Funny Joke/Picture/Story of the Day

Thursday, February 2nd
A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods and scratched your butt and felt vasoline, would you tell anyone?"
"Hell no!" the guy said.
The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone?"
The man said, "Of course not."
"Wanna go camping?"

Thursday, February 9th

Look who's in the background of your family picture

Friday, February 10th
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8.00 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary, and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until 8.00 p.m." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!!"

Monday, February 13th
A grandmother was pushing her grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, >"And here's something for you, Diploma," or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma," and so on. Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?" The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to college and this is what she came home with!"

Tuesday, February 14th
On their first night together, the newly weds decided to set up signals concerning their "urges". The lady said "If you want it, squeeze my BOOB once, if you don't want it, squeeze my BOOB twice." The gent said "OK, if you want it, pull my DONG once, if you don't want it, pull my DONG 48 times."

Wednesday, February 15th
DON'T CALL HOME FOR MONEY!
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?" He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs.." "Well," said the! boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy, "don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." "Oh my Goodness!," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did." (Are women good or what?)

Thursday, February 16th

Pictures that Make you Smile

Friday, February 17th
One Sunday morning Joe burst into the living room and said, "Dad, Mom, I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, Joe's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." Joe was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Dianne said yes! We are getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, Joe, I am very sorry about this." Joe was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I am never going to get married", he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister." His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

Monday, February 20th
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from any particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit. So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!" Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the Sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. The first floor has wives that love sex. The second floor has wives that love sex and have money. The third through sixth floors have never been visited.

Tuesday, February 21st
Q. Why is the section of body between a womans breasts and her crotch called a waste?
A. You could fit another pair of breasts there.

Wednesday, February 22nd
A black guy walks into a tavern with a parrot on his shoulder...the bartender looks up and says "where the hell did you get that thing?" The Parrot replies "Over in Africa, there's millions of them!"

Thursday, February 23rd
Q: Why are women so bad at mathematics?
A: Because men keep telling them that this |<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

Friday, February 24th

8 Words With 2 Meanings

Monday, February 27th
How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

Tuesday, February 28th

Ever wondered?