Funny Joke/Picture/Story of the Day

Wednesday, July 20th
A small business owner was faced with the problem of having to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he had to fire one of his employees. He looked in his files and saw that his newest employees were Diane and Jack. Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire. Finally he decided that he would fire the first one he saw taking a break. About ten minutes later he saw Diane leaning against the wall next to the water cooler. He walked over to her with a serious look on his face and said, "Diane, it seems as though I'm going to have to either lay you or Jack off." Diane looked at her employer and said, "Well, you're going to have to jack off because I have a headache."

Thursday, July 21st
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts. "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says, angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine." Then his wife asks, "Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so." "Fine." She says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They are about to break." "I'm not a damm carpenter and I don't fix steps," He sayd. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so." "I've had enough of you," he said, "I'm going to the bar!" So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. Soon he starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decides to go home. As he walks up to the house he notices that the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer he noitces the fridge door is fixed. "Honey," he asks, "how'd all this get fixed?" She said, "Well, after you left I sat outside and cried. Then a nice young man came along and asked me what was wrong. I told him and he offered to do all the repairs and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake." The husband said, "So what kind of cake did you bake?" She replied, "Helloooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker Written on my forehead? I don't think so."

Monday, July 25th
A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 AM, at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and, sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible. Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replied. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aid's stuck to the mirror."

Tuesday, July 26th
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no feet. Surprised he mutters "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?" The parrot says "With my prick, you dummy." The guy is startled and says "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says "Of course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics, sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says "Gee, you sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says "There's not much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20 for me I'll bet he'll sell me." The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great. When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so and so. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says "Come in and shut the door." The guy says "What's up?" The parrot says "I don't know how to tell you this but the mail man came today. Your wife answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips." The guy says "Oh, A momentary flight of passion." The parrot says "Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says "He did?" The parrot says "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her breasts." The guy says "My God, what happened next?" The parrot says "I don't know. I got a hard on and fell off my perch."

Wednesday, July 27th
A woman is in a coma. Nurses are in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them is washing her "private area" and notices that there is a response on the monitor when she's touched there. So they go to her husband and explain what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma." The husband is skeptical, but they assure him that they'll close the curtains for privacy. Anything is worth a try, the husband thinks so he finally agrees and goes into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor shows a flatline...no pulse...no heart rate. The nurses run into the room. The husband is standing there, pulling up his pants, says "I think she choked."

Thursday, July 28th
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?," the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. After considering the position he is in, the man replies "OK. How much?" "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?," the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove? " the little boy asks. "OK. How much?," the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey son, go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?," asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness," the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that crap in here now," the priest replies.

Friday, July 29th
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter." Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog. Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No." Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks -- let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" he asks the frog. Frog rolls his eyes, and shouts back again, "No!" Twitch -- the guy's down to 15 inches. Well that's still a bit excessive, he thinks. Down another 5 would be perfect. So he calls across again, "Will you marry me?" Frog yells back, "Look - how many times do I have to tell you? No. No.NO!"