Funny Joke/Picture/Story of the Day

Tuesday, September 5th
Error Messages That I Understand:

Thursday, September 7th
A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" The bird said, "You know."

Monday, September 11th
The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS. He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES. The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE.

Tuesday, September 12th
A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong. "The bus driver insulted me," she fumed. The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers." "You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind." "That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

Wednesday, September 13th
A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. A couple days before the cruise, the travel agent calls and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead. The guy says "OK," and goes to the pharmacy to buy three Dramamine and three condoms. Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five-day cruise. The guy says he'll take it. Returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise. Guy says, "OK," and goes back to the drug store and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms. Finally, the pharmacist asks, "Look, if it makes you sick, how come you keep doing it?"

Thursday, September 14th
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She turns and says, "You've got to make love to me -- thisvery moment." His eyes light up and he thinks, "This is my lucky day." Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives ithis all on the kitchen table. Afterwards she says, "Thanks," and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzled, he asks, "What was that all about?" She explains, "The egg timer's broken."

Friday, September 15th

Daddy, look at the kittens!

Monday, September 25th
How all American business phones should be answered:
GOOD MORNING, WELCOME TO THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. Press "1" for English. Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English.

Tuesday, September 26th
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into WalMart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?" The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?" "No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.�

Wednesday, September 27th
A reason to be glad winter is coming...

Thursday, September 28th
A new family moved into a neighborhood of new homes and next to a vacant lot. One day soon thereafter, a construction crew showed up to start building a new house at the site. The family's 5 year old daughter naturally took an interest in all the new activity going on next door and spent much of each day going over to observe the workers. Eventually, the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee or lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they presented her with a pay envelope containing a couple of dollars. The little girl took this home and told her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the "two dollar pay" she had received to the bank to start a savings account. When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had gotten a "pay envelope" at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked this last week with the crew building the house next door to us." "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house this next week, too?" The little girl proudly replied, "I will if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking dry wall......."

Friday, September 29th