Funny Joke/Picture/Story of the Day

Wednesday, April 5th
There's an old man laying on the beach naked and a little girl was passing by; she stops and stares at the man and asked mister what is that? The man says "what?" the little girl says, "that between your legs", the man says "oh that, well the thing that is standing is the bird, the two things on the side are the eggs, and the thing around it is the nest, ok?" the old man asked her to leave so he can get some sun; he falls asleep and when he wakes up there are peramedics around him. He asked what happened and the peramedic said ask the little girl, the old man calls her over and she said, "when you went to sleep I tried to make the bird fly - I pulled and pulled but he got big and spit at me so I kicked the bird, smashed the eggs and burned the nest."

Thursday, April 6th
At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a big party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying; they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The Professor agreed they could make up the final the next day. The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought! Each one in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy. Then they turned the page... On the second page was written: "For 95 points: Which tire?"

Friday, April 7th
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact, it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up. The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One" said the young salesman. "Only one" blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "One hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars" said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?" "No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him,"Your weekend's fucked, you may as well go fishing."

Tuesday, April 11th

Thursday, April 13th
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
-Take off clothing and place in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
-Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
-If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
-Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make a mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
-Get in shower.
-Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah wide lafah and pumice stone.
-Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
-Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
-Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with real passion fruit.
-Wash your face with crushed apricot facial al scrub for 10 minutes until red.
-Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
-Rinse conditioner off hair.
-Shave armpits and legs.
-Turn off shower. -Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower.
-Spray mold spots with Tilex.
-Get out of shower and stand on bathmat.
-Dry with towel the size of a small country.
-Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
-Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
-If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
-Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
-Walk naked to the bathroom.
-If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her, making the 'woo-woo' sound.
-Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
-Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
-Get in the shower.
-Wash your face.
-Wash your armpits.
-Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
-Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
-Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
-Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
-Wash your hair.
-Make a shampoo Mohawk.
-Pee.
-Rinse off and get out of shower.
-Avoid bathmat.
-Dry off forearms and butt only.
-Fail to notice water on floor, because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
-Admire wiener size in mirror again.
-Shake it to watch water fly off.
-Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
-Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
-If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
-Throw wet towel on bed.

Monday, April 17th
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, and fishing, always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Tuesday, April 18th
In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:
1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO
2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.
3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.
4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.
5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.
6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)
7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.
8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.
9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?
10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.
11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)
12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)
13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)
14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)
16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)
17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)
18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)
19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)
20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)
21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.
23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.
24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.
25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.
26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

Wednesday, April 19th
A man decided that he was going to ride a 10-speed bike from Phoenix to Flagstaff. He got as far as Black Canyon City before the mountains justbecame too much and he could go no farther. He stuck his thumb out, but after 3 hours hadn't gotten a single person to stop. Finally, a guy in a Corvette pulled over and offered him a ride. Of course, the bike wouldn't fit in the car. The owner of the Corvette found a piece of rope lying by the highway and tied it to his bumper. He tied the other end to the bike and told the man that if he was going too fast, to honk the horn on his bike and that he would slow down. Everything went fine for the first 30 miles. Suddenly, another Corvette blew past them. Not to be outdone, the Corvette pulling the biketook off after the other. A short distance down the road, the Corvettes, both going well over 120 mph, blew through a speed trap. The police officer noted the speeds from his radar gun and radioed to the other officer that he had two Corvettes headed his way at over 120 mph. He then relayed, "...and you're not going to believe this, there is a guy on a bike honking his horn trying to pass..."

Thursday, April 20th

A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma," she says in a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today."

Tuesday, April 25th
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so, of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. "Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night... Thought you might like to come. About 5:00." "Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you......be some drinkin'." "Not a problem" says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em." Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too." "Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there, Thanks again." "More'n likely be some wild sex, too." "Now that's really not a problem" says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" "Don't much matter ..... Just gonna be the two of us."

Thursday, April 27th
[Scene: Rachel and Monica's, everyone is getting ready to go to a banquet] Joey: All right they got water, orange juice, and what looks like cider. (takes a glass from the fridge.) Chandler: Taste it. Joey: (drinks from the glass and puts it back in the fridge) Yep, it's fat. I drank fat! Chandler: Yeah, I know, I did that two minutes ago. Ross: (entering) Hey! Chandler: Hey, mister tux! Ross: Why aren't you guys dressed? Joey: We have a half hour. Ross: No, four minutes ago you had a half hour, we have to be out the door at twenty to eight. Joey: Relax Ross, we'll be ready. It only takes us two minutes to get dressed. Ross: Well, you know, I'd feel a whole lot better if you got dressed now. Chandler and Joey: Okay. (they don't move) Chandler: (entering from bathroom, with an issue of Cosmo) All right, I took the quiz, and it turns out, I do put career before men. (to Joey) Get up. Joey: What? Chandler: You're in my seat. Joey: How is this your seat? Chandler: 'Cause I was sitting there. Joey: But then you left. Chandler: Well, it's not like I went to Spain. I went to the bathroom, you knew I was coming back. Joey: What's the big deal, sit somewhere else. Chandler: The big deal is I was sitting there last, so, that's my seat. Joey: Well, actually the last place you were sitting was in there (points to the bathroom). Soo... Ross: You guys, you know what, you know what, it doesn't matter, because you both have to go get dressed before the big vain in my head pops. So.. Chandler: All right, Ross, I just have to do one thing, really quickly, it's not a big deal. (yells at Joey) GET UP!! Chandler: Well, Joey, I wrote a little song today. It's called: Get Up. Joey: All right! You can have the chair. Chandler: Really! Joey: Oh my, would you look at that! (holds up crossed fingers) Chandler: You know what, okay, fine. Don't get up, you just sit right there. I just hope, you don't mind, you know, my hand right here. (holds his hand a couple of inches in front of Joey's face) Op, not touching, can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Not touching can't get mad! Chandler: All right, fine, you know what, we'll both sit in the chair. (sits on Joey's lap) I'm soooo, comfortable. Joey: Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable. Chandler: All right! (jumps up) Ross: Okay, look, we have nineteen minutes. Okay, Chandler, I want you to go and change! Okay. And then, when you come back, Joey will go change, and he'll have vacated the chair. Okay. Okay. Chandler: All right! Fine! I'm going. But when I get back it's chair sitting, and I'm the guy who's....sitting in a chair! (leaves) (Chandler enters, and Joey is standing near the chair, they have a show down to see who gets the chair and Joey wins) Chandler: All right, you will notice that I am fully dressed. I, in turn, have noticed that you are not. So in the words of A. A. Milne, "Get out of my chair, dillhole!" Joey: Okay. (he gets up and takes the cushions with him, as he starts to leave) Chandler: What are you doing? Joey: You said I had to give you the chair, you didn't say anything about the cushions. Chandler: The cushions are the essence of the chair! Joey: That's right! I'm taking the essence. Chandler: Oh-ho, it'll be back. Oh-ho, there's nobody in the room. Joey: (entering) Where's my underwear?! Ross: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on, come on, what. You took his underwear? Chandler: He took my essence! Ross: Okay, now hold on. Joey, why, why can't you just wear the underwear you're wearing now? Joey: Because, I'm not wearing any underwear now. Ross: Okay, then why do you have to wear underwear tonight? Joey: It's a rented tux. Okay. I'm not gonna go commando in another man's fatigues. Chandler: Well, then it looks like somebody is gonna have to give back somebody his cushions. Joey: Okay, you hide my clothes. I'm gonna do the exact opposite to you. Chandler: What are you, what are you gonna show me my clothes? Joey: Hey, opposite, is opposite! (leaves) Chandler: He's got nothing! (Joey enters wearing a lot of clothes) Joey: Okay, buddy-boy. Here it is. You hide my clothes, I'm wearing everything you own. Chandler: Oh my God! That is so not the opposite of taking somebody's underwear!! Joey: Look at me! I'm Chandler! Could I be wearing any more clothes? Maybe if I wasn't going commando... Chandler: Oooo-ooh! Joey: Yeah. Whew, it's hot with all of this stuff on. I ah, I better not do any, I don't know, lunges. (starts doing lunges)

Friday, April 28th
A man who smelled like a distillery, flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick,and a half bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say,Father, what causes arthritis?" "It's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man!" "Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?" "I don't have it, Father, I was just reading here that the Pope does."