8:15 PM 7-30-04
I know I haven't posted in my journal. I have been writing a lot of poems lately. I am still in a kind of depressed mood. I miss Amanda, and the more I try to do other things, the more I realize she's the only one who can make me happy. I was going to go to a "Rainbow Youth" thing at this place on Garden Grove Blvd. on Wedensday but Beth was here so we went shopping instead. It was pretty fun cause we had to drive really far (we went all the way to Brea Mall) and I got a skirt that I had been wanting for a long time. It made me happy to get it, but I'm still kind of sad that I will have to wait another week to check out the group. I hope it doesnt suck, and i can actually make some friends there cause I have no one to talk to except my family and the people at work.
It's kind of funny that now that Amanda isnt around I have resumed my interest in transgender issues and stuff. I wonder if I am using it to distract me from missing her, or if being with her was distracting me from my interest in it. Probably it's both.
I hope Des gets finished moving soon and gets her internet working cause I would love to hear from her. I would love to hear from Dara too but I doubt that will happen. I would love to hear from Amanda....but i should stop. I am just going to get more depressed. Who knows, maybe I'll make a new friend or two on Wednesday. Here's hoping.
I love you Amanda, always. You know I do. And i know you love me. Kisses from your husband :-* I am yours forever.
3:16 AM 7-16-04
DaidoujiSakura: hey i know you are asleep right now
Auto response from DesireeJrdn: laying down trying for blissful sleep, if you NEED or seriously WANT me, call....if you just have something you'd like to tell me, leave a message....I love you (the "love" doesn't apply to everybody)
DaidoujiSakura: i just need to type this so i can get my thoughts out
DaidoujiSakura: cause ijust had a dream that Amanda was kissing another guy
DaidoujiSakura: while she was talking to me online
DaidoujiSakura: and then she stopped responding
DaidoujiSakura: it was very disturbing
DaidoujiSakura: and i was chatting to another girl (Lexie) who i used to like befoer i knew Amanda (who i also showed off on cam once and regretted forever), but all i was saying to her in the dream is "Wheres Amanda, where is she"
DaidoujiSakura: i hope shes ok
DaidoujiSakura: i just hurt so bad
DaidoujiSakura: i need to talk to her
DaidoujiSakura: i know she wouldnt really kiss another guy
DaidoujiSakura: i just want to hear her tell me she loves me once more
DaidoujiSakura: my heart and my happiness are intertwined with this girl
DaidoujiSakura: thanks for letting me send theses messages to u Des
DaidoujiSakura: i hope someday we will all have the love that we desire
DaidoujiSakura: its all i ever cared about
I love you so much Amanda, forever and ever with all my heart. Even though we are far apart, and can't even talk to eachother I still love you. I will wait for you, I promise. Please keep praying for us. I know we can do this with God's help. I love you with all my heart and I am yours forever.
Your lover,
Levi
2:59 PM 7-10-04
Today is my dad's birthday. I got him stamps for his birthday since he likes to write to his mom so much. I also just bought a new drum set off samash.com. It's better than the old set we bought before, so hopefully it will last longer. I hope that Amanda will be able to play the new set when she gets back, however long that is. If you want to see the new drum set, there is a picture of it here. Hopefully this will be the beginning of something good. This is not just for me. It is for my love Amanda, and for World of Reality.
11:26 PM 7-06-04
Talking to Amanda is like coming out from under water. My heart can breathe again. I love you so much Amanda. I am not giving up. No matter what happens we will be together. We will be married and I will show you all my love. I believe in us Amanda. We'll show the world. You are meant for me, and I am meant for you. "wait, they don't love you like i love you..."
Yours always,
Levi Roberts
5:44 AM 7-03-04
I had a dream that I was with Amanda at my school. I was so happy to be with her once again. And I know I will be someday when we see eachother again. I miss her so much. I hope she is doing ok.
All my love for you, Amanda
9:25 PM 7-02-04
I am listening to Nirvana right now. I bought some drum sticks yesterday and I found a drum set that I probably want to buy. It's expensive but I dont care. I am depressed all the time because I miss Amanda so much. I bought the same kind of drum sticks that she has from Pete's Music. Vic Firth. I miss you so much Amanda. Every moment of every day you are the center of my thoughts. I love you with all my heart and I hope you are having an ok time. I know the days are probably going as slowly for you as they are for me. I guess we both have to just find things to pass the time until we are together again. It's so hard. All I can do is keep loving you and trying to go on with each day. I am going to buy a new drum set for us and I'm going to keep it at my house so no one can claim it from us. My heart is always yours.
Your husband always,
Levi
1:48 PM 7-01-04
Well I went to the doctor today. I called them to see why they havent sent me the check for being in the study and they said I had to have one more blood test so I went back there and they sucked some more of my blood so hopefully I'll be getting my check soon. I sure could use it. I'm going to be going with Dee to Sam Ash in a bit so we can look at drums and so she can get some picks. Byron wants me to go with him and James to Disneyland in a few days but I dont know if I should. I have been spending so much money lately. And if I am going to be buying a new drum set thats going to be even more. Money is such a pain. Sometimes I just want to run away and live in the wilderness but I know its not possible. At least not yet. Maybe when my dear angel Amanda and I get married we can escape this lifestyle and start a farm or something. Anything is possible with the Lord. For now I'll just keep praying to Him that Amanda will be alright and that each of us can continue through the day to day struggles we have until we reach our destiny. Like the Supertones' song, "I need the faith of a child". I dont know if I am making the right decisions so all I can do is trust in the Lord that he will take care of me.
I love you Amanda. Always. I pray for you constantly. I hope your family has calmed down and isnt fighting with you as much now. I love you with all my heart.
Your lover,
Levi
12:15 PM 6-30-04
Hey its Levi again. I am probably going to be going with Dinah tomorrow to Sam Ash. She's going to get some new guitar picks, and I am going to be looking for a drum set. Since we are going to be taking the bus probably, I probably wont be able to buy the drum set then, but maybe sometime soon if I find a good one that I can afford. One thing is sure though, no more Groove Percussions. I am going to try to post on here as often as I can. I am finding that I am getting a lot of support by reading Amanda's journal. Knowing her thoughts, and knowing about her love and concerns is a help to me, and I thought I should do the same for her. I know she won't be getting online very often to read this since her parents are cutting off all her access to the outside world. But even if she cant read it for a long time I'll still do this.
I love you Amanda. You are mine and I am yours.
5:56 PM 6-29-04
Hey this is Levi. I just wanted to say that I love you very much Amanda. I am so glad that you were able to send me those offline messages. Just to know that you are still ok is such a big help to me. I have been reading your journal yesterday and today. It is so sweet and I am just humbled that you love me so much. I am always greatful for your love. And I was thinking of something. No matter what your family does, there is one thing they cant take. They cant take the past year. All our moments together. All our memories will last for the rest of our lives. I will love you for all eternity.
Your lover,
Levi
World of Reality
"The Greatest of These"
--
for Amanda
thinking of you again
but this time its different
cause im not giving up
im not out of the fight before i begin
im afraid
but i wont back down
and im determined
not to let this end
and i stil believe that love can overcome all obstacles
(4x)
crying for you again
i know its bound to happen several times
they'll hurt you they'll hurt me
but i wont let it make me bitter
and so lets pray
to the only God in heaven
to share his grace
right now we really need it
and these three remain: faith, hope, and love
but the greatest of these is love
