Funny Joke/Picture/Story of the Day

Tuesday, November 1st
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem. The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification. After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied... "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"

Monday, November 7th
Ever wondered what it would be like if Dear Abby were a male?
Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband wants a threesome with my best friend and me. What do you think I should do?
A: Obviously your husband cannot get enough of you! Knowing that there is only one of you he can only settle for the next best thing -- your best friend! Far from being an issue, this can bring you closer together. Why not get some of your old college roommates involved too? If you are still apprehensive, maybe you should let him be with your friends without you. If you're still not sure then just perform oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal (while you think about it) .
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Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex on him. What should I do? A: Do it. Sperm can help you lose weight and gives a great glow to your skin. Interestingly, men know this. His offer to allow you to perform oral sex on him is totally selfless. This shows he loves you. The best thing to do is to thank him by performing it twice a day, then cook him a nice meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband has too many nights out with the boys. Is this acceptable? A: This is perfectly natural behavior and it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. A night out chasing young single girls is a great stress relief and can foster a more peaceful and relaxing home. Remember, nothing can rekindle your relationship better than the man being away for a day or two (it's a great time to clean the house too)! Just look at how emotional and happy he is when he returns to his stable home. The best thing to do when he gets home is for you and your best friend to perform oral sex on him. Then cook him a nice meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband doesn't know where my clitoris is.
A: Your clitoris is of no concern to your husband. If you must mess with it, do it in your own time or ask your best friend to help. You may wish to videotape yourself while doing this, and present it to your husband as a birthday gift. To ease your selfish guilt, perform oral sex on him and cook him a delicious meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband is uninterested in foreplay. Should I mention something to him?
A: You are a bad person for bringing it up and should seek sensitivity training. Foreplay to a man is very stressful and time consuming. Sex should be available to your husband on demand with no pesky requests for foreplay. What this means is that you do not love your man as much as you should - he should never have to work to get you in the mood. Stop being so selfish! Perhaps you can make it up to him by performing oral sex on him and cook him a nice meal.
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Dear Mr. Abby:
My husband always has an orgasm then rolls over and goes to sleep while never giving me one.
A: I'm not sure I understand the problem. Perhaps you've forgotten to cook him a nice meal.

Tuesday, November 8th
THE PERFECT DRESS!!! Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied. Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Never mind, sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her Mother just smiled and replied, "Of course, I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding!"

Wednesday, November 9th
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"
Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Monday, November 14th

Tuesday, November 15th
A husband was in big trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife told him "Tomorrow there better be something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat". The next morning the wife found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Friday, November 18th

Monday, November 21st

Wednesday, November 23rd
A couple of geezers were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home, having a little chat. "How are you, Tom?" asked Marvin. "I'm not feeling well today - utterly exhausted," Tom replied. "I pulled a muscle and it's killing me." "That pulled muscle shouldn't make you so tired, though." "Well, it does if you pull it a couple of hundred times...."

Wednesday, November 30th

I dare you to sit!