Funny Joke/Picture/Story of the Day

Thursday, September 1st
Man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?" The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?" She replies "because you're ugly."

Friday, September 2nd
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him, " You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30a.m., When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a budge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, "Wear your sweater."

Tuesday, September 6th
"Dear Reyer School, God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, so naturally I told her to go fuck herself."
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston

Wednesday, September 7th
Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms. The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three, uhh..." In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf, "So how was it?" The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night." The second dwarf says, "You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed."

Thursday, September 8th
There was a guy sitting at a bar having a beer. Up walks a so called "lady of the night". She says, "For $300.00, I'll do anything you want." Our fine lad thinks for a moment then says: Ok. Paint my house, bitch!

Friday, September 9th
The three biggest lies in the world are:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I had a flat tire.
3. I won't come in your mouth.

Monday, September 12th
You might be a child of the 80s if ... (new ones)
1. You remember the days when "safe sex" meant "my parents are gone for the weekend". (funny because it's true)
2. (mostly guys on this one) Sex is still as much fun as it used to be, and you're still really interested in it, but you just want to make sure there's nothing really good on cable that you'd be missing first.

Tuesday, September 13th
You are having lunch with your new boss, talking about the decision paper you wrote. During the conservation, a blonde walks into the dining area and she is so stunning you draw your boss's attention to her. Having his complete attention, you give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone in a motel room. She walks over to the table and introduces herself as your boss's daughter. Your next move is:
1. Ask for her hand in marriage.
2. Pretend you've forgotten how to speak English.
3. Repeat the conservation to the daughter and hope for the best.

Wednesday, September 14th
Men's Rules for Women
1. It is only common courtesy that you should leave the seat on the toilet up when you are done.
2. If you are cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.
3. Don't make him hold your purse in the mall.
4. Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.
5. Shopping is not fascinating.
6. When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
a. Unless the answer is yes.
b. In which case, can he videotape it?
c. If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.
7. The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.
8. Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.
9. Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.
10. Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.
11. Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.
12. He heard you the first time.
13. You know, you can ask him out too... Let's spread the rejection around a little.
14. If you truly want honesty, don't ask questions you don't really want the answer to.
15. Of course he wants another beer.
16. The guy doesn't always have to sleep on the wet spot.
17. Dogs good. Cats bad.
18. Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny.
19. If he has to sit through "Legends of the Fall", you have to sit through "Showgirls".
20. "Fine." is not an acceptible way to end an argument.
21. Do not question a man's innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.
22. He was not looking at that other girl. Well, okay... maybe a little. Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...
23. He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met. a) And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.
24. Your (select appropriate item:) butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.
25. If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm.
26. It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.
27. Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.
28. Two words: blow job. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
29. Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.
30. Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you're with.
31. Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.
32. His (fill in appropriate selections:) bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.
33. Don't hog the covers.
34. Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that...
35. He does not just want to be friends.
36. A successful date always starts with the woman uttering the sentence: "You know, why don't we just skip the expensive dinner and stay here having freaky circus sex all night?"

Thursday, September 15th
Women's Rules For Men
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes." Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
6. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
7. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
8. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
9. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.
10. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
11. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
12. Her cooking is excellent. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
13. Dish soap is your friend.
14. Hat does not equal shower, after-shave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
15. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
16. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
17. Two words: clean socks.
18. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're all sweaty.
19. Burping is not sexy.
20. You're wrong.
21. You're sorry.
22. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is. Ditto for your discourse on football.
23. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
24. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
25. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
26. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
27. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
28. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
29. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
30. Don't tell her you love her if you don't. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
31. Always, always suck up to her brother.
32. Think boxers. Silk boxers.
33. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so names.
34. Don't try to change the way she dresses. Her haircut is never bad.
35. Don't let your friends pick on her.
36. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit on your butt in the waiting room, smoking cigars, isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

Friday, September 16th
On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher. The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said "I bet I know what it is � it's some flowers!" "That's right!" shouted the little boy. Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said "I bet I know what it is � it's a box of candy!" "That's right!" shouted the little girl. The next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy answered. ''What is it?" "A puppy!"

Tuesday, September 20th

Wednesday, September 21st
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"

Thursday, September 22nd
In a small school just outside Minneapolis, a first grade teacher explained to her class that she was a GINORMOUS Vikings fan. She asked her students to raise their hands if they too were Vikings fans. Not really knowing what a "Vikings fan" was, but wanting to be liked by their new teacher, all of their hands flew into the air. There was however, one exception. A little boy named Timmy had not gone along with the crowd. The teacher then asked him why he decided to be different from the rest of the class. "Because I am not a Vikings fan," said Timmy. "Oh?", the teacher responds, "what are you then?" Timmy stands and proudly proclaims, "I'm a Green Bay Packers fan!!" The teacher is a bit perturbed now, her facing turning slightly red. She proceeds to ask Timmy why he is a Packers fan. "Well, my Mom and Dad are both Packer fans, so I'm a Packers fan too," responds Timmy. This infuriates the teacher, so she says, "Thats no reason!!....(voice escalating) What if your Mom was a moron and your dad was an idiot?!?!?!". Little Timmy smiled and replies, "Then I'd be a Vikings fan".

Friday, September 23rd
The phone rang at the motor pool and an authoritative voice demanded to know how many vehicles were operational. Jim answered, ''We've got twelve trucks, ten utilities, three staff cars and that Bentley the fat-arsed colonel swanks around in.'' There was a stony silence for a second or two. ''Do you know who you are speaking to?'' ''No,'' said Paddy. ''It is the so-called fat-arsed colonel you so insubordinately referred to.'' ''Well, do you know who you are talking to?'' ''No,'' roared the colonel. ''Well thank goodness for that,'' said Paddy as he hung up the phone.

Monday, September 26th
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" "Ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." [dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The pastor said, "That's so sad I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

Tuesday, September 27th

Do you feel like this at the end of a bad day?

Wednesday, September 28th

Friday, September 30th
1. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
2. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
3. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.