The One Without A Name... Yet
[Scene: Central Perk, the whole gang is there, Ross is telling a story
about what happened at work and the rest of the gang are thinking to
themselves, denoted by italics.]
Ross: So I told Carl, �Nobody, no matter how famous their parents are,
nobody is allowed to climb on the dinosaur.� But of course this
went in one ear and out.....
Rachel: I love how he cares so much about stuff. If I squint I can
pretend he�s Alan Alda.
Monica: Oh good, another dinosaur story. When are those gonna become
extinct?
Chandler: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible, that
would be the best.
Gunther: What does Rachel see in this guy? I love Rachel. I wish she
was my wife.
(Joey is singing in his head.)
Phoebe: Who�s singing?
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the whole gang is there including Janice,
they�re watching Happy Days.]
Ross: Hey. When you guys were kids and you played Happy Days, who were
you? I was always Richie.
Monica: I was always Joanne.
Joey: Question. Was ah, �Egg the Gellers!� the war cry of your
neighbourhood?
(A commercial for the Mattress King, Janice�s ex-husband, comes on TV.)
Phoebe: Ewww! Oh! It�s the Mattress King!
Joey: Booo!!
Chandler: (to Janice) Don�t look honey. Change the channel! Change the
channel!
Janice: Wait! Wait! I wanna see this. After I divorce him, half of
that kingdom is gonna be mine.
Matress King: (on TV) �Despair fills the mattress showroom. My kingdom
is suddenly without a queen. I�m so depressed I�m going to
slash... my prices!! Check it out! Four ninety-nine for a
pillow top queen set! I�m going medieval on prices!
Chandler: What a wank!
Janice: Oh, I cannot believe he�s using our divorce to sell mattresses.
Monica: I know! And four ninety-nine for a pillow top queen set, who
cares about the divorce, those babies will sell themselves.
(they all stare at her) And I�m appalled for you by the way.
Matress King: (on TV) I�m close. I�m cheap. I�m the king.
[Scene: Central Perk, Rachel is on the phone, everyone else is there
except Joey.]
Rachel: �Okay. (listens) Okay, daddy we�ll see you tomorrow night.
(listens) Okay bye-bye.� (hangs up)
Ross: We?
Rachel: Are ah, having dinner with my Dad tomorrow night, I hope that�s
okay.
Ross: Oh shoot, tomorrow�s not so good, I�m supposed to um, fall off
the Empire State building and land on a bicycle with no seat.
Sorry.
Rachel: Ross, my father doesn�t hate you.
Ross: Please, he refers to me as �wethead�.
Rachel: But honey he calls everybody by a nickname! Okay, look, I know,
all right, just one dinner, please, just one night for me,
please. I just want him to love you like I do. (Ross looks at
her) All right, well not exactly like I do, but, but, if you
do come to dinner, I�ll love you like I do in that black thing
that you like.
Chandler: (leaning in) I�ll go.
Ross: Fine.
Rachel: Thank you.
Ross: Hi Gunther.
Gunther: Yeah, we�ll see!
Joey: (entering) Hey, you guys!
Phoebe: Hey!
Joey: Guess what?
Ross: What?
Joey: I got a gig!
All: Yay!!
Chandler: See, that�s why I could never be an actor. Because I can�t
say gig.
Phoebe: Yeah, I can�t say croissant. (realises) Oh my God!
Monica: What�s the part?
Joey: Well, it�s not a part, no. I�m teaching acting for soap operas
down at the Learning Extension.
Ross: Come on! That�s great.
All: Wow!
Joey: Yeah, yeah. It�s like my chance to give something back to the
acting community.
Ross: Y�know your probably not allowed to sleep with any of your
students.
Joey: (glares at him) I know!
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica and Phoebe are shopping for a new
mattress.]
Phoebe: Ugh! I don�t know Monica. It feels funny just being here. I
mean if you buy a bed from Janice�s ex-husband, that�s like
betraying Chandler.
Monica: Not at these prices.
Phoebe: (sees a little kid playing with a race car bed) (to kid) Hi.
Y'know in England this car would be on the other side of the
store. (the kid just stares at her, and she makes the �that
went right over your head� motion) Woo!
Monica: (lying down on a mattress) Oh! Ohhhhh! Oh! Phoebe, come here.
Aw, this is my new bed. You gotta feel this bad boy.
Phoebe: Eh, Monica it, it feels so weird, y'know, Chandler�s your
friend... (hops onto the bed) Oh! Oh my God! Aw, all right
take this bed, you can make other friends.
[Scene: Classroom. Joey is writing his name on the board, but turns
around before he�s done which causes him to write his name with a
downward curve, and he then underlines it, and draws the line right
through his name.]
Joey: Good evening. I�m Mr. Tribbiani. And I will be teaching acting
for soap operas. Now um, on my first day as (proudly) Dr. Drake
Remoray on Days of Our Lives, (looks for a reaction from his
students, and gets none.) I learned that one of the most
important things in soap opera acting is reacting, this does not
mean acting again, it means, you don�t have a line, but someone
else just did. And it goes like this. (looks all intense for a
moment and then gasps, the students cheer him) Thanks, thanks,
a lot. Oh, by the way, before I forget to work in soap operas
some of you will have to become much more attractive. All right,
moving right along.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Joey is entering, Phoebe is already there
waiting for the delievery guy.]
Joey: Hi!
Phoebe: Hey! Ooh! How was teaching last night?
Joey: Oh it was great. Yeah, you get to say stuff like, �Hey, the bell
doesn�t dismiss you, I dismiss you.�
Phoebe: Ooooh, nice.
Joey: Oh, and guess what, I got an audition for All My Children.
Phoebe: Oh, yay!
Joey: Yeah, it�s this great part, this boxer named Nick. And I�m so,
so right for it, y'know, he�s just like me. Except he�s a boxer,
and has an evil twin.
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe: Oh. (goes and answers the door and there is this huge black
delievery guy.)
Guy: Dom da-da dom! Here ye! Here ye! Delivery from the Mattress King. (to Phoebe) You Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Okay.
Guy: Sign here. (hands her a clipboard)
Phoebe: Oh, do I have a middle name. All right Monica Velula Geller.
It�s that bedroom there. (points to Monica�s room)
Joey: Hey, Monica bought a bed from the Mattress King?
Phoebe: Yeah, so please, please, please, don�t say anything to Chandler.
Joey: You want me to lie to Chandler?
Phoebe: Is that a problem?
Joey: No.
Phoebe: Oh, hey, hey Nick the boxer let�s see what you got. All right
ya, put �em up. Come on. (they start shadow boxing)
Joey: Hey, you�re ah, pretty good at this.
Phoebe: Yeah, well I had to learn, I was staying at the Y and some off
the young men weren�t acting Christian enough.
Joey: Ahh!
(Joey throws a punch and just lightly taps her on the shoulder, Phoebe
counters with a jab to the nose.)
Joey: Hey now!
(Phoebe throws another jab, and lands it on Joey�s nose, causing it to
bleed.)
Joey: Hey!!! Oww!! And I�m bleeding.
Phoebe: Oh! Oh! Oh!
Joey: Okay, great.
Phoebe: Wow! And I�m a vegetarian! All right, all right, well I�m sorry,
we�ll put some ice on it.
Joey: Okay.
Phoebe: �Kay, put your head back.
Joey: All right. I can�t see.
Phoebe: All right, I have ya. Oh God.
Guy: Which bedroom do ya want it in Miss Geller?
Phoebe: Oh, it�s the compulsively neat one by the window, okay.
Guy: Gotcha. (he and his helper walk in carrying the racecar bed.)
[Scene: Restaurant, Rachel and Ross and Dr. Green are having dinner.]
Rachel: Hi Daddy!
Dr. Green: This where they put it? What, there no table available in
the kitchen! Hello, baby.
Rachel: You remember Ross.
Dr. Green: Um-hmm.
Ross: Nice to see you again Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: So! (they both try to sit next to Rachel but Dr. Green is
successful.) (to Ross) How�s the library?
Ross: Ugh, museum.
Dr. Green: What happened to the library?
Ross: There never was a library. I mean there are libraries, its just
that I ah, I never worked at one.
Dr. Green: You know what�s really good here, the lobster. What do you
say shall I just order three.
Ross: Yeah, if you�re really hungry. (Dr. Green stares at him) It was
a joke, I made a joke.
Rachel: Yeah, actually Daddy Ross is allergic to lobster.
Dr. Green: What kind of person is allergic to lobster? I guess the
kind of person that works at a library.
Ross: It�s not a library...
Dr. Green: (interrupting him) I know!! It�s a museum! What, you�re the
only one around here who can make a joke! At least mine was
funny. Ah, waiter, we will have two lobsters and a menu.
(nods at Ross, and mouths I don�t know to the waiter.)
[Scene: After dinner.]
Ross: So, Dr. Green, how�s the old boat.
Dr. Green: They found rust. You know what rust does to a boat?
Ross: It gives it a nice antiquey look.
Dr. Green: (he stares at Ross) Rust, is boat cancer, Ross.
Ross: Wow. I�m sorry, when I was a kid I lost a bike to that. (Rachel
giggles at that)
Dr. Green: Excuse me for a moment, will you please, I want to say good
night to the Levines, before we go.
Rachel: Okay.
Ross: Okay! (picks up a knife and pretends to stab his heart.)
Rachel: Aw honey stop! It�s not that bad.
Ross: Yeah. (sees the bill) Op! Uh-oh! I think your Dad must�ve added
wrong. He only tipped like four percent.
Rachel: Yeah. That�s Daddy.
Ross: That�s Daddy?! But doesn�t it bother you? You�re a waitress.
Rachel: Yes, it bothers me Ross, but y'know if he was a regular at the
coffee house, I�d be serving him sneezers.
Ross: So?
Rachel: So. Ross, I�ve bugged him about this a million times, he�s not
gonna change.
Ross: You really serve people sneezers?
Rachel: Well um, I don�t.
Dr Green: You kids ready?
Ross: Thanks again, Dr. Green.
Dr. Green: All right.
(Ross takes a twenty and slips it underneath the bill when Dr. Green
isn�t looking.)
Dr. Green: Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, I think I forgot my receipt.
Ross: Oh, ah, you don�t need that.
Dr. Green: Why not?
Ross: The carbon, it�s messy, I mean it gets on your fingers and causes,
the, the ah, night blindness.
Dr. Green: (gets his receipt and notices the twenty) What is this? Who
put a twenty down here? Huh?
Ross: Oh, yeah, that would be me, um, I have, I have a problem I-I tip
way too much, way, way, too much, it�s a sickness really.
Rachel: Yeah it is, it is. (to Ross) We really, really have to do
something about that.
Ross: I know.
Dr. Green: Excuse me, you think I�m cheap?
Rachel: Oh Daddy, no he didn�t mean anything by that, he really didn�t.
Ross: Nothing I do means anything, really.
Dr. Green: This is nice. I pay two hundred dollars for dinner, you put
down twenty, and you come out looking like Mr. Big Shot.
You really want to be Mr. Big Shot? Here, I�ll tell you what,
you pay the whole bill, Mr. Big Shot, all right. (rips up
the bill, and throws it at Ross, then leaves)
Ross: Well Mr. Big Shot is better than �wethead�.
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is lecturing on facial expressions.]
Joey: Okay, some tricks of the trade. Now, I�ve never been able to cry
as an actor, so if I�m in a scene where I have to cry, I cut a
hole in my pocket, take a pair of tweezers, and just start
pulling. Or ah, or, let�s say I wanna convey that I�ve just done
something evil. That would be the basic �I have a fishhook in my
eyebrow and I like it� (Does it by raising one eyebrow, and
showing off the pretend fishhook.) Okay, let�s say I�ve just
gotten bad news, well all I do there is try and divide 232 by
13. (looks all confused) And that�s how it�s done. Great soap
opera acting tonight everybody, class dismissed.
Student: Hey, Mr. Trib.
Joey: Hey-hey.
Student: Guess what, I got an audition!
Joey: Awww, one of my students got an audition. I�m so proud.
Student: I was wondering if you would consider coaching me for it?
Joey: You bet! What�s the part?
Student: Oh it�s great, it�s a role on All My Children, Nick the boxer.
(Joey does the �232 divided by 13 bad news� look.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Hallway, Ross and Rachel are returning from dinner.]
Rachel: You had to do it, didn�t you? You couldn�t just leave it alone.
Ross: Four percent. Okay. I tip more than that when there�s a bug in
my food.
Rachel: Ross, tonight was about the two of you getting along. (Ross
groans and rubs his neck) Oh, would you just see my
chiropractor, already.
Ross: Yeah, I�m gonna go to a doctor who went to school in a mini-mall.
(they go into Monica and Rachel�s, and see Phoebe hopping around.)
Ross: Hey Pheebs, what are you doing?
Phoebe: I�m, I�m freaking out! Monica kinda trusted me with something
and she shouldn�t have! All right, I haven�t lived here in a
while, so I have to ask you something. Does Monica still turn
on the lights in her bedroom?
Rachel: Um. yeah.
Phoebe: I am soo dead. (goes to Monica�s room)
Rachel: All right, look, here�s the bottom line Ross, this is fixable,
if we act fast, okay. So, I�ll invite him to brunch tomorrow
and you can make nice.
Ross: Look, honey, I have tried to make nice, it doesn�t work.
Rachel: Okay, look, Ross, I realise that my Father is difficult, but
that�s why you have got to be the bigger man here.
Ross: Look sweetie, I could be the bigger man, I could be the biggest
man, I could be a big, huge, giant man, and it still wouldn�t
make any difference, except that I could pick your Father up and
say �Like me! Like me tiny doctor!�
Rachel: Okay, well can�t you just try it one more time Ross? For me?
For me?
Ross: Rachel one brunch is not gonna solve anything. You gotta face it,
okay we�re never gonna get along.
Rachel: Okay, well you are just gonna have too, okay. Because I already
got a Mother and a Father who cannot stay in the same room
together, okay, I don�t wanna have to have a separate room for
you too!! (starts to cry)
Ross: Okay, okay, okay. (hugs her) I�ll get the bagels.
[Scene: Monica�s bedroom, Phoebe is trying to hide the bed from Monica.]
Monica: (sees the bed) What�s this?
Phoebe: Isn�t it cool! Varoom! Varoom!
Monica: This is not the bed I ordered!
Phoebe: I know, you must�ve won like a contest or something!
(Phoebe starts to make a sound like a car accelerating)
Monica: Phoebe!
(Phoebe makes a sound like a car screeching to a halt.)
Monica: Why is this car in my bedroom?
Phoebe: I�m sorry, okay, I-I wasn�t looking, and the store says that
they won�t take it back because you signed for it...
Monica: When did I sign for it?
Phoebe: When I was you! Y'know what, it�s all Joey�s fault, �cause he
left his nose open!
Monica: Did you make brownies today?
Chandler: Knock, knock.
Monica: (to Phoebe) Quick, take off your dress, he won�t notice the
bed.
Chandler: Hey, I�m going for sushi does anybody want.. (enters and
sees the bed) Whoa-whoa, somebody missed the off ramp.
Phoebe: It�s Monica�s bed. What?
Chandler: Okay. (to Monica) It�s a racecar.
Phoebe: So. This has always been Monica�s bed, what you�re just
noticing now, how self-involved are you?
Chandler: Okay, well it this bed isn�t new, how come there is plastic
on the mattress?
Monica: Sometimes I have bad dreams. (starts to break down, and Phoebe
offers her, her hand to comfort her.)
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is coaching his student.]
Student: Look, I just saw my best friends brains smeared across the
canvas, that�s not gonna be me, not me.
Joey: Wow! That was good. That was...(points to his pocket) Tweezers?
Student: No.
Joey: Whoa. That was really good.
Student: Thanks, any suggestions?
(Joey gets the evil look on his face.)
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Monica, and Phoebe are there, yelling
at Joey.]
Chandler: You told him to play the boxer gay!!
Joey: Well, I-I might�ve said supergay.
Chandler: You totally screwed him over.
Monica: Joey, you�re this guy�s teacher. I mean how could you do this?
Joey: Because, Monica, the guy�s so good, and I really, really want
this part.
Phoebe: Well, if you really, really want it, then it�s okay.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is greeting her Father for their
brunch.]
Rachel: (opening the door) Hi Daddy.
Dr. Green: Baby. Ross.
Ross: Dr. Green. How are you? (offers his hand, and Dr. Green puts his
scarf on it.)
Dr. Green: Thanks for dinner last night.
Ross: Thank you for teaching me a valuable lesson.
Dr. Green: Nice hair. What�d ya do? Swim here?
Ross: (to Rachel) Okay, that�s it, I can�t take it anymore.
Rachel: What? What? He�s interested in you. He-he likes your hair, he
just wants to know how you got here.
Ross: Oh, please. Sweetie it�s hopeless, okay, I�m just gonna go.
(starts to leave rubbing his neck)
Rachel: What?!
Ross: Look, look I�m sorry. It�s just that....
Dr. Green: Ross? What�s with the neck?
Rachel: He�s got this thing. And I keep telling him to go to my
chiropractor...
Dr. Green: You�re still going to that chiropractor, that man couldn�t
get into medical school in Extapa!
Ross: Thank you! That�s what I keep saying.
Rachel: Excuse me, Dr. Bobby happens to be an excellent doctor.
Ross: Uh.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, his name is Dr. Bobby?
Rachel: Well that�s his last name.
Ross: And his first name.
Dr. Green: He�s Bobby Bobby?
Rachel: It�s Robert Bobby.
Dr. Green: Oh.
Rachel: And um, excuse me, he helps me.
Ross: Oh-ho please. Ask her how?
Dr. Green: What do you need help for?
Rachel: With my alignment. I�ve got one leg shorter than the other.
Dr. Green: Oh God!
Ross: Argue with that.
Rachel: What? It�s true, my right leg is two inches shorter.
Dr. Green: Come on! You�re just titling! (to Ross) Her legs are fine!
Ross: I know that!
Dr. Green: So, why do you let her go to a chiropractor for?
Rachel: I�m sorry, let her?
Ross: What can I do, she doesn�t listen to me about renter�s insurance
either.
Dr. Green: Wait a minute, you don�t have renter�s insurance?!
Rachel: No.
Dr. Green: Well what if somebody steals something? How are you gonna
run after him with one leg shorter than the other?!
(Both he and Ross start laughing)
Ross: Hey, would you ah, would you like some juice?
Dr. Green: I�d love some juice. Thanks.
Ross: Okay. (to Rachel) Wow! This is going so well. Did you see us?
Did you see?
Rachel: Yeah honey, I�m standing right there! Why didn�t you just tell
him about the mole I haven�t got checked yet.
Ross: Excellent!
[Scene: Classroom, Joey is talking to his students.]
Joey: (sadly) There will come a time in each of your careers when
you�ll have a chance to screw over another soap opera actor. I
had such an opportunity in the recent, present. And I�m ashamed
to say that I took it, I advised a fellow actor to play a role,
homosexually. Yeah, we both auditioned for the part, and uh, as
it turned out, they ah, they liked the stupid gay thing and cast
him. And now, he�s got a two year contract opposite Susan Luchhi,
the first lady of daytime television, and me, me I�m stuck here
teaching a bunch of people, most of whom are too ugly to even be
on TV. I�m sorry, I�m sorry, I�m sorry. (he gets a huge round of
applause from his students.) Thank you.
[Scene: Mattress King, Monica is trying to return her bed.]
Jester: Uh, may I help you?
Monica: Yeah, I talked to you on the phone, I�m the lady that got
stuck with the racecar bed.
Jester: Look, it�s like I told you, there�s nothing I can do. You
signed for it, Monica Velula Geller.
Joey: All right, Jester man, look we wanna see the king.
Jester: Nobody sees the king!
Joey: Oh-ho-kay, I�m talking to the king. (starts to go to a back
room)
Jester: Hey! You can�t go back there!
(Joey goes to the door, but stops and looks through the window at
Janice and the Mattress King, her ex-husband, kissing.)
Janice: Oh my God.
(Joey fakes a scream.)
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica�s bedroom, Chandler is playing with the bed.]
Chandler: Varrrrrroom! Hey! Watch it lady! Varrrrrrrrrrom! (makes a
screeching sound as he pretends to stomp on the brakes.)
Hey-hey good lookin�! (honks the bed�s little horn on the
steering wheel.) Varrrrrrrrroom. (notices Rachel and stops)
All right, I�ll leave. My bed�s so boring.
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