ross) Um, Rachel I�m really sorry.
(imitating Rachel) That�s okay, do you wanna get back
together? (imitating Ross) Yeah, okay. (in her normal voice)
Did anyone else hear that?!
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, the whole gang is there, except for Ross
and Rachel. Joey is trying to eat Chinese with chopsticks and fails
miserably. There�s a knock on the door, and Chandler answers it to
reveal Rachel]
Rachel: (softly) Is he here?
Chandler: No.
Rachel: Oh. (smiles) Here�s your moisturiser. Hi!
Monica and Phoebe: Hey!
Rachel: You guys are gonna love meee! Okay, check it out, Thursday
night, five tickets, Calvin Klein lingerie show, and you guys
are coming with me. (they�re all silent and look away) Okay, I
said that out loud right?
Chandler: Yes, yes, it�s just that we ah, we kinda all ready, made
plans with Ross.
Rachel: Oh, well okay. Well, there you go.
Phoebe: No, it�s just that he got this new like home theater dealie,
and he wants y'know, us to check it out.
Rachel: Hm-mm.
Chandler: Yeah, he�s really excited about it too, he even recorded
show times on his answering machine.
Rachel: Ohh!
Monica: We�re sorry honey.
Rachel: Oh, it�s okay. (starts to leave)
Joey: Rach, it�s, it�s ah, it�s not that we don�t want to, really.
(quietly) Are we talking models in their underwear?
Rachel: And heels.
Joey: (He turns around to Chandler looking for approval to go with
Rachel, Chandler mouths �Come on!�) (turning back to Rachel) Ross,
did ask us first, and we set that night aside.
Rachel: No, hey, come on, if he asked you first, that�s only fair.
(leaves)
[Chandler makes a noise of absolute disgust and heads into the living
room.]
Phoebe: Ohhh boy, do I feel bad.
Joey: Oh yeah.
Monica: Very bad.
[We see Chandler lighting up a cigarette.]
Phoebe: Chandler what are you doing?!
Monica: Chandler!!
Chandler: (jumps back and points at the cigarette) Oh my God!
Joey: You�re smoking again?!
Chandler: Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today, I�m,
I�m smoking still.
Phoebe: Why would you start again after chewing all that quitting gum?
Chandler: Look, I�m telling you this is just like my parents divorce,
which is when I started smoking in the first place.
Monica: Weren�t you nine?!
Chandler: Yeahhh. I�m tellin� ya something, that ah, first smoke after
nap time....
[There�s a knock on the door.]
Chandler: Oh that�s great, with my luck, that�s gonna be him.
Phoebe: Him? Him, Ross?
Chandler: Nope, hymn 253, His Eyes Are On The Sparrow! When my parents
got divorced is when I started using humour as a defence
mechanism. (answers the door and it�s Rachel again.)
Rachel: Hi! Uhh, do you guys have plans for the weekend? Because I
have my sister on hold, and she said that we could use her
cabin for the weekend and go skiing. Huh? I�m asking you first,
right?!. I mean I�m playing by the rules.
All: Absolutely, yeah!
Rachel: Chandler! You�re smoking? What are you doing?!
Chandler: Hey, shut up!! You�re not my real Mom!!
[Scene: Ross�s, the gang, minus Rachel of course, is there. Chandler
is forced to smoke by an open window.]
Joey: (obviously cold) Hey, can you close that window Chandler? My
nipples can cut glass over here!
Phoebe: Wait. Really?! �Cause mine get me out of tickets.
Ross: Look, you guys I just wanna say, I really, really appreciate you
spending this time with me. It�s been a pretty hard time right
now, so I just wanna say thanks.
Chandler: Can somebody else hug him? I have to stay by the window.
Ross: Oh hey, hey, huh, how about this weekend we have a laser disc
marathon okay, and maybe a tournament on my new dart board? Huh,
huh, what do you think? (in an Irish accent) Two days of darts,
it�ll be great!
Joey: It�ll be great for next weekend.
Ross: No, no, no, this weekend guys!
Joey: It�ll be great for next weekend. I mean, (in an Irish accent)
it�ll be grrreat.
Ross: What�s going on?
Phoebe: Well, we were um, sorta invited to go skiing, y'know Rachel�s
sister�s cabin. (Chandler goes back to the window to smoke
again.)
Ross: So, for the whole weekend?
Monica: We�re really sorry, but um, she did ask us first.
Ross: Yeah, that�s okay, I mean if you guys all have to go away for
the first weekend I�m alone by myself, y'know then I totally,
totally understand.
Phoebe: Y'know what, I can stay, I�m gonna stay. �Cause the last time
I went skiing I was to afraid to jump off the chair lift, I
just went around and around.
Joey: Uh, Pheebs we kinda need you to drive us all up there in your
grandmother�s cab, but y'know what, I�ll stay.
Monica: Noo! I�ll stay. He�s my brother.
Ross: What a pity stay?
Monica: No! We�re gonna have fun. We can make fudge!
Ross: Pity food? Y'know what that�s okay, all right, I don�t need any
of you to stay, okay nobody stays.
Chandler: Well, then, I might as well offer to stay.
[Scene: In Phoebe�s Grandmother�s cab, driving up to the cabin.
Phoebe�s driving, Rachel�s sitting shotgun, Chandler, Monica, and Joey
are in the back seat.]
Joey: (to Chandler and Monica) Hey, does anybody else feel bad about
Ross?
Monica: Why? Do you think he�s still mad at us?
Chandler: (to Joey) Well he�s probably mad after you called him this
morning to borrow his goggles.
Joey: What? Mine aren�t tinted.
[Chandler starts to light a cigarette.]
Phoebe: Chandler!!
Chandler: What?
Phoebe: What does the sign say?
Chandler: Beam me up Jesus.
Phoebe: No, the �No Smoking� sign. There�s no smoking in my
Grandmother�s cab.
Chandler: Okay, well, then, I-I have to go to the bathroom.
All: Oh!
Phoebe: Please!
Monica: No Chandler no! No unscheduled stops. You can go when we stop
for gas.
Chandler: Oh, come on, there�s a rest stop right up there! Come on, I
really have to goooooooooo.
Joey: Oh, now I have to go!!
[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe�s pulling in.]
Chandler: Here we go. Okay, brace yourselves.
Monica: What?
[Both Chandler and Joey put their feet up against the glass, Monica
doesn�t and gets thrown up against the glass.]
Rachel: Okay.
Monica: Ow!
[Joey gets out and sprints to the bathroom and Chandler follows with a
cigarette in his hands.]
Phoebe: (to Rachel, who�s staying in the cab.) Aren�t you gonna go?
Rachel: No. Thank you.
Monica: (getting out) No, Rachel never pees in public restrooms.
Rachel: Well, they never have any paper in there y'know. So my rule is
�no tissue, no tuschy.� (Phoebe laughs and gets out.) Well, if
everybody�s going. (She gets out and starts to close the door.)
Phoebe: No, y'know what don�t close it (Rachel slams the door shut
locking themselves out.) �cause the... keys.. are in there.
Chandler: Oh, no-no-no-no-no-no!!
Joey: What�s going on?
Chandler: (to Joey) My lighter�s in there! (points to the cab)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: The rest stop, the gang is still stuck, Chandler is kneeling
at the rear bumper.]
Chandler: Damn! (stands up) The tailpipe�s not hot enough to light this!
Joey: Relax okay, I-I-I can get this open. Anybody have a coat hanger?
Chandler: Oh I do! Op, no, wait a minute, I took it out of my shirt
when I put it on this morning.
Monica: So, if you�re parents hadn�t got divorced, you�d be able to
answer a question like a normal person?
Joey: Look, I just need a wire something to jimmy it. Oh hey, one of
you guys give me the underwire from your bra!
Monica: What?!
Rachel: What?!
Joey: Come on! Who has the biggest boobs?
Monica: Please!!
Joey: Whoever has the biggest boobs, has the biggest bra, therefore
has the biggest wire.
The Girls: No, not getting my bra!
Joey: If you wanna get back in the car, we need the wire, your call.
Phoebe: Okay, Monica�s are the biggest.
Monica: These tiny, little non-breasts?! Please, it�s gotta be Rachel.
Rachel: What, no, no, no, mine are deceptively small I mean, I-I-I
actually sometimes, st-stuff my bra.
Monica: All right then, your bra would still be big.
Rachel: No, I stuff outside the bra.
Chandler: Ladies, ladies, let�s just compromise okay? Phoebe, Rachel
take off Monica�s bra.
Phoebe: All right, forget it, nevermind, you can have mine.
[Chandler crumples up his cigarette pack and throws it on the ground.]
Rachel: (seeing him) Chandler, what are you doing? There is a trash
can right there.
Chandler: Well, I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come
by and save us.
Phoebe: (finishing removing her bra) Okay, there.
Joey: Thank you Phoebe, that is very, very generous.
Chandler: Okay, now let�s decide who has the nicest ass.
Joey: (opening the door) And there you go!
All: Oh, yeahhhhh!!!
[They all run to get in the cab, and Chandler pulls out a smoke.]
Monica: Chandler!!
Chandler: At least let me smoke it to the good part.
[Phoebe puts the car in gear and starts to back out.]
Phoebe: Okay. (The car moves a few feet and sputters to a stop.) Oh,
no!
Rachel: What, what�s it, what�s going on?
Phoebe: Yeah, this has happened before.
Rachel: So you know how to fix it?
Phoebe: Yep. Put more gas in.
[Scene: Carol and Susan�s, Carol is setting a romantic dinner for
Susan as there is a knock on the door.]
Carol: (answering the door) Hi!
Ross: (entering) Hey.
Carol: Hey, what are you doing here?
Ross: Well, oh just ah, I was just wondering, when you and I split up,
did you get the tape that was half the last episode of M*A*S*H
and half the hostages coming home?
Carol: Ah yeah, but now it�s Susan and me in Mexico and the hostages
coming home.
Ross: Where�s Ben?
Carol: He�s sleeping.
Ross: Ahh. (notices the table) Ooh, is this a ah, is this a bad time?
Carol: Umm, yeah, actually, Susan�s gonna be home any minute, it�s
kinda an anniversary.
Ross: Oh! I thought you guys got married in uh, January?
Carol: It�s not that kind of anniversary.
Ross: Ah! (realises) Oh.
Carol: Sooo!! Anyway...
Ross: Umm, candles, champagne, yeah anniversaries are great. �Cause
you know love lasts forever, y'know. Nothing like it in this
lifetime, money in the bank, so Rachel and I broke up.
Carol: Oh God, Ross I am so sorry.
Ross: Yeah, well.
Carol: Y'know what, I want to talk to you about this so much, but we
should probably do it when we could really get into it, are you
free for dinner tomorrow night?
Ross: Oh yeah, I�d love that.
Carol: Oh, great! Me too.
Ross: I guess it all started when Rachel got this new job. (he sits
down at the table.)
[Scene: The rest stop, Phoebe is on the phone to the motor club.]
Phoebe: Okay, yeah. (to Monica and Rachel) Triple A can pick us up.
Rachel: Great!
Phoebe: Yeah, what town are we near?
Monica: Freemont. West-Westmont, ah Westburg?
Phoebe: (to Monica) Then why are you answering? Do you at least know
what route we�re on?
Rachel: Yeah, we are definitely on Route 27.
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) We are at a rest stop on Route 27. Okay. (to
Rachel) There is no Route 27. (listens) (to Rachel) Okay,
either 93 or 76?
Rachel: I don�t know, I�m sorry, I always slept in the back when we
drove up here.
Phoebe: Okay. (on phone) Hey, can you send somebody up and down 76
and check every rest stop, and, and also 93? (listens) Okay!
(hangs up) Yeah, no they don�t do that.
Rachel: Ugh, okay, well somebody will come and save us.
Monica: Who? I mean have you seen a car come by here in the last hour
and a half? I think we should call Ross, maybe he can get a
car and come pick us up.
Rachel: No! No, I am not getting in a car with Ross, we will just have
to live here!
Phoebe: But if...
Rachel: No you guys, I am not getting in a car with him, you�ll have
to think of something else.
Phoebe: Oh good, oh Joey and Chandler are back.
[Joey walks up helping Chandler.]
Monica: So the going for help went well?
Joey: Oh yeah, Smokey Joe here got half way to the highway and
collapsed.
Chandler: I have the lung capacity of a two year old. (starts to light
another cigarette.)
Monica: Then why are you smoking?
Chandler: Well it�s very unsettling.
[Scene: Carol and Susan�s, Ross is eating the dinner Carol made for
Susan.]
Ross: ....right? Right? I mean it�s pretty unbelievable y'know, I mean
they just took off, took off without even looking back. Y'know I
don�t, I don�t need them, huh, I�ve got you guys now as friends,
you and Susan.
Carol: Ah, Susan will be so pleased.
[Ross�s beeper goes off.]
Ross: (looking at the page) 717? (to Carol) Where�s 717? (He gets up
to return the page, Carol starts to take the last of the food
into the kitchen, but Ross grabs the last piece.) Hey, you�ve
have more of these for Susan right?
Carol: No. But it�s okay, I�ll just put out pickles or something.
[Cut to the rest stop, Monica and Phoebe are waiting anxiously by the
phone as it rings.]
Phoebe: (answering the phone) (whispering) Ross, thank God.
Ross: Pheebs? What, why are you whispering?
Phoebe: I ate a bug.
[Rachel starts to walk up.]
Monica: (running over to stop Rachel) Hey Rach, the tampons here are
only a penny. Let�s stock up. (takes her into the bathroom)
Phoebe: Listen Ross, we ran out of gas, and we don�t know where we
are, so we can�t get a tow truck.
Ross: Oh, now you want a favour?
Phoebe: Yes, please.
Ross: Well, oh, I�m sorry your car broke down Pheebs, but I�m a little
too busy with some of my real friends right now, but please call
to let me know you got home safely okay?
Carol: (running over and grabbing the phone away from Ross) (on phone)
Phoebe, hang on a second. (Hands Ross her keys) Here, take my
car, go pick up your friends.
Ross: No, I�m not gonna pick them up.
Carol: Listen, we both know you�re gonna do it �cause you�re not a
jerk. Okay? So you can either sulk here for a half hour and
then go pick them up, or save us both time and sulk in the car.
Ross: No, Rachel doesn�t want me to....
Carol: Look, I-I-I am sorry that Rachel dumped you �cause she fell in
love with that Mark guy, and you are the innocent victim in all
of this, but don�t punish your friends for what Rachel did to
you.
Ross: Yeah, you�re right.
Carol: (on phone) Phoebe hang on a second Ross wants to say something.
(listens) What? (listens) (to Ross) You slept with someone
else?!
Ross: We were on a break!!! Okay!! (grabs the phone) We were, we were..
., (calms down) yeah. Where are you? I�ll find you. (hangs up)
Carol: You slept with another woman?
Ross: Oh, you-you�re-you�re one to talk.
[Scene: The rest stop, Joey is making a sign.]
Joey: Okay, done.
Monica: (reading the sign) What�s �pleh�?
Joey: That�s �help� spelled backwards so that the helicopters can read
it from the air!
Monica: Huh. What�s doofus spelled backwards?
[Ross drives up.]
Rachel: (all excited) Op, op, car! Car!! (sees it�s Ross) Ugh!!!
Phoebe: Oh, it�s Ross on one of his drives!
Chandler and Joey: Hey!!
Phoebe: Hi!
Rachel: What is he doing here?!
Ross: He is saving your butt, ah, unless of course I�m stepping on
some toes here, in which case I can just mosey on, I�ve got
plenty of people to help on the Interstate.
All: No! Come on!
Rachel: All right!! Fine! Fine.
[Ross grabs the gas can he brought along, and walks through Joey�s
sign destroying it.]
Joey: Arrrghh!!
Chandler: Oh no, now it�s not gonna make any sense!
Phoebe: (to Chandler and Monica) You guys, what, what do we do about
Ross who drove all the way up here? What do we do? Just like
send him back and we�re then gonna go skiing?
Chandler: Oh, this is horrible, it�s just horrible.
Joey: Guys, do you think we should ask Ross to come along?
Monica: I know, what about Rachel? I mean how are we even gonna ask
her?
Rachel: Ask me what?
Monica: Umm, if ah, it might be okay if Ross came skiing?
Chandler, Phoebe, and Joey: No, I wasn�t gonna ask you that, no.
Rachel: You guys are unbelievable. No! He cannot come.
Ross: Excuse me?
Chandler: It�s horrible.
Ross: (sarcastic) Oh please, can�t I come to your special, magical
cabin?
Rachel: Why would you even want to come Ross? You�re a horrible skier.
Ross: Oh-oh, hitting me where it hurts, my ski skills.
Monica: Here we go again.
Joey: I-I can�t handle this, you guys.
Chandler: Y'know what, I can handle it, handle�s my middle name.
Actually it�s the ah, middle part of my first name.
Ross: All right Pheebs, your cab�s ready.
Rachel: All right, let�s go!
Ross: You�re welcome.
Rachel: Oh, I�m sorry, were you speaking to me or sleeping with
someone else?
Ross: We were on a break!
Rachel: Y'know Ross why don�t you put that on your answering machine!
Ross: Hey-hey, it�s valid okay? And I�m not the only one who thinks
so, Monica agrees with me.
Rachel: (to Monica) What?!
Monica: (shyly) I don�t know.
Ross: That�s what you said last night.
Monica: What I said was, was that I understood. Joey�s the one who
agreed with you!
Ross: Okay.
Rachel: Really Joey?
Joey: (pause) What?
Phoebe: Y'know what, but there is, there is no right or wrong, here.
Rachel: No, I think it�s very obvious who�s wrong here.
Ross: Obviously not to Joey.
[They all turn around and look at Joey.]
Joey: (pause) What?
[They all start fighting with each other.]
Ross: (to Rachel) Look both, Joey and Monica feel the same way that I
do. No-no-no-no.
Chandler: Guys, guys, guess who I am?! (starts dancing around in an
effort to stop the fighting.)
[They stop briefly to look at Chandler, but then start fighting again.]
Phoebe: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!! (they all stop fighting, Chandler
continues to dance.) Look what you�re doing to Chandler!!
(Chandler finally stops) (to Ross and Rachel) Yeah, look, we
know this is really, really hard for you guys. Okay? (Ross
starts to leave) You don�t, all right you don�t have to love
each other, okay? You don�t, you don�t even have to like each
other much right now. But please, you have to figure out a way
to be around each other.
Joey: Yeah, and not put us in the middle.
Phoebe: Yeah, otherwise, I mean that�s, that�s, that�s just it for us
hanging out together. Y'know is that what you want? (they both
look away) Can you be civil?
Rachel: Yeah.
Ross: I can.
Phoebe: Okay. Good, all right, let�s get back in the car, �cause it�s
freezing, and my chest is unsupported.
Joey: Oh what, wait, wait a second, I mean, what are we doing? Who�s
going with who?
Ross: Look, you guys, you guys should go. (Joey tries to say something,
but Ross cuts him off.) No, I�m, you, you planned this all out,
and I don�t want to ruin it, so you guys should just go.
Joey: Come on man, you drove all the way up here.
Ross: No, no, really, I�ve got to take the car back anyway, I�m
spending all day tomorrow with Ben, It�s fine, no guilt I
promise.
Rachel: Thank you.
Monica: All right, we�ll call you when we get back.
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: Maybe we can like go to a movie or something.
Ross: Okay.
Phoebe: Or, or the rodeo!!
Ross: That would be great.
Phoebe: Okay!
Chandler: I was being Shelly Winters from The Poseidon Adventure.
Ross: I know!
[They all get in the cab and drive away.]
Phoebe: Bye!!!
[Ross tries to start the truck, and discovers the battery�s dead.]
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Carol and Susan�s, Carol is running to answer the door.]
Carol: (looking through the peephole) Ugh. (opening the door) Ross!
Ross: (entering) Hi! Sorry I�m late. Were you sleeping?
Carol: Ahh, nooo!!
Ross: Oh, great! Listen, oh I had to get you a whole new battery. I
got you the best one I could, �cause that�s not where you want
to skimp.
Carol: You�re a genius, Ross.
Ross: Yeah, well it came to about $112, but what the hell, just call
it an even 110?
Carol: Okay, I�ll pay you tomorrow. (pushes him out the door)
Ross: Okay.
Carol: Okay, bye!!
Ross: So they ah, they all took off, it was pretty hard watching them
go, y'know?
Carol: Yeah, okay, bye. (closes the door, turns out the lights, and
runs back to the bedroom)
Ross: (outside the door) So I�m gonna take off then!
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